All language subtitles for Zombeavers 2014.720p.BluRay.DD5.1.x264-VietHD-eng

So four months later,
she's pregnant again,

you know, so we're going back
down to the clinic, she's crying,

"Do you love me?"
and all that type of stuff,

I told her I did but...

You think that means
I'm going to hell?

Nah.

You know I dated a guy once.

Could I hear
all about it?

I mean, there's not a lot to tell,

it's like one of the
easiest weeks of my life

other than the sex.

That was brutal.

You know, it's not the
dick, it's the whiskers, man,

just creeps you out.

Yeah, we just agreed
on everything.

"Want to get some beers?"
"Yeah. "

"Want to watch the game?"
"Absolutely. "

We have beers
and we watch the game.

I hear a lot of
myself in this story.

There's none of you in the story,
man, it was a one-time thing.

Yeah.

My friend told me I can't
shit in his house anymore.

Oh, isn't that the
worst? You believe that?

Yeah, they get all mad 'cause
you blew out their bathroom.

It's a place to shit.

It's the... That's what
the room is built for.

You're supposed to go
in there and take a shit

and then when you do it,

they act like
they're surprised.

Like you took a dump on
their table or something.

Yeah. I did take a dump on his table.

Hey, man, you see
that deer up there?

Yeah, I see it.

I don't think you do.

Okay, I admit it.
I didn't see the deer.

I see him now.

Hey, check the back.

Your back's fine.

I'm gonna
check the front.

He's not gonna make it.

Eh, they carry disease.

All right, here we go. Up and over.

Gotta shit.
Dammit.

Just a second.

Whoa.

Sorry. The ladies' room
was occupied.

Would you mind moving?

Well, why don't you...

I don't mind doing
anything you ask me to do.

What took you so long?

Um, they were out of toilet
paper. Had to use my hands.

I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit.

And on the slitted
sheet I sit.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I
slit and on this shitted...

Dammit.
You suck.

I know.

Hey, biatch,
what did I say?

Right. No texting.

Sorry.

You know,
that's totally rude, Jenn.

No textin' and no boys
for the entire weekend.

Wow. That sounds
so awesome.

Shut up, Zoe.

Maybe this is
a bad idea.

I don't want you guys
to have a lame weekend

just 'cause of me.

Well, great,
let's re-invite the guys.

Isn't that right,
Gosling?

He says,
"Yes, that's right. "

That's not
real supportive, Zoe.

I mean, if Buck
cheated on you,

I wouldn't be making a joke
about it every five minutes.

First of all, like, Buck
would never cheat on me.

And second,

I'm only kidding,
Jenn, so relax.

This weekend
is about Y-O-U.

Yeah, we know that's
asking you to give up a lot.

Nah, only about
six inches.

That is so gross.

Yeah. Next subject,
please.

Mary, does your cousin's
shack have electricity?

Why? Do you need a place
to plug in your vibrator?

How dare you?

Ah!

Turn that
music off, Mary.

You seriously like this?

You seriously don't?

Don't listen.

I can't believe I'm friends with
people who have no taste in music.

Here we are.

This is so beautiful.

Do your cousins, like, throw their
trash in the middle of the lake?

Why would you
even ask that?

'Cause, there's
a big piece of wood

just floating
in the middle of it.

That's a raft,
you idiot.

It's anchored there
so people can use it.

Come on, let's go.
We're almost there.

The suspense
is killin' me.

Are we stoppin' here
for more gas?

My legs!

My butt hurts.

Yeah, thanks to
your boyfriend.

Very funny.

That's disgusting.

I'm first.

I seriously
need a drink.

Okay.

Go kill some
squirrels, buddy.

Kill 'em good.

What do you think?

Are we really
gonna swim in that bog?

First off,
it's a lake.

And yes, we're really
gonna swim in it.

I haven't swam in a
lake in my whole life.

Have you swam in a pool? Yeah.

Well, I think
you're gonna find out

it's really
not all that different.

Of course it's different.
This is nature.

She's right.

You're gonna wind up with a
lot more bugs in your mouth.

Oh, you guys, that
neighbor lady is comin' over

so be nice.
Oh, my God...

Mary, is that you?

Mrs. Gregorson.

It's so nice
to see you.

Oh, my goodness,
you have blossomed.

Not really.

Her tits are still small.

Thanks, Zoe.

Myrna, these are
my sorority sisters,

this is Jenn and Zoe.

Oh, right, well,
it's a pleasure.

Hello.
'Sup, biatch?

Are you looking
after the house

while your cousins
are away?

Oh, no. We're just
up here for the weekend.

Oh, right. Unwinding
in between all the exams.

Well, we were supposed to
have torrid, getaway sex

but Jenn's guy
cheated on her, so...

