All language subtitles for 2014.Spring

(RASPY BREATHING)

(HUMIDIFIER BEEPS)

(WATER TRICKLING)

- Evan.
- Hey.

You were out for a while. Are you hungry

or thirsty or anything?

I love you.

I love you, too, Mom.

How was work?

- It was all right.
- Oh.

Are you happy?

Yes.

Do you want to hear a joke?

Sure.

This shopkeeper

receives flowers
at the opening of his new store...

and the card says, "Rest in peace."

Are you sure you're not thirsty, Ma?

So he calls up the florist
angry and she says,

"Sir, at least you weren't the one

who got flowers at your wife's funeral

that said, "Congratulations
on the new location."

(CHUCKLES)

(RASPY BREATHING)

You need more morphine?

(GROANS)

Ma.

Do you want me to call a priest?

(BREATHING STOPS)

I want you to know I...

think you two were amazing.

And I'm grateful for everything you...

(HAND THUDS)

(SIGHS)

MAN: Why don't you guys bury
these in your stomachs, huh?

That sucked, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna have Shitty Carl
try to cover your shift.

I'm gonna call Carl.

- I'm sorry about your mom.
- Thanks, Mike.

(SIGHS) You know, Ev,
that was a real small funeral.

I mean, you know, it was intimate.

That's what I meant, it was good.
It was a good funeral.

Yeah, they really never had
any friends or family

or anything, so...

Nobody else?

They were only children.

I mean, their parents died young.
It was just the three of us.

You know, I'm really sorry about
the casket thing, too.

I mean, I think I saw I had some...
some fish oil on my hands

- and it... the brass was slick.
- Funerals are for the living, Tom.

Why the fuck does this fucking
goddamn machine not work?!

- 00:05:36,969
Babe, get up! Get up!
Kick his fuckin' ass!

(THUDDING)
(GROANING)

- WOMAN: Get him off him!
- EVAN: Fuck!

- Evan, Evan, Evan!
- MIKE: Fuck, that's enough, man.

- All right. I'm all right!
- Babe, babe, babe.

TOMMY: Fuckin'... Evan,
Jesus Christ, brother.

I mean, you knocked that stupid fuckin'
gold thing right out of his face.

Are you guys fuckin' serious?

Ev, I just picked up, like, fuckin' four
teeth off the goddamn ground, man.

Holy shit.

I mean, holy fucking shit.

Here, put this on your shit.

The cops were here, guys.

Is he pressing charges?

The psychopath? I don't know!

Maybe! You almost fuckin'
murdered the guy!

Will you... you're getting blood
all over your ice.

Will you put the gauze
on your goddamn knuckles

and then fuckin' put ice on it?

Tommy, seriously, cock holster mouth?

- TOMMY: Hey, what...
- Why would you say that?

- 'Cause he had a fuckin' cockmouth.
- MIKE: For fuck's sake!

Look, man, you nee... you need
to change up your environment.

You have a lot of shit going on,
your whole family's dead,

and I think the best thing for you
would be to just shift gears

and do something completely
different with yourself.

Are you telling me that I'm fired, Mike?

He's not saying that.
Mike, you wouldn't...

I'm not saying you're fired.
I'm not saying you're fired.

TOMMY: No, Mike, you're not saying that.

But the boss was here

and he said you can't work here
anymore, man. I'm sorry.

I really don't want to be
unemployed right now, Mike.

Look, I can bring you back.
I swear to God I can bring you back.

I brought Shitty Carl back.

He stabbed a goddamn
crippled guy in the leg with a fork.

Right, Shitty Carl! He's a fuckin' shit.
He's a piece of shit!

- MIKE: I just need some time.
- Ah, fuck!

MIKE: I just need
some fuckin' time, man.

MIKE: You know how it is, man.
I mean, the fucking Yelp reviews.

- We're getting fucked here. I can't...
- What are you gonna do, brother?

