All language subtitles for Adam Ruins Everything s01e14 Football.eng

(dog barking) (Man)
Yes!

Ha, ha!
I swear to Bon Jovi,

if these sad sacks
end up winning,

I'm gonna
divorce you, Ray.

We'll call Lev and have him
draw up the paperwork,

'cause the Giants are 20 yards
away from the Super Bowl, baby!

They ain't
gonna make it.

Just like you wouldn't make it
one day without me.

Yeah, you got me there.

(TV announcer)
Giants are set up on the...

Ahh, come on, guys.
This game better hurry up.

We're gonna be late
to coach Tiny Tots.

Yeah, well,
don't worry,

my boys'll make
quick work of you.

Huh, that's funny.
(gasping)

Why are they your boys?

Dude, please don't do
your show right now.

So, you know this hairdo?

Well, please inform him
that the Rams are my boys

because they're
from my hometown.

But none of the players
are from there.

They change every year,

and your team
just switched cities.

(chuckling)
You know, this reminds me

of a famous
thought experiment.

Shut up!
The game is on.

I'll pause it.

Say this sandwich
is your team.

(small gasp)
Over time,

every part of it changes.

The turkey gets
traded to Denver,

the tomato gets suspended
for dog fighting,

and the bread can't
close a stadium deal.

So, a philosopher would ask,
"Is it even the same sandwich?"

Hah.
(coughs)

(TV announcer)
...On the L.A. 23 yard line...

Tastes the same to me,
Plato.

My heart stopped.

That's what's so weird
about being a sports fan.

Everything but the name
changes year to year,

but we still love
our team just as much.

It's like we're really just
a fan of the logo.

Great, 'cause my logo is
about to win the playoffs.

'Cause they're the best!

Oh, the playoffs don't
pick which team is best.

In fact, the playoffs are
a random and chaotic system

that's little better
than a coin flip.

Buckle in, here we go.

Hi, I'm Adam Conover,

and this is
"Adam Ruins Everything."

¶
(whistling)

Adam, please don't
ruin football.

My folks take it
really seriously.

This human Prius?
Ruin football?

Yeah, right.

Football is the bond that
holds this family together.

My family's
the exact same way.

Except about books
and with zero affection.

But look, I'm a huge
football fan, too.

I mean, I'm wearing
my favorite team's colors:

The New York Yankees.

That's a baseball team.

Yes, but there was
also a football team called

the New York Yankees that
played from 1926 through 1929.

Why do you have
to be so specific?

Great, now get
your amber waves of grain

out of the way because
we're about to find out

which of these teams
is better at football.

Gladly.
Ahh!

But as I was saying,

the playoffs don't do
any such thing.

In fact, they more or less
pick the winner at random.

Okay, he's teleporting,

I'm gonna go make
a sandwich for half an hour,

Godspeed, family!

Historically, the team
with the best record

wins the Super Bowl
less than half the time.

It's actually more common
for a worse team to win.

(chuckles)
Shut your mouth!

My Giants were
the champs in 2011,

they were number one!

Uh, no,
they were number ten.

The Giants regular season record
that year was nine and seven,

the worst record of any team
to ever win a Super Bowl.

But in the playoffs,
they beat the Packers,

who only lost
a single game all year.

I hate to tell you this,

but the Giants
weren't the better team.

They were definitely
the worst team,

and they just got lucky.
Luck you!

Aah!

(Adam)
Any team can win one game.

The problem
with the playoffs

is they have way too small
of a sample size.

Sample size?
What, like Halloween candy?

No. Look, you're
from Jersey, right?

Let me put it
in Jersey terms.

Let's compare
Bruce Springsteen...

¶ Baby we were born to run

...the statistical
analysis of the playoffs.

Oh, my God,
Bruce Springsteen!

(chuckling)
And Billy Joel.

I've been waiting in here
for the longest time.

Oh, my God,
Bruce Springsteen!

Over his career,
Billy Joel has won six Grammys.

Bruce here has won 20.

Yeah!

