All language subtitles for Schtonk [1992]_EN

This is German National Radio

And here I am.

The Fuehrer is in our midst again.

Speaking now: the Fuehrer.

He won't burn.

Reporting as ordered. He won't burn, Sir.

Who won't burn?

The Fuehrer, Mr. Obersturmbannfuehrer.

And Mrs. Fuehrer, Mrs. Braun, not either, Sir.

Pour some gas on 'em and they'll burn.

Gas? On the Fuehrer?

Mr. Obersturmbannfuehrer, Sir.

There's no more Fuehrer.

And don't call me that you ignoramus.

Yes, Mr. Obersturmbannfuehrer, Sir.

My god.

The ashes of the world's greatest
commander had barely cooled

when a large demand for memorabilia
from our 'Millennial Reich' arose.

I was 9 at the time and
had only just begun trading antiques.

But I already specialized.

The Fuehrer's personal items
achieved the highest prices.

The more personal, the better.

Preferably close to the skin.

We had lots of foreign guests at the time.

The Fuehrer was especially popular
with our American friends.

These were skeptical by nature
and only bought authentic goods.

Preferably certified.

This is my Sunday hat. Signed, A.Hitler.

I looked back at my debut product
with a certain professional pride.

I was determined not to put my rise
to an artistic all-rounder at risk.

Especially not by real work...

.. in the bourgeois sense of the word.

In the Fifties most Germans were busy
producing the 'economic miracle'.

And did not want to be reminded
of their most recent past.

Not only that Nazis couldn't be found anywhere

there never had been any. Not even sympathizers.

Business was bad.

That's why I knew right away
when I looked into Bigi's eyes

that I had found the love of my life.

I introduced myself to my future wife
as Professor Dr. Fritz Knobel.

Produced the necessary documents
and together with her left the hectic city.

Biggi opened a small cleaning business

and I fully dedicated myself
to my artistic inclinations.

[years later in Swabia]

Don't make such a fuss.
Take your clothes off.

I won't.

Biggi, dear, you've got such a great body.

Flowing hips, an elegant nuchal line,

hot breasts.

Breasts, breasts, forget it.

Just like with that French brothel picture.
And what did I look like?

Like an old, drunk whore!

So?
Here, look. No!

Sorry dear, I can't help the
way Toulouse-Lautrec painted.

I can't change his style
only so that you look better!

It's different with Hitler,
he was a much worse painter.

What?

I mean better, much better!

He made people look better than in reality,

healthy, natural, beautiful.
Especially the women.

Please, darling, undress and I'll paint you
as Eva Braun. More beautiful than ever.

I won't pose nude for
somebody who fucked Hitler.

He didn't. He couldn't!

It's a historic fact that sexually he
wasn't really... Darling!

Darling, don't make such a fuss.

Find someone else.

But who? Biggi. Darling.

Only once. The deadline's tomorrow.

It's a fixed job. Thousands of Deutschmarks.

My marriage had been in crisis for a while.

My business failures where mostly to blame.

Predominantly in the area of French
impressionism, surrealism, and dadaism.

But this time I had a legitimate assignment.

My customer was a passionate collector
of .. ehm .. nazi realism.

I was ordered to get him an authentic
nude of Eva Braun, painted by Hitler.

Not a problem for me.

I knew the Fuehrer's companion's face.

I only needed to find a matching body.

Knobel, Prof. Dr. Fritz Knobel.

I am the official painter of the
prime minister of Baden-Württemberg.

I've been commissioned by the
government to paint oil portraits

the most beautiful women
of our Swabian home country.

I'm not from Swabia.

I am from Bergisches Land.

You are so beautiful.
And I will depict you as silent.

I see.

Had I only left my hands off brush and woman.

I would have avoided a lot of trouble.

At the same time in Hamburg the "Carin II",

a rotten old boat was dry-docked.

An equally seedy Journalist named Hermann Willié

had just bought it under great financial strain
from Hermann Göring's estate.

Willié was a muckraker
with a phenomenal talent for marketing.

He would make my modest artistic talents
bloom in a catastrophic way.

Hermann, getting that thing out now?
That'll cost another fortune.

Wasn't it OK there in the water?

No, not OK, we sunk.

Some good advice if I may:
Sell it, before you're completely ruined.

Can you spare a hundred?
I promised the guys Champagne.

Dear highly esteemed Madam, ...

..high madam... highly honored madam...

I'm at the end of my rope, financially.

No,no.

I am the proud owner of your uncle's yacht.

I am ecstatic to be meeting our honored
Marshal of the Reich's niece in person.

Sitting, uh, standing in front of her.

I am guessing you are...

