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1
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,075
Okay, after I get
the tickets,
2
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,242
you line up
for the popcorn
3
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:09,877
while I nail down
some good seats.
4
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,212
Oh, I-I want butter
in the middle.
5
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:12,713
Don't just let 'em
squirt it on the top.
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,317
Ooh, ooh, a-and a large
cherry Slurpee...
7
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:18,286
and then you hold the seats
while I go to the men's room,
8
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,020
and then I'll do
the same for you,
9
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:24,058
and that way we can enjoy
our drinks during the movie
without fear.
10
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,260
Gotcha.
11
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,763
You're not going to do
any of that, are you?
12
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:30,831
Nope.
13
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,533
So-so you want to go in there
14
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,102
with no coordination,
no-no strategy,
15
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,503
just, uh, winging it?
16
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,138
That's what
I'm thinkin'.
17
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,643
I have no faith
in this at all.
18
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:51,952
Now for her I'd stand in line
for a butter squirt.
19
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,489
Yeah, she is a hottie.
20
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:00,060
Hey, that's no hottie.
21
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,630
That's your ex-wife.
22
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,233
Judith?
23
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,534
Alan?
24
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,137
Sorry about the squirt thing.
25
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,239
Wow.
26
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,240
Look at you.
27
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:13,407
New-new hair, clothes.
28
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,708
You look...
29
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,076
Wow.
30
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:17,111
Thank you.
31
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,079
No, no, thank you.
32
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,549
It's a public service
33
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:25,219
when a gay chick goes lipstick
instead of lumberjack.
34
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,556
So, uh, how was
the, uh, movie?
35
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:29,590
Where-where's Jake?
36
00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,392
Um, home with a baby-sitter.
37
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,427
Alan, I'm kind of on a date.
38
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,396
Oh, oh, okay.
39
00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:37,165
Oh, uh, is that her?
40
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:39,367
Hi, nice to meet you.
41
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,068
Uh, I'm-I'm the ex.
42
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,138
Alan, that's not my date.
43
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,074
Hey, Alan.
44
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,075
Uh, Phil!
45
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,076
Yeah, what a coincidence.
46
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,212
Uh, uh, Phil
is Jake's soccer coach.
47
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,347
Uh, Phil, you
remember Judith.
48
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,048
Well, yeah, I-I...
49
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,185
One Mississippi...
50
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,519
Alan...
51
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,255
What?
two Mississippi...
52
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,159
Oh, my... God!
53
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,828
Okay, we're all caught up.
54
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,531
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you're dating Phil?
55
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:11,899
How-how can you
be dating Phil?
56
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,834
Well, Alan, he
asked me out...
57
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,035
What about the
whole gay thing?
58
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,137
Did you even give
that a chance?
59
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,572
Phil, we'd better go.
60
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,873
Hey, l-look, Alan,
I-I-I hope
61
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,442
this doesn't affect
our friendship.
62
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,444
Oh, no, call me.
We'll hang out.
63
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,479
Great. Well, hey,
how's Tuesday?
64
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,580
Tuesday's good.
65
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,249
Judith, how's
Tuesday for you?
66
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,384
Just walk away.
67
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,586
I know you built
your sun deck
without a permit,
68
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,022
and I am calling it in.
69
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,190
Alan, chill.
70
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,425
Two-faced, wife-poaching,
71
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:40,160
soccer-coaching
rat bastard!
72
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,396
Come on. Let it go.
73
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,964
I'll treat you
to a cherry Slurpee.
74
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,766
I don't want a
cherry Slurpee.
75
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:49,069
You sure? 'Cause I think
Phil's going to get one.
76
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,915
She's-she's straight.
She's gay. She's
straight again...
77
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:05,619
Place your bets.
Where she lands,
nobody knows.
78
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,987
Alan, it's no big deal.
79
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,857
Women get to experiment
with their sexuality.
80
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:13,494
It's only guys who have to make
a choice and stick to it.
81
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,429
Where do you get this stuff?
82
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,830
I make it up.
83
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,701
Anyway, it doesn't matter
what Judith is.
84
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,735
It only matters what she's not.
85
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:22,970
And what is she not, Charlie?
