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1
00:00:02,450 --> 00:00:05,246
Hal, you've been out here
for six hours.
2
00:00:05,281 --> 00:00:07,041
That's all you're
throwing away?
3
00:00:07,076 --> 00:00:08,767
No. This is my "maybe" pile.
4
00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:11,218
Look, I want to able to fit
the van in the garage.
5
00:00:11,252 --> 00:00:13,254
That's the whole point
of having a garage!
6
00:00:13,289 --> 00:00:15,705
You don't realize
how complicated this is.
7
00:00:15,739 --> 00:00:17,672
Hal.
Lois, I promise you.
8
00:00:17,707 --> 00:00:19,778
The van will fit
in the garage!
9
00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:39,901
I think you owe
me an apology.
10
00:00:39,936 --> 00:00:43,457
♪ Yes, no, maybe
11
00:00:43,491 --> 00:00:45,976
♪ I don't know
12
00:00:46,011 --> 00:00:49,221
♪ Can you repeat the question?
13
00:00:49,256 --> 00:00:51,499
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
14
00:00:51,534 --> 00:00:53,881
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
15
00:00:53,915 --> 00:00:56,332
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
16
00:00:56,366 --> 00:00:58,368
♪ And you're not so big
17
00:00:58,403 --> 00:01:00,888
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
18
00:01:00,922 --> 00:01:02,890
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
19
00:01:02,924 --> 00:01:05,410
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
20
00:01:05,444 --> 00:01:08,171
♪ And you're not so big
21
00:01:08,206 --> 00:01:12,727
♪ Life is unfair.
22
00:01:17,353 --> 00:01:19,700
Francis is home visiting
with his wife, Piama.
23
00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:20,908
It's been so nice around here
since they came.
24
00:01:20,942 --> 00:01:23,048
Good dinner, Mom.
25
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,567
Please. It's completely
overcooked.
26
00:01:24,601 --> 00:01:26,707
You must really be hurting
for some decent cooking.
27
00:01:29,192 --> 00:01:31,470
See? Mom's so busy
being mean to Piama,
28
00:01:31,505 --> 00:01:33,093
she doesn't even notice us.
29
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,336
We've been getting away
with murder.
30
00:01:35,371 --> 00:01:36,544
[phone rings]
31
00:01:36,579 --> 00:01:38,098
Hello?
32
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,065
Uh, hi, Claire.
33
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,171
[whispering]:
It's my sister!
Oh, God.
34
00:01:42,205 --> 00:01:43,379
I'm gonna hang up on her.
35
00:01:43,413 --> 00:01:45,243
No, Hal. Find out
what she wants.
36
00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:47,245
So what's up?
37
00:01:47,279 --> 00:01:48,763
Uh-huh.
38
00:01:48,798 --> 00:01:50,731
Family reunion this weekend
for my Dad's birthday.
39
00:01:50,765 --> 00:01:53,147
I'm sorry, Claire,
but I'm having foot surgery,
40
00:01:53,182 --> 00:01:54,631
so we'll have to pass.
41
00:01:54,666 --> 00:01:57,600
No, Hal, it's been too long
already, we should go.
42
00:01:57,634 --> 00:01:59,015
But you know what,
my foot feels fine now.
43
00:01:59,049 --> 00:02:00,879
So, I'm going to cancel
that surgery
44
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,398
and we'll see you Saturday.Wait a minute.
45
00:02:02,432 --> 00:02:04,365
They're inviting us
only two days before
46
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,746
we have to be there?
Forget it, Hal.
47
00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:07,023
They don't want us there.
48
00:02:07,057 --> 00:02:09,232
But you can never be
too careful with feet.
49
00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:11,476
Which is exactly
why we should go.
50
00:02:11,510 --> 00:02:12,580
What am I thinking?
51
00:02:12,615 --> 00:02:14,203
I've already had foot surgery.
52
00:02:14,237 --> 00:02:15,963
Okay, so we'll see you Saturday.
53
00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:21,071
So what's Grandpa like?
54
00:02:21,106 --> 00:02:23,281
He's okay, but the
rest of Dad's family
55
00:02:23,315 --> 00:02:25,386
treat Mom like crap;
they're jerks.
56
00:02:25,421 --> 00:02:28,113
Rich jerks, and Grandpa's
the richest of them all.
57
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,942
And he loves kids;
just say and do
58
00:02:29,977 --> 00:02:32,290
what I tell you,
and we'll be set for life.
59
00:02:32,324 --> 00:02:34,671
You're nuts.Look, it's too late
for you and me,
60
00:02:34,706 --> 00:02:36,225
but Dewey's still young
and adorable.
