All language subtitles for New.Girl.S07E05.720p.WEB.x264-TBS[eztv]-eng

- Mmm.
- Can you two

please tell us why you summoned us here?

Thank you for coming. It is appreciated,

especially since Aly is on bed rest.

We brought you here today
to choose a godparent.

Oh, yes! Sorry. I'm sorry. Carry on.

Now, on my side,
we have my entire network

of good friends. Friends so close,

I consider them family.

And on my side, we have Leslie.

- I'm all she's got.
- Oh, boy.

All right, everybody,
please line up in formation.

Winston, I don't have time for this.
It's my first day back at

Ass Strat tomorrow. I should be
moisturizing and making dreams.

Schmidt, we didn't choose you.

- You may face the wall.
- Dork!

- Watch it.
- Cece,

we didn't choose you either.
Reason being is your friendship

is too important to ruin by
making you our baby's godmother.

Mm-hmm. Why do I feel
like your lips are moving

- but Aly's doing the talking?
- Sorry.

- Nick?
- I got a good feeling about this.

Face the wall.

Ooh. This ain't over.

Leslie,

you may face the wall.

- Ha-ha-ha! Suck it, bitch!
- Leslie,

you lost.

Leslie is confused.

And now the moment of truth.

Jessica Day,

will you be our baby's godmother?

Yes, I will.

Why is Leslie still dancing?

Leslie.

- Hey, now we're both godparents.
- What?

Nick, for the hundredth time,
you are not Ruth's godfather.

Yes, I am, for the hundred
and one time... first time.

First of all, Jews and Hindus
do not have godparents.

And even if we did,
we would not choose you.

Ruth is not a fan.

Ruth doesn't like me?

She sees you more
as a dimwitted raccoon.

Well, my mind is blown.
This is a game changer.

Okay, everyone leave.

Okay, that was a waste of time.

We got a babysitter for this?

Jess, can you stay back for a moment?

Yeah. You chose wisely.

I will revolutionize being a godparent.

Your son will be my Cinderell... o.

We'll be reviewing
your performance weekly.

You can be replaced.

Heavy is the head that holds the crown,

but strong are the neck muscles
that hold up said head.

Ooh.

Cigarette!

- Well done.
- Well done.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Uh, before I move on to
the next slide, let me just say

thank you for agreeing
to stay at home this week

while I get back in the saddle at work.

Now, you need to pick up Ruth
at 2:00 p.m. on the dot.

The three pillars of the pickup

are gate code, sign out, and lunch,

which needs to be
a peanut butter sandwich,

otherwise, she will shut down and go

- full armadillo.
- Yeah, I got it.

Pick her up, drop her off.

- How hard can it be?
- Well, first of all,

you got it backwards.

You drop off in the morning,

you pick up in the after... I'm sorry.

I'm a little stressed out.
I know that I said

that I would go back to work
when Ruth started school,

which, look, I'm-I'm excited about.

But I've been out of the game
for a while,

and I've become accustomed

to a different type of lifestyle.

Daddy was gonna get
into that party no matter what,

so I jumped over the hedge.

Of course. It was Prince!

You get it.

We'll be fine. What you see
as a life-or-death mission,

I see as a week off with my daughter.

Wrong again. Buckle up.

These should cover
your first four hours.

Okay, I'm off.

Yeah, you need to go. Okay?

Now get.

I'm excited.
I shaved my entire body last night.

I feel like I could
ride the wind to work.

And here comes a contraction.

Thank you for filling in for Aly.

- Of course. I'm the godmother.
- And one, two,

three, primal scream.

Oh, my God! That's a big hea... Sorry.

Okay, and now let's practice

some pelvic tilts on the birthing ball.

Oh.

Excuse me. I-I realize you

didn't get me one, so I'm gonna
go ahead and get my own.

Uh...

- Got the big boy.
- Yeah.

Whew! You know what's crazy
is you're gonna be

a father any day now.

- Yeah, it kind of snuck up on me.
- Yeah, you better get ready,

'cause you're gonna get on
the Dad Train soon.

