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1
00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:03,737
LOIS: I can't believe you,
Dewey! How could you do this?!
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,139
When is she
going to stop?
3
00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:07,708
I'm starving.
Go get us some food.
4
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:09,377
I'm not going
out there.
5
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,412
LOIS: That's right,
you better cry!
6
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,481
Sorry doesn't
cut it, young man!
7
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,216
This was a good idea.
8
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,051
Just wish you had
told me earlier.
9
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,919
I was hiding outside
for 45 minutes
10
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:19,987
before I came in.
11
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,822
I saw you.
12
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,359
* Yes, no, maybe
13
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,861
* I don't know
14
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:31,165
* Can you repeat the question?
15
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:33,434
* You're not the boss
of me now *
16
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:35,836
* You're not
the boss of me now *
17
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,239
* You're not the boss
of me now *
18
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,341
* And you're not so big
19
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,843
* You're not the boss
of me now *
20
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,845
* You're not
the boss of me now *
21
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,381
* You're not the boss
of me now *
22
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:50,184
* And you're not so big
23
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:54,622
* Life is unfair.
24
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,266
Boys, you know how you've
been hounding us for years
25
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,734
for your own computer?
26
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,369
Well, your mother and
I have arranged a deal
27
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,037
with our nice neighbor
Ed to get you one.
28
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,772
I'm giving you
my old laptop.
29
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,377
Is it inside that?
30
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,246
Nope, that's it.
And in exchange,
31
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:20,714
you're going to help Ed
set up his new computer.
32
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,383
It shouldn't be hard
for a smart kid like you.
33
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,552
All you have to do is install
the sound and graphics card
34
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,254
and set up a wireless network
for my broadband connection,
35
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:27,655
and I'm good to go.
36
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,257
And, Reese, you're
going to help him
37
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,958
resod his lawn
and build a gazebo.
38
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,260
What?! No!
39
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,494
Come on, boys.
40
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,296
Nothing in this life
comes free.
41
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:38,266
Oh, Hal, here are
those Foreigner albums.
42
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,501
Pleasure doing
business with you.
43
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,173
Oh, just be glad
you're getting a computer.
44
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:47,408
Maybe I should get a dog
or a rat.
45
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,278
Some dumb animal that at least
knows how to work for a living!
46
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,945
Yes, ma'am.
47
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:55,082
Damn idiots never learned
how to do one damn thing right
48
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,517
your entire lives!
49
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,019
Yes, ma'am.
50
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,621
And the blood
from my knees
51
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,323
was tracking behind where
I had already scrubbed
52
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,292
so I had to keep going
around and around
53
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,460
until finally she let me
put dish towels
54
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:07,595
on my knees.
55
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,829
So, how was your day?
56
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,030
Did you make a lot
of snow globes?
57
00:02:10,062 --> 00:02:11,765
I don't care about that.
58
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,967
My husband is being disrespected
by a woman who isn't fit
59
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,204
to eat the crap
between your toes.
60
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,838
Someone ought to cut
that woman's belly open
61
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,841
with a rusty knife and strangle
her with her own entrails.
62
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:23,511
I love you, too.
63
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,780
If you want me,
I'll be under my bed.
64
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,516
Oh, come on, Dewey,
it wasn't that bad.
65
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:29,550
It was terrible!
66
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,951
I hate soccer.
67
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,186
I stink!
68
00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:33,721
My team stinks.
69
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,789
Well, 27-0 doesn't
reflect how close
70
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,226
the first five minutes
of the game were.
71
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:40,694
Hey, you guys won
the coin toss.
72
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,396
I want to quit.
Well, you can't quit.
73
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:45,199
People don't just quit because
they lose a couple games.
74
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:46,567
The coach quit.
75
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,001
No, he had an emotional
breakdown.
76
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,303
That's not the same thing.
77
00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:52,873
The point is,
you're not quitting.
78
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,408
In fact, you know what?
79
00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:55,909
I'm going to coach you.
80
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,378
What?!
Well, sure!
81
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:58,579
This'll be great.
82
00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,880
It'll give us a chance
to hang out,
83
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,148
spend a little time together,
84
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,716
kick the ball around.
85
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:05,586
And who knows, someday
you might just look back
86
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,989
and say, "Boy, I sure had
some fun with my old man."
