All language subtitles for Gallagher.An.Uncensored.Evening.1981.480p.DVDRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.LT]

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[Gallagher]
Are you ready?

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

Here I come.
You ready?

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting
the incredible... me.

[audience cheering]

Yay.

Yay.

Ta-da.

[cheering continues]Thank you.

[cheering continues]

[cheering continues]

All right,
all right, all right.

All right, all right.
You get the job.

[audience]
Yeah!All right.

Well, this here
is my corner bar.

Drinks on the street,
free comedian.

You got two.
You don't got none.

It don't matter.

We're here to just
talk about the world

and go back and forth
on the street here

and have a couple
of drinks.

Not everybody
has a drink.

How come you don't have--
What is your name?

[man]
My name's
Larry Spector.

You're real proud
of that, ain't ya?

Well, now--[audience applauding,
cheering]

Who is sitting behind him?
What is your name, man?

No, you, you.
A man. Man.
When I say "man"--

Randy Smith.Your name is Randy Smith.

See, Rand-ay. Rand-ay.

You know, not Randy Smith!
It's Randy.

Randy, you don't have
a drink?

[Randy]
They didn't bring me one.

I know it.

[audience laughing]

We need to set
you up better.

[cheering, laughing]

Huh?

You're tipping.

Well, whose was this?
We need some more drinks
in here.

[audience shouting,
cheering]

Now, you probably
don't know this,

but you are what you drink,
unless you throw it up.

Then you're a mess.
Right, Randy?

But don't get
the feeling

that you have to
be self-conscious
about being a mess.

People think cleanliness
is next to godliness.

It ain't.
I looked it up
in the dictionary.

"Goggles" is
next to "godliness."

"Cleanliness" is next
to "claustrophobia"
and "cleavage."

You can look it up.

People are always telling you
stuff you don't need to know.

Aren't they
telling you that?[man] Yeah.

I forgot your name.

You're Larry.
You're Randy Spector?

Right.

I didn't forget it,
did I?

What do you do
for a living?

I manage entertainers.

Well, if one comes by,
we'll talk.

That's okay.

Well, then you know about
people telling you stuff

you don't need
to know, right?

People are always
telling you that.

They'll tell you
to eat before you go
to the grocery store,

that way you
don't buy so much.

That don't work with
a liquor store, does it?

No. You go there drunk,
you buy everything they got.

Let me have that
55-gallon drum of Ripple

right there, will ya?

[audience laughing]

You sound like
you're in a good mood.
You people into food much?

[audience]
Yes.You into food?

Healthy people?[audience]
Yeah.

A lot of people think
that I'm a--

that I'm a vegetarian.

[audience laughing]

But I ain't.
I like wiener.

Now--

[audience cheering,
applauding]

You must like wieners, too.

A lot of people
lead a pure life

will tell you not to eat this
'cause it contains chemicals.

But that's just the reason
that you should eat it,

'cause if you lead
a pure life,

you don't get no chemicals
in your body.

Then you get a little
of this by accident,

it's gonna lay
your ass out dead.

See, I'm building up
a resistance right now.

Who wants to build up
a resistance? Anybody?

Want a wiener up there?[audience shouting]

[audience members
shouting]

Hey, Reggie Jackson
don't hit a home run
every time, does he?

No. It's terrible,
though, this meat.

Look at you people smoking,
being all healthful

and just letting all that smoke
go up in the air like that.

It stunts your growth.

That's why men
do it after sex.

Why, you're a cigar
smoker, ain't ya?

Don't look around.
There ain't a woman.

What is your name?

[man]
Craig.Craig.

Yeah.Good name.

What's your name?Gallagher.

Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

How long have you been
in the cigar area?

About a year.About a year now?

Yeah.Did you move up
from cigarettes?

No.

You just went
right into cigar--Yeah.

What the--
[mutters]

[audience laughing,
murmuring]

Do you see what
he has over there?

Now, what did
your mother tell you?

If you can't bring enough for
everybody, don't get it out.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

And smoking a cigar
on top of that.

How can you handle
these two things?

Smoke it in this.Oh.

And drinking
in the other hand.
Damn.

If you had another hand,
you'd need another drug,
wouldn't you?

[audience laughing]

You ever wonder
what it'd be like if you
did have another hand?

Ever hear people say,
"I only got two hands"?

Where the hell
would you put another one?

Put one right out
the middle,

that way--

[audience laughing]

Well, that way you could
lean forward at the--

in the bathroom
and use both hands,
couldn't you?

[audience laughing]

Or if you're
at a cocktail party,

you could carry your food
and have your drink
right there,

and it'd be good.

I'm always thinking
about things like that

'cause I don't believe
the human body is perfect.

It isn't perfect.
Take your nose, for example.

