All language subtitles for Picnicface s01e02 Demographics

You do this, this, or this? Yeah. Try
this. Thanks. Now I do this.

Call 1 -triple -0. Try this.

Don't try this.

We just got our network demographics.

Shows how each of us tested with
different age groups. Everyone did

with 14 and 28 -year -olds, except Andy.

You really hit the 65 -plus demographic.

No, you're the old one. That's your
thing.

That's not my thing. What do you mean
it's my thing? I'm not the old one. My

thing is, like, I'm the, you know, the
racist? Yeah. No, I'm not the racist.

It's not your fault. There's just a
generation gap between us. It's not a

generation gap. You're four years
younger than me.

There's still a gap.

Like, what's your middle name?

Martin.

Martin, what's your middle name?

Hot Groove. Hot Groove. Your middle name
is Hot Groove?

Yeah. Scott is, like, the same age as
me. In fact, I think he's three months

older than me. So? Yeah, but Scott does
things that make him seem young.

Mom's up!

Mom's up!

Yeah! What is Mom's up?

I've never heard of that. Mom's up. You
go, Mom's up.

Okay, you know what? I'm going to prove
to all of you that I am the youngest

skewing person here.

Oh, how'd you do?

Um, people think I'm gay.

You didn't expect to get robbed by
truckers, did you?

It's a trucker!

What?

It's a cop.

What are we doing?

We're not robbers. We're truckers.

Bad luck.

Bad luck?

How did they know we were going to be
here?

We were ratted out.

It wasn't me. It wasn't me. Well, one of
you is a rat.

Listen, with regard to our... Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

With regard to?

I just mean in terms of how we
approach... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

In terms of?

What is this, word college?

Please, I just... Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Please?

Looks like we found ourselves a rat.

I'm not a rat.

I'm a trucker. Well, if you're a
trucker, what's the trucker password?

Truck?

Checks out.

Lucky get...

What's that? Nothing.

It's just my big fat trucker guts.

It's your big fat trucker... It's not
trucker guts!

They're just tiny bags of chips!

Tiny bags of lies!

Wait a second.

This isn't a blue collar!

It's just a white collar painted blue!

And his mullet is just attached to his
high hat! You can't...

It can.

It's sweet.

You're not a trucker at all.

You're a bag of sugar.

I've been talking to a bag of sugar the
whole time.

Bill, this must have been in their
minds.

Bill?

Bill, you're cold to the touch.

You're not a trucker.

You're a spoon.

A bag of sugar.

And a spoon.

Oh, and this ain't a convenience store.

It's a bowl of cereal.

I'm not a trucker.

I'm a deer.

I'm a deer in a bowl of cereal.

Baby deer, baby deer.

Delightful reels of the baby deer.

No more tears with the baby deer.

Throw away your beautiful baby deer.

Honey, oats, and deer. Honey, oats, and
deer. Baby deer.

Baby deer, deer, deer.

Life Cereal, now with baby deer.

Hello, I'm Victor Life Cereal, founder
and CEO of Life Cereal. In

each box of Life Cereal, you'll find a
baby deer.

How do you like me now, Gregory Cheerio?

Can your cartoon bee compete with what a
live baby deer can do?

I'm Gregory Cheerio.

I hear your challenge, Victor Life
Cereal, and you're on. From now on,

of Cheerios will come with a swarm of
live bees.

Every box is going to be pre -shaken in
the factory to ensure optimum bee

rage. I see your challenge, Victor Life
Cereal, and I'm into it.

Sorry.

Can I see a script for a minute? Yeah,
yeah, sure.

Hey, what's up, cool dudes? It's me,
cool young Andy.

If you're 65 and over, you better tune
out right now because this is not for

you. I'm going to do a cool prank right
now in front of everybody.

I'm going to chug my own piss.

Yo, what's up, old fogies?

What's going on?

What are you doing? Yeah.

My name is Andy, and this is Piss Chug.

Oh.

Whose piss is that?

It's my own piss.

Can we get him out for a second before
we throw him out? We're behind, Andy. I

know we're behind. In the hallway,
please.