86
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,739
She is not coming back
to you, pal.
87
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,642
Thank you for your sensitivity.
88
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,111
All I'm saying is that Judith
has moved on with her life,
89
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,880
and maybe it's time for you
to do the same.
90
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,449
I know, I know,
it's just... I can't.
91
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,884
Sure, you can,
and I'll help you.
92
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:37,785
How?
93
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,086
I don't know--
by saying things
94
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,589
like, "Sure you can"
and "I'll help you."
95
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,090
Great. Thanks.
96
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,892
Look, this isn't
just about you, you know.
97
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,360
All this wallowing
in the past
98
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,095
is causing other people
to suffer.
99
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,630
You mean Jake.
100
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,898
I mean me.
101
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,934
You are really starting
to piss me off.
102
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:56,970
Okay, that's enough help
for now.
103
00:03:57,037 --> 00:04:00,173
I'm just saying maybe it's time
104
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,310
You're right, you're right.
I-I-I know you're right.
105
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:03,511
Forget Judith.
106
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,513
There's a whole world
out there that...
107
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,648
you haven't pissed off yet.
108
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,149
There is no reason
109
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,051
I-I couldn't find happiness
with someone else.
110
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:11,852
There you go.
111
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:12,853
This could be the beginning
112
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:13,821
of the rest of my life.
113
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:14,788
Bit of a bumper sticker,
114
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,156
but sure, why not?
115
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,659
In fact, for the first time
since college,
116
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,861
I-I can go after any woman
I want.
117
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,663
Heck, I could take a
page from your book
118
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,765
and date 'em
two, three at a time.
119
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:25,899
Yeah, right.
120
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,035
I mean, yeah, right!
121
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,671
You know what?
122
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,172
I'm going to start right now.
123
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,325
I am going to die alone.
124
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,794
No, no...
125
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,829
you just don't know
how to sell yourself.
126
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,064
Give me a minute.
127
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,210
So?
128
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:13,414
If it was up to them,
you'd die alone.
129
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,715
Great.
130
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,016
Okay, here's the thing.
131
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,818
If you really want to play
in this league,
132
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:20,087
you're going to have to make
a few changes.
133
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,088
Like what?
134
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,356
Hang on.
135
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,297
( laughing )
136
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,470
Pretty much everything.
137
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:37,871
Everything?
Yup.
138
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:41,074
The hair, the clothes,
the fuddy-duddy personality...
139
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,910
What do they know
about my personality?
140
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,211
Okay, that part's mine.
141
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:48,616
Face it, Alan, you've been
an old fart since you were 14.
142
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,950
What is that supposed to mean?
143
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,318
It means how many eighth graders
144
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,987
carry a-a briefcase
and a pocketwatch?
145
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,724
That was
the Esperanto Club look.
146
00:05:56,790 --> 00:06:00,027
Okay, well, unless you know
147
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,195
you're going to need
to shake things up a little.
148
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:05,499
Really? And-and how
do I go about shaking things up?
149
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:06,967
Hang on.
150
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,475
( laughing )
151
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,479
This one might take
a while. Don't wait up.
152
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,617
Hey, guess what?
153
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,987
Coach Phil made me first string
on the soccer team.
154
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,591
Is that so?
155
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,926
Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I suck.
156
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:36,830
Well, maybe Coach Phil
sees some potential.
157
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,369
So, uh, what else is new?
158
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,071
Mom's got new clothes
and new hair.
159
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,139
It's like she's
a different person or something.
160
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,241
But she's still the
same person, Jake.
161
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,510
No, not really.
162
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,779
She walks around the house
singing all the time.
163
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:55,348
She just sings for no reason?
164
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,517
I guess.
165
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,885
I wonder if it's the same reason
166
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,087
I sing for no reason.
167
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:04,024
Does Coach Phil sing
for no reason?
168
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,359
For God's sake, Charlie.
169
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,863
How come you haven't changed
anything yet, Dad?
170
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:10,964
Why should I change?
171
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,566
So you'd look cool like Mom.
172
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,268
You don't think
I look cool now?
173
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,670
No.
174
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:19,372
Well, you know what?
It doesn't matter
if I look cool.