You think it's a good idea
to put a wet, drainy thing
like that

upside down
over your mouth?

No. It's unsafe.
It's unsanitary.

If the health department
saw it, you'd have 10 days
to fix it or move out, right?

Where else could you
put your nose?

Everyplace out of the way
has got kind of a stink.

You couldn't put it there.
You couldn't put it there.

You could switch it
with your belly button,

that way your face would look
like a bowling ball, you know?

Then every time you sneezed,
your zipper would whistle

and you coke freaks
would have a soda straw
hanging out your fly.

[laughing, cheering]

Wouldn't it be neat
if the parts of your body
really were parts?

You could mix and match
and move stuff around,
take it off,

send it out,
get it chromed.

Say you're laying in bed
on a Saturday morning,

and your woman says,
"Get your ass out of bed."

You go, "Here, take it.
Leave me alone."

You could ask her for a piece.
You might just get it.

[audience laughing]

Be okay, wouldn't it?

Although your hand
is perfect.

God in His infinite wisdom

made you a little
tool kit here.

Only He knew you'd need
something just this size

for cleaning out your ear.

This one here--

Well, this one here
goes right up your nose,
if you noticed that.

This one's for the wedding.
And this one, of course,
is for the divorce.

How many are--

I always thought it'd be neat
if you could take your arms off
when you go to bed.

They always fall asleep
before I do.

I wish I could just
pick it up, hang it up.

What would you hang
the other one up with?

[audience laughing]

I was thinking the other day,
if your knees bent
the other way,

what would a chair
look like?

You people ain't thinking
about this stuff, are ya?

Well, you ain't
smoking good shit.

Right?

[audience shouting replies]

I'm not advocating using
any illegal smoking materials

by members of our society
that do not wish to do so,

although I think it's
a good idea for old people.

It makes
the time go slow.

It could add years
to retirement.

Get your grandma
a lid of Colombian
and a ton of yarn,

and you get back an afghan
to cover the garage.

Go, Granny, go!

Although, I guess Colombian
is a pretty expensive gift

to be just giving
your grandma, you know.

Even Colombian grown
in this country is expensive.

[audience laughing]

You might get some
of that, too, right?

Fifty dollars, shit.

[audience laughing]

I ought to drag it out here.
If you're gonna pay $50
a lid for shit,

you ought to use it
in your show so you can
write it off your income tax.

I put it down
under transportation.

[laughing]

You know, when
my stomach's upset, gang,

I have Hershey's
chocolate syrup.

Now, it don't
do much for gas,

but it makes every burp
a chocolate surprise.

Mm, mm!

You know, chocolate goes
to a place in your brain

right next to sex.

If you can't get screwed,
have a Snickers.

[audience laughing]

Well, how many know they're
having a Snickers tonight?

All right, who gets
a Snickers now?

[shouting]Snickers over there.
Snickers there.

Snickers there.
We got some Snickers.

We got Snickers.

All of those people
that are not getting--

Look at you.
How beautiful,
and you're not getting no--

I didn't get any Snickers.I know it.

That's my question.
Why in the hell are you
having a Snickers tonight?

Look at you.

Are you here with a girlfriend--
Is that your boyfriend
next to you?

I'll throw you a candy bar
if I'm damn sure you ain't
doing nothing tonight.

[audience laughing]

All right.

All right! Whoo!

[applauding]

Want another one?Whoo!

I think she just
does stuff for candy.

What is your name?Rita. Rita-- Her--

Herbst? Don't--

When anybody else asks
your name, just say "Rita."

Herbst is something that,
you know, is--

We're living in a society
that's very sexually confusing.

You really don't know.[man]
Why?

Well, because
you just don't know.

What with the idea
of transsexuals,

I look at that woman,
there might be a man's spirit

trapped in that body.

Well, I applied it to myself.
I thought maybe there's
a female spirit

trapped in my body,
and I don't know it
'cause she's a lesbian.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

How would I know?
I like some girls' stuff.

I always felt safe
around a girl's bike,
for instance.

[audience laughing]

Does it seem
reasonable to you

that the one with the balls
gets the one with the bar?

[audience laughing,
applauding]

I'll tell you
something worse,

worse than missing the seat
on your bicycle--

dancing close with a girl,

'cause girls are
just made to tease.

Just natural.
It's all up front,
and it teases.

Just nothing they
can do about it.

And you start dancing
real close, you know.

Pretty soon things
start happening, right?

And they rub around

like they're gonna do a whole
lot more than just dance.

The music's over,
they cut out for
the punch bowl.

You're out there.
"Hey, that was pretty good.

Sure, boy.
Good dance.

That was some good
dancing, yes, sir."

Of course, I used to
know this girl

let me do anything
I wanted to do.

