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The word "deviant"comes
from the Latin roots...
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00:00:55,530 --> 00:00:57,293
de, meaning "from"...
3
00:00:57,365 --> 00:00:59,731
and via, "the road."
4
00:00:59,801 --> 00:01:02,292
One who wanders
from the road or gets lost.
5
00:01:02,370 --> 00:01:04,429
One who separates from the crowd.
6
00:01:05,139 --> 00:01:09,132
Of course nowadays it refers to someone
whose sexual practices are abnormal.
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00:01:10,912 --> 00:01:14,507
This is the story
of Stuart, Alex and me...
8
00:01:14,582 --> 00:01:17,915
and how, for a while,
we became deviants...
9
00:01:17,986 --> 00:01:19,977
in both senses of the word.
10
00:02:40,435 --> 00:02:44,166
Don't do it!
It's a trap! Run away!
11
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,207
It's been said that anyone
who wants to live in a dormitory...
12
00:02:53,281 --> 00:02:56,250
must either be a mental defective
or a freshman.
13
00:02:56,317 --> 00:02:58,842
I was neither.
I was a junior transfer student...
14
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,582
and I thought living in a dorm
couldn't be that bad.
15
00:03:02,657 --> 00:03:05,490
I've never been quite that wrong
before or since.
16
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,154
- Hi.
- Hi. Eddy Howe.
17
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:10,823
I think I'm supposed
to sign something.
18
00:03:10,898 --> 00:03:12,763
Yeah, here you go.
19
00:03:14,035 --> 00:03:16,026
- Here.
- Thank you.
20
00:03:18,873 --> 00:03:22,639
- Here's your key, and there you go.
- Where do I go?
21
00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:24,234
- Upstairs.
- Thank you.
22
00:03:24,312 --> 00:03:26,109
You're welcome.
23
00:03:27,949 --> 00:03:30,349
- Fresh meat.
- I saw him first.
24
00:03:53,341 --> 00:03:55,104
Who are you?
25
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:59,108
I guess I'm your new roommate Eddy.
26
00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:03,378
I thought they were gonna let me
keep the twin as a single.
27
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:04,713
Fuck!
28
00:04:09,090 --> 00:04:11,422
It's nice to meet you too.
29
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,866
What I quickly realized
about Stuart...
30
00:04:20,935 --> 00:04:23,665
was that he lacked that part
of the brain which would stop him...
31
00:04:23,738 --> 00:04:26,571
from saying things that might be
offensive to other people.
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00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:34,881
I also realized that we couldn't
have been less suited as roommates.
33
00:04:39,620 --> 00:04:43,317
- Fore!
- But we managed to get along.
34
00:04:44,759 --> 00:04:48,251
In fact, there developed a bizarre
equanimity in the relationship.
35
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,921
A balance.
36
00:04:49,997 --> 00:04:53,228
I showed Stuart how to make his bed
with hospital corners...
37
00:04:53,301 --> 00:04:55,826
Lick the salt, drink the drink,
suck the lime. One, two, three.
38
00:04:55,903 --> 00:04:58,633
And in return
Stuart taught me how to drink.
39
00:05:04,779 --> 00:05:07,475
I wrote Stuart's
English papers for him...
40
00:05:10,952 --> 00:05:12,783
and he bought me dinner.
41
00:05:13,454 --> 00:05:15,547
I cleaned the bathroom...
42
00:05:16,324 --> 00:05:18,485
and he took care of the laundry.
43
00:05:20,061 --> 00:05:22,894
Sometimes he borrowed
things of mine...
44
00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:26,189
and sometimes I borrowed
things back.
45
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:29,395
You think it's real funny, don't you?
How's this? Ready?
46
00:05:30,071 --> 00:05:32,539
Stuart would be quiet
so that I could study...
47
00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:41,375
and I gave him time alone
to socialize with friends.
48
00:05:46,654 --> 00:05:49,145
This delicate equilibrium
in the relationship...
49
00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:51,453
was soon upset by an arrival.
50
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:55,321
The other room in the suite,
a single, had remained empty...
51
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:57,193
until one day.
52
00:05:58,499 --> 00:06:00,899
Whoever he is,
he isn't very friendly.
53
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,002
But we soon met.
54
00:06:03,070 --> 00:06:06,005
Stuart, did you go to class or just
stay in bed and masturbate all day?
55
00:06:11,012 --> 00:06:13,037
You know, I've been...
56
00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,311
Would you please get outta here?
57
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:36,168
It's a coed dorm.
What's the problem?
58
00:06:36,237 --> 00:06:39,798
It's coed within the building.
It's not within the rooms.
59
00:06:40,474 --> 00:06:41,702
So?
60
00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:45,474
So the polite thing for you to do
is go down to the housing office...
61
00:06:45,546 --> 00:06:48,913
tell them there's been a mistake, and
they need to get you boys new rooms.
62
00:06:48,983 --> 00:06:51,781
No, we were here first.
Besides, it's your fault.
63
00:06:51,852 --> 00:06:54,514
Why didn't you use Alexandria
or whatever your full name is?
64
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,681
Alex is my full name.
65
00:06:56,757 --> 00:06:59,487
- It sounds like a man's name to me.
- I think it's lovely.
66
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,991
Wow, she's amazing.
67
00:07:07,668 --> 00:07:09,363
Truly amazing.
68
00:07:10,037 --> 00:07:14,872
Amazing grace
69
00:07:15,543 --> 00:07:17,875
It's not Grace. It's Alex.
70
00:07:18,546 --> 00:07:22,983
Amazing Alex
71
00:07:24,018 --> 00:07:26,077
"Hendrickson, Alex. Male."
72
00:07:26,754 --> 00:07:29,154
I'm a female. Trust me.
73
00:07:29,223 --> 00:07:31,783
According to our files,
you're male.
74
00:07:35,463 --> 00:07:37,021
Okay...
75
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,267
let's just suppose for a second...
76
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:43,132
that I'm a female.
77
00:07:43,204 --> 00:07:44,865
What would happen then?
78
00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:47,874
I'd have to put you
on the transfer waiting list...
79
00:07:47,942 --> 00:07:50,137
and your name would probably
come up in eight to twelve weeks.
80
00:07:51,612 --> 00:07:53,807
There's a severe housing shortage
in the area.
81
00:07:53,881 --> 00:07:57,442
- Would you consider living off-campus?
- I can't afford it.
82
00:07:57,518 --> 00:07:59,713
I can put you on the transfer
waiting list...
83
00:07:59,787 --> 00:08:02,654
but I'll need official verification
that you are indeed a female.
84
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:06,986
Next.
85
00:08:07,061 --> 00:08:10,519
It's only temporary.
I mean, till I can find something.
86
00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:14,866
I just... I'm not asking anyone
to do anything silly...
87
00:08:14,935 --> 00:08:17,130
like put down the toilet seat.
88
00:08:17,204 --> 00:08:20,901
I'm just asking that when you're done
voiding your bowels, you flush.
89
00:08:21,609 --> 00:08:23,634
After we're done
"whating" our "what"?
90
00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:26,805
She means flush after you take
one of those big dumps, moron.
91
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,281
Is that what you mean?
92
00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:31,750
That's a shame.
I'm so proud of those.
93
00:08:31,819 --> 00:08:35,118
You know, in some countries,
the size of a man's crap...
94
00:08:35,189 --> 00:08:37,851
is a sign of his masculinity.
95
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,865
She avoided us.
96
00:08:44,932 --> 00:08:46,923
What was it
that kept her away?
97
00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:15,922
I just love the smell
of her dirty panties.
98
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:27,897
For some unknown reason,
Stuart was confident she'd come around.
99
00:09:27,975 --> 00:09:29,909
I need to talk to you.
100
00:09:30,578 --> 00:09:31,909
Yes, Alex?
101
00:09:31,979 --> 00:09:34,675
If you don't stop
eating my yogurt...
102
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,943
I know it was you...
103
00:09:37,017 --> 00:09:40,180
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
104
00:09:42,690 --> 00:09:45,215
You make murder sound
so sexual, Alex.
105
00:10:18,092 --> 00:10:20,287
Get that crap to go.
I wanna work on her.
106
00:10:21,362 --> 00:10:23,626
She doesn't like you, all right?
When's it gonna penetrate?
107
00:10:23,697 --> 00:10:25,995
As soon as you go away, maybe.
108
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:29,729
Now wrap it up and get it
to go quickly. Go now.
109
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,794
Eat shit now.
110
00:10:33,541 --> 00:10:36,339
- One, two, three.
- Don't do that.
111
00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:39,641
- Go. Get out of here.
- You're a neanderthal. You know that?
112
00:10:39,713 --> 00:10:42,204
- I know that.
- No, you're really growing.
113
00:10:42,283 --> 00:10:44,274
You're growing as a person.
That's important.
114
00:10:44,351 --> 00:10:46,376
- You should show Alex that.
- Will you get outta here?
115
00:10:46,453 --> 00:10:48,444
No, I have to order
another slice of pizza.
116
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:51,491
I think there's a danger
in our being overfriendly.
117
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,961
How can we be overfriendly
if we aren't even friendly?
118
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,964
He's got a point.
119
00:11:06,740 --> 00:11:09,106
That's a great book.
You're gonna love it.
120
00:11:09,176 --> 00:11:11,007
I've read it four times.
121
00:11:11,745 --> 00:11:17,342
You know, I've often felt like
the main character, Holden Caulfield.
122
00:11:18,586 --> 00:11:21,180
No, you're not Holden Caulfield.
123
00:11:21,255 --> 00:11:23,416
He's Stradlater,
the obnoxious roommate.
124
00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:26,118
The one that thinks he's a stud and
borrows Holden's coat without asking...
125
00:11:26,193 --> 00:11:29,458
and stretches it out
and doesn't apologize.
126
00:11:29,530 --> 00:11:31,259
It's a good book.
127
00:11:32,266 --> 00:11:34,427
I always felt like
the little sister.
128
00:11:34,501 --> 00:11:36,799
- Phoebe?
- Yeah.
129
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:39,270
Have you read Franny and Zooey
or Nine Stories?
130
00:11:39,340 --> 00:11:41,831
Yeah. They're not as good, though.
131
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:45,174
You know, one time my mom...
She actually metJ D Salinger.
132
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,147
- Really?
- She threw up on his front lawn.
133
00:11:48,215 --> 00:11:49,273
Really?
134
00:11:49,350 --> 00:11:53,343
Yeah, she was on vacation
in Maine with her best friend...
135
00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:56,014
and they met these two sailors
who were in port for the night.
136
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,422
They got really drunk
and these sailors took them out.
137
00:11:58,492 --> 00:12:01,984
Before long, Alex and I were
wrapped in conversation...
138
00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,698
and Stuart was not.
139
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:08,428
Look, I wasn't trying to horn in
on your situation, okay?
140
00:12:08,502 --> 00:12:10,493
I'm not interested in her anyway.
141
00:12:11,505 --> 00:12:14,133
Whatever.
I don't want to talk about it.
142
00:12:19,313 --> 00:12:20,905
Sorry.
143
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,117
Gimme your toothbrush.
144
00:12:28,188 --> 00:12:31,988
- Why?
- Give me your toothbrush.
145
00:12:34,995 --> 00:12:38,829
- I don't want to.
- Gimme the goddamn toothbrush!
146
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:46,162
I would not have spilled
my father's blood...
147
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,767
or listened to those
who called me my mother's wife.
