All language subtitles for That.Darn.Cat.1997.DVDRip.x264-HANDJOB.en

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That darn cat

That darn cat

That darn cat

That darn cat

That darn cat

That darn cat

That darn cat

Adios, amigo

Oh, no.

Some of our investments
are plummeting.

Why can't your plastic surgeon
give the stock market a lift?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Dear Lord, no, no, no, no, no.
That's--

Oh, my God!

- What?
- I think I found another line, is what!

I can't believe this.
This is horrible!

I'll tell you what's horrible.
Even pork bellies are sagging.

Oh! Nope, nope, nope.

It's just a little eyelash
on the mirror!

Never mind.

Never mind, never mind.

Lizzy, bring me two aspirin
and some warm milk.

Anything you say, Mr Flint.

- You want somethin'?
- I want...

four dozen Ding Dongs
and a giant Ho Ho.

Bring Mrs Flint two carrot
sticks and a mushroom.

What would they do
without me?

Is that her?

Wow. she's an ugly old broad
isn't she?

You'd think with all her millions,
she could afford a plastic surgeon.

Rich people are nuts.

Let's be one of 'em.

Who is it?

I know karate.

Lizzy are you milking the cow?
Mulcer's doing a tango up here

"Cheerful faces.
Smiling hellos.

"Neighbours who don't knock
when they come over!

"The kind of town that has
a really nice feed store.

"Everyone says,
'Have a nice day' still.

"Hot dogs.
Apple pies.

"Quiet, tree-lined streets
named after rodents:

"Squirrel Lane;
Chipmunk Square;

"Badger Bend.

"Apparently Snow White
lived here at some point.

"This is my home, a world of bake sales,
hoedowns and barn raisings.

"Even our cable sucks.

What's a hoedown?

- Sounds like yard work.
- Seriously.

"It's as if this town
has the power!..

- "To suck the very brain right out of your head.
- Patti--

- And with some people, you wouldn't even notice."
- Patti!

The assignment was to give
a report on town pride.

There must be
something here you like.

"I like my cat.
The end."

Hey, DC.

Come to walk
me home? Huh?

Patti, honey.

DC, I told you to leave
the mother at home.

- I see you
- Don't look at her!

Maybe if we ignore her,
she'll go away.

I know it's not cool
to let your mommy pick you up...

but the town council meeting
let out early and-- Oh, Christmas.

Honey, why do you
always wear black?

Because it matches my soul.

Well, it doesn't do much
for your eye colour!

- So how was your day?
- Mind-numbing as usual.

Mom, can we please
move to Boston?

Now, sweetie, I think that you just
don't take advantage...

of all the wonderful things
that this town has to offer you.

- Like what?
- Well, I don't know.

But when I was in high school,
we kids just had so much fun.

I was in glee club
and spirit association.

Why don’t you go out
for cheerleading?

Oh, my goodness, look.
Fish sticks for dinner!

DC!

That cat
is a delinquent!

Uh,just lemme get
these lug nuts off.

Ever wonder where the expression
"big lug" came from?

How long will
it take, Dusty?

Oh, about 15
or 20 minutes, Mrs Randall.

- Is that all?
- Twenty minutes?

My grandmother could do it
faster than that.

She's got replacement hips.
I'll do it in ten.

Oh,yeah? Well,
I'll do it in nine.

Eight and
a ten-percent discount!

- Twelve and a free battery charge!
- Seven...

Fifteen percent off, free oil
changes for a year and free gum!

- Now top that, doofus!
- Doofus, huh?

- Ooh.
- I'll doofus you, buddy boy.

So you heard nothing?

Oh, my wife keeps a tape of jungle
noises going in the bedroom at night.

It's like a Tarzan
movie in there.

Lizzy polished the pygmies' pot
so beautifully.

I'm so upset, I'd-I'd cry. But my tear ducts
haven’t worked since my last eye job.

We'll try to find Lizzy
as soon as we can, Mrs Flint.

Oh, it's so important.
You really have to f--

Do you know what it is
that baffles me? I-I-I--

How could anyone
mistake Lizzy for me?

You know, I mean, we're both
thin and hopefully pretty.

But I spent a quarter
of a million dollars to look like this.

Excuse me.

Captain? Captain!

Captain.

I been collectin' hair and lint samples
from the Flint's bedroom.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Kelso,you know that the--
the kidnapping happened...

- downstairs in the kitchen, right?
- Yes, I know this.

And the Flints were in the bedroom
at the time of the crime.

- Now you're with me here?
- Uh-huh, 100 percent.

Okay, don’t you think that
the really good clues...

would come from, oh, say, the place
where the crime was committed?

Unless, of course, the crime
did not happen in the alleged kitchen.

The kitchen is there.

It's not alleged.
It exists. We have proof.

Captain,
these people are liars.

Now, how
do we know that?

S-See that lady over there?

She told me she was 39.
I'm tellin' you, cover-up.

Okay, Zeke.

Here’s what I want you to do.

Walk into the kitchen...

grab some coffee
and bring it to me.

Good. Then what?

Then get some cream.

Y-You're not serious,
are you, s--

I like my cream.

I'm watchin' you.

Oh, thank you.

- Yoo-hoo, Mrs Randall!
- Hello there!

Hi, Patti!

The Candy Cane, where
young Edgefelders go...

to get a sugar buzz
and then go day-tripping.

Oh, Patti,you
are so dramatic.

- Streets look clear!
- Mm-hmm.

Quiet day.

Yeah. Quiet can be
misleading, Melvin.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean safe.
- Yep.

Yeah.

There! You see what I mean?
That's a 524 right there.

Girl in street chasing cat.

Drive, Melvin. Drive like
you've never driven before. Drive!

Don't hit the girl.
Don't hit the girl or the cat.

Oh, honey! Lord in heaven,
you could've been injured!

- Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?
- No.

How's DC?

Well, he's got fleas. But I think
he had those before you got here.

Well,you ladies
have a good day now.

We will, thank you.
Goodbye, boys. Patti!

- Bye.
- Those are such nice boys.

Sure wish we could do
somethin' about those fleas.

We're just men, Melvin.

Not gods.

- Let's go.
- Ow.

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

Mom, eyes forward,
head straight. Don't look up.

