Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,873 --> 00:00:06,789
Hal, did you baby-proof
the kitchen like
I asked you to?
2
00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:08,443
I'm doing it right now.
3
00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:15,276
[roaring]
4
00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:21,586
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
5
00:00:21,673 --> 00:00:23,980
♪ I don't know ♪
6
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:27,331
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
7
00:00:27,418 --> 00:00:29,507
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
8
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:31,988
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
9
00:00:32,075 --> 00:00:33,337
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
10
00:00:33,424 --> 00:00:36,471
♪ And you're not so big ♪
11
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:38,951
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
12
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,997
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
13
00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,478
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
14
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:47,134
♪ And you're not so big ♪
15
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:49,658
♪ Life is unfair ♪
16
00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:03,280
This is so boring.
17
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:05,325
It's your fault
for inviting Stevie over.
18
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,458
He can't do anything,
so we can't do anything,
19
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:08,938
and it's always boring and lame.
20
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:11,506
Reese, he's not deaf.
21
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:13,116
I have...
22
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:16,902
my fun.
23
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:19,253
This is exactly
what I'm talking about.
24
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:21,037
This would be fun
if I were looking at it.
25
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:23,735
When you read it,
it's not fun. It's sad.
26
00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:25,824
Now I'm bored and sad.
Thanks a lot, Stevie!
27
00:01:25,911 --> 00:01:27,870
-Reese!
-No. It's horrible.
28
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:29,872
I think it sucks
that he always gets his face
29
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:33,093
rubbed in the fact that he will
never get to enjoy anything.
30
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:37,358
Maybe you'd be happier
if they stuck you
in some kind of special tank.
31
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:38,576
-Whoa. Check this out!
-What?
32
00:01:38,663 --> 00:01:39,577
Street-lugeing!
33
00:01:39,664 --> 00:01:41,623
Look at those pictures!
34
00:01:41,710 --> 00:01:43,103
"Police call it
the most reckless,
35
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:44,408
dangerous teen craze
in years."
36
00:01:44,495 --> 00:01:46,149
It says they look
back with fondness
37
00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:47,542
on the crack epidemic.
38
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,414
We can totally build
a board like that!
39
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:52,895
Except we wouldn't.
40
00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:55,637
Because our parents
wouldn't allow it.
41
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:56,899
So, since we're not doing it,
42
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,118
no one has to say anything.
43
00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:00,163
Yes, this sport seems immature.
44
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,905
And frankly,
I just think it's uncool.
45
00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:05,125
Hey, Stevie, look. Pentominos.
Why were we bored?
46
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:10,955
So, you just bought
a new bed just like that?
47
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:14,177
Hal, we had that smelly,
saggy old one for 20 years.
48
00:02:14,264 --> 00:02:15,352
It's time for a new one.
49
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,398
This one
is certainly bigger.
50
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,356
Yeah. It's king-sized.
They're a little bigger.
51
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,010
So you'll be further away.
52
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,838
I guess.
Maybe a couple inches.
53
00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:24,970
So, is that the reason?
54
00:02:25,057 --> 00:02:27,059
You want there
to be more distance between us?
55
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,974
Hal, I didn't really think
about the size.
56
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,628
It was on sale at Mattress King.
57
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:32,761
I guess you couldn't pass up
a deal like that, huh?
58
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:35,372
It's just interesting
to learn how it starts.
59
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:36,808
How what starts?
60
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,549
Well, first you buy
the king-size bed--
61
00:02:38,636 --> 00:02:39,855
the largest bed made.
62
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,422
But then, of course,
at some point,
63
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:42,684
even the giant bed
doesn't put enough distance
64
00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:45,121
between you
and the hideous monster,
65
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:47,428
so you start sleeping
in another room.
66
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:49,952
Then, soon, we're barely
exchanging pleasantries.
67
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,519
And then, one day, you say,
68
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,869
"Hal, let's just say
what we're both thinking,"
69
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,784
and then I end up eating alone
on a Formica table
70
00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:58,090
under a swinging light bulb
71
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,788
while you're on a beach in Ibiza
72
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:02,443
being rubbed with cocoa butter
by your new lover
73
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,923
who you can never get
too close to!
74
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,577
Hal, it's a bed!
75
00:03:06,664 --> 00:03:09,363
The old one was horrible.
This one is nice.
76
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:14,019
Look, I know this
is a big change for you.
77
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:17,022
So I'm just going to have
to think of some way
78
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:20,635
to make you very,
very happy in this bed.