148
00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:52,175
And now I am God-shunned...
149
00:12:52,246 --> 00:12:55,044
the daughter of a mother defiled...
150
00:12:55,115 --> 00:12:58,209
and I have taken my turn
in my mother's bed.
151
00:12:58,285 --> 00:13:01,345
If there is any tragedy
greater than all others...
152
00:13:02,456 --> 00:13:04,390
it belongs to me.
153
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,721
Pretty awful, huh?
154
00:13:08,796 --> 00:13:11,060
I just don't understand
why anybody would do...
155
00:13:11,131 --> 00:13:13,224
a lesbian version of Oedipus Rex.
156
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,200
I thought it was good.
157
00:13:15,869 --> 00:13:19,669
- You did?
- Yeah. I really liked it.
158
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,901
Stuart, you don't have to worry
about hurting my feelings.
159
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:25,410
I know it was a piece of crap.
160
00:13:25,479 --> 00:13:28,346
I thought you were good.
I thought everybody was really good.
161
00:13:28,415 --> 00:13:30,940
- I liked it.
- What'd you think?
162
00:13:32,386 --> 00:13:34,684
The translation was bad.
163
00:13:34,755 --> 00:13:36,518
Direction was nonexistent.
164
00:13:36,590 --> 00:13:40,287
Somebody should call the acting police
on a couple of those actresses.
165
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,693
Costumes looked like
a bad night at Caesar's Palace.
166
00:13:42,763 --> 00:13:44,754
Other than that,
I thought it was great.
167
00:13:44,832 --> 00:13:47,699
You were wonderful.
You made the best out of your part.
168
00:13:48,469 --> 00:13:50,369
I agree with all that.
169
00:13:50,437 --> 00:13:52,496
I think you guys are being
too hard on it.
170
00:13:54,241 --> 00:13:58,007
You're a business major. This is art.
The work is what's important here.
171
00:13:58,078 --> 00:14:00,638
It's better to be honest
than to be nice, okay?
172
00:14:01,582 --> 00:14:03,709
Fuck me for being nice.
173
00:14:07,821 --> 00:14:11,257
- Wait, Stuart.
- Just let him go.
174
00:14:11,325 --> 00:14:13,316
It's better just the two of us.
175
00:14:17,698 --> 00:14:18,966
A toast to bigger and better things.
176
00:14:18,966 --> 00:14:20,934
A toast to bigger and better things.
177
00:14:30,144 --> 00:14:32,374
Professionally or personally?
178
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:36,281
I was speaking professionally...
179
00:14:36,350 --> 00:14:41,310
but as the big dude says, a man is happy
when he has both work and love.
180
00:14:41,388 --> 00:14:42,252
The big dude?
181
00:14:42,322 --> 00:14:46,486
Yeah, unfashionable
though he may be, Freud.
182
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,690
I love Freud,
unfashionable though he may be.
183
00:14:52,866 --> 00:14:55,164
- I should go.
- No.
184
00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:57,897
Come on. Just sit down for one second.
You mind if I change?
185
00:14:57,971 --> 00:14:59,438
No.
186
00:15:01,308 --> 00:15:04,243
I just really want everything
to be perfect for this moment.
187
00:15:04,912 --> 00:15:06,345
Are we having a moment?
188
00:15:07,181 --> 00:15:08,842
How about this?
189
00:15:08,916 --> 00:15:10,907
That's perfect.
190
00:15:10,984 --> 00:15:11,973
This?
191
00:15:12,052 --> 00:15:14,043
Great.
They're both excellent choices.
192
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:15,713
I hate them.
193
00:15:23,697 --> 00:15:26,325
It's kinda pointless.
Don't you think?
194
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,763
What is?
195
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,128
Putting on clothes.
196
00:15:34,508 --> 00:15:37,033
When I just want to take 'em off.
197
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,842
Well, some people say it's pointless
to make your bed every morning...
198
00:15:41,915 --> 00:15:43,906
just 'cause you're gonna
unmake it every night...
199
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,282
but I still think
it's nice to make your bed.
200
00:15:46,353 --> 00:15:50,619
- My bed's made.
- Yeah. You did a really good job too.
201
00:15:52,726 --> 00:15:55,490
- I'm gonna kiss you now.
- I should...
202
00:15:58,765 --> 00:16:01,029
- What are you doing?
- Guess.
203
00:16:01,101 --> 00:16:03,695
- Let's talk about this first.
- Let's not.
204
00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:06,937
- Am I hurting you?
- No. Could you get off me now?
205
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:10,033
- You want me to get you off?
- No, l...
206
00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:12,169
What are you doing?
207
00:16:14,648 --> 00:16:17,913
- You smell good.
- Alex, l...
208
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,486
Alex, I don't know.
209
00:16:23,557 --> 00:16:27,425
- I don't know if this...
- I think you're at a loss for words.
210
00:16:35,435 --> 00:16:37,699
Eddy, come back!
211
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:41,204
- Then what did you do?
- I didn't know what to do, all right?
212
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:43,800
She kissed me,
and it snowballed into this insanity.
213
00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:46,072
You didn't get anything?
You didn't look down her dress?
214
00:16:46,146 --> 00:16:50,105
- Cop a little feel? Goose her? Nothing?
- No. I told her to stop touching me.
215
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:52,674
- Why didn't you just fuck her?
- Yeah, right.
216
00:16:52,753 --> 00:16:55,916
The girl was on her knees,
undoing your fly with her teeth.
217
00:16:55,989 --> 00:16:59,049
She's in the perfect position
to at least get a blow job.
218
00:17:01,128 --> 00:17:04,962
- You wouldn't understand.
- You're right. I wouldn't understand.
219
00:17:05,032 --> 00:17:07,899
The girl wants you to fuck her,
you fuck her.
220
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:10,368
Unless you're doing
the asexual thing.
221
00:17:11,271 --> 00:17:14,798
- The what?
- It's a classic.
222
00:17:14,875 --> 00:17:17,366
What are you talking about?
223
00:17:17,444 --> 00:17:20,106
You act like you're a fag,
the two of you become good friends...
224
00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:22,740
you start to share clothes,
she starts to confide in you...
225
00:17:22,816 --> 00:17:25,182
and then, "boom,"
you go for her tits.
226
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,743
It's brilliant,
if you can pull it off.
227
00:17:28,755 --> 00:17:30,689
Yeah, maybe that's what I'm doing.
228
00:17:53,647 --> 00:17:55,171
Hi.
229
00:18:08,428 --> 00:18:10,794
I think there's something
you should know.
230
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:19,905
I find libraries very erotic.
231
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:25,844
The smell of old books.
232
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:29,741
The silence.
233
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,422
The long aisles.
234
00:18:39,926 --> 00:18:42,451
To be lost in the stacks.
235
00:18:45,399 --> 00:18:48,095
That's very interesting.
236
00:18:51,138 --> 00:18:53,936
- What are you reading?
- Hawthorne.
237
00:18:57,644 --> 00:19:01,808
- Will you read to me?
- Alex, I've got to study for this.
238
00:19:01,882 --> 00:19:04,715
Please, please, please.
239
00:19:10,824 --> 00:19:13,315
"Soon there emerged
from under a sculpted portal...
240
00:19:13,393 --> 00:19:15,327
the figure of a young girl...
241
00:19:15,395 --> 00:19:18,887
arrayed with as much richness of taste
as the most splendid of the flowers.
242
00:19:18,965 --> 00:19:20,956
Beautiful as the...
243
00:19:22,169 --> 00:19:23,796
day...
244
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:27,738
and with a bloom
so deep and vivid that...
245
00:19:27,808 --> 00:19:29,275
Oh, my!
246
00:19:30,610 --> 00:19:33,306
One shade more
would have been too much.
247
00:19:35,816 --> 00:19:38,011
She looked redundant with life,
health and energy...
248
00:19:38,085 --> 00:19:41,521
all of which attributes were bound
down and compressed, as it were...
249
00:19:41,588 --> 00:19:44,648
and girdled tensely
in their luxuriance...
250
00:19:45,325 --> 00:19:47,088
by her virgin zone."
251
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,026
Are you all right?
252
00:19:57,170 --> 00:19:58,501
Golly...
253
00:19:59,339 --> 00:20:01,307
I love big words.
254
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,175
Right there?
255
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:09,238
She came right there?
256
00:20:09,316 --> 00:20:11,807
I think so. I don't know.
Don't tell her I told you, all right?
257
00:20:11,885 --> 00:20:14,854
What do you think I am,
some kind of a sleazebag?
258
00:20:14,921 --> 00:20:16,445
Then what happened?
259
00:20:17,524 --> 00:20:19,822
- Nothing. I was reading.
- What were you reading?
260
00:20:19,893 --> 00:20:22,521
Hawthorne.
Nathaniel Hawthorne.
261
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,860
Moby Dick.
That's good.
262
00:20:24,931 --> 00:20:26,899
That's Herman Melville.
263
00:20:26,967 --> 00:20:28,696
Whatever.
264
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:29,793
So?
265
00:20:29,870 --> 00:20:34,034
So, Eddy, this is a major discovery.
266
00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:37,304
This girl... She is a live wire
of sexual energy.
267
00:20:37,377 --> 00:20:39,368
You're telling me.
268
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:41,311
Doesn't that excite you?
269
00:20:41,381 --> 00:20:44,475
I mean, don't you want to just
take this girl and, like...
270
00:20:44,551 --> 00:20:47,645
grab her and just fuck her?
271
00:20:49,990 --> 00:20:50,979
Maybe.
272
00:20:51,057 --> 00:20:52,957
There's no maybes about it.
273
00:20:53,026 --> 00:20:55,859
The next time you're in that situation,
you slide her off that table...
274
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:57,920
and you pull up her skirt.
275
00:20:57,998 --> 00:20:59,966
Rip her panties off
with your teeth.
276
00:21:00,033 --> 00:21:03,332
With your teeth. That's good.
And then take your fingers... No.
277
00:21:03,403 --> 00:21:07,100
At that moment, I was indeed
becoming sexually excited...
278
00:21:07,174 --> 00:21:09,836
but not over Alex.
279
00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:12,879
Then all of a sudden you just
shove it right in.
280
00:21:12,946 --> 00:21:15,346
As Stuart went on and on,
I realized finally...
281
00:21:16,116 --> 00:21:18,050
that it was he I lusted after.
282
00:21:18,118 --> 00:21:21,485
Right when you're about to come,
just squeeze it at the end and...
283
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:32,890
You know what I mean?
284
00:21:32,966 --> 00:21:34,331
Yeah.
285
00:21:37,404 --> 00:21:40,237
Stuart went on to say he had never
felt as strongly for any girl...
286
00:21:40,307 --> 00:21:43,799
as he did for Alex, and since
I was indifferent, he had to have her.
287
00:21:43,877 --> 00:21:45,868
He would stop at nothing.
288
00:21:46,546 --> 00:21:48,480
Even if it meant being...
289
00:21:49,649 --> 00:21:51,378
an intellectual.
290
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,753
What are you doing here?
291
00:21:55,889 --> 00:21:57,220
Reading.
292
00:21:57,290 --> 00:22:00,088
Stuart, have you ever set foot
in this library before?
293
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,991
In any library, for that matter?
294
00:22:04,297 --> 00:22:08,563
Well, last time I checked,
the purpose for college...
295
00:22:08,635 --> 00:22:10,796
was educational advancement.