Do y'all believe that?

Actually, she'd let anybody do
anything they wanted to do.

Everybody knew her.
She was weird

but very fair.

After you'd do her,
she'd do you back.

That's fair, isn't it?

All she'd ever do, though,
is pluck a single hair

from the top of your head
for her scrapbook.

We finally moved away
from that neighborhood.

I was about, oh, 14--

14, 15.

About 15, I think.

I was about 15, I think.

You remember her
a little bit, don't you?

You knew her more
than I did, didn't you?

This is a raw deal,
isn't it?

When one falls out
like that one, I wonder,

"What the hell
held it in yesterday?"

[audience laughing]

Why today?

It needs washing,
but I ain't gonna wash it.

I figure if it's gonna
fall out, it can take
the goddamn dirt with it.

It needs cutting, too,
but you don't prune
a dead tree, do you?

I don't even comb it.
I figure the tangles
holding half of it in.

Big deal, parallel hair.
Who needs that, right?

You can't explain
this problem to a woman, now.

No. See, 'cause
women don't--

there's nothing parallel
in woman-ness, you know?

I mean, this is
my sexuality, see?

Women got sex hanging out
all over 'em,

but men just got
their hair.

You get used to having it,
it's gone.

You girls would have to imagine
like if your tits fell off.

[audience laughing]

Real slow.

Just kind of slid on down,

popped off at the knee.

[audience applauding,
cheering]

You're beginning to see
what I'm talking about.

I guess you look at that
and you say to yourself,

"Well, I bet
he don't get much."

Well, you're wrong.

I don't get any.

But you just miss out
on a lot of loving, having
a head that looks like this.

You figure it out.
If the hair fell out
of your dog,

would you want to pet him?

[audience laughing]

Well, you like
that damn joke.

Do you know why
a bird is so ugly?

You would be, too,
if your pecker was
between your eyes.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[cheering]

Don't make sense.
See, I'm thinking
about stuff all the time.

While you're at home
getting drunk, I'm thinking.
That's my job.

See, I'm thinking
all the time, trying
to improve the world

through overview,

which you get
from Colombian.

[audience laughing]

When you get this overview,

then you can solve
the world's problems.

You say, "Hey, take all them
houses out by the airport

nobody wants to live in
'cause it's too noisy

and give 'em
to deaf people."

I hope I didn't offend
any deaf people,

but I don't guess
they heard that joke,
did they?

And don't get the idea
I don't know the value

of handicapped people
in a society, 'cause I do.

If it wasn't for handicapped
people, I never would find
a parking space.

Hey, I had an overview
the other day--

figured out how
to save us millions.

Do the Jehovah Witnesses
come by your house
about every other day?

Why don't we give 'em
the mail to deliver?

[audience cheering]

They're already
in the neighborhood.

You know they're
gonna ring every bell.

Am I right?

They say
since Proposition 13

we don't have enough money
now for dam inspectors.

I say good.
We don't need
no dam inspectors.

If you got a house
down-street from the dam,

your ass ought to be
up there checking for cracks.

Am I right?[audience]
Yeah.

You know I'm right.

The government's dumb.

You know what they call
the department in charge
of everything outdoors?

Tell 'em.[man] Department
of the Interior.

Interior.

Only words you can't use.

Sounds like it ought to be
staffed by decorators
instead of bureaucrats.

Could you see, like,
interior decorator

in charge of Hoover Dam?

"This whole wall
has to go.

[laughing, applauding]

Masonry, masonry, masonry.

We need windows.
Let in light."

I do that good, don't I?

[audience laughing,
shouting]

I'm from Hollywood.

Living in Hollywood's like
living in a bowl of granola.

What ain't fruits and nuts
is flakes, right.

[laughing, applauding]

I had a strange idea,
I think, the other day--

that instead of having
advertisements on billboards,

it'd be a good idea
to put road maps.

And this would save gas,

since, I think, about
1 out of 10 cars is lost.

Don't they drive that way?

But yet we have
all these advertisements.

They ought to just come up
to the corner and see
where the hell they are.

"You are here," you know.
Then head out.

I know it ain't a funny idea.
Just makes sense, don't it?

When I come up to a corner,
I don't need to see

a dog pulling down
the bathing suit
of some Coppertone kid.

I need to know
where's my ass.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Right?

Now--

You know where it is.
It's in a crack lately.

Everybody's is because of
this oil situation.

I'll tell you something
about them OPEC-ers.

[audience laughing]

They're real lucky that
we can't drive over there,

or there'd be
some independent truckers

kicking some butts
in Kuwait tonight.

Right?

[audience cheering,
applauding]

I say--

I say we should cut off
their supply of bedsheets

so they don't have nothing
to wear to them demonstrations.

