All language subtitles for Apartment, The (1960) 720p

On November 1, 1959, the population
of New York City was 8,042,783.

If you laid them all end to end, figuring
an average height of 5 feet 6 and half inches,...

..they would reach from Times Square
to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan.

I know facts like this because I work for
an insurance company, Consolidated Life.

We're one of the top five companies
in the country.

Our home office has 31,259 employees,...

..which is more than the entire population
of, uh... Natchez, Mississippi.

I work on the 19th floor.
Ordinary Policy Department,...

..Premium Accounting Division,
Section W, desk number 861.

My name is CC Baxter: C for Calvin, C for
Clifford. But most people call me Bud.

I've worked here three years, ten months,
and my take-home pay is $94.70 a week.

The hours in our department
are 8.50 to 5.20.

(Bell)

They're staggered by floor so 16 elevators
can handle the 31,259 employees...

..without a serious traffic jam.

As for myself, I very often stay on at the
office and work for an extra hour or two,...

..especially when the weather is bad.

It's not that I'm overly ambitious.
It's just a way of killing time...

..until it's all right for me to go home.

You see, I have this little problem
with my apartment.

I live in the West 60s,
just half a block from Central Park.

My rent is $85 a month.
It used to be $80 until last July...

..when Mrs. Lieberman, the landlady,
put in a second-hand air conditioner.

It's a real nice apartment. Nothing fancy,
but kind of cozy. Just right for a bachelor.

The only problem is
I can't always get in when I want to.

(Latin-beat dance music)

(Woman hums along to music)

Cut it out, Sylvia.
We've gotta get out of here.

What's the panic?
I'm gonna have another martini.

Please, Sylvia. It's a quarter of nine.

First you can't wait to get me here
and then it's rush, rush, rush.

- Makes a person feel cheap.
- Sweetie, it's not that.

But I promised the guy
I'd be outta here by eight.

- What guy? Whose apartment is this?
- Some schnook that works in the office.

- Good evening, Mr. Baxter.
- Mrs. Lieberman.

Some weather we're having. Must be from
all that meshugaas at Cape Canaveral.

- You're locked out of your apartment?
- No, no. Just waiting for a friend.

- Good night, Mrs. Lieberman.
- Good night, Mr. Baxter.

- Where do you live?
- I told you. With my mother.

- Where does she live?
- 179th Street, in the Bronx.

- All right. I'll take you to the subway.
- Like hell you will! You'll buy me a cab.

- Why do all you dames live in the Bronx?
- You bring other girls up here?

Certainly not. I'm a happily married man.

- Hello there, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
- Something's the matter?

Uh, no. I... seem to have
dropped my key. Ah, here it is.

Such a racket I heard in your place.

Maybe you had burglars?

Don't worry about that. There's nothing in
here anybody'd wanna steal. Good night.

(Doorbell)

Sorry to bother you, Buddy-boy,
but the little lady forgot her galoshes.

Mr. Kirkeby, you were supposed
to be outta here by eight.

I know, but those things don't always
run on schedule like a Greyhound bus.

I don't mind in the summer,
but on a rainy night...

- I haven't had any dinner yet.
- Sure, sure.

Oh!

I put in a good word for you
with Sheldrake in Personnel.

- Mr. Sheldrake?
- That's right.

We discussed manpower promotion-wise.
I told him you're a bright boy.

They're always on the lookout for
young executives. You're on your way up.

- And you're also out of liquor.
- Mr. Eichelberger, Mortgage and Loans...

- ..last night he had a Halloween party.
- Lay in some vodka and vermouth for me.

- You still owe me for the last two bottles.
- I'll pay you on Friday.

Oh, and whatever happened to those little
cheese crackers you used to have?

Cheese crackers?

Cheers.

- Good evening, Baxter.
- Hi, Doc. Had a late call?

Yeah. Some clown at Schrafft's ate
a club sandwich - including the toothpick.

- Well, good night, Doc.
- Say, Baxter.

The way you're beltin' that stuff,
you must have cast-iron kidneys.

That's not me. Just once in a while
I have a few people in for a drink.

As a matter of fact, you must be
an iron man all around.

From what I hear through the walls,
you're at it every night.

- I'm sorry if it gets noisy.
- And sometimes there's a double-header.

- (Tuts) A nebbish like you.
- Yeah. Well, I'll see you, Doc.

You know, I'm doing some research
at the Columbia Medical Center.

- Could you do us a favor?
- Me?

When you make out your will -
and the way you're going, you should -

would you mind leaving
your body to the university?

My body? I'm afraid you guys'd
be disappointed. Good night, Doc.

Slow down, kid.

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Friends, do you have wobbly dentures?

(Phone rings)

- Hello.
- Hiya, Buddy-boy.

I'm in this bar on 61st Street
and I figured I'd give you a little buzz.

That's very nice of you but... who is this?

Dobisch. Joe Dobisch, in Administration.

- Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize your voice.
- That's OK, Buddy-boy.

Like I was saying, I'm in this joint
on 61st and I think I got lucky.

I'm sorry, Mr. Dobisch. I like to help
you fellas out, but it's sort of late.

- Why don't we make it some other time?
- Listen, kid. I can't pass this up.

She looks like Marilyn Monroe.

I'm already in bed. And I took a sleeping
pill. So I'm afraid the answer is no.

We're doing the monthly efficiency rating.
I'm putting you in the top ten.

You don't wanna
louse yourself up, do you?

No. But how can I be efficient in the
office if I don't get enough sleep at night?

It's only eleven, and I just
want the place for 45 minutes.

I'm getting lonely.
Who are you talking to, anyway?

- My mother.
- Oh, that's sweet. That's real sweet.

Ooh!

Make it 30 minutes.
What do you say, Bud, huh?

I'm all out of liquor,
there's no clean glasses...

- There's no cheese crackers. No nothin'.
- Let me worry about that.

Just leave the key under the mat
and clear out.

Yes, Mr. Dobisch.

Anything you say, Mr. Dobisch

No trouble at all, Mr. Dobisch
Be my guest!

We never close at Buddy-boy's.

"Looks like Marilyn Monroe"!

- This the place?
- Yeah.

- How much?
- 70 cents.

Get the money, will you?

Watch those stingers!

- Give him a buck.
- Thanks, lady.

Put it back, honey!

Attagirl.

- Are you sure this is a good idea?
- Can't think of a better one.

Barging in on your mother so late at night.

Don't worry about the old lady. One
squawk from her and she's out of a job.

(Door closes)

Get the key, will you?

Not there! Under the mat.

- Under the mat?
- Yeah. Come on.

Open up. We haven't got all night.

- This is your mother's apartment?
- That's right.

(Drunken giggling)

(Latin-beat dance music)

Mildred! He's at it again!

- Morning, Mr. Kirkeby.
- How are you, Baxter?

- They keeping you busy these days?
- Yes, sir. They are indeed.

Good morning, Mr. Kessel, Miss Robinson,
Mr. Williams, Miss Livingston.

Good morning, Mr. McKellway,
Mrs. Schubert, Mr. Davis.

Good morning, Mr. Kirkeby.
Good morning, Mr. Baxter.

- Morning, Miss Kubelik.
- That's all. Take it away.

Watch the door, please. Blasting off.

- What did you do to your hair?
- It made me nervous so I chopped it off.

- Big mistake, huh?
- No. I sort of like it. (Snuffles)

- You got a lulu.
- Yeah. Better not get too close.

- I never catch colds.
- Really?

I was reading some sickness
and accident claims figures.

The average New Yorker aged between
20 and 50 has two and a half colds a year.

- That makes me feel just terrible.
- Why?

If I have no colds a year, some poor slob
must have five colds a year.

- Yeah. It's me.
- You shoulda stayed in bed this morning.

I shoulda stayed in bed last night.

19!

Watch your step.

- And watch your hands, Mr. Kirkeby!
- Pardon?

One of these days I'm gonna
shut these doors on you and...

20 next!

That Kubelik. Boy, would I like
to get her on a slow elevator to China!

- She's the best operator in the building.
- I'm pretty good myself.

- But she won't give me a date.
- Maybe it's your approach.

A lot of guys around here have tried
all kinds of approaches. No dice.

- What's she trying to prove?
- She could just be a nice respectable girl.

Listen to him! Little Lord Fauntleroy.

(Bell)

Hello. Mr. Dobisch?
This is Baxter on the 19th floor.

Oh, Buddy-boy!

I was just about to call you. I'm sorry
about that mess on the living room wall.