Dad-dad!

"No getting off this train."

- You okay?
- Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

Well, all right.

Who would like to demonstrate
how to hold a baby?

Any takers? What about you?

Oh, not me. That baby's creep city.

Winnie, you're up.

Me? Oh. Yeah.

- Let's go, Dad.
- Okay.

Hold it like this?

- Cradle the head.
- Cradle it. Yeah.

Well, look at you.

I promise to love and protect you.

Nobody's ever gonna hurt
my goochy, goochy...

- Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Okay, and...

I'm sorry. I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna fix him. I'm not ready.

- No.
- Here, put that back.

Put that back inside of you.
I don't want no part of that.

Look at us,
the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt.

God, I forgot how much I despise you.

We're gonna need your thoughts
on a new salsa account,

- so get up to speed.
- Oh, I am up to speed on salsa.

Now heads up, Schmidt,
things have changed here.

It's not the same office you left.

Ass Strat has been taken over

by a Tokyo-based conglomerate.

Are the toilets also Japa...

Yes.

"Cecilia, you're
playing your music too loud."

What's that, babe? Yeah, you know,

I can't hear you out here with...

- Oh, my God!
- What, are we having a laundry party?

- What is that?!
- This?

It's just a bear
I found outside the loft.

Yeah, I brought it for my girl Ruth.

Well, she's at school right now,
and I have

15 binders worth of stuff to do
that Schmidt has left for me

- before I go pick her up.
- Oh, that's perfect.

I'll just pick her up.
I'll pick her up from school.

I don't need your help picking
up my daughter from school.

Okay?

All right, well,
would you please tell her

that I left this bear for her
so she knows it was from me?

- Mm-mm.
- Ugh.

- What?
- There's ants all over its neck.

- What?
- Oh!

There's more ants. Every time
it gets hit, more ants come out.

Okay. All right.

Hey, buddy.

So, two things. Um, first of all,

we're not welcome back in the class.

And, second, they're billing you
for all ten classes.

Jess, what if I'm not ready
to be a father?

Winston, that was a fake baby.

Real babies' heads

- don't come off like that.
- Jess, I was

in that class and it made me realize

that this baby is coming.

What happens when I'm in that hospital

and I see my son's face
for the first time,

coming out of Aly's butt?
What am I gonna do?

What if there's something
that I don't know?

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but ever since I found out
Aly was pregnant,

I keep thinking about my dad.

That clown? He left you guys.

I know. It makes absolutely no sense,

but I keep thinking,
what does he look like?

You know? Does he think about me?

Does he have a small group
of white friends like me?

Well, have you thought about,
you know, reaching out to him again?

I keep thinking, in
a perfect world, I wouldn't have

to track down my dad
and risk getting rejected.

He would just...

Magically show up.

Exactly.

- Sturdy.
- Hey, Winston!

Looking good.

You don't have to gas me up, Jess.

I've been at this thing for three hours.

- It is all legs.
- Yeah.

Look, I just wanted
to tell you something,

and that is that when you're alive...

Sometimes your friends
think that you're... No.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
Your dad's outside.

Okay, that's a weird joke.

Yeah, that's not a joke.

He is, um... he's outside.
At this moment.

Well, how the hell did you find him?

Well, it was a journey.
Basically, I Googled his name,

and here we are.

- Oh.
- Listen,

if it would make you feel better
to talk to your dad,

then I think you should.

Yeah, I'll go talk to him.
I wonder if...

Nah.

Okay. "Hey, D... Hey, Pop.

"You want to shake my...
You want to shake my...

Your hand looks like my hand."

He'll be like, "What's up, son?"

I'll be like, "Don't call me son."

- Uh-huh.
- "Don't call me son." You know?

"But I love you so much. I miss...

I've never seen you."
I don't know what he looks like.

Or I can tell him to leave.

No.

No. It's fine.

He's my dad.

I'll tell him.

Say what you got to say, son.

Daddy!

- Get it out. Yeah.
- Oh, my... My God.

