All language subtitles for Bad Shabbos (2024)_track3_[eng]

Okay, okay.

This one is better.

Another one?
Oh, you're killing me.

Aw, come on, you don't
want to hear 'em, I won't tell 'em.

- No, no, no, tell.
- Oh, now you want to hear it?

- Tell the joke, I'd love to hear it.
- Okay, all right.

So, this Rabbi and his prized student
are walking in the old country, right?

And they decide to pitch their tent

for the night in some pasture,
and they fall asleep.

Yeah.

A few hours later, the Rabbi wakes up

and-- and he-- he shakes,

he shakes his student
and says, "Avi, Avi, wake up!

Look up. What do you see?"

And he says,
"I see a million stars, Rabbi."

And he said, "But what do you
learn from this?"

And he thinks,
and he looks up, and says--

- Oh, shit!
- What?

Sheesh.

We gotta pick up a challah.

So, your parents are good on Shabbos?

Yeah, they, I mean,
they know what this is.

They just haven't been to one before.

Okay, I just don't want them to freak out.

They're not gonna freak out.

I told them to expect some prayers

and to keep their phones in their pockets.

Great. Hi, Gary.

You guys ready for tonight?

H-how do you know about that?

Your dad was here earlier.

Okay. you mind putting this on my tab?

You know, I'll put on your mom's.

That's the one I was talking about.

- Love you, Gary.
- Love you.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Oh, watch out.

The hottest couple
on the Upper West Side coming through.

- Oh, I don't know about that.
- Aw, come on, now.

Oh, David...

I got the menorah, brother.

Mmm.

You know what it's gonna be, right?

It's gonna be lit.

It's gonna be lit!

So, you guys, uh, ready for tonight?

You talked to my Dad?

Yeah we kind of talked
a little bit. Y'all nervous?

- No.
- Very.

- Well...
- Well, you just seemed like--

- I think I'm a little--
- I'm, like, excited, but--

Guys it'll be fine, come on.

I tell you what,
when Cano takes over my shift,

I'll pop upstairs and I'll
smooth things out.

You good with in-laws from Wisconsin?

I am great with in-laws from Wisconsin.

Read my resume, brother.

- Well, there we go.
- There we go.

And, Meg, you have nothing to worry about.

Just make sure you sit
next to my guy Richie.

Oh, well, I usually sit next to this guy,

but maybe I won't this time.

Mrs. Grundwerg, good to see you.

She seems great.

Seriously, I mean David's cool
and all, but Richie?

Come on man, Richie's the shit.

- Am I right?
- You are right.

- She agrees with me.
- I do agree with you.

Richie is the shit.

- Good Shabbos, guys!
- Good Shabbos!

It's "Good Shabbos," right?

- Yeah, that's it.
- Shabbos.

Just that your mom
always corrects me, so I just-- I want--

No, it's perfect. You said it perfectly.

- Shabbos?
- Yeah, you always say it perfectly.

Okay.
- Yeah, it's impeccable.

- All right.
- You're so good.

- Good.
- You look good. You are good.

- Marry me.
- Well, I'm going to.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- We should have eloped.
- Yeah, I agree.

Okay.

- Good?
- Yeah. What?

Just smudged a little...

What about the macaroni salad?

That's for Adam.

Oh. Well, what about the
marinated mushrooms?

I mean, nobody even likes them.

You eat the marinated mushrooms.

- No I don't.
- I've seen you eat it.

No, I only eat it
because you buy it.

I only buy it because you eat it.

- Good Shabbos!
- Good Shabbos!

Oh, my God!
Oh, they've arrived!

You've arrived!

- Yeah, yeah.
- And you brought the challah, too.

Couldn't forget that.

Yeah, we got the fruit, too.

Oh, you got fruit, too?
They got fruit, too.

- Can you believe it?
- Oh, that's so thoughtful.

- Is it cut?
- No, but I can cut it.

Oh, no, that's okay.
You enjoy yourself.

It's really, it's fine.
It's like the one thing I know how to do.

Oh, that's a... milchig knife.

- Oh!
- David, forks!

- Yeah, okay.
- Right here.

Oh, sorry.

- There you go.
- Thank you. Super.

And it's called
the Alexander Technique?

Yeah, you know, I feel a straight spine

gives you a sense of calm,
you know, a sense of...

- authority. I like that.
- Uh-huh.

Hey, what did you think of
the book, by the way?

About Alexander Technique?

No, no. Non-Violent Communication,

- N.V.C.
- Oh, yeah, N.V.C.

Um, you know... I bought it.

Oh, hey, David, it's a game changer.

I think it's gonna help you
at the office, too.

Yeah, you know, I just,

I don't know how much it's gonna help
with negotiations, Dad.

David, it is about everything,
every facet of life.

Okay.

You look insane.

But I feel good.

All right.

Should I cut the other half?

Oh!

Is that okay?

- I'll take over.
- No, no, I can do it.

- No, no, no, it's fine.
- No, Ellen, please, I enjoy it, it's fine.

- Could you just--
- What?

I...I like to serve it in cubes.

Yeah. No, I-- totally. I get it.

It's a quick fix. It's easy.

Okay.
- Yeah.

I'll be sure to bring my
melon baller next time.

So, um, the Rabbi was saying

something really-- really funny
yesterday after class.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

He was saying how um, well,
the good thing about converts

is that we bring new genes to the pool

so that can help
with diseases like colitis

- and, um--
- I don't have colitis.

No, I know. No, sorry.

I think that he meant
in general that it's--

But no one in our
family has that problem.

No, right. So, I think he just--

I think he meant as like a, like a joke.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Oh, my baby! There's my little zeeskeit!

Aw, look at the face.

Look at the face, look at the face!

Hey, Mom, we need some glasses.

Okay, check the dishwasher.

Hi, Larry. Oh, you're
making little cubes.

Did you say hello to your brother?

Uh, no, I was helping
Dad with the--

Well, go say hi.

He probably heard you come in.
I bet he's already offended.

- I'll be right back.
- You don't have to be right back.

Uh-huh.

Richard, I was talking to
Jordan downstairs.

He loves you.

Ha! Jordan's the shit.

Hey, come on, you can do
that on the balcony.

Uh, no, thank you.

I've heard enough from your
dad about oral fixations.

- Who are you texting?
- You want to check it?

We're 20 minutes late.
Can you please just--

Tell them I'm parking the car.

What?

What?

No car. No car on Shabbos.

We don't drive on Shabbos!

And yet...

Okay, this is-- this is what we'll say.

We forgot the wine. Here, take this.

So, you went to pick it up on 74th Street.

Great.

So can you say it?

We forgot the wine, and I got it--

On 74th Street!

On 74th.

This is mine. I'm taking this. Okay?

Richard, there won't be
anything left for dinner.

- Hello!
- Finally she's here.

Abella!

What happened?

What do you mean? The Uber just was late.

Well, you should have
checked Lyft.

The fastest option would be driving.

- What?
- Hey, Abb.

- Hey!
- Hi! Ah...

Where's Benjamin? Is he coming?

Yeah, he's coming.
He's just grabbing wine.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

And things are good?

Yeah! Very good.

Good.

With your face,
why are you doing that?

What? No, nothing.

- You did mention that--
- Mom!

No, nothing, good.
I'm glad everything's good.

- Great.
- Okay, good, good.

- I'm glad it's great.
- It's very good.

Yeah.

Uh, it's David.

Alexa pause.

Pause, bitch!

Hey, bud.

Hey, I'd hug you, but I'm really sweaty.

That's okay.

Are those my boxers?

No.

Why don't you get in the shower, man?

No, I'm way too stressed right now.