Oh, I see.

She is kiddin',
Mrs. Gregorson.

I am kidding.
None of us have had sex.

Even

Yeah.

Oh, it's okay, Mary.

My daughter is a total
fuckin' bitch too.

A real whore.

Sometimes she brings
people home,

I don't even know
what sex they are.

And I'm not saying anything
negative about them,

I'm a very,
very liberal woman,

but my daughter
is a real piece of work

and not that attractive.

Well, if you girls
need anything,

you know
where to find us.

Winston and I would love to
have you over for breakfast.

Yeah, that,
that sounds nice.

Maybe we'll take you
up on that.

No pressure, of course.

Okay.

Here we are.

Home sweet home.

Whoo!

Ugh, it smells in here.

What's that
smell in here?

It smells like wood.

Where's the bathroom?

Straight down the hall.

Where's the other bathroom?

There's only
one bathroom.

I'm just gonna go
right here.

You seriously can't wait
two minutes for Jenn?

Shh. It's coming out.

Come on.

What?

One bathroom.
Fun, right?

Be my guest.

Let me guess.
No service.

What? Oh, Jenn, you
are a horrible liar.

Okay. I texted him back.

Why are girls so
attracted to such assholes?

You're not. Tommy's great.

You are not supposed to
be talking to Sam.

That is the whole purpose
of this entire trip.

Well, it's not like I have
much of a choice now, is it?

Exactly.

How am I gonna
check my messages?

I have not gone more than
24 hours without Instagram

since, like,
there was no Instagram.

And I'm copin'.

If Zoe can do it,
you can do it.

There's no
fuckin' service.

You knew about this,
didn't you?

You said no boys,
not no phones.

I did say no phones.

But you didn't say it would
be physically impossible

to use it
behind your back.

What is the big deal,
you guys?

People went thousands of
years without cell phones,

you can go two days.

Speak for yourself.

What if there's, like,
an emergency or somethin'?

There's, like,
a land line.

A what?

You guys, you're not gonna
miss your phones. I promise you.

Now can we
just get changed?

I don't wanna
get changed.

I wanna send a text!

No, no,
Gosling, stay here.

Sunglasses, check.
Towels, check.

Sunscreen, check.

Whoo! All right,
let's get naked.

What are you doing?

Someone could see you.

Who? Mrs. Gregorson?

I see, like,
two houses here.

If I'm getting anything out of
being stuck in the middle of nowhere,

it's a tan without lines.

Come on in, bitches.

Well, I guess we can be
grateful she left the bottoms on.

I bet Mrs. Gregorson
swims topless.

It's so nice out.

Okay, do mine now.

Oh, I'm so comfortable.

Can't Mary do it?

You used me.

Stop.

I'll do it.

Mmm.

This is nice.

What is that?

Looks like a beaver dam.

I want to see a beaver.
They're so adorable.

Yeah, well don't get
your hopes up.

I'm pretty sure
they're nocturnal.

Where'd you learn that?
Wikipedia?

I learned it from
livin' in Indiana,

which means that you
should know it too.

Well, all I know
is they're fat rats

with big,
stupid-ass teeth.

Nice.

Where are you goin'?

Come on,
let's go take a look.

Whoo!

Make it rain, bitches!

Whoo!

Here, beaver,
beaver, beaver.

Gross.

Try banging on it,
that should wake 'em up.

At least cover up, at least
while we're walkin' around.

My top is
on the other side.

You wanna
lend me yours?

Cut it out.

Ew. Is that like,
green beaver urine?

Guess.

Kinda looks like it.

Maybe that's like how they mark
their territory or somethin'.

By pissin'
all over their house?

They don't live
in the dam, you idiot.

They live in the lodge.

Over there.

Here, beaver,
beaver, beaver.

Yeah, nice try. That
one's covered in piss too.

Fine. You win.

Beavers piss
all over everything.

Are you happy?

I don't see any beavers.

Oh, my God!
What?

I'm scared.
It's gonna be okay.

We're just gonna
back up real slowly.

Thank you so much.

Well, look at you
three little heifers.

I think you just might
have saved our lives.

That's doubtful.

Bears don't usually attack more
than one or two folks at a time.

You'd be three.

Of course, if you'd have
taken a step in his direction

he might have
hightailed it.

Well, better safe
than sorry then.

Yeah.

You girls from out of town?

My name is Mary.
Mary Daughtry.

Uh, we're stayin' over
there at my cousin's place.

McKellers?
Yeah. You know 'em?

No.

My name's Smyth,
with a Y.

Just in case you girls need
to write me a check one day.

What brings you
across the lake?

We were looking
for beavers.

Well, hell,
ain't we all?

Well, if you see one,

you ought to
stay away from it.

They will
mess with you.