87
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,491
(chuckles)
What do you say?
88
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,260
No!
Dewey, you are not
89
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,327
quitting the team.
90
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,062
I am going
to coach you
91
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:18,031
and we are going to create
treasured father-son memories
92
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,100
whether you want to or not.
93
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:25,873
So, what's... on the...
hard drive?
94
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,608
Nothing.
He erased everything.
95
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,343
No, he just
thinks he did.
96
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,044
He may have deleted
all the programs,
97
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,613
but he didn't
format the drive.
98
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,349
They never... do.
99
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,050
There it is.
100
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:38,919
Let's check out
what he's got in here.
101
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,187
Let's go through
his e-mails.
102
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,955
Why? It's Ed.
103
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,891
What's he going to...?
104
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,926
Oh, my God.
105
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:48,896
"Eddie, last night
was amazing.
106
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,365
You touched me places
my husband never knew existed."
107
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,700
"TGoodwin."
108
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,102
That's Mrs. Goodwin
from down the block.
109
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,437
That's horrible.
110
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,905
They're both married.
111
00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,206
And fat.
112
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,774
Look at this one.
113
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:03,911
"Edward, just saying your name
turns me to jelly."
114
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:06,880
That's... Mrs. Fisher.
115
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:10,284
Mrs. Conlin, Mrs. Wilson,
Mrs. Beltz...
116
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:12,320
He's sleeping with half the
women in this neighborhood.
117
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,388
Here's one from old
Mrs. Swanbeck.
118
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:17,491
Open the picture
attachment.
119
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,629
(all groan)
120
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:23,397
(whistle blows)
121
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:24,565
All right, kids,
let's huddle up.
122
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,633
Huddle up.
Come on.
123
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:26,934
Hello there.
124
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,235
My name is Hal.
125
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,803
I'm the new coach.
126
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:31,439
Now, I don't claim
to know a lot
127
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:35,175
about soccer, but I do know
about being a young boy.
128
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:37,611
And growing up can be tough.
129
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:40,848
I know what it's like
to be the class spaz...
130
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,583
the fat kid...
131
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,585
the nose picker.
132
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,987
Just wipe it on the grass, son.
133
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,089
But together,
we are more than that.
134
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,824
And today we're going
to find out
135
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,360
what it's like to be a team!
136
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,194
Can we just forfeit
and get a burger
137
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:55,796
before the line gets too long?
138
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,264
No.
139
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,333
What we're going to do
is go out on that field
140
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,001
and we are going
to have some fun.
141
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,370
MAN: You kids
make me sick!
142
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,271
If you're not puking
from exhaustion,
143
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,507
you're not playing
hard enough!
144
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:07,808
It's a beautiful day.
145
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,143
Let's go out
and enjoy the sunshine
146
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:11,679
and play some soccer!
147
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,781
You will rip
their heads off!
148
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,282
Do you hear me?!
(sobbing)
149
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,984
Now stop crying.
150
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,786
Stop crying,
you little baby!
151
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,988
Hey, fella, why don't
you just ease up!
152
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,790
Come on,
they're just kids.
153
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,291
You hear that, men?
154
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,260
That's what a loser
sounds like.
155
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,063
All right, what do you say,
156
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,367
we go out and give it our best
and have some fun?!
157
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,535
(boys groaning)
158
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:37,204
It was 48 to nothing
before the half.
159
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:38,572
I had to call it.
160
00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:40,173
Of course.
161
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:43,477
TEAM: Two, four, six, eight!
Who did we annihilate?!
162
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,646
The Tigers!
The Tigers!
163
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,748
We killed the Tigers!
164
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,618
(cheering)
165
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,487
Hey, Stevie.
166
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,223
You were supposed...
to meet me...
167
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,558
at the library.
168
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:58,892
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
169
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,894
You know, I actually found
something decent
170
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:01,895
on Ed's computer.
171
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,864
The Virts?
172
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,666
Yeah, you create
a virtual family,
173
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,000
put them in
different situations,
174
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,502
and the computer
plays out their lives.
175
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,070
I'm putting in
the characters right now.
176
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,572
Is that...
177
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:13,707
your mom?
178
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:14,942
Not yet.
179
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,779
Reese.
180
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:25,619
Make sure... you capture...
181
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:28,789
the blackness of his soul.