- Patti, where are your manners?
- Who's down there?

Hello, Mrs McCracken.

- Hi.
- Now I'll never get out of here.

- Who's that with ya?
- That's Patti.

Patti? Who's Patti?

I'm her daughter!

Um,you've only known me 16years.

It'd help if ya dressed in colour!

DC, it's not time for dinner!
Get over here.

What's that, Tweety?

Ah! Tweety says hello!

Look, Mom,
the bird talks.

Oh, Patti, sometimes I wonder who snuck in
in the middle of the night and raised you.

Mrs McCracken, could we get you
anything at the butcher's?

I could use half a pound
of ground chuck.

All right. Bye-bye.

Thank you very much!

Why is it so painfully hard
for you to be nice?

I think you wound up with all
the "nice" in the family, Mom.

I swear, Patti,you can be
such a pain in the--

- Say it.
- No.

- Oh, come on, Mom. Say it.
- You will not make me swear!

You will not make me swear!

Yeah, I know.

She's a hard one to crack.

Yoo-hoo, Lu!

Hello, Mrs Randall, Patti.

Hey, now,you've done something
new with your hair!

- Oh, it's a bun.
- Turn around.

Oh, I think that is nifty.

- Very becoming.
- Thanks.

Well, I need half a pound of
ground chuck and a watermelon rose.

- Okay, Mrs Randall.
- Did you do this?

Yes.

Lu, that’s wonderful.
You’re very talented.

Thanks. Yeah, I once built
a castle out of Spam.

- No.
- Yeah. Had a spiral staircase up to the turret.

Really? Oh, wow.

Hey,you know,
if you are free on Saturday...

you really should come
to our annual cat show.

There'll be a lot
of eligible men there.

Oh, I don't know.
Saturday's my big TV night.

Well, try, okay?
Because it is gonna be fun.

Our head judge this year!..

Has the cat food with
the dancing cats on the label.

You know-- Chow, chow, chow.

I am not exaggerating.
It is gonna be an extravaganza.

Ooh, an extravaganza
in Edgefeld.

Patti, shush.
Teenagers.

Just put that
on my tab, okay? Thanks, Lu.

Oh, DC!

I don't know what to do
with her, Peter!

She refuses to even
try to get along with people.

Well, I say we sell her,
get enough to cover that orthodontia.

- I am serious,you.
- Ow.

Honey, there are two...

very important things
lacking in your personality:

- tolerance and empathy.
- Hmm.

Now,you showed an awful lot
of disrespect for Lu today.

- I was just agreeing with her!
- She is a sweet gal.

And she takes her work
very seriously.

Mom, she moulds meat.

You push me,young lady. And you
enjoy it. Admit it. You enjoy it.

- Oh, no. I derive no joy from it.
- Um, ladies--

Despite the maid's
net worth of$2388..

the kidnappers are demanding
one million in ransom.

Boston police
have brought in the FBI

- So far there've been no leads But Boston police--
- Boston?

It's always Boston. Why can't
anything like that ever happen here?

...quick apprehension
of the perpetrators

This is of course the same Chief
Fitzwilliams who expressed optimism...

for the quick apprehension
of the perpetrators..

of most of Boston's crimes
in the past year.

There he goes,
just like clockwork.

Why do you think he leaves
here every night at 8.00?

- Because he can.
- Fitzwilliams swears it will be different.

And we at Channel 11
support him.

This will teach ya
to steal my customers.

Doofus!

Quiet night.

Whoa! Did you see that?

No, I didn't!
Don't get involved.Just drive!

That guy needs new tires.

- Ooh
- What you want

- Baby I got it
- Ooh

What you need
Do you know I got it

- Ooh
- All--

Yes.

Come here, kitty. Come here.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come to Mama. Come on.

Come on!
Good boy.

Run along.

Oop, 7.20. Better get down
to the bookstore.

- A new Danielle Steel coming in today.
- Whoo.

- I wonder if it'll be a romance.
- Hmm.

I'd read it myself, but
the TV movie's always better!

- Bye-bye, honey.
- Bye.

Honey, would you pass me
the front page, please?

Thank you.

Hey, DC, what ya got there?
What is this?

- How weird.
- Hmm?

Mom, read this.

You will not make me swear,
young lady.

I was not trying to make you swear, Mom.
DC was wearing this.

That's ridiculous. Why would
anybody give a watch to a cat?

This looks
like the same Timex.

- Honey, would you pass me the margarine, please?
- Oh, my God.

- I know who gave DC the watch.
- Who?

Her.

Hillary Clinton?

No, Mom.
Below the fold.

See? That's the maid
that got snagged.

I'm telling you,
it's the same watch.

Yes, but honey,
it's a Timex.

Thousands of people
wear that watch.

DC, do you know
this person?

See?

DC, do you know
this person?

That's totally not fair!

Drink up your juice.
It's good for your skin.

As you can see, we've isolated
a partial fingerprint.

But it's not enough
to identify the kidnappers.

- Oh.
- Now, sir, before we proceed...

we need to be clear on one thing:
are you prepared to pay the ransom?

Um, look, I-I have to be
blunt right here.

You see, I-I love Lizzy
like a member of my family.

But there is a problem.
Now s-some-- Uh, I--

I'm fat broke.

You’re what?

I'm sorry, sweet cakes.
We're broke.

What?

We're broke. It was the stinkin' '80s.
The stock market was calling to me.

I-I made time like
a drunken sailor on leave.

I jumped in bed with
every leveraged buyout,junk bond...

rumoured corporate
takeover there was.

Right now
I'm $17 million in debt.

- Seven--
- I wouldn't be able to raise 50 bucks..

Even if they
had kidnapped my wife.

So much for Plan A.

The only thing I don't understand is why
her watch says "hell."

Oh, Patti, please. I can't
take any more of this.

- Help me Rhonda, help me get her outta my heart
- Okay, so I'm kidnapped.

I'm trying to get a message
to the outside world.

- And I write--
- Help me Rhonda

Help, help me Rhonda Help me
Rhonda Help, help me Rhonda

- Help. Duh, I write help.
- Help me Rhonda Help, help me Rhonda

- Help me Rhonda Help, help me Rhonda
- God I'm really good

Those Charlie's Angels reruns
are really starting to pay off.