That's nice. I thought
Abby was the only one

who cared about making a good impression.

What you talking about?
Abby only gives a shit about herself.

The way she lets her boyfriend
speak to me? It's disgusting.

Let's just maybe, like,
cool it on Benjamin.

- Benjamin? That slimy cocksuck?
- Okay.

Imagine if I had a girlfriend
who was rude to Abby.

Do you think I'd try to be fair?

Do you think I would
giggle and say, "Be nice?" No.

- No. No, no.
- I'd get mad at my girlfriend,

and I probably already would
have dumped her by this point

if she's the type of person
to denigrate my siblings.

So this has nothing to do
with Meg's parents?

- I don't know Meg's parents.
- Well, you know, they're--

I'm sure they're fine.
Meg's really nice.

Adam, they're coming for dinner tonight.

Oh, cool. I'm excited to meet them.

Yeah, so maybe don't
start any shit with Abby or--

Benjamin that philandering cocksuck?

Sure, yeah, the cocksuck.
Just be quiet or be nice. Please?

- He starts shit with me, man.
- I know.

- You know that.
- I know!

But these people, they're like...

not used to families arguing.

What are they, Mormon?

No, they're polite. Okay?

- So, please, I am beg--
- Okay, okay.

Don't worry. I won't strike first.

- Thank you.
- But...

If he provokes me,

I will respond with full force.

Okay.

Oh. Right back to it.

- David!
- Hey, Ben!

What's crappening? Any secret tips for me?

- Tips?
- Mergees, acquisishees?

No, only uh, well,
Meg's parents are coming tonight. So...

so the merging of-of fam-families.

I'm sorry, man. That is rough.

Well, listen, don't worry about it,

just keep playing the role
of nice boyfriend

and look to the bachelor party.

Bachelor party?

You know, where it's gonna be,
what we're gonna do.

I haven't really thought
about it that much.

Oh, you know what, Meg and her
friends are doing a spa day,

Maybe we can hop on that train.

That's good. You're in character.

All right. Yo?
- Ben, just a small favor.

Could you just maybe
take it easy on Adam tonight,

you know, try to avoid any open conflict?

- What, did he say something?
- No, nothing.

It's just, you know, last week
and the week before that...

- I never start it.
- I know.

- You know that.
- I know.

Why would I pick a fight with a toddler?

That's exactly the type
of thing you shouldn't say.

David, David, you'll be great.

Thank you. Not worried...

about me.

Everyone, phones off and away.

It's time to light. Abby, come.

Richard.

- Sorry.
- Did you light yet?

Oh, no, no, I haven't practiced
the blessing enough yet.

- It's fine.
- Okay, well, now's your chance.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

- You crushed that.
- Thank you.

- Good Shabbos.
- Good Shabbos.

- Good Shabbos.
- Good Shabbos.

Oh, God.

- Oh, hey, Benj!
- Richie.

- Hey.
- How you doing?

- Good, yeah.
- You good?

What do you-- what do you got there?

A little Galina Bordeaux.

- Galina?
- Grapes from Israel,

but the varietal's from France.

- Varietal?
- Varietal.

It's got the wax seal.
That's how you know it's fancy.

Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you.

- Happy to.
- Thank you for that.

But you know what?

I go for the... Reserva tequila.

God, I hate it here.

I don't think we're
gonna do it in New York. It's too--

Meg, I tell you,
tonight is gonna be terrific.

I promise you, I have a million questions
for your parents.

Here you go, Ben.

I'm so happy to hear that, Richard.

I do love that we pregame family dinner.

- Yeah.
- Me too.

Well, you know, Wisconsin
is the number-one exporter of cheese,

so one state is making all this
delightful cheese for everybody to enjoy.

- Cheese, yeah.
- Uh-huh.

You know her parents
aren't farmers, right?

Yeah, but my Grandpa
was a cheese fanatic,

so my Dad loves talking cheese.

God, I miss dairy.
I would murder for a slice of pizza.

Yeah, not as long as we share
a bathroom. Cheers.

Richie, what do we got?

Oh, that's a tequila cosmo.

How long has it been?

Oh, since I've had pizza
or dairy in general?

Ellen, it's such a good question.

I want to say, God,
I want to say college? Maybe even earlier.

- Been a while.
- Mmm, that would kill me.

Where is Adam?

- Probably taking a nap.
- No, he's changing, Ben.

You know, Adam's been working out a lot.

You know, he's really dedicated.

He's very buff. He's become very buff.

Yeah, I mean,
not mass, but dense-- denser.

Yeah, he works out in his room.
You know, just simple calisthenics.

He should try going to a gym.

- Well--
- Adam's a homebody.

- Right.
- But he doesn't, like, work,

doesn't... explore.

Well, he worked for Benjamin this summer.

For two weeks.

It was a memorable two weeks.

He knows what he wants,
and he knows what he doesn't want.

He refused to learn PowerPoint.

Abby!

Hey, Adam!

- Adam!
- Hey, the Golden Intern.

Good thing you don't need to use
PowerPoint in the Navy SEALs.

There he is.

Does the Israeli army
have a Navy SEALs, Adam?

It's called Shayetet,
IDF's most elite combat unit.

IDF? You can't go to the IDF.

What do they need you for?

I'm sure any military would welcome
young men in peak physical condition.

Physical and mental condition.
Don't forget your sharp mind, Adam.

Um, Mom,
the food smells delicious--

How can you go to the IDF?
You don't even speak the language.

I know the aleph bet,
the building blocks of the language.

Wow. That's impressive.

I really don't think you need to comment.

♪ Alef Bet Gimmel... ♪

- What's with the comments?
- It's fine.

- Sing it, Adam.
- I am singing it.

- And then it's Vav, right?
- Yeah, Vav.

Whoa, very good, Meg!

Thank you.

♪ Yud, Chaf, Lamen, Mem, Nun-- ♪

I think he's ready to deploy.

What is with you?

You have this weird
obsession. It's strange--

I'm saying nice things. You're
all acting like he's an idiot.

- We're not saying that he's an idiot.
- No one's saying he's an idiot.

I need a Klonopin.

Aw, Adam!

It's not "Aw." There's no "Aw!"

Yeah, but Klonopin
gets you all constipated.

Mom!

Great, now he's gonna
be pissed all of dinner.

No, he's about to get zonked out.
This'll be better.

Hey, David, got an idea for you.

Maybe you should chill a little.

All the nights to do this
stupid bullshit and pick a fight.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, so it's not about Adam.

It's just about you
and your perfect night.

- You're so self-obsessed.
- What's wrong with that?

- Oh, they're running late.
- Thank God.

Adam!

Adam. Hey!

- Big A!
- How you feeling, sweetie?

Thank you all for the concern,

but I'm always one Klonopin
away from total serenity.

That's good, Adam.

It is good, Abby. It's very good.

Some Klonopin and a little mindfulness.
That's the key.

Probably pretty important for the army.

It's definitely key, Meg.

Based on my research,

a good soldier has to ignore
every distraction,

no matter how
morally debased his enemy is.

Dad, can I refill your glass?

Oh, sure!

I think the Klonopin's helping.

Who knows?

Hey, who wants to play Bananagrams
while we're waiting?

- Oh, my God.
- No one wants to play, but--

- I do!
- You wanna play?

- Well, I would--
- Maybe after dinner.

No, I'll set it up. Just a round.

- No, she said after dinner.
- We'll do a warm-up.

We said no.

Look, you know,
we always start playing and you love it.

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Nobody wants to play!

Okay.
- Dad!

Agreed. Nobody wants to play.

Okay. Just an idea.

- We'll play after dinner.
- Okay.