You look real close,
they'll come out,

Peak out just a little
bitty knob out there,

little pink knob, like
a little ol' puppy's dick.

Well, I guess we'll be
more careful then.

You know...

You might want to
cover up.

We got decent folk
out in this neighborhood.

Families.
You know, kids.

Yeah, we know.

It's just that she lost
her bikini top in the lake.

Talking about
all three of you.

Your little
bare stomachs,

weird-ass
little tattoos.

Okay, he's a creeper.

Yeah. There's probably some
helpless furry little animal

just waiting to get shot.

Ugh.

Well, I've had enough
excitement for one day.

At least you got to
see a man, right?

I don't like them there
tattoos and shit.

Shut up,
he could hear you.

I don't care.

All right,
I got popcorn.

Sing a song...

Is it popcorn
or is it popped-corn?

I don't know.
Jenn, go long!

Zoe, you're wasting it all.

Okay, whose turn is it?

All right, Jenn.
Would you rather? Go.

Okay. Would you rather

never be able to
use a tampon

or never be able to
use lipstick?

That is so lame, Jenn.

I've got one.

Are you ready?

Would you rather

watch your mom get
murdered by your daddy

or get raped
by your daddy

while your mom
had to watch?

Zoe, that's awful.

Would you rather?

Answer it.

I guess

get raped by my dad.

Ew!
Gross!

What? Would you rather
have your mom die?

I wouldn't do either.

That's so fucking
disgusting.

You're sick.

What's the point
of this game anyways?

I don't blame you,
your dad's real hot.

He is.

All right. Home run me.
Home run me.

Ready? Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Da, da, da, da, dah!

You missed. I did
it by the air, bitch.

I'll do it myself.

Ah!
Whoo!

I got it.
Truth or dare.

Y'all can make out
like you did last time.

No, that's no fun unless
there's guys around

to make jealous.

That's bullshit.

You liked it
and you know it.

Come here,
come give me a kiss.

Stop. I didn't even
say dare.

What was that?

It's your daddy, Jenn.

Yeah, he's come
to collect.

Oh, real funny.

No, seriously,
what the fuck is that?

Well,

I'm just gonna have to
go and find out.

Don't open the door.

Hello?

Anybody?

Hey, serial killers,

we've got three
hot babes in here

who haven't had sex
in a really long time.

It could be dangerous out there. Ooh!

Zoe, I'm serious.

You know what, Mary?
You're a real buzzkill.

Don't go out there!

Why are there
no streetlights?

Because there are
no streets.

I hate the country.

Zoe.

What the hell is that?

Should we call the
police or something?

Oh, my God,
oh, my God.

It's okay, it's okay.
It was just the wind.

It's locked.

Mary...

It's okay. Just...

Ha, ha!

Tommy! You asshole!

Oh, come on.

It's nice
to see you too.

But that wasn't funny.

How did you
even get up here?

I'm sorry, babe.
Buck talked me into it.

Yeah, I had to drag his
ass all the way up here

and the whole time
he's like,

"Wait, no, wait, Mary said
that we're not supposed to come.

"Mary said that
it's just girl's night.

"Mary wants to just be with
her vagina all weekend. "

Shut up, Buck.

Oh, my God, you guys should
have seen y'all's faces.

It was classic.

You were in on this?

Not if it'll make you
any madder.

Would any of you ladies
care to come inside

and join me, 'cause
there's no beer out here.

This is my cousin's house, you idiot.

How did you
even get in there?

Magic. No,
bedroom window was open.

Hi, Jenn.

What part of "stay away"
do you guys not understand?

The "stay away" part.
I just don't get it.

You're not
invited up here.

Despite whatever this
one may have told you.

Hey, come on, come on.

We parked the car
down the road

so you wouldn't hear us.

Besides,
we missed you guys.

Mary, I haven't had sex
in 36 hours.

You know,
when your foot's asleep?

My dick's asleep.

I've got to wake it up.

I have to
wake that dick up.

Wake that dick up. Baby. I will.

I can't even feel it. Mary, please.

Mary, please,
my dick's asleep.

Wasn't this weekend
for everybody?

Yeah, it was until
you fucked it all up.

No, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.

But, Mary, they just
drove all the way out here.

This is my house
and I make the rules.

It's fine, Mary.
They can stay.

Jenn! Thank you, Jenn!

Give it up for
Jenn everybody.

Right?

Jenn, do not let them
bully you into this.

No, really, maybe it will
force me to, you know,

face it head on
instead of running away.

You sure?

Oh my, goddammit,
she's sure. Come on.

Come on, we're all
adults here.

This doesn't have
to be awkward.

Gentlemen, I'll see
you in the bone zone.

Let's get drunk.

Whoo!

Ow!
Right.

Well, at least this can't
get any more awkward.

