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[theme music]
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00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:10,440
- ♪ I'm goin' down
to South Park ♪
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00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:12,400
♪ Gonna have myself a time
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00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:13,880
- ♪ Friendly faces
everywhere ♪
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00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,750
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:16,970
- ♪ I'm goin' down
to South Park ♪
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00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,880
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
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00:00:18,930 --> 00:00:20,670
- ♪ Ample parking day
or night ♪
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00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:22,450
♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor" ♪
10
00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:23,670
- ♪ I'm headin' on down
to South Park ♪
11
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,800
♪ Gonna see
if I can't unwind ♪
12
00:00:25,890 --> 00:00:29,070
- ♪ [mumbling] ♪
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00:00:29,110 --> 00:00:30,290
- ♪ Come on down
to South Park ♪
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00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:32,110
♪ And meet some friends
of mine ♪
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00:00:34,770 --> 00:00:37,120
[festive music]
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00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:38,820
STAN: The past few months
have just been...
17
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:41,300
really awful.
18
00:00:41,430 --> 00:00:42,950
There were these ICE raids
19
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,130
and my dad's company
went out of business.
20
00:00:46,170 --> 00:00:47,870
Then we lost our house
and had to move
21
00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:51,090
into the old folks home
with my grandpa.
22
00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:52,740
It's like
everything keeps changing
23
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:55,440
and I really don't know
how to cope with it.
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00:00:57,490 --> 00:00:59,100
- Uh-huh.
25
00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:00,880
And how exactly do you feel
like shit has changed, bro?
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00:01:01,010 --> 00:01:02,620
[guitar chords]
27
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,020
- Well, Jesus,
It just seems like
28
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,720
people aren't really
as kind and giving
29
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,370
as they used to be, you know?
30
00:01:10,410 --> 00:01:12,110
Like, I just got some money
from Saudi Arabia
31
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,590
and I'm thinking of sharing it.
32
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,460
'Cause I feel like that's what
everyone needs right now.
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00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:19,900
Like, a big Christmas miracle?
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00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,380
- Sounds like some socialist
bullshit to me, bro.
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00:01:24,510 --> 00:01:25,780
[guitar chords]
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00:01:25,910 --> 00:01:27,040
- Jesus, I don't wanna live
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00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,690
in an old folks home anymore,
OK?
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00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,220
Now, I don't know what's
made you change like this,
39
00:01:30,350 --> 00:01:33,480
but we need some
God damn Christmas magic!
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00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,740
- Hey, baby, I brought us
some Pinot Grigio!
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00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:38,620
- What took you so long?
[guitar chords]
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00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,530
- Don't be mad--I was out
doing my charity work!
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00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:42,920
I'm a Christian,
44
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:44,800
so I sing to people in need!
[snorts]
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- Just shut up
and pour me that shit.
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00:01:47,410 --> 00:01:49,060
You wanna make
your life better, Stan?
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00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:50,760
Join the frickin' club!
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00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,200
This is the time of year we all
wish things were better.
49
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,720
But trust me,
nothing miraculous
50
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,640
is gonna happen to anyone.
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00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:01,640
[festive music]
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00:02:01,770 --> 00:02:04,550
♪ ♪
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00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,380
- ♪ The crib is decorated
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00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,430
♪ And the nursery's
all planned ♪
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00:02:08,470 --> 00:02:12,390
♪ I put holly on the diapers
With all the love I can ♪
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00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,350
♪ Tiny dreams in tinsel glow ♪
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♪ What's more special than ♪
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00:02:16,350 --> 00:02:20,660
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
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00:02:20,790 --> 00:02:23,360
- Only days remain
until America meets
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00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,840
President Trump's demon spawn.
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00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,270
How Satan will give birth to
the butt baby is still unclear,
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00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:32,800
but everyone knows
the crap-out is coming.