182
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,924
Aggressiveness-- ten.
183
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,693
Hygiene-- zero.
184
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,361
Okay, now me.
185
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,629
Malcolm.
186
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:37,931
Appearance-- nine.
187
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,266
No, ten.
188
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:40,468
A ten for
intelligence.
189
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:43,971
And social skills... ten.
190
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:47,441
Too bad...
it doesn't go... higher.
191
00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:50,744
I have social skills,
jackass!
192
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:53,146
Okay, it's dinnertime.
193
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,415
(video game music playing)
194
00:06:58,819 --> 00:06:59,920
Where's Malcolm?
195
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:03,657
Looking at himself
in the mirror.
196
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,962
How you doing?
197
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,130
I'm hot and I'm bored.
198
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,298
What is this stuff?
199
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:12,966
It smells awful.
200
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,603
What are you doing?
201
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,938
There's bare patches
all over the place.
202
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,140
Are you even paying attention
to what you're doing?
203
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,509
Hey, I get grounded plenty, Ed.
204
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,443
I know how to do grunt work.
205
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:26,179
So why don't you just go fix
Mrs. Conlin's "garage door"
206
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,447
and get off my back!
207
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,149
What did you say?
You heard me.
208
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,418
Oh, my God.
What do you know?
209
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,786
Everything.
210
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,287
You might want to formulate
your megabytes
211
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:35,789
next time
you get rid of your computer.
212
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,090
Oh, and by the way,
213
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,359
Mrs. Swanbeck? You are sick.
214
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,828
Keep your voice down.
215
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,196
Look, it's not my fault.
216
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,998
I try to be faithful,
217
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:48,001
but the women on this block
are just so desperate
218
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,269
and lonely.
219
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,773
It's like I cast
some kind of spell.
220
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,642
I try to tell them no,
221
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,443
but it always leads
to a back rub.
222
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,446
I know, Ed. I read all about it.
223
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,448
Is that you, Ed?
224
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,717
I'm a little busy
right now, Martha.
225
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:07,487
Look...
226
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:08,956
you can't tell my wife.
227
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,457
You can't tell anyone.
228
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,625
Please.
229
00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:12,893
I'll do anything.
230
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,695
I'll do anything you ask.
231
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:18,498
I can work with that.
232
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,033
Damn these loggers!
233
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,802
Don't they know
somebody's got to clean up
234
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,336
their caribou carcass?
235
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:26,173
These antlers won't
fit down the disposal!
236
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,908
Oh, hey, Francis,
come away from there.
237
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,710
You don't have
to do that.
238
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:32,712
You're much to valuable an
employee to mess with that.
239
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:35,482
But yesterday you said
you'd seen tumors with hair
240
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,850
that were smarter than me.
241
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,852
Can't you tell
good-natured ribbing?
242
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,388
I got a more
important job for you.
243
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,423
Why don't you sit
in that chair
244
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,325
and check out the reception
on the TV.
245
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,994
It's been kind
of spotty lately.
246
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:50,230
Oh, and make sure these sodas
haven't gone flat.
247
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,567
That sounds... doable.
248
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:56,103
We got other people
to do the grunt work.
249
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,706
A newlywed like you shouldn't
be tiring himself out
250
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,407
before he even gets home.
251
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,811
Your lovely, young wife
wouldn't like that, would she?
252
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:08,548
What did you do?
253
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,350
I don't know what
you're talking about, honey.
254
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,185
Lavernia is being
nice to me.
255
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,854
She's treating me
like a human being!
256
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,088
What did you do to her?
257
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,024
Maybe she turned over
a new leaf.
258
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,792
Sometimes really big
crappy jerks
259
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:21,128
just realize they got
to change their ways.
260
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,562
This woman was terrified,
261
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,431
and I've never seen
her scared of anything.
262
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,866
I don't know how
you threatened her,
263
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,234
but you must
have said something.
264
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,036
I wouldn't do
that, Francis.
265
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,437
You're the man.
266
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,872
I'm not going to fight
your battles for you.
267
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,406
Obviously that's not true.
268
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,876
Now, damn it, you're
going to tell me what you did!
269
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,278
You know what?
270
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:41,715
I don't have to do anything
you tell me to do.
271
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:45,485
And you might want to reconsider
your tone of voice.