- Where did you get this?
- Evan, wait...

All right, I don't need you
to fuckin' follow me home, Tom.

- Just hold up, man.
- (CAR RADIO BLARING)

Ev!

TOMMY: Fuck.

Dude, do you need any help
down at the boats?

Can I have one of those?

Yeah.

(STAMMERING) I'll ask around.

You should talk to Dale
about construction gigs.

Dale?

He's been unemployed since June, man.

- (TOM SCOFFS)
- Give me that lighter.

You want to gut fish for tourists?

I mean, I smelled like a tuna fish's
asshole for four years,

but it's good work.

- (EVAN EXHALES)
- Smell that.

- I don't... I don't know.
- Just smell it.

- I don't know.
- It's like it's on me forever.

I got some inheritance.
I can just use that.

Yo, where my fuckin'
cigarette at, bitch?

It's gonna get real fuckin' boring

- following me around all night.
- I know where you live now, bitch.

Why don't you just go back to fuckin'
East County you fuckin' tweakers?

- Fuck you, you motherfuckers.
- Fuck you!

Thanks for staying, man.

Yeah, they'll file a police report,
they'll sue me,

then they'll come back here
with baseball bats.

You want me to stay? Got an extra bed?

My mom's.

(DEEP INHALE, EXHALE)

Fuck. I mean, Ev, I love you, brother,

but I'm not drunk enough to sleep
in your mom's deathbed.

Yeah.

Why don't you just lock the doors?
I'll call you tomorrow.

- Are you gonna be all right?
- Mm-hmm.

- You gonna be all right?
- Yup.

Yeah, you gonna be all right.
I'll see you tomorrow.

- (FENCE CLANGS)
- Fuck!

These fuckin' things.

- Am I supposed to fuckin' jump it?
- Are you fuckin' retarded?

- There's a hinge, man.
- (LAUGHING)

Fuck you, man.

Hey, uh... why don't you...

why don't you call up somebody
for a sympathy fuck?

No, I'm good, dude.

All right.

I'm telling you, Evan,
your mom just died.

You're only gonna get
to use that one once.

I love you, brother!

- EVAN: Love you, dude.
- TOMMY: I love you.

(FENCE CLANGS)

(EVAN MOANING)

Mm, condom?

(EVAN GROANS) Okay.

(EVAN GROANS)

(EVAN GROANS)

- Mm. (SNIFFS)
- Handsome picture.

I look like a hobo with smallpox.

You know I'm only here
because I feel sorry for you,

but this is a very nice picture,
Evan Russell.

Thank you.

- You're sitting on the condom.
- Mm, why do you have this?

(LAUGHS) Are you fucking whores in TJ?

Oh.

(LAUGHING) What?

How did you even get to that?

My dad, he made me get one
'cause we were gonna go to Italy

after I got back from college,
but you know what happened.

How do you feel about me?

I just got sober all of a sudden.
I can't do this, I'm sorry.

Get out of town, Evan.

(SIGHS) Right now?

Yeah. My brother's a fuckup, too,
and he took a break

and he went to India,
and he totally re-centered.

I just worked my way up
to sous chef, though.

You didn't go to Berkeley
to chop vegetables.

(LAUGHS)
You sound like an elitist asshole.

Mm, I'm just not sober
enough for this conversation.

Then let's have sex. (BREATHING DEEPLY)

00:12:47,223
(WHISPERING) You're a wizard, Harry.

You're a wizard.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

BRITISH MAN: So I says to Mabel,
I says, you can't fucking put

the guy on the fence like that

'cause it's fucking getting
in the way of my apple trees.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry, mate. Yes, bruv, what?

Do you guys know where I can
find an Italian phrase book?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a bundle
of them down there, actually, pal.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- Where are you from?
- California.

Oh, California. What, Hollywood!

(LAUGHING)

- Join us for a drink, pal.
- Yeah, come on, man.

Come on. Sit down. Have a drink with us.