61
00:02:36,259 --> 00:02:38,572
Although we do have
a narrow window to work with.
62
00:02:38,606 --> 00:02:40,677
In a year, you're gonna
look like a freak.
63
00:02:40,712 --> 00:02:42,162
Sorry it's so cramped, Piama.
64
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,302
This van really isn't designed
to carry seven people.
65
00:02:44,336 --> 00:02:46,752
Oh. I guess I was thrown off
by the seven seats
66
00:02:46,787 --> 00:02:48,340
and the seven seat belts.
67
00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:50,100
Uh, Francis, how's that
ranch job treating you?
68
00:02:50,135 --> 00:02:52,137
Oh, great.
Never a dull moment.
69
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:55,382
In fact, last week I got
to castrate a bull calf.
70
00:02:55,416 --> 00:02:56,693
What does castrate mean?
71
00:02:56,728 --> 00:02:58,039
Ask your mother.
72
00:02:58,074 --> 00:03:00,249
You know, I have
always wanted to know
73
00:03:00,283 --> 00:03:01,905
how to castrate
a bull calf.
74
00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:03,079
Tell me about it.
75
00:03:03,113 --> 00:03:04,494
Well, it's
fascinating stuff.
76
00:03:04,529 --> 00:03:06,151
We use this tool
called a burdizzo--
77
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,808
it looks like
a giant pair of pliers--
78
00:03:07,842 --> 00:03:09,223
and the calf has
to be restrained
79
00:03:09,258 --> 00:03:10,776
so that it
doesn't kick...
80
00:03:10,811 --> 00:03:13,607
...so once you cut off
their blood supply,
81
00:03:13,641 --> 00:03:16,817
they shrivel up and are
replaced by fat tissue.
82
00:03:16,851 --> 00:03:19,129
What a great story, Francis.
83
00:03:19,164 --> 00:03:23,203
It really made the last hour
and a half fly by.
84
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,652
[sighs]
85
00:03:25,377 --> 00:03:26,999
Here come the clones.
86
00:03:27,034 --> 00:03:28,691
Hal, be nice.
87
00:03:28,725 --> 00:03:31,797
Hey, there's my kid brother!
88
00:03:31,832 --> 00:03:33,696
Hi, Claire. Hello, Tom.
89
00:03:33,730 --> 00:03:35,801
Hal, that shirt
looks fabulous on you.
90
00:03:35,836 --> 00:03:37,562
Honey, isn't he
looking handsome?
91
00:03:37,596 --> 00:03:38,632
[whistles]
92
00:03:38,666 --> 00:03:39,736
He certainly is.
93
00:03:39,771 --> 00:03:41,669
[coldly]:
Lois.
94
00:03:41,704 --> 00:03:43,568
[car horn plays tune]
95
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:46,571
Hey!
96
00:03:46,605 --> 00:03:47,848
Who's this?
Your cousin Pete.
97
00:03:47,882 --> 00:03:49,781
Pete-O!
98
00:03:49,815 --> 00:03:51,231
What's this?
99
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,405
Your dad's birthday present;
we all chipped in.
100
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,236
We?
We're going to
chip in, too.
101
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,617
Oh, don't worry,
we'll put your name on the card.
102
00:03:58,652 --> 00:04:00,274
Eh, come on.
103
00:04:00,309 --> 00:04:01,551
Let's get you inside.
104
00:04:01,586 --> 00:04:03,726
You must be worn out
from that drive.
105
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,314
Actually, it
wasn't so bad.
106
00:04:05,348 --> 00:04:08,317
Nonsense. Look at those
sweat stains on Lois.
107
00:04:17,809 --> 00:04:19,535
Wow.
108
00:04:19,569 --> 00:04:22,019
It figures this is the side
of the family we never see.
109
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,988
Meanwhile, the grandma who
goes shopping in her bra
110
00:04:25,023 --> 00:04:26,404
visits five times a year.
111
00:04:26,438 --> 00:04:27,543
We can leave right now.
112
00:04:27,577 --> 00:04:29,130
Just get in the car
and drive.
113
00:04:29,165 --> 00:04:31,409
Sandusky Caverns is just
40 minutes from here.
114
00:04:31,443 --> 00:04:33,376
Hal, relax.
We can do this.
115
00:04:33,411 --> 00:04:34,722
I can't help it.
116
00:04:34,757 --> 00:04:36,068
I work myself into knots
117
00:04:36,103 --> 00:04:37,380
whenever I have to face
the grand patriarch.
118
00:04:37,415 --> 00:04:38,968
Hi, Dad!
119
00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:42,385
Hal, you made it!
120
00:04:43,766 --> 00:04:46,078
Anybody help an old man
out of the pool?