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00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,580
- ♪ Don the wipes
and mistletoe ♪
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00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:36,460
♪ There's so much to be done ♪
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00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:40,460
♪ We'll drink eggnog and cocoa
when labor has begun ♪
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00:02:40,550 --> 00:02:44,380
♪ So many reasons to be glad,
and I'll be having one ♪
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00:02:44,460 --> 00:02:48,470
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
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00:02:48,510 --> 00:02:52,250
♪ I will love the baby
and so will its dad ♪
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00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:55,820
♪ We will be so...
Wait a minute.
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00:02:55,870 --> 00:02:58,000
Where the hell is he?
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Donald?
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00:02:59,610 --> 00:03:01,610
Donald!
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00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:03,180
Where is Donald?
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00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,570
- Oh, sorry, Satan.
75
00:03:04,610 --> 00:03:05,960
The President had to fly
to Colorado
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00:03:06,010 --> 00:03:07,490
on an urgent matter.
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00:03:07,570 --> 00:03:11,060
- An urgent matter?
Are you serious right now?
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00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:13,490
I told him this was the day
79
00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:16,280
we were going to sing songs
and decorate the nursery!
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00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,450
What is he doing
that's more urgent than that?
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00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:21,070
- Sorry, it's all high-level
classified stuff.
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00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:23,020
Even we don't have clearance
to know what he's doing.
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00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:26,850
- He is such a piece a shit!
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00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:30,290
He does this to me
all the time!
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00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:34,950
I'm about to have this baby,
and he's out fucking around!
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00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,870
- Hormones, huh?
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00:03:38,950 --> 00:03:41,090
- It is strange
that the President hasn't
88
00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:43,610
even informed me
why he's going to Colorado.
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00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,570
- Well, the President said
it's top secret
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00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:47,920
and only he and
the vice president can know.
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00:03:48,050 --> 00:03:50,620
Whatever they're doing...
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00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:55,230
must be part of an extremely
covert military operation.
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00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:59,450
[bells ringing]
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00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,450
- Merry Christmas!
95
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,150
Relax, guy!
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00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,890
Hey-hey-hey!
Relax, guy!
97
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:10,900
- OK, Boss, this is the place.
98
00:04:10,940 --> 00:04:13,290
That is the police station
over there.
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00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,690
That's where they are keeping
Peter Thiel.
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00:04:15,770 --> 00:04:17,990
- All right,
we just gotta keep it quiet.
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00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,730
Nobody can know
I want to kill this baby--ope!
102
00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:23,260
Merry Christmas!
Hey-hey-hey!
103
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,650
Relax!
104
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,260
Are you sure this
Peter Thiel can do it?
105
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:30,700
- Yes, Boss.
106
00:04:30,790 --> 00:04:32,920
But we must find a way
to break him out
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00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,270
of that police-
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
108
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,270
Happy holidays!
109
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,450
Hey-hey-hey!
110
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,670
- Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have
any spare change, mkay?
111
00:04:41,710 --> 00:04:43,500
The government cut
school funding
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so I lost my job.
113
00:04:45,670 --> 00:04:47,190
Then, you know,
everything costs more
114
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:50,370
with all the tariffs,
and my health care got cut,
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00:04:50,460 --> 00:04:54,160
so I'm just struggling
like a lot of Americans are.
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00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,080
- All right,
well, Merry Christmas!
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00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,730
[bells ringing]
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00:05:01,820 --> 00:05:03,340
- We better hurry, Boss.
119
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,820
The town might be onto us,
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00:05:04,950 --> 00:05:07,000
and the crap-out could be
any minute now.
121
00:05:07,130 --> 00:05:08,780
- OK, let's synchronize
our watches.
122
00:05:08,910 --> 00:05:12,740
It's time to complete
Operation Kill My Own Baby!
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00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:19,050
- ♪ I'll be home
for Christmas ♪
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00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:25,490
♪ If only in my dreams,
my dreams, my holiday dreams ♪
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00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:28,150
Hello, seniors,
I'm Peggy Rockbottom
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00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:30,460
here to spread
a little holiday cheer.
127
00:05:30,590 --> 00:05:33,810
You know, sometimes we forget
the reason for the season.
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00:05:33,940 --> 00:05:36,070
But there's only one man
in my life,
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00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,720
and that man is Jesus Christ.