79
00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:21,897
Good luck!
80
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:30,166
I'm here to snitch.
81
00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,168
Reese and Malcolm are
in the garage.
82
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:34,039
They won't let me in,
but they're building something.
83
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,520
If you want help in the
penalty phase, let me know.
84
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:39,219
Dewey, I am not going to go
in there and have a big fight
with the boys
85
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,959
because you've got
nothing to do.
86
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,526
We have a rule in this family
87
00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:45,442
about what we do
when we're bored.
88
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,664
[crowd cheering]
89
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:51,318
[electric guitar playing]
90
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,711
[sirens wailing]
91
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,235
[man singing opera]
92
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:56,932
[sheep bleating]
93
00:03:57,019 --> 00:04:01,066
[man singing opera aria]
94
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:14,906
[aria continues]
95
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:26,266
[aria ends]
96
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:29,269
I don't care if they are
your skateboard wheels.
97
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,488
We're not putting
a "No Fat Chicks" sticker on it.
98
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:33,098
All right, but it's
still our policy.
99
00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:35,536
What are you crying about?
100
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:37,146
I was just sitting there
101
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:38,887
and this... this opera came on.
102
00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:41,324
People screaming and hating.
103
00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:44,153
It was our family,
but with music!
104
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,982
And they all mixed together
in a counterpoint
105
00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:49,854
that underscored the futility
of their lives!
106
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:53,902
And the stretto showed
the minor key had been hiding
107
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:58,602
in the subdominant
from the very first bar.
108
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:01,126
All I understood was,
"Hit me, Reese.
109
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:03,477
Hit me and never
stop hitting me."
110
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,217
Yeah, well,
that was the gist of it.
111
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,830
The animals in the farm include,
112
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:10,962
but are not limited to,
113
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:15,619
the cow, the horse, the pig,
114
00:05:15,706 --> 00:05:19,144
the chicken, the sheep.
115
00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:20,450
Dewey,
116
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,278
the algebra homework
you gave us,
117
00:05:22,365 --> 00:05:24,062
did you want us
to show our work?
118
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:26,674
Huh? I dunno.
Just a sec.
119
00:05:26,761 --> 00:05:28,937
...the alpaca...
120
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,417
You okay?
121
00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:31,722
Want to wrap your
hand in some tinfoil?
122
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:34,246
I have nothing!
I want to write an opera.
123
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,770
I know I can do it.
124
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:37,467
I have all the music.
125
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,991
I can hear it
in my head.
126
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:42,254
I just don't have a story
to hang it on.
127
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,952
It has to be something
so dramatic
128
00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:45,475
it's like a knife in the heart.
129
00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:47,608
...the peccary, the hog bear...
130
00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:49,827
That's the trouble
with being a kid.
131
00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:52,047
I want a dog.
I don't have a dog.
132
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:54,484
But, ultimately, so what?
133
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:58,140
The sounds produced by said
animals are, respectively:
134
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:01,491
moo, neigh, oink,
135
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:05,930
cluck, gobble, silent.
136
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:10,848
I don't see anyone.
137
00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:12,502
Are you sure this
is the right place?
138
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:13,982
I don't know.
139
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:16,767
It was a pretty reputable
extreme-sport chat room.
140
00:06:29,345 --> 00:06:32,653
Hey, is it cool
if we ride with you?
141
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,785
Why don't you drop dead,
lameass?
142
00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:39,268
All right!
This is gonna be fun!
143
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:45,405
Nope. That's
not gonna happen.
144
00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:47,407
Too steep. Too dangerous.
I might die.
145
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,147
Call me a girl.
I don't care.
146
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,933
You know what?
I'm gonna try it.
147
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:54,457
Are you serious, dude?
It's too steep.
148
00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:56,720
Your face will be like an inch
from the asphalt.
149
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,200
No, I'm pretty sure
I can do this.
150
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,028
Malcolm, seriously.
Think about this.
151
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:02,291
I don't want you killed
or brain-damaged.
152
00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,597
You're my brother and...
153
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:04,685
[gasps]
154
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:07,035
[yells]
155
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:09,690
[screaming]
156
00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:15,043
Hey, this isn't bad.
157
00:07:15,130 --> 00:07:17,959
I'm actually having fun.
Wow.
158
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:20,614
I think I'm gonna turn out
to be a really good luger.
159
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:23,399
The whole "unpopular" thing
will be just a funny story
160
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:24,792
about my days pre-luge.
161
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,750
I bet I'll get my own line
of clothing.