- Look at that.
- Look at that.

- Look at that!
- Look at that!

Look at that! Oh, come on, now.

- Come on!
- Come on, now.

Be feeling like I'm-a stand up in here.

- Come on, now!
- Come on, now.

Okay. Kids' toys.

I got this.

Okay, I got that.

Go for Nick.

Uh, hey, Nick. Where are you?

I'm at home making a goodie bag
for my favorite little girl.

Um, listen to me. Uh, I actually...

I need your...

help picking up Ruth from school.

Oh. Isn't this interesting?

Last time I checked, you didn't need

old Nick Miller's help.

Hold a minute
while old Nick Miller laughs

- and says, "Well, well, well."
- Nick.

Please. Okay, I...

Nick.

- Listen to me...
- Well, well, well.

Looks like you do need old Nicky's help.

Please. Please. Listen to me.

Okay, Nick, I forgot

my phone at the house, and that phone

has the gate code

- that will let me into the school...
- Hold on.

If you forgot your phone at home,

then tell me this:

what are you calling me on?

A stranger's phone, okay?

Ruth's lunch

is next to my phone,

and I forgot her lunch, too,
so just bring both, okay?

Got it. Also...

Welcome back, Mr. Schmidt.

I cannot wait

to hear your pitch on the salsa account.

Uh, take it away.

I'd love to. Thank you so much.

Let's talk about salsa.

It's a sauce.

Or it...

Uh...

Uh, I actually have to take this.

So-so sorry.

- Hello?
- Daddy, come pick me up.

Mommy isn't here yet.

What do you mean,
Mommy's not... It's 2:30.

What is she do...?

Okay, um...

Daddy's on his way.

I actually have to step out
for just a second.

You know, in preparation
for this meeting,

I ate an entire jar of salsa,
and it is...

sliding right through me.

Ah, come on.

Hey, little girl.

Hi.

- You want to open the gate for me?
- No.

No? You want... Let me see what I got.

A peanut butter sandwich?

You want a peanut butter sandwich?

Come here me a sec. Give me a sec.

Look at this, look at this.

Come over here,
eat the peanut butter sandwich.

Open the gate. Look.

Mmm. So yummy.

Come... come on, come on.
Where you going?

Hey! Little girl!

Come on, little girl, please.

Where you going? Ah. No.

Hey! What are you doing?

Oh, I was just trying
to get a little girl

out of here.

I want to be a girl's godfather.

So, godfathers can basically make rules

and do things with little kids

when their parents aren't around.

- What? Excuse me?!
- And also, they love me.

- You sick bastard.
- No, no.

- You're coming with me.
- No, no.

Peanut butter sandwich. Disgusting.

Stop! Kids love me.

I'm a famous author.

Hey, he's with me. I'm a parent.

- Parent.
- Yeah.

No worries. I'm, uh, I'm a parent.

Okay, so what's the gate code, then?

Gate code is four...

- three... seven...
- You're guessing.

- He's onto us, Cece! Run! Hyah!
- Hey.

I'm coming for you, Ruth!

Here comes your godfather!

Oh, my God.

Is that it?

- Wait, hold up, hold on now.
- H-Hold up.

- Hold up, boy.
- You got bees on your shirt.

- I got birds on my shirt.
- Birds and the bees, baby.

- Birds and the bees!
- Come on, now.

My boy!

Hey, Aly.

- What are you doing out of bed?
- I heard

a man's voice and wanted to know
if you were cheating on Nick

in the bedroom of my future child.

Well, big news: I found Winston's dad.

In there.

You want to wrestle?

Take off your pants, Dad!

- You know what we like?
- What?

Those two black dudes from This Is Us.

That's not Winston's dad.

What?

I saw his picture on the database

at the station. I know this.
That's not him!

Huh.

Jess, who is that man in my house

pretending to be Winston's dad?

His name is Van Bishop.

But did he say he was Winston's dad?

I showed him a picture of Winston,

and he burst into tears.

- So no.
- I'm sorry.