130
00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:39,330
And I wrote this song for him.
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[jaunty music]
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♪ A Christian woman knows
her place ♪
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00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,430
♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
134
00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:51,000
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
135
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,870
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
136
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,740
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
137
00:05:56,790 --> 00:06:00,570
♪ Saying merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
138
00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:03,310
Come on, seniors, sing along!
139
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,540
♪ A Christian woman knows
her place ♪
140
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,280
ALL: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
141
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:12,450
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
142
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:15,460
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
143
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:18,680
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
144
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:23,030
♪ To say merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
145
00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:36,570
- I don't know
if you can hear me,
146
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,650
but I've been kind of wishing
for a Christmas miracle.
147
00:06:42,830 --> 00:06:45,620
If miracles can
still even happen,
148
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:48,750
please, make it happen now.
149
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:06,290
ALL: Yay!
150
00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:08,640
- Look, guys, it's Stanny!
151
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,820
ALL: Stanny!
152
00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:12,300
- Oh, no!
153
00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:15,560
- Did you miss us, Stan?
- Oh, no!
154
00:07:20,130 --> 00:07:23,050
- That son of a bitch.
155
00:07:23,090 --> 00:07:27,310
I could give birth any minute.
156
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,570
"Oh, hey, Satan,
you about to go into labor?
157
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,320
"OK, how about
you go do everything,
158
00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:32,970
and I'll do nothing?"
159
00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:36,190
Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald!
Just like you always do.
160
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:41,110
Ugh.
God, he is so disgusting.
161
00:07:41,150 --> 00:07:43,550
Ugh, he's such a pig!
162
00:07:48,070 --> 00:07:50,510
A blue jock strap?
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00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:53,470
He doesn't wear
a blue jock strap.
164
00:07:53,510 --> 00:07:56,120
Who does this belong to?
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00:07:56,250 --> 00:08:00,000
TOWELIE: Vance.
166
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:04,870
It's Vance.
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00:08:04,910 --> 00:08:08,350
They're together.
168
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,220
- What are you talking about?
169
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:16,320
- They just wanna
kill the baby.
170
00:08:16,450 --> 00:08:17,750
- What?
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00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:23,630
- The President...Vance...
so much sex.
172
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,240
- I can't understand you
'cause you're covered
173
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:26,500
in dried-up milk!
174
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:29,290
- It's not milk.
175
00:08:29,370 --> 00:08:31,030
- Eww!
176
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:41,560
- Oh!
[coughing]
177
00:08:41,690 --> 00:08:44,780
Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God!
178
00:08:44,910 --> 00:08:47,430
- Tell me everything you know!
179
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:50,830
- I will, but first...
please...
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00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:55,620
I need to get...
just a little high.
181
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,190
- Go away!
182
00:09:00,270 --> 00:09:02,410
[critters clamoring]
183
00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:03,580
- What do you guys want?
184
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,580
- Well, didn't you hear, Stan?
185
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,850
Satan's gonna give birth
to the antichrist!
186
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:10,200
- Yeah,
he's gonna have a butt baby
187
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,980
and there's gonna be
a big crap-out!
188
00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:15,160
- And nobody loves a crap-out
more than us!
189
00:09:15,290 --> 00:09:17,200
[all cheering]
190
00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:18,290
- Wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait.
191
00:09:18,420 --> 00:09:19,820
This doesn't make any sense!
192
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,120
You guys are just something
that Cartman made up
193
00:09:21,210 --> 00:09:23,250
in his head!
194
00:09:23,380 --> 00:09:26,300
- Aww, are you really gonna
overanalyze a crap-out?
195
00:09:26,430 --> 00:09:28,560
- No way!
Crap-outs have no rules!
196
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,220
ALL: Yay!
197
00:09:30,260 --> 00:09:32,700
- All right, y'all,
Stan wished us here
198
00:09:32,830 --> 00:09:35,570
to help the Prince of Darkness,
so we gotta do what he says.
199
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:37,400
- I didn't wish for that!
200
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,180
I didn't know anything
about Satan having a baby
201
00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:40,750
or crap-outs.