Go off and get him a drink, go on.

- I'm Tom. That's me pal, Sam.
- (SAM WHISTLES)

Sam's Welsh and he fucks sheep,
but don't worry, he's all right.

You know, he won't come near your bum.

- I'm not Welsh.
- TOM: Listen, mate,

- you are gonna fucking love it here.
- Thanks.

All you do is eat,
fucking drink, smoke weed.

I lay off the scag personally, don't I?
But it's your holiday, mate.

You do what you fucking like.

(LAUGHS) Let's see if the Yank
can fucking keep up, eh?

- (THUDS)
- SAM: Boo!

- (LAUGHING)
- SAM: Look at that.

- Well done, bruv.
- (BOTTLE THUDS)

Oh, my God, I wish I could
fucking talk Italian, you know?

SAM: Bunch of sixes, bruv.

- Sixes?
- EVAN: Ciao. Ciao.

TOM: Oh, he's a goddamn American hero.

- 00:15:36,318
I said, "Fuck you, you cunt."
Do you remember that?

I was like, "Fuck you, you cunt."
Proper cunt.

- (LAUGHING)
- I'm like, "Fuck you, you mug."

Next thing you know,
I got punched in the face, mate.

Woke up three days later in hospital
the cunt had fuckin' done me.

He didn't help. He didn't help.

He didn't help.

You ever seen "8 Mile"?
You seen that movie "8 Mile"?

- EVAN: Yeah.
- Right? It's like that.

So, geezers just rapping.

And then, I swear to God, one geezer
goes... goes up on the mic, right?

And he goes,
"Who can fucking battle me, blud?"

All this fucking bollocks.
"Who gonna battle me?"

I said, "Do you know what,
fuck this cunt. I'll fuckin' have a go."

Never rapped in me life, bruv.
Never fucking rapped in my life.

Went up there, mate.
Proper smashed him, mate,

- with a bottle in the face.
- 00:19:42,689
- Hey, mate, you got a Wi-Fi code?
- No, I ain't got a Wi-Fi code.

You do have the Wi-Fi code, mate.
Can I just...

I gave it to you last night, man.

What did you do with
that little piece of paper?

You fucking rolled, didn't you?

You used it as a roach.

- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- (TOM GROANS)

Oh, bro, I fucking blazed
the fucking Wi-Fi code, mate.

(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

...because I hate all nations equally.
And I'll tell you something else,

- the problem with Yanks, right?
- Yeah, everyone hates Americans.

I get it. I'm an evil imperialist.

You don't play rugby,
that's the problem.

Well, yeah, there's that, but it's
also 'cause you're fucking loud.

- You're loud. I played soccer.
- Whole nation is loud.

I played soccer in elementary school
and I drink... I drink well.

- No, you can't.
- 00:22:49,542
(WAVES CRASHING)

- TOM: Oi!
- SAM: Hey!

(WHISTLES)
(BAGS ZIPPING)

TOM: You went pint
for pint last night, son.

- I'm fucking proud of you.
- SAM: Well done, son, well done.

- I did?
- TOM: Nope.

SAM: Oi, we're leaving, mate.

- Okay.
- TOM: Yeah, it's too expensive.

We're going to Amsterdam.

- All right.
- You want to come?

No.

SAM: All right. Good times, mate.
Good times. Good times.

TOM: Yeah, take care of yourself, son.

Okay.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

(WAVES CRASHING)

(CAR DOOR SLAMS)

00:33:08,577
I bet you also think names
determine personality, right?

- Oh, they do. All Crystals are sluts.
- Oh.

- Yeah! (YELLING IN ARABIC)
- Oh.

And... and Evans are nice.

You do like me, then.

Maybe.

I know names don't determine shit.

But there are still lots
of mysteries out there.

Even I'm a mystery to myself.

I wish I could say I wasn't just
a simpleminded dude.

I understand about half of myself.