121
00:04:46,113 --> 00:04:47,908
I got you, Grandpa.
122
00:04:51,152 --> 00:04:52,775
Aah, right.
123
00:04:54,259 --> 00:04:56,296
[relatives cheer and applaud]
124
00:04:58,159 --> 00:04:59,954
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.
125
00:04:59,989 --> 00:05:01,956
What do you think
that guy's for?
126
00:05:01,991 --> 00:05:03,303
His name is Francis.
127
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,891
If you kill him, you
don't get another one.
128
00:05:06,789 --> 00:05:08,584
[kids clamoring]
129
00:05:08,618 --> 00:05:10,793
[Francis screaming]
130
00:05:12,484 --> 00:05:15,004
Welcome one and all!
131
00:05:15,038 --> 00:05:16,005
Hey.
132
00:05:16,039 --> 00:05:17,455
[laughing]
133
00:05:17,489 --> 00:05:19,388
Lois.
134
00:05:19,422 --> 00:05:21,044
Dewey!
135
00:05:21,079 --> 00:05:22,218
Goodness, you've grown!
136
00:05:22,252 --> 00:05:24,324
I bet you don't
even remember me.
137
00:05:25,497 --> 00:05:27,154
Yes, I do.
138
00:05:27,188 --> 00:05:29,432
You thang to me
when I wath thweeping.
139
00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:31,365
You remember that?!
140
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,298
Why, that's adorable!
141
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,024
So good to see you, Dad.
142
00:05:35,058 --> 00:05:38,165
I have to admit, I was a little
nervous about coming back here
143
00:05:38,199 --> 00:05:39,477
after so much time had gone by.
144
00:05:39,511 --> 00:05:40,754
I was expecting...
145
00:05:40,788 --> 00:05:42,134
Expecting car trouble?
146
00:05:42,169 --> 00:05:44,378
Because it looks like
you packed a spare tire!
147
00:05:44,413 --> 00:05:47,416
[cackling]
148
00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,003
Ah, Malcolm!
149
00:05:49,038 --> 00:05:51,834
I understand they finally
figured out you're a genius.
150
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:54,112
What's your favorite subject
in school?
151
00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:55,285
I don't know. History.
152
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,528
History, is it?
153
00:05:56,563 --> 00:05:59,289
What do you think
about the Civil War?
154
00:05:59,324 --> 00:06:01,257
I guess it's kind
of interesting.
155
00:06:01,291 --> 00:06:03,639
Ooh. Have I got something
to show you!
156
00:06:03,673 --> 00:06:05,330
There you two are!LOIS: Hi, Amelia.
157
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,402
This reunion is going
to be the death of me.
158
00:06:08,437 --> 00:06:09,507
Feeding this many
people every day.
159
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:11,163
Keeping track
of all the kids.
160
00:06:11,198 --> 00:06:13,614
I swear I had to run the croquet
tournament on Thursday
161
00:06:13,649 --> 00:06:14,857
all by myself.
162
00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:16,479
Tomorrow we've got
a pancake breakfast,
163
00:06:16,514 --> 00:06:18,688
a family photo
at 3:00, a birthday
dinner at 5:00
164
00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:21,242
and gifts at 6:00,
all with no one to
take charge but me.
165
00:06:21,277 --> 00:06:22,692
This is what
General Schwarzkopf
166
00:06:22,727 --> 00:06:25,695
must have felt like
during Desert Storm!
167
00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:30,942
Lois, no one else is
wearing a name tag.
168
00:06:31,943 --> 00:06:34,704
Hal, it's fine.
169
00:06:34,739 --> 00:06:38,225
Hey, untie his hands
and give him his pants back!
170
00:06:38,259 --> 00:06:41,124
You're the only grandkid
I've let in here.
171
00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:44,576
These are my most
precious possessions.
172
00:06:44,611 --> 00:06:45,853
Cool.
173
00:06:45,888 --> 00:06:47,441
Oh, never mind that stuff.
174
00:06:47,476 --> 00:06:50,513
You don't want to waste your
time with a bunch of guns.
175
00:06:50,548 --> 00:06:53,482
Take a look at this
quartermasters' ledger books.
176
00:06:53,516 --> 00:06:56,554
This is where the war
was really won.
177
00:06:56,588 --> 00:06:58,210
Take a look at this.
178
00:06:58,245 --> 00:07:00,627
Notice anything?
179
00:07:01,973 --> 00:07:04,354
Oh, yeah. The numbers
don't add up here.
Ah.
180
00:07:04,389 --> 00:07:05,528
What?
181
00:07:05,563 --> 00:07:06,909
In that column.
