Original subtitles

here live at the Awardie Awards!

This red carpet has fierce trendsetters and fashion victims

and yours truly is rendering divine judgment

on every last one of them. (girls screaming)

Oh, my Gomez! That's Selena Gomez!

Hi, there.

(Mark) Excuse you, Alton Brown.

Oh, I'm not Alton Brown.

Yeah, you're way too old. Move! Ugh!

I missed her. Now I'll never know

if her choice of dress was icy or dicey.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you.

You wanna be my plus-one?

Ahh! (laughing)

Of course, Selena probably didn't choose her dress.

She's just a walking billboard,

like all these people.

You can't just criticize the Hollywood elite.

Who do you think you are, Joan Rivers?

Rest in peace.

No, I'm Adam Conover,

and this is "Adam Ruins Everything."

♪ (whistling)

I can't believe I'm here.

The epicenter of culture and high fashion.

The red carpet is--

Basically one big ad.

We idolize celebrities for their style and fashion,

but the truth is, everything from their jewelry

to their shoes is marketing,

picked out by brands looking to make a buck.

And what brand are you wearing? Ann Taylor?

Yes, is that bad?

(sighing) Not everyone is a shill.

Shailene Woodley would never sell out.

She's a free spirit. She eats clay.

I don't believe you.

Well, let's ask someone who knows.

Oh, hi, Rachel.

♪

Oh, hey, Adam.

I was just showing my elbows to America.

Golden Globe winner slash goddess Rachel Bloom?

This is the coolest moment of my life.

You look stunning.

I bet you woke up like this.

Um, no, I woke up like dis.

And so did everybody else here, yeah.

Most of the time, we look shlubbier than the crowd

at a Dave Matthews concert,

but anybody would look fantastic

if they had a pit crew of hair and make-up experts

Frankensteining them for six hours.

Anyway... Hey!

Your frock looks fab. Why did you choose it?

Oh, I didn't choose it. Those people did.

♪

So, that's my stylist

and the designer's marketing team.

My stylist tells me what to wear

and then the designer's marketing team

says yes or no depending on whether or not

they think I'll sell the product.

Sometimes, the designer can refuse

to loan somebody a dress if that person

doesn't fit their brand or has the wrong body type.

That's not style.

That's not fashion! No, it's advertising,

'cause when Mark McGrath asks,

"Who are you wearing?"

all of America will hear that brand's name.

Exactly. I'm basically a human NASCAR.

Who are you wearing?

Oh, thank you for asking.

My dress is by Valvoline.

(engine revving)

And my shoes are by Kraft.

Kraft cheese.

Oh, they're melting again.

Okay, I gotta go. I gotta go over

to the, uh, the pedi-cam. Okay, bye!

Have a good web series!

Bye, Rachel!

(crowd cheering, camera shutters clicking)

(announcer) Please, everyone take your seats.

I forgot about the awards. This is amazing.

We get to watch live

as Hollywood decides who is the most talented.

More like, who had the best ad campaign.

Come on, I'll show you. (grunting)

(announcer) Live from the most cost-effective theater

in North Hollywood, the Awardie Awards.

Please welcome minor TV personality Adam Conover!

(single person clapping)

And the nominees for best picture are...

"The Sad British Man."

(applause)

"Room 2: Back in the Room."

(applause)

"That Tom Hanks Movie Your Dad Liked."

(applause)

And "The Rosa Parks Story."

(cheering and applause)

And the best movie of the year is...

(drum rolling)

Not determined by this award. Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, it is.

Award shoes are how tastemakers

honor important art,

like "Crash" and... better movies.

Yes, we'd all love to believe

that these awards are determined

by objective voters weighing

the artistic merits of each work.

But the fact is, these might as well be the nominees.

Money can't act!

No, but it can make voters act differently.

And to influence them,

studios and networks throw boatloads of money

into what the industry calls

For Your Consideration campaigns.

Oh, I've heard of those,

and I know exactly what they are,

so you don't have to explain them.

But go ahead, have your fun.

For Your Consideration campaigns

are a very specific form of marketing

that's aimed solely at awards voters.

They're not quite bribery, but they're close.

We don't have to pay to see movies.

The studio sent them to us for free.

Oh, this one comes with an iPad.

Or they throw lavish parties

for voters to meet celebrities.

I met Shailene Woodley,

and now we eat clay together.

Not to mentions the ads

the studios plaster all over L.A.

♪

You know what? I think he does.

♪ Vote for Leo! ♪

The worst offenders are the Golden Globes.

Only the 87 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press

get to vote, and since everyone in Hollywood

knows who they are, they get campaigned to personally.

One year, Sharon Stone's people

sent us all gold Coach watches. Wha...