...flat broke. I mean ...eh

..flat out amazed at how young and beautiful...

..how young, a highly esteemed
madam is standing in front of me.

Sorry, I am flabbergasted to be looking
into the esteemed Marshal' nieces eyes.

I am beside myself.

Von Hepp.

Willié, Hermann.

Willié with acute accent.

I took the liberty of getting these
flowers as a token of ....

I love spring flowers.

Even though I have to say ...

..for me, autumn also has its nice, warm days.

What?

You know, I am the emotional type.

I did not fail to notice that.

A very unusual move by a reporter..

especially since he's from such a ...
neodemocratic newspaper.

You have to believe me, ...

my paper's direction isn't always....

..else I wouldn't have
taken the burden of your uncle's yacht.

That's what I though. Otherwise
I would not have met with you.

I thought a man who buys and
maintains my uncle's boat

can hardly be one of them.

An when I saw the picture of
the yacht you send me...

...with you are at the helm,
all strong and naked ...

Well, I wasn't all naked.
I was wearing pants.

Shorts! And I thought to myself,
Freya, let's take a closer look at that one.

I would not mind at all,
quite the opposite.

How dare you!

My imagination runs wild when
I look into your eyes Mrs. Reichsmarschall.

About if we shouldn't transfer that thing
back into your lap, for example.

What thing, please?

I mean the ship. It should return
into the bosom of your family.

I'll cut you a deal. 350k in cash.

If you need a bill, you'll have to add sales tax.

It seems like you're quite the ... sleazy person.

Just a little... - Professor!

Like this?

Yes like that.

Do you want to try it on?

It's my uncle's bathrobe. The Reichsmarschall.

The Reichsmarschall. With pleasure.

Over... or under my clothes?

As you wish.

Well, in that case, I'll allow myself to ...

You look manly.
Masculine and powerful.

I love you, Freya, ... like crazy.

Big Hermann's yacht with his niece
on the Elbe river at sundown.

How fucking cool!

There is no yacht more German than
that of the Reichsmarschall.

This needs to be on the title....

Hermann, maybe you should
let the editorship know who the owner is.

Pit, what's that for?

It doesn't matter who owns it now,
it's important that it used to belong to Göring.

And the current owner will
let us take all the pictures we want.

The ship, the niece, everything for 50k.

I've brought a few samples.

Here, the Reichsmarschall's bath robe.

From the family estate.

12 silver teaspoons...

..monogrammed, from the same estate.

Swastika..

..and Hallmark.

Used very heavily by the Reichsmarschall.

We can have all of this, everything.

Everything's included in those 50 grand.

40?

Very interesting. Dead for
40 years, yet still sweaty.

Smell this, Uwe.

Say, Willié, is it possible that you
are the proud owner of Göring's yacht?

You can't call that ownership.

Technically, yes, maybe, ....

.. but actually the bank owns it.

I think that's quite the chutzpah, Mr. Willié.

So, that's what you think.

I think it's pretty amateurish of you
not to realize what a big hit this is.

.. journalistically.

As long as I am sitting here...

It's "we", Uwe.

Of course it is! As long as we are sitting here...

...we won't have a swastika on the title,
no Göring boat...

..no sweaty bathrobes, and no
teaspoons with swastikas and hallmarks.
...we won't have a swastika on the title,
no Göring boat...

..no sweaty bathrobes, and no
teaspoons with swastikas and hallmarks.

That's right, Uwe.

Then soon there won't be any readers left.

I'm sick of your Nazi shit. Nobody wants to
know. Nobody, never ever!

Eva Braun.

Naked in oil.

Created by the Fuehrer himself...

..with his own brush.

Doctor Knobel, ...I can't call you doctor anymore.

Fritz!

Oh, gee.

Let's drink to that.

To devoted comradeship.

I am Karl.

Karl, cheers!

Cheers, Fritzle!

Right this way...

What?

Ah, about those old machines.

..ah, him, I used to know him
until 1938, then we lost touch.

This is Prof. Dr. Staffek,
an expert on the Third Reich.

Delighted.

Prof. Dr. Knobel, also a known art historian.

Former president of the art academy Leipzig.

Dresden, actually!

I see, so there's two experts now.

I wasn't informed that this was
going to be a scholastic competition.

Neither was I.

But I will gladly accept any challenger.

Oh Fritzle, don't get me wrong.

But mother said...

You did too.

Yes, me, too.

We thought 10000 DM
is a lot of money for a painting.

Just show us if you
don't have anything to hide.

I've got nothing to hide.

I just want to say even experts
can be wrong sometimes.

Ah, yes, I'll leave that to you, dear fellow.