202
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,880
- But you asked
for a Christmas miracle, Stan!
203
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,620
And this crap-out's gonna
make everything better!
204
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:48,890
- It is? Are you sure?
205
00:09:49,020 --> 00:09:51,460
- Of course!
Crap-outs are the best!
206
00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,540
- Come on!
Let's get to it!
207
00:09:53,590 --> 00:09:56,680
ALL: Yay!
208
00:09:56,810 --> 00:09:59,330
- [inhaling]
209
00:09:59,380 --> 00:10:01,600
Oh, it's been so long.
210
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,250
[exhales]
211
00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:05,430
So then Vice President Vance,
212
00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:07,080
he doesn't want you
to have the baby, right?
213
00:10:07,210 --> 00:10:09,340
'Cause he thinks
your baby is gonna hurt
214
00:10:09,470 --> 00:10:12,130
his chances
of becoming president.
215
00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:15,780
So he convinces Trump to try
to get rid of the baby himself,
216
00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:20,350
but every time he tries,
he gets blocked by the FCC.
217
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:24,100
- If he didn't want the baby,
why didn't he tell me?
218
00:10:24,140 --> 00:10:26,270
- They couldn't let anyone know
they wanted to get rid
219
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,410
of the baby because, you know,
Republicans, abortions--
220
00:10:29,490 --> 00:10:30,890
it's a bad look.
221
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:32,370
- [growls]
222
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:33,930
- So then Vance gets this guy
Peter Thiel
223
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,370
to get rid of the baby,
and Thiel's about to come do it
224
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,070
when Pam Bondi
suddenly finds out
225
00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:39,760
there's a plot
to kill the baby.
226
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:43,940
So crazy, man.
You can't write this shit.
227
00:10:44,070 --> 00:10:45,810
- What did I ever see in him?
228
00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:47,990
- So then The President,
he's pissed off at Vance.
229
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,470
He says, you've been
lying to me, but Vance says,
230
00:10:50,510 --> 00:10:51,730
I was just trying
to protect you,
231
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,300
and then they start having sex
232
00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:54,650
over and over
and over and over---
233
00:10:54,690 --> 00:10:57,560
- Enough!
234
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:01,180
The president hath deceived me.
235
00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:04,050
He hath deceived us all.
236
00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:07,180
And I shall make him pay.
237
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:12,620
- Oh, hell yeah, man.
Let's go get that motherfucker.
238
00:11:16,630 --> 00:11:17,930
- ♪ What a special time,
it's a special day ♪
239
00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:19,330
♪ It's a Woodland Critter
Christmas ♪
240
00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:20,890
- Crap-out!
241
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,770
- Hey! Merry Christmas!
242
00:11:28,810 --> 00:11:33,210
- Merry Christmas!
- Happy Holidays! Relax, guy!
243
00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:35,820
Hello, we're with
the Salvation Army!
244
00:11:35,950 --> 00:11:37,470
We brought some food
for your prisoners!
245
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:44,180
- Food for the prisoners?
- Hey, relax, guy!
246
00:11:44,310 --> 00:11:46,440
This is the time of year
to give to the needy!
247
00:11:46,570 --> 00:11:49,090
We brought 'em this cake!
- We don't need your cake!
248
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:51,880
The president's gonna come
for us, and he's gonna--oof!
249
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,580
- Well, I guess
there's no harm.
250
00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:55,140
Mitch, let 'em in.
251
00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:57,970
- Hey, thanks, buddy!
252
00:11:58,020 --> 00:11:59,710
ALL: ♪ We're headin'
for a crap-out ♪
253
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,410
♪ Crap-out, crap-out ♪
254
00:12:01,540 --> 00:12:04,760
♪ We smell a crap-out
comin' soon ♪
255
00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:07,680
♪ Don't take the hard route
- ♪ Just get to the crap-out
256
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,730
ALL: ♪ Satan's gonna crap out
his anal womb ♪
257
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:12,680
- OK, hold on a second.
258
00:12:12,810 --> 00:12:14,600
You said that Satan
was in Washington, D.C.