It's never as good after dinner
because people are drunk and tired.

Beth, John,

all the way from Milwaukee.

Beth,

John, Big John, thanks for
coming all the way from--

from Milwaukee. I love you.

Hey, Papa John!

Don't... say that.

You got this.

Hey, Ben, I'm really--

Wonderful.

I'm not saying he was being nice.

You're saying he was trying
to make conversation,

and I'm saying I don't think
it was a good conversation.

I agree.

Okay, well maybe if somebody
asked him a question,

he wouldn't feel the need to discuss Adam.

So, you're saying that Mom is
not warm enough to Benjamin,

and you're saying that
Benjamin focuses on topics

that are not really helpful
in terms of the family dynamic.

Why is he doing that?
Why is he saying everything we're saying?

It's that book.
It tells him to narrate conversations.

Well, we wouldn't need a narrator
if everybody would read the book.

- N.V.C. Non-Violent Communication.
- You should put Adam first.

Adam is family.
He's gonna be around forever.

- Benjamin, we're not so sure.
- What does that mean?

Well, I mean, you're the one
who said that, you know--

Ah! Not now.

A couple of weeks ago,
you said you were gonna break up with him.

But I haven't found the right moment.

It's tough to find the right moment
when you're so far apart.

He lives in Williamsburg.

If you have to go over a bridge,
it might as well be Jersey.

Hey, where is Benjamin?
I need to apologize to him.

- For what?
- Dad, please don't.

He needs to know that I have things
to say to him.

He doesn't,
and he's probably gonna be a while.

Well, that's because he's hurting.

- I think it's 'cause he has an issue.
- Mmm.

What issue?

It's like a medical thing.
What do you care?

I don't care. I just didn't know
he had an issue.

It's just colitis. He's not dying.

Yeah, what is that exactly?

It's the reason he can't have dairy.

Colitis makes the linings
of your intestines all puffy.

Doesn't the Meshbesher kid
have that? What was his name?

Going to the bathroom
becomes a very dangerous thing.

Ron! Ron Meshbesher.
Ron. That's his name.

Wait, you said that the Rabbi
said something funny about colitis, right?

Oh, um, no, no, no. It was--
It was offensive, actually.

- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.

Benj...

Buddy?

How you doing in there?

Hello?

Benj! Ha-ha!

Yeah. Yeah, that's great. That's-- yeah.

No, that's very funny.

Say nothing if you're okay?

Okay.

I feel like Mom knows
I drove on Shabbos.

If she knew, you'd know.

Yeah.

Can't you just tell her that

Benjamin drives and you're
just, like, in the car and...

Umm...

You know, you could try, be like,

"Hey, Mom, sometimes I
get in the car on Shabbos."

"Officer, sometimes I travel
with a kilo in my carry-on."

Well, whatever.
I don't think it could be worse

than her reaction to when David
told her about our engagement.

Oh, no. What'd she say?

I told you what she said.

No, you just told me that she disapproved.

Oh! No, you can tell her.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- You can say.
- Do it!

- Fine.
- Tell her.

All right.
It was after Grandpa died

- and she was sitting Shiva and--
- Ho-ho! Perfect timing.

I don't know. I thought now's
as good a time as any.

She'll never be more upset
than she is right now.

So I sat down next to her
and I said, "Mom,

I proposed to Meg and she said yes."

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

And she turned to me
and did that blank stare that she does.

Perfect.

And just goes, "I just started
mourning my father.

Now I have to mourn my son."

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- Yeah, it's been a while, though.

I'm pretty sure she loves me now.

I mean, she has gotten better.

She has, you know, I mean, ever since
you started taking the classes.

- Yeah, um...
- You know I'm on your side, right?

No, I know. I'd just like
my parents there, too.

What do you mean?

Well, they're just firmly Catholic,

and I kind of want them to be

on board with the whole conversion thing.

- And they're just a little--
- Hey, yeah, that's sweet.

That's really sweet.

David, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, bud.

Is he okay?

Well, no, he's on pills
and they're not working.

Nice.

He won't come out.

Okay.

He's been in there for many minutes.

Okay.

Benjamin, everything okay in there?

Benj!

You sure he's in there?

Mm-hmm.

Where's the key?

I don't know.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

There's something I need to say.

Okay.

Benjamin took my laxatives.

What do you mean?

He asked me for a laxative,
so I gave him one.

Benjamin asked you for a laxative?

- Did you slip him a laxative?
- Shit!

Did you actually do that?
You know he has colitis!

- Well, now I do!
- Oh, God!

Okay. Okay. So you gave him a laxative.

- 3.
- 3?

- I gave him 3.
- That's so many.

I crushed it into a powder
because, you know,

you don't know how much he's gonna drink.

Right, of course. Basic science!

This was just supposed to make him shit.

Why are you like this?

Of course you pull this shit
on the one night

that Meg's parents are coming to town.

You know what? He is such a prick to me!

This was just a goof.
I was just razzing him.

Shush!

Let's just find the key.

Adam.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

What? Oh, I smell it!

All right, Benj, I'm coming in!

Oh, God!

No, no, no, no, no.

- Does he have a pulse?
- No.

- Adam, does he have a pulse!
- No!

Initiating compressions.

Should I--
Should I do the mouth part, or--

- No, that's obsolete!
- Yeah.

Don't worry. I never lose a man.

He's a goner.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

We have to... discuss.

There's nothing to discuss.

Wait! Wait!

I just want to make sure
you don't do anything stupid.

Me?

Okay, Okay, he's toast, Okay?

There's absolutely no
chance of him surviving.

Look, I understand, and I'm here for you.

And I love you.

You're my brother.
But right now we got to call an ambulance.

No, no, no, no.
David, David, David, David, David...

Look... he's been in there for
well over 8 minutes.

He's toast.

Stop saying that. Nobody says that.

But he is!

We're not just gonna leave
a dead body in there.

Use your head! As soon
as they do the bloodwork,

it's gonna be obvious
what happened to him.

Why?

Because he has a prescription
laxative in his system

and there's only one person
in this house who can't take a shit!

Well, hopefully they don't check for that.

Hopefully?!

Get out of my way.

Adam, stop! Stop it!

This is nice.

Yes.

- No, no!
- That's great, I'm gonna go to Rikers.

- Rikers is closing.
- A different jail then!

- Yeah.
- Look, this was an accident, okay?

I can handle warfare. We both know that,

but not jail.

I can't do jail. I won't get a gun.

Look...

make any call you want to, but he is dead.

So, if you make this decision,

you are just rolling the dice
with my life.

Meg, your parents know it's for 7:00?

Yeah, yeah, they're on their way.

Okay. It's-- Okay.

Abby, can you wait for dinner?

Oh, no, it's seaweed. It's not real food.

How come you let her eat
something, but not me?

She's not eating the dinner.

- It's for the guests.
- It's a technical difference.

- Abby?
- Yeah?

Can we have a quick sibling conference?

For what?

It's a surprise.

Okay.

They're very close.

- I know.
- So nice.

They really love each other.

- Uh, uh, um...
- What are you doing?

What's a sibling conference?
What's wrong with him?

Hello.

Before we continue,
I think it's important for you to remember

you've been trying to find the right way
to break up with Benjamin--

Shhh! Shush it!

Don't worry. He can't hear us.

How do you know?

Uh...

Is it a turd?

God, it does stink--

Is he-- Is he dead?

No. No, he's not dead.

Hey. Hey, Beej?

Okay, so he is dead, but I just
really don't want you to scream.

Shush!

Uh, hey, is everything okay?

Everything's good, everything's great.

- Hey!
- Hi!