182
00:07:06,943 --> 00:07:09,049
The numbers add up to 1,286
183
00:07:09,083 --> 00:07:11,258
but the total at the bottom
says 1,179.
184
00:07:11,292 --> 00:07:15,262
I was just hoping you'd notice
how the S's look like F's
185
00:07:15,296 --> 00:07:16,884
but this is incredible.
186
00:07:16,919 --> 00:07:20,440
I think this quartermaster
was skimming rifles.
187
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,649
This is the kind of thing
that gets your name
188
00:07:22,683 --> 00:07:24,236
in the Civil War Quarterly.
189
00:07:24,271 --> 00:07:26,031
Good job, Malcolm!
190
00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:29,690
[grunting]:
Let's see what else
this guy was up to!
191
00:07:29,725 --> 00:07:31,658
[grunts]
192
00:07:31,692 --> 00:07:34,281
I would never be
massaged by a woman.
193
00:07:34,315 --> 00:07:36,317
I mean, you need
that strength.
194
00:07:36,352 --> 00:07:38,009
When my body's in need,
195
00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:41,046
I want a man to
really get in there.
196
00:07:41,081 --> 00:07:43,739
FRANCIS:
Okay, just one more lap.
197
00:07:43,773 --> 00:07:45,050
[laughter]
198
00:07:45,085 --> 00:07:46,604
[Francis grunting]
199
00:07:46,638 --> 00:07:49,607
Boy, those kids have really
taken a shine to Francis.
200
00:07:49,641 --> 00:07:51,988
He's not ready
for kids, Piama;
don't rush him.
201
00:07:52,023 --> 00:07:53,162
More cake, Lois?
202
00:07:53,196 --> 00:07:54,404
Oh, no, thank you.
203
00:07:54,439 --> 00:07:55,889
Ah, don't be shy.
204
00:07:55,923 --> 00:07:57,822
I saw the way you scarfed
down your first piece.
205
00:07:57,856 --> 00:08:00,687
Oh, I'm sorry, you're probably
on a diet, aren't you?
206
00:08:05,001 --> 00:08:06,762
Dad?
207
00:08:06,796 --> 00:08:08,453
Have you seen the cookies?
208
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,179
We have to talk.
209
00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:11,387
It's about Lois.
210
00:08:11,421 --> 00:08:13,423
Ever since we got here,
211
00:08:13,458 --> 00:08:16,012
the family's taken
every opportunity to...
212
00:08:16,047 --> 00:08:17,082
[snickers]
213
00:08:17,117 --> 00:08:18,912
Dad, don't do the face.
214
00:08:18,946 --> 00:08:19,878
What face?
215
00:08:19,913 --> 00:08:21,397
No, you know the face!
216
00:08:21,431 --> 00:08:23,019
Don't do that, I'm serious.
217
00:08:23,054 --> 00:08:25,505
[goofy voice]:
Oh. Can I do the voice?
218
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,576
[cracking up]
219
00:08:27,610 --> 00:08:28,956
Dad, I'm not kidding.
220
00:08:28,991 --> 00:08:31,959
[goofy voice]:
Then why are you laughing?
221
00:08:31,994 --> 00:08:33,340
Dad!
222
00:08:33,374 --> 00:08:35,653
Nothing funny heeere.
223
00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:38,068
No, sireeeeee!
224
00:08:38,102 --> 00:08:39,864
[humming]
225
00:08:39,898 --> 00:08:41,934
[laughing hysterically]
226
00:08:41,969 --> 00:08:46,560
[still laughing]
227
00:08:46,595 --> 00:08:49,736
[mutters]
228
00:08:50,737 --> 00:08:52,393
[mutters]
229
00:09:08,824 --> 00:09:11,585
Okay, you want a story,
here's a story.
230
00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:15,555
It's called "The Kids Who
Couldn't Play By Themselves."
231
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,177
We did some good work today.
232
00:09:17,211 --> 00:09:19,006
Tomorrow, we'll hit Grandpa
233
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:22,078
with the "Good Ship Lollipop"
number right after breakfast.
234
00:09:22,113 --> 00:09:23,666
I want to swim in the pool.
235
00:09:23,701 --> 00:09:25,772
You can swim in the pool
when we own the pool.
236
00:09:25,806 --> 00:09:27,912
Nice angle you're working
with Grandpa, Malcolm.
237
00:09:27,946 --> 00:09:30,086
I have to admit, you're getting
a lot of face time
238
00:09:30,121 --> 00:09:32,019
but when he croaks,
all he's gonna leave you
239
00:09:32,054 --> 00:09:33,365
is that stupid Civil War crap.
240
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,092
Reese...You can have it, but I want it
241
00:09:36,127 --> 00:09:37,853
out of the house.