272
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:49,289
Sometimes you
make me so mad.
273
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:52,325
(whistle blows)
274
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:56,063
All right, look, uh,
today's practice was...
275
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,466
Well, let's-let's focus
on the positive.
276
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:02,335
I-I think it's encouraging
that so many of you
277
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:03,804
found the right field.
278
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:06,339
And a special congratulations
go to Billy
279
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,608
for using the sidestep
that we practiced
280
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:13,480
to run away from the butterfly
that almost landed near him.
281
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,348
But we do need
to work on
282
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:19,119
your general unwillingness
to kick the ball.
283
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,654
It hurts!
284
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,522
Boys, if we are going
to get better,
285
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,792
we're going to have
to work together.
286
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:27,360
We're going to have to start
acting like a team.
287
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:31,999
You know what it means
to be on a team, don't you?
288
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,868
Well, don't look at...
289
00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:37,004
Come on, think of a team.
290
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:37,938
Like the X-Men?
291
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,139
Yes!
292
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,809
Yes! Yes, like the X-Men.
293
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,644
You boys are like the X-Men.
294
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,314
And what do the X-Men do?
295
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,449
Fight evil?
296
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,852
Yes, they work together.
297
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:55,723
To fight evil
and also to uphold the ideals
298
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:59,392
of good sportsmanship
and teamwork!
299
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:00,627
And fight evil!
300
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,295
(excited shouting)
301
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,065
Yes! Okay, okay, boys.
302
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:08,501
Come on, come on, come on,
huddle up, huddle up.
303
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,670
I should not be
telling you this,
304
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,306
but the American Youth
Soccer Federation
305
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,475
has been infiltrated
by evil forces
306
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,345
hell-bent on total
domination of the Earth.
307
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:21,314
Now, the infiltration
goes all the way down
308
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,983
to the lowest levels.
309
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,318
I'm talking the Blackhawks,
the Bulldogs, the Eagles.
310
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,988
Every other team in our league
311
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,824
has been lost
to the forces of evil.
312
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,927
And it's up to you boys
to stop them.
313
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,529
Now, boys, what do you say, hmm?
314
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,366
Who wants to be on the side
of goodness and virtue
315
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:42,502
and who wants to rid
the world of evil?!
316
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,071
(excited shouting)
317
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:46,173
All right, boys!
318
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:49,542
Now, let's get out there
and do some kicking drills!
319
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,512
(laughs)
320
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:53,713
(sighs)
321
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:02,022
Can you please...
start working?
322
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,056
Just one more second.
323
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,357
This is really interesting.
324
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,293
I just made my mom quit
her crappy job
325
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,928
and go to law school.
326
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,097
It's less money, but her
happiness level went way up.
327
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,731
I made my dad quit, too.
328
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,801
All he's doing is
working on neighbors' cars,
329
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,468
but check out
his happiness level.
330
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,304
(video game music playing)
331
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,740
But I still think
they could be happier.
332
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:21,975
Let's send Reese to China.
333
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:27,480
What are you changing...
about Malcolm?
334
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:28,816
Nothing, he's fine.
335
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,384
He's burning himself...
336
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,820
with a cigarette.
337
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,155
Just a phase.
338
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,424
(rock music playing)
339
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,829
Where were you?
(music stops)
340
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,964
I've been waiting ten
minutes for that lotion.
341
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,999
Look at this.
I am starting to freckle.
342
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:47,734
Look, Reese,
my wife gets back soon.
343
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,402
I'm going to have a hard time
344
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,905
explaining why I'm catering
to a 15-year-old boy.
345
00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,907
I'll explain it to her
if you want me to.
346
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,408
That's okay,
forget I mentioned it.
347
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,410
Fly.
Where?
348
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,212
Just a drill.
349
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,649
(rock music playing)
350
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:05,685
Well, the oak
seems to burn
351
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,021
a few degrees hotter
than the maple.
352
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,091
(groans)
353
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,026
This game is asinine!
354
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,162
I thought you liked it.
355
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,330
No, this is idiotic
programming.
356
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,999
My family has turned out
horrible.
357
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,300
My mom finished law school
358
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,869
and became
a Supreme Court justice,
359
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,470
Reese is the king
of China,
360
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,938
and my dad is
a millionaire
361
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,806
from his chain
of auto body shops.
362
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,943
Why is Malcolm
sneaking scotch
363
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,678
from the toilet tank?
364
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:33,113
He won't stop drinking!
365
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,781
That's his second bottle
since breakfast.
366
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,851
I am so done with this game.
367
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,387
No, you know what?
368
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,622
I'm moving them all to Arkansas
to become chicken farmers.
369
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,425
That ought to level out
the playing field.
370
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:47,794
Hi, honey. This is great!
371
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,662
You're home early.
372
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,865
And you don't come home
so mad anymore.
373
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:54,567
I think we may
have to split up.
374
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:55,969
What?!
375
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,971
I'm not sure
this marriage is working.
376
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:01,008
I mean, I love you,
but I don't know you that well.
377
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:03,376
Hell, I can't even pronounce
your last name.
378
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,678
Tan-nah-nah-ha-ahk-nah.
379
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,180
And then with this
whole Lavernia thing,
380
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,515
I'm starting to think
there's a side...
381
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,150
I don't understand.
382
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,985
If someone does something
because they love someone
383
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,553
and it solves
the problem, then...
384
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,155
No!
385
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,756
Marriage is supposed to be
386
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:20,193
about trust and communication
and not being terrified!
387
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,531
We're supposed to be a team,
I thought.
388
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:28,668
Look, I'm going
to ask you one last time,
389
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,005
for the sake of our marriage,
what did you do?
390
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,507
(mumbles):
Took her parakeet.
391
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,244
What?
I took her parakeet!
392
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:39,512
You stole the woman's pet?
393
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,182
The woman's pet?!
394
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,184
You protect the people
that you love.
395
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,219
I figured you'd do
the same for me.
396
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:47,520
But I would tell you!
397
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,722
If I was going to grab
someone's parakeet
398
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:50,790
and hold it hostage...
399
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,460
Well, gee, I wouldn't do that!
400
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,428
How long were you going
to keep it for, anyway?
401
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,397
Till she behaved.
402
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,899
And if she didn't,
I guess I'd have killed it.
403
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:03,136
See, that's where
it gets alarming again.
404
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:04,604
But putting aside
405
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,439
the horrible nature
of the act itself,
406
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,541
what's really upsetting
is that you made
407
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:09,742
this unilateral decision.
408
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,144
I said I was sorry!
409
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:13,413
How many times do you
want me to say it?!
410
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:14,614
You didn't say you were...
411
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:15,915
And what about you?
412
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,250
You were going to
break up with me!
413
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,552
You think that
makes me feel safe?
414
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,288
You're right.
415
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:22,855
I'm sorry.
416
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,259
Wait! No!
417
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,161
I'm not apologizing here.
418
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:29,662
We need to bring
this bird back,
419
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,965
and if I do it, she's
going to think I was involved.
420
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,400
You made this mess without me.
421
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,634
You clean it up without me!
422
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,603
Or what?
423
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:39,506
Or maybe I'll do it for you!
424
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,941
And you...
425
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:45,979
have dinner ready
when I get back!
426
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,349
Look, Ed, school
gets out at 3:00.
427
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,783
It is 2:15.
428
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,519
I've been waiting around
for over an hour!
429
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,087
Sorry, Reese.
430
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,488
WOMAN:
Excuse me.
431
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,158
Damn, hurry up.
Get in the car.
432
00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:00,493
Hello, I'm Mrs. Abbott,
Reese's guidance counselor.
433
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,762
I've been trying to talk
to you about your son
434
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,731
for the past three weeks.
435
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,003
Well, I'm here now.
What can I do for you?
436
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,375
You have to stop this.
437
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,609
Stupid game!
438
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,944
This is ridiculous!
439
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,846
Everybody in my family
is, like, perfect.
440
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:21,281
My mom is president,
441
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,050
Reese is married
to six supermodels,
442
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,684
and my dad used
all his money
443
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,819
to fund a search for
extraterrestrials.
444
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,890
Nothing I do
has any effect whatsoever.
445
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,226
If I give them money,
if I take it away,
446
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,295
if I make them ugly,
if I make them Canadian,
447
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,230
everything works out
beautifully for them
448
00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:39,666
and horrible for me!
449
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:42,369
Dewey just became Pope.
450
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,137
And I weigh 500 pounds.
451
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,239
That's it.
452
00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:48,641
I'm just going to have
to kill them.
453
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:52,679
Go to counter, get knife,
kill them.
454
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,181
No!
455
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:55,915
Don't make yourself a sandwich!
456
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,351
Kill! Kill!
457
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,187
No, not yourself!
458
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,655
Don't kill. Don't kill.
459
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,358
You stupid fat bastard!
460
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,531
(groans)
461
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,637
(grunting)
462
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:24,411
This means nothing!
463
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:28,047
So, Dad,
are you going to ground me?
464
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,117
Boy, your counselor
was furious.
465
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,051
So how about we head back
to your place,
466
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,686
you can set up your Jacuzzi,
467
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,356
and then you can throw something
on the barbecue for me.
468
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,125
I've got a better idea.
469
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,760
I'll get in my Jacuzzi,
and you'll fix dinner for me.
470
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:41,961
What are you talking about?
471
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,896
With the information
I just got on you,
472
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,298
I can call your mother
473
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:47,534
and you won't see
daylight for years.
474
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,236
Oh, yeah?
475
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:51,804
One word, and I'm telling
your wife your little secret.
476
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:55,542
I guess the question is:
am I more scared of my wife
477
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,578
or are you more scared
of your mother?
478
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,449
Then get a dozen
peach roses--
479
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,417
they got to be peach--
480
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,787
and run them over
to Mrs. Malone's.
481
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,161
Lavernia, I'm sorry.
482
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,229
I just talked to my wife,
and it turns out
483
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:17,897
this was all a big
misunderstanding.
484
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,668
She's sorry, too,
and we just want you to have...
485
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,771
I guess I should have put
486
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:27,507
a blanket on this
on the way over.
487
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:30,577
I just want you to know
that I...
488
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:34,247
(screaming)
489
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,749
Okay, boys, look,
we have come a long way,
490
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,619
and today is the day we show
what we're made of!
491
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,588
Now, who are we?
492
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,756
BOYS:
The forces of good!
493
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,258
And who's evil?
494
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,959
BOYS:
The Gophers!
495
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,595
(cheering)
496
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,197
We've got a schedule
change, Coach.
497
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:51,498
The Gophers didn't show up,
498
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,166
so you're playing
the Blackhawks again.
499
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,667
(boys groan)
500
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:57,704
Don't worry, I'll call it
before it gets too ugly.
501
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,472
We're playing
the Blackhawks again?
502
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:00,840
Boys, boys, listen to me.
503
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,342
You're forgetting your mission.
504
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:03,876
You're here to fight evil,
505
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:06,679
and the Blackhawks
are the most evil of all.
506
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,148
You know when the teacher
remembers to give you homework
507
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:11,718
right before you're leaving
school at the end of the day?
508
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,019
The Blackhawks are behind it.
509
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,187
When your mother says
510
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,389
you can't watch TV,
for no reason,
511
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:18,991
the Blackhawks
told her to say that.
512
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:20,860
And when you didn't get
the Christmas presents
513
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,162
that you wanted,
do you know who got them?
514
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:24,130
The Blackhawks.
515
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,332
If it were up to them,
516
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:27,133
we wouldn't even have
a Christmas.
517
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,635
(boys gasp)
518
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,404
I for one am glad
that we have the chance to fight
519
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,806
for what is right and good
in this world!
520
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,809
Now, I ask you boys,
who are we going to beat?!
521
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,245
BOYS:
The Blackhawks!
522
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,513
And what are they?
BOYS: Evil!
523
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,548
Yeah!
524
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,815
Teams take the field!
525
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,117
I love you boys.
(chuckles)
526
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,254
(sighs)
527
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,522
I've done all the
coaching I can do.
528
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,458
The rest is up to them.
529
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,362
(whistle blows)
530
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,766
(boys yelling)
531
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,968
No...
532
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,406
*
533
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:11,411
Eat chalk, evildoer!
534
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,380
Oh, my God.
No.
535
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:16,283
We couldn't stop them
if we wanted to.
536
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:23,390
So you just left
the truck there
537
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,791
and ran all the way home?
538
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:26,726
Hey, you didn't see
the look on her face.
539
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,596
I'm kind of scared to even
go into work tomorrow.
540
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,565
You know, she does
have a turtle.
35526
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