162
00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:27,795
Maybe a girlfriend.
163
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,492
Maybe two.
164
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:32,582
They'd fight over me,
but I'd make them work it out.
165
00:07:39,894 --> 00:07:42,984
Someone owes me
an extreme apology!
166
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,594
Hey!
167
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:46,161
Hey, you! Jerk!
168
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:48,206
You totally
made me crash!
169
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:50,557
Just because you can blow
a lot of money
170
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,297
on some high-end luge
doesn't mean you're not a jerk!
171
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,082
You're just a rich jerk.
172
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:55,431
Jerk!
173
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:30,205
-Aha!
-Hal!
174
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,599
Oh, what a blind fool
I've been!
175
00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:34,426
To think, when you said
you didn't buy this bed
176
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,298
to get away from me,
I believed you!
177
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,299
Oh, Hal, calm down!
178
00:08:38,386 --> 00:08:40,780
It's just that, when you sleep,
you're so hot you radiate heat.
179
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,609
You're like a giant radiator!
180
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:44,828
And, when I sleep,
I need to flop my arms around,
181
00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,874
and I can't do that
if you're on top of me!
182
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:49,441
How long have you found
me hideous?
183
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,878
For God's sakes, this is why
184
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:52,488
I have to lie to you
all the time!
185
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:53,881
Did you ever love me?
186
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,709
Who are you?
[baby crying]
187
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,406
Fair warning, Hal.
188
00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:59,190
If you wake that baby up,
he is yours for the night!
189
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,541
A sale at Mattress King?!
190
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,804
Oh, you must have laughed at me
for swallowing that one!
191
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:05,936
They don't know the meaning
of the word "sale" over there.
192
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,286
Their everyday prices
are guaranteed rock-bottom!
193
00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:10,245
You're just working yourself up
to get your own way.
194
00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:12,116
You always do that, Hal.
What should I do
195
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:14,292
when I know that you
looked me in the face
196
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:17,557
♪ And.... ♪
197
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:20,690
♪ You lied? ♪
198
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,693
♪ Don't be hysterical ♪
199
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,434
♪ You always get hysterical ♪
200
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:26,653
♪ It's called having feelings ♪
201
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,306
♪ You should know ♪
202
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,613
♪ You're an expert
at faking them ♪
203
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,441
♪ At least mine are real ♪
204
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:35,313
♪ Hal, don't make a thing
out of this ♪
205
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,272
♪ What should a man do ♪
206
00:09:37,359 --> 00:09:39,840
♪ When he knows that
he'll never be happy again? ♪
207
00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:41,711
♪ Sing a song? ♪
208
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:46,020
♪ Just get a grip, Hal.
Don't overreact ♪
209
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:48,283
♪ Overreact? I feel horrible ♪
210
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:50,633
♪ I feel lousy! ♪
211
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:54,332
♪ I'm having a stroke--
seriously, Lois-- ♪
212
00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:55,899
♪ It feels just like one ♪
213
00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:57,335
♪ We think it's one, too! ♪
214
00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,555
♪ We're sure it's one, too! ♪
215
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,384
♪ It's a panic attack ♪
216
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:06,431
♪ Like that time
in the laundromat ♪
217
00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:10,131
♪ Breathe into a pillow ♪
218
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,307
♪ Good idea♪
219
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:14,396
♪ A pillow?! ♪
220
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:16,703
♪ How cruel! How callous! ♪
221
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,835
♪ Poor Hal! ♪
222
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,532
♪ This "stroke" is the worst
case of emotional blackmail ♪
223
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,578
♪ She's ever seen! ♪
224
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,754
♪ And... ♪
225
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:28,279
♪ I've seen plenty! ♪
226
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:30,281
♪ Call 911 ♪
227
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:32,327
♪ Tell them a blood vessel
just burst in my brain ♪
228
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,634
♪ Just halfway between
my neck and my nose ♪
229
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:37,854
♪ That's only if you care
If not, feel free ♪
230
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:41,118
♪ To sit by while I die
and watch Leno...! ♪
231
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,685
♪ Blackmail! ♪
♪ Stroke! ♪
232
00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,905
♪ Stroke! ♪
♪ Blackmail! ♪
233
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,342
♪ What a big baby! ♪
234
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:51,738
♪ What a giant stroke! ♪
235
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:06,187
[instrumental music playing]
236
00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:18,808
[woman singing opera aria]
237
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,944
I'm not stopping till
I take that guy down.
238
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:10,468
How much skin is
left on your chest?