So, uh, yeah, she got the nom.

Holy crow!

This process is such an open secret,

Denzel Washington joked about it on-air

during an acceptance speech.

Some of you may know Freddy Fields.

He invited me to the first, uh,

Hollywood Foreign Press luncheon.

He said, they're gonna watch the movie,

we're gonna feed 'em, they're gonna come over,

you're gonna take pictures with everybody,

you're gonna hold the magazines, take the pictures,

and you're gonna win the award.

(laughter)

I won that year. (laughter)

And all that advertising costs money.

To win an Oscar,

studios may have to spend up to $10 million.

10 million--

That's Kardashian wedding money.

I mean, these things are nice,

but not $10 million nice.

So, what's the point?

You gotta spend money to make money.

Ahh! Oh, Mark, this is Pete Hammond,

awards columnist at Deadline Hollywood.

Hi, Pete.

Hey, be careful, Adam, I'm in deep cover.

Oh, shh. Sorry.

Look, it's all about the bottom line.

There are studies that show a nomination itself

can mean $20 million more at the box office,

and with a win, it can be 35 million and up.

Actually, even a flop movie

can make money with a nomination.

Getting nominated is just good for business.

And winning a major award

conveys something even more important--

prestige and power.

No one was taking Netflix seriously as a TV network.

So we resolved... to win us an Emmy.

We went to the neighborhoods of Emmy voters

and we gave their neighbors $50 each

to put up Netflix lawn signs.

We sent out food trucks

will free lunch all around Los Angeles.

We painted the town with money.

And that year,

we won not only one Emmy, we won three.

So, I took the other two and I melted them down

and made them into rings.

Now, Netflix... (knocking on counter)

is a TV network. (Mark) No!

Awards matter. Leo ate raw meat.

He deserves to win!

Well, quality can matter, but really,

you've got to campaign.

Studios do all sorts of things now

to get attention from voters.

They have concerts, trips to Vegas.

Nominees will even come to your house now.

Look, spending money doesn't guarantee you're gonna win,

but if you want to have a chance, you'd better campaign.

That's so disappointing.

Sorry. It's true.

Oh, my gosh.

Adam, please hide me.

Here comes Anne Hathaway. She's relentless.

Sure. Sorry.

Come on, let's go, let's go!

Look, I want my show to win an award, too,

so I gotta play the game like everybody else.

That's why this year, I'm giving every voter

a tub of my custom hair gel and a book

of my favorite graphs, called "Graphs"!

You'll have fun with that.

So what's the point?

All the movies and TV shows that I love are secretly horrible?

Oh, no, the ones that get nominated

are still pretty good, but when it comes

to who wins, money talks.

I'd like to thank the Academy for accepting me

and the studio for always putting my needs first.

(announcer) Coming up next, Adam ruins everything you know

about movie ratings and we drench you

in PG-13 violence, right after this.

(money) Thank you, everyone!

(applause)

I haven't had that much fun since the last NPR pledge drive.

I love interruptions.

Your version of "adulting" is weird.

(phone vibrating)

Hold up! Text alert.

Of course movie ratings matter, Adam.

Before last week, my sweet little 16-year-old brain

couldn't handle such filth,

but now that I'm a jaded and mature 17,

I'm ready to see that corpse get blended.

Sorry, Mark, but movie ratings are an outdated

and unnecessary form of censorship

that makes no sense.

It all goes back to the uptight

and Prohibition-y 1920s.

♪

Movies back then were starting to get a little racy.

(wolf whistle)

So the government threatened to censor the movie industry

until a man named William Hays

stepped in and created the Hays Code.

No need to censor us.

The movie industry shall censor ourselves.

The following perversions are hereby banned in Hollywood.

Interracial dating. Banned!

Making fun of clergy. Banned!

White slavery, banned!

Black slavery is A-okay, though.

Switch 'em out, boys!

That's crazy.

Where am I?

(bell ringing, indistinct voice on PA)

The Hays Code eventually evolved

into the ratings system we have today.

And while today's system is a lot less racist,

it is just as weird and arbitrary.

No way. I'm sure the people

who rate movies are intelligent, objective...

Who are they, B-T-dubs?

That's the spooky part.

No one knows.

The identities of the ratings board members

are kept secret. All we know is that

they're parents who live in Los Angeles.

(woman, distorted) I don't agree with the Smurfs' polygamous lifestyle.

PG.

(slurping)

Okay, I gotta run.

Skylar has soccer and the 101 is backed up my ass today.

What we do know is,

the ratings they give are totally irrational.

Nah, boo, movie ratings must mean something.

Okay, what are you excited to see

in your first R-rated movie that you can't in PG-13?