296
00:22:11,638 --> 00:22:13,833
Eddy told you what happened
yesterday, didn't he?
297
00:22:15,475 --> 00:22:17,466
What are you talking about?
298
00:22:19,079 --> 00:22:21,138
It's not gonna happen.
299
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:24,615
It's nothing personal.
There's just no magic.
300
00:22:25,752 --> 00:22:28,243
So just cool it, okay?
301
00:22:50,810 --> 00:22:53,005
You don't need magic.
302
00:22:53,079 --> 00:22:55,172
Really? What do I need?
303
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,741
What you need...
304
00:23:00,787 --> 00:23:02,516
is a long...
305
00:23:03,623 --> 00:23:05,147
hard...
306
00:23:06,459 --> 00:23:08,927
phantasmagoric...
307
00:23:11,164 --> 00:23:12,927
fuck.
308
00:23:14,701 --> 00:23:17,534
- I don't like you, Stuart.
- That's okay.
309
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:24,342
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
310
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:31,315
You know, you really shouldn't
deprive the body of what it needs.
311
00:23:38,892 --> 00:23:41,326
"Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov...
312
00:23:41,394 --> 00:23:45,023
was the third son
of Fyodor Pavlovitch Karamazov..."
313
00:23:45,098 --> 00:23:47,089
What are you doing?
314
00:23:49,569 --> 00:23:51,469
Dostoevsky.
315
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,806
You try too hard.
316
00:23:55,875 --> 00:23:58,343
That's your whole problem.
317
00:23:58,411 --> 00:24:00,504
You were just about ready
to tap into something...
318
00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:02,445
completely savage and emotional...
319
00:24:02,515 --> 00:24:04,779
and you ruin it by trying to be
something you're not.
320
00:24:06,186 --> 00:24:07,881
I'm sorry.
321
00:24:10,123 --> 00:24:13,456
You're not an intellectual.
Accept it.
322
00:24:14,361 --> 00:24:18,127
I accept it.
Now can we try this again? Please?
323
00:24:18,198 --> 00:24:19,790
No!
324
00:24:22,402 --> 00:24:23,733
Shit.
325
00:24:29,609 --> 00:24:31,907
- I've been looking for you.
- You have?
326
00:24:31,978 --> 00:24:34,310
- We need to talk.
- We do?
327
00:24:34,381 --> 00:24:36,781
- Why are you backing away from me?
- I'm not backing away from you.
328
00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:38,977
I'm just walking backwards
while you're walking forwards.
329
00:24:39,052 --> 00:24:42,419
I forgive you for telling Stuart
about what happened in the library.
330
00:24:43,089 --> 00:24:45,216
I apologize for my exuberance.
331
00:24:45,291 --> 00:24:47,521
I don't apologize
for my exuberance!
332
00:24:47,594 --> 00:24:50,961
I revel in it! And I wanna know
what the story is with you!
333
00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:53,465
Why are you so standoffish with me?
334
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:56,093
Why won't you kiss me?
Why?
335
00:24:56,169 --> 00:24:59,969
- Look, you see, it's...
- What?
336
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,508
- Never mind.
- What?
337
00:25:02,575 --> 00:25:05,100
- I can't tell you!
- Tell me.
338
00:25:18,525 --> 00:25:20,584
I'm sexually ambivalent.
339
00:25:25,231 --> 00:25:29,258
Ambivalent about sex in general,
or ambivalent about sex with me?
340
00:25:33,506 --> 00:25:35,804
Ambivalent about sex with girls.
341
00:25:48,555 --> 00:25:50,455
You don't like girls.
342
00:25:51,524 --> 00:25:54,516
I like them.
I just don't wanna have sex with them.
343
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:02,196
You know...
344
00:26:05,572 --> 00:26:07,335
I suspected it.
345
00:26:07,407 --> 00:26:08,738
You did?
346
00:26:09,409 --> 00:26:10,876
Oh, yeah.
347
00:26:19,652 --> 00:26:21,643
Come on.
Let's go get a drink.
348
00:26:27,660 --> 00:26:29,992
How many men have you been with?
349
00:26:30,063 --> 00:26:32,759
- Alex, come on.
- Just tell me.
350
00:26:36,936 --> 00:26:38,665
All right.
351
00:26:38,738 --> 00:26:40,797
The truth is...
352
00:26:40,874 --> 00:26:43,638
except for a few
botched attempts with girls...
353
00:26:45,044 --> 00:26:46,602
I'm a...
354
00:26:48,882 --> 00:26:50,474
You know.
355
00:26:51,885 --> 00:26:55,048
Oh, God.
I haven't slept with anyone.
356
00:26:55,121 --> 00:26:58,613
- You haven't been with a man yet?
- No, not with anyone.
357
00:26:58,691 --> 00:27:00,852
Then you're not gay!
358
00:27:00,927 --> 00:27:02,952
You're a blank slate!
359
00:27:03,029 --> 00:27:06,590
I'll mold you into a heterosexual
with my bare hands.
360
00:27:06,666 --> 00:27:10,158
Drama major.
Okay, fine. Just do me a favor.
361
00:27:10,236 --> 00:27:13,069
Don't tell Stuart, all right?
362
00:27:13,139 --> 00:27:15,004
- Sure.
- You promise?
363
00:27:15,074 --> 00:27:16,302
Yeah.
364
00:27:24,217 --> 00:27:26,515
What are you doing?
365
00:27:26,586 --> 00:27:28,281
Nothing.
366
00:27:51,978 --> 00:27:53,912
Were you just looking
at my butt?
367
00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:56,512
No.
368
00:27:56,583 --> 00:27:58,915
You weren't just looking
at my butt?
369
00:28:02,121 --> 00:28:04,112
Don't know
what you're talking about.
370
00:28:16,836 --> 00:28:19,202
Eddy, I've been thinking
about something.
371
00:28:19,272 --> 00:28:20,671
That's good.
372
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:23,834
I think you were checking out
my butt the other day.
373
00:28:25,178 --> 00:28:26,509
I was not.
374
00:28:26,579 --> 00:28:28,604
I think you were.
375
00:28:30,283 --> 00:28:32,444
I don't care what you think.
376
00:28:33,519 --> 00:28:35,146
Are you a homo?
377
00:28:35,822 --> 00:28:37,483
Fuck off.
378
00:28:38,458 --> 00:28:41,120
It's okay if you are.
Doesn't bother me.
379
00:28:41,194 --> 00:28:44,630
I'm secure enough in my own sexuality
to not feel threatened by it.
380
00:28:45,798 --> 00:28:48,767
I have a very hip attitude
about this sort of thing.
381
00:28:48,835 --> 00:28:51,633
My mom had a lot of gay friends.
382
00:28:51,704 --> 00:28:55,162
You know, it's not a good time to be
a sexually promiscuous homo.
383
00:28:58,478 --> 00:29:00,241
You ever butt-fucked anybody?
384
00:29:00,313 --> 00:29:01,644
Jesus!
385
00:29:01,714 --> 00:29:03,579
No? You ever been butt-fucked?
386
00:29:03,650 --> 00:29:06,141
Please, Stuart. Please shut up.
All right?
387
00:29:06,219 --> 00:29:09,586
I'm not gonna finish writing
this paper for you unless you shut up.
388
00:29:11,658 --> 00:29:14,422
Look, I don't have anything
against homos.
389
00:29:14,494 --> 00:29:17,224
I mean, you are what you are, right?
390
00:29:17,897 --> 00:29:20,127
And it's okay
if you look at my butt.
391
00:29:20,199 --> 00:29:22,599
It's a nice butt.
I know that.
392
00:29:22,669 --> 00:29:24,432
Will you stop saying
the word "butt"?
393
00:29:24,504 --> 00:29:26,699
- But...
- That's it.
394
00:29:29,842 --> 00:29:33,107
Hey, Eddy, this paper's due tomorrow.
What am I gonna do?
395
00:29:44,957 --> 00:29:47,221
Guess what?
396
00:29:47,293 --> 00:29:48,726
What?
397
00:29:48,795 --> 00:29:53,289
- Eddy is a proud home owner.
- A what?
398
00:29:54,467 --> 00:29:57,698
A homeboy.
Homo erectus.
399
00:29:57,770 --> 00:30:00,398
- A fag.
- I didn't say that.
400
00:30:00,473 --> 00:30:02,065
You didn't deny it.
401
00:30:02,141 --> 00:30:03,699
I don't believe it.
402
00:30:04,377 --> 00:30:05,969
You can't say "fag."
403
00:30:06,045 --> 00:30:08,036
It's like when one black guy
calls another "nigger."
404
00:30:08,114 --> 00:30:09,638
You can't say it
unless you are one.
405
00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:12,777
You just said "nigger,"
and you're not a black guy.
406
00:30:12,852 --> 00:30:14,877
It's okay, though,
'cause I'm a fag.
407
00:30:14,954 --> 00:30:16,979
You see?
What'd I tell you?
408
00:30:17,056 --> 00:30:20,492
- Stop saying that word.
- He is what he is.
409
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:22,619
He doesn't know what he is.
He's confused.
410
00:30:23,129 --> 00:30:25,063
He's not confused about my butt.
411
00:30:30,603 --> 00:30:32,434
Do you like boys or girls?
412
00:30:33,639 --> 00:30:35,698
The truth is,
sometimes both are attractive.
413
00:30:35,775 --> 00:30:38,175
- Of course they are.
- But if you think it through...
414
00:30:38,244 --> 00:30:41,077
gay sex, by definition,
is better than straight sex.
415
00:30:41,147 --> 00:30:43,377
Get the fuck outta here.
416
00:30:43,449 --> 00:30:45,940
- No, I have a theory.
- I would love to hear this.
417
00:30:46,018 --> 00:30:49,249
Well, as I see it,
it all has to do with equipment...
418
00:30:49,322 --> 00:30:51,916
and the correct use
of that equipment.
419
00:30:51,991 --> 00:30:54,482
Now, if you have male genitalia,
as I do...
420
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,393
and you're sleeping with someone
who also has male genitalia...
421
00:30:57,463 --> 00:31:00,023
then you have firsthand knowledge
of how their equipment works.
422
00:31:00,099 --> 00:31:02,067
You know where
the pressure-sensitive points are.
423
00:31:02,135 --> 00:31:03,659
You know what buttons to push.
424
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:06,569
On the other hand, if you're a man
having sex with a woman or vice versa...
425
00:31:06,639 --> 00:31:09,130
then you really never know
how they feel.
426
00:31:09,208 --> 00:31:12,507
You don't know if they really feel great
or if they're just faking it.
427
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:15,838
Wow.
428
00:31:16,983 --> 00:31:18,951
No. No.
429
00:31:19,018 --> 00:31:22,249
Straight sex is better than gay sex.
It's written in the Bible.
430
00:31:22,321 --> 00:31:24,721
Is that in the King James
or the New World edition?
431
00:31:25,391 --> 00:31:27,359
Look, I just know. Okay?
432
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:29,895
How do you know, Stuart?
I mean, have you compared the two?
433
00:31:29,962 --> 00:31:31,020
Have you?
434
00:31:31,798 --> 00:31:33,663
Surely you admit
that lesbian sex...
435
00:31:33,733 --> 00:31:35,701
is more satisfying to women
than hetero sex, right?
436
00:31:35,768 --> 00:31:37,565
I mean, that's an established fact.
437
00:31:37,637 --> 00:31:39,798
Everybody knows that.
438
00:31:40,473 --> 00:31:42,304
I've grown tired.