Right?[audience members]
Yeah.

Of if you just
put me in charge

of this country's
science technology,

I'll figure a way
of boring through the earth

and sucking it out
from under 'em.

[audience laughing]

'Cause it ain't
their oil, is it?

They're just closer to it.

I guess we ought to be glad
they're still taking dollars
for the oil

and don't want
something of value.

[audience members
moaning, booing]

I'm not that goddamn
impressed with you either.

[audience laughing]

I ain't impressed
with this whole country.

We're screwing up.
We're losing everything.

Have you noticed that?

Yes. We lose--[man] Who's "we"?
Speak for yourself.

Americans, Americans!

Americans are losing.

We don't watch it,

we're all gonna be
picking our clothes
out of the trash can.

[audience laughing]

[man]
It just so happens...

Just so happens.

How do you like this?
A sports coat.

[audience laughing]

[audience shouting,
applauding]

I could've worn something
a little more classified.

[audience laughing,
moaning]

[man]
...to match your pants.What?

Wear it to match
your pants.

Does not match my pants.

Nothing matches my pants.

This, I think,
is a good idea.

This here uses
the forces of the pyramid

to sharpen the wit.

Pretty handy, huh?
Maybe in the future

people will be
dressing like this,

having to wear
newspaper clothes.

Doesn't do much
for the hairline, does it?

It's a good hat, though.
Most hats, you put 'em
down on a chair,

people sit on 'em.

[audience laughing]

Doesn't happen with this.

I'm thinking about...

people that
don't like smokers.

You just kind of wear
this medallion smoke alarm.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[alarm blares]

Need I say more?

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[audience cheering]

I was getting on a plane
the other day...

[audience laughing]

and they took my ass off.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

I was getting on a plane.
He says, "Are you a smoker
or a nonsmoker?"

I thought, "Why am I defined
by what it is I do not do?"

You know what I mean?
I should be normal.
Other people are weird.

I don't pee my seat.
They don't ask me that.

Say, "You a pisser
or a nonpisser?"

I say, "If it's a DC-10,
I'm a pisser."

See, we're such
a wasteful society.

We just waste stuff--

Look at this. Look.

Somebody threw away
a perfectly good
Gallagher doll.

[audience laughing]

[applauding, cheering]

Why do they do this?

These damn things are rare.

You just don't run across
these all the time.

[audience laughing]

Look. Here's a perfectly good
Tonight Showhome game.

Here's Johnny.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

Look. It had a Carnac.

Had a guest host.
There's Joey.

It's not worth throwing away.
Why did this get thrown away?

The longer the pipe,
the cooler the smoke.

Oh, I know.
You can't light
the sumbitch.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[audience laughing]

Look.
Here's a perfectly good
12-string guitar.

Damn.

You want to sing
some songs?

What do you want to sing?

Let's sing, um,
"What Do You Get
When You Fall In Love?"

You want to do that one?

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[mutters]

You know, you can tell
how much money

a woman has in her purse
by how she carries it.

See, a woman like this here,
she probably just got paid.

This bitch
ain't got a dollar.

This ain't bad.

[man]
All right.

It's okay.
Wait a minute.
Whoa!

What is your name?[man]
Tom.

What do you do
for a living?Make pottery.

You make pottery?
You do? Okay,
throw that better.

[man] Aww.[audience members
groaning]

Hey, man, there's one on
this end and one on this end.

Why did you throw it
in the middle?

What is your name again?Tom.

Tom. Okay. Ready?

Don't count me out.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

To me sports just ain't
interesting enough.

Like, if I had me
a baseball team,

I'd have a midget
for a catcher,

that way he wouldn't
have to squat.

[audience laughing]

You know, I'm not
too good at this

because you need to be
well-rounded in the world,

and to get good at something
you have to focus, you know.

And I got other things,
you know.

I think if you're
good at sports,

you're like, not good in sex
or something, you know.

You know, you get good
at what you practice.

You know, that's why
I'm not so good at this here.

Well, you know,

I think that if you're
good at a sport,

you're probably
not so good in bed.

I think that tennis players
probably jump over the bed
and shake your hand.

I think a real good swimmer
probably, when he gets
to the headboard,

does a flip turn
and comes back
for another lap.

And I wonder,
does a rodeo cowboy

think nine seconds
is a long ride?

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[indistinct]

Gymnasts, though--
I bet you gymnasts
are real good.

Wouldn't you like to, uh,
say, uh, Nadia?

She's a perfectionist.
Imagine that, guys-- a 10.

"Wow, Nadia,
that was perfect."
You know?

"Even pointed your toes,
you little devil.

That full-twisting dismount
wasn't bad either, babe."

[applauding]

Well, I'd like to talk about
driving a little bit right now.