(Mark) Sweet, sweet violence, and a lot of it.

Wrong. PG-13 movies have been found

to contain more gun violence than R-rated movies.

(stabbing) Oh!

In fact, gun violence in PG-13 movies has doubled--

(gunshot) Unh!

No.

Tripled, since 1985.

Thanks, MPAA, you filthy animals.

(man) And, cut! (yawning)

Tripled? That's sick!

Well, then PG-13 movies must also have tons of...

(whispering) ...sex.

(chuckling) You wish.

For a group that's totally chill

with hyper-violent blood symphonies,

the MPAA is weirdly prudish about sex.

They gave a PG-13 to "The Dark Knight,"

a movie where dozens are brutally murdered,

a hospital explodes

and a bomb is planted in a dude's belly.

(beeping, explosion)

And an R to "Shakespeare in Love,"

an Oscar-winning literary dramedy

with some mild hanky-panky.

(fabric tearing) Oh, careful, Will!

One more button and we'll hit NC-17.

The MPAA straight-up loves violence

and hates sex and no one know why.

Eh, I'm a teen.

I'll take whatever nudity I can get.

Get out of here. Hey, wait!

(gasping) What about swearing?

That always gets an R

because swearing rules. Nope.

The MPAA often gives different ratings

to the very same word.

So this... (bleep) you!

...gets you a PG-13, while this...

I'd like to (bleep) you.

...gets you an R. And this...

I'd like to (bleep) you.

...gets you an NC-17,

because they also routinely rate LGBT sex

as more objectionable than straight sex.

(Mark gasping) No!

Not in Macklemore's America.

How do they justify this?

They don't. Joan Graves, the chair

of the MPAA Ratings Board has said...

Which means they can use whatever weird logic

or prejudice they want.

It's insane that this is the system.

Look, in principle, it's important

to know what kids are watching.

But the system we currently have

is outdated, arbitrary,

kinda homophobic, and helps no one.

Movie ratings are as pointless

as trying to stop the corpse blender.

Its power is from hell! Ugh!

Spoiler alert! I was gonna see that!

Fine. I guess I'll just go home

and make myself a mocktail and do something vintage,

like watch reality shows on cable.

Oh, I love reality shows.

You do strike me as a Tim Gunn fan.

Oh, no, I mean, because everything in them is fake.

Here, I'll show you! Ahh!

(announcer) Next on "The Real Ruiners of L.A."

Everything in reality shows is hella fake.

(grunting) Oh!

Hey! Not in my section!

(weeping)

♪

I asked Adam to brunch so I can confront him

about ruining things for me.

If you ain't El Niño, don't rain on my parade.

What Mark needs to realize is,

I didn't come here to make friends.

I came here for brunch.

Hi, you look amazing.

Oh, my God, that shirt is flawless.

Thank you. I keep it 100.

(waitress) Hi.

I'm Ariana. I'll be your server.

All right, I can tell you guys are drama,

so you better not mess up my brunch hunch,

or Ariana's gonna have to throw down.

Ugh! Okay, whatever.

I brought you here to let you know

when you ruin things that I love,

you're attacking me and that's not okay.

Okay, I hear you so hard,

but what you need to understand

is that everything in reality shows is hella fake

and I'm gonna tell you about it 'cause I keep it real.

Okay, well, how is this for real?

You're a social parasite, Adam.

(whimpering)

Hey! Not in my section!

(tearing) My weave!

(man) And, cut!

That was great, guys.

Everybody take five. Whew.

Wait, what just happened?

I can't believe I said all those things.

Oh, yeah, you know,

I go places exclusively to make friends.

I'm not even on this show.

I'm on "Vanderpump Rules."

Watch what happens.

What's going on? Let me explain.

Mark, this is Mike Kopplin,

a veteran reality show head writer

and part of my Hollywood entourage.

Well, technically, it's supervising story producer,

and, uh, you're more of a Turtle.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Mike, would you just tell him about

what you guys are doing here?

Well, Mark, most people know

that reality shows bend the truth,

but they don't understand how staged

they really are.

These are our story producers, also known as writers.

Okay, so for the "Vanderpump" cross-promotion,

how about we have Adam confront Mark about ruining things?

No, let's have Mark confront Adam,

so we need an insult.

Let's hear some pitches.

All right, how about, you look like

a less hot Rick Moranis?

You're like if "thirsty" were a person.

You look like a Pidgeotto who went to grad school.

You dress like a lonely meteorologist.

(thunder rumbling) Let's, uh...

Let's go with Rick Moranis. It's got a nice cadence.

Cool, cool. I'll hand out scripts.

Reality shows have scripts?

Oh, yeah. Some reality shows

are so scripted, they've actually been unionized

by the Writer's Guild of America.

