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1
00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:03,090
[laughing]
2
00:00:03,177 --> 00:00:04,656
Look out for the tickle monster!
3
00:00:04,743 --> 00:00:06,528
He's going to get you.
[car alarm chirps]
4
00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,662
[alarm chirps]
5
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,449
[alarm chirps]
6
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:18,018
[alarm chirps]
7
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,846
[alarm chirps]
8
00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,589
Honey, you can stop
looking for the car keys.
9
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:29,159
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
10
00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:32,031
♪ I don't know ♪
11
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:35,383
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
12
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:37,907
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
13
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:40,083
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
14
00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:41,911
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
15
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:44,609
♪ And you're not so big ♪
16
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:47,003
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
17
00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:49,005
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
18
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:51,051
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
19
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:54,924
♪ And you're not so big ♪
20
00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:58,449
♪ Life is unfair ♪
21
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:03,063
You are going
to be so proud of me.
22
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,586
Why?
23
00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:06,327
I spent the last five
nights in a chat room
24
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,372
reeling in
this creep named Heinrich.
25
00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:10,548
I got his address
and showed up at his house
26
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,681
with a printed transcript
of our conversations.
27
00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:14,422
He calls me "Sugarbuns"
28
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,467
15 times
on nine separate occasions.
29
00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:18,165
-Reese...
-So the guy starts crying,
30
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:19,905
"What about my wife?
What about my kids?
31
00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:21,342
I'll do anything."
32
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,257
Entrapment.
33
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,041
It's not
just for police anymore.
34
00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:26,521
Why do I care about this?
35
00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:28,262
The guy works at the racetrack.
36
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:30,786
He's going to make bets
for us on the horses we pick.
37
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:32,353
Well, the horses you pick.
38
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,485
This is tomorrow's
racing form.
39
00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:35,921
You'll pick the winners
40
00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:37,401
and I'll place the bets--
we split the winnings
41
00:01:37,488 --> 00:01:40,100
50-50, like brothers.
42
00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:41,971
That's kind of nice.
43
00:01:42,058 --> 00:01:43,668
Yeah.
44
00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:45,105
I got to keep
this guy on his toes.
45
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:46,323
Time to leave
a suspicious message
46
00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:47,890
on his answering machine.
47
00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:52,982
Wow, blackmailing a pervert
to facilitate underage gambling.
48
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:55,071
How could this not work out?
49
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,551
It didwork out.
50
00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:57,856
It's been four days and Reese
51
00:01:57,943 --> 00:02:00,032
and I have already won
almost $300.
52
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,730
I can't believe it.
53
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,819
Reese's plans usually end up
with a missing toe or something.
54
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:07,344
Since when... do
you... buy lunch?
55
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:10,869
Oh, well, I've been making
some extra money at work.
56
00:02:10,955 --> 00:02:13,263
There's an incentive
program at work
57
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,439
where we're given bonuses
for finding
58
00:02:15,526 --> 00:02:17,441
inefficiencies
and it's really
59
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:19,313
improved morale at the store.
60
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,228
You know, I actually
enjoy going to work
now that everybody is...
61
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:22,838
Whoa! Jeez,
are you okay?
62
00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:27,625
Trying to finish...
what God started?
63
00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:28,931
I'm sorry,
I didn't see the curb.
64
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:30,150
I was distracted by that...
65
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,853
Ow.
66
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,248
Do you believe this?
67
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:42,510
What happened?
68
00:02:42,597 --> 00:02:43,685
I was half way
through my haircut
69
00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,513
when Troy casually mentioned
70
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,559
that his price had gone up
from $21 to $28.
71
00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:50,866
And he thought I would just
sit there and take it.
72
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,302
Well, I showed him, Hal.
73
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:53,956
I got up and
I walked right out of there.
74
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,176
This is extortion,
pure and simple.
75
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,395
What are you going
to do about...?
76
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:01,616
-Here, even it up.
-What?
77
00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:03,400
I can't walk around like this.
Cut it.
78
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:04,706
No, I couldn't.
79
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,055
Hal, it doesn't
have to look good.
80
00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:07,448
Just hack this side
off. Even it up.
81
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:15,760
Oh, my God.