Oh, Patricia, please.

- Help me Rhonda,yeah Get her outta my heart
- What?

You're trying to tell me that your cat
walked 60 miles to Boston...

bumped into the kidnappers, got
the watch and came all the way home...

on the same night?

- Isn't he amazing?
- And you are basing this entire theory...

on the fact that a part-time
alley cat came home...

with a watch that says
"hell" on the back.

- Rhonda,you caught my eye
- What did you say?

And l can give you
lots of reasons why

- You've gotta help me Rhonda
- Nothing.

- Help me get her outta my heart
- You said, "hell." I heard you.

- I did not. I did not.
- You did too. Oh, Mom, I'm so proud of you.

Listen,you just forget
about that watch, okay?

It is your job
to be a student.

Let's let the policemen
solve the crime, okay?

Help, help me Rhonda Help me
Rhonda Help, help me Rhonda

Help me Rhonda
Help, help me Rhonda

Help me Rhonda
Help, help me Rhonda

Help me Rhonda
Yeah

Get her outta my heart

My cat saw
something, okay?

Hey, I've got
proof!

Look, the kidnapping
took place in Boston. This is Edgefeld.

So obviously
their hideout is here.

That's absurd. Why
would the kidnappers do that?

Because they know
the local police are idiots!

- Teenagers. Come on.
- I know.

- Grandma, I feel sick.
- Ohh.

Can I have a Big Mac
on the way home?

Sure, honey.

Is anyone here?

Why aren't you at school
gettin' an education, Patti?

Because I'd rather
be getting cavities.

Could I have a chocolate soda, please? And
DC here will have a dish of whipped cream.

Nice outfit.
Going to a funeral?

Yeah. My youthful
enthusiasm just died.

Aww. Why so glum, chum?

Oh, I'm sick of being ignored.

Now, actually, it can be a blessing
not to be noticed, honey.

Not when you want
to be noticed.

And I'm tired of living
in a town that gets excited...

-when a new stoplight is installed.
- There's a new stoplight?

A couple of years,
you can leave old Edgefeld.

Yeah. I live for that day.

But unfortunately I'm stuck here
for the foreseeable future.

- Just like us.
- You guys feel stuck too?

- Mm-hmm.
- We'll be okay.

Yeah. So will I.

Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry to interrupt.

But I've got a little girl
outside who claims...

that her cat witnessed
the kidnapping.

I'd love to talk to her, but a couple of
dogs have already come forward on that one.

Yes, sir! Um, she would, uh,
like to file a report.

- So?
- I-I'm up to my neck. Please.

- You?
- Please, I've got--

- All right. Dismissed.
- Thank you.

- I'm Patti Randall.
- Hello, Miss Randall.

How are you? Nice to meet you.
Please, uh, have a seat.

- You can call me Zeke.
- That's some picture you got there.

Oh,yeah, that's my father! He was
an FBI agent under J Edgar Hoover!

He looks really serious.

He never laughed one time
in his entire life.

Unless, of course,
it was an order!

He must've been, um,
a real fun guy.

They used to call him
the 24-Hour Man because, uh...

there wasn’t a case that he
couldn't solve in less than 24 hours.

That's amazing.
How long does it take you?

So, Miss Randall, I understand
that you witnessed the Flint kidnapping?

Oh, well, uh, I didn't
witness it, actually.

Um, DC sort of
stumbled onto it.

- Where's DC?
- At home, uh, sleeping.

Well, how come
he didn't come with you?

Well, I wasn't sure
if you allowed pets in the building.

He's a cat.
It's-It's-- He's my cat.

As in--As in
Morris the--

Yeah.

- DC's actually a big fan.
- This is real funny.

Ha, ha, ha!
Joke's on me, boys! Ha, ha!

Send Zeke
the kid with the cat!

I bust my butt to be taken seriously
in this place. This is how you treat me?

And in front of my father,
no less!

Agent Kelso, my cat
did see something, okay?

I'd appreciate it if you'd
try to take this seriously.

You know,you-you send me
a-a-a-a witness...

that doesn't have four legs
and use a sandbox, and I'll go to work.

Look, this is what I got
off my cat, okay?

Look it, see, it says, "help"
on the back. I think it's from her!

Okay.

I-I-I know this looks
a little odd,you know--

Odd? It sounds like you’re 12 short
of a dozen, Kelso.

- It's not even a hunch.
- It's more than a hunch.

Look, I-- I checked this, uh-- this
sales record for this Model 705 Timex.

Now, this was
a promotional line...

meaning there were only a couple
sold in the Boston area.

I checked with the Flints. They
bought one for their maid for Christmas.

I mean, it's a genuine
gut instinct!

Well, far be it from me to
interfere with a gut instinct.

Zeke...

go tail the cat.

Good one. Good one, sir!
Good one.

Oh, oh, I'm gonna need
a team for this one. Mm-hmm.

- A team?
- Please?

- Pretty please?
- Okay.

Take four men,
one evening.

But you better come back
with more than a whisker!

Another good one, sir! Thank you, sir!
I could-- I could kiss you, sir!

You could.
But I wouldn't recommend it.

Kiss me.

Cats.

Hey.

Hey!

Now, this is going too far!

So every night at 8.00,
the cat goes out.

Yep.

- Hmm. Well, then, I'll be over at 7.00.
- Pretty nifty wheels.

Not every day you see a car with
shag carpeting and a bobbing dog head.

- Thanks. I did it myself.
- Never would have guessed.

- Two chocolate sodas.
- Thank you.

Don't drink'em too fast.
Your head'll freeze.

Uh, here we go, Pa.
The afternoon rush.

- Patti! What are you up to?
- Nothing. I'm not up to anything.

- I just came to see you.
- Okay, thank you.

I did. Can't I miss
my mom and dad?

- Mom, come on.
- Patti, what’s wrong?

Nothing.

She just came to say hi.

Actually, I came
to surprise you guys.

Two tickets to C-- Cats.

Oh, honey, look.

The Community College Road Company
at the Oaken Bucket Dinner Theater!

Oh!

Well, I know I've been kind of a pain
lately, so I wanted to make it up to you.

Ohh!

So this is for tonight.
There's dinner with the show.

All the prime rib
you can eat, so go.

- Ohh!
- Thank you, honey!