Winston was freaking out

about being a father and kept saying

he wished he could meet his dad.

Of course you can sleep over, Dad.

The couch lets out.

Love you, son.

- I love you, too, Pop.
- Mm-mm. This is bad.

They are getting closer every minute.

You need to fix this right now.

Okay, Aly, I got this.

If you don't, when I have the strength

to wrap these hands
around your tiny little neck,

I will do so.

And I will smile.

- This is all your fault.
- This is all your fault.

- Don't talk to me, okay?
- No, don't talk to me.

Now you're just gonna sit there
and mimic me?

Don't do the thing with the hands.

- Grow up!
- You grow up!

- Are you kidding me right now?
- Are you kidding me?

- Don't talk to me.
- Don't do the Cece to me.

Don't do the Nick to me.

Mommy!

- Hey!
- Uncle Nick.

Hi, honey. I am so sorry.

You must be hungry. Right?

No worries, 'cause Uncle Nick

- has your sandwich.
- I do. I have your sandwich.

Here you go.

You ate it.

The truth is I sat on it.

Maybe I took a bite.
I took a couple bites.

- I ate a lot of it.
- You know what? It gonna be...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

She is going full armadillo.

I need my phone. Give me my phone.

Well, I'm her godfather.

- I'm not a fisherman's vest.
- No.

What you are is the human equivalent

of the crack between two couch cushions.

Grab her. I'm gonna go start the car.

So, anyway, I'm on the back of a Jet Ski

- with Cornel West.
- Mm-hmm.

And he tells me, "Hey, you're
leaning too far to the left."

I said, "No, you leaning
too far to the left."

Oh!

I see what you did. I see it.

Y'all talking about Cornel West?

- Dad's got stories for days.
- I bet.

I bet. Anyway,
why don't we button mash this

for next week and, um, Van,
I can give you a ride home.

Wait, what? No.

No, no, no, no. He just got here.

You know, I want to talk
about the old days in Chicago.

Never been there. Garbage city.

Yeah, it has its bad parts,

but, you know, the education
system is getting...

- Wait. You've never been there?
- Never been there.

You know what?
I totally know what he means,

because I feel like sometimes

I've never been to L.A.,
and I live here.

You know what I mean?
Like, ask me where the ocean is.

"Uh, to the left?" I don't know.

- Should we hit the road?
- Jess?

What's going on?

Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out.

Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth?

Brown hair, smile that would
shake the earth, hates peas?

A white man broke in today.

A... a white man?! No!

Well, what did security do about it?!

- Nothing.
- Typical!

I'm calling Cece.

Go for Brian.

Who the heck is Brian?! Where's Cece?!

All right, Ruth,

let's find something
to play with inside this, uh,

pillowcase of crap your future
godfather brought you.

- Oh, God. Okay.
- There's this thing.

- Put that down.
- Yeah, put that down right there.

Look at this! We got an old beeper.

You can pretend to be a-a doctor,

or a late '90s drug dealer.

- What's a drug dealer?
- Don't give her that.

Gah, Ma, stop being such a narc.

Okay, thank God you're alive.

Of course we're alive.
What are you doing here?

I went to the school; Ruth wasn't there.

They told me a white man
tried to hop the fence,

and some man named Brian
answered your phone.

- Hi.
- What happened?

- Nick ate her sandwich.
- I had one bite of her sandwich.

Guess, technically, "inhaled" it.

- I didn't inhale it!
- Guys, please.

It's not a big deal.
I'll make her another sandwich.

No, you won't.

About that. So...

We're out of peanut butter.

What do you mean,
we're out of peanut butter?

I know. Okay,
there was just too much to do.

- And those binders. It is not possible!
- I do this every day.

You see, that's when
the-the Chicago Cubs won the

World Series, and, uh, all the
players signed it.

I need you to just be careful, 'cause
it's worth a lot of money.

I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't...

- Did Nick fix our child?
- What are you doing?

- Just making it pretty.
- You're ruining it.