439
00:31:43,776 --> 00:31:47,507
Look, no matter what happens,
somebody's gonna get screwed.
440
00:31:48,481 --> 00:31:50,506
Who's gonna get screwed?
441
00:31:50,583 --> 00:31:52,574
I think you guys know
what I'm talking about.
442
00:31:52,652 --> 00:31:55,086
I think it's destructive
and dangerous.
443
00:31:57,256 --> 00:31:58,985
What is?
444
00:31:59,058 --> 00:32:00,923
Don't act stupid.
445
00:32:00,993 --> 00:32:02,824
He's not acting, Alex.
446
00:32:02,895 --> 00:32:05,022
Okay, look.
447
00:32:05,097 --> 00:32:07,827
You have the hots for me,
I have the hots for him...
448
00:32:07,900 --> 00:32:10,892
and sooner or later,
he's gonna have the hots for you.
449
00:32:10,970 --> 00:32:13,268
Sounds pretty hot to me.
450
00:32:26,118 --> 00:32:27,915
Let's make a vow.
451
00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:29,716
Sacred vow.
452
00:32:29,789 --> 00:32:32,087
The three of us
are gonna be friends, and that's it.
453
00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:35,457
I mean, aren't you guys tired
of this whole sex thing?
454
00:32:35,528 --> 00:32:38,520
How can I be tired of this whole
sex thing if I haven't had any sex?
455
00:32:40,366 --> 00:32:43,267
Well, then, have sex with someone
outside our little circle.
456
00:32:44,370 --> 00:32:48,704
Sex with strangers.
That sounds wise.
457
00:32:50,109 --> 00:32:51,940
Forget about that.
458
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:56,076
But as far as the three of us go,
let's just be friends.
459
00:32:56,148 --> 00:32:57,775
No sex.
460
00:32:58,451 --> 00:32:59,816
Yes, Stuart?
461
00:33:00,486 --> 00:33:02,420
Do blow jobs count as sex?
462
00:33:02,488 --> 00:33:05,150
I'm not gonna blow you, man,
and that's final.
463
00:33:09,695 --> 00:33:11,356
Come on!
464
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:22,566
Okay?
465
00:33:25,845 --> 00:33:26,903
Okay.
466
00:33:28,814 --> 00:33:31,510
Sacred vows are all
very well and good...
467
00:33:31,584 --> 00:33:36,283
but only moments later I felt Alex
eyeing my rear end on the way home.
468
00:33:36,355 --> 00:33:39,153
And as we said good night,
Stuart allowed his gaze to linger...
469
00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:42,160
on the gently sloping nape
of Alex's neck.
470
00:33:43,262 --> 00:33:45,696
And I stayed up
for reasons of my own.
471
00:33:47,900 --> 00:33:49,868
But the sacred vow was observed...
472
00:33:49,936 --> 00:33:52,302
at least on the surface...
and we became friends.
473
00:33:52,371 --> 00:33:53,599
Hey, Stuart!
474
00:33:53,673 --> 00:33:55,664
Watch out for the balloons!
475
00:33:55,741 --> 00:33:57,265
I'm gonna kill you!
476
00:34:05,284 --> 00:34:06,876
I'm sorry.
477
00:34:07,553 --> 00:34:09,384
Alex, I'm in here.
Can you please wait?
478
00:34:09,455 --> 00:34:11,446
How about, "Alex, you look so nice"?
479
00:34:11,524 --> 00:34:15,324
Stuart, let's go.
Get outta here!
480
00:34:15,394 --> 00:34:17,487
Get outta here.
481
00:34:17,563 --> 00:34:19,895
- Alex, come on. Get out.
- Don't fucking push me!
482
00:34:19,966 --> 00:34:22,457
I swear I'll hit you. I'm violent.
I'll hit you with it.
483
00:34:23,135 --> 00:34:25,069
It's not funny!
484
00:35:40,079 --> 00:35:43,276
The oddity of our happy little enclave
is lost on no one.
485
00:35:44,950 --> 00:35:46,975
Especially not the lobby lizards.
486
00:35:47,653 --> 00:35:50,178
All I wanna know
is who's doing who.
487
00:35:50,256 --> 00:35:52,520
I heard that Eddy and Stu
are taking turns with her.
488
00:35:52,591 --> 00:35:55,754
I think the guys are gay,
and she's their fag hag.
489
00:35:55,828 --> 00:35:58,422
She's not a fag hag.
You're a fag hag.
490
00:35:58,497 --> 00:36:00,795
- I am not.
- Leave her alone, Stuart.
491
00:36:00,866 --> 00:36:02,925
Leave me alone!
492
00:36:03,002 --> 00:36:06,563
I don't like you.
Stop it.
493
00:36:10,743 --> 00:36:13,405
You're hurting me!
Would you knock it off?
494
00:36:13,479 --> 00:36:16,141
I bruise easily. I have 5,000
gazillion-jillion bruises from you.
495
00:36:16,215 --> 00:36:18,683
- Where did he hurt you? Let me see.
- Look at that.
496
00:36:18,751 --> 00:36:21,345
- Right there? Is that where it hurts?
- Don't you get like that.
497
00:36:21,420 --> 00:36:24,184
Oh, my God.
It's total S&M.
498
00:36:34,834 --> 00:36:37,302
Hi.
How are the three musketeers?
499
00:36:37,369 --> 00:36:40,497
Just one big happy family.
500
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,165
It sounds pretty kinky.
501
00:36:42,908 --> 00:36:45,240
Incest is best.
502
00:36:48,514 --> 00:36:51,210
Right there. Right there.
503
00:36:52,351 --> 00:36:54,842
Unbelievable.
504
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,356
One night, when Alex had the nerve
to go to a party without us...
505
00:36:58,424 --> 00:37:00,722
Stuart and I fell asleep
in her room.
506
00:37:00,793 --> 00:37:04,593
A foul and mysterious odor having
driven us out of our own quarters.
507
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:16,370
What are you doing in here?
508
00:37:17,476 --> 00:37:20,206
Our room has
a foul and mysterious odor.
509
00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:23,043
Why don't you clean it?
You used to be a clean person. Let's go.
510
00:37:23,115 --> 00:37:25,481
That was before
I moved in with him.
511
00:37:25,551 --> 00:37:28,486
I used to make hospital corners.
Now I don't even wash my sheets.
512
00:37:29,555 --> 00:37:32,649
- Who are you?
- That's Larry. This is Eddy and Stuart.
513
00:37:32,725 --> 00:37:33,851
Hi.
514
00:37:35,661 --> 00:37:37,891
What's his name? "Scary?"
515
00:37:37,963 --> 00:37:39,760
I think he said "Larry."
516
00:37:41,801 --> 00:37:43,701
- Get out!
- "Larry?"
517
00:37:44,370 --> 00:37:46,031
Yes, "Larry."
518
00:37:47,306 --> 00:37:48,933
Come on. Let's go. Get out.
519
00:37:49,008 --> 00:37:51,738
Stop kicking at me.
Get out.
520
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,987
- Are you hungry?
- No, thank you.
521
00:38:10,162 --> 00:38:12,687
- I'm sorry.
- No problem.
522
00:38:16,202 --> 00:38:20,195
We should've expected it.
No oaths of exclusivity had been taken.
523
00:38:20,272 --> 00:38:21,933
Quite the opposite.
524
00:38:22,007 --> 00:38:25,408
But, nonetheless, we felt supplanted
by Larry and betrayed by Alex.
525
00:38:26,178 --> 00:38:28,669
The sanctuary
had been trespassed upon.
526
00:38:53,072 --> 00:38:55,404
You're a very special girl.
527
00:38:56,475 --> 00:38:59,672
I think I'd like to get
to know you a lot better.
528
00:39:00,746 --> 00:39:02,839
What are your dreams?
529
00:39:02,915 --> 00:39:05,179
Who is Alex?
530
00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:09,854
Gosh, let's not talk.
531
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,385
You're right.
532
00:39:16,462 --> 00:39:20,421
Let's communicate via
the international language of love.
533
00:39:26,705 --> 00:39:29,230
Twenty. Shit.
534
00:39:35,281 --> 00:39:38,011
- You hungry?
- Am I ever not hungry?
535
00:39:40,019 --> 00:39:41,350
Pizza?
536
00:39:42,988 --> 00:39:44,615
Sounds good.
537
00:39:45,424 --> 00:39:46,914
Okay.
538
00:39:51,597 --> 00:39:55,124
- You think Alex is hungry?
- Let's not forget about Scary Larry.
539
00:40:03,342 --> 00:40:06,800
- Hi. You hungry?
- I hope you burn in hell!
540
00:40:12,418 --> 00:40:15,319
I don't think she's hungry.
I think she's mad.
541
00:40:15,387 --> 00:40:16,877
No, you're mistaken.
542
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,981
You need to call her back up
and make sure you didn't...
543
00:40:19,058 --> 00:40:20,719
ruffle her feathers unnecessarily.
544
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:23,091
What a good idea.
545
00:40:26,598 --> 00:40:29,260
Hi. It's me again.
Look, I was curious.
546
00:40:29,335 --> 00:40:33,567
Are you angry with me because I called,
or because you're just not hungry?
547
00:40:34,707 --> 00:40:36,197
Hello?
548
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:40,240
She hung up.
549
00:40:42,448 --> 00:40:45,713
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Are you that jealous?
550
00:40:45,784 --> 00:40:49,345
My dear, we're just worried about
a young man that comes a-courtin'.
551
00:40:49,421 --> 00:40:51,082
Is he a Christian?
552
00:40:51,156 --> 00:40:53,454
- Leave me alone.
- Wait.
553
00:40:53,525 --> 00:40:55,686
- What?
- One more question.
554
00:40:56,562 --> 00:40:58,291
It's about his hair.
555
00:40:58,364 --> 00:41:00,195
Is it fiberglass or steel?
556
00:41:01,867 --> 00:41:03,801
We think that Larry...
557
00:41:04,870 --> 00:41:07,031
is very scary.
558
00:41:07,106 --> 00:41:10,371
- And hairy.
- Very hairy.
559
00:41:10,442 --> 00:41:12,103
So be wary...
560
00:41:12,177 --> 00:41:16,546
of very scary hairy Larry.
561
00:41:16,615 --> 00:41:18,810
- Exactly. Yeah.
- Be wary.
562
00:41:21,620 --> 00:41:22,609
Stop!
563
00:41:25,724 --> 00:41:27,385
Stop that!
564
00:41:46,845 --> 00:41:48,312
No!
565
00:42:08,634 --> 00:42:10,431
What's up, bro?
566
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:17,770
- Guys, it's 3:00 in the morning.
- Shut up!
567
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,243
By the following morning,
we had forgotten about Scary Larry.
568
00:42:24,316 --> 00:42:28,582
I think I found the source
of your foul, mysterious odor.
569
00:42:40,032 --> 00:42:43,695
My sausage and pepperoni
with extra cheese and double anchovy.
570
00:42:44,770 --> 00:42:46,761
I been looking for this.
571
00:43:00,953 --> 00:43:03,012
We never heard from Larry
ever again...
572
00:43:03,088 --> 00:43:04,851
but not two weeks later...
573
00:43:04,923 --> 00:43:07,824
Stuart told us about a slice of hair pie
he'd been trying to get a bite of.
574
00:43:07,893 --> 00:43:10,191
Hip to the lingo,
we knew this meant he'd met a girl...