Ah, what a little gal.

She is gonna be okay.

First thing I have to do
is photograph the witness.

- Hey!
- Oh, be careful. He scratches.

- Are you sick?
- No, I'm allergic.

Could you just put him
on the table, please?

Okay, but usually we yell at him
when he gets on the table.

Hey, what's that?

A clue. It's a twig,
but it's a clue.

It's red, and it's sticky.

- Maybe blood.
- Blood.

I need to bag this, label this and catalogue this.
Do you have a bag and a label?

I have Saran Wrap
and masking tape.

Desperate times call
for desperate measures.

Who's that?

- It's my team.
- You have a team?

Of course I have a team.

Every agent
has a team.

- What's the point?
- I’d just be happy to get home early tonight.

Gentlemen!

Tonight you’ll be tailing informant X. And
I hope that leads us to the kidnappers.

Now it's important that informant X
not be aware of your presence.

He’s very--very skittish.
Here are his stats.

Eyes: light brown.

Hair: grey.

- Weight: ten pounds.
- Ten pounds?

- He's a cat.
- Aw, come on, man. What's the joke?

- What?
- He's a cat?

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay!

I will coordinate all activities here at
command central. That's the cat's home.

Cat-quarters.

- Come on,y'all, this is serious.
- Zeke.

It's a cat.

Come on, come on!
This is serious!

This is Kelso.
Does everybody read?

- Blue team in position.
- Tabby patrol in position.

Red team in position.

Sorry, man.
Just coughed up a hairball.

They're good men, my team.
Excellent senses of humour!

I-It helps
to ease the tension.

How'd it get so cold
all of a sudden?

Stand by! Informant X
is leaving the house!

Weird.

What's the deal?

Why isn't he moving?
He's supposed to be moving.

Okay. Go!

Hit the road.

He's off.

He's movin'. He's movin'.
It's 8.00.

You're not a cat person,
are you?

Oh.

Okay, men.
Here he comes.

He's on the move Here he comes.
Yeah. He just turned rght.

I don't see anything.

No, wait. I got him.

- After you.
- You're taller!

- Go first.
- Uh, thanks a lot.

- Yeah.
- Great.

- Come on. Let's get this done.
- Okay.

Come on. Give me your foot.
Here we go.

- Ready?
- Yeah, I got it. I got it. I got it!

- You forgot this.
- Fine.

Perfect.

What the hell's out there?

Oh, n-n-no! No!

Oh, get him off me!

Get him off me, please!

P-P-Pete, it's Kelso!
What's goin' on out there?

- Swing him around and l'll shoot him!
- The cat?

- Get him off me!
- No! Do not shoot the cat.

Do not shoot informant X.
I repeat, do not shoot informant X!

We weren't gonna shoot informant X
It's a dog It's a rabid bulldog

The bulldog's Smokey.
And he's not rabid.

He’s just senile. You have to sing
to him a little bit.

- He's a Motown fan.
- Do you know any Motown?

- Get him off me!
- Come on!

- He's got my butt! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
- Come on now! Ooh!

Big dog!

The cat just jumped
from a roof onto a terrace.

Proceed with caution.

Two down.

- A quiet target is an easy target.
- Using the siren was a good idea.

Okay. I got him now.

Okay, Dusty. Let's see
what you keep hidden in the trunk.

Holy smokes!

- Weird town, man.
- He's not talking about Edgefeld.

I believe he is, Miss Randall.
And these men have seen it all.

Darn cat!

Try driving that away, sucker!

Hee-hee-hee! Yes, siree!

Kelso, man, I cannot
make this place out.

- Looks like the coast is clear!
- Okay,you cover me. I cover you.

Okay, go! Go! Go!

- What a pretty pink bow.
- Don't touch it!

- Is it ticking?
- I'll see.

No.

Hey, meat!

Meat? That's a threat.
Like a dead fish on the doorstep.

Mob, or worse.

- Vegetarians?
- Get inside.

Oh! Don't step
on the meat. Oh!

I just saw some vixen deliver
meat to a couple of guys.

Ex-Excuse me-- Excuse me.
We have a young girl in the room here.

No, Zeke I just saw some woman
deliver actual meat toa couple of guys.

- Cat's on the move.
- I'll secure the door!

Melvin,you man the window
observation point.

Nobody there.

Pete Pete man! Talk to me man!
What's goin 'on out there?

Talk to me!Be careful.
The suspect could be dangerous!

Are your pizzas extra yummy?

And how old are you?

Oh, 16. Are you a pizza face?

- Just sounds like some sweet old lady.
- Oh, don't be so testy. I'm just funnin'.

- Mr Pepperoni Cheeks.
- I'm gonna get a little closer!

Hello, hello?
I can hang up on you too.

Who does he think he is?

- Whoa!
- Help! Help!

Who's out there?

The cat got
the drop on me.

It was sweet of Patti to give us
those tickets, wasn't it?

What a nice little girl
we have there.

- She is the best. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you think
she's happy, honey?

She's a teenager!
She's not supposed to be happy.

True.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

- You don't smoke cigars.
- Well, I don't buy cigars.

If a guy in a cat suit gives me
a free one, I'm gonna smoke it.

- Well, not in my car,you're not.
- Am I supposed to walk home?

Absolutely.

- I will leave the light on for you.
- See that you do.

- Really? Hmm.
- Mmm.

Kelso, this cat has been
sitting here for an hour!

- Now what do you want me to do?
- DC? DC?

Hi. What're you doin' here?
DC, it's me. Honey!

- DC!
- Kelso, an unidentified man's abducting the cat!

Well, don't let him.
We need the cat!

DC!

Hold it.
Don't move.

All right, cat man.
Up against the car!

Aw, the cat's gettin' away.

Miller, detain the suspect.
Phil, Steve, stay with the cat.

- Where's he goin' now?
- I don't know where he's going. I'm not a compass.

Oh, there he is. There he is.
All right, go, go, go!

No, he's goin' in the trees.
I hate trees.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Where'd he go?
- I don't know. I'm all turned around.

There he is.
There he is.

Kelso, the cat
has entered a house.

- I can see the shadows of two unidentifiable people
- What are we gonna do?

Awaiting orders, Zeke

Are you scared?