259
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,950
- Yeah, he was,
and now he's about to be here!
260
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,600
- But how can you know that?
261
00:12:18,690 --> 00:12:20,600
- Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny,
will you just get on board
262
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,560
with the crap-out already?
263
00:12:21,690 --> 00:12:23,220
- Don't worry, Stanny.
264
00:12:23,260 --> 00:12:25,170
Everything has been foretold
and nothing can stop
265
00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:26,650
the antichrist from coming.
266
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:27,960
- Except, of course,
for Peter Thiel!
267
00:12:28,050 --> 00:12:29,270
[critters jeering]
268
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,790
- P-P-P-Peter Thiel!
269
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,620
- Wait, you mean
the six seven guy?
270
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,920
- You know Peter Thiel?
271
00:12:35,050 --> 00:12:36,930
- Yeah, he did a big dumb
assembly at the school.
272
00:12:36,970 --> 00:12:38,490
- He's here?
273
00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:39,970
- What are you gonna do,
Stanny?
274
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,970
- Are you gonna kill him
and eat him?
275
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:43,240
- All right, look.
276
00:12:43,370 --> 00:12:44,630
If I'm gonna get
on board with something,
277
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,720
I need it make at least
a little bit of sense.
278
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,240
- Well, OK, Susan Sontag,
we'll make sure
279
00:12:49,370 --> 00:12:51,200
it all lines up perfectly
for ya.
280
00:12:51,330 --> 00:12:53,640
ALL: Yay!
281
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,990
- Peter Thiel to Red Dragon.
282
00:12:59,030 --> 00:13:00,860
Come in, Red Dragon.
283
00:13:00,990 --> 00:13:03,260
- Go ahead, guy.
This is Red Dragon.
284
00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:05,170
- I got the walkie in the cake.
285
00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:07,170
Awaiting further instructions.
286
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,480
- Excellent.
287
00:13:08,610 --> 00:13:10,310
Just stand by, and we'll
find a way to get you out
288
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:11,830
so you can kill my baby.
289
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,350
Let's synchronize our watches.
290
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,570
SATAN: Donald!
291
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,100
- Uh-oh.
292
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:21,490
- You have lied to me.
293
00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:25,190
- Satan! We were just doing
some charity work!
294
00:13:25,230 --> 00:13:27,280
- Yeah, I don't think so!
295
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:32,550
I told Satan every detail
of your expertly-crafted plot.
296
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,940
- Boss, it's your cum rag!
297
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:37,990
- I stayed with you
while you two are fucking
298
00:13:38,030 --> 00:13:39,550
behind my back?
299
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:42,600
Did Donald tell you
he has genital warts?
300
00:13:44,470 --> 00:13:47,130
- [laughs]
Hey, relax there, guy.
301
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,560
- Look, there he is!
302
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,130
- It's Satan!
303
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:53,000
ALL: Yay!
304
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,090
- Just as
the prophecy foretold!
305
00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:57,140
- Towelie? What's going on?
306
00:13:57,180 --> 00:14:01,100
- What's going on is the most
exquisitely woven tapestry
307
00:14:01,230 --> 00:14:04,490
of ideas
that you've ever seen, man.
308
00:14:04,530 --> 00:14:09,280
- Your deception is over,
Donald, and so are we.
309
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,020
This child will be born.
310
00:14:12,150 --> 00:14:15,110
And for once,
you are going to have to live
311
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,200
with the consequences
of your actions.
312
00:14:20,030 --> 00:14:22,860
[whooshing]
313
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,650
- Keep your hands off
my president, bro.
314
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,090
- Whoa! It's Jesus Christ!
315
00:14:41,140 --> 00:14:42,700
ALL: Aww!
316
00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,530
- This happens to be
a great man
317
00:14:44,570 --> 00:14:47,060
who's protecting our country
from fags.
318
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,100
- What the hell happened
to Jesus?
319
00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:51,150
- He's all Christian now.
320
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:55,930
- This man is a con artist,
and I will deal with him!
321
00:14:56,060 --> 00:14:59,150
- Don't think so, bro!
