All language subtitles for Adam Ruins Everything s01e13 Hollywood.eng

here live at the Awardie Awards!

This red carpet has fierce
trendsetters and fashion victims

and yours truly is rendering
divine judgment

on every last one of them.
(girls screaming)

Oh, my Gomez!
That's Selena Gomez!

Hi, there.

(Mark)
Excuse you, Alton Brown.

Oh, I'm not Alton Brown.

Yeah, you're way too old.
Move! Ugh!

I missed her.
Now I'll never know

if her choice of dress
was icy or dicey.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me make it up to you.

You wanna
be my plus-one?

Ahh!
(laughing)

Of course, Selena probably
didn't choose her dress.

She's just
a walking billboard,

like all these people.

You can't just criticize
the Hollywood elite.

Who do you think you are,
Joan Rivers?

Rest in peace.

No, I'm Adam Conover,

and this is
"Adam Ruins Everything."

♪
(whistling)

I can't believe
I'm here.

The epicenter of culture
and high fashion.

The red carpet is--

Basically one big ad.

We idolize celebrities
for their style and fashion,

but the truth is,
everything from their jewelry

to their shoes
is marketing,

picked out by brands
looking to make a buck.

And what brand are you wearing?
Ann Taylor?

Yes, is that bad?

(sighing)
Not everyone is a shill.

Shailene Woodley
would never sell out.

She's a free spirit.
She eats clay.

I don't believe you.

Well, let's ask
someone who knows.

Oh, hi, Rachel.

♪

Oh, hey, Adam.

I was just showing my elbows
to America.

Golden Globe winner slash
goddess Rachel Bloom?

This is the coolest moment
of my life.

You look stunning.

I bet you woke up
like this.

Um, no,
I woke up like dis.

And so did everybody
else here, yeah.

Most of the time, we look
shlubbier than the crowd

at a Dave Matthews
concert,

but anybody
would look fantastic

if they had a pit crew
of hair and make-up experts

Frankensteining them
for six hours.

Anyway...
Hey!

Your frock looks fab.
Why did you choose it?

Oh, I didn't choose it.
Those people did.

♪

So, that's my stylist

and the designer's
marketing team.

My stylist tells me
what to wear

and then the designer's
marketing team

says yes or no depending
on whether or not

they think
I'll sell the product.

Sometimes, the designer
can refuse

to loan somebody
a dress if that person

doesn't fit their brand
or has the wrong body type.

That's not style.

That's not fashion!
No, it's advertising,

'cause when
Mark McGrath asks,

"Who are you wearing?"

all of America will hear
that brand's name.

Exactly. I'm basically
a human NASCAR.

Who are you wearing?

Oh, thank you
for asking.

My dress
is by Valvoline.

(engine revving)

And my shoes
are by Kraft.

Kraft cheese.

Oh, they're melting again.

Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go over

to the, uh, the pedi-cam.
Okay, bye!

Have a good web series!

Bye, Rachel!

(crowd cheering,
camera shutters clicking)

(announcer)
Please, everyone take your seats.

I forgot about the awards.
This is amazing.

We get to watch live

as Hollywood decides
who is the most talented.

More like, who had
the best ad campaign.

Come on, I'll show you.
(grunting)

(announcer)
Live from the most cost-effective theater

in North Hollywood,
the Awardie Awards.

Please welcome minor
TV personality Adam Conover!

(single person clapping)

And the nominees
for best picture are...

"The Sad British Man."

(applause)

"Room 2: Back in the Room."

(applause)

"That Tom Hanks Movie
Your Dad Liked."

(applause)

And
"The Rosa Parks Story."

(cheering and applause)

And the best movie of the year
is...

(drum rolling)

Not determined by this award.
Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yes, it is.

Award shoes
are how tastemakers

honor important art,

like "Crash" and...
better movies.

Yes, we'd all love
to believe

that these awards
are determined

by objective voters
weighing

the artistic merits
of each work.

But the fact is, these might
as well be the nominees.

Money can't act!