Oh, I feel like
a power ranger!

Oh! Oh, shit,
you are sweet!

You are way too
hot for me!

Oh, baby!
You know it!

This was helpful.

Thanks for stopping by.

Baby.

Don't call me that.

You've lost
your baby privileges.

But it's not as bad
as you think.

You've no idea
what I think.

Can we at least
talk about it?

Fine. Want to
talk about it?

Who is she? Do I know
this little whore?

What is that?
Seaweed?

It's you,
you asshole.

A friend of a friend
tagged you on Facebook

from Michelle's
party last weekend.

Who is she?

I know it looks bad.
I do.

I know.
But I was really drunk.

You know what, if you're
not gonna answer my questions

then we have nothing
else to talk about.

Just, come on...

Don't touch me.

You feel better?

Getting there.

Let me go.
I'll scream.

Join the club.

I missed you so much.

Oh.

Missed you too.

Ah.

That was worth
the drive up. For sure.

Again.
I'm only one man.

It takes an hour
to recharge.

Do you not
read magazines?

Oh. Oh.

Can you hand me
my glasses?

Yeah.

You Okay?

Yeah, why?

I don't know. You just
seem a little out of it.

Did you finish?

I guess I'm just worried
about Jenn, that's all.

So, that's a no.

Someone in there?

Buck, I swear to God,

I'm gonna stick that
bat up your...

Oh, my God,
you have to see them!

You guys...
What?

In the bathroom!

Calm down. What's wrong?
There's something in there.

Tell me what's wrong!

There's something,
I don't know, like...

Who the fuck is
crying on vacation day?

What's goin' on? What
did you do to her?

No, I didn't do anything.

Listen,

there's a beaver
in the bathroom.

That's really great news, haven't you
been looking for beavers since we got here?

No, no, there was
something wrong with it.

It was fucking
rabid or something.

Well, you know
what we should do?

We should capture it

and we'll raise it
as our own.

Jenn, you are
a really ugly crier.

Go look
in the fucking bathroom!

Jenn, I tell you what. This
is getting real ridiculous.

Let's go
to the fucking bathroom.

Okay, big daddy
Buck's got it.

Here, Jenn,
here, Jenn.

Oh, there is no way
I'm drunk enough for this.

You're drunk as any
one of the rest of us,

so fucking man up.

Yeah, just man up.

Just be careful.

Pussy. Bein' a pussy.

Jesus. Dude, really?
Fuckin' pussy.

Shut up.
Bein' a bitch.

Bein' a little
bitch about it.

Jenn, there's
nothing in here.

I swear.
It was right there.

Oh, my God, Jenn.

Is that one of
those bathrooms?

Oh, look at me,

I'm in a scary,
scary bathroom, Jenn.

Jenn, be honest.
Did you shit in here?

Oh, my God!

Kill it!

How the hell is that
thing still movin'?

That's gnarly.

Someone want to
get a garbage bag?

That was rabies?

Yeah, probably.

Then again
I've never seen

a real beaver before
up close so...

Yeah, me neither.

Well, maybe you should
try going down on me

once in a while, Buck.

That was not
a normal beaver.

I can tell you that much.

Yeah. Normal beavers have
pupils in their goddam eyes,

don't they'?

Fucking chicks,
come on.

The beaver obviously
had something.

Wait, I mean,
did it bite anyone?

Jenn, are you...
No.

Good. 'Cause I've heard that
rabies shots hurt like a bitch.

Yeah, not to mention the nearest
hospital is 30 miles away.

Maybe we should
just go home.

What?
Yeah, no. Jenn,

we drove four hours
to get here.

My foot's still asleep
from the ride up.

I don't care about
your foot, Buck.

You know, we're all just
upset and drunk and...

And horny.

And 6'3",
but that's just me.

Buck, shut the fuck up.
Okay, you're right.

I think that we should
just sleep on it.

Okay, well,
I'm sleeping with you then.

Yeah, sure, Jenn.
Whatever you want.

Guys, we could
die tomorrow, okay.

This could be
our last night.

This may sound crazy but
we need to have an orgy,

I'm not fucking around.
A safety orgy,

you know, stay together, like in
the old west with the caravans.

Okay, here we go.

Don't let the dog look.

Relax.
I'm not going to...

Oh, my God, Mary.
Look.

Yuck.

Some wild animal
came and took it.

See the footprints.

Come on.

I don't like this.
What?

Ah, Jenn, come on,

we're all the way out
in the middle of the woods.

We tossed something
on the porch

and something's glad
that we did it.

What are you thinkin'?

All I know is that thing
is dead, guys, come on.

Can we please go
swimming now?

Yeah, I second that.
Let's go.

You still want to
go in the water

after what happened
last night?