N-Not scared, Patti.
Just cautious.

In life, it's important
to be prudent.

And besides, if these guys get killed,
I'm in big trouble.

- You're goin' in!
- One.

- Two.
- Three!

Don't-Don't-Don't move!
Uh-oh.

You know, we have a doorbell.

Huh?

Now, all we want
to know...

is what you wanted
with the cat.

I told you,
he's my cat.

But if he means that much to you,
you can have him.

You're in serious
trouble, mister!

This is an official
FBI investigation.

I just wanna know your name!

Don't lie to me!

'Cause I can tell when a man's lying.
I can see right through him.

Randall.
I'm Peter Randall.

Peter Randall.

You wouldn't happen to be related
to a Patti Randall, would you?

Hey, Mata Hari.
What's up with you?

- You on stake-out?
- How did you find out?

Well, when they arrested me for picking
up my own cat, that was a red fag.

I'm really sorry.
I meant to tell you too.

It's just that no one
would listen to me about the watch.

Yeah. Uh, let me
get this straight.

You mean to tell me that a kid like you
got a whole squad of FBI men...

down here to Edgefeld to follow
your cat around all night?

- I'm impressed.
- You think mom would feel that way?

- Not a chance.
- So you’re not gonna tell her?

Mmm, well, I guess it's all right if
a father and daughter have one secret.

- Merci.
- Yeah, I'm the best.

Just don't spread it around.
I got a reputation to maintain.

Now you go to sleep.

And, Patti...

try and make a human friend,
for your mother!

Hey.

Uh--

- Where have you been?
- Uh--

Go back to sleep.
This is a dream.

Peter, it is 6.30!

Re-- I got 6.24, honey.

I have been out of my mind with worry.
What happened to you?

Well,you know--

Well...

it was a very long cigar!

- And?
- And...

I had a wonderful time
with you last night.

- Excuse me?
- I had the prettiest date.

- I always do.
- Oh, I don't believe this.

This is the most inconsiderate
thing you’ve ever done.

I guess we can talk
about this in the morning then, huh?

Ooh.

If anybody needs me, uh,
I'll be down here, okay?

Boy,you sure had a big night,
didn’t you, Kelso?

- Look, Captain, I-I know it looks bad--
- Bad?

No, we passed "bad"
an hour ago.

Right now we’re on
major career bungle.

If it was up to me right now, I would
take your gun. I would take your badge.

But you’d let me keep my parking permit.
That must mean you like me, right?

I guess I'm off the case, right?

You're off the case.

- Hey, Captain, let me just say one thing--
- You're almost out of the Bureau.

Would you like
some coffee? Huh?

Oh, boy. I need to solve
this crime to keep my job.

- Randall.
- Hey, Kelso.

- I'm just doing a little research on some people.
- And what'd you find?

Absolutely nothing.
What are you doing here?

The thing is, I think that, though slightly
obnoxious, you actually are onto something.

Oh, really?
Because I think you...

although painfully inept, are my only
shot at finding this woman.

- Thanks.
- So, partners?

No. FBI agent and kid.

Where are you going?

I'm going out to the tool shed
to get a screwdriver!

Oh, honey, please don't cry.
It's just a screwdriver!

Oh, it's not the screwdriver,
Peter, and you know it.

In 20 wonderful years
of marriage...

you have never kept
anything from me.

You told me about
that Aunt Jemima thing.

It was Halloween.
I was 13years old--

You told me how they
called you Tubby in school.

Just until sixth grade.
I wish you hadn't brought that up.

Peter,you are keeping
something from me.

You know, that Tubby stuff is still
kinda painful after all these years.

Forget it.

This is supposed
to be blood?

That's how
it was labelled.

You'd better
get Boetticher!

Why do these street lights
keep on flickering?

Thanks for including me
in the investigation.

Hey, this is not
an investigation.

This is me and you walkin' around
so you can show me your town, okay?

- I've gotta get him. He's gonna get hurt.
- Stay back. I'll handle this.

- Hurry up.
- Don’t worry.

Baby love
My baby love

Wow. You can
really belt it out.

Thank you. Thursday night's
my karaoke night.

- Party often?
- Yeah.

I'd like to charter
a plane to Argentina.

No luggage, one way.

- And I'd like extra nuts.
- Who is that?

- That's old lady McCracken. But I thought she was a shut-in.
- I insist on it.

First class.
Spare no expense.

I'm loaded.

I'm too sexy
for my shirt

- Uh, Patti, about the butcher--
- Yes?

Yes, I got the order!

Well, I was afraid
it might go bad.

Well, it better be delivered
by tomorrow, or else it's dead meat.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow's the day
the ransom's due.

Oh, she's definitely
in on it.

It must be some kind of,
like, kidnappers' code.

- Kidnappers' code? Oh!
- Too sexy for your body

The way I'm disco dancin'

Oh, not again!

So Lu is a spy for McCracken who's,
like, the brains behind the whole thing.

So Melvin and Marvin
are, like, muscle guys?

- So why’s she hidin' in the alley?
- Hey! Lamb chops!

Whoever's stalking us
is probably watching us...

right now!

- Does my hair look okay?
- Hey, it looks like he's signalling somebody.

No!

What in the name of all that is good
still left in the world are you doing?

I was thanking
whoever left the meat.

- Than--
- Melvin!

You're a burger and a fries
short of a Happy Meal.

W-W-Wait! Hey, hey! Oh!

- Act Natural. - A full Happy Meal.
- Don't look suspicious.

Lamb chops down the drain.

All right, so I've got it.

Lu, Melvin, Marvin
and McCracken are all in on it.

And when Lu
drops off the meat...

they transport the maid
to a hiding place that McCracken picks.

This'll stick in your tank, Dusty.

Okay, Dusty,
you wanna play hardball?

All right. This'll teach you
to rip me off.

Take that! And this!

- This!
- Uh-oh!

Stay back!

You okay?

Why do people always ask somebody who's just had
their slammed into something hard if they're okay?

You might wanna check that out
for evidence you know?

It's right by the donut shop there at Ballard
Can you bring me back a sprinkles?

Oh, I wonder
how that happened.

Well, it's obviously a conspiracy. I mean, they're hiding
in ski masks, making plans to skip off to Argentina.