No, but it can make voters
act differently.

And to influence them,

studios and networks
throw boatloads of money

into what
the industry calls

For Your Consideration
campaigns.

Oh, I've heard of those,

and I know exactly
what they are,

so you don't
have to explain them.

But go ahead,
have your fun.

For Your Consideration
campaigns

are a very specific form
of marketing

that's aimed solely
at awards voters.

They're not quite bribery,
but they're close.

We don't have to pay
to see movies.

The studio
sent them to us for free.

Oh, this one comes
with an iPad.

Or they throw
lavish parties

for voters
to meet celebrities.

I met Shailene Woodley,

and now we eat clay
together.

Not to mentions the ads

the studios plaster
all over L.A.

♪

You know what?
I think he does.

♪ Vote for Leo! ♪

The worst offenders
are the Golden Globes.

Only the 87 members of
the Hollywood Foreign Press

get to vote, and since
everyone in Hollywood

knows who they are, they get
campaigned to personally.

One year,
Sharon Stone's people

sent us all
gold Coach watches. Wha...

So, uh, yeah,
she got the nom.

Holy crow!

This process is such
an open secret,

Denzel Washington
joked about it on-air

during an acceptance
speech.

Some of you may know
Freddy Fields.

He invited me
to the first, uh,

Hollywood Foreign Press
luncheon.

He said, they're gonna watch
the movie,

we're gonna feed 'em,
they're gonna come over,

you're gonna take pictures
with everybody,

you're gonna hold the magazines,
take the pictures,

and you're gonna win
the award.

(laughter)

I won that year.
(laughter)

And all that advertising
costs money.

To win an Oscar,

studios may have to spend
up to $10 million.

10 million--

That's Kardashian
wedding money.

I mean,
these things are nice,

but not $10 million
nice.

So, what's the point?

You gotta spend money
to make money.

Ahh!
Oh, Mark, this is Pete Hammond,

awards columnist
at Deadline Hollywood.

Hi, Pete.

Hey, be careful, Adam,
I'm in deep cover.

Oh, shh.
Sorry.

Look, it's all about
the bottom line.

There are studies
that show a nomination itself

can mean $20 million more
at the box office,

and with a win,
it can be 35 million and up.

Actually,
even a flop movie

can make money with
a nomination.

Getting nominated
is just good for business.

And winning
a major award

conveys something
even more important--

prestige and power.

No one was taking Netflix
seriously as a TV network.

So we resolved...
to win us an Emmy.

We went to the neighborhoods
of Emmy voters

and we gave
their neighbors $50 each

to put up Netflix
lawn signs.

We sent out food trucks

will free lunch
all around Los Angeles.

We painted the town
with money.

And that year,

we won not only one Emmy,
we won three.

So, I took the other two
and I melted them down

and made them
into rings.

Now, Netflix...
(knocking on counter)

is a TV network.
(Mark) No!

Awards matter.
Leo ate raw meat.

He deserves to win!

Well, quality can matter,
but really,

you've got to campaign.

Studios do all sorts
of things now

to get attention from voters.

They have concerts,
trips to Vegas.

Nominees will even
come to your house now.

Look, spending money doesn't
guarantee you're gonna win,

but if you want to have
a chance, you'd better campaign.

That's so disappointing.

Sorry.
It's true.

Oh, my gosh.

Adam, please hide me.

Here comes Anne Hathaway.
She's relentless.

Sure.
Sorry.

Come on, let's go,
let's go!

Look, I want my show
to win an award, too,

so I gotta play the game
like everybody else.

That's why this year,
I'm giving every voter

a tub of my custom hair gel
and a book

of my favorite graphs,
called "Graphs"!

You'll have fun with that.

So what's the point?

All the movies and TV shows that
I love are secretly horrible?

Oh, no, the ones
that get nominated

are still pretty good,
but when it comes

to who wins,
money talks.

I'd like to thank the Academy
for accepting me

and the studio for always
putting my needs first.