It's, it's, unbelievable....

That's Eva!

Little Eva in the field behind
the house in front of the Watzmann.

I've never said otherwise.

You can give your opinion later,
when it is your turn.

First of all I can tell you
that this is definitely an unknown piece.

I never said anything else. This
is an unknown painting by the Fuehrer...

Unknown to you maybe,
but not to me.

Not to you?

No, I was present when he painted it.

You were ... present?

Yes.

I was a summer guest at the Berghof.

It was a gorgeous summer day..

..July 7th, 1939.

In the afternoon, around 5 pm,

I was walking through the field.

Cornflowers behind the Berghof.

Suddenly he's standing there
painting her.

The way god made her, right
in front of this very mountain view.

What are you trying
to say, Professor?

Is this a Hitler or not?

Madame, one thing I can say without a doubt,
this is the most, most authentic Hitler.

My customer and I were very impressed by
the professors professional opinion.

The man obviously was an intimate expert
of neogermanic art history.

Fascinated I listened to the rest
of his statement when I got an idea.

My life's most fateful idea,

which would result in a body of
work of historic proportions.

The expert professor was not only present
when the painting was done...

.. he also knew why it had been lost for so long.

I know where this painting comes from
as I have written a famous book about it.

In "The Fuehrer and I" I exposed ...

...that in April of '45 the Fuehrer's entire
private archive was put in 10 metal boxes...

..and flown from the Reich's capital.

And this airplane, a Junkers-352,
was shot down by the enemy

in a town called Börnersdorf, close to the Czech border.

The metal boxes have been missing ever since.

10 boxes full of secret documents,
most private records,

the most secret secrets of the Fuehrer
and the person Adolf Hitler.

The Fuehrer cried
when he received this message.

Come on now.

We're no longer friends, you backstabber.

How often have you promise me that?

Give me an advance! 10k you asshole.

I'll give you nothing.

Give me 100.

Hermann, no.

Get rid of that junk and get us a big hit.

Not this crap. Then I'll
get you back into the money.

You'll do it, Hermann.

But what?

What? A big hit! You hear me?

Something with a bang
that jumps right at you.

Right at the news stand.

If you're the reader.

Bang, bang, bang!

Understand?

A big hit.

You're all wet.

It's raining, professor.

Yes, yes, but I am busy right now.

I urgently have to write something.

Writing? I didn't know you
were a writer, too, professor.

I thought you were only a painter.

That, too. I art everything, I mean
I am an artistic all-rounder.

A little multi-talented genius.

I love little geniuses.

I see.

Martha, please cover up.
I really have to work now.

Baroness Freya von Hepp.

Does she have to be there again?

You are quiet now.

Karl Lentz and wife are doing the honor of inviting

Baroness Freya von Hepp to an evening of
comradeship on the occasion of Hitler's 90th.

P.S.: on this occasion I will allow myself
to present an unknown secret document

written by the Fuehrer himself.

Unknown secret document?

written by the Fuehrer himself. Freya!

It's all nonsense. He does
that every year.

Last year it was a dirty
napkin with the Fuehrer's boogers.

This year it'll be an old note
with an inkblot, no thanks.

We're going.

No, we're not.

That's bitter orange marmalade!

I told you I do not
like orange marmalade.

You did not say that to me.

I did. I repeatedly said I did
not want orange marmalade.

Hermann, what are you doing?

Hermann?

What are you doing?

I'm getting dressed.

And the I'll leave you.

Because of the marmalade?

No, because you do not obey me.

I cannot live with a woman
who does not obey.

I won't do it.

Yes you will. Cut off 60 cm of the string
and bring it down here. Now!

A, A, where's that fucking A?

F. H.

F.H. , F.H., ... Fuehrer Hitler.

Fuck it.

Our Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler's secret diary from 1945.

The Fuehrer kept a diary?

You didn't know?

Classified. Property of the Fuehrer.

Keep shut at all times.

Open it, comrade Lentz.
I accept the responsibility.

Yes, Mr. Ober-Gruppenführer.

Open April 20th. Read.

Yes, Mr. Ober-Gruppenführer.

Here we go, April 20th, 1945.

Kotzestunk.

What?

Thank god, I finally woke up
from this horrible dream.

A true nightmare of euca...
apocalyptic dimensions.

Dreamt that the plane was shot down.

The one that will bring my private archive
to my fortress in the Alps, tomorrow.

Gundelfinger, my loyal pilot, dead.

Exactly like that.

Shattered in a field in the middle of nowhere.

In my dream I heard the name of
a place I had never heard before.

Birnenschorf?

Börnersdorf!

Börnersdorf.

That is.... that is....

Inconceivable.