I can't believe
this whole town is full of criminals.

- Patti, would you stop jumpin' to conclusions?
- What? These people are nuts.

Car 13. Car 13. We have a report
of two unidentified suspects--

one male, one female-- trespassing
Could be prowlers Over.

Okay.

Ugh, what a mess. He's all covered
in stickers and twigs.

Stickers and twigs?

This is where DC
got the bloody twig.

Lizzy was dragged
through these leaves.

- Officers, no need for alarm.
- Freeze! - I'm a federal agent.

- Hold it!
- I'm-I'm gonna get my ID.

Forget about the ID.

If you're an FBI agent,
I'm Oprah Winfrey.

Oh, I love your show!

Get in the car!

- In the back, in the car!
- This is ridiculous. They can't do anything to us anyway.

All right, put your hands
on top of the car! Spread your legs.

Well, now. What do we have here?

...and don't forget to call your wife

Hmm?

Cat got your tongue?

Good one. Hmm.

Did I take you off this case?
Was that me?

Um, sir, I think you might
find this interesting.

Um, we found the source
of-of the bloody twig.

- The bloody twig?
- Mm-hmm.

- The bloody twig?
- Oh.

The bloody twig is a stem
from a maraschino cherry!

Oh. Never mind.

- Kelso...
- Mm-hmm?

Out of respect
to your father!..

I've tried to keep an open mind,
but I can't do it any more.

You're an incompetent agent and
an embarrassment to the department.

- Oh, Patti!
- Oops, uh, my turn.

You see? I was not lying to you.

There's no deep, dark secrets here.
I was just trying to be a good father!

- Believe me, it's the last time.
- This is how you help her!..

By letting her run around
until she ends up in prison?

I don't know
how to answer that.

I'm Captain Boetticher!
Mrs Randall, Mr Randall...

on behalf of the Bureau...

I just want to apologize for getting
your girl involved in all of this.

Well, I do have to say,
I find it surprising...

that you would listen
to a 16-year-old in the first place.

Well, ma'am, the watch with "help" on it
was a very convincing piece of evidence.

It didn't say "help." It said "hell."

- It said "help."
- No, it said "hell."

No, I believe it said "help."

No, it definitely said
"H-E-L-L."

Wow, Mom. You swore.

I'm sorry.

The Edgefeld investigation...

is closed.

You can't go to the movies.
You can’t watch TV.

You can't eat dessert. You can't go out
with your little friends.

She doesn't do those things anyway.

You have put me in a terrible position
in this town, Patti.

You have been hurling accusations. You
have gotten innocent people arrested.

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry is just not good enough, Patti.

Now, I don't know what kind of
a person you are choosing to be...

but it is not one
that I am very proud of right now.

While we are
at the cat show...

I would like you to think about all
the people that you have hurt...

by your jumping to conclusions,
all right?

- Peter!
- You go--

It's all your fault.

I don't belong here anyway.

One ticket to New York, please.

- One-way or round-trip?
- One-way.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hey! What are you doing here?

- Waitin' for a train.
- Oh.

So where you goin'?

I don't know.
Anywhere that's not here.

This is kind of sudden,
isn't it?

I mean,you're not
in any kind of trouble, are you?

No. What are you
talking about?

Nothing.
What's in the bag?

Clothing, books,
pictures, a veal roast--

pieces of my nothing life.

Lu, I sense depression.

Oh, I just gotta
get outta here.

I'm tired of being in love with someone
who doesn't love me.

You're in love?
With who?

- Melvin Yazbo.
- Melvin?

Yes. I've secretly been in love
with him for years...

watching him patrol, knowing he'd lay
down his life for someone in need.

I left meat on his doorstep.

Lamb chops, veal chops,
pork chops. He likes chops.

I was always told a way to a man's
hear twas through his stomach...

that a nice steak
spelled "love."

That's why you left
the meat?

- I thought he'd figure it out.
- Oh.

I've been getting things
really wrong.

I mean, maybe he-he did figure it out
and he’s just not interested.

No. No. I think
you’re way off, Lu.

Melvin is totally getable.

- Not by me.
- Lu, he doesn't even know you.

You haven't even tried.

You can't go around staring at him
and leaving anonymous pieces of meat.

But they're the best cuts.
No visible fat.

Lu,you have to make an effort.

There's a right way and a wrong way
to get to know people.

- Maybe if I were more like you.
- Like me?

Yeah.

You know, sharp, funny, outgoing.
You dress so cool.

I bet you’re really popular!

I wouldn't bet a lot.

But you're so young.
How do you know all of this?

I guess I just figured it out,
like, two seconds ago.

Express train to Boston
and New York...

now arriving from Bellows Falls
and Worcester.

- The train's coming.
- Yeah.

Well, what do you say we cash in our tickets
and give this place another shot?

I'd say it sounds good.

I need a tune-up
and an oil change.

I’ll just leave you
my wallet.

It'll make it easier
for you to rob me blind.

No problem. The car will be ready
in 30 minutes.

- I'll do it in 28.
- You want a fat lip?

Well, remember!

- He's shy, so be bold.
- Thanks.

- See ya later, Patti.
- Bye.

Why can’t you ever just
torture mice or something?

Huh? Hey.

What's this?

Huh? DC!

DC!

Melvin!

Lu?

Wow! Ow!
I think you bit my lip.

- Oh.
- I liked it.

I sent you the meat!

I should've known.

Best cuts.
No visible fat.

You noticed.

How could I not?

- I-I need my inhaler!
- Oh, my goodness!

Norman! W-W-Wait.
Come with me.

- Norman, I think I'm engaged!
- Yeah!

I'm gonna
strangle you, DC!

What are you doing? DC!

Kidnapping is a--
is a double tragedy..

for Elaine and me
first, because we love Lizzy..

- and uh, second because we're broke
- Oh! - Oh!

Snack room.
And I'm out of decaf.

So if you want some,you go down
the block and get it yourself, okay?

Zeke, it's Patti.
I know where she is. DC found her!

- Say goodbye, Patti.
- No, no,you don't understand I'm rght outside

No, no,you don't understand.
You falsified evidence.

You manufactured a witness.
You made me look stupid.

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

I'm cleanin' cups.

My coffee's done.
I gotta go.