Dad, could I bother you for a quick chat?

Well, yeah, sure.

Great. Be right back.

I love you.

Okay.

So, David tells me you're
going to share a d'var Torah.

- Uh-huh. Yep, it's from class.
- Oh good. Good.

Yeah, it's good.

You know, I actually,

I mostly learned about the
New Testament growing up,

so it has been really cool
reading up on the Torah.

It's like the prequel.

Well, I don't know if it's the prequel.

- It's the main one.
- Right, no yeah, I--

That's-- That's what I meant,
um... you know,

Judaism is, um...
well, it's something that

I have always wanted
to find out more about.

You know, like the culture

and the TV shows of people
just living in New York... City.

Yeah.

Look, Meg, we appreciate you
taking the classes

and clearly you're very bright and kind.

I feel like there's a "but" coming.

"And" it's... it's like I have
this houseplant

that was given to me by my mother

that she got from her mother

in Germany,
who received it from her mother,

who was given it by her mother, and so on

for a hundred generations.

That's a long time.

And now it feels like...

like I'm handing this houseplant over

to someone who took
an online course in gardening.

The classes are in person.

Dad, Dad, Dad!

Dad, please stop mumbling.

He's not mumbling, he's praying.

- I don't care! Stop it!
- Will you stop yelling!

Oh, great. Let's do your thing then.

I'm gonna stop yelling if you do something

about your son murdering my boyfriend!

Can we please just, please be quiet!

You know, in Korea,
they respect their elders.

Then move to Korea!

Look, Abby, I told you
this was a harmless accident.

- Dad?
- Harmless? Harmless?!

We need to do something
before Meg's parents get here.

Oh, because what could be more
important than Meg's parents?

- Abby wants to betray us.
- Me?!

You didn't mean to do it, right?

- No, of course not.
- Stop doing that!

- What?
- Protecting him!

I did everything I could
to get you that job!

- It was an unpaid internship!
- I don't care what it was!

He was my boyfriend and now he's dead!

Weren't you gonna break up with him?

Maybe!

I'm definitely not gonna
pretend like it didn't happen!

Like, just some spoiled, manipulative--

Benjamin cheated on you!

You think I quit because of PowerPoint?

I quit because he was gallivanting around

making a cuck out of my sister
with some blonde at the--

Okay, that's enough!

Oh, my God, you knew.

And you stayed with him.

I RSVP'd to a wedding.

Abby... please.

What's Mom gonna say?

She won't mind.

- How‘s that?
- We won't tell her.

What the hell is going on?

There's nothing really to see.

Aaah!

Okay, Mom...

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Mom! It's okay!

Shh! Shh!

Oh, that poor boy!

Mom, we need to talk about this.

- Oh, my God, that poor boy.
- Let's just talk about it.

What did you do?

Do you want a Klonopin?

What happened exactly?
You did what?

No, exactly.
Now I do one prank and I'm the bad guy.

Yes! You literally just murdered someone.

I wasn't trying to murder him.

There are more efficient
ways of doing that.

- Get out of my face.
- Okay, I think we just all agree

that what Adam did was a freak accident.

And now we are all covering up a murder,
which is against the law!

Not if you do it well.

Oh, my God, you are so creepy.

Truly, I think he has to face
the consequences of his actions.

So, what, we just accept
that Adam goes to jail?

Abby wants me to get rammed in the ass!

Stop saying that. It's homophobic!

- No, it's not!
- It kinda is.

You should care for your brothers
half as much as you care

about policing our speech.

Oh, are you serious right now?

I don't know what I am.

Abby, I just want to say
I don't blame you at all for being upset.

- I mean this is horrific.
- Aw, thank you so much for understanding.

I'm really very sorry.

Okay, What he did was stupid,
but it was an accident.

His life should be ruined
because of an accident?

Mom, I could give a shit!
Now it's about being practical, okay?

We got to either come up
with a plan, or call this in

because then we're all screwed.

Okay, then let's come with a plan.

- Fine!
- Okay, the plan...

I don't have a plan, but I do know

that we're all gonna figure this out
because everyone here is family.

Is he dead?

My daughter!

- Uh...
- Meg!

- Hey, hey!
- Meg!

Meg, I just,
I need you to trust us!

Just give us two
minutes to explain. Please.

He's my boyfriend,
and if there's any chance he'd be okay,

I promise you, we would have
already called an ambulance by now.

Just don't do anything sudden.

It was a freak accident
and now Adam is implicated.

- Don't tell her that!
- Well, it's true.

Don't do anything sudden, please.

We just need one minute to explain.

Aw, shit!

- Aw, shit, shit, shit!
- Say something!

Meg!

I love you, and this is your choice.

- How could you!?
- What!?

Meg, please don't call the police.

I'm calling my parents...

to cancel.

Oh, thank God.

Hello, this is John.

Shit. He's not answering,

but we texted earlier and they said
that they were running late.

Right. So we should just assume
that they're coming any minute now.

- Oh, yeah.
- Can we think of an idea,

just anything,
anything that could possibly save Adam?

- Thanks, Mom.
- Okay, so,

if they find Benjamin's body here,

that's an obvious connection to Adam.

You need to move
Benjamin to his apartment, right?

You know, give him one of
those New York deaths.

Okay.

What is that?

You know, somebody dies
in their apartment,

and then they just lay there
for a couple of days

until somebody else smells the body,

and then they call
the landlord and they find him.

Uhh!

So, we just drive Benjamin
to his apartment and leave him there?

Yeah! That's the plan.

Can you go downstairs
and change out of your murder pants?

- Well, what car do you plan on using?
- Benjamin's.

It's all the way in Brooklyn!

You drove here?

How is this worse than murder?

- Oh...
- Mom, lock it up.

If we're gonna do something,
we need to do it immediately.

- Where are his keys?
- I'll get them.

- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.

No, not okay.

We cannot move Benjamin to his car.

What? Why not?

Curry.

- Hey Jordan!
- Oh, shi-- bruh!

- Sorry.
- Yo, are you good?

You're looking kind of bad right now.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Could you maybe um, do me a fav--
a little-- it's just a little favor?

- Yeah?
- It's kind of a huge one.

Okay...

Could you maybe just delete

all the lobby footage for the
rest of the night?

- Delete the footage?
- Uh-huh.

Aw shit, what's going on?

What's going...

Nothing.

Obviously it's not nothing,
you're asking me to delete the foot--

It's just something that
I really can't get into right now,

so it's really hard to explain.

- Come on, you could tell me.
- I really can't.

Yes, you can. Look at you, man.

- Obviously, you need my help.
- No, believe me...

please.

This is something that you
can't help with.

Okay, Jordan, this is um...

This is as bad as it gets.

- Is Richie okay?
- Oh, yeah, he's fine.

Oh, my God. Look, bro, I don't
know what this is,

but I know you need my help.

I mean, you're basically asking me to...

Don't you think it's suspicious
if Friday's footage just disappeared?

You should ask me to
delete the whole drive.

- Is that possible?
- Yes.

David, you guys, the Gelfands,
you're family, bro.

Richie talks to me about real shit.

Richie talks to me about Jewish shit, bro.

- You know I been here 15 years.
- Mm-hmm.

And there's only one apartment
I rock with...

10B.

You'll do it? You'll delete the footage?

Absolutely.

- Jordan, thank you so much.
- No, no problem, bruh.

- Thank you.
- All right, now,

let me upstairs to help you fix this.

Don't look at me like that,
brother. We're family, right?

Can't be nothing I haven't seen before.

Jordan--

And now that I'm involved
in whatever this is,

I got to make sure you don't mess it up.

They're not picking up.

