All language subtitles for Malcolm.In.The.Middle.S06E12.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

Wow, I remember this,
this is Reese's fifth birthday.

This must be Christmas
the same year.

He grew up so fast.

He sure did.

Here's Malcolm's
first day at school.

Oh...

Remember when we lost Dewey
at the flea market.

Still keeps great time.

You want to go
through the arrest reports?

I'll pour
some more wine.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair ♪

Hal, do you want Raisin Bran
or oatmeal?

Oatmeal.
No, wait-- Raisin Bran.

No, no--

oatmeal.

Oh, but Raisin Bran's
got that crunch.

And those raisins.

But sometimes you get
too many raisins.

You don't have that problem
with oatmeal.

Oh, but oatmeal
can be lumpy.

But sometimes good lumpy.

But not usually.

So definitely it's going to be

Raisin Bran... no, eggs!

You're having Raisin Bran.

-Oh, God, thank you.
-Hal, I don't know why

you have such a hard time
making decisions.

Hal, sweetie,

you have to decide.
For your birthday,

do you want a petting zoo
or a clown?

Both?

[grunting]

[choking]

[honking, squeaking]

Who knows? Probably no reason.

You might as well ask me
why I'm afraid of
clowns and snakes.

Morning, everybody.

Hey, Craig.
Thanks for offering me

-a ride to work today.
That's nice of you.
-My pleasure.

Hey, gee whiz,
you know who I haven't seen

in the longest time? Your boys.

I think I'll just drop in
and say an innocent hello.

Hey, boys, what do you say
the four of us have

a giant tickle party?!

Okay, that was just a cover.

I didn't want
to alarm your parents.

What's going on?

I need you to teach me
how to fight.

There's this jerk
who's always picking on me,

and I'm sick of it.

Why are you asking us?

Because this guy's stronger
and faster than me.

The only chance I've got
is if I fight dirty.

And let's face it, your family
is legendary for that.

Well, people exaggerate...

Please, you've got to teach me
everything you know.

I don't think that's
such a great idea.

I mean, I teach
you some tricks,

you teach them
to someone else,

he teaches them
to another guy

and sooner or later,
I'm in a fair fight.

Sorry, Craig.

What am I supposed to do?

I came to you guys
asking for help

because that's what I thought
friends do for their friends.

Dude, calm down.

I thought we meant
something to each other.

I mean,
after all these years,

after everything I've done
for you...

Craig, stop it.

I can't help it.

[crying]

Okay.

I guess we can teach you
a few moves. Just stop crying.

Really?

I mean,
you're not just saying that?

You'll teach me
how to fight dirty?

[whimpering]

Yeah. But you're gonna have
to fully commit to this.

And you need to know

that once you start
training with us,

you're gonna see the
world differently.

And there's nothing
we can ever do

to restore your innocence.

Thank you so much.

You guys are the best.

You hug me,

and the lesson
starts right now.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, I'm Peter Rubin
from Bernstein,

Wyatt and McCormick.
Are you Hal?

Look, I'll tell you what
I tell all the other lawyers.

Look around.

This skeleton
has been picked clean.

But go ahead, sue away.

Actually,
that's not why I'm here.

I'll leave you
a copy of the will

to go through on your own,
but the bottom line is

that Mr. Edelman has given you

power of attorney.

The family on the corner
with the boat on the lawn?

I barely even knew the man.

Why would he give me
power of attorney?

Well, there are some difficult
family issues involved,

and he wanted someone impartial.

Apparently,
he considers everyone else

in the neighborhood a friend.

So I'm the one
that has to decide

how all his stuff
gets divided?

What? No.

-Oh, thank God.
-No, he's not dead.

He's in a coma
on life support.

You have to decide
whether or not to pull the plug.

What am I going to do?

A man's life is in my hands.

This isn't paper or plastic.

This is life or death.

There's nothing more
life or death

than life or death.

Hal, calm down.
Panicking isn't going to help.

You know,
this is all your fault.

-What?!
-I am completely unprepared
for this.

I've had no practice.

I haven't made a decision
around here in years.

When exactly
did it get to the point

where you make all
the decisions in our marriage?

When you said,
"Lois, I want you

to make all the decisions
in our marriage."

Well, you didn't have
to listen to me.

Oh, I got all this stuff
racing through my mind.

I-I can't eat,
I can't sleep...

Oh, Hal, if you want,
I'll make the decision for you.

No.

I was given this responsibility.

A man entrusted his fate
in my hands.

I can't just shrug that off.