- Then you're half magic.
- Mmm.

I'm half undiscovered science,

bunch of confusing biochemistry,

and some crazy hormones.

She drowned a few months ago.

EVAN: That's horrible.

Yeah, the dams up the mountain broke.

Her body was taken
out to the sea by the flude.

Flood?

And they found her dead body in Sicily.

You know, I know it's cliché,
but all the people

that put that religious stuff up?
I mean, why do they think

God would do that
to a little girl like her?

I don't know.
Maybe 'cause everybody's gonna die

whether they believe
in God or not, right?

I have this buddy... um, great guy,
always wasted, though.

Not really perceptive.

He goes to a party with his girlfriend,

and this other girl,

maybe about four feet tall,
walks up to him...

punches him in the face. Knocks him out.

Turns out this girl was cheating
on him with his girlfriend.

So now everybody knows Tommy was
knocked out by a lesbian named Tiny.

Mm, I love Tiny, but what is your point?

Nothing. It's just a funny story.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

No.

(GASPS)

(THUDS)
(CAT YOWLING)

ANGELO: In winter, you put dirt here.

In spring, we just take off.

Done.

Perfect.

This is... (SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Got it.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Bene. Perfect.

You take out this... (SPEAKING ITALIAN)

- All of them?
- Si.

(BIRD CAWING)

(CAT WHIMPERING)

What's that, kitty?

What's that? What's that?

(SKIN SIZZLING)

(MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(WINGS FLUTTERING)

(REFRIGERATOR HUMMING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

00:44:08,779
- Soup's ready.
- Just a second.

LOUISE: Do you ever feel like
you have to shower immediately?

Uh, I think that's a girl thing.

LOUISE: Showering is a girl thing?

I'm going to the beach on Sunday.

You are waiting to bathe in the sea?

Uh, yup. You want to come?

LOUISE: That's gross.

Seriously, do you want to go with me?

I can't. I'm taking medication
that makes my skin sun-sensitive.

So, I only get to see you at night?

You can meet my husband
and kids, if you want,

but our nights together
must remain a secret.

Mm. Yeah, we'd probably get
bored with each other anyway.

LOUISE: Mm.

Not bad. What's in it?

Leeks, saffron, and rabbit.

It's just a broth

with a bunch of spices and vegetables.

Oh, Jesus, you're a vegetarian?

I try to be, but sometimes I crave meat.

00:55:37,675
(SNIFFING)

- (FLESH BUBBLING)
- Shit.

(SNIFFS)

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

(CROWS CAWING)

(LABORED BREATHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Good job, Bob.

Sorry, Sally.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(WHIMPERING)

(RABBIT SQUEAKING)

(KNOCKS)

LOUISE: Come in.

EVAN: Hey.

Long, bad day.

Let's stay in.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Sorry I'm being really boring.

- You feel all right?
- I think so.

Do I look all right?

You look beautiful.

I might be sick. You may not
want to get too close.

What are you doing?

Lift up your head.

I read that this is what you do
when a girl gets sick.

You don't have to.

Anything to eat?

There are some oranges
and yogurt in the fridge.

Here, find something for us to watch.

What happened to Bob and Sally?

I don't want to talk about it.

You want some?

Thanks.

My friend Tommy
said he was born with a tail.

I doubt your friend Tommy
is one of the 23 cases ever.

- No, he totally is.
- Mm, yeah.

We have lots of things
we don't use anymore.

I'm pretty sure they sell this
at Urban Ourfitters.

It's oversimplified and misleading,
but I like the pictures.

Want some water?

Vino.

- Vino?
- Wine.

I know.

Thank you.

Di piu? How much more?

Basta finito.

- For the day?
- Si.

Well, let's go fishing or something.

No. Sono stanco.

Come on, man.

My girlfriend's at work,
I got nothing to do.

Look, if you're stanco,
let me drive these down.