Hello, this is John.

I should go down and wait for them, right?

What's popping, 10B?

Jordan, you're here.
Why are you here?

He's gonna help us.

That's right. I'm gonna help you guys.

- David?
- Jordan, I think we should go.

Uh, no, we're not going anywhere.

We're not going anywhere.

What are you doing here?

Adam, hi.
Skipping leg day, I see.

Meg... how's it going so far?

- Could be better.
- All right.

- I'm gonna get you out of this.
- He's gonna get us out.

You know Pulp Fiction,
the guy with the suit?

The guy with the suit--
Sam Jackson.

- The White one.
- John Travolta?

- Nope, the one with the mustache.
- Mario.

The Wolf.

Bingo. The Wolf.

I'm your wolf, baby.

We are so fucked.

Now... show me what's up.

What could be the big deal?

All right. Why is he on his back?

You gotta roll him on his side, bruh.

You gotta roll him on his side.

He's toast.

Uh-huh. Big time.

Why didn't anyone say he's dead?

Well, Jordan...

I implied.

How, David? Hmm? How?

When you said you needed help--

I was very stern with how
I said that we needed help.

I'm a freaking doorman.

Help to me? Changing a light bulb.

Finding Richard's Orthotics upstairs.

I don't do dead body, David.

Oh, God, I just, I--

I thought, you know,
you were so insistent--

- Nu-uh-hh.
- You just--

Never imply dead.

Never imply dead.

You say dead. You don't imply it. Okay?

- Yeah.
- Now I'm dead. Dead to rights.

Fingerprints everywhere, David.

I, uh...

I touched his neck, didn't I?

- You touched him all over.
- Shit!

Jordan, I'm so sorry.

You should go back downstairs.
We won't involve you.

You better believe I'm involved.

We're across the Red Sea,
and there's no turning back now, Ellen.

I have a soluti-- oh, Jordan!

Ha-ha! Richard, what's happening?

What it do?

Oh, you know,
I'm trying to be like you, pimp.

Oh, say less!

Salute!

Yeah, but things are bad.

Hey, don't worry about it, my guy.

- I'm gonna take care of this.
- No, no, that's not necessary.

I know exactly what to do.

O.F.N.R.

Is that like a medical term?

- No.
- It's his stupid book.

O-, we observe that there is a body.

F, we feel panic and tension.

Richard! Enough!

Okay, hold on now.

Let him finish. Richie, go ahead.

Thank you, Jordan.

R, I request...

Look, the Talmud has these laws.

Talmud's always got something to say.

So, it's forbidden to carry
a dead body on Shabbos.

But the Talmud also says

that it's okay to carry an infant
or a loaf of bread.

So, if we put a loaf of bread
on the body, then it's okay,

because the body works like a platter.

- Platter?
- Doesn't that make sense?

- Thank you, Richard.
- You're welcome.

At this point, 911 isn't an option.

Certainly not.
We've already crossed the sea.

- Exactly.
- So does anyone have any bread?

No one's getting any bread, Dad!

What, you got an infant?

Okay, hold on. No one's
getting bread or an infant.

- People, can we...
- Shit.

Someone needs to go downstairs
before my parents get here.

Hold on one minute, can we make a plan?

Oh, we already have one of those. Yeah.

We're gonna take his body,
we're gonna put it in his car.

We're gonna take him back to his apartment

and we're just going to leave it--

- we're gonna leave him there.
- A New York death.

Yeah, that's plan "A,"
but we need to get "B" and "C" working.

I think we should focus on "A."

No, no, no, no.
We only have time for one plan.

Okay, I'll think as we go, all right?

But I need you all to follow
my lead, no hesitation.

Are we on the same page?
1, 2, 3, all eyes on me.

- Uh-huh.
- Ellen, do you have any rugs?

Uh... Abby's getting the comforter.

- Comforter's great!
- I'll go get it.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Guys, huddle up,

let me quarterback this.
Richard, you are entirely too close.

No I'm fucking. You know I love my guy.

Anyway, watch this. All right,
when they come back,

we're gonna wrap the body
in the comforter. Then...

the luggage cart won't work, obviously,
because you can see right through it.

So, I'll have to go next door
and get the garbage cart.

- Then, David--
- Yeah?

you and me are gonna put the body in
and bring it to his car,

After that,

I can't leave the building,
so it's gonna have to be Meg--

- Me.
- and David who drive him back

and carry him into his apartment.

Touchdown.

Okay.
- Yeah?

What am I supposed to do?

Close the curtains
and scrub the bathroom with Lysol.

- Why the curtains?
- Richard, explain, please.

I'm not sure.

So people can't see in the windows.

Exactly.

And we got to hurry,
my shift's up at 8:00.

After that, we got to deal with Cano,
and we don't want to deal with Cano.

You're pretty good at this.

Just wrap it, like an egg roll.

An egg roll? I hate egg rolls.

Jordan, I really think that
someone needs to

go downstairs and look for my parents.

That's a good call. Meg, that's on you.

When you smoke blunts
you gotta roll 'em tight.

- I'm gonna get his legs.
- Okay.

Don't ask.

Hi! Mom! Dad!

- Hi, sweetie!
- Hey, guys!

Oh, my God!

- Richard!
- Dad! Dad!

- Richard, don't you dare!
- Dad!

Yeah, he's not coming back.

- Dad!
- Hi, how are you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, whoa!

Now, that's crazy, huh?

They're here, right?
I mean, this is happening.

This is definitely happening. Yep.

Okay, Okay! So we're gonna go out there,
we're gonna be nice

and we're gonna be cordial,
and then we're gonna have

a nice, pleasant dinner, and then
we'll send them on their way!

Okay?
- Okay.

Where is everyone? Hello!

They'll be here in-- in a second.

- Are they not home?
- Yes, they're in the kitchen.

How did you guys get up here?

Well, there was no doorman,
so we just headed on up.

- Great.
- Who do I give the wine to?

- Um...
- I'll take that.

Hi! I'm Beth!

I don't know who I am anymore.

Mom, eyes! We got this!

Yeah.

Now go out there and say hi.

You go. They're your in-laws!

This is a great start.

Okay.

Hi!

- All the way from Milwaukee!
- Hey!

- Hiya!
- Hey.

Good to see ya.

Actually, we drove in from Connecticut.

Oh!

Yeah, we were visiting
friends in Connecticut.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How are the Packers?

Don't remind him.
He's missing the game on Sunday.

- The things we do for family.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Welcome!

- Abby?
- Yes!

- John.
- Hi.

He likes to learn everyone's
name in advance, Abby.

Well, I don't memorize them,
but I like to remember what I'm told.

Wow. That's right.

Oh, I'm David's sister
and soon to be Meg's sister.

Aww...

Cantaloupe.

Family loves cantaloupe.

- Let's go this way.
- Can I help?

No, no, no, no. We should go this way.

- Can you help me in the--
- We're gonna show you--

- Mom, let's go.
- house stuff.

Richard. Get. Up!

- No.
- Up!

No, I can't, and I won't!

I swear to God, I'll drop this.

No, you wouldn't!

Richard.

Your children need you.

David needs you to make a good impression

and then kick them out in 18 minutes.

Look, I'm still trying
to figure things out here.

Use your breathing technique.

Which one?

The Alexander Technique.

That's for posture.

You'll breathe on the way up.

In... Out... In...

Oh! We were caught in
traffic for like--

Hello, hello!

You must be John and Beth.

Now, which one is which?

Richard.

No, you must be Beth. Hi. I'm Richard.

And I guess that means you're John?

- That's right.
- Nice to meet you.

We apologize for being so late.
I couldn't believe the traffic.