Your face ruined it!
You're a dumb raccoon.

- Accurate.
- Oh. As a godfather,

I got to push through that.

Ooh, that's work.

- I got to go back.
- What about spa time?

I need to zap my frown lines.

Oh. Uh, honey.

You know what, honey?

We can do pretend Botox
on another day, okay?

Why?

Because Daddy has to go sell

a Mexican product to Americans

so that Japanese people

can make money.

I'm sorry.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Jess, is he not my dad?
- Is he not my son?

Before I answer that,
I want you guys to know

I had an accomplice in this,
and her name is Google.

Maybe I'm a little confused here.

I called you "Dad," you called me "son"

for hours. I sat on your lap.

We ate pistachios together.

I love pistachios. She told me

that you were my son,
and I believed her.

I mean, you could be.
The '80s were a blur.

And I toured the country
in a Van Morrison cover band.

You did? Did you play
the Portland Rec Center?

Oh, maybe. It was a wild time back then.

♪ Hide behind a rainbow wall ♪

♪ Slipping and sliding all along ♪

♪ The waterfall with you ♪

♪ My brown-eyed girl ♪

♪ You are my ♪

♪ Brown-eyed girl ♪

I can't, I can't, uh...

I-I got to go.
I can't, I can't be here right now.

Oh!

- Oh.
- Ooh!

♪ Brown-eyed girl ♪

Mr. Yukimura, uh, I apologize.

- Sell me some salsa.
- Okay, here we go.

Well, what do we know about salsa?

We know that it's a gift...

from another culture.

Schmidt?!

Are you with us?

Yes. Uh, it's just...

You don't know how important
salsa is until it's gone.

You keep it in the back of
your fridge, taking for granted

that it'll be there.

But once it's gone,

you realize you can't go
a single day without it.

Señor Cha Cha's Salsa:

the salsa that belongs
in the front of your fridge.

Sure. Throw in a dragon
with a sombrero and I'm in.

Great job.

Moshi moshi.

Hi, Mama Bear and Papa Bear.

Goldilocks is here with an apology,

- and it's gonna be just right.
- Aly?

- Uh-huh.
- Will you please tell Jess to leave?

You're not gonna talk to her?

It's okay. Winston can
talk to me when he's ready.

Baby, she didn't do it on purpose.

It's not her fault that she has
zero detective skills,

and there's another Van Bishop
in Los Angeles.

Which is crazy.

- Her heart was in the right place.
- It was, and

should I have let a strange man
in the house? No!

Will it take a very long time
for you to forgive me?

Yes. Years.

Okay. I get it.

I'll go. Um...

I think this belongs to Leslie now.

For what it's worth, you are
more prepared to be a father

than anyone I know,
and that includes Schmidt.

And look, you'll have
good days and bad days.

But you'll never be alone.

And just remember,
you don't have to have had a dad

to be a great dad.

Here.

Thank you. I won't let you down.

And you know what your mom looks like,

so I'm never gonna present you

- with a fake mom...
- Mm.

- I'll stop.
- Too soon.

Hey, family,

I've been sitting on the curb
the last two hours, thinking.

Look, I know I'm not your real dad,

but a part of me wishes I was.

You know, you're a hell of a kid.

So if you ever need somebody
to play catch with you,

or give you the real deal

when you step out of line,
give me a call.

Nah, dawg. I'm good.

That makes sense.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Am I still wearing makeup?

You look like my grandmother
right before she went insane.

Good, great.

I'm sorry I went overboard
with the binders before.

No, no. I'm sorry.

I honestly don't know how
you do this every single day.

How was work?

- Frickin' crushed it.
- Oh, great.

- And I think I want to quit.
- What? Really?

I just kept wishing that I was
here, taking care of Ruth.

It's the best job I've ever had.

What would you think if...
I was home full-time?

I think that anything
that makes you happy

and keeps those binders away from me,

that's what you should do.

Aah!

- What is that?! Bear!
- Yeah.

And stay out!

You bear!

It's all clear, honey! I got rid of him!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com