(announcer)
Coming up next, Adam ruins everything you know

about movie ratings
and we drench you

in PG-13 violence,
right after this.

(money)
Thank you, everyone!

(applause)

I haven't had that much fun
since the last NPR pledge drive.

I love interruptions.

Your version of "adulting"
is weird.

(phone vibrating)

Hold up!
Text alert.

Of course movie ratings
matter, Adam.

Before last week, my sweet
little 16-year-old brain

couldn't handle
such filth,

but now that I'm a jaded
and mature 17,

I'm ready to see
that corpse get blended.

Sorry, Mark, but movie ratings
are an outdated

and unnecessary
form of censorship

that makes no sense.

It all goes back
to the uptight

and Prohibition-y
1920s.

♪

Movies back then were starting
to get a little racy.

(wolf whistle)

So the government threatened
to censor the movie industry

until a man named
William Hays

stepped in and created
the Hays Code.

No need to censor us.

The movie industry
shall censor ourselves.

The following perversions are
hereby banned in Hollywood.

Interracial dating.
Banned!

Making fun of clergy.
Banned!

White slavery, banned!

Black slavery
is A-okay, though.

Switch 'em out,
boys!

That's crazy.

Where am I?

(bell ringing,
indistinct voice on PA)

The Hays Code
eventually evolved

into the ratings system
we have today.

And while today's system
is a lot less racist,

it is just as weird
and arbitrary.

No way.
I'm sure the people

who rate movies
are intelligent, objective...

Who are they,
B-T-dubs?

That's the spooky part.

No one knows.

The identities of the ratings
board members

are kept secret.
All we know is that

they're parents who live
in Los Angeles.

(woman, distorted)
I don't agree with the Smurfs' polygamous lifestyle.

PG.

(slurping)

Okay, I gotta run.

Skylar has soccer and the 101
is backed up my ass today.

What we do know is,

the ratings they give
are totally irrational.

Nah, boo, movie ratings
must mean something.

Okay, what are you excited
to see

in your first R-rated movie
that you can't in PG-13?

(Mark)
Sweet, sweet violence, and a lot of it.

Wrong. PG-13 movies
have been found

to contain more gun violence
than R-rated movies.

(stabbing)
Oh!

In fact, gun violence
in PG-13 movies has doubled--

(gunshot)
Unh!

No.

Tripled, since 1985.

Thanks, MPAA,
you filthy animals.

(man)
And, cut! (yawning)

Tripled?
That's sick!

Well, then PG-13 movies
must also have tons of...

(whispering)
...sex.

(chuckling)
You wish.

For a group
that's totally chill

with hyper-violent
blood symphonies,

the MPAA is weirdly
prudish about sex.

They gave a PG-13 to
"The Dark Knight,"

a movie where dozens
are brutally murdered,

a hospital explodes

and a bomb is planted
in a dude's belly.

(beeping, explosion)

And an R to
"Shakespeare in Love,"

an Oscar-winning
literary dramedy

with some mild
hanky-panky.

(fabric tearing)
Oh, careful, Will!

One more button
and we'll hit NC-17.

The MPAA straight-up
loves violence

and hates sex
and no one know why.

Eh, I'm a teen.

I'll take whatever nudity
I can get.

Get out of here.
Hey, wait!

(gasping)
What about swearing?

That always
gets an R

because swearing rules.
Nope.

The MPAA often gives
different ratings

to the very same word.

So this...
(bleep) you!

...gets you a PG-13,
while this...

I'd like to (bleep) you.

...gets you an R.
And this...

I'd like to (bleep) you.

...gets you an NC-17,

because they also
routinely rate LGBT sex

as more objectionable
than straight sex.

(Mark gasping)
No!

Not in Macklemore's
America.

How do they justify this?

They don't.
Joan Graves, the chair

of the MPAA Ratings Board
has said...

Which means they can use
whatever weird logic

or prejudice they want.

It's insane that
this is the system.

Look, in principle,
it's important

to know what kids
are watching.

But the system
we currently have

is outdated,
arbitrary,

kinda homophobic,
and helps no one.

Movie ratings
are as pointless

as trying to stop
the corpse blender.

Its power
is from hell! Ugh!

Spoiler alert!
I was gonna see that!

Fine. I guess
I'll just go home

and make myself a mocktail
and do something vintage,

like watch reality shows
on cable.

Oh, I love
reality shows.

You do strike me
as a Tim Gunn fan.

Oh, no, I mean, because
everything in them is fake.

Here, I'll show you!
Ahh!

(announcer)
Next on "The Real Ruiners of L.A."

Everything in reality shows
is hella fake.

(grunting)
Oh!

Hey!
Not in my section!

(weeping)

♪

I asked Adam to brunch
so I can confront him

about ruining things
for me.

If you ain't El Niño,
don't rain on my parade.

What Mark needs
to realize is,

I didn't come here
to make friends.

I came here for brunch.

Hi, you look amazing.

Oh, my God,
that shirt is flawless.

Thank you.
I keep it 100.

(waitress)
Hi.

I'm Ariana.
I'll be your server.

All right, I can tell
you guys are drama,

so you better not
mess up my brunch hunch,

or Ariana's gonna
have to throw down.

Ugh!
Okay, whatever.

I brought you here
to let you know

when you ruin things
that I love,

you're attacking me
and that's not okay.

Okay, I hear you
so hard,

but what
you need to understand

is that everything
in reality shows is hella fake

and I'm gonna tell you about it
'cause I keep it real.

Okay, well,
how is this for real?

You're a social
parasite, Adam.

(whimpering)

Hey!
Not in my section!

(tearing)
My weave!

(man)
And, cut!

That was great,
guys.

Everybody take five.
Whew.

Wait,
what just happened?

I can't believe I said
all those things.

Oh, yeah, you know,

I go places exclusively
to make friends.

I'm not even on this show.

I'm on
"Vanderpump Rules."

Watch what happens.

What's going on?
Let me explain.

Mark,
this is Mike Kopplin,

a veteran reality show
head writer

and part of
my Hollywood entourage.

Well, technically,
it's supervising story producer,

and, uh,
you're more of a Turtle.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Mike, would you just
tell him about

what you guys
are doing here?

Well, Mark,
most people know

that reality shows bend
the truth,

but they don't understand
how staged

they really are.

These are our story producers,
also known as writers.

Okay, so for the "Vanderpump"
cross-promotion,

how about we have Adam confront
Mark about ruining things?

No, let's have Mark
confront Adam,

so we need an insult.

Let's hear
some pitches.

All right, how about,
you look like

a less hot
Rick Moranis?

You're like if "thirsty"
were a person.

You look like a Pidgeotto
who went to grad school.

You dress like
a lonely meteorologist.

(thunder rumbling)
Let's, uh...

Let's go with Rick Moranis.
It's got a nice cadence.

Cool, cool.
I'll hand out scripts.

Reality shows have scripts?

Oh, yeah.
Some reality shows

are so scripted,
they've actually been unionized

by the Writer's Guild
of America.

Now, every show
is different,

but they all start
with a basic

level of planning,
from establishing

talking points beforehand
to actually doing reshoots.

Like on "Bridezillas,"
for instance,

we would go out and reshoot
the bride if she was too nice.

We'd have her go crazy and yell
and scream and carry on.

Now, celebrity shows,
they can be very scripted.

But Kim, Kendall,

and to a lesser extent,
Scott Disick,

are inviting us
into their lives.

Well, think about it
for a second.

If a celebrity's entire
livelihood is their image,

you really think they're gonna
let cameras into their home

without some kind
of a plan?

And TV shows
are very expensive

to make, so we have to
prove to the network

before the shoot day that
we're gonna get

useable footage,
because a perfect

three-act story just doesn't
fall into our laps.

That makes sense.

So we need to get back to
our insult brainstorm session.

Oh, sorry.
Thanks, Mike.

(snapping fingers)

Can I see the script?