322
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:04,030
Yeah! America! Whoo!
[guitar chords]
323
00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:11,300
- Oh, my God, this just keeps
getting crazier.
324
00:15:11,340 --> 00:15:14,470
- [groaning]
325
00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:19,220
- What's wrong, Satan?
326
00:15:19,350 --> 00:15:23,570
- It's the baby.
I think it's coming.
327
00:15:23,660 --> 00:15:26,660
- Oh, wow, y'all, it's time!
- What do we do, Stan?
328
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:27,970
- I don't know!
329
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,920
You gotta get him
to a hospital!
330
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:38,370
- Oh, boy! The big crap-out
is almost here!
331
00:15:38,450 --> 00:15:41,720
- I can hardly wait!
Can hardly wait!
332
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,240
- Look, it's the doctor!
333
00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:44,980
ALL: Yay!
334
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:46,810
- All right,
we're almost ready.
335
00:15:46,850 --> 00:15:48,380
We just wanna run
a quick ultrasound,
336
00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:50,250
and we'll get you into the OR.
337
00:15:50,290 --> 00:15:55,730
- Doctor, we must hurry.
There are evil forces at work.
338
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:02,130
[guitar chords]
339
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:05,050
- All right!
This guy's incredible!
340
00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:08,180
OK, now set Peter Thiel free!
341
00:16:08,220 --> 00:16:12,310
[guitar chords]
342
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,060
- Mr. President! What happened?
- I don't know!
343
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,410
I got another Christian dipshit
to help me get what I want!
344
00:16:17,490 --> 00:16:18,760
Let's go, Christianity!
345
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,280
- Then we can proceed.
346
00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:23,850
We have very little time
to stop
347
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:25,500
the antichrist from coming.
348
00:16:25,630 --> 00:16:27,500
- Boss, just so you know,
349
00:16:27,550 --> 00:16:30,460
I don't care if my asshole
is filled with genital warts.
350
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,990
I still love you.
351
00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:38,250
- I can't believe
he turned out to be
352
00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:40,910
this big of a piece a shit.
353
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,170
I seriously fall
for the worst guys.
354
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,740
- Now, now, Satan, you need
to save your strength!
355
00:16:47,870 --> 00:16:50,480
- I mean,
I knew he sucked, OK?
356
00:16:50,530 --> 00:16:53,400
I knew it, but I didn't think
he would go this far.
357
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,660
I am so stupid.
- No! You're not stupid!
358
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:59,880
Stanny,
tell Satan he's not stupid.
359
00:16:59,930 --> 00:17:02,970
- You're not stupid.
- No, I'm stupid!
360
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:04,980
I saw how he treated everyone,
361
00:17:05,110 --> 00:17:07,280
but I was willing to look
the other way.
362
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,460
All because I just wanted
my Christmas miracle.
363
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,510
- Your Christmas miracle?
364
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,550
- My little baby.
365
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:20,690
The only thing in my life
that could actually be good.
366
00:17:20,730 --> 00:17:23,910
But now Donald has Jesus
on his side,
367
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,480
and we'll never be free.
368
00:17:27,820 --> 00:17:29,570
- Satan's right.
369
00:17:29,610 --> 00:17:33,000
If the President has Jesus
on his side, he's unstoppable!
370
00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:34,700
- It's only a matter of time
371
00:17:34,790 --> 00:17:37,230
before they come here
and ruin everything.
372
00:17:37,270 --> 00:17:38,880
ALL: Aww!
373
00:17:39,010 --> 00:17:40,530
- Now, don't be down, y'all.
374
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:43,670
We have our own secret weapon.
- That's right!
375
00:17:43,710 --> 00:17:47,320
They might have Jesus,
but we've got Stan!
376
00:17:47,450 --> 00:17:48,930
ALL: Yay!
377
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,030
- ♪ What a special time,
it's a special day ♪
378
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,510
♪ It's a Woodland Critter
Christmas ♪
379
00:17:56,590 --> 00:17:58,940
- Crap-out! Yeah! Let's go!