Last night was
in there, okay?

The water's way safer
than in the cabin.

Yeah, come on.
It's a beautiful day

and the lake's
right over here.

We haven't seen you
ladies in your bikinis yet.

Come on.

You know, we were
doing just fine

before you guys
showed up.

Jenn, that's not fair.

Yeah. Tommy did kill
that beaver for us.

Yeah. Sorry Sam
didn't kill anything

because that would be
the only beaver

he's getting this weekend.

Will you please stop
with the beaver jokes?

Why did the beaver
cross the road?

Whoo! Attagirl!

Come in, Misery!

Get your ass in the water

and join the rest
of the human beings!

Has it ever occurred
to any of you

that there might be
more beavers?

Has it ever
occurred to...

Beavers... Beavers...

So, you seen
the mysterious photo?

Of course I've seen it.

I've seen it over 300
times since Wednesday.

She has me analyzin'
every line and ever pixel,

trying to figure out
who it is you're on top of.

Well, I guess it's safe
to say that she, uh,

she doesn't know
that it was you.

Are you gonna
tell her?

I don't know.

Well, you know, if you just
tell her it was nothing,

she's gonna believe you.

Maybe.

But she'll hate me.

Tell that to my finger.

Are you crazy?

Don't be stupid, Jenn.

Get your ass
in the water right now.

Yeah. Come on.
Yeah, peer pressure, Jenn.

Come on.

Fine.

You know with all the
shit that's gone down,

we haven't talked.

Like you said,
it was nothin'.

Besides, I'm with Tommy.

And if you're really lucky,
you'll still be with Jenn.

You happy?

This is the happiest day
of my life, Jenn.

You're in the lake. I
don't know how it happened,

but it did.

Oh, my God.

What?

Something just swam
past my foot.

You are, like,
such a hypochondriac.

No, I swear to God,
you guys,

something just
fucking hit my foot.

Oh!

Oh, look,
Buck feels it too.

Wait.

You swallow some water? My foot!

Holy shit!

Oh, my God!

Get out of the water!

Oh, my God!

What the fuck?
Is that blood?

Get to the raft!
Get to the fucking raft!

Hurry!

Oh, fuck,
he got me too!

No.

Fuck!

That was another
fuckin' beaver!

More than one.

Beavers don't do this.

They don't just... They don't
just attack people like this.

Oh, my God.

We have to
tie this off right now.

What about this? No, no,
no, too small, too small.

Wait.

The dog's vest.

Yeah, yeah, perfect, perfect. Hurry!

Look!

Where's Jenn?

Jenn!

Shit.

Hold on, hold on,
hold on!

They're coming.

Shit.

Where did they go?

Shit!

They're underneath us!

No!

Be careful!

Hold on people.

We cannot stay here.

Yeah, no shit!

Hold on, hold on.

There's too many of them.

Oh, my God!

We have to swim for it.

We need a diversion.

What the fuck!

All right.
You know what?

Sorry buddy.
Surf's up!

Gosling!

Gosling!

No!

No!

We have to go,
go now!

Go, go.

Shit! Swim!

Go, go! Swim!

Oh my God! Ahhh!

This doesn't make any
goddamn sense.

This is the same one
from the bathroom.

Is he like on steroids
or something?

Mary, does it look like
a baseball player?

I don't know, Zoe.

I mean, how could it
still be alive?

It isn't.

What?

It isn't alive.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

All right, enough talk.

What are you doing?

This.
Oh, Jesus.

Any questions?

There's still
no dial tone.

What?
Did the beavers do it?

For all we know,
the dial tone

wasn't even on
to begin with.

You Okay?

Now, look, lam sorry,
about the dog.

About the dog?

It's my dog.

You killed my dog.

It's between us
and a... and a dog,

I'm going to pick us
every time.

If that makes me an
asshole, then so be it, man.

It does.

Asshole!

Oh, give me a break.
It's a dog.

Fuck you! I hate you.
I hate...

Get off of me, Mary!

Stop.
You stop!

You would take his side.

I'm not taking
anyone's side.

Oh, yeah?
Tell that to Jenn.

Mary, what is she
talking about?

That's right, Jenn.

The girl in the stupid
picture with Sam,

it's fucking Mary.

Thanks, Zoe.

She has a right to know. Everybody
else does for fuck's sake!

I didn't know.

Tommy.

Jenn,

I was going to tell you.

It doesn't matter.

We have bigger
problems now.

It's them, isn't it?

Oh, you think?
They're everywhere.

Make it stop.

It has to be some sort of
intimidation tactic or something.

Well, it's working.

Oh, my God!

Oh my God!

Son of a bitch!

Is this what you want?

You fucks!

They're just out there
waiting for us.

We've got to get Buck
to a hospital.