242
00:09:39,924 --> 00:09:41,581
Back off Grandpa.
He's ours.
243
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,513
What?
244
00:09:43,548 --> 00:09:45,688
We've been working this guy
for three years,
245
00:09:45,723 --> 00:09:48,518
and we're not about
to let you waltz in here
246
00:09:48,553 --> 00:09:50,417
and snake him out
from under us.
247
00:09:50,451 --> 00:09:51,867
What are you saying?
248
00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:56,423
It's a big house;
accidents happen.
249
00:09:57,666 --> 00:09:59,702
...and then the little boy,
about your age,
250
00:09:59,737 --> 00:10:02,532
was found hanging
in the moonlight,
251
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:05,087
strangled by his own intestines.
252
00:10:05,121 --> 00:10:09,539
And there was just enough life
left in him to say...
253
00:10:09,574 --> 00:10:10,644
"You're next!!"
254
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,128
[all screaming]
255
00:10:12,163 --> 00:10:14,855
[screaming continues]
256
00:10:14,890 --> 00:10:17,133
[kids screaming]
257
00:10:17,168 --> 00:10:18,238
Come out!
258
00:10:18,272 --> 00:10:20,447
He was lying;
it was just a story.
259
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:25,866
[muttering softly]
260
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:29,283
All I want is two seconds
of honest, human conversation
261
00:10:29,318 --> 00:10:32,010
with my own father.
262
00:10:32,045 --> 00:10:34,288
I mean, what is so awful
about me
263
00:10:34,323 --> 00:10:38,396
that he has to distance himself
with jokes and silly faces?
264
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,778
Hal, you're not going
to make any progress
265
00:10:40,812 --> 00:10:43,712
if you keep personalizing
other people's problems.
266
00:10:43,746 --> 00:10:46,197
We've talked about this.You just don't get it.
267
00:10:46,231 --> 00:10:48,095
How could you? You don't
have any father issues.
268
00:10:48,130 --> 00:10:50,960
I'm blessed.
269
00:10:50,995 --> 00:10:52,686
There's got to be some way
to break this cycle.
270
00:10:52,721 --> 00:10:56,069
Some way to make my dad
let his guard down
271
00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:59,693
and engage me
on an emotional level...
272
00:10:59,728 --> 00:11:01,246
Are you even listening?
273
00:11:01,281 --> 00:11:02,800
Sorry.
274
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:04,733
Oh!
275
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:07,080
Hal, the answer
to this is simple.
276
00:11:07,114 --> 00:11:08,840
You just have to
look at your life;
277
00:11:08,875 --> 00:11:10,497
look at what you've
accomplished.
278
00:11:10,531 --> 00:11:13,534
You havea good relationship
with your sons.
279
00:11:13,569 --> 00:11:16,123
They can talk to you
about anything.
280
00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:18,367
You have a wife
and home and family
281
00:11:18,401 --> 00:11:20,680
a lot of people
would envy.
282
00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:21,681
You're past this.
283
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,716
You think?
284
00:11:22,751 --> 00:11:23,959
Yes, I do.
285
00:11:23,993 --> 00:11:27,169
Hal, you're all grown up.
286
00:11:28,308 --> 00:11:29,378
[gasps]
287
00:11:29,412 --> 00:11:30,655
Uh-oh.
288
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,967
What?
289
00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:33,727
I...
290
00:11:33,762 --> 00:11:35,833
I wet the bed.
291
00:11:41,321 --> 00:11:43,081
Oh, that tears it,
Lois.
292
00:11:43,116 --> 00:11:44,945
You know I've been
telling myself that
everything's okay,
293
00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,636
but my bladder knew different.
294
00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:49,156
I am not leaving here until
I've had this out with my dad.
295
00:11:49,191 --> 00:11:51,158
Hal, are you sure
you want to do this?
296
00:11:51,193 --> 00:11:52,677
Lois, he just sits by
297
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,368
while everyone treats
you like a dog,
298
00:11:54,403 --> 00:11:56,405
when they're not treating
you like a servant.
299
00:11:56,439 --> 00:11:58,752
It's not that bad.Did you notice last night
300
00:11:58,787 --> 00:12:00,374
when you gave Helen
your chair
301
00:12:00,409 --> 00:12:02,825
and she flipped
the cushion over
before she sat down?
302
00:12:02,860 --> 00:12:05,621
No.
303
00:12:10,937 --> 00:12:12,870
Why are we staring
at a mall, Grandpa?
304
00:12:12,904 --> 00:12:14,837
This is a battlefield,
Private,
305
00:12:14,872 --> 00:12:16,114
and I'm not your Grandpa.