Have fun. (SPEAKING ITALIAN)

MAN: Whoo! Touchdown, Epsilon,

Lamda, Omega! Run! Run, run, Pledge!

Run faster, faggot!

Oh, oh, fuck you!

Oh, oh, oh!

♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

♪ My gigantic cock? ♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(BELL TOLLING)

- LOUISE: Oh. Hi.
- (EVAN GASPS)

- EVAN: Oh, my God.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- What are you doing here?
- Walking home from work.

What are you doing here?

Um, here.

We're buying gifts now?

It has Roman porn in it. Remember?

You didn't sign it, though.

(BELL TOLLING)

(PEN SCRATCHING)

(LAUGHS)

- Hmm.
- (LAUGHS)

There are so many more
tourists here than usual.

This is the beginning.

Late spring is a madhouse.

- You want to go somewhere?
- Let's go.

Okay, but you can't tell anyone.
It's a secret.

Not Tommy, no girls.

- Anywhere away from tourists.
- You're a tourist.

We have to get my boat. Come on.

You have a boat?

(LOUISE SINGING IN GERMAN)

- Come on, faster, Evan! Faster!
- Can you swim if we sink?

LOUISE: The lady gorilla won't sink.

EVAN: Seriously, can you swim?

Okay, so we're very close.

So paddle us as fast as you can,
then get down.

- All right, have you done this before?
- (LOUISE SINGING IN GERMAN)

EVAN: This looks like magic.

LOUISE: Looks like stuff from nature
we haven't figured out yet.

EVAN: Well, what makes this?

The glow? It's from refracted sunlight

coming through a big hole underwater.

How did you find it?

My friend showed it to me.

There are some others the tours
go to, but this one is a secret.

Some of the Roman statues from
the exhibit were found over there.

LOUISE: Hormones and biochemistry.

Moment ruined and I think
we're taking on water.

Stop talking shit about my boat, Evan.

LOUISE: Can I ask you
something awkward now?

EVAN: No.

Do you ever change your clothes?

- Yes!
- Really?

All I brought is my backpack
and the only things they sell here

are, like, "I heart Bologna" shirts.

MAN: Octopussy!

- We are not all like that.
- MAN: Octopussy.

MAN: You girls old enough to drink?

You know where we can get some beer?

Uh, Evan, are you still hungry?

No, I'm good.

'Cause you know, the clinic
opens really early tomorrow.

- Yeah, I have work tomorrow, too.
- I've got to go to bed.

- Don't pay for me.
- No, you did all the rowing.

- But thanks for a wonderful time.
- (EVAN GROWLS)

(MOANING)

(PANTING)

What up?

Hey, I have weed in my hotel room.

(LAUGHING) I don't speak French.

Uh...

how much to suck my dick?

MAN: Shh, shh.

What the...?

(SNARLING)

(MAN SCREAMING)

(BELL RINGING)

(INDISTINCT TV CHATTER)

(ANGELO YELLING IN ITALIAN)

(DOOR OPENS)

Football bad?

Si.

Where are you off to all dapper?

Chiesa. Come.

(ANGELO SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Grazie.

Your Italian is going better.

Yeah, I'm trying. (LAUGHS)

Are there any single donne at church?

Si.

You should ask one out.

- I can't.
- Yeah, you can.

My wife.

Oh, well...

if you ever feel ready, then you should.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hey.
- Hey.

Something wrong?

No, it's...

- Can I come in?
- No, it's not a good time right now.

Um, well, I mean if you really have to.

Um, I didn't sleep at all last night,

so forgive me if I stumble through this.

I don't even know how much
you need me to tell you this,

because it's been barely a week,

but things got intense so fast and...

Tell me what?

We can't see each other anymore.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

I don't think you're ready
for where this is going

and I have some things
I need to work through

without being in a relationship.

And, Evan, I'm...

I'm really, really sorry
for leading you on like this.

I can see how
you could feel like this has...

this has all been going so fast.