Read on, comrade.

All my paintings, my most
private hand-written notes.

Even you my dear diary
fell victim to the flames.

I did not cry during the Röhm-Putsch.

I did not cry on July 20th.

I didn't even shed a single tear during Stalingrad.

But tonight, I cried bitterly.

The Fuehrer cried.

Yes.

Didn't you know?

No.

That was...

.. a big hit.

Yes, that's sensational.

Truly a hit.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Prof. Dr. Fritz Knobel.

Historian and antiques dealer.

Heil!

Heil!

Heil!

You could really get me Hitler's diary?

Anything you want. Everything
that's in those 10 metal boxes.

That's what I could get you.

Oh really, oh that would be....

You see, if somebody keeps a diary...

...he doesn't only write one...

Of course not.

...but several.

Of course.

Under certain circumstances I might have access.

Oh, really?

Via Leningrad, ...

.., Lehmberg, Leipzig, Lindau.

Vienna?

There's only the question if you can afford it, Mr. ..?

Hermann Willié with acute accent.

Money is not an issue. I always
say you either have money or you don't.

I fully agree.

With acute accent,

Weiss-Magazin?

You're from the press?

Very interesting.

No it's not.

Why?

My husband wants nothing
to do with the press.

No, no.

Not at all, he has always avoided
the press, even as a child.

He never wanted to be in the papers.
He has always lied, he can't help it.

And what he just told you about boxes
and diaries is all made up.

Get out of here.

But pro..professor,... I...

Hermann, little man, look, ...

Freya!

Professor!

Hermann!

Being in the paper wouldn't exactly hurt my business.

Being in the paper as a forger! You tinkerer!

Professor!

Please wait.

Stop, stop, professor!

Hermann, little man, look,
Hitler did not keep a diary.

Yes, he did.

No, manny, he didn't.

You know what uncle Hermann
always said to us kids?

After writing "Mein Kampf"
the Fuehrer got a cramp

has a shaky hand,
what a blessing for the fatherland.

He couldn't really.

At least not with his hand.

It's a historic fact.

Börnersdorf

How much cash
do you have on you?

Don't know. Why? Maybe 2000 DM.

Say, you surely have a wife
and kids at home, don't you?

Eh, yes.

So 2 grand is a lot of money for you, right?

Uhuh.

Say, you surely have a wife and kids at home.

So 500 DM is a lot of money for you, right?

I refuse to tolerate a personal question like that.

...while my colleagues are around.
Stop over there.

Börnersdorf.

Freya!

Hermann, I'm warning you.

Don't gyp me again like with that fake Chinaman.

That story about Mao
Tse-tung's gay swim instructor

who turned out to be Korean instead of Chinese

and who definitely couldn't swim.

But he was gay!

And if you can't fathom what a big hit this is

Adolf Hitler's secret diaries.

They aren't down there, are they?

No.

But I know where they are and I'll get 'em.

And if you can't fathom what a
big hit this is. Internationally. Bang, bang!

Bang.

Then you're an ignoramus
and and a huge asshole.

And the plane was all ablaze
and coming over those trees.

And?

We used to have trees here.

Now there aren't any trees.

And I thought 'he'll hit that barn'

But no, right where we are standing now

it went down.

I remember a man wanting out
but nothing could be done.

Everything was bent and hot.

Everything was burnt.

And then, with a single bang.

Total silence.

Terrible.

Great, I mean, gruesome.

A little question on the side:

What was aboard that plane?

Nothing, really, ...no..

Iron .. how do you say it...

Boxes? - Yes, boxes.

Iron boxes.

Did you hear, Hermann?

Holy cow, Hermann.

You know something?

I love you.

Well,

a whole lot of brown sauce.

Well, obviously you don't want it to drip on you.

Neither do I. But we have to remember that

competition is fierce.

Not to mention we could
sell this worldwide.

Just think about what the Americans
made with Einsteins diaries.

Millions.

I'm thinking globally
Hitler's the bigger name.

We've never had an author
like that in our paper.

This sleazy Willié, I mean,...

can't we put someone more professional
on it. It's such a delicate topic.

Does it have to be this sleazy Willié?

Yes, sleazy, that's exactly the right term for him.

But he's a true bloodhound with a good nose.

That guy has some nose, I tell you.

If he really works his way into this Hitler thing..

it'll be a big hit. I'll swear.

I'd like to give this top priority.

That's why I came straight to you, the boss.
Not the editorship.

Only you and me and this ..Willié.

My dear Mr. Willié,..

it's been too long.

We haven't met. I mean I've seen you
but you've never noticed me.

I'm very shortsighted.