My friend kept insisting Picasso was
a bum, so she started to do that mural.

It's not Picasso I'm calling about.

It's the key to my apartment.
You're supposed to leave it under the mat.

But I did. I distinctly
remember putting it there.

Oh, I found the key all right.
Only it's the wrong key!

It is? No wonder I couldn't get into
the executive washroom this morning.

And I couldn't get into my apartment!

So at 4am I gotta wake up the landlady
and give her a whole song and dance.

That's a shame.
I'll send the key right down.

And about your promotion.

I'll send that efficiency report
to Mr. Sheldrake in Personnel.

You may hear from him
before the day's over.

Thank you, Mr. Dobisch.

(Coughs)

From Mr. Dobisch.

Wait.

For Mr. Dobisch.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

(Phone rings)

Vanderhof. Public Relations.

Oh, yes, Baxter. Just a minute.

All right, Miss Finch.
Type up what we got so far.

Look, I've got you down for tonight,...

..but I'll be using the place myself,
so I'll have to cancel.

But it's her birthday.
I already ordered the cake.

But I am sick. I got a terrible cold and a
fever. I got to go to bed right after work.

If you got a cold, you go to a Turkish bath.
Spend the night. Sweat it out.

That's how you get pneumonia. If I got
pneumonia, I'd be in bed for a month.

OK. You made your point. We'll just
have to do it next Wednesday night.

- It's the only night I can get away.
- Wednesday, Wednesday... Wednesday.

I got somebody penciled in.

Let me see what I can do.
I'll get back to you.

- Mr. Eichelberger.
- Oh, yes, Baxter. What's your problem?

Wednesday is out? Oh, that throws
a little monkey wrench into my agenda.

Thursday? No,
I'm all tied up on Thursday.

Let's schedule that, uh...
meeting for Friday.

Friday.

Let me see what I can do.
I'll get back to you.

Premium-wise and billing-wise, we are 18
per cent ahead of last year October-wise.

(Phone rings)

Hello? Yeah, Baxter. What's up?

Instead of Friday, could you
possibly switch to Thursday?

You'd be doing me a great favor.

Let me check. I'll get back to you.

Consolidated Life. I'll connect you.

Sylvia, it's for you.

Yeah?

Oh, hello.

Sure I got home all right.
You owe me 45 cents.

Look, Sylvia. Instead of Friday,
could we make it Thursday night?

Thursday?! Well, that's
The Untouchables with Bob Stack!

Bob who?

All right, so we'll watch it
at the apartment. Big deal!

Hello, Baxter? It's OK for Thursday.

Thank you, Mr. Kirkeby.

Mr. Eichelberger, it's OK for Friday.

Mr. Vanderhof? OK for Wednesday.

All right. I'll tell him.

Hey, Baxter, that was Personnel.
Mr. Sheldrake's secretary.

She's been trying to reach you for the last
20 minutes. They want you upstairs.

- Are you getting promoted? Or fired?
- Would you care to make a small wager?

- I've been here twice as long as you but...
- Let's say a dollar?

It's a bet!

- Going up?
- Oh! Excuse me.

27, please. Drive carefully. You're carrying
precious cargo. I mean manpower-wise.

27.

You may not realize it, but I am
in the top ten, efficiency-wise,...

..and this may be the day promotion-wise.

You're beginning to sound
like Mr. Kirkeby already.

- Why not, as they're kicking me upstairs?
- Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

You know, you're the only one
who takes his hat off in the elevator.

Something happens to men in elevators.

It's the change of altitude.
The blood rushes to their head.

- I could tell you stories...
- I'd love to hear 'em.

We could have lunch
in the cafeteria sometime.

Or some evening, after work?

- 27.
- Oh.

- I hope everything goes all right.
- I hope so.

They would call me today,
what with my cold.

- How do I look?
- Fine. Wait.

Thank you.

I noticed, when you were still on the
local elevator, you always wore a flower.

Good luck. And wipe your nose.

CC Baxter, Ordinary Premium Accounting.
Mr. Sheldrake called me.

I called you. That is,
I tried to for 20 minutes.

- I'm sorry.
- Go on in.

- Baxter?
- Yes, sir.

Come in, come in.

I was sort of wondering
what you looked like, Baxter.

- Sit down.
- Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

Been hearing some nice things about you.

Mr. Dobisch says you're loyal,
cooperative, resourceful.

- Mr. Dobisch said that?
- Mr. Kirkeby tells me you often work late...

- ..without overtime.
- You know how it is. Things pile up.

Mr. Vanderhof in Public Relations and
Mr. Eichelberger in Mortgage and Loans...

..would both like you
transferred to their departments.

Very flattering.

Tell me, Baxter. Just what is it
that makes you so popular?

- I don't know.
- Think.

- Would you mind repeating the question?
- Look, Baxter. I'm not stupid.

I know everything that goes on
in this building every day of the year.

You do?

In 1957 we had an employee here,
name of Fowler. He was very popular too.

It turned out
he was running a bookie joint,...

..tying up our switchboard, using
our IBM machines to figure the odds.

The day before the Kentucky Derby I
called in the vice squad, who raided him.

- The vice squad?
- That's right.

What's that got to do with me?
I'm not running any bookie joint.

- Just what kind of joint are you running?
- Sir?

A key is floating around from Kirkeby
to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to Dobisch.

It's the key to a certain apartment.

- Know who that apartment belongs to?
- Who?

Loyal, resourceful, cooperative CC Baxter.

- Oh.
- Are you going to deny it?

No. I'm not going to deny it.
If you'd just let me explain.

You'd better.

Well,...

..about a year ago, I was going to night
school, studying advanced accounting.

One of the guys in our department lives
in Jersey had to go to a banquet in town.

He needed someplace to change
into a tuxedo, so I gave him the key.

Word must've gotten out because all sorts
of guys were suddenly going to banquets.

You give the key to one guy, you can't
say no to another. It all got out of hand.

Baxter, an insurance company
is founded on public trust.

Any employee who conducts himself
in a manner unbecoming...

How many charter members
are there in this little club?

Just those four. Out of a total of 31,259.

So actually we can be very proud
of our personnel... percentage-wise.

That's not the point. Four rotten apples
in a barrel, however large the barrel...

- Do you realize if this ever leaked out...
- It won't!

Believe me. Never again. Nobody
is gonna use my apartment from now on.

- Where is your apartment?
- West 67th Street.

You have no idea what I go through with
the neighbors, the landlady and the key.

How do you work it with the key?

I slip it to 'em in the office and they leave
it under a mat. Never again. I promise.

(Intercom buzzer)

- Yes, Miss Olsen?
- Mrs. Sheldrake, returning your call. On 2.

(Sheldrake) Yes, dear. Where were you?

You had to take Tommy to the dentist?
No cavities? Good. Hold it, dear.

- Where are you going, Baxter?
- I don't wanna intrude.

- Since this is straightened out...
- I'm not through with you yet.

I won't be home for dinner tonight.

The branch manager from Kansas City
is in town. I'm taking him to the theatre.

Music Man. What else?

No, don't wait up for me,
darling. Goodbye.

Tell me, Baxter.
Have you seen Music Man?

Not yet. I hear it's one swell show.

How would you like to go tonight?

You and me? I thought you were taking
the branch manager from Kansas City.

No, I have other plans.
You can have both tickets.

Well... that's very kind of you.

But I'm not feeling well. I've got
this cold. I'm gonna go right home.

Baxter, you're not reading me.
I told you I have plans.

So do I. I'm gonna take
four aspirins, get into bed.

So give the tickets to somebody else.

Look, Baxter. I'm not just giving
these tickets. I wanna swap them.

Swap 'em? For what?

It also says here that you are
alert, astute and quite imaginative.

Oh?

Oh...

That's good thinking, Baxter. There's
gonna be a shift in personnel next month.

And as far as I'm concerned,
you are executive material.

- I am?
- Now put down the key.

And put down the address.

It's on the second floor. There's no name
over the door. It just says apartment 2A.

- It's that cold.
- Relax, Baxter.

Yes, thank you, sir.

You will be careful with
the record player? Shh.

Oh, and about the liquor.

I ordered some this morning.
I don't know when they'll deliver it.

- This is going to be our little secret.
- Of course.

- You know how people talk.
- Don't worry about that.

- Not that I have anything to hide.
- No! Anyway, it's none of my business.

Four apples, five apples.
What's the difference?

Percentage-wise.

Here you are, Baxter. Have a nice time.

You too, sir.