Like, if you're freaked out and you
need some space, that's fine.

Evan, you've been through a lot recently

and maybe you're not
thinking clearly, but...

I'm fine.

- What's your problem?
- No, I...

I'd really rather not explain
what's the problem.

Um, again, I can't tell you
how sorry I am

and that you're a wonderful guy, but...

What happened to intimacy
being talking about stuff?

That's it? So I leave here

and it's like you and I never happened?

We never see each other again?

Okay.

I want you to know something...

take it or leave it...

I think you could be
the love of my life,

and I know that sounds stupid,
it's only been five days.

But it's true.

If you don't feel anything for me
and that's what this is really about,

then I wish you the best
with everything in your life

'cause I think you're an amazing person.

But if you do feel something,

I think you should think
about this a little bit longer.

All right.

(PEOPLE SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(GROANS)

I'm taking off, Angelo.

01:13:05,138
Ciao.

Hey, Angelo?

I wanted to say thank you.

Uh, even with all this,
I'm living the fantasy

of some rich American housewife.

I don't know how much
longer I'm gonna stay here,

but I want you to know
that I appreciate all this.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Police?

Immigration.

Immigration? Do I need to worry?

- And.
- Should I run?

And.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(CLOCK TICKING)

So back in the US,
the cops are after me.

Before that, I lost my job

and lost my... my parents.

Here, I lost my job,

lost my girlfriend,
and the cops are after me.

(SIGHS)
(DOG BARKING)

01:18:15,990
Sure, so my body uses the cells

so I stay the same age
and heal very fast.

But... embryonic cells?

Are you fucking pregnant?

Fuck!

I conceive and about a week later

I'm a healthy 20-year-old
with 50% new DNA.

I stay the same age for about 20 years
and then I need new cells.

- And you dumped me once you got 'em.
- You wouldn't have recognized me anyway.

I'll have to start a new life.
I always do, every 20 years.

Why tonight? Why even get to know me?

I didn't want to hurt you.

- Ha!
- God damn it, I mean physically.

Before my body uses the cells,
it goes crazy.

I rot, I turn into creatures
from our evolutionary past,

- I fucking kill stuff!
- Fuck!

(EVAN GROANS)

- Hey, we both have tempers, huh?
- Yeah, but mine's worse.

And something is off.
And I thought I could control it, but...

fuck, I got...

I got desperate
and I tried occult books and...

- Occult books?
- I ate my rabbit.

- What?
- Okay, it's not magic, okay?

There's adult stem cells in cat brains
and rabbit intestines, testicles.

Well, use those!

I do, but they aren't as effective.

Okay, well, whatever I saw
on your living room floor,

that was not the physical laws
of the universe.

- Okay, just...
- I need a second.

Look, just because you haven't
seen something before, Evan,

doesn't mean it's supernatural.

(SIGHS) Evan.

Can you please stop walking away?

- Please?
- Give me a minute.

(RINGING)

- TOMMY: Hello?
- Hello? Tommy!

- Yeah?
- Hey, it's Evan!

- Ev!
- What's up, man?

- How you doin', brother?
- I'm good, I'm good.

- Yeah, I met a girl.
- What? Is she fucking hot?

- Yeah, she's... she's really hot, yeah.
- (TOMMY LAUGHING)

- Um, do you have a sec?
- Uh, sure, man.

- What's up?
- (GROANS)

I got this girl or, uh...
maybe monster pregnant

and I don't know if she's gonna, like,

- give birth to herself or...
- What?

- Hello? Tommy? Tommy?
- Hello? Ev?

Ev, dude, I just smoked
a huge fucking bowl...

- Smoked a huge bowl?
- Yeah, man.

- Like, right before you called.
- Gotcha.

Yeah, right before I got
on the phone? Okay.

Yeah.

Um, no, no. No problem, man,
no problem at all.

Just, uh... I'll call you back
another time.