I can do this.

I just need to focus
my mind on the problem
and think clearly.

[inhales and exhales]

Yes.

I've got it.

Lois, I have made the decision.

Want to guess what it is?

-Hal.
-Oh, all right.

I'll keep trying.

Craig, I'd like to welcome you

to the first day of your new,
more vicious life.

I give you...

the human body.

For clarity,

we've divided it into the three
major theaters of operation.

The head.

The torso.

And what are those?

You know what those are.

Now the first thing
you need to know

is that this is all about pride.

-Do you have pride, Craig?
-Yes.

Okay, that is not the answer
I was looking for.

You show me a man with pride,

and I'll show you
a man with limited options.

Let's say that
this is your opponent,
and he's coming after you.

Hey, man, we can work this out.

I didn't know she was your girl.

[grunting]

See? Now he's blind,

and you have the time
to really get creative.

Personally, I like to leave
at least one sense intact

so he knows
what's happening to him.

I knew I came
to the right place.

Okay, Dewey, you're up.

Okay, first,
I'm going to need you

to take off your glasses.

Ow! My eyes!

[crying]
I didn't know we were starting!

There is no starting
in dirty fighting.

Life is one big fight

from the day you're born
to the day you die.

Okay. Maybe we should
slow down a little.

[crying]
Ow!

Time out! Time out!

[crying]

I think we're
wasting our time here.

Let's just kick him in the
kidneys and call it a night.

No! Please!

I know I suck,
but I want to be better.

Please, I'll try harder,
I promise.

Let me try something.

All right, Craig, listen.

I want you to think.

I want you to visualize
every bully

that ever picked on you
or beat you up.

Really see the look

of contempt on their faces

as they pounded on you.

-You got it?
-Mm-hmm.

Now picture
what they were looking at.

Oh.

It's disgusting!

[crazed yelling]

[crazed yelling continues]

[crazed yelling continues]

Is he going
for the plums?

It appears so.

[bat whipping the air,
Craig grunting]

[Craig growling]

Well, he sure won't have
to worry

about the guy's children
coming after him.

[machine beeping rhythmically]
Now, who's going to be
on rounds?

[whispers]
Look at him.

He can't even move,

and still you can see
how much he's suffering.

Lying there,
enduring the pain,

hour after endless hour.

You can see in his face
he's just begging

to be put out
of his misery.

It's awful.

Oh, God, yes.

Look at him.

Look how hard
he's fighting.

Those clenched hands,
the set of his jaw.

It's inspiring to
see such a fierce
will to live.

He really wants
to make it.

It's beautiful.

He's really gonna...

[sniffles]

[indistinct voices,
woman on intercom]

Here's extra pudding if...

[Hal screaming and crying]

Okay, it was
a good plan

having the guy
meet you here.

We've set up a few things to
give you a little edge
if you get in trouble.

There's a broken bottle
in that pile of leaves,

and a can of bug spray
under the Big Wheel.

If it runs out, it still makes
a great blunt object.

Remember, we're
here for you.

Unless it looks like
you're getting a total beating.

Then I may have
to take his side.

Don't worry.

I hate this guy
more than anyone on Earth.

This jerk is going to finally

get what he deserves.

MAN:
Craigy?

Is that you back there?

Hello,

Dad.

[crazed yelling]

[yelling and choking]

For God's sake, son,

you have no upper body
strength at all.

I know girls that could get out
of this hold.

[strained]
Get your foot off my neck
so I can kill you.

Craigy, do you have any idea

how pathetic you look right now?

Do you even care?

Are you so wrapped up
with being

a useless piece of pudge
that you can't even see

how embarrassed
you're making me?

[ choking]

Um, I think he needs to breathe.
[Craig choking]

I'm going to let you up now.

I want you to dust yourself off,
suck in your gut,

and introduce me
to your friends.

I'm not doing anything
you tell me.

I hate you.

And I wasn't even choking.

I was faking it.
[sighs]

Vic Feldspar.

Nice to meet you, boys.

I'm this one's father,
I guess.

Father? Ha!

You pretended not to know me
at the father-son picnic.

Sorry I wasn't
swelling with pride

while I watched you

suck the butter off
other people's corncobs.

You wonder why
I'm so messed up?

It's because
from the day I was born,

I've heard nothing
but four-count Burpees

and constant,
lisping criticism.

Why don't you go back
to San Diego

and all your macho friends?

I'm not leaving

until you seriously
think about my offer.

I don't want
your stupid gymnasiums.

I told you.