82
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:17,893
This is beautiful, Hal.
83
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,895
You've never
done this before?
84
00:03:19,982 --> 00:03:22,637
No, I guess I just
have a knack for it.
85
00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:24,726
Lois, I didn't think
it was possible,
86
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:28,033
but you are even more
stunning than ever.
87
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,166
Oh, Hal.
88
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,485
What in the...?
89
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,400
This is my new car.
I bought it.
90
00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:47,966
Now, I know
what you're thinking,
91
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,577
but please just give me
45 seconds to explain
92
00:03:49,664 --> 00:03:51,405
why this is the perfect
car for me
93
00:03:51,492 --> 00:03:53,407
and how it was such
and insanely great deal
94
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:55,147
that I had no choice
but to buy it.
95
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,149
Hey, there's some black gooey
stuff leaking out of it.
96
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,499
I know it looks
fast and dangerous,
97
00:03:58,586 --> 00:03:59,804
but that's a good thing.
98
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,676
Cops will have
their eye on my car,
99
00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,765
so I'll be extra motivated
to drive safe and slow.
100
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,419
It didn't cost much,
so I'll have enough to pay
101
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,768
for the first year's insurance.
102
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,117
Think of all the money
you'll save
103
00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:09,640
from less wear and tear
on your car
104
00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:11,425
since I won't
have to drive it anymore.
105
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:12,774
I can put my finger
through the metal.
106
00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:14,384
Dewey, get out of there!
107
00:04:14,471 --> 00:04:16,081
I'll be able
to work extra shifts
108
00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:17,822
since I won't
have to ride in with you,
109
00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:19,171
which means I'll be bringing
more money into the house.
110
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,869
Oh, and I love it.
111
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:23,915
I know you don't care,
but it just needed to be said.
112
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,613
Malcolm, the fact that
you even want this so bad
113
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,571
should have been your
first clue that this is...
114
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,356
-Lois.
-Hal, he's not...
115
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:32,097
Look, every boy
has to go through this.
116
00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:33,664
It's the only way
they find out
117
00:04:33,751 --> 00:04:35,100
what's important in a car.
118
00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:36,711
Look, let's go.
119
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:38,930
I need to feather your
neckline a little bit.
120
00:04:41,237 --> 00:04:43,413
Where were you?
121
00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:45,154
We were supposed to meet
Heinrich right after lunch
to get our bets in.
122
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,112
Today was totally wasted.
123
00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:48,723
Although he did
buy me a swimsuit.
124
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:50,202
I got a car, Reese.
125
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,726
I finally have a car.
126
00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,118
It's the coolest thing
I've ever seen.
127
00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,424
It's a piece of crap.
128
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,036
Don't listen to him.
129
00:04:58,123 --> 00:04:59,299
You're magnificent.
130
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,522
WOMAN:
Lois, your hair looks beautiful.
131
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:08,133
She's right, Lois.
It's fantastic.
132
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,570
Thank you.
133
00:05:09,657 --> 00:05:10,745
I've been getting
compliments all day.
134
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,486
It looks so much better.
135
00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:14,749
Yeah, I thought you were trapped
in the '70s with that old cut.
136
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:15,750
And your head doesn't look
137
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:17,534
so boxy anymore.
138
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,145
Lois?
139
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:23,105
What did you do to your hair?
I love it.
140
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:24,759
Fred, isn't it fantastic?
141
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:25,586
Mm-hmm.
142
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:26,978
Who's your stylist?
143
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:28,589
-My husband did it.
-Really?
144
00:05:28,676 --> 00:05:29,720
Where's his shop?
145
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,287
He doesn't have one.
146
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,723
I just got the scissors
out of the drawer and,
147
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,508
I don't know,
he just got inspired.
148
00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:36,205
-Amazing.
-Okay, ladies, we're agreed.
149
00:05:36,292 --> 00:05:37,293
Lois looks beautiful.
150
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:38,990
Now, let's get back to work.
151
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:41,645
I got a job to do,
too, honey.
152
00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:44,082
Good evening, Fred.
153
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:47,825
There goes
the soul of this store.
154
00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:49,087
And it keeps your nose
155
00:05:49,174 --> 00:05:50,175
from taking over your face.
156
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:51,873
Yeah, thanks.
157
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:52,743
So I'll see you tonight?
158
00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:54,571
I wouldn't miss it.
159
00:05:57,966 --> 00:05:59,794
Lois, you've got to help me.
160
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,796
What?
I need you to cover
the rest of my shift for me.
161
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,450
Again?
Craig, what's going on?
162
00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:05,843
Paula wants to surprise Fred
for their anniversary.
163
00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:07,976
He's a big golfer,
so she wants to learn how,
164
00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:09,543
so I've been giving her lessons.
165
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,544
You don't know how to golf.
166
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:11,632
True,
167
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,285
but somehow she got the idea
168
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,505
that I only missed the cut
at the Masters by three strokes.
169
00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:17,159
You lied to her?
170
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:19,596
Lois, my job here
is hanging by a thread.
171
00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:21,337
I thought if I could
help the boss's wife
172
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:23,557
surprise him with a game of
golf, they'd end up kissing
173
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,211
on the 18th green, and maybe
I'd be in there somewhere
174
00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:27,822
getting the credit for it.
175
00:06:27,909 --> 00:06:29,606
Or you could just
work hard at your job
176
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:31,042
and then you
wouldn't have to suck up.
177
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,783
Lois, I don't have
time for your fantasies.
178
00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:34,045
I'm in trouble here.
179
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:35,133
The first few lessons
180
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:36,526
we worked on driving the cart,
181
00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:38,702
but now she wants to know
how to swing a club.
182
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,182
I need to take a lesson
183
00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:41,879
so I can bluff my way
through her lesson.
184
00:06:41,966 --> 00:06:43,968
Craig...
Please, Lois.
185
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:45,230
I can't lose this job.
186
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,885
This is the only
true thing on my resume.
187
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:49,583
All right,
but I'm only...
188
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,411
FRED:
Feldspar.
189
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,238
I want all those 50-pound bags
of dog food out on the floor
190
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,588
before I get back
from the warehouse.
191
00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:56,241
I'm on it.
192
00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:57,329
Thanks, Lois.
193
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,639
Sorry I'm late, Hal.
194
00:07:02,726 --> 00:07:04,598
The grocery store was...
195
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:06,643
Hi, Lois.
196
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:08,863
-Hal, what are you doing?
-Just giving Margie a new look.
197
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,342
I had to have him do me.
198
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,343
Your husband's a genius.
199
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,910
And I get to keep the hair.
200
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,695
Now where was I?
Oh, my sister.
201
00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:17,001
Honestly, a beach condo
on her salary.
202
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:18,612
Who is she trying
to impress?
203
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,875
She's just so insecure,
she always has been.
204
00:07:20,962 --> 00:07:21,919
Every year
she sends
205
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,268
a Christmas card
with a picture
206
00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:24,705
of her family
sitting on a sailboat.
207
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:25,662
It's not even theirs.
208
00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:27,272
Uh, Lois.
209
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,579
Do you have to do the
grocery thing in here?
210
00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:33,627
So, they rent that boat
from their horrible neighbors
211
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:35,411
who, P.S.,
don't even know how to sail.
212
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,544
And the husband got that money
for it by very lucrative...
213
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:42,244
[engine turning over]
214
00:07:43,593 --> 00:07:46,074
What is your problem,
you stupid car?
215
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:47,379
You're driving me nuts.
216
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,686
Where... were you?
217
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,949
Oh, Stevie, good.
Here, take this.
218
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:53,821
If it turns over, yank it out.
219
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:57,085
I waited... at the library.
220
00:07:57,172 --> 00:07:58,347
You should have seen her today.
221
00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:00,001
I was at a light and these jerks
222
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:01,785
pulled up next to me
wanting to race.
223
00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:03,613
I hit the gas
and she just flew.
224
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,789
I totally blew the doors off
for four seconds
225
00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:07,487
before she dropped an oil pan.
226
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,227
[engine starting]
227
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:10,794
That's it!
228
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:11,926
Malcolm, we did it.
229
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,929
We won over $250 from...
230
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:17,584
from the good grades program
at school.
231
00:08:17,671 --> 00:08:18,672
Awesome.
232
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,412
That'll pay for this.
233
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:23,503
Isn't it beautiful?
234
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,679
This is for you.
235
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,904
I e-mailed...
my chess move... days ago.
236
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:36,298
Stevie, I don't have
to do everything with you.
237
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,779
Tell you what.
238
00:08:38,866 --> 00:08:40,693
I'll take you for a drive.
That'll...
239
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:42,477
[metallic crunching]
240
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:45,307
[engine dies, metallic clank]
241
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:51,835
What is your problem,
you stupid car?!
242
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,533
You're driving me nuts!
243
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:59,060
[mumbling to himself]
244
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:03,325
So I'm thinking, I feel young,
so why not look young?
245
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,848
So I got the Botox done
246
00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:06,807
to my crow's feet and my
forehead, then I had
247
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,373
my chin done and
my tummy tucked.
248
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:09,636
And I may not
stop there.
249
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:10,637
Work it, girlfriend.
250
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:12,856
Oh, hi, Lois.
251
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,467
Can I talk to you for a minute?
252
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,687
Does your grandmother know
you borrowed her hands?
253
00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:19,471
I went to six different stores
254
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,996
and could not find that
avocado oil you recommended.
255
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,912
Hal, this isn't working for me.
256
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,304
Well, that's because you don't
257
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,915
scrunch and sprits
like I told you to.
258
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:29,394
No, this. Look.
259
00:09:29,481 --> 00:09:30,874
Craig is flaking out on me.
260
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,963
I'm pulling
double shifts for him
261
00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:34,530
and every time I come home,
it's full of people.
262
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,097
I never have any time alone.
263
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:37,402
There is hair
everywhere.
264
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:38,708
And I do not like the way
265
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:40,449
you are standing lately.
266
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:45,149
Lois, these women are walking
out of here with a glow.
267
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:46,629
It's wonderful.
268
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,196
Well, can't you
at least some of the money
269
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,545
you're making
to hire a cleaning lady?
270
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:52,504
I'm not accepting money
for this.
271
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,854
What?!
272
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:55,507
I am transforming
these women, Lois.
273
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,813
I won't soil that with money.
274
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,336
And it's not just the hair.
275
00:09:58,423 --> 00:09:59,947
They confide in me,
276
00:10:00,034 --> 00:10:01,688
they need someone
to listen to their problems.
277
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:02,906
You wouldn't believe
what some of
278
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:04,168
these women
are going through.
279
00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:05,692
Nancy, she's getting audited.
280
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,345
Margie's husband
has a gambling problem,
281
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:10,218
and Paula in there,
she is having an affair.
282
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:11,523
What?
283
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,308
Yes, for the last
five months.
284
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:16,180
It's some guy she's pretending
to take golf lessons with.
285
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:25,233
Why do you
keep doing this to me?
286
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:31,761
I fix your throttle leakage
and your alternator dies.
287
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:34,895
I buy you a new alternator
and your water pump explodes.
288
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,548
Every time
I think I'm getting close,
289
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,855
you find a new way to hurt me.
290
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,031
Hey, thanks for
placing that bet today.
291
00:10:41,118 --> 00:10:42,467
I tried to get out
of detention,
292
00:10:42,554 --> 00:10:43,860
but none of the fire
alarms are working.
293
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,035
Where's the money?
294
00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:47,342
-I never made the bet.
-What?
295
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:49,779
I didn't make the bet. I spent
the money on something else.
296
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,651
A car bra!
297
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:55,132
What? You had $200.
298
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,352
That horse came in
at five to two.
299
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:58,658
I don't know
what that is,
300
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:00,050
but I'm supposed
to get half of it.
301
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:01,748
Sorry, man.
But look how hot she looks.
302
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,880
Malcolm,
you got to calm down.
303
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,534
This car is messing you up.
304
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,231
This car is not messing me up.
305
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:09,364
It's made me happier
than I've ever been in my life.
306
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:13,629
[grunting]
307
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,893
Oh, Lois, thank God.
308
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,287
Fred asked me to scrub
out the Dumpsters tonight,
309
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,984
but Paula wants to work
on her short iron,
310
00:11:21,071 --> 00:11:22,246
so I had to schedule
an emergency lesson
311
00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:23,770
with the golf pro.
312
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,685
The guy charges,
like, 90 bucks an hour
313
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:27,077
and it's really eating
away at my savings,
314
00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:28,557
but I guess I have no
one to blame but myself--
315
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:30,037
and, oh, my God, you
know about the affair.
316
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,125
Damn it!
317
00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:32,387
Damn it!
318
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:33,388
You do know, right?
319
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:34,215
Yes, I know.
320
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:35,695
Damn it!
321
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,522
Craig, how could
you lie to me
322
00:11:37,609 --> 00:11:38,959
after all I've
done for you?
323
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:40,569
I let you sleep
on our floor
324
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:42,614
when you though your cat's ghost
was trying to kill you.
325
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,007
I settled that feud
326
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:44,965
between you and the
Girl Scout troop.
327
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,009
They started it.
328
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,358
Shut up!
329
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,360
I do all this
and you repay me
330
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,493
by making me drag around
50-pound sacks of dog food
331
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,234
so you can sleep
with the boss's wife?
332
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:54,714
That's inexcusable!
333
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,846
I didn't plan this.
It just happened.
334
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,456
One night after inventory,
335
00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:00,067
we stopped in the
parking lot to talk.
336
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,633
I bent down
to pick up her keys,
337
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:02,939
the next thing I know,
338
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,462
she's got me
handcuffed in a shower
339
00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:06,508
in a motel
out by the airport.
340
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,510
She's crazy, Lois.
341
00:12:08,597 --> 00:12:10,120
But she makes me crazy, too.
342
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:11,643
-Craig...
-I'm not kidding.
343
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,645
There is a dark, scary place
inside of me
344
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,299
that I didn't even know
was there,
345
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:16,736
but Paula knew it was there,
346
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,346
and every night
she takes me to that scary place
347
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:20,000
and shows me some new,
348
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:22,219
terrible, delicious
corner of it.
349
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,221
You're not going
to rat on me, are you?
350
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:27,007
No, but you have
to end this today.
351
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:28,922
I can't, Lois.
I'm addicted.
352
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,315
I don't even know
who I am anymore!
353
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:33,665
I know I've let you down,
354
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,189
but I want to thank you
for helping me anyway.
355
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:36,581
Craig, I never said I...
356
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:38,148
If that homeless guy
is still in the dumpster,
357
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:39,410
just let him drink
from the hose.
358
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:40,672
He'll leave you alone.
359
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:45,155
Stupid car.
360
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:46,417
That's four coats.
361
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,071
Now will you run?!
362
00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:49,464
Malcolm, your leopard-skin
seat covers are here.
363
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,508
Sweet.
364
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,772
I can't wait to see you in them.
365
00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:58,995
What's going on?
366
00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:01,084
Malcolm, this is Mike.
367
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:02,694
He's from AAA.
368
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,131
You're in a safe place
369
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:06,046
with people who care about you.
370
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,221
Sit down, son.
371
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:11,007
What's all this about?
372
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:13,705
Stevie and Reese
have something to say
373
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,056
and I think you
should listen.
374
00:13:16,143 --> 00:13:19,755
You've abandoned...
your friends.
375
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,757
You didn't
376
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:25,500
even notice my
new... deck shoes.
377
00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,154
Stevie, I've just
been busy, okay?
378
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,243
Your car
is ruining everything.
379
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:31,201
It's even affecting
our illegal gambling.
380
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:32,637
I tried to pick
a winner myself,
381
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,074
but since I'm an idiot,
382
00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:36,728
I picked one that came in
at over 600-to-one.
383
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,384
I won $11,500
that I can't even touch
384
00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:42,256
because I'd have
to fill out a tax form!
385
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:45,476
$11,500 that's just sitting
there tormenting me
386
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:46,738
because of that stupid car!
387
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,871
Stop calling it stupid!
388
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,264
That car isn't stupid.
389
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:51,874
That car is great.
390
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,484
It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
391
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,530
Really? Where'd you get
that shiner?
392
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:58,098
That was my fault.
I wasn't being careful enough.
393
00:13:58,185 --> 00:13:59,708
Malcolm,
394
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:01,579
we're here to help,
395
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,668
but the first step
is for you to admit
396
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,061
that you have a problem.
397
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:07,411
I did.
That's why I'm in AAA.
398
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:09,022
There's thousands of us,
Malcolm,
399
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,154
and we all know
what you're going through.
400
00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:16,725
Wow.
401
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:19,423
I guess I didn't realize
how bad things had gotten.
402
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:21,773
I think I need to take
403
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,950
a good long look at every...
404
00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:30,173
[engine starting]
405
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:32,175
Oh, yeah.
406
00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:33,307
Oh, that's it.
407
00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:43,143
I didn't get...
to read... my poem.
408
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,494
And then when
Martha left the room,
409
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:49,323
Tina checked the price tag
on the leather coat--
410
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:50,802
factory outlet.
411
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,108
[chuckles]
412
00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:53,414
Temperature good for you?
413
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:58,593
Perfect. As was
the scalp massage.
414
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,465
So all you have to do
is cash in the ticket for me,
415
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:04,729
give me the $11,000,
and you can keep $500.
416
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,035
Deal.
417
00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:07,776
Thanks, man.
418
00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:10,039
Well, I think it's important
you have an adult you can trust.
419
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,697
This car is a tease.
420
00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:18,091
Yesterday, she gave me
the ride of my life.
421
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:21,050
Her bra flew off
before I even hit the freeway.
422
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:22,922
I was so happy!
423
00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:26,229
And today, she won't even start.
424
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,796
It's like yesterday
didn't even happen.
425
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:30,277
I can't take this anymore!
426
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,061
Please start!
427
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:34,324
Please, I'm begging you!
428
00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:37,545
Just give me a little
something, please?!
429
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:39,112
[engine starts]
430
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,853
Oh, thank you so much!
I knew you'd come back.
431
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,204
We're meant to be together.
Don't you see?
432
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:20,980
Help!
433
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,285
Somebody help me!
434
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:23,895
I'm stuck!
435
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,767
Help!
436
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,116
There's a bit of a wait.
437
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,726
We got slammed
with a wedding party
438
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:30,163
and we're way behind.
439
00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:36,691
Ah, The Human Volcano.
440
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,388
One of my favorites.
441
00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:40,390
Oh, it's so much better now
that he can read minds.
442
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:41,739
Exactly.
443
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:43,306
He used to just have
heat grip.
444
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:44,699
How lame was that?
445
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,096
You allergic to nuts?
446
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:51,575
No.
447
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:52,881
All right.
448
00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:59,105
What are you studying in school?
449
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,237
Regular stuff, I guess.
450
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:02,673
I don't really like school.
451
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,240
Everybody makes fun of me.
452
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:06,068
Yeah, I remember those days.
453
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:07,809
Kids can be so cruel.
454
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,290
The smart kids, the loners,
455
00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:11,813
they were the meanest.
456
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,554
The worst is gym class.
457
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:16,078
My own team throws the
ball at me in dodgeball.
458
00:17:17,426 --> 00:17:20,082
Hey, you know how
you can get out of gym?
459
00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:21,387
Pretend to have asthma.
460
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,954
All you need
is a fake inhaler.
461
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:24,347
Here, take mine.
462
00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:26,306
It also gets me
good seats on the bus.
463
00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:27,829
Don't worry.
Things are going
464
00:17:27,915 --> 00:17:29,918
to be better for you
from here on out.
465
00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:31,702
My dad tells me the same thing.
466
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:33,574
Well, your dad's a smart man.
467
00:17:33,661 --> 00:17:35,793
Frank, your new haircut
looks great.
468
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,100
Let me just get my purse
and I'll drive you back home
to your parents.
469
00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:41,190
Craig, you know Frank's parents,
Fred and Paula.
470
00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:43,975
Remember, Fred is our boss
at Lucky Aide?
471
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,109
And I believe you're giving
golf lessons to his mom.
472
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:48,458
Let's go, Frank.
473
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,156
And I promise
I'll drive very safely
474
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,896
so we don't have an accident.
475
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:54,682
I wouldn't want to ruin your
life with my carelessness.
476
00:17:57,641 --> 00:18:00,427
[coughing]
477
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:04,126
I'm not going to make it.
478
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:05,606
Stevie was right about this car.
479
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:07,695
[coughs]
480
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:10,654
And so was Reese.
481
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:14,441
He was right about the car
and the horse racing.
482
00:18:14,528 --> 00:18:17,879
[coughs]
483
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:20,142
That makes it easier.
484
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:25,060
I don't... want to live
in a world...
485
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:26,757
where Reese is right.
486
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,156
You really have to
snap those sheets
487
00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:35,766
if you want to get
the hair off.
488
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:37,420
Come on. Throw your
fanny into it.
489
00:18:37,507 --> 00:18:39,074
Dad, seriously, you got to stop
talking like that.
490
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:40,771
Oh, I'm sorry.
491
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:43,905
It's just so draining
listening to all these people
492
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,341
with their tawdry
little secrets.
493
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:47,038
Like that Paula woman,
Fred's wife?
494
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,605
Not only is she cheating
on her husband,
495
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,738
now she's two-timing
on her golf instructor
496
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,131
with her swing-dance teacher.
497
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:54,872
She is learning
new moves every night,
498
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,222
if you know
what I'm talking about.
499
00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:57,875
She is so cold.
500
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:00,878
Hey!
501
00:19:00,965 --> 00:19:02,576
Stevie, please, we're talking.
502
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:05,274
And Sheila's husband Randy
just got a new assistant.
503
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,667
She's 19 years old
504
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,234
and she doesn't even
know how to type.
505
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:10,236
The girl wears
a halter top to the office.
506
00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:11,846
Halter tops?
507
00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:13,369
Hello? Dukes of Hazzard
on line three.
508
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,718
They want their costumes back.
509
00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:20,246
[coughing]
510
00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:23,510
Malcolm?
Malcolm, are you all right?
511
00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:24,946
What happened?
512
00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:26,252
It's okay. It's okay, son.
513
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,078
You'll be fine.
Just breathe deep.
514
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,255
[gasping]
515
00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:30,821
Stevie...
516
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:34,564
...you saved my life.
517
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,653
I treated you like dirt.
You saved my life.
518
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:39,003
[coughing]
519
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:41,876
Your wheel's kinda
on my crotch.
520
00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:44,574
Is it?
521
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:47,142
I can get off early.
522
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,404
Can't you cancel
your lesson?
523
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:50,014
I wish I could,
524
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,321
but we're working
on the Texas Two-Step tonight.
525
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,280
We never see each other
anymore.
526
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:57,370
Lois, I see you more
than I see my wife these days.
527
00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:59,894
Oh, Fred, things have a way
of changing for the better.
528
00:19:59,981 --> 00:20:01,417
You'll see.
529
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:02,810
CRAIG [over P.A.]: Attention, Lucky Aide shoppers:
530
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,812
My name is Craig Feldspar
531
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:07,380
and I have a message
for Paula Lynch.
532
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:10,165
[sobbing] Paula, I can't go on like this.
533
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:14,343
I'm going to do the right thing
and make you my wife.
534
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:18,652
I just bought an $11,500
engagement ring
535
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,393
which I hope you'll accept.
536
00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:25,267
You're cheating on me
with Craig Feldspar?!
537
00:20:28,357 --> 00:20:31,099
I think we're both victims
here, Fred.
538
00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:33,797
I'm going to go...
something that way.
539
00:20:35,625 --> 00:20:36,974
Sure, it won't be easy for us,
540
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,150
but the path of true love
never did run smooth.
541
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,630
We'll move in
with my grandmother
542
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:41,849
and care for her together.
543
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:44,852
Well, they're about
to tow her away.
544
00:20:44,939 --> 00:20:46,288
You want to come
say good-bye?
545
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:48,203
No.
546
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,249
I know it's tough, son.
547
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,207
I thought I'd never get over
my first car.
548
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:57,038
'64 Plymouth Fury who couldn't
keep her top on.
549
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:59,388
Then some guy
stole her from me.
550
00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:02,217
I saw her a few months later
with a new driver
551
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:05,873
and a different paint job,
but she meant nothing to me.
552
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,222
I had moved on.
553
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,529
And so will you.
554
00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:11,966
Are you cutting my hair?
555
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:13,315
No.
556
00:21:51,266 --> 00:21:53,224
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