But on February 25, 1981,

Billy beat Bruce for
Best Rock Vocal Performance.

If you decide
the whole contest

based on one day
in February,

Billy wins.

Bruce was robbed.

His heart was
hungrier than mine.

It's exactly the same
with the playoffs.

Just 'cause
you win on one day,

it doesn't make you
the better team.

It's luck.

Okay, Mr. Spreadsheet, fine.

Maybe football does have
a small sample size.

But what about
the World Series?

Best of seven.

Oh, baseball's
even worse.

It's actually
the most random major sport.

(crack of bat)
Since 1995,

the team with
the best regular season record

has won the World Series

just 16% of the time.

Ugh.

I don't believe you.

You're not a sports nerd,
you're just a regular nerd.

Well, maybe you'll believe
the ultimate sports nerd,

legendary Oakland A's
General Manager Billy Beane,

who once said, quote...

Long story short, you might
as well skip the Super Bowl

and award the championship
to whoever wins the coin flip.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the NFL champion is: Heads!

(both loud grunting)

But I love the playoffs.

I get to yell at Joe Buck.

You'd be surprised at
what his name rhymes with.

And I like a little
randomness in my sports.

The playoffs give Patty's crappy
underdog team a chance to win.

Exactly, that's why
the playoffs are fun.

Because that's when
the objectively worse underdogs

can beat their
athletic superiors.

Face it, we don't like sports
because they're rational.

We like them
because they're random

and make no sense--
let's watch.

Ahh.

No! Dad-gummit.

This Twitter egg's
been yapping so much,

we're gonna be late
for Tiny Tots practice.

Last time we were late,

the kids started
playing Minecraft.

We'll DVR it
and watch it later.

Nobody say what happens.

Ray, get the sports drinks,
the kids gotta stay hydrated.

Oh, no, they don't, heh.

Dehydration is largely
an overblown marketing myth.

(announcer)
"Adam Ruins Everything" is sponsored by

Hulko Sports Drink!

Stick around and find out
why everything you know

about hydration is wrong.

¶

(whistle blows)

All right, kiddos,
let's run some drills.

Ah, football practice,

it's my favorite part
of the week.

Most of the time.

Whoo! All right!

Go... uh, Blue Skins?

The league made us
change the name.

Used to be super racist.

Not the color
you're thinking of. (whistle blows)

Oh, my God, we've been
out here for 15 minutes!

We need to be hydrating!
Everybody drink up.

Actually, the risk of
dehydration is way overblown.

(chuckling)
Buh-buh-buh!

You're gonna tell me
hydrating is bad?

Yeah, right, take a lap.

Oh, I'd never make it
all the way around.

In America,
we've become obsessed

with the dangers
of dehydration.

People think that if they're
not constantly drinking water,

they risk death.

You're dehydrated.

And you're dehydrated.

And, oh, my God,
you're practically a mummy.

But that fear
is totally baseless.

Yeah, right, bub.

Everyone knows you have to drink
eight glasses of water a day.

Yeah, everybody knows that,
but it's not true.

No study has ever shown
or even claimed that.

It's just
something people say.

Really?

Now you tell me.

(sarcastic chuckle)
Water prevents cramps.

Oh, where'd
you hear that?

From my coach.

And I heard it
from my coach,

and he heard it from
his coach, and so on.

Well, you didn't
hear it from science,

'cause science says
that ain't true.

Well, how much water
am I supposed to drink?

Well, you can just drink
when you're thirsty.

That's crazy,
you're a crazy person.

Who are you?

Oh, Patty, this is
Tamara Hew-Butler.

She's a professor of exercise
science at Oakland University.

Our bodies already possess

an extremely sensitive
measure of dehydration.

It's called thirst.

As long as we drink
when we feel thirsty,

we really
won't dehydrate.

That's how humans have done it
for millions of years,

and it's worked out fine.

The fact is, truly dangerous
levels of dehydration

are incredibly rare
and only occur in cases

of extreme sickness
or isolation.

As long as you have
free access to water

and you drink
when you're thirsty,

you'll be fine.