I wish I had my car.

Well, when you have
your own TV show, you get
your wishes, don't you?

This helps me to get into the
mood of talking about driving,

'cause, you know, you get
to be a different person
when you get in your car.

You know,
you act different.

You'll be polite
in everyday life, and then
you get behind your car.

"Get outta the way!

I'm drivin'!"

You know what I mean?
You just get impatient

when you're in your car.

I'm down on ignorance
and stupidity.

Driving is a game
you play by the rules.

Am I right?[audience members]
Right.

I'm against all these idiots
driving down the freeway

with the seat belt
hanging out the door
making sparks.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

The ones going over
the overpass with the turn
signal on, you know.

Blink, blink.
It's like a sign
to the whole world.

"I'm stupid as hell.
I'm stupid as hell.
I'm stupid as hell."

[audience applauding]

Or else they're in
the fast lane of the freeway

going about
35 miles an hour

with a bumper sticker
on the back that says
"I'd rather be sailing."

Good. Get the hell
off the road.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Right?[audience]
Right.

And take the cops with you.
We don't need--

We don't need cops
on the highway.

They only do two things.
Both of 'em screw up traffic.

Number one,
they go the speed limit.

This is gonna slow
everybody down.

The other thing they do is
they chase speeders going
a hundred miles an hour.

What does this do?
Doubles the number of cars
going a dangerous speed.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Chances are,
if they slowed down,

the Mexicans would, too.

I don't know why
they drive that fast

with a family in the trunk
to begin with.

[audience applauding,
cheering]

It's their business.

Now, now, now.

I'm not here
to pick on the Mexicans,

'cause Mexicans got oil.

Oil now.
They just discovered it.

Been there forever.
They just discovered it.

[audience laughing]

Mañanawe will look
for oil.

You can't blame 'em.
They didn't know they
could make any more money

with that land than they
could growing dope.

I made myself laugh, Dave.

You know, if they want
to slow things down
on the freeway,

they should legalize
marijuana.

I drive
real careful stoned.

I'm changing lanes!

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[cheering]

You ever do that?

Or you see a stoplight
way up ahead and you go,

"I'll try the brakes
back here.

Oh. Traffic looks heavy.

I'll pull out tomorrow."

[audience laughing,
applauding]

I think driving
should be more fun.

You know, if you go
to an amusement park

with a little oval of asphalt
and some washing machine cars,

you'd go out
and have a great time.

Look at our freeways
and our automobiles.

Underpasses, overpasses,
dig it up, dig it around,
go through.

We don't have no damn fun.

Ought to have a big
rubber bumper around cars

so you could bang
into people.

It'd be okay.

People start coming
in your lane, you go pow!

You know what I mean?

[audience applauding]

Or if you're
at a stoplight

and there an old lady
in front of you
and the light turns green,

run her ass up
to the next light.

[audience applauding]

I got gas and first gear
for two cars.

You can't give an old lady
whiplash 'cause her head
don't go above the seat.

[audience laughing]

So it don't hurt.

If I had my way
in this world,

every driver would be issued

a little rubber
stick-'em dart gun like you
had when you were a kid.

When somebody does something
stupid in front of you,
you hang out the window

and you shoot 'em
in the trunk.

It would stick there with
a little sign that said
"stupid" on it.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Then when the highway
patrol comes by

and sees a car with
about a dozen of these,

he just pulls 'em over
and gives 'em a ticket
for being an asshole.

[cheering]

'Cause--

Which brings up
the topic

of automobile mechanics.

Right, ladies?

You have a little problem
with those mechanics

because you don't know
anything about an engine.

You don't know
what they tell you

is the truth
or what's fabricated.

Have you ever noticed
just about the time you see

a total you could pay,
they add the labor.

So what can a lady do?
Or a guy?

I don't know much
about cars.

I'm not gonna take it apart
and see if they did it right.

Am I?

A lady could say something
like, "Save the parts."
You know?

"I'm gonna show 'em
to my husband.

He's a mechanic.

[laughing]

He'd be working on this car,
but one fell on his head and--

[laughing]

He'll be okay, and then
I'll show him the parts."

But that isn't insurance
either 'cause they could
show you any part.

You don't know what
they say is the truth.

I had this car fixed.
They said they repaired
all the belts.

Here's a couple of 'em.

They say they got
my hoses fixed,

[ringing]my rings,

my plugs and points,

[audience laughing,
applauding]

my rocker arms,

[audience laughing,
applauding]

the head gasket.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[man]
Tie rod.Tie rod!

[man]
Universal joint.Universal joint!

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[man]
Manifold.Manifold!

[man]
Belt.

[woman]
Trainer bra.

[audience laughing]

Trainer bra for
a real dumb girl.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Nut rack.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, nut rack.