306
00:12:16,149 --> 00:12:18,185
I'm Captain Atticus
P. Featherton,
307
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:22,224
commander of
the Company "A" cavalry.
308
00:12:22,258 --> 00:12:24,053
It's 1864.
309
00:12:24,088 --> 00:12:25,814
Cannonballs
are flying overhead.
310
00:12:25,848 --> 00:12:29,541
The nostrils curl with
the smell of burning flesh.
311
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:32,130
Can I get a yogurt?
312
00:12:32,165 --> 00:12:34,201
You're ravaged by dysentery,
you don't want a yogurt.
313
00:12:34,236 --> 00:12:35,616
WOMAN:
Edith, where are my keys?
314
00:12:35,651 --> 00:12:37,342
They're supposed to be
in the key thingy.
315
00:12:37,377 --> 00:12:39,241
I can't trust you
with anything.
316
00:12:39,275 --> 00:12:41,174
Now, there's
Confederate sharpshooters
317
00:12:41,208 --> 00:12:42,727
on that ridge over there.
318
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,212
We have to sit very still
while we wait for our orders
319
00:12:45,247 --> 00:12:47,076
or they'll pick us off
one by one.
320
00:12:47,111 --> 00:12:50,597
But...
Very still, Private.
321
00:12:53,324 --> 00:12:55,464
More still than that!
322
00:12:57,604 --> 00:12:59,882
Isn't this great?
323
00:12:59,917 --> 00:13:01,884
[chuckles]
324
00:13:03,472 --> 00:13:05,405
I asked for these
to be ironed.
325
00:13:05,439 --> 00:13:08,132
What is wrong
with you people?
326
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,762
Nice touch with
the backwards "E."
327
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,558
You've got a real gift
for this butt kissing stuff.
328
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:22,077
We are so in.
329
00:13:22,111 --> 00:13:25,011
What do you mean "we"?
330
00:13:28,014 --> 00:13:30,050
Ma, you got to let us
hide in here; these kids...
331
00:13:30,085 --> 00:13:31,327
What's wrong?
332
00:13:31,362 --> 00:13:32,846
Oh, I forgot to pack
my good shoes.
333
00:13:32,881 --> 00:13:34,572
I can't believe it.
What am I supposed to do?
334
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,091
All I've got are my sneakers.
335
00:13:36,125 --> 00:13:38,300
I'm supposed to take them off
and run around barefoot
336
00:13:38,334 --> 00:13:39,991
like a hillbilly
in front of these people?
337
00:13:40,026 --> 00:13:41,510
Mom, it's just shoes.
Relax.
338
00:13:41,544 --> 00:13:43,132
Oh, Francis,
it's not just shoes.
339
00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:44,513
You have no idea
what it's like
340
00:13:44,547 --> 00:13:46,204
trying to please
someone else's family
341
00:13:46,239 --> 00:13:48,137
and always coming up short.
342
00:13:48,172 --> 00:13:50,277
And would it kill you
to dress up a little
343
00:13:50,312 --> 00:13:52,107
for a family picture?
344
00:13:55,593 --> 00:13:57,802
Oh, hey, Hal.
345
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,597
You know, that Malcolm of yours
346
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:01,461
doesn't handle the heat
very well.
347
00:14:01,495 --> 00:14:03,773
Dad, we need to talk.
This is serious.
348
00:14:03,808 --> 00:14:05,914
Then I better put on
my serious face.
349
00:14:05,948 --> 00:14:07,881
No, Dad, no faces.
350
00:14:07,916 --> 00:14:09,779
Unless we deal with this,
351
00:14:09,814 --> 00:14:12,196
you and I will never have
a meaningful relationship.
352
00:14:12,230 --> 00:14:14,198
Our relationship is fine.
353
00:14:14,232 --> 00:14:16,269
No, it's not fine.
354
00:14:16,303 --> 00:14:18,340
There's a big piece missing.
355
00:14:18,374 --> 00:14:19,617
Oh, sure we laugh,
356
00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:21,791
we-we have fun,
but that's all we do.
357
00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:23,103
We just skim along
the surface
358
00:14:23,138 --> 00:14:25,899
without talking about
anything important.
359
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:27,349
Do you understand?
360
00:14:27,383 --> 00:14:30,041
Let's ask Mr. Tickles.
361
00:14:30,076 --> 00:14:31,525
[laughing]
362
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:32,975
Remember, Mr. Tickles?
363
00:14:33,010 --> 00:14:34,528
[cackling]
364
00:14:34,563 --> 00:14:35,978
No, Dad, I mean it!
365
00:14:36,013 --> 00:14:38,463
[goofy voice]:
Well, Mr. Tickles means it, too.