Then why do I do this
to myself?

Hmm, maybe because beverage
companies have spend decades

drowning us
in ads like these.

(announcer)
Hardworking hydration, keep at it.

Hydrate the hustle.

G2 from Gatorade,

the low-calorie,
off-field hydrator.

Lucozade Sport hydrates
and fuels you better than water.

'Cause the more water you drink,
the better you feel.

Drink more water!

These companies have
consistently portrayed

dehydration
as a serious threat

for one, simple reason--
it gets us to drink more.

The International
Bottled Water Association

publishes
a hydration calculator

that can recommend you drink
two liters of water a day.

Dasani tells you
that hydration is healthy,

so drink up,
preferably Dasani.

Paid spokesman
Dustin Pedroia

says he always hydrates
with Vita Coco

because it prevents cramps,
even though it doesn't.

And in "Runner's World"
magazine,

Gatorade ran an ad
masquerading as an article

titled "Hydration 101."

It included tips like
"drink early and often,"

"don't wait
until you feel thirsty"

and "always drinks
sports drinks."

But that's all
real science, right?

Ah, here's where
it gets sticky.

That ad was
sponsored by

the Gatorade Sports
Science Institute,

which was founded
by Gatorade in 1985.

Its scientific mission?

To discover
exciting new reasons

people should drink
their product.

Our unbiased study found

that people should
drink a lot of Gatorade.

Terrific work,
alert the media!

We also may have found
a cure for cancer.

Was it Gatorade?

Damn it!

Get back to me
when it's Gatorade!

Gatorade also sponsors
sports science research

at universities
across America,

and this can influence
their findings.

¶ Money, money...

The American College of Sports
Medicine once recommended...

When exercising, you should
drink as much as tolerable.

¶ Money, money...

¶ It's all about the money

Other companies
soon followed suit.

Evian's parent company
founded Hydration for Health,

a group that...

Important research,
everybody!

Drink Evian!

Science says so.

Oh, I gotta tell
the Tots about this.

(Adam)
And, after decades of bad science and marketing,

we now believe dehydration
is a dire threat.

Gotta drink,
drink or I'll die!

Well, it's not
like drinking

too much liquid's
gonna kill anybody.

Actually, that's
exactly what it can do.

All of this scare mongering
over dehydration has created

an entirely different problem:
overhydration.

Phooey, you drink hard,
you pee hard.

Not if you're exercising.

Exercise stops you
from peeing

by putting your body
in water conservation mode.

And if you overhydrate then,

all that extra fluid
has nowhere to go.

Holy crow!

It's called exercise
associated hyponatremia,

and it can be deadly.

In a study of
the 2002 Boston Marathon,

nearly one-sixth
of the runners studied

were found to have
hyponatremia.

These runners drank so much
liquid during the race,

that by the finish line,
they had actually gained weight.

And she wins
by a belly!

Okay, now, that's a joke,

but this is a serious
problem in sports.

At least 12 athletes have
died from overhydration.

No, that's terrible.

It's true.
Overhydration is dangerous.

Most researchers,
including myself,

think that it's the marketing
of the beverage industry

that's responsibility
for this surge

in fluid overload
hyponatremia.

So, I've been putting
the kids in danger?

No, Patty,

death by hyponatremia
is extremely rare.

Just give the kids
free access to water.

Let 'em drink
when they're thirsty,

and don't treat
these ads as science.

I don't deserve
to wear this uniform. (sobbing)

Hey!
You made my Patty cry.

Kids, let's practice
some tackling drills.

I've got just the dummy.

See ya, Adam.

Maybe now's a good time
to talk about the whole

concussion issue.

I knew he was gonna
talk about concussions.

Go, Blue Skins,
murderize that human tofu ball!

(Adam)
Ah! No, wait!

The truth about concussions
is really interesting!

(birds chirping)
(Adam) Aah!

(kids screaming)

Aah! No, no, no!

No, kids, no, my skull hasn't
completely fused yet!

Aah! Uhh!

Oh, oh...