380
00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:01,860
[dramatic rock music]
381
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:07,120
♪ ♪
382
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:09,170
- Let's do this!
383
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:11,390
- Oh, no, here they c-c-c-come!
384
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,830
- What are we gonna do?
385
00:18:18,350 --> 00:18:20,660
- Where is room 6-7?
386
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:23,310
Thank you!
387
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:27,670
[guitar wailing]
388
00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:29,150
[elevator dings]
389
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:32,540
[music playing faintly]
390
00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:35,410
[elevator dings]
391
00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:38,420
[music builds]
392
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:41,070
♪ ♪
393
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,120
[music stops abruptly]
394
00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:49,210
- Hey, kid! Get out of the way!
- No.
395
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:52,000
If you wanna get to Satan,
you'll have to go through us.
396
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,910
I am fully embracing
this crap-out.
397
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,830
ALL: Yay!
398
00:18:55,870 --> 00:18:59,310
- Do not listen to these foul
creatures of darkness, child!
399
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,570
- I don't know
who to listen to anymore.
400
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:03,570
All I know is,
I might as well help someone
401
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:05,100
get their Christmas miracle.
402
00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:07,880
'Cause nobody's helping me
with mine.
403
00:19:08,010 --> 00:19:10,010
At least that's what
Christmas used to mean.
404
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:11,450
Trying to make things
a little easier
405
00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:13,020
for someone else who needed it.
406
00:19:13,150 --> 00:19:14,320
I don't know what happened
407
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:16,020
to your Spirit of Christmas,
Jesus.
408
00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:19,940
Let's face it, you gave up,
and now you've hit rock bottom.
409
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:24,070
- Hey, I didn't hit her, OK?
410
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,030
I mean, all right, maybe I did!
411
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,900
But Peggy was asking' for it!
412
00:19:29,030 --> 00:19:31,820
- That's actually not at all
what I was talking about.
413
00:19:31,860 --> 00:19:34,560
- No. You're right.
414
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,430
You're right, my child.
415
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,960
I gave up and I lost faith.
416
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,570
I don't want to do this.
417
00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:43,570
- Hey!
Don't forget I can sue you!
418
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,620
- Then go ahead and sue me.
419
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:52,580
I'm not going
to be afraid anymore.
420
00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:54,010
- Excuse me, everyone.
421
00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:55,800
Sorry--sorry to interrupt,
422
00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,020
but I'm afraid we have
some really bad news.
423
00:20:00,060 --> 00:20:03,370
- What?
- What? What happened?
424
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:05,500
- We've looked
at the ultrasound, and...
425
00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:08,510
it appears that at some point
when nobody was watching,
426
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:10,860
the baby hung itself
and took its own life.
427
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:15,250
- What?
- What are you talking about?
428
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:17,470
- I'm afraid you can
see it all in the video.
429
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,690
The baby got ahold
of some bedsheets.
430
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:21,220
There's a couple minutes
missing from the ultrasound,
431
00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:23,170
but it's definitely a suicide.
432
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:24,960
- You gotta be kidding me!
433
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,830
The baby hung itself?
434
00:20:26,870 --> 00:20:30,310
- Boss! Boss! It's a miracle!
435
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,920
- But does that mean
436
00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:35,320
there's not gonna be
a crap-out?
437
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,540
ANNOUNCER: This is a Fox News
special alert.
438
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:41,320
- Fox News has just
received confirmation
439
00:20:41,410 --> 00:20:44,330
that the unborn child
of Satan and President Trump
440
00:20:44,370 --> 00:20:46,680
has decided to take
the easy way out
441
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,370
and end its own life.
442
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,550
- Definitely an unfortunate
turn of events.
443
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,070
Fox News has
analyzed the ultrasound.
444
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,120
You can see the baby probably
considering suicide right here
445
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,690
and then--
a little bit missing--
446
00:20:57,730 --> 00:20:59,120
and it killed itself.
447
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:00,990
Obvious confirmation
of suicide.
448
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:02,780
You can see
a little chair there.
449
00:21:02,910 --> 00:21:05,130
Just what babies do sometimes.