366
00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:40,120
[cackling]
367
00:14:40,155 --> 00:14:42,709
We used to do this all the
time when you were a kid.
368
00:14:42,743 --> 00:14:45,643
You loved Mr. Tickles.
369
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,197
Ooh, it's almost picture time.
370
00:14:48,232 --> 00:14:49,371
[laughs]
371
00:14:49,405 --> 00:14:51,614
Hey, this was fun, Hal.
372
00:14:51,649 --> 00:14:53,893
I'm glad you're
feeling better.
373
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:58,794
[frustrated scream]:
Oh!
374
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,730
That's not where
we keep the liquor.
375
00:15:03,764 --> 00:15:05,042
I'm not looking
for liquor.
376
00:15:05,076 --> 00:15:07,182
I'm looking for shoes.
377
00:15:07,216 --> 00:15:08,977
For some reason,
I forgot to pack
my good shoes
378
00:15:09,011 --> 00:15:10,875
and now I have nothing to wear
with this dress
379
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,429
that I rushed out to buy so I
would look nice for this family
380
00:15:13,464 --> 00:15:14,499
that thinks I can't
381
00:15:14,534 --> 00:15:16,122
do anything right.
382
00:15:16,156 --> 00:15:17,882
You know what?
383
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:21,575
I have some extra shoes
in the back of our car.
384
00:15:21,610 --> 00:15:23,543
I bet they might fit you.
385
00:15:23,577 --> 00:15:24,924
Really?
386
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:27,374
It's the black Jaguar
parked out by the gate.
387
00:15:27,409 --> 00:15:28,582
It's unlocked.
388
00:15:28,617 --> 00:15:32,414
Thank you. Really.
389
00:15:37,039 --> 00:15:39,455
Don't you guys want to be
with your parents?
390
00:15:41,388 --> 00:15:42,734
My socks are itchy.
391
00:15:42,769 --> 00:15:45,461
Malcolm, I hear
your sock itchiness
392
00:15:45,496 --> 00:15:47,360
and I'm glad you're
telling me about it.
393
00:15:47,394 --> 00:15:49,051
You boys should know
that I am here for you
394
00:15:49,086 --> 00:15:50,363
anytime you want
to talk about anything.
395
00:15:50,397 --> 00:15:51,778
After we get this picture taken,
396
00:15:51,812 --> 00:15:53,538
I'm going to spend
some time with each of you
397
00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:55,609
because I am involved
and into everything
398
00:15:55,644 --> 00:15:56,990
that's going on
with this family.
399
00:15:57,025 --> 00:15:59,441
Where's your mother?
400
00:15:59,475 --> 00:16:00,649
LOIS:
Amelia?
401
00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:02,202
There aren't any shoes
in your car.
402
00:16:02,237 --> 00:16:03,583
Are you sure...?
403
00:16:03,617 --> 00:16:06,379
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Okay, everybody, big smiles.
404
00:16:06,413 --> 00:16:07,967
Cheese on three.
One, two...
405
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,002
three.
406
00:16:09,037 --> 00:16:10,141
Cheese!
407
00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:12,005
Okay, let me get
one more real quick.
408
00:16:13,455 --> 00:16:15,077
Excellent.
409
00:16:15,112 --> 00:16:16,147
Thank you, everybody.
410
00:16:16,182 --> 00:16:17,666
[applause]
411
00:16:19,116 --> 00:16:22,291
You weren't
in the photo, Lois?
412
00:16:22,326 --> 00:16:23,983
[sighs]
413
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:27,745
Well, I guess we can try
to take another one.
414
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:30,610
You know, if we can
regather everybody.
415
00:16:30,644 --> 00:16:34,441
And if we can get
the photographer back.
416
00:16:34,476 --> 00:16:36,029
And talk to the caterers
417
00:16:36,064 --> 00:16:38,756
to see if they can
hold off on dinner.
418
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:40,689
Lois, where were you?
419
00:16:59,087 --> 00:17:00,157
[door slams]
420
00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:01,951
Honey?
421
00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:05,540
Honey?
422
00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:07,095
Honey... [sighs]
423
00:17:07,128 --> 00:17:09,683
God.
424
00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:13,204
[plastic crunches]
425
00:17:13,239 --> 00:17:15,241
[crying]
426
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,607
Hey, is Lois going
to help with the salad?
427
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:41,577
Oh, God. More drama
from that woman.
428
00:17:49,758 --> 00:17:50,966
What are you
going to do?
429
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,934
We don't know.
We never know.
430
00:17:57,938 --> 00:17:59,561
Hal...
431
00:17:59,595 --> 00:18:02,115
what are you doing?
432
00:18:02,150 --> 00:18:04,428
Taking a stand
for my dignity.
