All language subtitles for Roseanne.S10E07.HDTV.x264-KILLERS[ettv]

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Roseanne, get in here.

What?

You can't just stand on the front porch

staring at your Muslim neighbors.

It just so obvious you're spying on them.

No, it isn't. I've got a rake.

Holding a rake and staring is not a cover.

Raking is a cover.

Now come on.

We need three people

to make this into a fun coupon club.

Otherwise, we're just two poor people

trying to save a nickel on tuna.

Did you see the crazy amount of fertilizer

they got stacked up near their garage?

That's how they make bombs.

What if this is a sleeper
cell full of terrorists

getting ready to blow up our neighborhood?

What proof do you have, Roseanne?

This proof... anytime
something bad happens,

it's always somebody who

lives next door to somebody.

Oh, my God, you figured it out.

Terrorists are always neighbors.

So, all we have to do

is arrest everybody!

I'm telling you, this
is what people from Iraq

and Talibanistan do!

They hide out in
neighborhoods like Lanford.

Don't you watch the news?!

You don't mean the news, you mean Fox News,

and, uh...

there is no Talibanis... Oh, forget it.

Jump in, here, Anne-Marie.

Oh, because I'm black,
I'm the expert on racism?

Oh, geez, I am so sorry.

- I'm willing to learn from my mistakes.
- Well, good.

So, in that case, if you
just give me the 50% off

on this cream cheese, we'll call it even.

If you're so sure they're not terrorists,

go out there and look at how
much fertilizer they've got.

If it makes you shut up and
stop with this, then fine.

That's not that much fertilizer. Hold on.

That is, like, a crazy
amount of fertilizer.

But... it doesn't mean anything.

I'm done talking to you people.

- Hi, Chuck.
- Oh, hey, Rosie.

Dan, our new neighbors

have way too much fertilizer.

After 45 years of marriage,

you run out of things to talk about.

Okay, so neither one of
you are worried about this?

We don't have time.

We're getting ready for this meeting.

They're probably just regular folks

who want to make a home here.

They painted their fence,
they put in a new mailbox.

They have an American flag, for God's sake.

Oh, Dan, I don't know.

I'm gonna have to go
with Rosie on this one.

It sounds like they're
trying a little too hard.

When I drove through the South,

I had a Lynyrd Skynyrd bumper sticker.

Granny Rose! Grandpa Dan!

Hey.

Oh, that's quite an outfit, Mary.

Did Daddy let you dress yourself today?

No.

That's what I figured.

Later, Oscar De la Renta.

So, is it cool if Mary spends
the night with you tonight?

I have a really early appointment

at the V.A. tomorrow in Danville.

You're all mine!

Why are you leaving tonight
if you've got an appointment

in the morning?

'Cause the line will be all
the way down the sidewalk.

A lot of vets live on the sidewalk,

so they have an advantage.

Hey, Deej. Hi, Mary.

Uh, nothing happened to
you in the Army, did it?

You can still see patterns, right?

Okay, I almost forgot.

Tonight is Mary's Skype call with Geena.

It's on Afghanistan time,
so it's 2:00 a.m. here.

That's
oh-two-hundred.

I don't know how to do the Skype

or get up at 2:00 a.m.

After my nighttime meds kick in,

I'm legally dead till 7:00 a.m.

Darlene, will you help
Mom with the Skype call?

Oh, sure, waking Mom at 2:00 a.m.

to explain technology's
kind of what I live for.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, now, you be good tonight for Granny.

- Can't you stay here, too?
- I can't, honey.

Hey, you know what would be super-fun?

An all-girls slumber party
'cause we could put a tent up

in the living room and do
each other's hair and makeup

and watch videos and make brownies

and tell ghost stories.

- That sounds fun.
- That sounds horrible.

But what if I can't sleep?

Well, then, I'll tell you a bedtime story

about two of my dear friends,

applesauce and Benadryl.

I loved that story as a kid.

I can never remember how it ends.

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"Roseanne" is taped in
front of a live audience.

Me llamo Becky.

What can I get you?

Don't try to pronounce anything,
just point to the pictures.

Okay, but just so you
know, when you get it,

it won't look like that.

Make it two.

Nothing for me. Thanks.

Check it out, Al.

I got these little "sign
here" stickers for you

so you'll know just where to sign.

I will need those back, though.

All you got to do is sign,
give us a deposit check...

And in three months, your apartments

will have beautiful drywall

that your renters can knock
holes in and spackle badly.

The savages.

Uh, listen, Dan, Chuck,

I-I wanted to come here
and tell you in person.

I'm not gonna be able to go
with you guys on this one.

What's the problem, Al?
My guys are lined up.

We've done a dozen jobs for
you. You've always been happy.

And we work for union minimum.
Nobody's gonna beat that, Al.

Somebody did, and I can't pass it up.

Beat my bid?

They must be going non-union.

Oh, Al, you're not hiring illegals?