450
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:08,130
- That's right, and if you
or someone you know
451
00:21:08,220 --> 00:21:10,790
is a fetus
contemplating suicide,
452
00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:14,360
we urge you to call Fox News
as much as you possibly can.
453
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,490
- In the meantime,
all our thoughts and prayers
454
00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:18,360
are with the president tonight,
455
00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:20,750
Who will be holding a funeral
for his unborn child
456
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,800
at the White House.
457
00:21:22,930 --> 00:21:25,760
[upbeat festive music]
458
00:21:25,890 --> 00:21:32,720
♪ ♪
459
00:21:34,810 --> 00:21:36,380
- Hey, Merry Christmas!
460
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:38,730
Did you hear the news?
The baby's dead!
461
00:21:38,810 --> 00:21:41,340
- Yes, Mr. President,
we are so sorry.
462
00:21:41,470 --> 00:21:43,510
- Happy holidays!
The baby's dead!
463
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,730
- Are you OK, sir?
464
00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:50,480
- Yeah, it's really hard!
Here, have a cigar!
465
00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:52,570
Hey, Pam! Merry Christmas!
The baby's dead!
466
00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:54,960
PAM: You're so strong,
Mr. President.
467
00:21:55,050 --> 00:21:57,090
And you're taking it
really well.
468
00:21:57,140 --> 00:21:59,750
- Hey! Thanks, Pam!
469
00:22:01,490 --> 00:22:04,320
[soft piano music]
470
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:11,590
♪ ♪
471
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,800
[upbeat festive music]
472
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,360
♪
473
00:22:50,450 --> 00:22:55,110
I win! I win! I win again!
474
00:22:55,150 --> 00:23:02,110
♪
475
00:23:09,820 --> 00:23:12,690
- Christmas letters from home.
Here you go.
476
00:23:12,820 --> 00:23:14,690
Some Christmas joy
from your loved ones.
477
00:23:14,820 --> 00:23:16,560
There you go.
478
00:23:16,610 --> 00:23:18,350
Hey, there's one for you today.
479
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,400
JESUS: Dear Stan,
I'm writing this
480
00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:32,930
because I owe you an apology
481
00:23:33,060 --> 00:23:35,540
and a thank you.
482
00:23:35,670 --> 00:23:38,280
You asked
for a Christmas miracle,
483
00:23:38,410 --> 00:23:40,460
and I didn't listen.
484
00:23:40,590 --> 00:23:42,720
So now, go to this address.
485
00:23:42,850 --> 00:23:44,030
- No way.
486
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,060
Thank you.
Thank you!
487
00:24:19,190 --> 00:24:21,150
[twinkling]
488
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,980
- I'll be here, Stan,
watching over everybody.
489
00:24:25,020 --> 00:24:26,500
Be good.
490
00:24:26,550 --> 00:24:28,850
And remember,
never give up on the things
491
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:30,330
that you commit to.
492
00:24:30,460 --> 00:24:32,340
- He's so great, isn't he?
493
00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:34,600
Merry Christmas, everyone!
494
00:24:34,730 --> 00:24:37,510
Let's all have
the happiest holidays!
495
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,600
♪ A Christian Woman knows
her place ♪
496
00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:43,560
BOTH: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
497
00:24:43,610 --> 00:24:46,920
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
498
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,740
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
499
00:24:49,790 --> 00:24:52,790
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
500
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,620
♪ Saying Merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
501
00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:59,190
PEGGY: Come on, seniors,
sing along!
502
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,410
♪ A Christian woman knows
her place ♪
503
00:25:02,540 --> 00:25:05,150
ALL: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
504
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:08,630
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
505
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,370
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
506
00:25:11,420 --> 00:25:14,810
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
507
00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:18,210
♪ To say merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
508
00:25:18,340 --> 00:25:20,910
PEGGY: ♪ A Christian woman
knows her place ♪
509
00:25:20,950 --> 00:25:24,170
ALL: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
510
00:25:24,260 --> 00:25:25,950
♪ 'Cause I deserve it ♪
37294
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