Call me back, man.
Have a good time out there.

Yeah. Yup, enjoy.

01:29:38,589
LOUISE: Welcome to Naples!

- Welcome!
- Are we looking for crack?

We're on the run.
No police ever come here.

You're trying to get me killed.

- Hashish?
- How much?

- No thanks, thanks. Thank you.
- 20?

- Can you change 50?
- Don't even make eye contact.

Are you kidding me?

Do you have a lighter?

- (LOUISE LAUGHING)
- EVAN: That's terrible.

We should buy you some clothes now.

- Why do you hate my shirt?
- You don't listen.

- Oh, I listen.
- No, you still don't.

(LAUGHING) Oh, I listen.

Uh, let's see, I got you pregnant.

You can use those embryo cells
to heal fast and live forever.

When you do that, you physically become
half the man who got you pregnant.

Um, when you are pregnant, you turn
into a cross between creatures

from our evolutionary past and a corpse.

You could choose
to use your adult cells,

but then you'd die someday, so...

(STAMMERING) You know, honey,

just because you listen to a few
things doesn't make you Oprah.

- It does.
- (LAUGHS) No, it doesn't.

I find it amazing that I even
understood half of what you said.

I've actually never been in a church.

Well, let's go in that one.

- You wouldn't be bored?
- No, no.

I haven't been to that one
since the grand opening.

So do you know anything about all this?

I've always been a student of science,

but it's pretty and I like the rituals.

No, I mean do you know
anything about, like...?

No. The gods change so much,
I can't keep up.

Hmm.

All this time and all the things
you haven't been able to explain.

Just seems like you'd know
more or something.

Just because I can't explain
something about myself right now

doesn't mean it's metaphysical.

It means science can't explain it yet.

Hmm.

You looked like a ghost
in that picture at the restaurant.

You just saw me look like stuff

from stories you've read
or saw, that's it.

Guess giant squid were myths
until one washed up on a beach.

People used to think people with rabies

and porphyria were vampires,

but that doesn't mean vampires are real.

It means science hadn't
caught up with the myth.

And even if I knew I'm supernatural,
it doesn't prove anything about...

Fear of the unknown makes a lot
of really pretty stuff, though.

Um, Louise, did you bring your shots?

Yeah, there's one in my purse.

- You should use it.
- Why, do you see something?

Yeah, a little something.

Just do it here.

- Don't get up.
- Okay.

So, this time in Prussia,
1760-something,

so I'm walking through the cemetery

and they're digging up corpses,

and the corpses would move
from escaping gases and whatnot.

- And so they're, like, staking...
- Hey, hey, hey, shh.

...dead people, calling them vampires.

Nerve-wracking. So I left there.

I'm in the New World and women
were hung for being witches

for, like, a lot less than my quirks.

One colonial guy said I was aging well.

No joke, I was on the first ship
back to England.

So, then I'm in France and they
were, like, burning women

at the stake for having a moody day.

So I catch a train to Germany
in the 1930s, and, I mean, we all know

- what happened there, right?
- Hey, Louise?

Do you want to show me...
what's your favorite museum here?

- We should go check it out.
- Oh, okay.

- Can we get some pizza first?
- Of course, yeah.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

EVAN: Really pouring on
the melodrama in this one.

You look so different.

Oh, yeah, my boyfriend before
was a very unattractive Ottoman.

How many men are you a mix of?

You don't want to know.

I don't?

Are you jealous, Evan?

No, but if every...

you're 2,000 years old...
if every 20 years...

Do you have a problem with how
many men I slept with and my age?

Okay, just in the fresco
in the book I gave you.

None. I'm actually 22 years old
in that painting.

You're a virgin in that painting?

Yes. Does that make you happy?

So you really hated being martyred, huh?

I was just a peasant
posing for the scene.

After the Black Plague,
I think I was just happy

I wasn't scrubbing bodily fluids.

I have just one question.

Who the fuck is this guy?