What are you bringing me
today, old bloodhound?

This is the cockpit window of the
Ju-352 that crashed over Börnersdorf.

Ah, yes.

Fell from a height of 100 m from old 'Auntie Ju'...

..the parachute didn't open and
this trooper found his tomb.

Pardon?

Jup, we still sang that in the army in '64.

I was an ensign with the paratroopers.

May I ?

Exceptionally...

..aesthetic.

50, 100, 150, 200.

Thousand. - Thousand, yes.

Somebody was here. This is a wet spot
and it smells of semen.

Only I was here, by myself.

Masturbating?

Biggi.

Exactly.

Liar.

You know what I'll do?
I'll go over there and get that slut!

Don't you dare.

Oh I will, and I'll rub her nose in that
spot and then she'll tell me if you fucked her.

You lying son of a bitch.

Biggi, don't. Stay.

Please stay here.

I admit to everything.
You are completely right.

She was here and so was I.

And I am a lying.... well, like you said.

But please do me one favor,

don't take it personally.

You know what I'm like.

I can resist anything...

...except for temptation.

And it comes to me in all shapes and sizes.

I thought to myself.... cash is king.

You see? It's happening again.

Sausage platter.

Ah, yes.

Did she notice?

No.

I admitted to everything.

But I told you to lie!

I can't do that.

I cannot lie, Martha!

The world wants to be lied to.

Yes, yes.

Well, I just can't.

I can't lie.

Neither privately not professionally.

I just can't.

Yes, yes, I know, me neither.

It's a relief

to hear that you're so honest.

Because this thing can only happen
if we are both completely honest.

Of course, honestly.

And that's why I'm telling you quite frankly

that this thing needs to be completely secret.

Top secret.

Yes, yes, the highest degree.

I don't know you, you don't know me.

Of course not.

And these diaries would be coming
from Moscow via the GDR.

Moscow?

Yes, via Kiev, Warsaw, Potsdam, Pankow.

Bangkok?

Pankow!

Nobody knows, nobody may ever know.

They'll just appear, nobody knows from where.

And most importantly, they
may not be publicized.

Not publicized?

I fully agree.

However for a newspaper,
that is a very hard condition.

I don't know how to .... them in Hamburg.

You know Hamburg is Germany's leading press city.

If I approach them like "friends, don't publicize"...

That would be rather novel to them.

I don't mean not publicize them ever.

I mean, don't publish them before I give my OK.

From a safe space

where me and my associates from the East

Can be assured of out safety.

If Hitler's secret diaries are published,
heads will roll. What do you think!

The whole world will be
watching closely.

There will be a bang and we should
both be far away, dear Willié.

Taking cover from the KGB, BND, AEG.

AEG?

I mean ARD..eh.. that acadamic research thing...eh...

I see.

Mossad, Stasi, CIA. I have no use for
money that will only buy me a coffin.

No,no, despite all my passion for it

I am not suicidal.

When I think about what's in store for me..

All the burden I take on with 25 to 30 volumes.

There are 30 volumes?

Roughly. It depends on what's being
delivered and what's being paid.

How about 40k?

40000?

A piece?

Well, er, I mean, we should be able to find a way.

I think, maybe one or two.

Shall we say 3 for 120?

I'll give you an advance of 10%.

12000 DM and the rest upon delivery.

These are 1,2,3,4...

80, 90, 100

110, 120, 130

I hope that engine will run.

Empty. I think fried eggs and coffee
aren't good for my stomach.

Maybe chamomile tea and Zwieback?

Oh yes, please!

And maybe some very light oatmeal?

That would be sweet.

Fritzken,

just say what you need, I'll do anything for you.

Ugh!

What's upP?

No, no, just your strong smell.

From my mouth?

Yes.

24.02.1940

The superhuman efforts

of the recent past

are giving me gas in my intestines.

And Eva says I have bad breath.

When I think about what
we are holding in our hands here.

What his hands touched.

When I think about that ... here and now....

I'm touching what he held in his hands.

Then, I get a whiff of something.. like an emotion.

Something like history's ice cold breath.

I have to admit.

What did I want to say?

Right, what's in them?

I did not dare to break the seal,
my Fuehrer, I mean, ... doctor.

It says so on them....
that only authorized people.... explicitly.

Top secret. Property of the Fuehrer. Keep shut.

And so on... Bohrmann.

Well, eh, ..

That falls under the statute of limitations, right?

I mean it does not apply for us anymore.

Pass me those scissors.

Ah, right, that is written in old German.

That's how the Fuehrer wrote.

Yes, yes.

Kept astoundingly well.

Beautiful old German writing.

Too bad, ... too bad, that I cannot read this now.