575
00:43:10,262 --> 00:43:12,253
and was trying
to get her into bed.
576
00:43:16,301 --> 00:43:18,701
How come you never say anything?
577
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:24,871
I'm shy.
578
00:43:30,349 --> 00:43:31,941
How come...
579
00:43:33,685 --> 00:43:36,654
How come you never introduce me
to any of your friends?
580
00:43:40,025 --> 00:43:42,186
You want to meet my friends?
581
00:43:44,663 --> 00:43:46,597
So the nuns says to the mechanic...
582
00:43:46,665 --> 00:43:50,624
"No, but if you give me a lube job,
I'll throw you some Hail Marys."
583
00:43:54,273 --> 00:43:56,673
I went to Catholic school...
584
00:43:56,742 --> 00:43:58,937
and all my teachers were nuns.
585
00:44:00,746 --> 00:44:03,476
- I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- No, l...
586
00:44:04,316 --> 00:44:06,443
You didn't, like,
offend me or anything...
587
00:44:07,519 --> 00:44:11,250
but I remember something
that happened with the nuns once.
588
00:44:13,792 --> 00:44:17,228
Well, we took
this field trip once...
589
00:44:17,296 --> 00:44:21,858
and we were on this school bus
that was, like, really old.
590
00:44:21,934 --> 00:44:24,960
So all of a sudden
it just broke down...
591
00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:29,497
and we all got out,
and we waited...
592
00:44:29,575 --> 00:44:33,011
and some of us
started wandering off.
593
00:44:33,078 --> 00:44:35,069
And we came to this path...
594
00:44:35,147 --> 00:44:39,049
that led to this huge,
like, meadow...
595
00:44:39,117 --> 00:44:41,847
that was really pretty.
596
00:44:47,793 --> 00:44:49,658
Then what happened?
597
00:44:52,130 --> 00:44:55,122
Well, it was just
a really pretty meadow.
598
00:44:59,905 --> 00:45:01,566
That's neat.
599
00:45:05,010 --> 00:45:06,807
Will you excuse me?
600
00:45:06,878 --> 00:45:09,642
I have to go use
the ladies room.
601
00:45:14,686 --> 00:45:16,278
She's so sweet.
602
00:45:16,355 --> 00:45:18,289
Will you kick this
into my forehead, please?
603
00:45:18,357 --> 00:45:19,984
Shut up, all right?
604
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:23,455
I like being around her.
When I'm around her I feel intellectual.
605
00:45:23,528 --> 00:45:25,189
All things being relative.
606
00:45:25,264 --> 00:45:27,095
Besides that she's got
a really great set of titties.
607
00:45:27,165 --> 00:45:30,225
- No, she doesn't.
- She does. I told her the other night.
608
00:45:30,302 --> 00:45:33,601
- I said, "You have great tits."
- And good, like, grammar, like, too.
609
00:45:33,672 --> 00:45:35,731
Like, great storytelling.
610
00:45:35,807 --> 00:45:39,004
- She's so sweet.
- She's so sweet.
611
00:45:40,812 --> 00:45:42,803
I was out to dinner with her
the other night...
612
00:45:42,881 --> 00:45:45,349
and I asked her
if she liked Scorsese...
613
00:45:45,417 --> 00:45:48,716
and she said,
"Well, I'm really not that hungry."
614
00:45:52,691 --> 00:45:55,421
We were efficient
at eliminating outsiders.
615
00:45:55,494 --> 00:45:58,429
It seemed the whole world had been
divided into two categories...
616
00:45:58,497 --> 00:46:01,330
those who got the joke,
and those who didn't.
617
00:46:03,402 --> 00:46:05,870
We were the only ones
who got the joke.
618
00:46:05,937 --> 00:46:07,700
I like her.
619
00:46:11,410 --> 00:46:13,503
I think I was
especially stricken.
620
00:46:13,578 --> 00:46:15,569
I thought that if Stuart and Alex
could have been...
621
00:46:15,647 --> 00:46:18,172
genetically merged
into one person...
622
00:46:18,250 --> 00:46:20,275
he or she would have been
the love of my life.
623
00:46:20,352 --> 00:46:21,341
I think not.
624
00:46:22,321 --> 00:46:25,290
I promise you'll enjoy yourself.
Just slowly down...
625
00:46:25,357 --> 00:46:27,587
- Just for a second.
- I don't want to!
626
00:46:29,895 --> 00:46:32,193
Please, just for a second.
627
00:46:32,264 --> 00:46:34,129
Right there.
628
00:46:38,170 --> 00:46:40,661
Okay. All right, stop.
Okay. I understand.
629
00:46:40,739 --> 00:46:44,436
Okay. That's enough. Stop it.
Let go!
630
00:46:52,317 --> 00:46:55,809
Come on, now. This is very serious.
Who else can we think of?
631
00:46:55,887 --> 00:46:58,515
Instead, I had to contend
with their matchmaking notions.
632
00:46:58,590 --> 00:47:01,423
I got it. What about that teacher
of yours in your film class?
633
00:47:01,493 --> 00:47:03,791
You said he was
giving you the evil eye, right?
634
00:47:03,862 --> 00:47:06,262
Stuart, he's 47 years old.
635
00:47:06,331 --> 00:47:07,958
So?
636
00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:11,127
So I don't need to be fixed up,
all right? Let's just drop this.
637
00:47:11,203 --> 00:47:13,728
Yes, you do.
The question is with who.
638
00:47:13,805 --> 00:47:15,432
"With whom."
639
00:47:16,274 --> 00:47:18,834
I still think it's a job
for a young woman.
640
00:47:18,910 --> 00:47:20,810
He doesn't need pussy.
641
00:47:20,879 --> 00:47:24,246
He needs dick.
Big, hard dick.
642
00:47:25,050 --> 00:47:26,642
Good-bye.
643
00:47:26,718 --> 00:47:30,415
If you're so hot on the idea,
why don't you have sex with him?
644
00:47:31,757 --> 00:47:33,588
Taste of semen makes me gag.
645
00:47:34,993 --> 00:47:37,587
How would you know?
Whose semen were you eating?
646
00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:40,024
My own.
647
00:47:50,175 --> 00:47:52,166
So I see you got "leid," Edward.
648
00:47:54,379 --> 00:47:55,846
What?
649
00:48:00,318 --> 00:48:01,910
Right. Yeah.
650
00:48:02,954 --> 00:48:05,923
That's a good one, Richard.
651
00:48:11,730 --> 00:48:14,062
Front desk dick.
652
00:48:18,069 --> 00:48:19,502
What's up?
653
00:48:19,571 --> 00:48:21,266
Come in, Eddy.
654
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:26,968
I want you
to say hello to Richard.
655
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:30,805
- "Hello to Richard."
- Hello, Edward.
656
00:48:33,351 --> 00:48:35,182
Will you excuse me?
657
00:48:37,889 --> 00:48:39,686
See ya later.
658
00:48:52,771 --> 00:48:54,762
This is really awkward for me.
659
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:56,273
What is?
660
00:48:56,341 --> 00:49:01,836
Well, when Alex told me what you said,
I was sort of taken aback at first...
661
00:49:01,913 --> 00:49:05,144
but then I realized...
662
00:49:05,217 --> 00:49:08,812
that I have always
felt similarly toward you.
663
00:49:08,887 --> 00:49:11,048
What exactly did she say?
664
00:49:12,157 --> 00:49:14,955
Well, you know,
that you like me...
665
00:49:15,660 --> 00:49:18,220
but that you were too shy
to say anything.
666
00:49:18,296 --> 00:49:22,756
It's funny, you know. I have always
been attracted to shy people.
667
00:49:25,036 --> 00:49:28,164
Maybe it's because
I'm pretty shy myself.
668
00:49:34,913 --> 00:49:36,972
You seem really nervous.
669
00:49:39,284 --> 00:49:41,752
Maybe this is a mistake.
670
00:49:41,820 --> 00:49:44,414
- No, I'm rushing things. Aren't I?
- No, but...
671
00:49:44,489 --> 00:49:47,014
Look, I've thought you were cute
since you moved in, and l...
672
00:49:47,092 --> 00:49:48,457
Really?
673
00:49:52,097 --> 00:49:54,531
Maybe this'll help you relax.
674
00:49:57,469 --> 00:49:59,460
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's my fault.
675
00:50:02,807 --> 00:50:04,297
Damn it!
676
00:50:13,818 --> 00:50:15,809
Wait a minute!
Where you going?
677
00:50:17,355 --> 00:50:20,347
Listen to me.
I know what I'm talking about.
678
00:50:20,425 --> 00:50:22,325
If you don't get sex pretty soon...
679
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:27,127
what'll happen is your dick will just
get smaller and smaller and smaller...
680
00:50:27,198 --> 00:50:29,962
until eventually it'll just shrivel up,
go up inside your body...
681
00:50:30,035 --> 00:50:31,764
and then what do you have?
682
00:50:31,836 --> 00:50:33,827
- A vagina.
- Shut up.
683
00:50:35,740 --> 00:50:37,298
We're sorry.
684
00:50:38,376 --> 00:50:42,813
We'll never meddle in your sex life,
or lack thereof, ever again.
685
00:50:42,881 --> 00:50:45,111
What'd he do,
try to grab your nuts?
686
00:50:45,183 --> 00:50:46,707
No.
687
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:50,751
He tried to kiss me.
688
00:50:53,158 --> 00:50:55,683
I could see his nose hairs.
689
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:58,092
His breath was really bad too.
690
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:02,533
Smelled like kitty litter.
691
00:51:10,108 --> 00:51:12,269
It did. I swear to God.
692
00:52:43,568 --> 00:52:45,502
Here it is.
693
00:52:48,573 --> 00:52:52,168
It's great. Too bad we didn't
bring bathing suits, huh?
694
00:52:52,243 --> 00:52:54,108
Don't be an old fart.
695
00:53:25,210 --> 00:53:27,269
Feels good.
696
00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:37,054
Come on in!
697
00:53:38,223 --> 00:53:40,282
Hurry up!
698
00:53:56,708 --> 00:53:58,369
Come on!
699
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,707
- No.
- Come on, Eddy.
700
00:54:00,779 --> 00:54:04,909
No. It's cold.
It's very cold out here. I'm freezing.
701
00:54:04,983 --> 00:54:07,884
- How come you're sweating?
- It's cold sweat.
702
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:11,713
Please?
703
00:54:16,094 --> 00:54:17,755
Come on!
704
00:54:21,866 --> 00:54:23,800
No one's looking.
705
00:54:28,339 --> 00:54:30,807
Come on.
It feels good on your balls.
706
00:54:30,875 --> 00:54:32,934
That's nice, Stuart.
That's very nice.
707
00:54:43,354 --> 00:54:46,187
Look, the moon's showing.
708
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:50,751
It's really cold!
709
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:52,956
I'm grabbing the rock.
I'm gonna drown.
710
00:56:03,001 --> 00:56:04,992
I want everyone to stay
with their fun buddy.
711
00:56:05,069 --> 00:56:07,401
Nobody leaves
their fun buddy, okay?
712
00:56:07,472 --> 00:56:09,133
Hey, look!
713
00:56:09,941 --> 00:56:11,704
Oh, no.
714
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:17,374
Let's go.
Terry, Mary, let's go.
715
00:56:19,350 --> 00:56:20,817
This way.
716
00:56:22,553 --> 00:56:24,953
Alex said that the priest
symbolized God...