239
00:12:10,555 --> 00:12:11,687
Enough.
240
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:13,341
[knocking]
241
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:19,216
You wanted... to see me?
242
00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:20,696
Stevie, brace yourself.
243
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:22,176
I'm going to tell you
a really big secret
244
00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:24,091
about something
so huge that
245
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:25,919
every bone in your body
246
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,922
is going to want to tell,
but you have to promise not to.
247
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,534
This is an actual street luge.
248
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,101
Like from your magazine.
249
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:37,321
Heaven... forbid!
250
00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:39,236
I need you to help me
with some calculations
251
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:40,890
of wheel friction
and frame stiffness
252
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:42,370
to get this thing perfect.
253
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:43,588
I have to beat
this rich jerk
254
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:45,242
who keeps making
me wipe out.
255
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:47,288
I'm going to make
a bet with him,
and race him.
256
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:51,814
You think...
you can beat...
257
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:55,470
this glorious...
alpha male?
258
00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:56,906
It's going to happen
'cause I'm going
259
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,429
to hide in the bushes
260
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,083
and jump out at him
and force him to crash.
261
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:02,303
It may not be the most honest
thing in the world,
262
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:03,521
but you know what?
Who cares?
263
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:04,914
This guy totally deserves it.
264
00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:09,919
I'd hate... to be him.
265
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,313
Hal, get in this bed
and go to sleep!
266
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,444
Oh, I'll sleep, Lois.
267
00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:15,795
I'll sleep where I'm wanted!
268
00:13:32,028 --> 00:13:33,987
♪ Are you coming back to bed ♪
269
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:37,512
♪ Or should I just order
a crib for you? ♪
270
00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:39,427
♪ I'm not coming back ♪
271
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:43,300
♪ I don't like to be
where I'm not wanted ♪
272
00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:47,348
♪ Especially if it's on
a big giant bed ♪
273
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,785
♪ You've been on the couch
for four days ♪
274
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:53,354
♪ I can hold out as long
as you can ♪
275
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,052
♪ I have nothing
to apologize for ♪
276
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:58,098
♪ Why would you? ♪
277
00:13:58,185 --> 00:14:00,796
♪ I bet they were the best
four days of your life... ♪
278
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,842
No! No! No!
279
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,845
You're both holding back
too much.
280
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,108
Glacienda, you
sacrificed your future
281
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:10,153
for a family
that's not even grateful.
282
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,983
You've got all this anger
bubbling up that's ready
to explode!
283
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:15,506
And Don Argento,
284
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,857
you have nothing
in the world but that woman.
285
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,684
You hate your job,
you don't have friends,
286
00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:21,251
and now you're losing her!
287
00:14:21,338 --> 00:14:22,557
Dewey.
288
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:23,906
When it says
"Jamie wets his diaper,"
289
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,212
should I really wet myself?
290
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:27,649
-No.
-But on show night?
291
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,869
If the second act drags.
292
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:32,175
Dewey, the problem
is that these characters
293
00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:33,524
are just treading water.
294
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,135
I mean, it's been four days,
295
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:37,920
and we've done four scenes
with him on the couch.
296
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,922
You're right.
297
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,924
They're just stuck.
298
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:45,754
What if Don Argento solves
his romantic problems
299
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:49,410
with a machete in a tragic,
yet comedic, big bloody mess?
300
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:53,066
Yes, I want to return a mattress
I bought last week
301
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:55,503
in accord with your
30-day return policy.
302
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:57,635
Okay, I'll speak with the king.
303
00:14:57,722 --> 00:15:00,073
You're returning the bed?
That's it?
304
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,901
In what world is that an ending?
305
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:04,338
Your father and I were arguing.
It's just not worth it.
306
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,775
That doesn't seem like
a very satisfying resolution.
307
00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,820
Well, sometimes marriage
is about getting by.
308
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,953
You're not always
satisfied with everything.
309
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,390
Wow.
310
00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:15,349
I can't believe
Dad was so right.
311
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:18,308
He said if he made a big enough
stink, he'd get his way.
312
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,441
Well, it's a good lesson
for me, though.
313
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:21,529
Thanks, Mom.
314
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:26,186
Okay.
315
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:27,535
80 bucks.
316
00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:29,493
Street rules.
Which means no rules.
317
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,539
And don't let yourself
think about what might happen,
318
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:33,410
because you don't
want to get psyched out.
319
00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:35,151
And don't think
about getting psyched out
320
00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:36,761
because you might
get psyched out.