What about
the neighbor's place?

Yeah, we could use
their phone.

Oh, fuck that.

I'll go for the car.

Fuck that too.

You stay here
with the girls then.

I'll get Buck
to a hospital

and send back help.

Give me Buck's foot.

I'm going with you.

No, Zoe, you can't.

I have to.

Ew.

They could be out there.

They are out there,
but like you said,

we don't have a choice.

Buck is clearly not going to
make it through the night.

There's got to be
some other way.

Look. Beavers are
great swimmers

but they're not that fast
on land, okay?

Those things out there

they're not beavers.

I'm going to need
your car

'cause ours is
down the road a ways.

Give me the keys.

Tommy, you don't
have to do this.

Mary.

It's okay.

Give me the keys.

Tommy?

Come on.

Come on baby.

Get the door.

I don't see
anything. You?

My eyes are closed.

All right, let's go.
Come on.

Wait.

Hurry, hurry!

Get the door.

Hurry, you better get in!

Better hurry.

They're in.

Come on, come on.

It's a fucking hybrid.
You have to finesse it.

They made it.

Maybe we should've
just gone with them.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe we should
just leave.

Oh, no.

Will somebody help me?

God, you really are a pussy.
Move!

We've got to board up all
of these windows.

I'll do the heavy lifting.

You girls are
safe with me.

Did you hear something?

Did I hear what?

Banging? Hollering?

Oh, it's just those kids
scissoring each other to Lady Gaga.

Well, I know it's those kids.

Well, what do you want me to
do about it? Call the police?

Well, I heard
tires screeching.

You think we ought to go over
there and check up on them?

You never did know when to
mind your own business.

And you never did know
when to get up off your ass.

You really want me
to go over there

and check on a bunch
of college girls?

Because you know I might just
have to stay for their party.

Eww. Pig.

Buck?

How you doing there, man?

You hanging with us?

Oh, God.

It's okay, buddy.
Hey, hey, hey!

Stay with us,
stay with us, Buck.

Everything's gonna
be good, alright?

Oh!

Shit.

What the fuck?
Fuck!

Oh, no! Oh, fuck!
They did this!

Fuck!

Suck a bag of dicks!

Shit. Fuck!

There's no way around this.

Look!

Oh, shit. Shit, wait here,
I'm gonna go check it out.

Be careful!

Hello?

There's no one here.

What are you doing?

There's guns and one ax.

Are you gonna steal them?

Yeah, whatever,
we'll borrow 'em.

I promise,
I'll bring 'em right back.

Here. What the hell am I
supposed to do with this?

Just take it. Please. Should
we go back to the cabin?

No, just you guys.
What? Wait!

Go get some more guns,
load up the trunk

and get everybody
back to the cabin.

Please, get in the car
and turn it around.

Wait.
What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go ahead on foot
and get some help.

You're insane, Tommy. Zoe, please
just get in the car and hurry.

Zoe?

I'm sorry I never
ate your pussy.

I'm gonna go back and
eat all of it one day.

It's okay, baby. We're
gonna get out of here, okay?

It just smells so
bad down there.

Tommy? Tommy!

No!

No!

You!

Looks like you're hemmed in a
little bit. Let's take my truck.

We have to save
my boyfriend.

Well, come on. Let's get
him and get out of here.

Come on, sweetie!

Here, get in.

Damn beavers.

Ah!

I thought
I told you to cover up?

They sound like babies.

Yeah, crazy fucking babies.

Nails, nails, nails,
nails, nails.

Towards me.

No, duh.

Come out to the lake,
have a few laughs.

Dammit.

No!

What? What happened?

You do realize that the
whole point of a beaver

is that it fucking
chomps wood.

Oh, well, if you want me
to cover the whole house

with sheet metal,
just say the word.

This just in. If you are
receiving this broadcast,

barricade your doors and windows
and do not leave your home.

Unless you want the
deal of the century!

Come on down
to Ashland Toyota!

Damn radio.

Back in the '70s,
the beaver fever hit.

Scared up the
whole damn county.

Beaver fever?

Caused by the
Giardia parasite.

Beavers carry it.

Affects people too.

Affects them how?

Oh, diarrhea mostly.

What does it have to do
with what's going on here?

Any of you guys
got diarrhea?

No. Well, now that's good.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Whatever these
beavers got out here,

I ain't seen nothing
like it before.

Yeah, no kidding, mister.

Caught one in a trap,
early this morning,

only it weren't dead.

And trust me, it
shoulda been real dead.

They're leaving.

Why?

How the hell should I know?

Wait, listen.

It's a truck.

It's Zoe!
What?

And Buck!

How did they get
back so fast?

Maybe they brought help?

Or something went wrong.

There's someone else.
Wait, is it that hunter guy?