Back with the Hitler Youth I used to ....
we didn't read or write much, but..

If you like, I can try.

Here it says February 24th, 1942.

February 24th.

Right.

And then, ... aha, ... the Ü, eh, U,...

... the superhuman efforts ...

..of the recent past...

.... are giving me gas ....

..in my intestines.

Gas in my intestines. Incredible. So intimate.

Carry on.

Gas in my intestines and Eversack.

Eversack?

Who's Eversack?

Eversack is bardbath.

Maybe he's alluding to a person
named Eversack Bardbath. Sounds Jewish.

Maybe bad breath?

As I was saying Eversack is a Jew.

And his real last name is badbreath,
and Hitler found out or something....

Just a minute.

Now I know. Incredible.
Such human grandeur.

Uncompromising authenticity.

Go on, what does it say?

It says: The superhuman efforts of recent times
are giving me gas in my intestines.

And Eva says...that I have bad breath.

That is...

..that is...

That is sensational.

Adolf Hitler privately.

A person like me and you.

That's a worldwide sensation, gentlemen.

Hermann.

600.000, 700.000, 800.000,....
I guess I need to go to the bank.

Go ahead, where's the problem?

Bank's are still closed.

Well then open one!

I am happy to hear you like it.

The way the Fuehrer wrote it, Mr. Willié.

Hermann.

Hermann from now on.

It's not like I know what 's in them, Hermann.

I was afraid you guys
might not like it. Historically.

Historically this is of greatest importance

for Germany, for the entire world.

Really?

Every word is most important.

He's sharing his innermost thoughts every day.

Is that true.

I haven't read it but it's possible
he wrote a bunch of bullshit, right?

No?

Fritz, if you value our friendship

don't talk like that about
the Fuehrer in my presence.

Sorry, Hermann, I didn't mean it like that.

Nevermind. When can you deliver
the remaining 25 books?

25?

Yes, chop chop, asap.

Put some pressure on them,
they're getting paid for it!

Here's another 100.000, as an advance.

Thank you, Hermann.

Dr. Wieland may I introduce Baroness von Hepp.

The niece of the Reichsmarschall.

What?

Göring.

Frau Göring...

Von Hepp

Oh, pardon.

No need to apologize
I'm not ashamed of my uncle.

Neither do I.

My uncle, e.g. was in the resistance.

Yes, I guess neither of us
is to blame for their families.

Of course not, quite the contrary,
maybe the two have met.

I'd say never mind and cheers.

Champagne!

I meant your uncle, .. my uncle, ... eh...

You're not only weak...
you're a pig.

Oh Fritz, ... come here, just once more.

That's enough.

January 30th, 1933

I need to have a serious talk with Eva.

She believes a man spearheading Germany

has spare time for private affairs

In her youth she does not realize the constant
struggle the German chancellor is facing.

August 1st, 1936

I opened the Olympic Summer Games 1936

All events are sold out.
I hope I'll get tickets for Eva.

November 19th, 1942

At the east face of Watzmann
three young mountaineers were under distress.

I sent 50 mountain infantrists to their rescue.

What cheek!

This is beyond belief.

What?

Why does nobody show this to us?

Oh, I see.

Why? We are showing it to you right now.

Why are we finding out now.

Why is the editorship being left out?

Who's leaving you out we are
putting all our cards on the table.

We're just asking you if you would be interested
in publishing Hitler's secret diaries.

Pardon me Mr. Willié but that's not the point.
Hitler's secret diaries would be a hit.

Globally.

Oh, really, you think?

It's beyond comprehension, indeed. I mean

This discovery is so unusual and astounding...

...knowing Mr. Willié I have only one question:

Which one?

Are they real?

Great question, Uwe.

What do you mean, 'real'?
I don't get it.

Yes, no, I mean, me neither.

That maybe, but this first letter
here looks like an 'F' to me.

And his name was hardly Fritze Hitler.

That's an F? ... FH?

That's an 'A', not an 'F'.

No, it's clearly an....'F'...'FH'.

Fuehrer Hitler.

That's it, "Fuehrer Hitler".

Nonsense, Fuehrer Hitler...

Maybe 'Flags high", Uwe.

Nonsense.

Fuehrer...Fuehrer

Fuehrer Hail

Fuehrer's Hound

Fuehrer's dog?

Fuehrer's Hand?

Fuehrer's ...

Head...quarters. Führerhauptquartier!

Fuehrer Headquarters

February 6th, 1943

Last weeks tension took a
toll on my health.

I have caught a cold from
driving with the roof down.

I have a temperature of 39.5°C.

I have to interrupt my work repeatedly

Even the most simple tasks
are causing me great difficulties.