321
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:38,807
People who get psyched out
make mistakes.
322
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,983
Good... advice.
323
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:42,289
What?
324
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:44,247
Go!
325
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:56,956
[gasps]
326
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,261
[screams]
327
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:42,914
[spraying]
328
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:55,405
Oh, my God, Stevie, no!
329
00:17:12,204 --> 00:17:14,685
All right, Hal, I didn't
want to have to say this,
330
00:17:14,771 --> 00:17:16,122
but you've pushed me to it.
331
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,906
What?
332
00:17:17,992 --> 00:17:20,126
There's a reason I bought
a bed that was bigger.
333
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,040
I did want some distance
from you,
334
00:17:22,127 --> 00:17:23,738
but it's not because
335
00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:25,521
I don't love you and I don't
want to be close to you.
336
00:17:25,608 --> 00:17:27,349
I don't understand.
337
00:17:27,436 --> 00:17:29,657
There are certain things that
have to happen with my body
338
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:31,093
at the end of the day.
339
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:33,400
Certain events
that have to... transpire.
340
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,184
And, if they don't transpire,
341
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,099
I end up with stomach cramps,
342
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:40,581
and I don't want it to happen
two inches away from your nose.
343
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:41,973
That's your secret?
344
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,410
I know it's stupid
345
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:45,194
and embarrassing,
and I want to be sexy
346
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:47,501
for you but, after 20 years,
I just have to have a break
347
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,199
from clamping down
and gritting my teeth all night.
348
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:51,635
Oh, honey, I don't
care about that.
349
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:53,637
And it's not a secret.
350
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:55,944
The second you fall asleep,
you let loose like a sailor.
351
00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:57,467
What?
352
00:17:57,554 --> 00:17:59,382
Oh, yeah. It's like
353
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:00,470
when they put the balloons away
after the Thanksgiving parade.
354
00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:04,692
Oh, my God.
I can't hear anything.
355
00:18:04,779 --> 00:18:05,780
You're tunneling out.
356
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:08,652
Honey, honey, relax.
357
00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:10,915
Honey, we're married.
358
00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:14,745
It doesn't matter how
embarrassing something is
359
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:17,792
because no one knows it...
360
00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:19,620
but me.
361
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:24,494
♪ Lois... ♪
362
00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:30,152
♪ Don't be embarrassed ♪
363
00:18:30,239 --> 00:18:33,938
♪ I know... ♪
364
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:40,858
♪ Everything about you ♪
365
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:46,299
♪ I know when you
think you're alone ♪
366
00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:52,043
♪ You have to check
if your ears have grown ♪
367
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:59,138
♪ Every day, before
you go to work ♪
368
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:05,796
♪ You know how I panic ♪
369
00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:11,541
♪ When I see a monkey ♪
370
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:16,285
♪ I've seen you take pizza ♪
371
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:23,118
♪ From the garbage
and eat it ♪
372
00:19:25,076 --> 00:19:27,514
♪ I know all of you ♪
373
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,081
♪ You know all of me ♪
374
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:36,871
♪ But it's only us,
my love ♪
375
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:44,008
♪ No one else knows ♪
376
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:50,493
♪ No one else ♪
377
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:54,454
♪ No one else ♪
378
00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:59,241
♪ No one... ♪
379
00:19:59,328 --> 00:20:04,333
[in high soprano]
♪ Else ♪
380
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,122
I'll return the bed.
381
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,734
Honey, you've fallen asleep
for a week in that bed.
382
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:16,693
They're not gonna
take it back.
383
00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:44,373
There you are. I was looking
all over for you.
384
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:45,896
Boy, I wish I was you.
385
00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:48,464
The worst thing in your life
is taking a nap.
386
00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:59,649
You still... owe me...
387
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:01,738
80 bucks.
388
00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:03,958
Take it out
of my pocket.
389
00:21:17,058 --> 00:21:18,886
Ladies and gentlemen,
390
00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:22,716
we now present
a story of shame, humiliation,
391
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:24,152
and the deep
392
00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:28,243
personal secrets
that lurk within...
393
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,725
"The Marriage Bed."
394
00:21:36,556 --> 00:21:38,514
[keyboard plays]
395
00:21:38,601 --> 00:21:41,169
Wow. Everyone we know is here.
396
00:21:41,256 --> 00:21:45,304
I hope Dewey doesn't
embarrass himself.
397
00:22:21,557 --> 00:22:23,472
Captioned by Post Haste Digital
27135
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof