All language subtitles for Picnicface s01e12 Time Machine

Oh, my God.

Our executive producer has asked us to
stop doing such high -concept threads

do something simpler like get a
celebrity guest.

So, we built a time machine.

Boom! And we're going to go back and get
Marilyn Monroe.

You ready? Yeah. For Marilyn!

Oh, fuck.

What the fuck did you do, Bill?

I was trying to drug her to get her back
here.

Sleeping pills. You gave her a full
bottle of sleeping pills.

They were just on the counter. That was
the only thing I had access to. I

thought she could handle them.

She died in my arms. I can't believe you
killed her.

Ryan,

hold yourself together.

Shut up! I need to know that you can
keep this.

Is that Marilyn's mole?

She wasn't using it?

I am so good.

Brother! The village is under attack! We
must get to the dragons and defeat our

enemies!

Yeah, okay.

I don't know if I want to do that.

The village needs you. You're a dragon
rider.

I know.

Just, uh...

I don't know if I want to be a dragon
rider anymore.

How can you say such a thing?

Don't the dragons hear you speak like
that?

I don't think the dragons really even
know that we're riding them.

They just kind of fly around and
randomly burn shit.

Yeah, they burn the villages of our
enemy.

No, most of them are our own villages.
Yeah, that dragon's flame always burns

trees. I don't know. My dragon is
fucking crazy.

Last week he ate an entire spruce tree.

I didn't tell him to do that. He just...

Started eating it. The whole thing.
Like, whole. Didn't even chew it. Just

went... And I swear to God, he was
making eye contact with me when he

did it. And he was crying. What does
that mean? I don't know, man.

They don't even fight when we tell them
to fight, so... Well, they fought at the

Battle of Vatagon Green, if you care to
remember.

Oh, yeah, I didn't make that, because my
dragon was just rolling around in a

field eating sheep randomly, along with
all the other dragons, except yours. It

was a glorious battle.

It was the day I lost my eye.

Yup, to your own dragon. He ate your own
eye, so... Sure, he had a good reason.

I don't think he did.

This is a dumb, dumb dragon.

Your dragon's an asshole.

I'm just tired of it. I don't like this.
I don't like this life. We were fine

before the dragon showed up. There used
to be thousands of people who lived

here. Now there's only 14. The noble 14,
chosen by dragons to live.

Chosen by dragons to live?

What kind of life is this, okay? This is
a crappy, crappy life. We live in huts,

for God's sake.

Gary, stop it.

What? You think I don't miss my wife? My
minivan?

Thursday nights at Boston Pizza? Yeah, I
miss it all.

But this is our life.

And all we've got are those dragons.

So, you can either sit here and feel
sorry for yourself, or you can go fight

those dragons over there.

With these dragons over here.

All right. Brother, to the dragons.

To the dragon.

Drakadon, charge.

Okay, I think he's, yeah, he's mounting
the other one.

Oh, that's not a good attack.

I want to talk to you about something
that inspires me. And that

thing is excellence.

Because excellence matters.

We need to focus on results and achieve
the breakthroughs that will launch us

into the realm of exactitude. But before
we take this train down Business River,

there's a few more tools we need to pack
in our business bag.

First, we need to rise up in order to be
higher. Second, when faced with

adversity, remember this acronym, PAW.

Penetrate, abbreviate, wow.

And third, don't add value, multiply
value, or attach an exponent.

Math gives us options.

Do things!

Now I want you to point your finger and
thumb like it's a gun. This will be your

excellence gun.

Point this at whatever it is you want to
achieve and say, I don't want to hurt

you, but I will.

This gun is full of gumption and steel,
and I will fill you with both if I don't

get results.

Now this can be an excellence hand
grenade or an excellence flamethrower.

weapon isn't important as long as the
threat is credible.

So in conclusion...

Excellence, business, business bag,
results, wow, rise up, guns,

business excellence, excellence.

Hey guys, so when I was in grade five,
there was this girl, Alyssa, that I had

really big crush on, but I was just too
nervous to ask her out.

So I thought I would take the time
machine, go back in time, and convince

to ask her out.

That seems really inconsequential, Andy.
Well, you wouldn't say that if you met

her, so see you in a second.

I might say that.

What happened?

I convinced my younger self to ask her
out. She said no. She didn't want it.

would have none of that.

Oh, yeah, she didn't like me at all, so
I got angry at her.

I got really angry.

And, yeah, I was like, what are you
doing?