Uh, Dan, please say "undocumented workers"

until our tamales get out here.

I'm sorry, guys.

Hey, look, uh...

order lunch, put it on my account, okay?

- Uh...
- Sorry.

Oh, man!

I'm not really hungry now.

Me either.

But I think we should leave
the waitress a $300 tip.

This is some of my best work.

Done.

Hey, I've got a mustache.

Ha ha ha ha! I'm Mom.

Hey, Mark, pretend you're
still painting her mustache.

I want to get a picture.

Do you want me to take the
picture so you can be in it?

No screens!

There's your kid. Look at him.

A point that could have been made

without throwing the center
of my life across the room.

- Brownies are ready.
- Ooh!

Oh, great. Here's one for you, Mom.

Don't think I won't eat that later.

So, is it time to talk to my mom yet?

No yet. It's only 10:00.

Hey, Aunt Jackie, got
any good ghosted stories?

I love ghost stories.

No, no. Ghosted stories.

They're a little different, Mary, but...

they're very scary.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

There was this guy.

I went out with him three times and...

Now I know that's made up.

I'll tell a good one.

This one is called

"The Last Sleepover."

Once upon a time, there was a little girl,

and she was having a sleepover
with two of her cousins.

Wow, you really know how
to take us to another place.

Shut up, or you will be eaten first!

Who's gonna eat her?

The monster that roams the
neighborhood every night,

looking for brownies.

And nobody ever heard the monster coming.

Except for a car door slamming,

and only the little girl heard it.

I heard it?

And then, the monster came
in the little girl's house...

and all they heard was a door creaking.

And then the monster
said what he always says

just before he eats all the children...

Hey!

Aaah!

Sorry about that. I stepped on a phone.

Yeah, yeah, that job...
turns out it fell through.

I'll take anything you got.

And then they went bankrupt
and lost their house.

What happened?

I got underbid on Al's
job. He's using illegals.

What? We needed that money.

It ain't right, Rosie.

Those guys are so desperate,
they'll work for nothing,

and we're getting screwed in the process.

It's Al that sucks. He's taking advantage.

All's I know is we can't pay our bills.

Too late.

I thought the money was for sure,

so I sent out the checks
a couple of days ago.

I always try to pay the
final "Final Notice" on time.

I hear that's good for your credit.

Great. Now they're all gonna bounce.

Not all. I mean, there's enough
money to cover one.

Round and round it goes.

Who gets paid, nobody knows.

Well, at least the kids

are getting used to sleeping in a tent.

We got that working for us.

Roseanne.

Roseanne.

We have a problem.

That's all we ever have, Jackie.

You got to be more specific.

We were all set up for
Mary to Skype with her mom,

and then your Wi-Fi cut off,
and she's starting to freak out.

Oh, my God.

That Internet check must've bounced.

But maybe there's a good chance

we can show our face at Sears again.

All right, last time this happened,

we just used the Gerskis' Wi-Fi.

Oh, that's nice. The neighbors
gave you their password?

No, we figured it out.

It was StopUsingOurWifi123.

There's no Gerski network on here.

Well, I know. The Gerskis moved away.

Now the terrorists are living there.

Oh, my God, Mom, you
have no reason to believe

those people want to hurt you.

They'd have to get to know you first.

The only signal strong
enough is called Al-Harazi.

That's got to be their last name.

Or it's an Arabic word that
means "stop using our Wi-Fi."

So, all we have to do
is guess the password.

Try "DeathToAmerica".

This is ridiculous.

Nope.

Okay, "DeathToAmerica123".

Hey, we're in!

Really?

No! This is ridiculous.

I need to talk to my mom. It's almost time!

Calm down, baby. We'll figure it out.

We could be here forever trying
to break into their Wi-Fi.

You have to go over there, Roseanne,

and politely ask those
people to borrow the password.

Oh, my God, I'm not
gonna go to somebody's house

at 2:00 in the morning.

I'm not gonna get to talk to her,

and my stomach hurts.

Okay, fine.

I'll go and wake up the enemies of America.

We should bring something.

We can't just go over there empty-handed.

You're right.

Normal doorbell.

Who is it?

Uh, it's Roseanne Conner.

I-I'm your neighbor from next door.

One moment.

Gimme that.

Nice work, Jackie.

Uh, here's a plant.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Um, we know that this is a crazy time

to wake somebody up,

but, you see, our Wi-Fi went out,

and we need to make an
emergency Skype call.

And we were just wondering
if you could be so kind

as to, uh, lend us your password.

Are you drunk?

No, no. That's really the
reason why we came over.

But "drunk" is a good
guess on any other night.

I'm Fatima Al-Harazi, and
this is my husband, Samir.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was so rude of us.

I'm Jackie, Roseanne's sister.

I'm a certified life coach

if you're having any trouble assimilating.

Not now, Jackie!

Yeah, well, my little
granddaughter, you know,

she needs to talk to her mother,

and it's a whole other
time zone and everything

'cause her mom's in Afghanistan.

What does she do in Afghanistan?

Uh...

She's in the Army.

If you guys have any family
over there, let us know,

and we'll put in a good
word with the drone people.

We're from Yemen.

Oh, good. Yemen's not even
on the travel ban list.

Yes, it is.

Roseanne, why don't you
just bring your granddaughter

over here to Skype.

The signal will be much stronger.

Over here?

Uh, well, n-no, we couldn't.

W-We've already imposed on you enough.

You don't want us to see the Skype,

so we'll know where in Afghanistan

her mother is, right?

Because you think we'll
find out her coordinates

and give them to our
ISIS friends on Facebook.

You see, they hate us.

We don't hate you.

We're scared of you.

Yeah, we're scared of you, too.

Well, we have way more
reason to be scared of you.

How do you explain all that
fertilizer in your yard?

That's because genius
over here doesn't know

every time you click on
the Amazon order button,

you're putting another
50-pound bag in the cart!

What's happening?

Kazim, go back to bed.

Everything is fine.

Okay.

Wow, you only told him once,

and he listened right away.

I hate to ask how you discipline him

'cause that looks like a bulletproof vest.

Yes, it is.

Some people yelled

some pretty terrible
things at us the other day,

and he started to have nightmares.

Helps him feel safer.

"Go Cubs".

Thank you. And, uh...

"Yay Yemen".

That's the password... "Go Cubs".

We're big baseball fans.

Oh, that is so funny
because you should hear

what we were guessing that your pass...

No.

Well, it's so kind of you,
and we really appreciate it.

Thank you so much.

It's the right thing to do.

The ignorance of adults
shouldn't punish children.

- Hey, son.
- Hey, Dad.

11:00 a.m. beer, huh?

Well, it's 9:00 a.m.
somewhere. Pass one over.

How was the V.A.?

It's a lot like Black Friday.

Except instead of waiting for a cheap TV,

everybody's waiting for a cheap doctor.

They give you a clean bill of health?

Yeah, it wasn't just a check-up.

I started seeing a therapist.

Oh?

You want to talk about it?

- Not really.
- Good.

I felt like a girl asking.

I've just been going through some stuff

since I got discharged.

Well, that's probably normal.

That's got to be confusing,

trying to figure out what to do next.

No, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

I wanted to re-up. They wouldn't take me.

Really? I didn't think
they turned down anybody.

That was probably better as
a thought than a statement.

Yeah, I told them I wanted to continue

defending our country,

and they said, "We're good."

How'd you know I needed a 3/16th?

Dad, I've been out here watching
you rebuild bikes and drink

since I was 5.

I'm real good at both now.

Well, hell, maybe you and
I should restore some bikes,

maybe make a few bucks.

I know I could use it.

What do you say?

Okay.

Maybe you could hand
me the tools for a change.

If you're saying, "Will
I watch you do the work

while I pound brewskis?"

I say, "Welcome to Conner and Son."

Hello.

Oh, hi.

How you doing?

A little tired. I was up at 2:00.

Sorry about that.

Uh, EBT card.

You can't buy prepared
food with food stamps.

Why not? It's food.

The government doesn't
want to pay for it because

they think that prepared
food is a "luxury item."

You know how rich people
have yachts and summer homes?

We have pre-cooked chicken.

That's $75.43.

It says "insufficient
funds." You're $30 short.

Um...

I didn't know.

Sorry.

Maybe the American taxpayers
forgot to fill it up last week.

Excuse me?

I'm an American taxpayer sometimes.

Put it on my EBT card.

You don't need to do that.

Well, we're stealing your cable,

so this probably makes us even.

Maybe you can help her carry the groceries

out to her camel, too.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know that saying,

"See something, say something"?

Well, I saw something,

and I'm gonna say
something to your manager.

You are ignorant.

That woman is twice the
person you'll ever be.

And she's dealing with a lot of stuff

you don't even know about.

So, next time she comes in the store,

you keep your damn mouth shut.

She's got enough fertilizer
to turn this place

into a smoking hole in the ground.

Now, will you take a
coupon from another store?

What's your 20, Geena?

It looks like you're out
there in the midst of it, huh?

We do that to mask our location.

It's pretty cool.

I miss you so much, Mommy.

And I miss my sweet pea. I
think about you every day.

Is there anything else
you want to tell me about?

Granny Rose says we're
stealing the Muslims' Wi-Fi.

Actually, so am I.

You know, one thing I
always wondered about, Geena.

When you're, like, over there,

how... how do you tell

who's dangerous and who isn't?

The people who answer their
doors are usually okay,

but I'm not living somewhere
as scary as Lanford.

That's what I always tell Jackie.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

What's wrong, Samir?

My wife told me you lent her $30.

Here.

Did you have to bring it
back at 2:00 in the morning?

Oh, yes.

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