Even if some of
the lines are written,

I know I never called you
a social parasite.

Oh, no, that was just
a Frankenbite.

Mark, this is Kent Kincannon,

an editor on our show

and part of
my Hollywood entourage.

Stop telling people
that, Adam.

Yeah, so a Frankenbite
is when editors combine

and trim sentences
to make them more concise.

When you hear somebody
say something

and it's off-screen,
it's probably a Frankenbite.

You can even
use Frankenbites

to make people say things
they didn't actually say.

Like in this case,
we can take this clip.

You're a social media app.

You're a traffic app.

You're a Japanese cat app.

And combine it
with this clip here.

(Adam)
So it's called amoebic dysentery.

I'm eating.

Please don't talk about
your food parasite, Adam.

And, if we edit
that audio together

and use different video
to hide the edit,

we'll get...
You're a social parasite, Adam.

(gasping)
I feel so lied to.

How deep
does this go?

Does this mean all my fave
reality shows are fake?

To some extent, yes.

The people on house-hunting
shows have already bought

one of the houses and just
removed all the furniture

to make it look vacant.

Food competition shows

let contestants re-cook
fresh plates of food.

The Alaskan bush people
actually live in Seattle.

And the producers
on "The Bachelor" plan

all the dates and tell
the bachelor

who to send home when.

Mark, reality shows
want you to believe

that they're real life,
but the truth is,

they're as fake
as everything else on TV.

Oh.

You are more evil than
the corpse blender.

R-rated movies are fake.

Award shows are fake.

Reality TV is fake.

Everything is fake
and the only thing

on the planet that's real
is your show.

Watch it on truTV.
All praise Adam!

Oh, no, even my show
isn't what it seems.

Let me explain.
(tearing)

How many weaves
do you have?

(whistling)

(indistinct chatter)

Nothing is real.

Everything I believed in
is a lie.

Mark, don't be so dramatic.
It's okay.

Mark is gone.
I am Cain.

Tell Mark that, yeah,
Hollywood is an illusion,

but that's all right.

Mark is too sad
to listen.

Maybe Mark would listen

to Ariana Madix from
"Vanderpump Rules"?

Hey, Mark.
Adam's right.

A lot of Hollywood
is an illusion.

But as long
as they're honest

about the extent of that
illusion, it's okay.

"Vanderpump Rules"
is actually really real.

We're all really friends,

we all get
in tons of fights,

and I actually do work
at the restaurant.

But, that tough
conversation

I have to have
with my boyfriend,

I know where it's gonna
take place, 'cause that table

is surrounded by cameras
and lights.

Much like a lot
of Hollywood,

it's real
and it's produced.

But that's okay, as long
as you know the difference.

My show is
the same way.

I mean, yeah, I'm a know-it-all
in real life, too,

but there's no way
one person could learn

all of these facts
all by themselves.

That's why I have the help
of my writers and researchers.

Heck,
half the time,

I'm just reading lines
they wrote.

"I'm dumb, Travis is great."
Come on, man.

Look, the point is,
there's nothing wrong

with a little
Hollywood magic,

as long as everyone knows
it's a magic trick.

And I hope that
by being up-front

about how we make
our show,

we've helped generate
a little bit of trust.

Wow.
That's really cool.

I always wondered how shows
like this got made.

It's actually kind of
more fun this way.

See,
that's the spirit!

Well, I gotta go tend bar
for some rich idiots.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Ariana, thanks.
Bye.

I'm gonna go home and watch
"Bachelor in Paradise"

and try to guess how
the producers

got him to say
all that dumb stuff.

There you go.
Do you want to come?

Oh, yeah, of course.

I mean, if you don't think
I'd bug you too much.

No, I learned
a lot today.

You know, I'd consider
the two of us true friends.

♪

(man)
And cut!

That was awesome.
Great job, Adam.

Thanks, Tim.
Thank you.

Oh, hey, Edwin.
Man, great work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you too, man.

Killin' it.

Yo, what time
is lunch?

(whistling)

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