You got to go out with me. Look how cool
I am. And then I guess a bunch of

teachers saw me yelling at a 10 -year
-old. I shook her a bit. I shook her

a little bit. They overreacted. It was
just a couple shakes.

Yeah, okay, a couple shakes from an
adult man to a child's frail body is not

small thing. Yeah, so I had to get out
of there. I got right out of there,

right? I just took off. I hit her up
when she was 16 years old.

Talk to her. That was a bad idea,
because she recognized me. She

Apparently, that was really strong in
her mind, the shaking. Well, yeah, you

don't forget the 30 -year -old deranged
man who shakes you. This time, I didn't.

I just looked at her. I just gave her a
shake, because, you know, she just

really fucked up my life. Stop shaking
this woman!

Yeah, so she should be about, I don't
know, I think 31 right now. So, I'm not

sure. I think I snapped her neck. I
don't know. You snapped her neck?

I know. There was a little bit of a, you
know, and then...

I don't know, maybe she fell asleep or
something. She didn't fall asleep.

You don't shake someone to sleep. I
can't go back to the scene of the crime.

made me just sleeping. Just knock on the
door. I'm really scared.

She was totally limp, man. She was
asleep.

Fine, fine.

Thank you.

If she is dead, if she is dead, just,
um, can you fucking hide her for me?

So it's time to stop messing around and
start using this time machine for good.

So I'm going to go back in time and kill
Hitler.

How?

Check this out. I'm going to go back to
before he was born and kill his mom.

So you're just going to kill an innocent
woman?

She's not innocent. She created evil.

That's the crime before the crime, and
I'm going to stop that crime. Wish me

luck. Mark, you... Okay.

Great.

Oh, hey, man.

So, did you, uh... Did you do it?

Uh, no.

You didn't, okay.

No, I found her.

Yeah? Yeah.

And then what was... She is a handsome
woman. I had sex with Hitler's mom.

Did you... Did you father Hitler?

Haven't we all fathered Hitler in one
way or another, Andy? No, no, we

That is not something that we all have
done, Mark. Well, I have.

Okay. I fathered Hitler. I'm Hitler's
dad.

You were never five years?

I wanted to see him grow up. He's my
baby boy.

Oh, you're in the history books. There
you are. That's the amazing thing is

he had that mustache ever since he was a
baby.

That's crazy.

Okay, we got to do something.

Okay. I got it. Okay. I'm going to go
back in time and stop this from ever

happening. Don't touch that thing. Stop
it.

Okay. That's great.

Great. Okay. What happened? What did you
do? Oh, man. You had a threesome with

yourself? There's two of you now beside
her.

Give it to me, give it to me, give it to
me, don't give it to me, give it to me.

Oh, mama.

Let's just not ever talk about this ever
again, okay? A history book will do all

the talking for us. I'm totally naked. A
fucking spread in a history book?

Yeah.

Hey, Richard.

Oh, hello, Michael.

You're up early.

So, you stayed over at Anne's house last
night, huh?

I really didn't know that you liked her.
Oh, no, it's cool. I didn't make that

clear, so... So, I mean, you know,
there's no one to blame but myself on

one. Cool, man. I'm gonna catch a nap
because I gotta go to work in a couple

hours, so... Hey, yo, you gotta get some
Z's. You're probably pretty bagged from

last night, huh?

I'll probably still be here when you get
up with all these dishes to wash.

Okay, Richard, what did you do to my
bed? I cut it in half with a sword. You

it in half with a sword?

Where did you get a sword?

From a homeless knight.

Okay, great. Where did you really get a
sword? Oh, you don't believe me. How

surprising for our relationship.

Sir Percival!

Yes, me lord.

What is your occupation, Sir Percival?
Knight, me lord.

And your current residential status?

Homeless.

So, homeless knight.

Wrecking up leaves for me. Yeah, I see.

Backyard. Okay, all right. We're cops!

I replaced them. What did you put an orb
in our cupboard for? Why don't you look

directly into its core and find out what
kind of secrets it holds? I'm not

looking. It's too bright.

Please look into the orb. I'm not
looking into it.

Please. I am not looking into that orb,
okay? For once, do something for me.

I'm not looking into it. Damn it!

It's supposed to steal your soul.

You're killing me here, man.

Do not trifle with me, okay?

I am not what I seem. I've got palms on
both sides of my hands. I can shake you

which ways.

Okay, will you try to stop it?