I wish this, uh, was gone.

Damn.

[cheering, applauding]

Well...

um, I'm gonna do
my show now.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[man]
All right!So...

I think I got you people
warmed up good enough.

You seem to be pleasant.
I'm gonna go back here

and get my show,
and we'll do it.

You ready?[audience]
Yeah!

Okay, give me to, um,
a count of 10.

You ready?

[audience]
One, two,

three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

Whoo! The show!
It's the show!

It's the show!
It's the show!

I need my stool!

I need my stool!

[audience members
shouting]

I need my stool!

Ladies and gentlemen!

[audience members
shouting]

[cheering]

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I did not come here tonight
to make you laugh.

I came here to sell
you something.

I want you to pay
particular attention

because the amazing
Master Tool Corporation,

a subsidiary of
Fly By Night Industries,

has entrusted who? Me.

To show you the handiest
and the dandiest kitchen tool

you've ever seen.

And don't you want
to know how it works?

[audience]
Yeah!

Well, good.

First, you get out
an ordinary apple.

You place the ordinary apple
between the patented pans.

Then what do you do, gang?
It's simple.

You reach for the tool
that is not a slicer.

It's not a dicer.
It's not a chopper
in a hopper.

What can it possibly be?

Hey.
The mystery is over.

It is Sledge-O-Matic.
Hey.

[screaming]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

Wasn't that quick and easy?

Applesauce in an instant.

Yes, there's the beginning
of a fine fruit salad.

This, folks,
is Sledge-O-Matic,

the wonder tool
of a thousand uses.

You can make
your own peanut butter

right to whole fruit
and vegetable juices,

mounds of mashed potatoes.

Why, Sledge-O-Matic
will even make French fries.

But I swear you've got to crack
that sumbitch just right.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Now, ladies,

are you looking for a way
to disguise leftovers?

I'll tell you what you do.

You root 'em around
in the patented pan.
You guessed it.

You hit 'em again!
Chicken. Look at you.

[audience laughing]

Sledge-O-Matic will kill ants,
roaches, flies, appetites,

anything which crawls
into the patented pan.

[laughing]

Now I know what
some of you are saying.

"Sure, you can do it
with an apple.

Sure, you can do it
with a potato.

But can he do it
with a watermelon?"

[cheering]

I may or may not have
the watermelon.

That depends upon your reaction
to the rest of my show.

[audience laughing,
cheering]

Good seats, huh?

You know, many people don't get
their vitamin C each day.

And I saw
a commercial on TV

that said they couldn't open
one of these Coors cans.

So...

what's the problem?

[laughing]

Now, Sledge-O-Matic will
also teach the dumbest dog
to play dead.

It puts the cat out
all night.

It keeps the neighbor's kids
in their own goddamn yard.

[audience laughing]

And it--

Hey, people, hollow it out,
it makes a heck of a pipe.

Right now you're probably
asking yourself,

"Where can I get me
one of these wonderful--"

Oh, you're not?

[cheering, shouting]

I believe it's gonna break
a little bit to the right.

Right now you're probably
asking yourself,

"How crazy
is that sumbitch?

Where can I get me one of
these wonderful things?"

Well, millions paid 9.95.

But I can let you have it
for $10, cash money,

two for 25.

If you don't buy one of these
from me here tonight,

I'm gonna be out
to your house later on
for a free home demolition.

And I want you
to remember my motto:

"The Avon lady
may ring your chime,

but me and this hammer
just knock one time."

[audience laughing,
cheering]

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

It's a bird.
It's a plane.

It's Popeil's pocket lariat.

[audience laughing]

So simple, any idiot
could operate.

You wanna give it a go?

Well, you know your
limitations, don't you?

This is like riding
in the back of a pickup truck.

There ain't no way
to do it and look cool.

Okay. I invented this.
What do you think of this?

[car horn honking]

This is a honker
for people that like
to honk their horn

but can't afford
to drive a car.

Next time you're walking along
and somebody gets in your way,
butts in line--

[honking]Hey!

[audience laughing,
applauding]

I'm walkin' here.

You can stick this
on your buggy down
at the grocery store

to clear the fat ladies
out of the candy isle.

Or if you're just buying
a few items,

you're going through
that "10 and under"
express lane,

somebody ahead of you
with a dozen eggs--

[honking]

It's 12 items.

Or maybe you dudes,
you see some chick
out on the beach.

You just--
"Hey, babe! Hey!"[honking]

Or maybe you girls are
downtown late at night,

and you have to get to your car
and go down a dark alley.

You're a little afraid.
Just run real fast.[honking]

They'll think you're a VW.

Or maybe you're getting
phone calls late a night

from a heavy breather,
the obscene kind. Right?