433
00:18:04,462 --> 00:18:06,015
You've driven me
to this, Dad.
434
00:18:06,050 --> 00:18:07,465
My wife is upstairs crying
435
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,502
because of the way
this family treats her
436
00:18:09,536 --> 00:18:10,882
and it's got to stop.
437
00:18:10,917 --> 00:18:12,056
[goofy voice]:
Uh-oh.
438
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,577
Someone's a Gloomy Gus.
439
00:18:17,613 --> 00:18:20,064
You never face up to any
real problems, do you?
440
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,205
You just think if you
make enough jokes,
they'll all go away.
441
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,621
Don't you see that
through my entire life,
442
00:18:25,656 --> 00:18:26,967
you've avoided
dealing with me
443
00:18:27,002 --> 00:18:28,900
whenever I was going
through a tough time?
444
00:18:28,935 --> 00:18:30,592
Really, this is
beyond the pale.
445
00:18:30,626 --> 00:18:33,250
You never helped me when
my girlfriend dumped me...[laughs]
446
00:18:33,284 --> 00:18:35,390
when my dog died...
Hey.
447
00:18:35,424 --> 00:18:37,564
when my best friend
moved away...
448
00:18:37,599 --> 00:18:39,428
when I got beaten up
at school...
449
00:18:39,463 --> 00:18:41,465
when I spent
a whole summer crying
450
00:18:41,499 --> 00:18:42,569
and I didn't know why!
451
00:18:42,604 --> 00:18:44,606
[laughing]:
Hal, stop it!
452
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:45,917
And you haven't helped me
while my family has been
453
00:18:45,952 --> 00:18:47,781
habitually tormenting my wife
454
00:18:47,816 --> 00:18:51,785
to the point where I've had
to avoid both them and you!
455
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:53,718
[laughing]
456
00:18:53,753 --> 00:18:56,963
I haven't had a father
for the past 15 years
457
00:18:56,997 --> 00:18:59,793
because you won't deal
with anything!
458
00:18:59,828 --> 00:19:03,003
[laughter subsiding]
459
00:19:05,213 --> 00:19:07,249
Okay, that's off my chest.
460
00:19:07,284 --> 00:19:10,494
I hope you heard it.
461
00:19:10,528 --> 00:19:12,565
I love you, Dad.
462
00:19:17,363 --> 00:19:19,192
I'll go get you a towel.
463
00:19:20,573 --> 00:19:22,954
One of the old ones, please.
464
00:19:25,474 --> 00:19:27,200
All right, everybody ready?
465
00:19:27,235 --> 00:19:30,030
I was born ready.
466
00:19:30,065 --> 00:19:31,894
[horn blows]
467
00:19:32,861 --> 00:19:34,380
[whistles]
468
00:19:38,556 --> 00:19:41,076
[screaming]
469
00:19:44,286 --> 00:19:46,115
[screams]
470
00:19:46,150 --> 00:19:48,601
The cake!
471
00:19:48,635 --> 00:19:49,878
The cake!
The cart!
472
00:19:49,912 --> 00:19:51,500
[screaming]
473
00:20:27,778 --> 00:20:30,850
We had to get out of there
pretty fast for our own safety.
474
00:20:30,884 --> 00:20:33,542
It was unbelievable.
We drove three blocks
475
00:20:33,577 --> 00:20:35,924
before Aunt Claire let go
of the door handle.
476
00:20:35,958 --> 00:20:39,376
I am so very disappointed
in all of you.
477
00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,378
I don't care
what those people did,
478
00:20:41,412 --> 00:20:43,483
that was no way
for you to behave.
479
00:20:43,518 --> 00:20:44,519
Right, Hal?
480
00:20:44,553 --> 00:20:46,245
Yeah, you boys
are on notice.
481
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:49,248
If you everdrive a golf
cart over a catered dinner
482
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:50,697
and into a
swimming pool again,
483
00:20:50,732 --> 00:20:55,081
there will be consequences.
Dire consequences.
484
00:20:55,115 --> 00:20:57,911
I guess we just kissed off
a six-figure trust fund.
485
00:20:57,946 --> 00:21:00,189
I told Grandpa you tied
me to the golf cart.
486
00:21:00,224 --> 00:21:01,260
What?!
487
00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:03,917
He still likes you.
488
00:21:03,952 --> 00:21:05,919
Nice, we're back
in the game.
489
00:21:05,954 --> 00:21:08,922
Yeah.
490
00:21:08,957 --> 00:21:10,717
Oh, Piama.
491
00:21:10,752 --> 00:21:12,616
Is that too much air on you?
492
00:21:13,444 --> 00:21:15,274
No.
32344
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