You're not late.
You're our guests of honor.

Dinner starts when you arrive.

- Mmm...
- Mm-hmm.

David was telling us that
you've been married for 37 years.

On our way to 40.

Yeah, but it feels like
4 minutes... underwater.

Oh...

Richard.

Oh, John, would you like a
yarmulke to wear for dinner?

- Is it, uh, mandatory?
- No, no, of course not.

I mean, some men like
the tradition, but it's--

Oh, that's all right, thank you.

Oh, sure, no problem.

I'm just not much of a hat guy.

Yeah, me neither.

Mine's always like, sliding
off my head, you know?

Kind of strange...

So...

who wants to eat?

Now we begin by singing a Hebrew song
to welcome Shabbat,

and then say a blessing before the meal.

Well, thank you. We're very curious.

Oh, okay, you had some.
Did you like it?

It has an "OU" on it
so, you know, it's Kosher.

Fantastic. Thank you.

Okay, that's the end of the song.

- Yes, that is it.
- Good song, huh?

So, now it's customary

that we all stand
before we start the meal.

It's called Kiddush.

Oh, the Kiddush.

Oh, that's an interesting word.

The wine-- oh.

It's traditional to make the wine overflow

to symbolize a good week
overflowing with happiness.

- Yeah.
- Isn't that right?

Right, yes, beautiful.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Amen. I know that one.

Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Okay, there you go.
- Thanks, Dad.

Ooh, there you go! Mom?

Oh.
- Sorry.

Adam!

This is how we do it here. And you?

And here you go, John.
I'll just hand it to you.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Time for soup.

Oh!

- No, please.
- I insist.

No, no, it's fine.

Mom it's fine. It's fine.

I don't allow guests to help.
It's a tradition.

- Oh.
- Abby?

Oh, okay, please, I--

- No.
- It's tradition. Just...

Okay.

You know, I have a special history
with this city.

When I was 8 years old,

my uncle brought me here for Christmas.

That's such a beautiful time of the year.

It was quite magical.
Just walking down Fifth Avenue,

seeing all the Christmas lights
and the Christmas displays--

- The men!
- What?

The man's chant!
It's a tradition. We forgot--

It's a tradition. All the men
must close their eyes and chant.

Um, what do I do?

And you can do it too, Beth.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, but don't chant.

- No, of course not.
- Okay.

Okay. So...
- Dad.

- What? We cover our eyes,
- Okay.

and we chant.

Okay, just cover your eyes, everyone.

Okay, now keep them covered all the way.

Please don't touch me.

Just cover-- it's part of the tradition.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, here we go.

♪ Ay, yuy, yuy, yuy! ♪

That's it.

- Good man chant.
- Yeah.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Amen.
- To what?

To the-- to the-- to the blessing.

That was the blessing!
I feel like I was at the Wailing Wall!

Yeah, no, it's a beautiful blessing.
We do it every week.

- Yeah.
- Interesting,

but why don't the women participate?

It's a great question, John.

It's because Eve ate the apple,
so you can't chant.

Eve was a fool. I'd never eat the apple.

- But you still can't chant.
- You still can't chant.

What are your other kids doing?

Meghan's siblings all live overseas.

For quite some time now.

And so what did you do to
make them all want to leave?

- Oh, you're very funny!
- Aww.

Actually, Meghan's sister, Beatrice,
she lives in Milan,

working as a fashion consultant.

Mmm, mmm.

That's a lovely camisole
you have on there.

Thank you.

- It's not a camisole.
- But it is lovely.

I have some talent,

not much, but, but Beatrice
did get me 40% off.

It's a pretty good discount, huh? Hmm?

You know, when David asked us
for permission to marry Meghan,

- of course we said yes.
- We love David.

But what really moved me was...
I asked David

and he said he would be
willing to move anywhere

that Meghan wanted,
even back to Wisconsin.

Well, I don't know Mom.
I really like New York.

Well, I did, too, in my twenties,
but people move on.

Not always.

John! You know,
my dad here is a big Cheesehead.

No, is that right?
I thought you'd be rooting for the Giants.

- Excuse me?
- The football team, Dad.

- You done?
- It's full.

Don't want to fill up on soup.

- Richard only likes baseball.
- Yankees or Mets?

You know what,
I actually like both.

You look done.

I guess.

You know, Meg knows more
about Judaism than most of my friends.

Yeah, she's doing wonderfully in class.

I don't know how much credit
I actually deserve.

Rabbi Morgenstern is really, really great.

Yeah, and he rarely does conversions.

Well, we've heard all about the Rabbi.

Does anyone want some of this wine?

It's got the wax seal on it,
so it's... it's fancy.

- I'll take some.
- Me too.

You know, Adam,

the funny thing is Meghan
was never really very religious.

Yeah but I always liked the stories,
the Bible stories.

Right, yes, it's all fairly similar.

It's just not as draconian.

Draconian?

Well, not the rules,
but I mean, just, you know, we--

we both have family time together,

Jews, Friday dinner and us Sunday brunch.

We just don't want our kids
to feel pressured about showing up.

No, of course, pressure is no good.

You know the Rabbi, he said that, well,
we've been talking about the Talmud,

and how it's essentially
just a book of arguing.

Meghan was in debate club.

- Mm-hmm.
- She was captain.

She always had a real...
what is the word you use?

Ootz-bah.

- Chutzpah.
- Chutzpah.

How do you say it?

- Chutzpah.
- Chutzpah.

- No, Chutzpah.
- Hootzbah?

- No.
- You're a natural.

Isn't that derogatory?

Mom! No, no, no. It's more like...

- A certain boldness.
- Gumption.

- It's more audacity.
- Well, I wouldn't call her audacious.

- Oh, no.
- But it's a good audacious.

- Is there such thing?
- Well, that depends on who you ask.

Why are you looking at me?

Well, you're sitting across from me.

Where else am I supposed to look?

Well, that's not the way
I meant it.

I meant to say that
she always had a real poise.

Yes, the rest of our children
are never really into

debate or argument,

but Meghan always had a penchant for that.

Well, makes me feel a lot better
about losing every argument.

Well, it's fine.
I'll find a class for you.

Aww...

Abby, um... don't you have a boyfriend?

What's his name?

No, I...

Uh, Benjamin?

- Yes, where's Benjamin?
- Is he still joining us?

- What?
- Benjamin, your boyfriend.

Meghan said he was gonna be joining us.

Oh, my boyfriend. Oh...

He... he tri-- you know, he
wanted-- he wanted to be here.

- But there was...
- He was going to, but he--

I think it was, there
was some sort of traffic.

Right? And I was gonna
say he couldn't make it.

- There was something--
- What happened?

You know, it's one
of those things.

The transportation, you know...

It was the traffic...

Good Shabbos, everyone.

Sorry I'm late.
Prayer ran long, real long.

That was one slow-ass Rabbi.

And look at you two, you gorgeous people

must be Meg's parents.

Benjamin.

- Uh, John.
- Pleasure.

- Beth!
- Beth!

All right, Benjamin, Beth.
Got a little B&B going there, huh?

- Yeah!
- Ellen.

Richie!

Shabbat, Shalom.

Hey, buddy, what's happening?

Darling.

Mmm!

Well, you all look surprised.

- We don't.
- We're not.

I'm just playing. Look, I get it, okay?

People hear "Benjamin the Jew,"

and it's not what they think of, right?

I mean, not what they picture. Ha, ha, ha!

Honestly, no.

I got two words for you, Big John:

Ethiopian. Jews.

From Ethiopia?

Yeah, the lost tribe, baby.

Lost for thousands of years,
but... we're back.