What hunter guy?

Do you see Tommy?

Grab the cane. Wait
for me, wait for me!

Shit, we need to get
the boards off the door.

Are you sure
that's a good idea?

Are you kidding? Get
over here and help us.

I don't know
if you know

but those things can
come back in here

and then we're all dead.

Fuck me.

Baby, come on.

Get there.

Open up!

The door's all boarded up.

Why? You know why the fuck why!

Well, hurry up.

You guys.
Hey, you guys.

Hey you guys,
you'd better turn around!

Filthy, hairy beavers.

Baby, come on.
Get up, get up, get up!

Run. Run!

Hurry! Come on, baby.

Sons of bitches.

- It's okay, baby.
- Come on.

Just a little bit further. Come on.

They're not gonna make it.
There's too many of 'em.

Come on baby, up, up, up! You got it!

They made it.

Come on, baby.

Tommy's okay, right?

Yeah. I'm sure he's
still out getting help.

Right. Cause there's no
reason to think otherwise.

Hello?

Maybe they're not home.

Yeah, that'd be
wishful thinking.

They couldn't be biting through the
phone lines on purpose, could they?

Can't say for certain.
Beavers like to chew on shit,

especially twigs, branches,

blades of grass and such.

I suppose wires
fit the bill as well.

The phone in the cabin.

It didn't work either.

Stay here.
I'll check upstairs.

When was the last time you
picked up an actual book?

In class.

You should really
try it some time.

"Beavers are herbivores. "

Great book.

Why don't you try
looking up zombie beavers?

"They live in family groups or colonies and
will defend their lodge against other beavers. "

Oh, oh, you think the beavers think
that they're, that we're other beavers?

The fuck?

"Keen senses of hearing,
smell and touch.

"They live up to 24 years. "

Just like us.

I mean, if we don't
make it out of here.

"They're monogamous. "

Not like us.

Jenn,

it was just,

it was just one
of those things.

So you're saying
it was a mistake?

Don't answer.

You just did.

Look.

Once the three of us are
far away from this cabin,

we can sit down like adults

and we can try to figure out
why you both find me attractive.

Jenn, you have every
reason to hate me.

Why him?

I don't know.

Listen,

we cannot turn against
each other right now.

That is exactly what
the beavers would want.

Let me see this.

"Animal behaviorists have found beavers
to be gentle, reasoning creatures

"that like to play
practical jokes.

"They are considered to be
excellent at building tunnels. "

I seriously need
to lie down.

Okay.

All clear upstairs.

Appears the beavers have left
the premises for the time being.

What about
the old lady?

Well, she's still in bed

what's left of her, anyway.

What you got there?

Sandwich?

No, it's Buck's foot.

We're keeping it on ice
so we could reattach it.

That's what we're supposed
to do, right? Keep it on ice?

Well, not directly on ice.
It kills the tissue.

Well, shit!
Well, what shall I do?

Shall I wrap it in a
towel or something?

Well, I suppose that depends
on when it came off.

I... I don't know. This afternoon,
maybe four or five hours ago.

Technically, I guess there's a chance
that they can sew that sucker back on.

We'd have to be at the
hospital within the hour

but that ain't
gonna happen.

Might as well just chuck the
damn thing and call it a day.

I'm sorry. Do you want some chicken?

There's plenty of it in
the fridge over there.

I don't want any chicken. We
need to go to the hospital now.

Well, you know
as well as I do

that road's blocked. We sure as
hell can't get through on foot

in pitch dark.

With or without
carrying the big fella.

Plus, beavers are generally
more active at night.

So I suggest maybe we hole
up here till the morning,

then one or two of us
can make a go at it.

He could bleed
to death overnight.

Yeah, well. I could
always cauterize the stump.

You sure you don't
want some chicken?

I'm not hungry.

Jenn?

You never cared that
Sam cheated, did you?

You only cared
that it was me.

Jenn, I know that we've
been through a lot but this

isn't going to
solve anything.

I love you, really, but

I... I just don't
think of you this way.

Come on. Come on,
let's go.

You've done this
before, right?

No, ma'am.

But I've seen it on
television many a time.

Ugh.
It's okay.

All right. What the fuck was that?

Buck!

Son of a bitch!

Buck! No!

Fuck.

No!

Oh no! Fuck!

What is she doing in
there? I don't know.

It's got to be some kind of
virus transmitted by the beavers.

Oh, no shit!

Did you hear her? Did
you fucking see her face?

Do you think that
we can help her?

I mean, do you think
it's permanent?

I don't know. She's gonna be on
medication for the rest of her life.

Hey, what are you doing? Are
you bit? Are you scratched?

I'm fine.
Take off your shirt.

Why? Just take your fucking shirt off.

Calm down.