Next time you get one--
"Oh, yeah, you'll do what?
Try this."

[honks]

Want your ears pierced?[honks]

I like to use it in
the bathroom to keep people
from opening the door on me.

I just go--[honks]

Can't you see my feet?

[laughing]

I invented this here
for people

so they don't bump
into doors and walls
when they're drunk.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

It's a good idea.

I want to talk to you people
now just briefly...

about stealing.

Now, I don't mind if you
take stuff by accident,

because we all do this.

But it's you people
that take stuff you can't use.

Can't take it now.

[audience applauding]

Although I will admit
that stealing

is a good way of
getting back at people.

You know,
you take this teller

down at the drive-in
bank I go to.

She was rude to
the wrong boy, wasn't she?

The guy in the car behind me
didn't like me much either.

He said, "Put the money
in what, bitch?"

All right, I'd like to stop
for just a moment

and get
my microphone correct.

Would anybody
like to tell me

any problem
they think I'm having
with this microphone?

Is there any problem
with my microphone?

[woman]
The wire.

Is that all?
Just the wire, just
a cosmetic consideration?

Am I getting sound
properly?

[simultaneous chatter,
indistinct]

Okay.

How long has this
been going on?[man] Since you started.

Yeah, this screw got loose.
Now it's okay, ain't it?

How long has it
been doing that?

[simultaneous chatter,
indistinct]

When did it start?
During Sledge-O-Matic?

Fuck.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

It unscrewed.
It just unscrewed, you know?

It needed a piece of tape
on there to keep it
from unscrewing.

So let me have
a piece of tape

'cause this next part
is gonna be fuckin' funny.

[audience laughing,
cheering, applauding]

So we had break-up
during Sledge-O-Matic

and during all
of these things here?[man] Not bad.

Oh, not bad, though?Very little.

Not bad. Look at this guy.
He thinks he's dressed okay.

[audience laughing]

You ready?

[man]
Do it again.

[audience laughing]
Oh!

Whoo!

Are we starting tape again?
I guess we were just rolling.

Yeah, I was rolling, too,
till I had to stop
for this son of a bitch.

All right,
let's start from here.

[audience laughing]

"Put the money
in what, bitch?"

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[audience cheering]

You gotta check 'em.

This is a visual aid.

I was thinking
the other day,

"What if man is born like
the other animals and was
endowed with a tail?"

For those of you
with no imagination,
this is what he'd look like.

Dig it. Now...

if man did have a tail,
I wonder, would it be legal

to leave it out
or would you have
to tuck it in?

And I wonder, would that
be about average?

For a white boy,
what do you think?

[audience cheering,
applauding]

If man did have a tail,
they'd probably get into
styling it sooner or later,

especially in Hollywood.

This would be
the French look.

And, of course, we all know
what Jewish people would do.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Do you know why the doctor
ties the baby's umbilical cord?

[woman]
Why?

So it won't do like that.

[audience laughing]

Do you know
how many helicopters
it takes to get to Tehran?

[audience laughing]

Neither does the president.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

You know--

You know why a Polack
can't eat pickles?

He can't get
his head in a jar.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Now, I didn't write
that joke.

I'm just using that
as an example of why--

I can't figure out
why the Polacks
don't take hostages.

I mean, don't they have
enough reason to be pissed
at us all these--

jokes all these years?

They're some good jokes, too.
I don't use 'em in my show

'cause I think
they're in poor taste.

But you know 'em, you know.
You know.

You know, the one
about the, uh--

why Polish men
don't make love

'cause they wait for
the swelling to go down.

And, uh, why Polish girls
don't use vibrators

'cause it chips
their teeth.

And, uh--

And why Polish mothers
don't breastfeed their babies

'cause it hurts when
they boil their nipples.

You know these.

[laughing, applauding]

You know these jokes,
don't you?

What we ought to have is Iranian
jokes, right, since they--

[audience]
Yeah.

Well, do you know how
to circumcise an Iranian?[woman] No.

You can't. There ain't
no end to them pricks.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

Do you know why
a man can lay on his side
easier than a woman?

A man has a kickstand.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Do you know what the sign said
on the whorehouse door?

"Closed. Beat it."

[audience laughing]

[object snaps]I'm glad you broke it.

What is your name?

You thought you'd get through
the whole show without
being noticed, didn't you?

What is your name?

I know, it's probably
real funny.

What is it?

Leslie Hancock?

[audience laughing]

See, it can't be that bad.
What's your name?

Claire.Claire?

That's nice.
Claire.

Are you single, Claire?

Yes.You are?

[audience laughing]

You like funny
little comedians?

[audience laughing]

Well, here you are.
Are you a connoisseur
of comedy?

You're not?