175
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,042
We judge a person
by what-/////!s inside them,
not by what they wear.
176
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,944
Lucky for you, huh?
177
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,849
Yeah, lucky.
178
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,818
I'm done. Can I go watch TV?
179
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:31,985
Sure.
180
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,990
Help me, Charlie.
I want to sing for no reason.
181
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,462
Get your jacket.
It's time to go.
182
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,832
I don't want to go.
I hate clothes shopping.
183
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:45,799
You can't stay here alone.
184
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:46,734
Why not?
185
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,768
You know why not.
186
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:48,869
But I don't have a turtle
187
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:52,305
to put in the microwave anymore.
188
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:53,874
Get your jacket.
189
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,643
Fine, I'll put
on my stupid jacket
190
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:56,944
and we'll get in the stupid car,
191
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,512
and we'll go
stupid clothes shopping.
192
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:03,116
Hey, don't talk
to your stupid father like that.
193
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:05,919
So, are you ready
for your big makeover?
194
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:06,920
You know what?
195
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,622
Actually, I am.
196
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,791
I-I-I was up all night
thinking about it.
197
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:11,992
All night?
198
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:16,496
Maybe your money's better spent
on a hooker.
199
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,331
No, no, listen, um,
I was in the bathroom,
200
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,968
uh, looking at
myself in the mirror
when I noticed--
201
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,737
and I think I
can be completely
objective about this--
202
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,907
that, uh, I have
a-a very nice ass
for a guy my age,
203
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,242
and I-I-I think
204
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:30,944
I should start
dressing in such a way
205
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,913
as to, uh, play
that card...
206
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:34,748
you know...
207
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,349
for the ladies.
208
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,320
( doorbell rings )
I'll get that. Yeah.
209
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,323
Am I lying?
210
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,527
Hi, Mom.
211
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,563
Oh, good, you remember me.
212
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,798
Hello, Charlie.
213
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:54,234
Hey. Mom, right?
214
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,003
Very cute.
I was in the neighborhood.
215
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,470
I thought I'd stop by.
216
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,173
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Mom,
but we were just leaving.
217
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,743
( scoffs ):
It never fails, does it?
218
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,144
Whenever I would like to spend
219
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,146
some quality time
with my grandson,
220
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,315
there's always something
more important going on.
221
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,449
It's not fair,
you know.
222
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,784
I'm not the one
getting clothes,
223
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,319
so why do I have to go
and be bored?
224
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,987
You don't. You can stay here
with Grandma.
225
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,756
What?
What?
226
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:16,890
Have fun.
227
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,792
Wait, no, I'll be good,
I swear.
228
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,260
Payback's a bitch, buddy.
229
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,074
This department looks nice.
230
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,208
You're sure?
231
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,177
Because this
is the top floor.
232
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,147
There's no more clothes
above this floor.
233
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,415
No, I have a good feeling
about this floor.
234
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,151
Great.
235
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,054
How about this shirt?
236
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,322
Oh, no, I don't think so.
237
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,260
Okay.
238
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,461
How about this?
239
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,462
No.
240
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:57,264
Good.
241
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,733
This one?
242
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,368
Hmm... no.
243
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:03,837
This?
No.
244
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:04,872
This?
No.
245
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:05,839
This?
No.
246
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:06,940
Tell you what.
247
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,308
Why don't you pick something?
248
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,377
I thought you were
going to help me.
249
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,279
Pick... something.
250
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,314
Okay.
251
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,449
Flying solo, huh?
252
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,781
This is something
I can see myself in.
253
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,282
You like this?
254
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,617
Yeah.
255
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,152
Let me see it.
256
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,629
( TV playing loudly )
257
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:05,165
Oh, please,
if she has one more facelift,
258
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,434
she'll be wearing her ass
as a hat.
259
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,903
Jake... Jake...
260
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,739
Honey, turn the TV down.
261
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,941
Grandmommy's
on the telephone.
262
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,743
( lowers volume )
263
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:18,178
I'm sorry. What?
264
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,948
No. No, I'm just spending
a little quality time
265
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,150
with my grandson.
266
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:26,119
Oh, he's an amazing boy.
267
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,554
We're very close.