You fucking bitch!

Fuck!

SAM; All right.

Come on, come on, come on!

They're fucking everywhere!

Oh, the truck!

The truck. It was still
running, last time I checked.

I'm not gonna
make a run for it.

Mary.
Take off your shirt.

Why? Take off your fucking shirt!

Satisfied?

Now take off the rest.

Zombie beavers running
around but what the fuck

do we care?

Turn around.

You done?
I guess so.

Your turn.

What's this?

Mary, I promise I'm gonna
get us out of here.

Don't talk.

I want to take my glasses off.
No, no. It's hot, it's hot.

Do you smell something?
What?

Smoke, smoke, I smell smoke.
Okay. I'll take care of it.

Oh God!

Oh. Fuck me.

Get in!

Where's Jenn? They're
all dead. Just go!

We're getting
the fuck out of here.

Oh, shit, Zoe!

Get down!

Zoe, look out!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, I think we woke
the neighbors.

GO! Go!
I'm trying.

Go! Go! Go!

Fucking go!

I mean, really?

Is this truck fucking
covered in honey?

I never liked
that bitch anyway.

Why are we stopping?

It's okay, Mary.

The trees are down ahead and
we've got to continue on foot.

Come on.

What?

It's nothing.
Just keep going.

We're gonna have to
go behind the car.

We have to go
around it.

Come on. You're okay now,
Mary. We're gonna make it.

It's gonna be okay.

We just need to
go a little further.

Mary, what are you doing?

Where did you get that?

The glove compartment.

You got bit and we both know that you're
gonna turn into one of those things.

No, we don't know that.
Yes, we do!

Mary, I feel totally fine,
I swear.

What, is it this?

I jumped through
a fucking window!

I ran through the woods. They
crushed my foot, I did not get bit!

You shut up! Do not come
any closer! I mean it.

You at least have to
wait until I turn,

or else you'll
be a murderer.

Mary! Mary, no!

Hey, you see that girl?

Yeah, I see her.

I trust you.

CREW MEMBER 11 B-mark.
CREW MEMBER 23 Okay.

Beaver fever?

Yeah.

Caused by the Giardia
parasite. Beavers carry it.

Caused by the...

Fuck.

Cause by the
Giardia parasite.

It's very fucking
serious shit.

Let's roll it again.
Sorry, Jordan.

We're over there and it's
Saving Private, Private's Ryan.

Jenn we're up
there sucking...

And fucking. And
fucking, fucking, okay?

And...

We almost had it.

We're in there sucking
and yes... And fucking.

Trucking. Keep going.
I got nothing.

We're gonna go to Arby's
and get some apple turnovers.

Copy that. Over.

I got a hand job at
an Arby's one time.

Oh, yeah?

Or did I give one?

Oh, no, the hand.

Action.

That's gnarly.

Gnar-ley.

Gnarl-ley.

Gnarly.

Nar-gully!

Nar-gully?

The dog's
supposed to be scared of them.

I had a job for a minute as
one of those sign spinners.

Like, like one of
those sandwich places?

Yeah. But I had plugged it in,

I put some Christmas
lights in it,

tried to get paid extra,
strangled my penis.

Strangled your penis?
How does that happen?

You can strangle
your penis.

Were you doing that
flip behind your back

and it came up
around your taint?

My penis was in a, was
in a rear, naked choke.

Well, what kind of workman's
comp do you get for that?

You just get fired.

Can someone pull
my glasses down?

Yep.
Well, not you.

Okay.
Do you like the moan?

Or do you like the...

- Both.
- I'll do the moan, you do the

My mom never loved me,
my mom never loved me.

Why are you with me?
Why are you with me?

What do you see in me?
I don't know.

That's great.

Ready, action.

Well, that is fucked up.

Cut.

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

You hear your
sweetheart scream

She tells you why

You don't believe her

She saw one in the
bathroom, it's no lie

It's a Zombeaver

Contaminated by toxic goo

A random genetic mistake

They're semi-aquatic

They're hungry for you

Boys and girls stay
away from the lake

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

A cheerful gang
of college students

Think they're on vacation

Instead they're dodging beaver
chompers and facing their damnation

Don't board up the doorways
and windows, my friend

It won't do any good

These furry, brown bastards
are fully equipped

And they'll chew right
through the wood

Say goodbye to
your golden retriever

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

So brace yourself, you've never
witnessed rodents quite like these

Oh, Jesus Christ,
you can't escape

They blocked
the road with trees

Check your bodies for scratches,
you can't be too careful

Their claws are a
cause for concern

Yes, once you're infected, it's only
a matter of time before you turn into

Zombeavers

Spoiler alert.

Zombeavers

Look out they're coming
through the walls

Your girlfriend's
chewing off your balls

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers, baby