I forgot,
kids can't hurt me.

I always forget
I'm an adult.

But not everyone
is so lucky.

Because the truth is,
brain injuries in the NFL--

Hey, before you
get started, okay,

we know plenty
about concussions.

They talk about it
on "Sports Center."

They made that Will Smith movie
I slept through,

and they've instituted
all these new rules.

The NFL is on it,
problem solved!

Problem not solved,
because the truth is

everything you know
about football

and brain injuries
is wrong-- ugh!

(sports commentator)
Ooh, that's gotta hurt! That could be a concussion.

(commentator two)
Let's watch it again from Sky Cam.

(Adam)
Ahh!

(commentator two)
And he's being taken out of the game

thanks to that
new rule.

Good job, NFL,
you solved the problem,

nothin' more
to see here.

And no more fussin'
'bout concussin'.

Actually,
let's keep fussin'.

'Cause there's still
a ton of concussin'.

¶

Hey, see, Pats,
look, we're on TV.

Hey, Murph!

Oh, where is that
Stephen A. Smith?

I've always wanted
to kick his ass.

The NFL claims to take
concussions seriously.

But the rate of diagnosed
concussions keeps rising,

and those are just
the ones we know about.

The truth is,
our national conversation

about brain injuries
in football

misses the point entirely,

because concussions are
just the tip of the iceberg.

Huh, what's happening?

Oh, I changed the prompter,
just go with it.

The brain disorder found
in football players is called

Chronic Traumatic
Encephalopathy or CTE,

and here's the hard truth.

It's not just caused
by concussion-- wait, really?

Yes, really.

It's also caused
by the tiny run-of-the-mill hits

that happen dozens
of times a game.

Plays like this one.

Ooh, that was unremarkable.

This one...

Booyah!
Those are common.

Or even this one...

Howzah! I'm snorin'
because that was boring.

Exactly, these are totally
routine tackles and plays

that happen
over and over again

in every game,
especially to linemen.

But research now shows that
even little hits like these

cause CTE, which can lead
to lifelong memory loss,

depression, aggression,

dementia, anxiety,
and even suicide.

Hold up, hot shot.

How do tiny little baby hits
like that cause dementia?

Good question-- let's go
to the premier expert

in this field,
Dr. Ann McKee,

Professor of Neurology
at Boston University

and Director
of the CTE Center.

Thanks for
joining us, Ann.

Thanks, Adam.

Unfortunately, it's true.

CTE isn't just caused
by concussions.

It's also caused by the small
sub-concussive hits

that build up over time.

If you play football
at any level,

the chronic hits to the head
will cause brain damage.

Well, that's easy,
why don't they just build better helmets?

That will never work.

When the body
and head suddenly stop,

the brain stretches, breaking
its internal structures.

Unless you can fit
a helmet inside your skull,

there is no way to stop it.

Yeah, but that can't happen
to, like, everyone, right?

(Ann)
Unfortunately, it does, Ray.

We found CTE in over 96%

of former professional players'
brains that we've studied.

96%?
Oh, no.

Ooh, that is
regretful and upsetful.

The fact is,
our research shows

that it's practically
impossible to play football

without suffering
irreversible brain damage.

And the NFL
knows about this?

They do, in fact
the NFL has admitted

that playing football
is linked to CTE.

They just don't
take it seriously.

When asked whether
football was dangerous,

NFL Commissioner
Roger Goodell said...

There's risk in life.

There's risk to sitting
on the couch.

I don't know about you,
but if my couch was

giving brain damage to 96%
of the people that sat on it,

I would throw out
that couch.

But, hey,
I guess it's easy

to ignore the truth
when you're getting paid

34 million bucks a year
to protect the status quo.

Well, the players
are millionaires, too.

I'd take that risk
for that kind of cash.

Oh, yeah, NFL players can
make their own decisions.

They're adults.

But you know who can't?
Kids.

Oh, crap, children.

I forgot about
the children.

There are less than
2,000 current NFL players,

but more than 1 million high
school students play the game,

as well as hundreds of thousands
of straight-up kids.