- That's true.
- I-- I see.

Benjamin, don't you have that thing?

No, I'm good to chill.

Benjamin, I'd love to know--

You have questions, my love,
I have answers.

Well, I haven't, you know,
read about this, but are there

many in your community?

Well, yeah, I mean, we're
just not as well-known,

I mean, but there's a lot of
us about, what, 200 thou,

give or take a thou.

I'm so glad you're found.

You know, many scholars
believe that they descended

from King Solomon
and Queen Sheba and others.

Yes. From Don, the Lost Tribe.

That's right. That's right.

So, why don't we all know about this?

You want to know why you don't know?

Because we control the media.

You know what we want you to know.

Now, hold on there.

And the banks.

- Uh...
- Yeah.

And Adam operates the space lasers
that control the weather.

Yeah, I do that.

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Pew! Pew!

Oh, very funny, Benjamin.

He does this routine.

Yeah, it goes on a long time.

"We control the media.
We control the banks."

"We're in charge of everything."

Of course, I'm just playing.

Well, you can say it, but I can't.

And you shouldn't.

I mean, honestly, do you really think
Richie here runs a bank?

He doesn't even run his own house.

That's funny.

- I'm gonna get the mains.
- Let me help.

No, no, no, no, no. Tradition.

Really? Your own special place.

- And where is that?
- No, no, no.

I don't think Benjamin
means it in a literal sense.

- Yes, I do.
- No, he doesn't.

Yes, I do! Would you like to know where?

Nobody keeps their foreskin!

Yes, we do. Tell them where it is.

- Please don't.
- You're gonna like this.

Mine's is in a snow globe.

- Meg!
- Yeah?

Why don't you do your d'var Torah?

Oh, I don't, um--

- Please share.
- Yeah, please, d'var Torah.

I don't think that's actually the best--

- No, I think you should.
- Yeah, Bible story.

You have a Bible story, darling?

- It's the best Bible story.
- Oh, I got some stories.

- You've told your stories.
- But they were good stories.

All right, Meg, let's hear it.

Um, okay.

Yes, um, hello.

So, this week's Torah portion

is the story of Joseph
and his brothers, how Joseph's

brothers dipped his multicolored coat

in blood to pretend that he died.

- Good subject.
- Thank you.

I thought so too, yesterday.

Um...

So, um, in the Torah, Mom, Dad,

every detail is there for a reason.

However, in this story, there
is one moment in particular

that at first glance appears meaningless.

When Joseph was wandering
around looking for his brothers,

he asked a stranger, can you
tell me where my brothers are?

And the stranger replied,
"They went to Dothan."

So, why would the Torah
include such a trivial passage?

Just a stranger giving directions.

The sages say it's because
this stranger wasn't just a normal person.

He was actually an angel
who didn't know he was an angel.

He had a vital role in this story,
but he had no way of knowing at the time

the significance
of this small interaction.

And like this stranger, we all have
the ability to change the course

of someone else's life
with a small moment or kindness.

We, too, can all be angels

who didn't know that they were angels.

Rabbi Meg.

A lovely story.

- That was great sweetie.
- Wonderful.

- Beautiful.
- Thank you.

Oh, well, it's time for dessert.

We have 7-layer cake,

and my father and Richard's favorites,

Linzer tarts.

Mmm.

Dessert?

Yes, I'm so sorry. This is
very embarrassing for me,

but as I was walking out of the bathroom

by the kitchen,
I saw that the cat had knocked

everything on the floor.

- Oh, not the cat!
- Ruined the entire meal.

Plop!
- He's done this before.

This has happened before.

- He's a terrible cat.
- Garfield on cocaine.

The cat knocked over the dinner.

That sounds like what
happened. I believe so.

- Should we order food?
- Yes.

- No.
- No!

- No.
- We can't use phones on Shabbos.

But we can. Just tell us the place.

No, that's cheating. Can't.

You know what, I think things
are just not working out here tonight.

I think we should all get together
tomorrow and have a great brunch.

- Yes! Brunch!
- Yes! Brunch!

- I love brunch!
- We love brunch.

- You love brunch.
- Yeah.

We came all the way from
Wisconsin to be here.

And we appreciate you coming very much.

There's just no predicting
that things like this could happen.

But never did I think that we
would be rushed out of your home.

No, no, Dad, I promise
it's this cat. It's--

- He's aggressive and--
- Aggressive how?

You know, it's my cat.

And I have burdened my sweet
parents with it for too long.

He knocked everything on the
floor, and when I say ev--

Do you expect us to believe

that the entire meal
just suddenly disappeared?!

Hmm!

- Yeah...
- Yeah...

Let me help you clean up.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, please.

- You're our guests.
- Our guests of honor.

No, I insist.

- No, no, no, it's fine.
- It's just simple manners.

I promise.

- Let me help!
- You're free to leave.

- Fine!
- Not until it's clean!

- It's totally unnecessary!
- Let me help you, please!

- Just--
- Oh!

What was that?

Did you just intentionally
spill wine all over me?

- It was an accident.
- An accident?

John, John, he didn't mean it.

Well, he swiped his
arm right across the table!

No, I was reaching for the salt,

the salt over there.

Let's go.

That's all right, it's all right.

Let me just clean up
and have some dessert.

Where's your bathroom?

Wait a minute, you're staying?

Are you sure you want to stay?

I mean, don't you want
to go home and change?

I mean I think you're just a real mess.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Ohh...

Ohh...

So, you're not gonna
believe this, but, um,

- there's this tradition.
- Ugh!

Enough with the traditions, okay?

You should be ashamed.

You should all be ashamed.

Is this because
I wouldn't wear that little hat?

What?

That thing on your head.

- What, the yarmulke?
- Yes.

Would you have shown me respect
if I had worn it?

Respect? No, you have my respect.

- You've always had my respect.
- Oh, yes, of course we respect you.

And we're very happy that you came.

- Yeah.
- Sure you are.

Well, let's go, honey.

- No, John.
- Dad, come on.

- Beth!
- Stop.

Dad! Mom!

Dad!

This is what you want?

Mom.

Bye, Meg.

Beth...

I love you both.

See ya at the wedding!

Okay, 4 minutes until
Cano's shift. Let's move.

Hey, Wolf! What the hell was that?

I was playing a part.

"See you at the wedding?"

No, you won't. You'll be dead!

- He was just being polite.
- Polite?

- I thought it was smart.
- What do you--

Hey, Soup Boy, don't talk to me right now,

Okay? I can't even look at you.

How am I supposed to have
a relationship with them now?

Well, we'll worry about that later.

- Oh, you must be so happy.
- Happy?

This must be such a wonderful
silver lining for you.

David, just stop, stop.

Meg, I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine.
Let's just keep it moving.

All right, everyone, listen up.

Oh, we're still listening to this guy?

Yes, we are.
Let's get you two out on the porch,

make sure your parents left, and David,
help me with the body.

- Fine.
- Okay. I'll make snacks.

Everyone looks the same from up here.

Just look for two people
with a big height difference.

- You okay?
- No, I'm not, I...

I have had to do so much
to be a part of your family,

and he just gets to waltz into mine.

- It is--
- Not fair.

Yeah, I mean, he's
literally had to do nothing.

Yeah, David is a...

The thing about David is

he hasn't had to do nearly
as much as he's had to do,

but when he cares about somebody
and I've seen how much he cares about you,

he would do literally anything.

I mean, look at tonight.

He's basically conspiring murder for Adam.

He likes you way more than he likes Adam.

- Well--
- We all do.

Oh, oh! That's them!
They're leaving!

They're leaving!

- That's our cue.
- Hmm?