Craigy, the people in Chicago

put in a very nice bid.

I can't put them
off anymore.

This is your last chance.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He wants to give you
a string of gymnasiums?

As long as he can get me
back under his thumb.

Actually, I'm giving
them up either way.

It's time for me to retire.

I got a top of the
line Fleetwood RV.

I'm going to drag it across
America with my teeth.

Son, don't be an idiot.

There is still a
chance I can fix you.

I don't care.

I'm not going back with you.

I escaped,
and I'm staying escaped.

Okay, you're
obviously hysterical.

I've got to start
my 30-mile run.

That gives you two hours
and 16 minutes to calm down.

Meet me at Applebee's,

and we'll try to discuss
this like grown-ups.

I'll come, but it'll be

for the great service
and atmosphere,

not for you!

Dad, what are you doing?

I am making
a decision tree.

It is a tool to help you
make difficult decisions.

First, I started out
with two branches,

one for pulling the plug,

the other one for
keeping him alive.

Then I made branches
from those branches

for all the possible outcomes.

I'm getting it all
out of my head

so I can see what
I'm dealing with logically.

"Pulling plug causes feeling
of Godlike power.

Forced to kill again"?

Well, I'm trying
to cover everything.

But now I have gone through
all the possibilities,

and I really think I am
zeroing in on a decision.

All your outcomes
on "pull the plug"

assume that he dies
right away.

Yes, Dewey, that's what
pulling the plug means.

Not necessarily.

He could continue
to live without his respirator,

his body wasting away

while he struggles for breath,

like a fish on a dock
gasping for air,

slowly suffocating over the
course of weeks or even months.

I read about this one...

Thank you, Dewey.

Like I don't get enough

of the know-it-all stuff
from Malcolm.

Here you go, Craig.
I made your favorite;

lemon meringue pie.

I want to thank you people
for your hospitality.

Opening your house up to me

and the living
garbage disposal over here.

It's our pleasure.

I hope you like dinner.

I wasn't sure whether
to make a chicken or a ham.

[scoffs]
Chicken or ham, boy,
that's a tough one.

Chicken or ham.

You're life must
be a living hell.

So, did Craig tell you

how he got honorable mention
for his community gardens?

Sitting on his ass
making food?

Sounds about right.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, yes, Dr. Samson.

Hal, you promised us
a decision a week ago.

The hospital needs this room
for urgent care patients.

Now, we have to either
pull the plug on Mr. Edelman

or move him to a private
intensive care facility.

We have to have
your decision now, right now.

Okay, listen, I'm going
to need your help here.

Just strictly
from an emotionless,

purely medical standpoint,

what should I do?

Pull the plug.
Let him live.

Damn it, Georgie,

you know the chances for
a coma patient waking up
are practically zero.

Practically zero
does not mean zero.

Why the hell
do you give up so easily?

He's shown no activity,
no responsiveness,

no eye movement for
a month-- it's over.

You know as well as I
that patients can be in

a persistent vegetative state
for years

and still recover.

We can argue about
this all day.

We're not going
to get anywhere.

It's up to you.

Just put
an "X" somewhere.

What's wrong with him?

The doctors called it

"hysterical conversion
disorder."

It's psychosomatic.

Apparently, he's paralyzed
from the waist up.

Waist up?

[strained grunting]

Dad, what is it?

[whining]

I think
he's thanking you.

CRAIG:
Dad, what are you doing here?

I told you no
at Applebee's,

no at Malcolm's house

and no all the way home
as you jogged alongside my car.

I wanted to give you something.

What is it?

Used to call that
your unk-unk.

Your mother bought
that for you

the day she found out
she was pregnant.

The only day
I saw her happier

was the day
you were born.

Wow.

I haven't been totally
honest with you, son,

but before I go,
I owe you the truth.

I never made it a secret
how disappointed I am

with the way you turned out.

But what you don't know is

if your mother
was alive today,

she's be just as disappointed.

What?

Opening those gyms
wasn't just my dream,

it was your mother's dream, too.

Fitness was her life,

and it was her dying wish
for you to embrace a life

of health and vitality.

Why didn't you
ever tell me that?

Because I kept thinking
if I pushed you enough,

eventually you'd turn
yourself around.

But apparently to you,

I'm an annoyance,
not an inspiration.

-No, you're...
-It doesn't really matter.

Your mom's in heaven now,

crying at the waste
you made of your life.

I know you don't want

to run those gyms to please me,

but you might want to consider
doing it for your mother.

Do those jumpsuits
come in extra large?