268
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,256
Like two peas in a pod.
269
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,058
What?
270
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,227
Uh, uh, hold on.
271
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,197
Jake,
272
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,999
how old are you?
273
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,734
Ten.
274
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,535
Seven.
275
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,037
I said ten.
276
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:48,108
( whispers ):
If I'm 55, you're seven.
277
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,643
He's an adorable boy,
and he just loves me so much.
278
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,746
Oh, Jake,
279
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,081
Jake,
tell my friend, Cheryl,
280
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,283
how much you love Grandmommy.
281
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,650
Go on, darling.
282
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,820
I'm ten.
283
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,691
How's it going in there?
284
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:07,494
ALAN:
Whatever happened
to zippers?
285
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,097
I miss zippers.
286
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:13,834
I don't know, Alan, maybe
there were too many injuries.
287
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:19,572
Nobody ever got their balls
caught in a buttonhole.
288
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:20,841
Come on, let's see.
289
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,776
I'm just not sure
about this.
290
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,678
Alan, we're never going to find
the right look for you
291
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:26,679
unless we experiment.
292
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:27,981
Now let's see.
293
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,959
I'm not happy
with visible nipples.
294
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,896
Yeah, that's what's
wrong with it.
295
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,752
That's it.
296
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,489
We need a gay guy.
297
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,960
His name is
SpongeBob SquarePants,
298
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,628
and his friend's
name is Patrick.
299
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,998
He's a starfish and
he lives on the same
street as SpongeBob,
300
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,699
and he's
unbelievably dumb.
301
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,334
Squidward
lives there, too.
302
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,904
Of course he's a squid,
and he hates SpongeBob.
303
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,271
And he plays the clarinet.
304
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,739
Both Squidward
and SpongeBob
305
00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:01,374
work at the Krusty Krab
for Mr. Krabs,
306
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,877
who's really cheap
but SpongeBob doesn't care
307
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,712
because he just likes
being a fry cook
308
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,447
and making
Krabby Patties.
309
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,616
So... so, bottom line...
310
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,920
he's a sponge.
311
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,288
Yeah.
312
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,824
His pants are square
'cause he's square,
313
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,292
and so is his underwear.
314
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:22,562
They're tighty-whiteys,
but they're square.
315
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,397
( sotto voce ):
Oh, dear God.
316
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:27,167
And he has a pet
snail named Gary...
317
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,302
MAN:
Okay, relax the shoulders.
318
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,870
Good.
319
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,172
The style suits you.
320
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:34,341
The pants hang
beautifully.
321
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,508
Oh, dear.
322
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,843
What?
323
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,745
You're not going to be wearing
those shoes, are you?
324
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:39,512
Say no.
325
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:40,780
No.
326
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:43,483
Could you show us some shoes
that will go with this?
327
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,885
I'm sorry.
I don't actually work here.
328
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,354
I came in for a belt.
329
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:50,790
Okay.
330
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:51,959
We've got an outfit.
331
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,126
Let's go find some shoes.
332
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:53,994
No, Charlie, I'm done.
333
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:54,794
I can't do this anymore.
334
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,529
Don't worry.
335
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,698
I'm sure there'll be a gay
guy in the shoe department.
336
00:14:58,765 --> 00:14:59,866
No, I changed my mind.
337
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:01,134
I don't want new clothes.
338
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,535
What are you talking about?
339
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,504
You look great.
That guy said you look stunning.
340
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,707
He said "fabulous,"
but that's not the point.
341
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,309
This is not who I am.
342
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:12,845
Yeah, but who you are couldn't
get laid under water
343
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,781
with a tankful of oxygen.
344
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:15,648
Forget it.
Let's just go home.
345
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,250
Wait a second.
346
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,586
I spend all day schlepping
from store to store with you,
347
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:20,920
listening to you whine,
348
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,256
and now that we finally found
something that works,
349
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,691
you want to bail?
350
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,359
I'm just don't feel comfortable
in this stuff.
351
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,194
I knew it.
352
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,861
I knew you'd chicken out.
353
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,664
Chicken out? I'm not even going
to dignify that with a response.
354
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,969
At least your wife had the guts
to try something new.