Now, every show is different,

but they all start with a basic

level of planning, from establishing

talking points beforehand to actually doing reshoots.

Like on "Bridezillas," for instance,

we would go out and reshoot the bride if she was too nice.

We'd have her go crazy and yell and scream and carry on.

Now, celebrity shows, they can be very scripted.

But Kim, Kendall,

and to a lesser extent, Scott Disick,

are inviting us into their lives.

Well, think about it for a second.

If a celebrity's entire livelihood is their image,

you really think they're gonna let cameras into their home

without some kind of a plan?

And TV shows are very expensive

to make, so we have to prove to the network

before the shoot day that we're gonna get

useable footage, because a perfect

three-act story just doesn't fall into our laps.

That makes sense.

So we need to get back to our insult brainstorm session.

Oh, sorry. Thanks, Mike.

(snapping fingers)

Can I see the script?

Even if some of the lines are written,

I know I never called you a social parasite.

Oh, no, that was just a Frankenbite.

Mark, this is Kent Kincannon,

an editor on our show

and part of my Hollywood entourage.

Stop telling people that, Adam.

Yeah, so a Frankenbite is when editors combine

and trim sentences to make them more concise.

When you hear somebody say something

and it's off-screen, it's probably a Frankenbite.

You can even use Frankenbites

to make people say things they didn't actually say.

Like in this case, we can take this clip.

You're a social media app.

You're a traffic app.

You're a Japanese cat app.

And combine it with this clip here.

(Adam) So it's called amoebic dysentery.

I'm eating.

Please don't talk about your food parasite, Adam.

And, if we edit that audio together

and use different video to hide the edit,

we'll get... You're a social parasite, Adam.

(gasping) I feel so lied to.

How deep does this go?

Does this mean all my fave reality shows are fake?

To some extent, yes.

The people on house-hunting shows have already bought

one of the houses and just removed all the furniture

to make it look vacant.

Food competition shows

let contestants re-cook fresh plates of food.

The Alaskan bush people actually live in Seattle.

And the producers on "The Bachelor" plan

all the dates and tell the bachelor

who to send home when.

Mark, reality shows want you to believe

that they're real life, but the truth is,

they're as fake as everything else on TV.

Oh.

You are more evil than the corpse blender.

R-rated movies are fake.

Award shows are fake.

Reality TV is fake.

Everything is fake and the only thing

on the planet that's real is your show.

Watch it on truTV. All praise Adam!

Oh, no, even my show isn't what it seems.

Let me explain. (tearing)

How many weaves do you have?

(whistling)

(indistinct chatter)

Nothing is real.

Everything I believed in is a lie.

Mark, don't be so dramatic. It's okay.

Mark is gone. I am Cain.

Tell Mark that, yeah, Hollywood is an illusion,

but that's all right.

Mark is too sad to listen.

Maybe Mark would listen

to Ariana Madix from "Vanderpump Rules"?

Hey, Mark. Adam's right.

A lot of Hollywood is an illusion.

But as long as they're honest

about the extent of that illusion, it's okay.

"Vanderpump Rules" is actually really real.

We're all really friends,

we all get in tons of fights,

and I actually do work at the restaurant.

But, that tough conversation

I have to have with my boyfriend,

I know where it's gonna take place, 'cause that table

is surrounded by cameras and lights.

Much like a lot of Hollywood,

it's real and it's produced.

But that's okay, as long as you know the difference.

My show is the same way.

I mean, yeah, I'm a know-it-all in real life, too,

but there's no way one person could learn

all of these facts all by themselves.

That's why I have the help of my writers and researchers.

Heck, half the time,

I'm just reading lines they wrote.

"I'm dumb, Travis is great." Come on, man.

Look, the point is, there's nothing wrong

with a little Hollywood magic,

as long as everyone knows it's a magic trick.

And I hope that by being up-front

about how we make our show,

we've helped generate a little bit of trust.

Wow. That's really cool.

I always wondered how shows like this got made.

It's actually kind of more fun this way.

See, that's the spirit!

Well, I gotta go tend bar for some rich idiots.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Ariana, thanks. Bye.

I'm gonna go home and watch "Bachelor in Paradise"

and try to guess how the producers

got him to say all that dumb stuff.

There you go. Do you want to come?

Oh, yeah, of course.

I mean, if you don't think I'd bug you too much.

No, I learned a lot today.

You know, I'd consider the two of us true friends.

♪

(man) And cut!

That was awesome. Great job, Adam.

Thanks, Tim. Thank you.

Oh, hey, Edwin. Man, great work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you too, man.

Killin' it.

Yo, what time is lunch?

(whistling)

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