- Ow. That must've hurt.
- Oh, good. Am I glad to see you!

- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm the one who found your watch.

Oh, thank God
somebody found it.

They almost caught me.
I didn't get to finish the "P."

Oh, don’t worry.
I did it for you.

I'll have you outta here in a sec.

Oh, my God!
It’s you!

The celebrity judge
should be here momentarily.

This is a disaster! He was supposed
to be here over 30 minutes ago.

Well, honey,you know these
Hollywood types-- fashionably late.

Maybe he left a message
on the machine at home.

This is a most important mark
of this cat.

It has a thick, shaped head
a long lovely tail..

expressive ears, big eyes.

Hello. You've reached the Randall residence
If you're looking for Patti...

I've left town to go and depress
some other once-happy community

Don't worry,
I'm not coming back

If you're looking for my parents,
leave a message at the beep.

Regular or decaf?

Hello,Agent Kelso?
This is Mrs Randall, Patti's mother.

Is Patti with you? We can't find her, and
we're afraid that she may be missing.

Uh, no, Ms Randall, but
wherever she is, I'm sure she's fine.

- She's wearing an overcoat.
- Oh, well...

uh, thank you very much.
Goodbye.

Anything else?

What to do?
What to do? What to do?

Well, if I go, then it's
an automatic suspension...

possible termination,
career as a coffee bean expert.

But, on the other hand,
you know, the kid's in trouble, so--

You would go, wouldn't you?

Okay, okay, okay. Where to start?
Where to start? Where to start?

Butcher!

Love meat!

Butcher!
Butcher, butcher, butcher!

Okay. McCracken.
Security guard.

Okay. Patti said the butcher signals
the security guards where the maid is.

All right,
when she's doing that...

what are the rest
of them doing?

FBI.

Mrs McCracken! Please, put your
teeth back in before you lose 'em again.

How could I lose 'em?
I never go anywhere.

Open your mouth.
Come on. Open it.

No, this is wrong.

She's the ringleader
of a conspiracy like--

like a butcher is a--
a messenger.

There's nothing here.

What am I gonna do?

Okay, okay. I need a--
I need a new strategy. No more manuals.

I gotta-- I gotta think like a cat.

A cat knows.
Yeah, I am a cat.

I am a cat. I am a cat.

Thinkin' like a cat.
I'm slinkin' like a cat.

I'm slinking, thinking like a cat.
Slinking-- Slinking and thinking like a cat.

Moving like a cat.
Movement.

I am movement.
I am instinct. I am motion.

I-I am-- I am cracking up.

Slinking, slinking,
slinking, slinking, slinking.

Okay. I like slinking.
It's more fun than walking.

Hey, fella,you need help?

Okay, okay. DC likes--

DC likes meat.

DC likes to use my head
as a launching pad. Oh, great.

DC likes--

Garbage!

DC likes garbage!

Come on. Bring her back.

That's good.
Take it.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Um, have you--
have you seen--

- Ha-Have you seen a grey-and-white cat?
- Recently or in my lifetime?

Recently.

No. Wanna hear
about my lifetime?

Thank you very much
for your help, sir!

Okay, let's go!
Take her away!

Cherry stems!

Oh!

Lookin' for clues.
Lookin' for clues. Lookin' for clues.

Cabbage! Hey! I'm on the trail.
I'm on the trail. I'm on the trail.

Sorry, Patti. You know what they say--
curiosity killed the cat.

- Hello?
- Have you got any rocky road?

- Yes.
- You better pave it.

FBI! Hit the floor and drop the guns!
Drop the gun!

You okay, Patti?

What? Nobody says
"please" any more?

- Zeke! You smell really bad.
- Happy to see you too, Patti.

What happened?

- Got in a fight with a Dumpster and lost.
- Oh.

I'm watchin' you.
I'm watchin' you.

Ah. Thanks.
And who are you?

Zeke Kelso, FBI--
at your service, baby.

Oh, wait!
What about DC?

- The cat.
- Oh, my! Let's not forget him.

Okay, okay, DC. L-Let's go, let's go.

Hey, come on, man.
Don't even start with me. Okay?

- Grab the gun, Ma, or we're goners.
- Okay.

Who's in charge now?

- Why did you do this?
- We partied away all our cash in Monte Carlo.

Yeah. And the Riviera.

- Plus, we were bored out of our skulls.
- Oh, I can relate, but still--

Hey, hey! Don't sass your elders.
Let's do it, Pa.

- You're coming with me.
- Oh, here we go again. - I got her!

Shut her up, Ma.
So long, suckers.

You know, two can travel
faster than three. Okay!

- Where's the car?
- It's at Dusty's getting a lube job.

- Kick it in.
- I'd rather go through the window.

- What?
- Keep the getaway car nearby, Pa?

How should I know?
It's my first kidnapping.

Excuse me, kidnapper?
I need to use the bathroom.

- You should've thought of that
before we went on the lam. - Hey!

Aha! Gotcha!
I knew it!

You've been messin'
with my cars.

- No, I wasn't. I was--
- How do you like this?

Just like Monaco in '67.

Except I don't have
my own teeth.

- I said-- I said, get in the car!
- I'm not getting in there! - Get in the--

- Let's take the truck!
- Great!

They have a TransAm.
We have a beaten-up truck.

Patti. It's not the size of the dog
in the fight.

It's the size of the fight
in the dog.

- Gun it, Pa!
- You got it, Ma!

- Ma and Pa's Geritol must've just kicked in.
- Yeah!

- Okay, we need to cut 'em off. Get in front of them.
- Then they'll be chasing us!

This will teach you
to mess with me, buddy boy.

- Someone's messed with the car! She won’t turn right.
- Then turn it left.

Oh, my God, did you see that? That was,
like, a 360 twice. In fact, a 720.

I hope you’re happy.
I don't need a bathroom any more.

Into the skid. Into the skid.
Into the skid. Into the skid.

It's the moment we’ve been
waiting for

We're cheek to cheek
on the ballroom floor

- Zeke, that smell is getting worse.
- Tell me something I don't know.

- Try this. All the kids are doing it.
- All the kids are wearing air fresheners now?

- Oh,yeah. It's real cool.
- Cool.

We're gaining on 'em.

You know,
he had the right of way.

Who gave him a gun?