So I figure, a man in his position,
he'll take me to EI Morocco, maybe 21.

Instead he takes me to Hamburger
Heaven and some schnook's apartment.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh! Miss Kubelik?

I've been waiting for you.
I almost didn't recognize you.

This is the first time
I've seen you in civilian clothes.

- How'd it go on the 27th floor?
- Great.

- Look, have you seen The Music Man?
- No.

- Would you like to?
- Sure.

We could get a bite to eat first,
and then go.

- Oh, you mean tonight?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry, I can't. I'm meeting somebody.
- Oh.

- You mean... Like a girlfriend?
- No. Like a man.

I wasn't trying to be personal. The fellas
in the office were wondering if you ever...

You tell 'em now and then.

This date, is it... just a date?
Or is it something serious?

Well, it used to be serious.
At least, I was. But he wasn't.

So now the whole thing is
more or less kaput.

- In that case, couldn't you...
- I'm afraid not.

I promised I'd have a drink with him.
He's been calling me all week.

I understand.

Well, it was just an idea. I hate
to see a theatre ticket go to waste.

- What time does the show go on?
- 8.30.

Well, I could meet you at the theatre.

That's wonderful!
It's the Majestic on 44th Street.

I'll meet you in the lobby.

You know, I felt so lousy
this morning. Had 101 fever.

Now along comes my promotion
and us - 11th row centre.

And you said I should've stayed in bed.

- How is your cold?
- What cold?

After the show we could go out
on the town. (Hums dance tune)

- I've been taking from Arthur Murray.
- So I see.

There's a great band
at EI Chico, in the Village.

- Around the corner from where you live.
- Sounds good.

- How do you know where I live?
- Oh, I... even know who you live with.

Your sister and brother-in-law.

I know when you were born and where.
I know all sorts of things about you.

How come?

A couple of months ago I looked up
your card in the group insurance file.

I know your height and your weight
and your social security number.

You had mumps and measles
and you had your appendix out.

Don't mention the appendix
to the fellas in the office.

I wouldn't want 'em to get the wrong idea
about how you found out. Bye.

8.30!

(Light music)

(Plays "Jealous Lover")

- Good evening, Mr. Sheldrake.
- Please, Fran. Not so loud.

Still afraid someone
might see us together?

- Let me take your coat.
- No, Jeff. I can't stay very long.

- Can I have a frozen daiquiri?
- It's on the way.

- I see you went ahead and cut your hair.
- That's right.

- You know I liked it better long.
- I know.

You want a lock to carry in your wallet?

- Evening, lady. Nice to see you again.
- Thank you.

How long has it been, Fran? A month?

Six weeks. But who's counting?

I missed you.

Like old times.

Same booth. Same song.

- It's been hell.
- Same sauce. Sweet-and-sour.

You don't know what it's like,
next to you in that elevator.

"Good morning, Miss Kubelik."
"Good night, Mr. Sheldrake."

I'm still crazy about you, Fran.

Let's not start on that again, Jeff. Please?
I'm just beginning to get over it.

I don't believe you.

Look, Jeff. We had two
wonderful months this summer.

But that was it. Happens all the time.

Wife and kids go away to the country and
the boss has a fling with his secretary,...

..or the manicurist, or the elevator girl.

Come September,
the picnic's over. Goodbye.

The kids go back to school,
the boss goes back to the wife,...

..and the girl...

They don't make these shrimp
like they used to.

I never said goodbye, Fran.

For a while there, you try kidding yourself
that you're going with an unmarried man.

Then one day he keeps
looking at his watch...

..and asks you if any lipstick's showing,...

..then rushes out to catch
the 7.14 to White Plains.

So you fix yourself
a cup of instant coffee...

..and you sit there
by yourself and you think,...

..and it all begins to look so... ugly.

How do you think I felt
riding home on that 7.14 train?

Why do you keep calling me, Jeff?
What do you want from me?

I want you back, Fran.

Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake. I'm full up.
You'll have to take the next elevator.

You're not giving me a chance, Fran.
I have something to tell you.

- Go ahead. Tell me.
- Not here. Can't we go someplace else?

- No. I have a date at 8.30.
- Oh?

- Important?
- Not very, but I'm gonna be there anyway.

- You ready order dinner now?
- No. No dinner.

Just bring us two more drinks, will you?

(Coughs)

Fran, do you remember
that last weekend we had?

Do I! That leaky boat you rented, and me
in a black negligee and a life preserver.

Do you remember what we talked about?

- We talked about a lot of things.
- I mean about my getting a divorce.

We didn't talk about it, Jeff. You did.

You didn't believe me, did you?

They got it on a long-playing record now.
"Music to String Her Along By."

"My wife doesn't understand me. You're
the best thing that ever happened to me."

- That's enough, Fran.
- "Trust me, baby. We'll work it out."

- You're not being funny.
- I wasn't trying.

- Fran, just listen to me for a minute.
- All right. I'm sorry.

I saw my lawyer this morning. I wanted
his advice about the best way to handle it.

- Handle what?
- What do you think?

Let's get something straight, Jeff.
I never asked you to leave your wife.

Of course not. You had
nothing to do with it.

Are you sure that's what you want?

I'm sure... if you'll just tell me
that you still love me.

You know I do.

Fran.

(Woman laughs)

Jeff, darling...

It is getting crowded. Let's get out of here.

(Pianist plays "Jealous Lover")

Taxi!

- Jeff, I have that date, remember?
- But I love you, remember?

- (Whistles)
- Where are we going?

- Not back to that leaky boat?
- I promise.

51 West 67th.

Congratulations.

Would you mind? CC Baxter - that's me.

Thank you.

(Door opens)

(Kirkeby) Hi, Buddy-boy.
Congratulations and all that jazz.

- Hi, fellas.
- Well, you made it, just like we promised.

Quite an office.
Name on the door, rug on the floor.

Teamwork: that's what counts in this
organization. All for one and one for all.

- Know what I mean?
- I have a vague idea.

Baxter, we're a little disappointed
in you, gratitude-wise.

- Oh, I'm very grateful.
- Then why are you locking us out?

Well, it's been sort of rough the past few
weeks, what with my cold and... Like that.

We went to bat for you.
Now you won't play ball with us.

After all, it's my apartment. It's
private property, not a public playground.

So you got yourself a girl. That's OK
with us. But not every night in the week!

How selfish can you get?

Last week I had to use my nephew's car
and take Sylvia to a drive-in in Jersey.

I'm too old for that sort of thing -
I mean in a Volkswagen.

I sympathize with you.
Believe me, I'm very sorry.

- You'll be a lot sorrier.
- Are you threatening me?

Listen, Baxter. We made you
and we can break you.

- Good morning, Mr. Sheldrake.
- Good morning, gentlemen.

- Baxter, do you like your office?
- Yes, sir. I wanna thank you very much.

Don't thank me.
Your friends here recommended you.

- We just dropped by to wish him luck.
- We know you won't let us down.

So long, fellas. Drop in any time.
The door is always open... to my office.

I like the way you handled that, Baxter.

- How does it feel to be an executive?
- Oh, fine.

- I'll work hard to justify your confidence.
- I'm sure you will.

About the apartment. Now that you've got
a raise, can't we afford a second key?

- I guess so.
- You know my secretary, Miss Olsen?

- Oh, yeah. Is she the lucky girl that...?
- Oh, no, no.

I just meant that she's kind of a busybody,
and passing that key back and forth...

- Why take chances?
- You can't be too careful.

Oh, I... have something
I think belongs to you.

- Me?
- I mean the young lady, whoever she is.

- I found it when I got back last night.
- Oh. Thanks.

The mirror is broken.
It was broken when I found it.

- Yeah. She threw it at me.
- Sir?

You know how it is.
They always give you a bad time.

Yeah, I know how it is.

You see a girl every week for laughs and
they think you're gonna divorce your wife.

- Now I ask you, is that fair?
- No, sir. It's very unfair.

- Especially to your wife.
- Yeah.

You know, Baxter, I envy you. A bachelor,
all the dames you want, no complications.

That's the life all right.

- Put me down for Thursday again.
- Roger.

And I'll get that other key.

- Merry Christmas. I'll connect you.
- Merry Christmas. Consolidated Life.

Merry Christmas. I'm ringing.

Yeah? Yeah?!

Where?

You bet!

Somebody watch my line. There's
a swingin' party on the 19th floor!

# Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh

# Hey! Jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh

(Singing continues)

So I said to him "Never again. Either you
get yourself a bigger car or a smaller girl."

Miss Kubelik? Miss...

- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.

- I thought you were avoiding me.
- What gave you that idea?

In six weeks you've only been in my
elevator once, and you kept on your hat.

As a matter of fact, I was rather hurt
that night you stood me up.

I don't blame you. It was unforgivable.

- I forgive you.
- You shouldn't.

You couldn't help it. You can't
suddenly walk out on one man...

..because you have a date
with another man.

- You did the decent thing.
- Don't be too sure.

Just because I wear a uniform,
that doesn't make me a Girl Scout.

A second administrative assistant has
to be a pretty good judge of character.

And as far as I'm concerned, you're tops.

I mean decency-wise and... otherwise-wise.

Cheers.

- One more.
- I shouldn't drink while driving.

You're so right. By the power vested
in me, I declare this elevator out of order.

Shall we join the natives?

- Why not? They seem friendly enough.
- Don't you believe it?

There'll be human sacrifices. White-collar
workers tossed into computers...

..and punched full of little square holes.

- How many drinks did you have?
- Three!

- I thought so.
- Wait. I hear the sound of running water.

- I'll be right back!
- I'll be right here.

(Slurring) Hi!

How's the branch manager
from Kansas City?

- I beg your pardon?
- I'm Miss Olsen.

Mr. Sheldrake's secretary.

So you don't have to
play innocent with me.

He used to tell his wife
I was the branch manager from Seattle...

..four years ago when we were having
a little ring-a-ding-ding.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Before me it was Miss Rossi in Auditing.

And after me it was
Miss Koch in Disability.

And right before you was a Miss, um...

Oh, what's her name? On the 25th floor.

- Would you excuse me?
- What for? You haven't done anything.

It's him. Oh, what a salesman!

Always the last booth
in the Chinese restaurant...

..and the same pitch
about divorcing his wife.

Then, in the end, you wind up
with egg foo yung on your face.

Miss Kubelik!

Well, thank you, Miss Olsen.

Always happy to do a little something
for our girls in uniform.

Are you all right? What's the matter?

Nothing. There are just
too many people here.

Why don't we step into my office? There's
something I want your opinion about.

I have my own office now. I'm the second
youngest executive in this company.

The only one younger is a grandson
of the chairman of the board.

(Whistles) Do you mind?

Miss Kubelik, I would like
your honest opinion.

I've had this under my desk
for a week. It cost me $15.

I haven't been able
to get up enough nerve to wear it.

It's what they call the Junior Executive
model. What do you think?

I guess I made a boo-boo, huh?

- I like it.
- Really?

You wouldn't be ashamed to be seen
with somebody in this hat?

- Of course not.
- Maybe if I wore it a little to one side.

- Is that better?
- Much better.

Since you wouldn't be
ashamed to be seen with me,...

..how about goin' out tonight -
you, me and the bowler?

We'll stroll down 5th Avenue,
sort of break it in.

- This is a bad day for me.
- I understand. Christmas and family.

I'd better get back to my elevator
or I'll be fired.

Don't worry about that. I've got
quite a bit of influence with Personnel.

You know Mr. Sheldrake?

- Why?
- He and I are like that.

Sent me a Christmas card. See?

Makes a cute picture.

I could talk to Mr. Sheldrake.
Get you a promotion.

- Would you like to be an elevator starter?
- Too many girls have seniority over me.

No problem. Why don't we
discuss it over the holidays?

I could call you, pick you up, have
a big unveiling. Am I wearing this right?

I think so. Here.

It's not tilted too much?
This is a conservative firm.

I don't want people
to think I'm an entertainer.

What's the matter?

- The mirror. It's broken.
- Yes, I know.

I like it that way.
Makes me look the way I feel.

(Phone rings)

Your phone.

Yes?

Uh, just a minute.

- If you don't mind, this is sort of personal.
- Have a nice Christmas.

Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

No, I didn't forget. The tree is up and the
Tom and Jerry mix is in the refrigerator.

Yes, sir. Same to you.

(Cheering)

Hey! Where are you goin', Buddy-boy?

The party's just starting.

Listen, kid. Gimme a break.
How about tomorrow afternoon?

I can't take her to that drive-in again.
The car has no heater. Four o'clock. OK?

(Slow band music)

Hey, Charlie! Gimme a shot of bourbon,
and step on it! My sleigh is double-parked!

(Music ends)

You buy me a drink,
I'll buy you some music.

Rum Collins.

Uh...

Rum Collins and...
another one of these little mothers.

("O Come, All Ye Faithful")

You like Castro?

I mean, how do you feel about Castro?

- What is Castro?
- You know. That big shot down in Cuba.

- With the crazy beard.
- What about him?

Cos as far as I'm concerned,
he's a no-good fink.

Two weeks ago I wrote him a letter.
Never even answered me.

That so?

All I wanted him to do was
let Mickey out for Christmas.

- Who's Mickey?
- My husband.

He's in Havana, in jail.

- Mixed up in that revolution?
- Mickey would do nothin' like that.

He's a jockey.
They caught him dopin' a horse.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house

Not a creature was stirrin'...

Nothin'. No action.

Dullsville.

- You married?
- No.

- Family?
- No.

A night like this, it sort of spooks you
to walk into an empty apartment.

I said I had no family. I didn't say
I had an empty apartment.

(Fran crying)

Come on, Fran. Don't be that way.

Are you just gonna
sit there and keep bawling?

You won't talk to me?
You won't tell me what's wrong?

I know you think I'm stalling you but...
when you've been married for 12 years,...

..you just don't sit down to breakfast and
say "Pass the sugar. I want a divorce."

It's not that easy.

Anyway, this is the wrong time. The kids
are off school, my in-laws are visiting.

I can't bring it up now.

(Fran sobs)

This isn't like you, Fran. You were always
such a good sport. Such fun to be with.

That's me. The happy idiot.
A million laughs.

Well, that's a little more like it.
At least you're speaking to me.

A funny thing happened to me
at the office party today.

I ran into your secretary, Miss Olsen.

You know. Ring-a-ding-ding?

And I laughed so much, I like to died.

Is that what's been bothering you, Fran?
Miss Olsen? That's ancient history.

Well, I never was very good at history.

Let me see. There was Miss Olsen,
and then there was Miss Rossi.

No, she came before.
Miss Koch came after Miss Olsen.

- Now, Fran...
- And just think.

Right now some lucky girl in the building
is gonna come after me.

OK. OK, Fran. I guess I deserved that.

But ask yourself: why does a man
run around with a lot of girls?

Because he's unhappy at home.
Because he's lonely. That's why.

But that was before you, Fran.
I've stopped running.

How could I be so stupid?
You'd think I would've learned by now.

When you're in love with a married man,
you shouldn't wear mascara.

It's Christmas Eve, Fran.
Let's not fight, huh?

- Merry Christmas.
- What is it?

Oh. Our friend at the Chinese restaurant.

- Thanks, Fran. We'd better keep it here.
- Yeah, we'd better.

Oh, I have a present for you.

I didn't know what to get you. Besides,
it's kind of awkward for me shopping, so...

Here's $100. You go
and buy yourself something.

They have some nice
alligator bags at Bergdorf's.

I didn't realize it was so late. Its quarter
to seven. I mustn't miss my train.

If we hadn't wasted all this time...
I have to get home and trim the tree.

OK. I just thought,
as long as it was paid for...

Don't ever talk like that, Fran.

- Don't make yourself out to be cheap.
- $100? I don't call that cheap.

And you must be paying somebody
something for the use of the apartment.

Stop it, Fran.

You'll miss your train, Jeff.

Are you coming?

No, you run along. I'm gonna fix my face.

Don't forget to kill the lights.
See you Monday.

Sure. Monday... and Thursday...

..and Monday again, and Thursday again.

It won't always be like this, Fran.

I love you.

Careful. Lipstick.

Merry Christmas.

(Sighs)

("Jealous Lover")

(Sniffs)

(Sobs)

(Big band blues)

- Drink up, pop. It's closing time.
- But it's early, Charlie.

- Don't you know what night this is?
- I know, Charlie. I know.

I work for the outfit.

Hey, knock it off, will ya? Go home.

O-U-T. Out!

Where'll we go? My place or yours?

Might as well go to mine.
Everybody else does.

Poor Mickey. When I think of him
all by himself in that jail in Havana...

Would you like to see his picture?

Not particularly.

He's so cute. He's 5 foot 2, 99 pounds.

Like a little Chihuahua.

- Can I ask you a personal question?
- No.

You got a girlfriend?

She may be a girl
but she is no friend of mine.

- Still stuck on her, huh?
- Obviously you don't know me very well.

- I don't know you at all.
- Permit me.

CC Baxter. Junior executive,
Arthur Murray graduate... lover.

I'm Mrs. MacDougall. Margie to you.

This way, Mrs. MacDougall.

Say! This is snugsville!

Mrs. MacDougall,
it's only fair to warn you...

..you are now alone
with a notorious sexpot.

- No kiddin'!
- Ask anybody around here.

As a matter of fact, when it's time for me
to go - and I may go just like that -

I have promised my body
to the Columbia Medical Center.

Gee! Sort of gives you goose bumps
just to think about it.

They haven't got me yet, baby.
Dig up some ice from the kitchen.

Let's not waste any more time
preliminary-wise.

I'm with you, lover.

(Latin-beat dance music)

(Hums along)

All right, Miss Kubelik. Get up.

Come on. It's past checking-out time.

The management would appreciate it
if you'd get the hell outta here.

I used to like you. I used to like you a lot.
Well, it's all over between us, so beat it.

O-U-T, out!

Come on, wake up.

Oh my God.

Miss Kubelik?

Miss Kubelik?

I broke a nail tryin' to get the tray out.

You oughta buy yourself
a new refrigerator.

I didn't mean right now!

Dr. Dreyfuss.

Doc!

There's a girl in my place, took
some sleeping pills. I can't wake her up.

- Let me get my bag.
- Hurry up!

Hey, over here, lover.
What's all the running around about?

You're gonna wear yourself out.

- Not so rough, honey!
- Good night.

- Good night?!
- The party's over.

What? Did I do somethin' wrong?

It's an emergency.
I'll see you some other time.

Not this one. In there, Doc.

- What's goin' on here, anyway?
- Will you please just get out?!

My shoes!

Some lover you are! Some sexpot!

Here. Find a phone.
Call your husband in Havana.

You bet I will! And when I tell him how
you treated me, he'll push your face in!

You fink!

Is she gonna be all right, Doc?

- How many pills were in that bottle?
- It was half-full. About a dozen.

- Do you have to take her to the hospital?
- Help me, will you?

- Into the bathroom.
- What are you gonna do?

Get that stuff out of her stomach
if it isn't too late.

You'd better put some coffee on,
and pray.

(Fran vomits and coughs)

Bring my bag.

Roll up her right sleeve.

Hold that.

Nice veins.

Wanna tell me what happened?

I don't know. I mean, I wasn't even here.

You see, we had... some words earlier.

It was nothin' serious.
You might call it a lovers' quarrel.

So you went right out
and picked yourself up another dame.

- Something like that.
- You know, Baxter, you're a real cutie pie.

Yes, you are.

If you'd come home half an hour later,
you'd have had quite a Christmas present.

(Kettle whistles)

Get the coffee.

(Fran moans)

Let's get some air in here.
Open the windows.

(Fran coughs)

What's her name?

Miss Kubelik. Fran.

Fran, I'm a doctor. I'm here because
you took too many sleeping pills.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

(Fran moans)

Fran, I'm Dr. Dreyfuss.
I'm here to help you.

You took all those sleeping pills.
Remember?

- Sleeping pills.
- That's right, Fran. And I'm a doctor.

- Doctor?
- Dr. Dreyfuss.

Dreyfuss.

Get more coffee.

Now tell me again. What's my name?

Dr.... Dreyfuss.

And what happened to you?

I...

I took sleeping pills.

Do you know where you are?

- No.
- Yes, you do, Fran. Now concentrate!

I don't know.

Do you know who that is?

Look at him.

Mr. Baxter. 19th floor.

Hello, Miss Kubelik.

Mr.? Miss? Such politeness!

We work in the same building.
We try to keep it quiet.

What are you doing here?

Don't you remember
we were together at the office party?

Oh, yes. The office party.

- Miss Olsen.
- That's right.

I told you we had a fight.
That was what it was about.

Miss Olsen. That girl
that was here earlier.

I don't understand.

The main thing is I got here in time and
you're gonna be all right. Isn't she, Doc?

I'm so tired.

Come on. Drink this.

Please... just let me sleep.

No, you can't sleep! Fran, open your eyes!

Let's get her walking.

We've got to keep her awake for the next
few hours. Now come on, Fran, walk!

One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!

Left, right, left, right,...

..left, right and return!

And... one, two, three, four!

Now you've got it! One, two, three, four!

Walk, Fran! One, two, three, four!

One, two... And return again.

And... left, right, left, right.

She'll sleep on and off
for the next 24 hours.

Of course, she'll have
a dandy hangover when she wakes up.

Just as long as she's OK.

These cases are harder on the doctor than
the patient. I oughta charge by the mile.

- Any of that coffee left?
- Yeah, sure.

How do you spell her last name?

Kubelik. Two k's.

What's her address?

Where does she live?

Why do you wanna know, Doc?

- You don't have to report this, do you?
- It's regulations.

But it was an accident. She had too much
to drink, didn't know what she was doing.

There was no suicide note or anything.

- I'm not thinkin' about myself.
- Aren't you?

She's got a family,
and there's the people at the office.

Can't you forget you're a doctor,
just say you're here as a neighbour?

Well, as a doctor, I can't prove
it wasn't an accident.

But as your neighbour,
I'd like to kick you around the block.

- Mind if I cool this off?
- Help yourself.

I don't know what you did to that girl,...

..but it was bound to happen,
the way you carry on.

Live now, pay later. Diners Club!

Why don't you grow up, Baxter?
Be a mensch.

- You know what that means?
- I'm not sure.

A mensch/ A human being!

So you got off easy this time.
So you were lucky.

But you're not out of the woods yet,
because most of 'em try it again.

Well, you know where I am
if you need me.

Mr. Baxter! Open up already.

Oh.

- Mrs. Lieberman.
- Who did you think it was? Kriss Kringle?

What was going on here last night?

- Last night?
- All that marching! Tramp, tramp, tramp!

- Army manoeuvres maybe?
- I'll never invite those people again.

What you get from renting to bachelors.
All night I didn't sleep ten minutes.

- And I'm sure you woke up Dr. Dreyfuss.
- Don't worry. He was out on a case.

I'm warning you, Mr. Baxter. This is
a respectable house, not a honky-tonky.

Come on, Oscar.

Operator, I want White Plains,
New York. Mr. JD Sheldrake.

Make that person-to-person.

Five, four, three, two, one...

- Let her rip!
- (Phone rings)

I'll get the phone.

Hey, Dad, why don't we
put a fly in the nose cone?

- See if we can bring it back alive.
- That's a thought.

Maybe we should put in two flies
and see if they'll propagate in orbit.

- See if they'll what?
- Propagate. You know. Multiply.

- Baby flies?
- Oh. Oh!

- It's for you, Dad.
- Thanks, Jeff.

A Mr. Baxter. Person-to-person.

Come on. Help me round up some flies.

- Hello? What's on your mind, Baxter?
- Something came up that's important.

I think you should see me
at the apartment as soon as possible.

- What's this all about?
- I didn't wanna tell you over the phone.

But that certain party... You know
who I mean. I found her here last night.

- She took an overdose of sleeping pills.
- What?!

- What is it, Jeff? Who's on the phone?
- One of our employees had an accident.

I don't know why they bother me
with these things on Christmas Day.

Yes, Baxter.

Just how serious is it?

It was touch and go there for a while,
but she's sleeping it off now.

I thought maybe you'd like to
be here when she wakes up.

That's impossible. You'll have to
handle the situation yourself, Baxter.

- As a matter of fact, I'm counting on you.
- Yes, sir. I understand.

She left a letter. Would you like me
to open it and read it to you?

Well, it was just a suggestion.

No, don't worry. I kept your name
out of it, so there'll be no trouble,...

..police-wise or newspaper-wise.

You see, the doctor is a friend of mine,
so we were very lucky in that respect.

Actually, he thinks she's my girl.

No, he just jumped to the conclusion.

Around here I'm known as
quite a ladies' man.

Of course, we're not out of the woods yet.
Sometimes they try it again.

Yes, sir. I'll do my best. It'll take her
a couple of days to fully recover...

..and I may have a little problem
with the landlady.

OK, Mr. Sheldrake. I'll keep her
in the apartment as long as I can.

Isn't there some sort of message
you want me to give her?

Well, I'll... think of something.

Yes, sir. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Baxter.
- What are you doing out of bed?

I didn't know. I had no idea
this was your apartment.

Here. Let me help you.

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

Why didn't you just let me die?

What kind of talk is that? You got
a little overemotional, but you're fine now.

Oh!

Oh, my head! It feels just like
a big wad of chewing gum.

- What time is it?
- Two o'clock.

Oh, my dress. I have to go home.

You're in no shape
to go anywhere but back to bed.

- You don't want me here.
- Sure I do. I...

It's always nice
to have company for Christmas.

- I'm stronger than you are.
- I just wanna brush my teeth.

Oh. Of course. I think I can find
a new toothbrush somewhere.

Here. Put that on.

- How about some breakfast?
- No. I don't want anything.

I'll fix you some coffee.

Oh! We're all out of coffee.
You had quite a lot last night.

Back in a minute.

Mrs. Dreyfuss,
could I borrow some coffee?

- And an orange and a couple of eggs?
- Eggs, he asks me for! Oranges!

What you need is a good horsewhipping!
From me the doctor has no secrets.

Poor girl. How could you do such a thing?

I didn't do anything. Honest. It's just...

You take a girl out just for laughs and
she thinks you're serious marriage-wise.

Big shot! For you, I wouldn't lift a finger!

But for her, I'll fix a little something to eat.

Who are you calling?

My sister, to tell her
what happened to me.

Wait a minute! Let's talk it over first.
Just what are you gonna tell her?

- I haven't figured it out exactly.
- Well, you'd better figure it out exactly.

Suppose she asks you why
you didn't come home last night.

I'll say I spent the night with a friend.

- Who?
- Someone from the office.

- Where are you now?
- In his apartment.

- In his apartment?
- In her apartment.

- What's your friend's name?
- Baxter.

- What's her first name?
- Miss.

- When are you comin' home?
- As soon as I can walk.

- Your legs hurt?
- No, my stomach.

- Your stomach?
- They had to pump it out!

You shouldn't call anybody. Not till you
get the chewing gum out of your head.

They'll be worried about me.
They might call the police.

We have to be careful.
We don't wanna involve anybody.

After all, Mr. Sheldrake's a married man.

Thanks for reminding me!

I didn't mean it that way.

I was just talking to him on the phone.
He's very concerned about you.

He doesn't give a damn about me.

- You're wrong. He told me...
- He's a liar.

But that's not the worst part.

The worst part is I still love him.

(Doorbell)

Oh. That must be Mrs. Dreyfuss.

Remember the doctor from last night?
That's his wife.

So where's the victim?

Max the Knife!

- Nu, little lady, how are we feeling today?
- I don't know. Kind of dizzy.

The best thing for dizzy is noodle soup
with chicken white meat and a glass tea.

- No, thank you. I'm really not hungry.
- Go ahead, eat. Enjoy.

You wouldn't have such a thing
as a napkin, would you?

- I have some paper towels.
- Beatnik.

In my kitchen, third drawer,
under the good silver, are napkins.

Yes, Mrs. Dreyfuss.

So, what are you waiting for?
A singing commercial?

- I can't eat.
- You must eat.

And you must get healthy
and you must forget him.

Such a fine boy he seemed
when he first moved in here.

Clean and cut, a regular lvy Leaguer.

Turns out he's King Farouk,
with the drinking, with the cha-cha.

With the no napkins.

A girl like you, for the rest of your life
you wanna cry in your noodle soup?

Who needs it? Now you listen to me.

You'll find yourself a nice,
substantial man - a widower, maybe -

and settle down, instead of
noshing all those sleeping pills.

For what? For whom?
For some good-time Charlie?

- (Door opens)
- Shh.

One napkin comin' up. Wish we had
some champagne to wrap it around.

- What did I tell you?
- Mrs. Dreyfuss, you don't have to wait.

- I'll wash the dishes.
- You'd break 'em. I'll come back for them.

If he makes trouble, give me a yell.

- She doesn't seem to like you very much.
- Oh, I don't mind.

As a matter of fact, I'm sort of flattered.

That anybody'd think a girl like you would
do a thing like this over a guy like me.

Did you find something here?
An envelope?

Yes. I've got it.

Don't you think we'd better destroy it
so it won't fall in the wrong hands?

Open it.

There's nothing here but a $100 bill.

That's right. Will you see
that Mr. Sheldrake gets it?

Sure.

Take this away, will you?

Would you like me to move
the television set in here?

- You play gin rummy?
- I'm not very good at it.

- I am. Let me get the cards.
- You don't have to entertain me.

There's nothing I'd like better.
You know. Togetherness.

Guess what I did last Christmas. Had
dinner at the automat, went to the zoo,...

..then came home and cleaned up
after Mr. Eichelberger.

He had a little eggnog party here.

So I'm way ahead this year.

Three across. Spades double?

High deals.

Six? Eight.

I think I'm gonna give it all up.

Give what up?

Why do people have to
love people, anyway?

I know what you mean.

Queen.

- I don't want it.
- Pick a card.

What do you call it when somebody keeps
gettin' smashed up in car accidents?

- Bad insurance risk?
- That's me with men.

I was jinxed from the word go. First time
I was ever kissed was in a cemetery.

A cemetery?

I was 15. We used to go there to smoke.

His name was George and
he threw me over for a drum majorette.

Uh, gin.

That's 10, 20... 36.
And 25 makes 61 and two boxes.

I have this talent for falling in love...

..with the wrong guy
in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Well, how many guys were there?

Three.

The last one was the manager of a finance
company back home in Pittsburgh.

They found a shortage in his accounts.

He asked me to wait for him.
He'll be out in 1965.

Cut.

So I came to New York and moved in with
my sister and her husband, a cab driver.

They sent me to secretarial school and
then I applied for a job at Consolidated.

But I flunked the typing test.

- Too slow?
- No. I can type up a storm.

I just can't spell.

So they gave me a pair of white gloves
and stuck me in an elevator.

And that's how I met Jeff.

Oh God, I'm so fouled up.

What am I gonna do now?

Better win a hand. You're on a blitz.

Was he very upset when you told him?

Mr. Sheldrake? Yeah, very.

Maybe he does love me, only he doesn't
have the nerve to tell his wife.

I'm sure that's it.

- You really think so?
- No doubt about it.

Would you hand me that pad and pencil?

- What for?
- I'm gonna write to Mrs. Sheldrake.

- You what?
- As one woman to another.

- I'm sure she'll understand.
- I don't think that's a very good idea.

- Why not?
- For one thing, you can't spell.

Secondly, if you did something
like that, you'd hate yourself.

I don't like myself very much anyway.

Pick up the cards. Let's go.

- Do I have to?
- You bet. I got a terrific hand.

- You really wanna discard that?
- Sure.

Gin.

(Hums nervously)

10, 20, 40, 52 and 25... 77.

Spades are double... 154.

Blitzed. Two games.

(Sylvia hums along to dance music)

(Doorbell)

- (Doorbell)
- All right, all right, Mrs. Dreyfuss.

- Hi, Baxter.
- What do you want?

What do I want? Just a minute.

- You can't come in!
- What's the matter with you?

I made a reservation for four o'clock.

You can't stay.
Take your champagne and go.

I don't wanna pull rank on you,
but I told the little lady it was all set.

Are you gonna leave, Mr. Kirkeby,
or do I have to throw you out?

(Sniggers) Buddy-boy,
why didn't you say so?

- Got yourself a little playmate, huh?
- Now will you get out?

(Sylvia hums dance music)

Hey, come on! What are we waiting for?
Open up, will you?

(Dr. Dreyfuss) Mildred!

- What's holding things up?
- Say, let's have a party, the four of us.

No!

(Sniggers) Well, I don't blame you.

So you hit the jackpot, eh, kid?
I mean Kubelik-wise.

Don't worry.
I won't say a word to anybody.

Stay with it, Buddy-boy.

Who was that?

Just somebody delivering
a bottle of champagne. Like some?

Would you mind opening that window?

- Now don't get any ideas, Miss Kubelik.
- I just want some fresh air.

It's only one storey down.
The best you could do is break a leg.

So they'll shoot me, like a horse.

Please, you gotta promise me
you won't do anything foolish.

- Who'd care?
- I would.

Why can't I ever fall in love
with somebody nice like you?

Yeah. Well...

That's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.

Go to sleep.

- (Women) Good morning, Mr. Sheldrake.
- Miss Olsen, come into my office, please.

- Did you have a nice Christmas?
- Lovely. You were a great help!

Your pep talk to Miss Kubelik
at the office party.

- Sorry, Jeff. I never could hold my liquor.
- I thought you could hold your tongue.

- It won't happen again.
- You bet it won't.

I'll arrange for you to get
a month's severance pay.

That's right, Miss Olsen.
I'm letting you go.

You let me go four years ago, Jeff.

And were cruel enough to make me sit out
there and watch the new models pass by.

I'd appreciate it if you'd be
out of here as soon as you can.

Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

Operator, this is Mr. Sheldrake. I'd like
Mr. Baxter's home telephone number.

He's in Ordinary Premium Accounting.

- (Baxter) Hello?
- Hello. Jeff Sheldrake. Can you talk?

Yes. She's in the shower.

- She's coming along fine, considering.
- Good.

- Is there anything you need? Money?
- No, thank you, Mr. Sheldrake.

As a matter of fact, I have
some money for you. $100.

Oh.

- If there's anything I can do for you...
- For me? I don't think so.

But I was hoping maybe
you could do something for her.

Like what? Put yourself
in my place, Baxter.

How can I help her? My hands are tied.

Well... at least you can talk to her.

Let me put her on. And please, be gentle.

There's a call for you!

- For me?
- Yeah. Mr. Sheldrake.

I don't wanna talk to him.

I think you should.

I gotta run down to the grocery anyway.
There's nothing left here but frozen pizza.

I'll be right back. OK?

Hello, Jeff.

- Yes, I'm all right.
- Why did you do it, Fran?

It's so childish,
and it never solves anything.

I oughta be very angry with you,
scaring me that way.

But let's forget the whole thing, pretend
it never happened. What do you say?

Fran?

Are you there, Fran?

Of course I'm not here, because
the whole thing never happened.

I never took those pills,
I never loved you,...

..we never even met.

- Isn't that the way you want it, Jeff?
- You know I didn't mean it that way.

You just get well.
Do what the nurse says. I mean Baxter.

I'll see you as soon as I can.
Goodbye, Fran.

Hello, Mrs. Sheldrake. This is Miss Olsen.

Fine, thank you. I was wondering
if we could have lunch together.

I don't know how important it is,
but you might find it educational.

It concerns your husband.

All right. One o'clock,
Longchamps, Madison and 59th.

Don't worry. I'm on my way.

Just making a personal call.

Here's a dime.

Going down.

Oh, Mr. Baxter! I'm glad you're here.

- I was just going to get the passkey.
- What for?

I thought I smelled gas
coming from your apartment.

Gas?!

Miss Kubelik?

Miss Kubelik!

- You all right?
- Sure!

- What's that funny smell?
- Gas! Didn't you turn it on?

Yes, to boil water to get
the coffee stains out of my dress.

- You turned it on but you didn't light it.
- Are you supposed to?

In this house you're supposed to.
Hey, what are you doing with that?

I was washing my stockings,
so I thought I'd wash your socks too.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Very curious. I could only find 3� pair.

Things are a little disorganised
around here.

I'd say. What's a tennis racket
doing in the kitchen?

Tennis racket? Oh, I remember.
I was cooking myself an ltalian dinner.

I used it to strain the spaghetti.

- Why not?
- In fact, I'm a pretty good cook.

- Only I'm a lousy housekeeper.
- Yes, you are.

When I was straightening up the couch,
I found six hairpins, a lipstick,...

..a pair of false eyelashes and
a swizzle stick from the Stork Club.

It's just that I'm the kind of guy
who can't say no.

- I don't mean to girls. I mean...
- To someone like Mr. Sheldrake.

- I guess so.
- I know so.

- He's a taker.
- What?

Some people take, some people get took.

And they know they're gettin' took
and there's nothin' they can do about it.

I wouldn't say that.

What would you like for dinner, huh?

Hey. Onion soup, and canned asparagus...

I really should be getting home.

- My family'll be flipping by now.
- You can't leave yet.

The doctor said it takes 48 hours
to get that stuff out of your system.

How long does it take to get someone
you're stuck on out of your system?

If only they'd invent
some kind of pump for that.

I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You
think it's the end of the world. But it's not.

I went through exactly
the same thing myself.

- You did?
- Well, not exactly the same.

I tried to do it with a gun.

- Over a girl?
- Worse. It was the wife of my best friend.

And I was mad about her. But I knew
it was hopeless and I decided to end it all.

I went to a pawnshop and I bought a .45
automatic and I drove up to Eden Park...

- Do you know Cincinnati?
- No, I don't.

Anyway, I parked the car
and I loaded that gun...

You read in the papers that people shoot
themselves. Believe me, it's not that easy.

I mean, how do you do it?
Here? Here? Here?

- Know where I finally shot myself?
- Where?

- Here.
- In the knee?!

Yeah! I was sittin' there, tryin' to decide.

A cop came up because
I was illegally parked.

I tried to hide the gun
under the seat and it went off.

- That's terrible!
- It was a year till I could bend the knee.

But I got over the girl in three weeks.

Still lives in Cincinnati.
Has four kids and gained 20 pounds.

Sends me a fruitcake every Christmas.

Are you just making this up
to make me feel better?

Of course not! Here's the fruitcake.

- Do you wanna see my knee?
- No, thank you.

The fellas in the office might
get the wrong idea how I found out.

Let 'em! Look, I'm gonna cook dinner
for us. We'll have fruitcake for dessert.

You just sit there and rest.
You've done enough for today.

- Yes, Nurse.
- (Baxter hums opera music)

- Can I help you?
- I'm lookin' for Miss Kubelik.

- So am I. She didn't report this morning.
- She didn't? Who's in charge here?

That comes under General Office
Administration. Mr. Dobisch, 21st floor.

Thanks.

So I take Sylvia up to the apartment, and
guess who he's stashed in the bedroom.

- Who?
- Kubelik.

No kiddin'? Buddy-boy and Kubelik
having a little toot?

Toot? More like a lost weekend.
Neither of 'em showed up for work today.

AWOL, hm?

What gripes me is
they guzzled my champagne...

..while Sylvia and I wound up
at the Guggenheim Museum.

- Mr. Dobisch?
- Yeah.

I'm Karl Matuschka. My sister-in-law
runs one of the elevators. Fran Kubelik.

- Miss Kubelik?
- You know her?

Of course. We have a lot of employees,
but we're one big, happy family.

She lives with us, and my wife's nervous
cos Fran hasn't been home for two days.

That so?

So we wondered if somebody here
knew what happened to her.

I see.

What do you think, Al?
Can we help the man?

Why not? We don't owe
Buddy-boy anything.

Yeah. What's Buddy-boy
done for us lately?

Who is Buddy-boy?

(Hums opera music)

- Are we dressing for dinner?
- No. Just come as you are.

- You're pretty good with that racket.
- You should see my backhand.

Wait till you see me serve the meatballs.

- Shall I light the candles?
- It's a must, gracious living-wise.

(Hums opera music)

# Meatball

(Hums)

Meatball

(Baxter continues humming)

- You bought some napkins.
- Might as well go all the way.

(Baxter hums)

You know, I used to live
like Robinson Crusoe.

Shipwrecked, among eight million people.

And then one day I saw
a footprint in the sand...

..and there you were.

It's a wonderful thing, dinner for two.

- Do you usually eat alone?
- No. Sometimes I eat with Ed Sullivan.

Or sometimes Dinah Shore
or Perry Como.

The other night it was Mae West.
She was much younger then. Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Know what we're gonna do after dinner?

- The dishes.
- I mean after that.

- What?
- You don't have to if you don't want to.

- Oh, I don't?
- We're gonna finish the gin game.

- So keep a clear head.
- (Doorbell)

Cos I don't wanna take advantage of you,
the way I did yesterday in bed.

- Baxter?
- Yes.

What's with you, Fran?
Did you forget where you live?

- My brother-in-law, Karl Matuschka.
- Oh! How do you do, Mr. Matusch...

- Get dressed. I got the cab downstairs.
- Wait. I know what you're thinking, but...

It's none of my business
what you do. You're over 21.

- But your sister thinks you're a lady.
- All we were gonna do was eat!

If there wasn't a lady present,
I'd clobber you.

All right, Karl! I'll get dressed.

Want a martini?

How about some spaghetti
with meat sauce that I cooked myself?

Your sister-in-law sure is terrific.

It must be murder drivin' a cab
in New York with the cross-town traffic.

(Door opens)

Hi, Baxter. How's the patient?

Oh, uh... I'm fine, Doc.

Not you. Miss Kubelik.

- What's the matter with Miss Kubelik?
- This is Mr. Matuschka. He's... got a cab.

- Fran been sick?
- No. Just a little accident.

- What does he mean, accident?
- Well... these things happen all the time.

What things? What kind
of a doctor are you?

Not that kind! He just gave her
a shot, pumped out her stomach.

- What for?
- I took sleeping pills. But I'm fine now.

- Why'd you take sleeping pills?
- On account of me.

You?

Who else?

Leave him alone!

Oh, you fool. You damn fool.

- (Karl) Come on, Fran.
- Goodbye, Mr. Baxter.

Goodbye, Doctor.

Well, I don't wanna gloat, but
just between us, you had it coming to you.

(Tuts)

You're gonna have a shiner tomorrow.

Let me get my bag.

Don't bother, Doc.

It doesn't hurt a bit.

Mr. Sheldrake's office? This is CC Baxter.

Please tell him I'd like to
come up and see him. It's important.

Will you call me back, please?

Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you.

All your troubles are over.

I'm gonna take Miss Kubelik
off your hands.

The plain fact is, I love her.

I thought you should be the first to know.

After all, you don't really
want her, and I do.

And though it may sound presumptuous,
she needs somebody like me.

- So I think it would be best all around.
- (Phone rings)

Solution-wise.

Yes?

I'll be right up.

Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you.

All your troubles are over.

19.

- Hi, Buddy-boy. What happened to you?
- Hit by a swinging door?

- Or a yellow cab?
- That guy really must've belted him.

Yeah. He's punchy. Talking to himself.

27.

Those two days
she spent in the apartment...

..made me realise
how lonely I'd been before.

But, thanks to you, I'm
in a financial position to marry her.

If I can ever square things with her family.

Good morning. CC Baxter.

(Intercom buzzer)

- Mr. Baxter is here.
- Send him in.

Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you.

And I've got good news for you, Baxter.

- All your troubles are over.
- Sir?

I know how worried you were
about Miss Kubelik. Stop worrying.

I'm going to take her off your hands.

- You're gonna take her off my hands?
- That's right.

I've moved out of the house.

I'm gonna be staying in town,
at the Athletic Club.

- You left your wife.
- If you must know, I fired my secretary.

My secretary got to my wife, and my wife
fired me. Ain't that a kick in the head?

Yeah.

Now what's your news, Baxter?

It's about Miss Kubelik. She's feeling
all right again so she went home.

Swell. And don't think
I've forgotten what you did for me.

This way, Baxter.

Sit down. Try it on for size.

- You like? It's all yours.
- Mine?

My assistant has been shifted to the
Denver office and you're taking his place.

What's the matter?
You don't seem very excited.

Well, it's just that so many things
have been happening so fast.

I'm very pleased.
Especially for Miss Kubelik.

I think she's the kind of girl that definitely
ought to be married to... someone.

Sure, sure. But first the property has to be
settled. Then it takes six weeks in Reno.

Meanwhile I'm going to enjoy
being a bachelor for a while.

Oh, Baxter, you now can have lunch
in the executive dining room.

That's one of the privileges
that goes with this job.

You also get a nice little expense account,
use of the executive washroom...

Say, what happened to you, Baxter?

- I got kicked in the head too.
- Oh?

Good evening, Mr. Baxter.

Oh.

Miss Kubelik. How are you feeling?

- I feel fine. How's your eye?
- Oh, fine.

- How are things at the apartment?
- Nothing's changed.

- We never did finish that gin game.
- I know.

I suppose you heard about Mr. Sheldrake.

Leaving his wife? Yeah.
I'm very happy for you.

- I never thought he'd do it.
- I told you all along.

- You were wrong about Mr. Sheldrake.
- I guess so.

You were wrong about me too.

What you said about those who take
and those who get took.

Mr. Sheldrake wasn't using me.
I was using him. See?

Last month I was at desk 861 on
the 19th floor. Now I'm on the 27th floor.

A panelled office, three windows.

So it all worked out fine.
We're both getting what we wanted.

Yes. Will you walk me to the subway?

No, thank you. Well, I... To tell you the
truth, I have this heavy date for tonight.

- Aren't you meeting Mr. Sheldrake?
- No. You know how people talk.

I decided it was best not to see each other
until everything was settled, divorce-wise.

That's very wise.

- Good night, Mr. Baxter.
- Good night.

- Baxter, could you step in here a minute?
- Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

- There you are.
- Much obliged.

Here are the figures on staff turnover. 37%
of females leave to get married and 22%...

Baxter, you work too hard.
It's New Year's Eve. Relax!

- Yes, sir.
- I suppose you'll be celebrating tonight.

- Naturally.
- I'm taking Miss Kubelik out.

- I finally talked her into it.
- I see.

The only thing is, I'm staying at the
Athletic Club and it's strictly stag, so...

If you don't mind?

- Don't mind what?
- You know my key to your apartment?

When we had that little scare
about Miss Kubelik,...

- ..I threw it out the window of the train.
- Very clever.

So now I'll have to borrow your key.

- Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake.
- What do you mean, sorry?

You're not bringing anybody
to my apartment.

- It's not just anybody. It's Miss Kubelik.
- Especially not Miss Kubelik.

- How's that again?
- No key.

Baxter, I picked you for my team because
I thought you were a bright young man.

Do you realise what you're doing?
Not to me, but to yourself?

Normally it takes years
to work your way up to the 27th floor.

But it only takes 30 seconds
to be out on the street again.

- You dig?
- I dig.

So what's it going to be?

- Now you're being bright.
- Thank you, sir.

- Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.
- No, I didn't.

But this is the key
to the executive washroom.

That's right. I won't be needing it
because I'm all washed up around here.

- What's gotten into you?
- Just following doctor's orders.

I've decided to become a mensch.
Know what that means? A human being.

- Now hold on, Baxter.
- The old payola won't work any more.

Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.

(Doorbell)

- We're having a party and ran out of ice.
- Sure, Doc.

How come you're alone
on New Year's Eve?

Well, I got things to do.

- What's this? You're packing?
- Yeah. I'm giving up the apartment.

Where are you moving to?

I don't know. All I know is
I gotta get outta this place.

Sorry to lose you, Baxter.

Me? Oh, my body. Don't worry, it'll go to
the university, Doc. I'll put it in writing.

- Could you use some champagne?
- Booze we don't need.

Say, why don't you join us?

We got two brain surgeons, a proctologist
and three nurses from Bellevue.

No, thanks. I don't feel like it.

In case I don't see you again, how much
do I owe you for taking care of that girl?

Forget it. I didn't do it as a doctor.
I did it as a neighbour.

By the way, whatever happened to her?

You know me with girls.
Easy come, easy go.

- Goodbye, Doc.
- Happy New Year.

(Lively music and chatter)

Sorry I took so long
on the phone. We're all set.

- For what?
- I rented a car. It'll be here at one.

- We're driving to Atlantic City.
- Atlantic City?

I know it's a drag, but you can't find
a hotel room in town on New Year's Eve.

Ring out the old year, ring in the new.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

I didn't plan it this way. It's Baxter's fault.

Baxter?

He wouldn't give me
the key to the apartment.

- He wouldn't?
- No. He just walked out on me. Quit.

Threw that big, fat job right in my face.

- The nerve.
- The little punk. After all I did for him.

Said I couldn't bring anybody to the
apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik.

What's he got against you, anyway?

I don't know. I guess that's the way
it crumbles, cookie-wise.

What are you talking about?

I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell.

(All) # Should auld acquaintance be forgot

# And never brought to mind...

Happy New Year, Fran.

# And days of auld lang syne

# For auld lang syne, my dear

# For auld lang syne

# We'll drink a cup of kindness yet

# For auld lang syne

(Cheering)

(Horns and whistles)

Fran?

Where are you, Fran?

(Bang)

Mr. Baxter!

Mr. Baxter!

Mr. Baxter! Mr. Baxter!

Oh!

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

Are you sure? How's your knee?

I'm fine all over.

- Mind if I come in?
- Of course not.

Let me get another glass.

- Where are you going?
- Who knows?

Another neighborhood,
another town, another job.

I'm on my own.

That's funny. So am I.

What'd you do with the cards?

In there.

What about Mr. Sheldrake?

I'm gonna send him
a fruitcake every Christmas.

Cut.

I love you, Miss Kubelik.

Three.

Queen.

Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik?
I absolutely adore you.

Shut up and deal.