- That's our cue!
- Okay.

- Hey, dumb ass.
- Huh?

- 78th Street.
- 78th Street.

Hey, dumbass, come on.
Get some-- Ready?

1...2...

Bruh, hit the button.

- Could you--
- You're right there.

I know, I know,
it's just, in my head

I made this promise with God
that if he helped us get through

the night, I'd keep shops
for the rest of my life,

and that means no electricity.

- Man, for real?
- Yeah.

- Push the fucking button.
- Okay.

I'm not lifting with my back at all!

Mrs. Grundwerg.

Do I have any mail?

Um, already dropped it off. Here you go.

Good evening.

You wait here. I'm going to get the cart.

Try not to look so suspicious. Jesus!

- Jordan!
- Aah!

Garbage day is not until Sunday.

It's not Sunday?

- No, it is not Sunday.
- Oh.

- Why are you here so early?
- Going to eat in the lobby.

You don't want to chill in the park?

- No.
- Right, okay.

Let me get that for you.

Uh, Cano, do you think you can, uh,

watch the front door while you eat?

9A called about their-- their...

- Yes, sure.
- Oh, thank--

Jordan?

Yeah?

What is that thing on your head?

It's Shabbos, baby.

- Why are you back?
- They're back?

Uh... Cano was early.

Shit.

So that's it. We're screwed, right?

David, what-- What do you think?

- Jordan? I'm sorry.
- All good, all good.

Why are you telling
Jordan you're sorry? He's fine.

Adam's the one who's gonna be in trouble.

- That's it, prison.
- I mean...

I'm gonna go to prison.

I don't think you're gonna
be the only one.

Hey, what are you doing?

- I'm calling the police.
- No, no, no.

- No, you're not--
- Stop! Stop.

I should call the cops, turn myself in,

at least have a little bit of dignity.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Adam!
- What!

I'm the black sheep of the family.

Everyone knows I don't have
much of a future anyway.

- Stop it. That's not true.
- That is nonsense!

Yeah, there's lots of
things that you can--

I was rejected from the IDF!

I just needed something to talk about
at the table every week,

so I didn't feel like a complete loser.

But there's lots of things you can do.

You can sing the aleph bet.

You work out with those
calisthenics in your room.

- Yes, yes!
- Mom? Dad?

- It's true.
- Dad!

What? What?

If I can't defend Israel...

then at least I can take the fall for us.

Stop it. This is my fault.

I should have broken up
with him forever ago.

I just--

didn't want to hear everyone
tell me how wrong I was.

It should be me.

I should never have
let things go this far.

You know, I have my readings
and my conflict resolution seminars,

but when the time came to act,

I couldn't find the words that
you kids needed.

- No!
- I just--

I'll tell the police I did it.
I put in the laxatives.

I was mad at that boy
for being mean to my son,

so I poisoned him,
and I should pay the price.

- No. But Mom--
- Mom.

No, I deserve it anyway.

Meg...

the way I've treated you,

and then seeing you tonight,

and the way that you've helped.

I just want you to know
that no amount of conversion

will change the fact that you're already
a part of this family.

Jordan?

- Plan B!
- What!

- No, no, no, no!
- Jordan! Jordan!

Jordan, don't!

No, it's okay. I'm gonna
get him in the garbage cart.

What?! Jordan! No, no, no, no, no, no!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Steph Curry!

Ooh...

Um...

I think it's time to call an ambulance.

What the hell is that?

We just got here.

We're all horrible.

Maybe we should all go to prison together.

We should probably start
getting our story straight.

I don't really care.

I'll get it.

Mr. Gelfand?

Ah, yes. Good to see you, officers.

Um, is there a place we can talk?

Yeah, sure. Right-- right this way.

As head of the household,
officer, I should say that--

No, hold on. I understand
this must be traumatic for all of you,

but it's protocol that
we pull you each aside for questioning.

But before that happens...

we found this in the victim's pocket.

We have to keep this for evidence,

but I think it's only right
that you get to hear it firsthand

and not from some reporter.

That would be good.

"Every weekend for the past year,

I've witnessed something beautiful...

5 family members who barely get along.

But no matter how much they're fighting,

they still come together
every Friday night.

We stick together, whether
we're in New York or Ethiopia.

I'm sorry to do this
on this special night,

but all the stress finally got to me.

You know what they say.
Running the bank is hard work.

Sincerely, Benjamin."

Plan "C."

There he goes.

I'm so sorry.

I worked with Benji, and he was
so funny and such a good guy.

Hmm.

He was so sweet and always
made me feel so comfortable in the office.

And he was really so funny
and really just-- oh, God,

I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Hi, Adam.

- She was the one who slept with--
- I know.

You know why it's called a Shiva?

Because it's a Shiva?

No, it's because Shiva
means 7 in Hebrew,

and it's supposed to last for 7 days.

You know, um, if you don't
want to take the classes,

you really don't have to.

When do I get one of those?

I don't think you can.

I'm gonna keep going till I get one.

Hello there.

- Mom, Dad, hi!
- Hi, honey.

John, Beth, what are you...

We just wanted to come by
and offer our condolences.

Oh, okay.

And to apologize for
leaving early on Friday night.

Oh, that's all right.

Look, um, we don't
remember that night too well.

- Oh, it was so hectic.
- Oh, yeah, it was.

Mm-hmm. But I definitely do not recall
meeting a Caucasian Benjamin.

I want Thanksgiving.

What?

I get Meg and David
for Thanksgiving every year.

I hear Wisconsin is beautiful in the fall.

- You're gonna love it.
- Yeah.

And Christmas and Easter.

But sometimes Christmas
and Hanukkah overlap.

Hanukkah's eight days. You'll manage.

But we'll lose some days for travel,
especially with snow that time of year.

Ellen, Ellen, Ellen... enough.

- Okay? Okay.
- Okay, okay.

Now, that's chutzpah.

Oh, yeah.

I think they'll make good in-laws.

- Mom! Dad!
- Oh!

- Can we please go?
- She's been waiting.

- She's always yelling.
- Stop.

It's just like-- Can't she just like...

♪ When there's trouble
And there's bound to be ♪

♪ Don't you worry, you can count on me ♪

♪ And when that storm
Has drifted out to sea... ♪

Shame about that boy.

- Oh, terrible! Terrible!
- Terrible.

Terrible thing.

Oh, boy.

♪ When that storm is rolling in
And there's nowhere to hide ♪

♪ I will be there... ♪

Oh, you-- you never finished
that joke you were telling me before.

- What joke?
- The joke about the Rabbi--

Oh, the Rabbi and the tent. Ah!

It's not such a good joke.

♪ I will be there ♪

♪ And there'll be nights
When you're fighting for your rights ♪

♪ And all your friends will walk away ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ And you'll be strong
As you had to be for so, so long ♪

♪ But I'll be there anyway ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're standing
On crumbling ground ♪

♪ And the sky starts tumbling down ♪

♪ Well, I will always be around ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ You count on me ♪

♪ When you got to be discreet
On your way through town ♪

♪ I will be there ♪

♪ And when they stop you
On the street ♪

♪ Trying to break you down ♪

♪ I will be there ♪

♪ Now, ladies
They'll attack you till you fall ♪

♪ Till you come undone ♪

♪ I will be there ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Then when your back's against the wall ♪

♪ And there's nowhere
And there's nowhere ♪

-♪ Nowhere to run ♪
- ♪ I will be there ♪

♪ Cause when you're standing
On crumbling ground ♪

♪ Yeah, and the sky starts tumbling down ♪

♪ Well, I will always be around ♪

♪ You can count on me, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You can count on me, yeah ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Count on me... ♪