- They're gaining on us, Ma.
- Oh!

- It's a dead end.
- Watch the road.

- It's not him!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry!

- Eh,you swing like a girl.
- Oh,yeah? -Yeah.

Okay, that's it! I'm sick and tired
of you pushin' me, mister!

- I've got something for you.
- Oh,yeah?

- Yeah.
- Well, I've got something for you.

- Oh,yeah?
- Yeah!

And don't drip on my sidewalk.

I'll drip where I want.

I noticed you didn't use
your turn signal.

Oh, great. Smokey's out.

- Everybody better practise their Motown.
- Hang on, DC!

Don’t worry.
The FBI'll fix that. Huh?

Go faster!
Stop hitting things!

- Here.
- Aw,you're so sweet.

We'll always have Paris.

He's smashin' way more stuff
than me.

- Stay down! Stay down!
- What a place to put a window.

- Marvin, we're under attack!
- What’s your longitude and latitude?

The butcher shop.
We're at the butcher shop.

What is it with
these criminals and meat?

Look, there! It says "no left turn."
Can’t you read?

- Oh, shush.
- And your hands are supposed to be at 2.00 and 10.00.

At this point, I'd take
a hundred bucks for her!

This is my favourite jumpsuit.

Hey, come on.
Not in the face.

- Eat paint!
- Eat fuchsia, baldy!

- I'll see you on the street.
- This town has gone totally insane.

Sorry I'm late, folks.
The kitties needed new head shots.

Look at the size
of that cat.

- I hate to bring this up, but Pa's headed straight for--
- The gazebo!

Sorry, ladies!
I like rock and roll!

And so are we!

Man, has Pa gone
post office or what?

She still won't turn right.
We gotta go around again.

- What are you doing?
- I brake for animals!

Zeke! Stop!

DC! That darn cat.

What's happenin' out there?

You and I finally found love,
and it could all be over!

- What a kick in the butt.
- Oh.

- I've come to rescue you!
- I knew you would.

I had to. You're my brother!
Come here, little bro.

- Thanks, Marv! Oh,you know Lu?
- Hello, Marvin.

Yeah.

Lu and you?

You know, Marv!..

Sometimes happiness is right
in your own backyard or butcher shop.

Oh, man.
I threw away all those chops.

Let's get the heck
out of this town.

One, two, three, four, five.

Oh, no!
Somebody call the fire department!

- Holy mackerel!
- Oh, no!

Just a sleepy little town.
I don't see how you stand it.

Low bridge!

Oh!

- Gimme your air freshener!
- No! - Come on.

Now I know
what a sardine feels like.

- Things are gettin' hot around here.
- I think there’s something wrong with the engine.

I was right.

What do you know?
Lu and Marvin finally got it together!

Watch the road, Pa!

Melvin, Melvin! They've knocked
out the lights. Get my flashlight.

One more push,
and this will sign them off!

Don't move!

Okay, okay.
It's gonna be all right.

Yeah!

Freeze!

If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try again--

- I finally left my apartment.
- If you need help, hangup and then dial your operat--

- Guess everything turned out all right, didn't it?
- Yeah, it was real good.

Patti! Oh!

- Miss me?
- H-E-L-L,yes.

- Mmm, I want some ice cream.
- Is a maid worth all this?

- Mr Randall?
- Oh, Officer Kelso. Hi.

- You know--
- Mrs Randall.

- There she is.
- Lizzy!

- Lizzy! Oh, Lizzy!
- Hi.

I-I hope you’re not
expecting to be paid for this week.

Oh, we missed you
so much, so much. Have a Ho Ho.

- Where's my Ding Dongs? Where are my Ding Dongs?
- Two butcher shop windows...

a gazebo, a security office
and a flower stand. All totaled?

Not to mention,
two blown-up gas stations?

So you just had to do things
your own way, huh?

Always alert
and thorough, sir!

Not exactly 24 hours,
but the victim is safe and sound.

And I think your father
would be proud of you.

- W-What's that on your shirt?
- It's lettuce. - Oh.

This is so cool, Patti.

- Pretty scary picture, huh?
- Oh, I think it's good.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
- DC looks good.

Hey, listen, Patti. I'm having a party
at my house tonight.

- Do you wanna come? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay. - Sounds like fun.

Hey, FBI girl!

- Who's that?
- My friend from the Bureau.

- Whoa, a fed.
- Well, I'll see you later tonight.

- Bye. - Bye.
- She's hanging outwith the FBI?

- Man, I'm happy if I see a fire truck.
- No kidding.

Hey, G-man.

W-Wait a minute. Did I see you
talkin' to the locals?

I-I mean,you're gonna lose your
"queen of the freaks" title.

Yeah, well, being queen
is kind of overrated.

So, how-how's it feel
to be popular?

- Well, I'm not complaining.
- Oh.

How's it feel
to be your own man?

Well, at least none of my assignments
include cream and sugar!

How come your name's first?

Well, we've been over this
time and time again.

- You see, it's alphabetical.
- Oh, right, right.

So, uh, where's the fleabag?
He-He-He’s working on another case?

No, his crime-fighting days are over!
He's got other things on his mind now.

Aw!

- That darn cat
- Somedays life is just the way it's supposed to be

Sometimes everything
goes to the dogs

People calling out his name
like he's supposed to care

They call him that darn cat

- That darn cat
- Call him till you're blue

- Just don't expect him to respond
- That darn cat

- Even though it's you he's still a cat
- That darn cat

What would you have him do
go chase a stick out on the lawn

If you want your shoes
go get a Lab

Catch him if you can
Come on,you're just a man

That is that darn cat

- That darn cat
- If you are a mouse

- You'd better run back to your hole
- That darn cat

- If you are a dog you'd better hide
- That darn cat

He's got sharper claws and teeth
and tons of self-control

Most of all
that cat has got his pride

Never leave your side
He'll work for food

Well, that's now
That darn cat

That darn cat

You can yell out all you want
Say here, kitty

Just be sure you got
some tuna fish

He lives the life He likes to let you
think that you're the man

But you know
he's that darn cat

- That darn cat
- And that is that darn cat

- That darn cat
- Farewell to that darn cat

- That darn cat
- Just call him That Darn Cat

- That darn cat
- So Long

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