I am using up a huge amount of these
convenient new paper tissues.

I am constantly shaken by
violent sneezing spells.

I'm taking lots of medications.

I feel very groggy.

I have strong headaches..

..sometimes it's so bad that
I have a constant ringing in my ears.

It rings, and rings, and rings, and rings.

What do you look like?

What do you mean?

I look bad.

Last weeks tensions took a
toll on my health.

I have caught a cold from
driving in a convertible.

Here, I have a temperature of 39.5°C

Fritz, we need to get an expertise.

What kind of expertises?

The editorship wants expertises by independent experts

which prove beyond any doubt that
the author is Adolf Hitler and nobody else.

I think that is....

I find that..., eh...

That's a great idea, Hermann.

Not a problem.

We'll do a handwriting analysis.

Handwriting analysis?

Yes, you take the original diary in
the Fuehrer's original handwriting,

and compare it to another original writing
done by the original Fuehrer

also in the same original handwriting.

And then you can compare one
original with the other.

And where can I get such an
original writing by the Fuehrer?

From the Fuehrer, I mean from me,
from those metal boxes.

I'll have to look if I still
have something by the Fuehrer.

Cognac?

The bottle is in the bunker.

In the name of the German people
I order Prof. Dr. Ing. hc. Ferdinand Porsche

to invent a novel 4-cylinder motor vehicle

with an air-cooled standard engine

priced like a midsize motorbike

low-maintenance, sturdy, with low fuel consumption.

a car for the entire German people

A true Volkswagen. Signed, Adolf Hitler.

Oh dear, he has invented the beetle.

Yes, and it still runs.

40.5°C.

I hope he doesn't die.

He's never had a fever this high with me.

Not with me, either.

How can the doctor say he's fine
when he's burning up.

His hear is beating as if it might
tear him apart any minute.

Say something, Fritz.

Fritzken, tell us what's wrong.

F...f....fear.

You don't need to be afraid any more.
Martha and I had a talk.

Woman to woman.

We get along very well now.

It keeps getting better and better

Can you keep a secret, father?

What?

Do you know the Corinthians?

Yes, I, Paul,...
Do you know the Corinthians?

Yes, I, Paul,...

etc., etc., yes, yes,...

Now imagine you were suspecting
that these epistles were forgeries.

What?

Not General Paul, I mean the Apostle Paul was the author
but a sleazy, little, ......

militaria dealer from Jerusalem.

But why?

Maybe for 20000 silver pieces.

Per epistle.

From whom?

From some big paper. Jerusalem magazine or something.

You're in feverish delirium.

No, no, no, father,... imagine you suspected
that somebody screwed you over.

Wouldn't you have to go to your boss?

And tell the holy father that this
Corinthian thing smells,

we shouldn't publish them.

Prof. Dr. Jäggi from Zurich

was able to verify beyond reasonable doubt

that the documents presented come from
the same author, Adolf Hitler.

Slower and more clearly, please.

Steward Rosenzweig, New York City:
After extensive analysis of the handwriting...

and comparison with the different
documents provided by you

..I have come to the conclusion
that Hitler wrote all of them.

Prof. Dr. Siegfried Kessel, London.... I recognize
a handwriting very familiar to me....

..that of our Fuehrer Adolf Hitler.

One is neutral, one's a Jew, one's an old Nazi.
You can hardly ask for more.

What's up Hermann,
aren't you happy?

I never doubted it for a second.

Exactly.

Yes.

Hermann

Fritz! Fritzken! Seriously.

Are you also trade east to west?

East to west?

yes, no, Miss Martha is a close
confidante of my husband.

His..

secretary

private secretary.

my husband's business has grown so much

Oh really?

Yes, he's expanding every day.
He's bubbling over with ideas.

Can you see this small white dust?

That her.

Eva?

Yes, Eva.

and the bigger, grayish brown, coarser particles, that's him.

Adolf?

Yes.

Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.

Forever and ever.

united in death

Mixed. Can't be told apart by a layman.

How much would you want for it?

Well, this is priceless, really.

If at all, I'll only sell the bundle.

What bundle?

Imagine what has come to light!

What?

I've just heard from a trustworthy source in Potsdam.
The Fuehrer didn't write 30 diaries, he wrote 60!

60? Fritz! That would be...

expensive, Hermann. Expensive.

40k per volume won't be enough.

And there's lots more.

Secret documents, paintings,
all very secret.

Fritz, give me a spoon full.

Please.

Just a single one.

No, Hermann, I can't just
tear the two apart like that.

Then give me two.

Dear colleagues, I am happy
you made it after all.

Dear Uwe, dear Kurt.