If you don't mind, it's just that we've
got five minutes to get this.

Stop chugging him.

Just pull tighter and I can be the line.
No, no, it's good.

It's good he's back.

I'm

Gregory

Cheerio.

I see your challenge, Victor, that's
serial.

And you're on.

You drink it. You drink it. You know I'm
drinking your goddamn piss. I don't,

man.

Previously on Picnic Face.

Piss, piss, chug my old piss.

Rage!

Hi, I'm Patrick Corn Pops. Right now,
every box of Corn Pops comes with its

own box.

You don't have to put it in your hands
anymore.

It's great. Find what you love and punch
a hole through it.

Give me your kids!

I'm Harold Honeycomb.

Every box of honeycombs now comes with a
small...

Holy shit.

Oh, man.

Okay.

In every box of honeycomb cereal, you'll
now find a small to medium -sized human

skull. Some might say to me, Harold, why
put a human skull inside of a box of

honeycombs? To which I would reply, why
not? To which they reply, because it's a

cereal for children.

And I wouldn't have an answer to that.

Hey, we're the Shreddies brothers, Tom
and Jim Shreddy. And every box of

cereal finds something very special. But
if you want to know what it is, you

gotta pull up your pants.

Buy a box of Shreddy.

Hi, I'm Tad Muesli.

Now each box of Muesli comes with
Muesli.

I love my wife.

Yeah, let's see how many boyfriends you
have.

Uh -oh.

Looks like no boyfriends.

Actually, I'm her boyfriend.

Hey,

what's up, dudes? I'm going to get fresh
with this old bogey over here.

Okay? My name is Andy.

I'm what's up with the what?

And this is Skateboard Trick.

Check this out. You're not going to
believe it. What are you doing? Check it

out.

What's up,

kids?

Do this at home. You don't need helmets.

Who cares?

Helmets are for old people.

It's for old people.

Why does your breath smell like piss?
Oh.

Oh, hey there, girl.

Hey, stop right there.

Where you headed so fast?

You looking for a nice cold pootie
party?

You bring the pootie, we'll bring... We
will thank you for bringing the pootie.

Get that fine little tush on up here.

Push that tush. Yeah, have a little seat
on my lapsicle.

I'll make love to you like a confused
bear.

Awkwardly. And in a manner that suggests
I'm trying to escape.

Man scared.

Scared of that pootie. I like my women
like I like my scotch, girl.

On rocks.

Show your rocks.

Oh, I got a pocket full of stones, girl.

You love it. Yeah, I'll make love to you
on these.

Rock and roll.

Shack -a -mock.

Blap. I like my women like I like my
rocks.

In scotch. Ba -doom -boom.

You can't fathom my length, girl. Oh,
you can't. You'll be like stringing two

tin cans together. You'll be like,
hello?

I'm in ya.

Brat, brat. Oh, yeah.

Cheap potato pie. Wacker bean. Pete
Rose.

Pootie potty. Pootie pootie potty.
Pootie potty. Pootie pootie potty. Shack

boom. Shack boom. Shack shack. Ba -doom
-boom. Pootie potty. Glow some cheek.

Glow some cheek.

Glow some cheek.

girls on the street girls on the street
girls on the street

Hey,

I'm Scott Vroman, the actual person.

Lately, I've observed a large number of
hilarious internet videos featuring

cats. Based on this empirical evidence,
I've formed a hypothesis.

Cats are inherently funny.

To test this hypothesis, I'm going to
add a cat to a scene to see if it makes

that scene more amusing. In the sketch
you just saw, there were no cats.

Let's see what happens when we add one.

Where you going there, girl?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'll make love to you, girl.

Yeah, I'll make love to you like a
confused bear.

Well, clearly that was a success.

But let's increase the cat variable by
one cat.

So two cats.

Well, obviously, comedically, that
didn't work.

Let's split the difference.

One and a half cats.

One cat is optimal.

Previously on Picnic Face.

I love my brother.

McCory.

Dance.

It's time to dance.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

Hey,

Liz. How you doing?

How was your trip?

It was okay.

It was good.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I was in my hotel and a seagull
crashed into the window.