355
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,437
Don't go there, Charlie.
356
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,906
I mean the soccer coach
is kind of a sideways move,
357
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,608
but you gotta admire the effort.
358
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:42,409
Fine, fine.
359
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,077
I will buy the stupid clothes.
360
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,646
But I'm never, ever going
to do this with you again.
361
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,281
Promise?
362
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:52,185
I just hope he's
worth all the drama.
363
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,624
Hello?
364
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,927
Mom? Jake?
365
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:03,096
JAKE:
In here.
366
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:07,800
Hello?
367
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,736
Hey, Dad.
Hi, Alan.
368
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,871
Rose, what are you doing here?
369
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,640
Baby-sitting.
370
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,075
Where's my mother?
371
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,509
She left.
372
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:17,077
Why?
373
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,411
I don't know.
374
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,513
We were watching
SpongeBob SquarePants
375
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,649
and she stood up and said
life was too short.
376
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,520
Luckily, I happened
to be out on the deck,
377
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:31,424
not doing anything,
just passing by,
378
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:34,127
and she asked
me to baby-sit.
379
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,730
Whoa, Dad, you look cool.
380
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,099
Really?
381
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:39,999
You think?
382
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,000
Oh, yeah.
383
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:42,102
Very sexy.
384
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,870
Huh.
385
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,372
So where is Charlie?
386
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,939
Oh, uh, he dropped me off.
387
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,442
We had a little disagreement.
388
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,445
Was it about
those dorky shoes?
389
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,332
Hi.
390
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,666
Hi.
391
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,135
Mind if I join you?
392
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:16,169
Might as well.
393
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,307
You're gonna have
to drive me home.
394
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,041
Listen, I just
wanted to say
395
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:25,478
that, uh, I know you
were just trying to help,
396
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,147
and I appreciate it.
397
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,248
Thanks.
398
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:29,949
I just got a little panicky.
399
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,485
Change is not easy
for me, Charlie.
400
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,122
Really? I hadn't noticed.
401
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,889
And I'm not just talking
about the clothes.
402
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,159
The clothes are only
the tip of the iceberg.
403
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,793
Only the tip of the iceberg?
404
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,062
Leanne, I'm gonna need
another shot here.
405
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:45,532
Continue.
406
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:46,799
Well, yeah, it's like,
407
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:49,136
I was married a
long time, Charlie.
408
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:50,403
It's... it's who I was.
409
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:51,838
It was my identity.
410
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,175
Married Guy, Husband-Man,
Captain Dependable.
411
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,010
And I had a uniform.
412
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,680
And, I don't know,
I guess I just
413
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,215
didn't want to take it off.
414
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:06,853
'Cause you'd lose
your powers of dependability?
415
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:11,090
So, Charlie,
who's your friend?
416
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,825
My brother, Alan.
417
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:14,594
Hi, Alan. I'm Leanne.
418
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,095
It's nice to meet you.
419
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,965
Uh, I've actually met you
a bunch of times.
420
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:22,235
( laughs ):
Oh, no, I'd remember you.
421
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,804
Uh, I come in here with
Charlie all the time.
422
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,873
I always order
a rum and diet Coke?
423
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,343
Oh, right.
424
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,779
So, Alan, the usual?
425
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,113
Uh, no.
426
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,149
Today,
let's try something different.
427
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,084
Uh, Charlie, what
are you having?
428
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,086
Tequila shooters
with a beer back.
429
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:41,087
Great!
430
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,623
I will have a rum
and diet Coke.
431
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,861
Was she flirting with me?
432
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,096
I think she was
flirting with me.
433
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,199
I think there was
definitely a connection.
434
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:55,668
Alan, you do understand
she works for tips?
435
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,405
Rum and diet
Coke, please?
436
00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,306
Here.
437
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,008
Did you see that?
438
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:03,276
What do you expect?
439
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:05,645
You bought a sport jacket,
not a magic lamp.
440
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,081
* Men.
441
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,888
( water running )
442
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,838
Hello.
443
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:35,808
I didn't see you back there.
444
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,052
Oh, yeah.
445
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:53,460
I am ready for my closeup,
Mr. DeMille.
29806
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