It's our pleasure.

Yes, indeed, Hermann.

Dear colleagues, let me introduce you to
Lieutenant General von Klantz from the SS

and Mr. Strasser, the Fuehrer's art expert.

Dear Lieutenant General, Dear Professor,

Our editorship is reporting for duty
if I may say so.

It's a big honor, Gentlemen,

to finally be opening the eyes of the German
people and the rest of the world.

We are fully aware, Lieutenant Colonel,
.. I mean Lieutenant General.

..and to be saying loudly and clearly, that

there was a human heart in
the Fuehrer's chest, as well.

And what a heart!

One, two, one, two.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

tonight we're celebrating with our host,

our dear old friend Hermann,

his 30 year anniversary in the business.

How he's achieved all of this with such bravery,

such success,

and never-ending commitment,

will now be told by my little song.

That's how I paid for college.

You look all messed up.

That's your passion, Hermann.

Oh, really?

Can't you at least put makeup on
before you come to breakfast?

At your age.

You look all wrinkly.

Orange marmalade. Again!

You bitch!

I'm leaving now. Forever.

Well,

Don't speak. Whatever you're about to say is a lie.

You think you're on the way up now.

And there's no more room for
people who knew you before.

I get it.

And I get that you want
your triumph all to yourself.

Hope you'll get there. Hermann. Adieu.

Adieu.

Into the trash? You're throwing out my paper?

This perfectly terrible East German paper?

You throw out this precious
old paper like it was junk!

Every single night for over a year
now I sit at this goddamn table

in front of these damn journals
until I want to puke.

57 volumes of Adolf, written by Hand,
Biggi, you know what that means?

I don't know who I am anymore.

That I believe.

I know his handwriting better than my own.
I've lost my own.

I've put in superhuman efforts, Biggi.

And I will shortly have created
the world's biggest work of forgery.

And the two of you..?

We're cleaning up.

It was about time.

You are destroying my means of production!

I have very lucrative orders!

Hitler's book on women.

Hitler's novel on Ludwig II.

Hitler on Blondie, the German
shepherd through the millenia

and my opera, Biggi

Opera? You're a composer, too?

Nonsense, shut up you stupid cow.

Biggi, I want to write my opera.

Fritz, get that thought out of your head.

Oh, Biggi, what a smash hit that would be!

Wayland, the Smith. A comedic opera
by Adolf Knobel, I mean, Hitler.

Conducted by Leni v. Riefenstahl.

Conducted by Karajan, premieres in Bayreuth.

That would be.....

That would be a cultural world sensation!

Biggi, and you and me...

and me?

Yes, you too. The three of us
are sitting in the first row.

You'll be sitting in jail, not in the first row.

What do you think, heads are going to roll

when Hitler's secret diaries are published
the whole world will be watching

very closely.

It'll cause such a bang that
we'll better take cover far, far away.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Ladies and Gentlemen, dear colleagues,

I am happy about the turnout.

I am opening our press conference

Welcoming journalists from 87 nations
as well as 24 foreign TV stations.

From this day on,
vast parts of German history need to be rewritten.

Just between us two, this is an F, not an A, right?

And he surely wasn't called Ferdinand.

Of course not.

So what does FH stand for?

Something's rotten, Lieutenant General.

A forgery, Lieutenant General.

Didn't you know?

Hermann, Hermann

Here's the newest expertise
from the Federal Criminal Agency.

Another one? Great, leave it with the others
and grab a bottle of champagne.

Hermann!

The Hitler diaries were certainly
produced after the war.

The tacking threads and glue used
had not yet been available during the Third Reich.

With regards to content
it's a superficial product

of a forger of limited intellectual capacity.

Passports, please.

The Count

The Countess

Your highness.

There you go.

Safe travels.

Hermann, if you say the words 'big hit'
one more time, I'll punch you in the face.

Don't you realize? If the diaries are in Hitler's handwriting...

..and we have three expertises that prove that...

..but the paper was produced after the war...

..that can only mean...

..that you cheated us out of 9 million DM.

For bad breath and gas.

Unsavory smut.

Tasteless.

Disgusting.

No, no, no.

That can only mean that Adolf Fuehrer

must have written his diaries

after his death.

And since the dead can't write

that can only mean that

he lives.

Who's alive?

Adolf Hitler.

He's alive.

That's the hit of the millennium.

he..

he lives...

Yeah, right.

Yes, yes.

He lives.

I'll prove it to you.

I'll look for him.

and I'll find him

and when I've found him

I'll bring him right here

to Hamburg.

Hamburg is Germany's leading press city.

You've gotten me into
hot water, Gentlemen.