Where do you think I got
these fingers from?

You're still really pretty
as an Ottoman peasant.

Look at... look at this guy.
He's like... (GROWLING)

EVAN: "Stop! Stop hitting me!"

I wanted to show you something
even older than me.

EVAN: I saw this on
The Learning Channel.

It was a bomb shelter
during World War II.

Yeah, mention World War II and every
American becomes a historian.

Oh, do they? Well, we watch movies.

Lots of them.

So, um, what happens when...
when this goes down?

This body dies

and the cells recreate a new one.

And what if you use your adult cells?

Then...

then I'd look exactly the same,
just pregnant,

and that would be horrifying.

How much time do you have left?

Until the equinox. Sunrise, probably.

Your body knows when winter ends?

When I was little,
time was measured differently,

so all that bullshit with sun gods
and whatever, it never...

Cool, well, if you stay with me...

I'll give something up, too.

Smoking.

We'll both end up like these guys.

Yeah, in, like, 50 years! Come on!

So you would be giving up life
to become a father?

I'm an illegal immigrant olive farmer.
New frontiers.

So you want to spend
the rest of your life with me?

Yeah.

I think you're rushing dating

and death and fatherhood.

Well, how do you choose
to use your adult cells?

- Or your embryonic...
- Oh, wow, look at this guy!

Whoo!

How do you choose?

I don't.

My... my body chooses.

Well, how does your body choose?

Oxytocin.

I'm totally lost again.

It's the hormone that makes women
fall in love and get maternal.

And if it were high enough,

survival reaction blocks
the embryonic cells

and defaults into my adult stem cells.

You know that?

I mean I don't, but I'm not sure.

But I can show you
the origin of the theory.

You're still not in love with me?

(SNARLS)

(PANTING)

Last syringe.

You still want this?

Okay.

I... I want to show you where I grew up.

So if you love me,

then there's this hormone
and you'll stay the same?

In theory, yeah.

But neither of us
has much control over it

and how would I even know?

I know I'm in love with you.

You know that?

Yes.

So it seems like you should
know if you love me or not.

So you never lusted for someone
before and then it passed?

(EVAN SIGHS)

So you've never been in love before?

I guess not.

- Not in thousands of years?
- I am not a sociopath, okay?

I just have really bad luck.

- Bad luck.
- I got it.

(LOUISE LAUGHS) Okay.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

LOUISE: You probably
know the entire city

was buried by the volcano
you see there in the distance.

Buried in ash and pumice
perfectly preserved

and was rediscovered
and dug up centuries later.

And if you look to your left,
you'll see an example

of one of the earliest
"Beware of Dog" signs.

Are you sure there's no security here?

No, but, Evan, I feel like you
don't want to see my home town.

- What the fuck?
- Yup.

When excavators came across
chambers shaped like human...

Ev... Evan, no! (LAUGHING)

- No, come back.
- Was that a real dog?

What are you doing?

They injected plaster into them
and that's what you get.

And here we have the whorehouse.
I've never been there.

But I've been to the bakery
you see to your right

and to the bar here on the corner.

And...

EVAN: What?

I want to show you my family now.

Okay, that's weird.

I didn't know
their tombs were here, but...

So this is my father,

my mother, and my little brother.

How did you get away in time?

- I didn't.
- Then how did you get out?

You really want to know?

It's 2,000 years ago, so I'm doing fine.

My pain threshold is still
built for birthing,

so lava is fine.

My oxytocin case study?

I got it from her.

It's hereditary.

She gave it all up for me and my father.

I don't want to die and I don't
want to watch anyone die.

Well, at least you got the same
backstory as Harry Potter.

- That's pretty cool.
- (LAUGHS)

Can I say something
in absolute sincerity?

I'm gonna miss the hell out of you.

Like, it's gonna fucking hurt, bad.

Your perfect male fantasy
just shattered.

A younger wife and a sugar mama.