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering,
applauding]

Would you like to be
a connoisseur of comedy?

Well, do you have
a boyfriend?

Yes.

You do?

You couldn't decide.

He's not a good boyfriend?

He's all right.He's just all right.
See?

If he was good, you'd go,
"I got a boyfriend!

He's great!"

You know, they say
you can tell

how good a guy is in bed

by how well he moves.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Well, she's got
a boyfriend anyway.

You know, girls don't think
that men know about... stuff,

but we do.

Like, we know
that panty hose

is a secret
sexual deterrent.

If a girl don't want
nothing to happen,
she puts on the panty hose.

Why else do they
reinforce the crotch?

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Is that gonna get
a lot of wear?

It's the knee and the toe
that breaks out.

[audience laughing]

Ought to be a double knee
and a double toe.

It's hard to watch
the television advertising
these days

without seeing some kind
of a sexual message.

You don't have to be
a pervert to see it either.

There's this one--
This woman's sitting up in bed,

and she says proudly,
"I'm cleaning my oven."

[audience laughing]

Her hands are
under the covers.

And the product
is Easy-Off.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[audience cheering]

Then Joe DiMaggio says
Mr. Coffee is the best
he's ever tasted.

Joe DiMaggio was married
to Marilyn Monroe.

Come on, Joe.
You have tasted better, boy.

[laughing, applauding]

Am I right?[audience]
Yeah.

I wish there was a knob
on the TV so you could
turn up the intelligence.

They got one
marked "brightness,"
but it don't work, does it?

[audience laughing,
applauding]

No, 'cause they ask you
real smart questions on TV.

"Do you need
a pain reliever
that works?"

"Impotence got you down?"

"Is it hard to meet
a girl with acne?"

No, I meet 'em
all the time.

"Constipation a problem?"

No, I dig it.

[audience laughing]

In fact,
if I ain't constipated,

I stick a cork up my butt.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Then they talk about--

On TV they talk about
laxative, how gentle.

I don't know about you people.
When I want a laxative,

I want a bomb.

Rough me up.

[imitates bomb exploding]

[audience applauding]

Aren't they dumb?
Why does a guy--

He just gets his car
fixed at AAMCO,

transmission place.

He checks the horn.

Honk, honk!
Everything's okay!

[audience laughing,
applauding]

They're supposed to be
an example for society,
and they don't always do--

This girl gets a new watch.
She shows it to another girl.

She's--
"Oh, wow, a new watch."

The girl goes,
"I was hoping
for a Longines."

What a bitch.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

New damn watch.

"Here's a dog
we fed Alpo dog food.

Here's a dog
we didn't feed.

Look how much friskier
the Alpo dog is...

than the dead one
over here."

"We've stretched this bra
between these two Mack trucks

to show you girls
that any elastic

that can lift and separate
these two big babies...

[audience laughing]

is gonna have no problem
with your little pickup."

Well...

it's about time
for me to cut out.

[audience]
Aww!

As you can see,
performing, for me,
is a sexual experience.

I'm done before
you are, right.

[audience laughing]

But there's always
room, and time,

for one last
commercial word.

This time I'm speaking...

[audience laughing]

to all of you
Spanish-speaking Americans.

Buenos días,
Americanos Españoles.

Tomé unapple rojo

yplace-amente
on top of elmelone.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

Stop me if you've heard it.

Yreach-y me usted por
eltool no es elslicer

no es eldicer,
no es elchopper
in a hopper.

El es que gang?

[audience cheering]

El Bang Bang Grande!

Olé!

[audience cheering,
applauding]

Before I go--

Before I go, I'd like to--

[audience cheering,
applauding]

I'd like to impart some
last few words of wisdom to you

so you don't think
my show is just trivial.

I want you
to always remember,

never let your mother
brush your hair when
she's mad at your dad.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

If you want to get back
at someone you love,

wait till they
get in the shower,
then flush the toilet.

I want all you parents
to remember

that children who have
a well-balanced breakfast
before school

are the only ones
who throw up in gym class.

That dude that said
a bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush

ain't been putting his bird
in the right bushes, has he?

But I want all of
you lovers to be fair.

Let the other one sleep
in the wet spot half the time.

But I want you men
to remember

that sex is
a Chinese dinner for two.

It ain't over till
you both get your cookies.

[audience applauding,
cheering]

Right, ladies?

[cheering,
applauding continue]

Now,

the ladies also asked me
to mention to you guys

that 20 minutes of begging
is not considered foreplay.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Style in whatever
you do, men. Style.

Remember, it ain't the way
you pick your nose.

It's where you put
the booger.

This has been more
than a thrill for me.

This has been
an inconvenience.

I'll see you later.
Good night.

[cheering]

[cheering, applauding
continue]