[voice breaking]
I waited all my life
to hear those words.

LOIS:
It's been four days, Hal.

I've tried to be patient,
but this has gone on

long enough.

[toilet flushes]

You've got to snap out of it.

Look, I'll admit
you've been resourceful.

You've learned
to do so many things,

and the sex has been
interesting,

but you can't go on
living like this.

Don't think I don't know

what this is all about, Hal.

You're trying to avoid
making this decision.

This is not going to work.

And frankly, this whole
thing is beneath you.

It's a cowards way out, Hal.

[ brushing sound]

You think I wouldn't like
a paralyzed vacation,

everyone waiting on me
hand and foot?

But you know what?

It doesn't work that way.

You can't make up
ridiculous illnesses

to get out of doing
what you don't want to do.

Oh, for God's sake,

do you have any idea
how insane you're acting?

I'm just glad that your boys
aren't here to see this.

Oh, Hal, you changed Jamie's
diapers with those feet.

[Hal grunting]

Hal?!

Reese, how could you
just leave him in there?

Every time I pulled him out,
Jamie started crying.

[Jamie cries]

Okay, this is
ending right now.

You are going to stop
being paralyzed

and you are going
to make this decision.

I know you think
you can't do this.

I know you're worried
you'll choose wrong,

but Hal, you had
a very hard choice

to make in your life before

and you made not only
a good decision,

you made a brilliant one--

you decided to marry me.

No one thought
it was a good idea.

All your friends thought

you were making
a horrible mistake.

Your parents,
my parents.

They all said I was
a pushy, opinionated
loudmouth,

but you knew
I was perfect for you.

And I am.

It's the best decision
anyone's ever made.

Every day I wake up

grateful or that brilliant,
brilliant decision.

And you can
do it again, Hal.

I know you can.

But with you
it was obvious.

Even so, honey.

VIC:
You better say
your good-byes quickly.

We need to squeeze in
a lake swim

before we head
to the airport.

But...
Ready? Begin.

I'll miss you guys.

Craig, you don't have
to do this.

Let's face it.
I don't have any better options.

[watch beeps]

It's your lunchtime.

That's his lunch?

Every day until
he drops 90 pounds.

These pills here
are my own formula.

It's got three times
the RDA

of the all you basic
vitamins and nutrients.

Sadly, it doesn't
contain any character.

See ya, Craig.

I guess this means

I don't owe you that
50 bucks anymore.

I'll think of you

every time I open
a jar of mayonnaise.

So, um, Vic,

Craig's mom was
a real fitness buff, huh?

Absolutely.
She did a triathlon

the day after giving birth
to Craig.

There was no stopping
that woman.

Really?
No stopping

this woman?!

Give that back.

Mama?

Oh, my God, she's beautiful.

I thought you said
all the photos of her

were destroyed in the
twister that killed her.

What did you want
me to say,

that your mother
ran out on me

with a guy
who owned a pie shop?

That after years

of slaving away
to give that woman everything,

she decided she wasn't
attracted to me anymore?

That I wasn't man enough
for her?

Come on, Craig.

What would that have done
to your self-esteem?

So, my mom is alive?

Oh, great.

So, now this all going
to be about her.

How could you
do this to me?

How could you lie to
me all these years?

I did what I thought
was best for you.

No, you didn't.

You did what you thought
would punish her.

All this time, you
weren't yelling at me,

but at this beautiful,
beautiful woman.

Dad, I'm not
going with you.

My life isn't a mess.

I love my life.

I love my job,
I love my cat,

I love my friends.

I've made something
of myself.

I'm Desk Sergeant at
my Neighborhood Watch,

and a 14th-level elf cleric.

I am not going
to throw that away.

You almost sounded
like a man for a second.

Good-bye, Dad.

You actually have
a pretty good grip there, son.

It's my joystick hand.

Hal, I am so
proud of you

for making
such a great decision.

And such a surprising one.

I thought your only choices
were life or death.

Who would have thought
there was a third option?

People aren't willing
to think outside the box.

See, the answer
was there all the time.

Someone just had to see it.

[chuckles]

Once I found out
he was a bird lover,

well, it all made sense.

And everything
was at Radio Shack?

Everything but the hat.

You know what, Hal?

Your solution
was so brilliant,

would you mind
walking me through it

one more time,
step-by-step,

just so I understand
it completely?

Honey, no,
it was so exhausting.

I don't think
I'll talk about it ever again.

Well, I suppose
it's for the best.

Captioned by Post Haste Digital