717
00:56:25,023 --> 00:56:27,048
the children, lost innocence...
718
00:56:27,125 --> 00:56:30,151
and the three of us,
a postmodern Eve with two Adams...
719
00:56:30,228 --> 00:56:32,162
banished from the sacred garden...
720
00:56:32,230 --> 00:56:35,063
to wander in the wilderness for eternity
because we had sinned.
721
00:56:35,133 --> 00:56:38,967
We had acknowledged our own nakedness
and partaken of the forbidden fruit.
722
00:56:42,273 --> 00:56:46,972
Though it amounted to only a kiss...
a touch... it changed everything.
723
00:56:48,980 --> 00:56:51,949
Pandora's proverbial box
had been opened...
724
00:56:52,016 --> 00:56:54,109
but, more interestingly...
725
00:56:54,185 --> 00:56:57,382
I'm not sure any of us
wanted it closed again.
726
00:57:06,431 --> 00:57:07,989
Want some pizza?
727
00:57:09,067 --> 00:57:12,935
No. I'm fat.
728
00:57:14,272 --> 00:57:16,604
Alex, you're not fat.
You're skinny.
729
00:57:20,078 --> 00:57:21,978
I'm so fat.
730
00:57:26,451 --> 00:57:29,113
You know,
I've been giving it some thought.
731
00:57:30,188 --> 00:57:32,156
I think you are fat.
732
00:57:36,995 --> 00:57:39,225
Don't toy with my emotions.
733
00:57:45,003 --> 00:57:47,164
Come here.
734
00:57:47,238 --> 00:57:49,103
Comfort me.
735
00:57:49,173 --> 00:57:51,198
I've been so depressed.
736
00:57:51,275 --> 00:57:52,902
Me too.
737
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:57,337
We don't hang out
like we used to.
738
00:58:01,185 --> 00:58:03,176
Let's comfort each other.
739
00:58:04,188 --> 00:58:06,247
Put your head on my breast.
740
00:58:10,194 --> 00:58:12,185
Is this a sex thing?
741
00:58:13,765 --> 00:58:17,428
Will you just be human for once?
Put your arms around me.
742
00:58:17,502 --> 00:58:19,163
And relax.
743
00:58:25,777 --> 00:58:27,677
What are you doing, Alex?
744
00:58:27,745 --> 00:58:30,612
I'm lovingly stroking your hair.
745
00:58:46,230 --> 00:58:49,165
You can't stand to be
alone with me, can you?
746
00:58:50,902 --> 00:58:53,666
You always want to have
Stuart along for the ride.
747
00:58:58,843 --> 00:59:02,370
- It's true, isn't it?
- Yeah, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
748
00:59:05,016 --> 00:59:07,177
You're afraid of women.
749
00:59:07,251 --> 00:59:08,912
You hate women.
750
00:59:08,986 --> 00:59:10,851
Why do you hate women?
751
00:59:10,922 --> 00:59:12,184
Just stop it.
752
00:59:13,257 --> 00:59:15,248
Stop it, all right?
I don't hate women.
753
00:59:15,326 --> 00:59:17,988
I don't understand why we can't just
sit here without touching each other.
754
00:59:18,062 --> 00:59:19,654
What's wrong with touching?
755
00:59:19,730 --> 00:59:22,164
You don't try to touch
Stuart all the time, do you?
756
00:59:22,233 --> 00:59:24,861
The only reason you touch me is because
you know I don't like to be touched.
757
00:59:24,936 --> 00:59:25,868
What?
758
00:59:25,937 --> 00:59:29,031
The only reason you're attracted to me
is you know I'm not attracted back.
759
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:31,200
- That's not true!
- It is true.
760
00:59:31,275 --> 00:59:33,539
You're looking
for a self-destructive situation.
761
00:59:33,611 --> 00:59:35,841
You are a rejection junky,
plain and simple.
762
00:59:35,913 --> 00:59:39,576
What about you? You're the one who's
always drooling all over your roommate!
763
00:59:39,650 --> 00:59:42,881
- Talk about self-destructive!
- I don't drool over him!
764
00:59:42,954 --> 00:59:44,945
Liar!
You know what your problem is?
765
00:59:45,022 --> 00:59:47,889
You're secretly attracted to women,
and you're afraid to admit it!
766
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:49,756
You're a closet heterosexual!
767
00:59:50,495 --> 00:59:52,326
- I am not.
- Are too.
768
00:59:55,466 --> 00:59:58,594
- Bitch.
- Heterosexual!
769
01:00:01,239 --> 01:00:03,104
Haagen Dazs and brewskies.
770
01:00:03,174 --> 01:00:05,472
Come on, man, we can
make beer floats again.
771
01:00:18,689 --> 01:00:21,283
What the hell was
going on in here?
772
01:00:21,359 --> 01:00:22,849
I hate him!
773
01:00:22,927 --> 01:00:24,758
I do too. So what?
774
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:28,890
Oh, I'm so sick of this shit!
775
01:00:28,966 --> 01:00:31,992
I'm so sick of it!
It's not normal!
776
01:00:32,069 --> 01:00:36,267
It's not normal,
the three of us living together!
777
01:00:36,340 --> 01:00:41,403
I'm sick of falling in love with guys
who don't give a fuck about me!
778
01:00:41,479 --> 01:00:44,505
I'm not normal!
I need help!
779
01:00:44,582 --> 01:00:47,346
I need medication!
780
01:00:47,418 --> 01:00:50,353
I need money!
Oh, God!
781
01:00:51,455 --> 01:00:55,050
I need a facial!
I need to go on a diet!
782
01:00:55,126 --> 01:00:57,492
I need new shoes!
783
01:01:00,131 --> 01:01:03,828
Oh, God!
Just do something.
784
01:01:26,991 --> 01:01:28,925
Wait, wait, wait!
785
01:01:34,298 --> 01:01:35,959
Here, put it on.
786
01:01:37,401 --> 01:01:39,369
Okay. Okay.
787
01:02:13,838 --> 01:02:15,772
Don't tell Eddy.
788
01:02:31,889 --> 01:02:34,084
It's me. Are you asleep?
789
01:02:35,926 --> 01:02:38,724
Just want to say I'm sorry.
790
01:02:38,796 --> 01:02:39,728
It's okay.
791
01:02:39,797 --> 01:02:41,788
I shouldn't have said any of it.
792
01:02:44,669 --> 01:02:46,603
I'm glad you called.
793
01:02:48,105 --> 01:02:50,630
I was dreaming about you.
794
01:02:52,243 --> 01:02:54,177
You were my mailman.
795
01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:59,846
And you wore those
cute little mailman shorts.
796
01:03:02,353 --> 01:03:05,880
Kept delivering me things
from the Home Shopping Network.
797
01:03:05,956 --> 01:03:09,517
Yeah, yeah. We'll have to
analyze that someday.
798
01:03:13,030 --> 01:03:14,292
Where are you?
799
01:03:14,365 --> 01:03:17,061
I'm just waiting for
my French Cinema class to start.
800
01:03:19,503 --> 01:03:21,698
I was just thinking
about women and men.
801
01:03:22,873 --> 01:03:24,340
Oh, yeah?
802
01:03:26,477 --> 01:03:29,071
I think you were right
about me being afraid of women.
803
01:03:31,115 --> 01:03:34,983
All men are afraid of women because
they're inherently better creatures.
804
01:03:36,921 --> 01:03:39,947
They can bear children,
they can nurse them.
805
01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:44,085
They have an infinitely higher capacity
to be compassionate.
806
01:03:44,161 --> 01:03:47,221
It's like they're
a different species.
807
01:03:47,298 --> 01:03:50,392
You were just sitting there
thinking about this?
808
01:03:50,468 --> 01:03:52,163
Yeah. It's dumb, I know.
809
01:03:55,106 --> 01:03:57,165
No, it's not.
810
01:03:57,241 --> 01:04:01,678
I feel like I understand women more.
They're more inclusive and open.
811
01:04:01,746 --> 01:04:04,647
With men, there's always a feeling
that everything's a competition.
812
01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:05,875
They're so guarded.
813
01:04:05,950 --> 01:04:07,383
Defensive.
814
01:04:10,554 --> 01:04:13,489
Well, I just never feel
competitive with you.
815
01:04:14,558 --> 01:04:15,718
I feel collaborative.
816
01:04:17,094 --> 01:04:18,686
That's the wrong word.
817
01:04:21,065 --> 01:04:22,157
Symbiotic.
818
01:04:22,233 --> 01:04:26,101
Symbiotic.
That's a good word.
819
01:04:26,170 --> 01:04:28,263
That's a really good word.
820
01:04:29,206 --> 01:04:31,538
Listen.
I gotta get to my class.
821
01:04:31,609 --> 01:04:34,737
Wait, Eddy.
Before you go...
822
01:04:34,812 --> 01:04:38,873
will you say some other words,
some really, really big words?
823
01:04:41,852 --> 01:04:43,911
Symbiotic.
824
01:04:43,988 --> 01:04:47,515
Symbiosis.
825
01:04:47,591 --> 01:04:49,183
Profligate.
826
01:04:50,628 --> 01:04:53,620
Sepulchre.
827
01:04:53,697 --> 01:04:56,029
Prevaricate.
Oh, wait, wait.
828
01:04:56,100 --> 01:04:59,194
I got a good one,
I got a good one. Concupiscence.
829
01:04:59,270 --> 01:05:01,363
Concupiscence?
830
01:05:01,439 --> 01:05:04,806
That's a good one!
That's a really good one!
831
01:05:04,875 --> 01:05:08,504
I gotta go.
I'm really glad we had this talk.
832
01:05:08,579 --> 01:05:10,012
Bye.
833
01:05:17,021 --> 01:05:20,184
Oh, God!
What does "concupiscence" mean?
834
01:05:27,865 --> 01:05:29,799
Beats the shit outta me.
835
01:05:34,772 --> 01:05:36,205
Get out.
836
01:05:37,374 --> 01:05:39,842
Get out.
Get out, get out, get out.
837
01:05:51,522 --> 01:05:55,515
I was beginning to realize that
I had something special in Alex.
838
01:05:55,593 --> 01:05:58,585
Here was a woman who was willing
to do anything to have sex with me.
839
01:06:00,164 --> 01:06:03,600
Suddenly something
very interesting happened.
840
01:06:03,667 --> 01:06:06,795
I seemed to actually
will myself into action.
841
01:06:17,248 --> 01:06:19,842
Was a whole new world
opening up to me?
842
01:06:26,590 --> 01:06:28,854
I was having another dream.
843
01:06:31,295 --> 01:06:33,422
I was in a desert...
844
01:06:33,497 --> 01:06:37,297
and I had on this fur bikini...
845
01:06:38,502 --> 01:06:40,402
like Raquel Welch.
846
01:06:40,471 --> 01:06:43,406
And you were there...
847
01:06:43,474 --> 01:06:53,179
as a butcher,
and you had all these sausages.
848
01:06:53,250 --> 01:06:56,117
I must still be dreaming.
849
01:06:56,186 --> 01:06:58,051
No?
850
01:06:58,122 --> 01:06:59,987
This is happening?
851
01:07:00,057 --> 01:07:01,820
This is happening.
852
01:07:13,437 --> 01:07:15,371
Is that how it's supposed to go?
853
01:07:16,640 --> 01:07:19,108
- It was perfect.
- Good.
854
01:07:20,177 --> 01:07:22,372
I'm really glad we did this.