Milord, I am in need of your aid.

Aye, you boxcar wizard.

Off my lawn.

Sir Percival, pursue him. Right away.

Do not ride my rake like a grueled
Percival.

Get him.

He looks absolutely odd.

Nice work, little orc.

Hey, Volcano.

Hey, Jonathan.

What's the matter?

Aw, there's this girl at school that I
like, but I don't know what to say to

her. You should tell her how you feel.

But I'm nervous.

Oh, don't be.

You just have to go up to her and get
the fuck out of here. I'm gonna blow!

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

There's an eight -year -old and a
volcano talking about things about eight

-olds.

Okay.

I have decided to use our turn with the
time machine to go back to the year 1982

and see Huey Lewis and the News live in
concert.

They were my favorite band growing up.
Love them.

Super excited.

Me too.

Let's do this. Let's do it.

That was okay.

It's pretty good.

A lot of saxophone.

A lot of saxophone.

Tired of the same old boring game?

This game sucks.

Megalord Wars.

Are you ready for battle?

Megalord, here!

No!

Ready for a real game?

Yeah. Try this.

Megalord Wars.

Do you have what it takes? Can you save
the world?

Can you summon the energy to shoot down
the squares with your guns? All the

while playing a sweet guitar riff?

Just summon Megalord next time you're
ready for battle.

What's going on in here?

Megalord, no.

Control, you need to go separately.

You're late, Megalord.

Sorry, boss.

Hey, man.

Oh, hey, man.

I didn't see you when I got up this
morning.

Not the apartment room?

Yeah, I had band practice. Battle of the
bands this Friday.

Speaking of the apartment, I asked
Shelly to move in with me.

Oh, hey.

Congratulations, man.

Oh, thanks, man.

Man, that's so great for you guys.

So if you could be up by Friday.

Okay, cool, man. All right.

Thank you. All right.

Megalord is needed!

You've got time for one more game,
right?

Actually, I'm kind of tired. I probably
should get to bed.

Okay, yeah.

All right.

Next time you, uh, want to play...
Megalord? Well, yeah.

Should just be a few minutes.

Oh, great. Thank you. Thank you so much.
No problem.

So, is this a full -time gig for you?

Oh, no.

It's more of a sacred duty.

My real passion is for music.

Yeah. My band, Mega Band, we've actually
got a show coming up this Friday. It's

a battle of a band. Oh, wow. Okay.

You're probably busy, but...

Yeah, but... Yeah.

Very special posters. Yeah, oh, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

So, is there a, uh, Mr. Williams?

Uh, no, he passed away.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Uh, if you ever need anyone to come by
and help you out with Jason, you know...

Talk to me at night or just like if you
personally need anything. Oh, that's

okay.

Just like a friend or a shoulder to cry
on.

No, no, I don't. But thank you.

Cool, yeah. Yeah, no, that's cool. Yeah,
yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, just get so lonely on the road.

Do you travel a lot with your band?

No, no, no. You got me.

Oh, I didn't mean to catch you. I just
think you'd love a couple of our songs.

Yeah, I can sing one for you right now.

Oh, that's okay. You really don't have
to do that. Oh, I don't mind at all.

just sort of like, I mean... The car's
probably ready.

Love is not a thing you can say no to.

Love is just the way that I feel.

And baby, you know it is real.

You know that it's real.

You know that it's real. And then it
sort of like breaks down in the chorus.

It's sort of like, don't ever say
goodnight.

I'm just going to leave it. I was
thinking for the music video, it might

me dressed up as a wolf just letting the
moon have it. Just, I'm going to worry

about my car in the morning. You can
just leave the cables on the porch.

Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

Thanks very much again. Thank you. Not a
problem. Anytime.

Okay, I'll see you later then.

Okay, gentlemen, we need to right some
wrongs here that you idiots have caused.

So we're going to go back in time to
unkill Marilyn Monroe.

Thank you. We're going to stop Mark from
jamming his dick in Hitler's mom.

Or Marilyn.

You idiot.

Mom,

we've gotta get you back in your real
body.

Honestly, I'm comfortable.

I'm killing Kennedy. I was sure I could
fly that plane.

And this is where we film parts of our
show.

Huh. What's this dust, Papa?

That's a camera.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

I must travel to the past to write my
novel, The Great Gatsby.

You're saying you're F. Scott
Fitzgerald. The F stands for future.

Fitzgerald. You like The Great Gatsby?

For he's a jolly good fellow.