And, well, I'll let
Dr. McKee tell you the rest.

Children's brains are especially
susceptible to brain damage.

The truth is the brain
isn't even finished developing

until age 25.

It's difficult
to say this,

but children simply should not
be allowed to play football.

Isn't that
a little overboard?

Well, why don't you
ask the players?

If I had a ten-year-old boy,
I don't know that I'd be

real inclined to encourage him
to go play football.

If you had
an eight-year-old kid now...

would you tell him you'd
want him to play football?

I wouldn't.

And my whole life was football.

Especially me, knowing
what I know now, there--

there's absolutely no way,

no way in hell that I would
do it all over again.

Harry Carson?

But he won the Super Bowl
with the Giants in '86.

He would
take that all back?

Look, it's hard to hear
that the game we love

is killing people
and hurting kids.

But it's true.

Oh, my God, the kids,
the Blue Skins.

I had them run
tackling drills.

Adam, get us out of here!
We gotta stop them!

Right.

No, no, no!

(sound slowed)
Noooo!

We'll be
right baaaack!

No! No, no, no.
No, no, no!

Ah, whoof.

Thank God
they're so bad at football.

All right, everybody stop.
Take a knee, Blue Skins.

(Patty)
Come on.

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but we all gotta stop
playing football.

It's dangerous,
and there's no way to stop it.

Ray,
there's another way.

It's true, if we keep playing
football the same old way,

players will keep dying,

parents will pull
the next generation

of athletes
out of the sport,

and the game we love will
slowly fade from prominence

just like boxing
and horse racing did.

We used to feel
five feet tall.

But now
we're minced meat. (bell dings)

Tastes do change.

But they don't have to.

We can save football
by changing it.

Like how? You just said almost
all hits cause brain damage.

So, what, we ban tackling
and get rid of linemen?

I mean, yes,
that would work.

But that wouldn't
be football.

Yeah, that's exactly what
they said back in 1905.

(Adam)
Back then, the sport was so violent

that college players were
getting trampled to death.

There were 18 deaths
nationwide that year alone.

Yes, the sports
was far too brutal

even for me,
Teddy Roosevelt!

(birds screeches)
Ooh!

That's why I insisted
football legalize

a forward pass.

It made the game safer
by opening up the field.

Yes, that made the game
fundamentally different forever,

but it was still football.

(bird squawks, thud)
Ooh!

Ha ha!

I don't know,
that seems hard.

Well, we have a choice.

We could either
do the hard thing

and make real changes
to the game,

or we can keep
ignoring the problem,

and 50 years from now
football will be dead.

And that would be a shame
because football is awesome.

(all)
Yeah!

Ah, here you guys are.
Oh...

Remember when
you said that everything

about this sandwich could change
and you would still love it?

Well, then why is the one part
that's killing people

the part that we decided
we have no power over?

Let's save the sport we love
by changing it for the better.

Are you with me?

(all)
Yeah!

I said,
are you with me?!

(all)
Yeah!

Well, then let's
get out there

and never play
tackle football ever again!

(all cheering)

Let's go,
let's play touch.

¶

(engine revving)

Hey, is Adam here?

Yeah, and you are?

I'm his sister.

His sister?

Oh. Rhea, hi!

Hey, slugger,
how was your show thing?

Oh, it was great,
I taught Murph's parents

all about
playoff statistics

and hydration
and how playing football

injures the brains
of millions

of high school students
every year.

Well, I'm glad
you had fun.

Hey, I hope he didn't
bug you too much.

Did you, uh...

did you restore
this car yourself?

Oh, yeah, 500 bucks and
five years of elbow grease.

She's a beauty, huh?
Yeah.

Well, aesthetics aside,
public transportation

would be far more efficient...
(engine revving)

What? What's that?

I can't hear you
over this horsepower!

Say goodbye, Adam.

Bye, Murph, see you
on Crossword Puzzle Friday!

(tires screeching,
engine revving)

Maybe he's adopted?

¶ (theme song whistling)

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