Its wings were broken and one of its
legs was messed up. It was just out

making this horrible noise. Awful.

I grabbed my pillow from my room and I
snuffed it out. The pillow?

Weird. It kind of felt good to just end
the suffering, you know?

I understand that.

I mean, sometimes it's got to be a mercy
kill.

Yeah.

Well, hello, you.

Hello, yourself.

What's gotten into you today?

Well, I did a little bit of good today,
Linz. What did you do? Well, there was a

squirrel in the backyard really
struggling with this particular nut.

Went on for three minutes, it couldn't
even open it to feed itself, and then I

went out back and took care of it with
my pillow.

I don't... I think maybe we need to have
a conversation about what you think a

mercy killer is. I know what it is. It's
like when you look in the neighbor's

yard and there's a dog chasing its tail,
just a hopeless, eternal struggle.

So you, naturally, go get your pillow.
Oh, my God, did you murder Gloria's dog?

I didn't murder anything, but the dog is
dead.

Oh, my God!

I killed your parrot, Linz.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

You're so sad.

Suffering does not have to continue.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

To the left.

Let's switch it up.

To the left, to the left, to the left,
to the left...

Let's punch it up a bit. I'll punch it
up a bit.

Son of a bitch!

We got a first -timer taking off the
show

tonight, so please give a warm welcome
for Mrs.

Shelley DuPont!

What is the difference between a man and
a chair?

A chair has four legs, and a man will
sleep with a prostitute while on a

business trip to Delaware. Am I right,
ladies?

How about this one, ladies?

A woman walks into a doctor's office,
and the doctor says, Mrs.

DuPont, you have herpes.

What? Herpes, Ms. DuPont.

Seriously?

Yes.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Have you had any unprotected sex lately,
Ms. DuPont?

Only with my husband, son of a bitch, am
I right? Ladies!

I am right.

I am right.

That was pretty good, but let's punch it
up a

bit.

Makes everything better.

Oh, man.

I should be a scientist.

Mahoney, this is the last time.

I want you to give me your badge.

You want my badge, Chief?

Yes, I want your badge. You want my
badge? Please don't make this difficult,

Mahoney. Oh, I'm not.

I'm just trying to ascertain exactly
what it is you want from me. Am I right

assume it's my badge? That's correct.

Fine. Take my badge. It's a bag of
candy. Perhaps I misunderstood the badge

wanted. Please don't do this. This
badge?

That's not a badge. Is it not?

It's a brick. Just let me get this
straight, okay?

Let's say this is you. You're
represented by this dog.

And this slice of pizza is me. And my
badge will be played by this snowman.

You want me to give you the snowman?

I can't give you anything.

I'm pizza.

Do not make me take it with force,
Mahoney. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay,

just trying to get this straight. I will
be represented by this staff of Hermes.

And you will be this young ingenue who
just arrived in the big city and is

hoping to make a splash on Broadway.

Give me a badge. No. Give me a badge.

I don't have it.

Where is it? I got drunk and pinned it
to a bear.

What? Well, he could be an asset to the
force. Officer Bear. Where is this bear

now? Well, the last I saw, he borrowed
my car.

He commandeered my car. You're going to
jail. Give me your firearm.

Uh... Can I offer you a bag of candy,
Chief?

Oh, hey.

I'm Ron Fruits.

And here's a box of Fruit Loops.

You'll find me.

We're on Fruit Loop.

Only one box of Fruit Loop sold per day.
Or as long as it takes for me to get

from one box to the other. Just dial
this toll -free number.

I'll find my way to whatever grocery
store you're at.

Slip my body into a box of cereal that
you can buy.

old man bush ruining the take oh you
think old man bush doesn't know what's

with the what well guess what guys i
don't care okay i do not care because

juvenile is ridiculous you really want
me to be juvenile is that what you want

hold this i'm gonna light my fart on
fire that's right that's cool and hip

you know with it whatever awesome
iphones okay my name's andy and this is

fart

Oh, my God.

Did you just shit yourself? No.

Oh, my God. Someone help me.

Guys, wait. Just hang up. Hang on for a
second.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Mom's up.