855
01:07:22,446 --> 01:07:23,879
Me too.
856
01:07:25,549 --> 01:07:28,279
That part when my, you know...
857
01:07:28,352 --> 01:07:31,014
was in with your thing and...
858
01:07:31,088 --> 01:07:33,818
- That was good?
- It was great.
859
01:07:33,891 --> 01:07:35,324
Good.
860
01:07:40,631 --> 01:07:44,226
Maybe this should just be
our little secret.
861
01:07:49,340 --> 01:07:51,934
- So?
- So? So what?
862
01:07:53,377 --> 01:07:55,470
So I had sex with a woman.
863
01:07:56,513 --> 01:07:59,482
- What?
- But it wasn't very good, though.
864
01:08:00,751 --> 01:08:04,710
- What woman did you have sex with?
- This girl in my French Cinema class.
865
01:08:04,788 --> 01:08:06,756
Well, fuckin' a, bro!
866
01:08:06,824 --> 01:08:08,985
Yeah, but I didn't
really enjoy it.
867
01:08:09,860 --> 01:08:12,829
You have to change your whole outlook
on this subject matter.
868
01:08:12,896 --> 01:08:16,798
For me, sex, it's like pizza. Even
if it's bad, it's still pretty good.
869
01:08:16,867 --> 01:08:20,030
Okay, fine, whatever.
Just do me a favor. Don't tell Alex.
870
01:08:20,104 --> 01:08:22,470
- Why?
- If she finds out I had sex...
871
01:08:22,539 --> 01:08:25,372
albeit mediocre sex with someone
other than her, she'll get jealous.
872
01:08:25,442 --> 01:08:28,570
Don't worry about that.
This is beautiful!
873
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:30,238
All you need is a couple more tries.
874
01:08:30,314 --> 01:08:33,147
Before you know it,
you'll be rockin' and rollin'.
875
01:08:33,217 --> 01:08:36,311
The first time you have sex, you're so
flipped out you're actually doing it...
876
01:08:36,387 --> 01:08:39,083
you can't tell whether
you're enjoying it or not.
877
01:08:39,156 --> 01:08:42,717
Come on, man!
God has given you a penis...
878
01:08:42,793 --> 01:08:46,422
and that penis
is meant for fucking.
879
01:08:46,497 --> 01:08:49,295
Ever hear the expression, "The little
head thinking for the big head?"
880
01:08:49,366 --> 01:08:52,233
I live by that. Trust me.
It's a beautiful way to live.
881
01:08:52,302 --> 01:08:55,635
Don't worry about practicing
with somebody alive. I'll get you...
882
01:08:55,706 --> 01:08:58,106
"a blow me up, suck me off,
fuck me" doll.
883
01:08:58,175 --> 01:08:59,972
It'll suck your dick.
884
01:09:00,044 --> 01:09:02,478
You can fuck the shit out of it.
It'll be a beautiful thing.
885
01:09:02,546 --> 01:09:06,482
As Stuart ranted and raved,
something very shocking occurred to me.
886
01:09:06,550 --> 01:09:09,110
I'd always sensed something
strange about Stuart's behavior...
887
01:09:09,186 --> 01:09:12,280
something that set him apart
from your average straight guy.
888
01:09:12,356 --> 01:09:16,315
Could it be that what I'd been looking
for was right under my nose all along?
889
01:09:16,393 --> 01:09:18,657
Could Stuart be a homo?
890
01:09:19,863 --> 01:09:22,661
- Are you with me on this or what?
- Absolutely.
891
01:09:25,302 --> 01:09:27,862
- I know something that you don't.
- What?
892
01:09:29,073 --> 01:09:31,871
I'm not supposed to say...
893
01:09:31,942 --> 01:09:34,001
but I think that Eddy
slept with a girl.
894
01:09:36,046 --> 01:09:38,981
- Who?
- He won't say...
895
01:09:40,050 --> 01:09:42,575
but I think it's some chick
from his French Cinema class.
896
01:09:43,654 --> 01:09:45,087
That's nice.
897
01:09:45,155 --> 01:09:47,783
- You want me to come scrub your back?
- Sure.
898
01:09:54,598 --> 01:09:56,532
He thought you'd be jealous.
899
01:09:56,600 --> 01:09:58,033
I can handle it.
900
01:09:59,803 --> 01:10:03,466
There's really nothing to be jealous
about because he said it was lousy.
901
01:10:04,742 --> 01:10:07,540
- What was?
- The sex.
902
01:10:10,180 --> 01:10:12,512
He said that she was
a lousy lay.
903
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:14,710
There's nothing worse
than a lousy lay.
904
01:10:14,785 --> 01:10:18,346
I remember this girl
from high school, Monica Bryson.
905
01:10:20,190 --> 01:10:22,283
She was like...
906
01:10:22,359 --> 01:10:24,554
like a piece of fish loaf.
907
01:10:24,628 --> 01:10:27,392
I mean she was really
un-fuckin'-believably bad.
908
01:10:27,464 --> 01:10:31,867
I think that I'd rather have a dog fart
in my face than be with her again.
909
01:10:33,403 --> 01:10:35,462
Ow! You're hurting me.
910
01:10:36,373 --> 01:10:39,035
- With this?
- Yes!
911
01:10:39,109 --> 01:10:42,545
I think you're upset because
I called her a piece of fish loaf.
912
01:10:42,613 --> 01:10:44,046
I apologize.
913
01:10:45,115 --> 01:10:47,811
Perhaps I should've said
she was a skanky, fishy bitch wad.
914
01:10:47,885 --> 01:10:51,412
Just get out!
Just get out! Get out!
915
01:10:59,797 --> 01:11:02,061
So I was a lousy lay, huh?
916
01:11:03,567 --> 01:11:05,626
What did you say?
917
01:11:05,702 --> 01:11:09,399
Never mind! You weren't supposed
to say anything. It was a secret!
918
01:11:11,708 --> 01:11:15,667
I didn't tell him it was you.
Besides, it wasn't lousy.
919
01:11:15,746 --> 01:11:17,179
It was pretty good, considering...
920
01:11:17,247 --> 01:11:19,738
- Considering what?
- Considering that you're a girl!
921
01:11:22,119 --> 01:11:24,485
I shouldn't have.
922
01:11:24,555 --> 01:11:26,489
I mean, I don't know.
923
01:11:26,557 --> 01:11:28,650
I don't know what the hell I know.
924
01:11:29,726 --> 01:11:31,660
I felt like an impostor.
925
01:11:37,034 --> 01:11:38,968
I am so confused.
926
01:11:44,007 --> 01:11:47,067
It's okay. It was fine.
927
01:11:47,144 --> 01:11:48,975
We just need to practice.
928
01:11:49,046 --> 01:11:53,142
I don't think I can. Anyway,
I think I figured out something.
929
01:11:53,217 --> 01:11:54,548
What?
930
01:11:54,618 --> 01:11:55,880
Come on now.
931
01:11:56,954 --> 01:11:58,888
I think Stu is...
932
01:11:58,956 --> 01:12:01,015
What?
933
01:12:01,091 --> 01:12:04,788
I think he likes boys more than he likes
girls. He's just afraid to admit it.
934
01:12:07,831 --> 01:12:10,061
Think about it.
It makes total sense.
935
01:12:10,133 --> 01:12:14,194
He's obsessed with male genitalia. All
he does is talk about cocks and fucking.
936
01:12:14,271 --> 01:12:17,365
He's a complete misogynist.
Women are just objects to him.
937
01:12:17,441 --> 01:12:20,171
He's a total narcissist.
He has intense self-body worship.
938
01:12:20,244 --> 01:12:22,769
He has an absent father, a domineering
mother. And if that's not enough...
939
01:12:22,846 --> 01:12:25,280
he knows all the lyrics
to Oklahoma and The Music Man.
940
01:12:25,349 --> 01:12:28,341
He's a classic closet case.
I know, it's crazy, right?
941
01:12:28,418 --> 01:12:32,218
We don't see what we don't want to see,
but I don't think he knows.
942
01:12:32,289 --> 01:12:35,190
- I'm going to help him find out.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
943
01:12:40,097 --> 01:12:42,292
How much did that bottle cost you?
944
01:12:42,366 --> 01:12:43,663
Money is no object...
945
01:12:43,734 --> 01:12:47,261
when it comes to getting
totally shit-faced.
946
01:13:01,218 --> 01:13:03,550
- Shh. Shh.
- What?
947
01:13:03,620 --> 01:13:05,679
- Wait a minute.
- What do you hear?
948
01:13:06,757 --> 01:13:08,088
What?
949
01:13:08,158 --> 01:13:10,649
How did we get on the ceiling?
950
01:13:10,727 --> 01:13:13,662
- Uh-oh.
- How did we get on the ceiling?
951
01:13:13,730 --> 01:13:16,198
Did you pay
the gravity bill this morning?
952
01:13:20,537 --> 01:13:22,596
I forgot!
953
01:13:25,175 --> 01:13:26,802
I'm sorry.
954
01:13:28,712 --> 01:13:30,703
It's okay.
955
01:13:30,781 --> 01:13:35,616
It's no problem. I forgive you. Let's
just get back on the floor 'cause...
956
01:13:39,790 --> 01:13:42,691
- What?
- We're going back on the floor.
957
01:13:42,759 --> 01:13:45,455
- Fasten your seat belt.
- Look out, floor!
958
01:13:45,529 --> 01:13:47,224
Back on the floor.
959
01:13:47,297 --> 01:13:49,424
Are you seeing anything?
960
01:13:51,735 --> 01:13:53,464
I told you so.
961
01:13:53,537 --> 01:13:57,029
- Don't. You're gonna ruin everything.
- Look at that.
962
01:13:58,442 --> 01:13:59,807
He's wrong for you!
963
01:14:01,745 --> 01:14:05,203
What are they doing?
Oh, my God!
964
01:14:06,416 --> 01:14:09,214
It's like a devil worship thing.
965
01:14:11,088 --> 01:14:12,680
It's not working.
966
01:14:17,995 --> 01:14:19,929
I don't feel so good.
967
01:14:25,035 --> 01:14:26,593
God!
968
01:14:26,670 --> 01:14:28,604
I'm going to be sick.
969
01:14:33,443 --> 01:14:35,377
Just breathe easy.
970
01:14:51,495 --> 01:14:53,963
That feels good.
971
01:14:54,031 --> 01:14:55,965
- You okay?
- Yeah.
972
01:15:05,442 --> 01:15:07,034
Whoa, Eddy.
973
01:15:14,151 --> 01:15:15,743
You'll spoil it.
974
01:15:17,454 --> 01:15:19,615
Spoil what?
975
01:15:19,689 --> 01:15:21,281
The intimacy.
976
01:15:24,828 --> 01:15:26,261
Intimacy?
977
01:15:34,304 --> 01:15:37,171
Eddy, there's not
gonna be any intimacy.
978
01:15:38,842 --> 01:15:41,834
Okay. Just empty sex is fine.
979
01:15:44,848 --> 01:15:48,375
Eddy, are you okay?
Because you're pretty drunk.
980
01:15:48,452 --> 01:15:50,044
And so are you.
981
01:15:53,123 --> 01:15:55,091
I don't like guys, okay?
982
01:15:55,158 --> 01:15:57,353
Yes, you do.
983
01:15:57,427 --> 01:16:00,123
No, I don't.
984
01:16:03,767 --> 01:16:06,065
Stuart, you're
a classic closet case.
985
01:16:07,037 --> 01:16:08,868
Eddy, listen to me.
986
01:16:08,939 --> 01:16:12,841
You got all the telltale signs.
You got absent Oklahoma...
987
01:16:12,909 --> 01:16:14,900
Music Mother, the...
988
01:16:15,712 --> 01:16:17,304
I like girls.
989
01:16:19,015 --> 01:16:20,949
I like them a lot.
990
01:16:23,487 --> 01:16:24,818
I fuck them.
991
01:16:27,124 --> 01:16:30,560
No, see, you don't. You talk about
doin' it, but you don't do it.
992
01:16:30,627 --> 01:16:32,720
It's called denial. Right?
993
01:16:32,796 --> 01:16:35,993
I'm an expert at denial.
I can see that a mile away.
994
01:16:37,367 --> 01:16:39,665
So then how come
I'm fuckin' one right now?
995
01:16:42,005 --> 01:16:45,873
I see, you're fucking an imaginary girl,
right now. Is that it?
996
01:16:45,942 --> 01:16:48,467
You've got an imaginary girl?
997
01:16:51,615 --> 01:16:54,516
He's got an imaginary...
998
01:16:54,584 --> 01:16:57,576
It's just me and you here.
999
01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:03,058
Oh, no, she's not imaginary.
1000
01:17:04,761 --> 01:17:07,992
She's somebody
that you know quite well.
1001
01:17:08,064 --> 01:17:12,592
And every day that you skip off to your
little fuckin' French Cinema class...
1002
01:17:12,669 --> 01:17:14,660
we fuck like dogs...
1003
01:17:14,738 --> 01:17:17,502
and her name is Alex.
1004
01:17:37,561 --> 01:17:38,994
I see.
1005
01:17:42,532 --> 01:17:45,399
"I see," said the blind man.
1006
01:17:58,448 --> 01:18:00,006
Oh, shit.
1007
01:18:09,192 --> 01:18:10,591
Look out!
1008
01:18:11,828 --> 01:18:14,319
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Shit, he's bleeding.
1009
01:18:14,397 --> 01:18:15,955
Oh, my God.
1010
01:18:37,687 --> 01:18:41,214
And then I said that I didn't
like guys. He didn't believe me.
1011
01:18:41,291 --> 01:18:44,283
He said I was in denial.
I said, "I like girls."
1012
01:18:44,361 --> 01:18:46,693
He still didn't believe me.
That's when it just came out.
1013
01:18:46,763 --> 01:18:48,390
What?
1014
01:18:49,299 --> 01:18:50,561
That you and l...
1015
01:18:50,634 --> 01:18:52,363
- You know.
- What?
1016
01:18:52,435 --> 01:18:54,266
That we're fucking, okay?
1017
01:18:54,337 --> 01:18:55,736
You idiot!
1018
01:18:55,805 --> 01:18:57,432
- God!
- I was drunk.
1019
01:18:57,507 --> 01:18:59,236
He was touching me.
I freaked out.
1020
01:18:59,309 --> 01:19:02,870
- That's all I can do from here.
- I don't need any stitches?
1021
01:19:02,946 --> 01:19:04,914
Stitches are next semester.
1022
01:19:33,009 --> 01:19:36,069
In the morning, I went
to my film class as usual.
1023
01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:38,478
Prophetically enough,
they showed an old French film...
1024
01:19:38,548 --> 01:19:41,346
about two men and a woman
in a love triangle.
1025
01:19:41,418 --> 01:19:44,751
Both the men loved the same woman,
and it slowly made her go insane.
1026
01:19:45,955 --> 01:19:47,684
In the end, she killed herself
and one of the men...
1027
01:19:47,757 --> 01:19:49,918
by driving her car off
of a bridge.
1028
01:19:51,661 --> 01:19:53,720
I understood
the moral of the story...
1029
01:19:53,797 --> 01:19:56,527
two's company,
three's pathetic.
1030
01:19:57,600 --> 01:19:59,625
I knew what I had to do.
1031
01:20:10,780 --> 01:20:12,714
Still not funny.
1032
01:20:15,018 --> 01:20:17,145
He's moving out.
1033
01:20:17,220 --> 01:20:19,688
I don't want you to move out.
1034
01:20:19,756 --> 01:20:22,816
- Why not?
- I don't wanna be alone with him.
1035
01:20:29,199 --> 01:20:31,133
I'll move out then.
1036
01:20:32,802 --> 01:20:34,702
Okay.
1037
01:20:34,771 --> 01:20:36,568
Fuck you.
1038
01:20:36,639 --> 01:20:37,970
You wish.
1039
01:20:41,878 --> 01:20:43,470
Fuck both of you.
1040
01:20:45,982 --> 01:20:47,415
You wish.
1041
01:20:53,223 --> 01:20:54,656
Don't you?
1042
01:23:36,052 --> 01:23:37,644
I'm pregnant.
1043
01:23:43,660 --> 01:23:45,093
I think.
1044
01:23:46,396 --> 01:23:50,526
"Within two minutes, the white tab
on the plastic stick may change color.
1045
01:23:50,600 --> 01:23:54,866
If the white tab remains white,
the test is negative.
1046
01:23:54,938 --> 01:23:58,396
If the tab turns pale blue,
the test is positive."
1047
01:23:58,474 --> 01:24:01,966
If the tab turns pink, you
have been impregnated by a homosexual.
1048
01:24:08,418 --> 01:24:10,010
Nothing's happening.
1049
01:24:12,589 --> 01:24:15,581
- What do we do if it's positive?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
1050
01:24:15,658 --> 01:24:17,387
I mean...
1051
01:24:23,333 --> 01:24:24,925
I think I'm gonna be sick.
1052
01:24:34,177 --> 01:24:38,204
If I can just get through this part,
everything's gonna be fine.
1053
01:24:38,281 --> 01:24:41,250
I just want to get on
to the next part of my life.
1054
01:24:43,720 --> 01:24:45,187
This part sucks.
1055
01:24:45,254 --> 01:24:46,846
This part sucks?
1056
01:24:49,125 --> 01:24:50,558
How's that supposed
to make me feel?
1057
01:24:51,394 --> 01:24:54,227
Oh, Eddy, I'm nervous, okay?
1058
01:24:55,365 --> 01:24:57,458
I don't think that's it.
1059
01:24:57,533 --> 01:25:01,060
You two wanna get the hell out of here
and forget this ever happened!
1060
01:25:01,137 --> 01:25:03,196
Why haven't we been
hanging out lately?
1061
01:25:03,272 --> 01:25:06,901
How come we haven't talked
in the past couple of weeks, huh?
1062
01:25:06,976 --> 01:25:10,412
Maybe you guys can just walk away
and look for something else...
1063
01:25:10,480 --> 01:25:12,414
but it's not that easy for me.
1064
01:25:13,816 --> 01:25:17,343
Eddy, nobody's gettin' out easy.
1065
01:25:18,921 --> 01:25:19,853
Nobody.
1066
01:25:19,922 --> 01:25:21,719
You understand that?
1067
01:25:45,648 --> 01:25:47,240
Oh, my God.
1068
01:25:50,286 --> 01:25:52,447
Just prop your head up.
Stuart, come on.
1069
01:25:52,522 --> 01:25:54,683
Oh, Jesus.
1070
01:25:54,757 --> 01:25:56,816
What made this happen?
1071
01:25:56,893 --> 01:25:58,986
I was...
1072
01:25:59,062 --> 01:26:02,554
talking toJesus.
1073
01:26:02,632 --> 01:26:04,327
Did he sayJesus or Elvis?
1074
01:26:04,400 --> 01:26:05,765
Jesus.
1075
01:26:05,835 --> 01:26:08,201
He said I should cut my penis off...
1076
01:26:08,271 --> 01:26:10,296
Oh, God.
1077
01:26:10,373 --> 01:26:13,774
Because it was the cause
of all my problems.
1078
01:26:13,843 --> 01:26:18,280
Stuart, you don't have
to cut your pee-pee off.
1079
01:26:20,316 --> 01:26:22,682
You just can't let it
run your life.
1080
01:26:41,070 --> 01:26:43,561
Home free. No baby.
1081
01:26:55,284 --> 01:26:58,117
The semester and the year
would be over in three weeks...
1082
01:26:58,187 --> 01:27:00,314
whereupon Alex would move
to an apartment.
1083
01:27:06,262 --> 01:27:08,196
I'll call you guys later.
1084
01:27:19,809 --> 01:27:23,210
Stuart went home for the summer
and moved to another dorm in the fall.
1085
01:27:24,280 --> 01:27:28,080
I noticed that he never seemed quite the
same after that episode in the bathroom.
1086
01:27:48,871 --> 01:27:51,931
We all tried to keep in touch,
but you know how it is.
1087
01:27:53,176 --> 01:27:55,201
The next semester
I got a single...
1088
01:27:55,278 --> 01:27:57,439
a room all to myself.
1089
01:27:57,513 --> 01:28:00,539
Solitude brought out
the worst in me.
1090
01:28:00,616 --> 01:28:03,449
It gave me time to brood over
the nature of things.
1091
01:28:04,654 --> 01:28:09,421
I wondered how some people can be such a
necessary part of one's life one day...
1092
01:28:09,492 --> 01:28:11,585
and simply vanish the next.
1093
01:28:22,772 --> 01:28:25,036
Isn't it supposed to last?
1094
01:28:27,210 --> 01:28:29,474
We ran into each other
at graduation.
1095
01:28:31,480 --> 01:28:34,711
And we had lunch
about a year after that.
1096
01:28:34,784 --> 01:28:38,311
It was nice to see them,
but it wasn't like the old days.
1097
01:28:40,423 --> 01:28:45,122
Stuart ended up becoming monogamous
to a girl, if you can believe that.
1098
01:28:45,194 --> 01:28:47,628
In fact, I heard
they even got married.
1099
01:28:49,699 --> 01:28:52,532
Alex, on the other hand, enjoyed
staying single for a long time...
1100
01:28:52,602 --> 01:28:56,595
though she admitted to sometimes missing
the rejection from doomed relationships.
1101
01:28:56,672 --> 01:28:59,869
Whenever I talk to her, she always
manages to refer to my boyfriend as...
1102
01:28:59,942 --> 01:29:01,876
"the other woman."
1103
01:29:03,813 --> 01:29:06,646
My college experience
wasn't what I'd planned.
1104
01:29:06,716 --> 01:29:11,244
It bore no resemblance
to the pictures in the brochure.
1105
01:29:11,320 --> 01:29:13,811
But I'm not unhappy.
1106
01:29:13,890 --> 01:29:15,949
I don't think any of us are.
1107
01:29:16,726 --> 01:29:18,660
We got what we needed out of it.
1108
01:29:20,062 --> 01:29:23,964
It's kind of like when you go
on vacation. You plan everything out.
1109
01:29:26,269 --> 01:29:30,171
But then one day you make
a wrong turn or take a detour...
1110
01:29:30,239 --> 01:29:34,300
and you end up in some crazy place
you can't even find on the map...
1111
01:29:34,377 --> 01:29:36,675
doing something you never
thought you'd do.
1112
01:29:38,414 --> 01:29:41,440
Maybe you feel a little lost
while it's happening.
1113
01:29:42,952 --> 01:29:45,978
But later you realize it was
the best part of the whole trip.
1114
01:30:20,000 --> 01:30:24,000
Done by (c) dCd / July 2007
84104
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