All language subtitles for tkdssopbfdgs

There's a tornado watch
for a portion of West Texas.

Brian Chadwick is with
the county sheriff's office
in Sweetwater.

We're trying
to get the word out to the
community to brace themselves.

We hope this thing's
not gonna develop
into a real funnel...

but after Saragosa,
we're not taking
any chances.

The National Weather
Service says the storm
is moving northeast...

and with the exception of
some rain, it shouldn't affect
the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

That's news, sports and
weather. I'm Frank Castle
for KGAB talk radio news.

From the heart of
the Lone Star state,

it's time for Dallas'
most popular talk show,

Night Talk
with Barry Champlaign.

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

The KGAB phone lines are open
and ready for your call...

at 555-TALK.

And now your host
for Night Talk,
Barry Champlaign.

The worst news
of the night is that...

three of four people say
they'd rather watch TV than
have sex with their spouse.

The second worst news is
that some kids needed money
for crack last night,

so they stuck a knife
in the throat of an
80-year-old grandmother...

down on Euclid Avenue
right here in Dallas.

One night
in one American city.

Multiply that
by hundreds of cities
and what have you got?

A country where culture means
pornography and slasher films;

where ethics means payoffs,
graft, insider trading;

where integrity means lying,
whoring and intoxication.

This country is
in deep trouble, people.

This country is rotten
to the core and somebody
better do something about it.

Take your hand out of that
bowl of Fritos, throw away
your National Enquirer,

and pick up the phone,
hold it up to your face...

and dial 555-TALK.

Open your mouth and tell me
what we're gonna do about
the mess this country's in.

Talk radio-- it's the last
neighborhood in town.

People don't talk
to each other anymore.

Let's go to
the first caller.

A lot of problems with the
country today have a lot do...

with the continued exploitation
of the third world countries.

Wait. Third world
countries? Where'd you learn
that phrase, in college?

Do you know what it means?
You're getting
off the track.

We're not getting off the track,
we're getting on.

Josh, go back to college.
When you graduate,
give me a call.

A prime example of that
uniquely American institution:

the concerned
bleeding-heart liberal...

looking for people with
problems he can call his own.

- Francine in Oakline.
- I'm a transvestite.

I'm trying to save money
for an operation--

What interest do you think
your adventures in surgery
hold for my listeners?

It's something
I have to talk about.
I don't. Night Talk.

Let me put you on hold.
You slip some testosterone
into Barry's coffee?

The guy's possessed tonight.
He's a little tense.

Get outta here!

Sometimes I come
home from work and we have
dinner together, you know?

No, I don't know.
You have dinner at
the table with your cat?

With a tablecloth
and candles?
No, Barry.

Just her own plate
on the floor.
Good.

But we eat the same things.
Like if I have a pork chop,
she has a pork chop.

If I have a veal,
she has a veal.

Glenn, take my advice.

Stop hangin' around
with the pussy.
Go find some.

I'm listening, Michael.
What's up?

Yeah, I heard
your little advertisement
there for the pizza place.

Yeah, Jericho's Pizza.
I love that pizza.
Don't you like it?

You sound like
you'd love it.
I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.

What I wanted
to say to you tonight,
Mr. Champlaign, was...

I have an interest
in this place, or at least,
some friends of mine--

Just use one-syllables,
Billy, if it's difficult.
Oh, Michael.

Hey, smart guy.
Just use one-syllable--

Smart guy?
We're being-- Smart guy.

We got somebody with
a little lip on us tonight.

Hey.
Don't call me "Hey."

This is not a conversation.
This is a monologue.
I talk, you listen.

Understand me?
Oh, yeah, we're listening.

Yes? Go ahead.

I don't want you makin'
any more comments about
the pizza joint.

Do you have relatives
that run the place?
People gotta make money on this.

Uncle Vinnie or someone?
There are people--

You know what, Michael?
You're a meatball.

- Debbie in Highland Park.
- My name is Debbie.

Hello, Debbie.
How old are you?

I'm 23.
Uh-huh.

What do you do?
I don't do anything.

When was the last time
you did something?

I don't know.
A bout a month ago.

What'd you do a month ago?
I went swimmin'!

Mm-hmm.
What do you do for money?

I got my brother.
I haven't made any.

Debbie, you're a leech.

Don't you think it's time
you got off your duff,
started making money?

Well, not really.
I got everything I want.

But, Debbie,
what do you need?
Well--

What are you missing
that you need?
A guy. A boyfriend.

A guy? What do you have
to offer a guy?

Well--

I have nice,
shiny long hair--

A guy could buy
himself a wig.

You can tell I don't have a wig.
It never falls off.

You're terrific, darling.
But seriously, Debbie.

Aren't you shooting
for anything more in life
than looking for a free meal?

Not really.

You wanna lie around
till you find somebody
to take care of you.

Yeah.
You're dynamic, darling.

Rhonda from Garland on the line.
Rhonda, you're on Night Talk.

Barry, I want to
express my views--

What are you doing, Steve?
Looking at this Dietz guy.

...up in New York City, givin'
out needles to drug addicts.

They have to do it
to stop AIDS.
Clean needles help.

It's immoral
for the government
of this country--

tax dollars to be
goin' to addicts.

But it's all right
for our tax dollars,
four billion of them,

to go into a system
that's a complete joke.

More drugs than ever
are coming into this country.

Our courts, our jails
are clogged with cases.

The other night up in
New York City, crack dealers
killed another cop.

Any kid who wants
a hit can get one.
That's right.

When are we gonna
wake up, Rhonda?

When are we going to admit
that drug prohibition is not
working in this country?

I think--
Know what I think?

I think we should
legalize all drugs,
as sinister as that sounds.

That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard.
Is it?

A junkie could go
to a drugstore,
More stuff, Laura.

sign his name,
get the stuff for a buck...

then he doesn't have to
rob or kill for his habit.
Thanks, Ellen.

You cannot let children
have drugs.

Why not?
They're gonna get it anyway.
Why not?

In America today we're
talking about shooting up
in the eighth grade.

We have a moral obligation
to the children.

Know what the most
dangerous drug is?

It's heroin.
No, it's legal.

It's tobacco.
It kills 350,000 people a year.

You know how much coke, crack,
heroin, pot kill every year?

Four thousand people.
Will you listen to sense?
Hello? Let me check.

Will you listen to logic,
please?

The only people who benefit
from prohibition...

are the gangsters
makin' the money on it,

the politicians
condemning it
and gettin' your vote.

And who foots the bill?
You, Rhonda Q. Sucker!

I beg your pardon!
It would end tomorrow.

The $200 billion drug problem
in this country could
disappear overnight.

Legalize the damn stuff.
Do it today,
right after this message.

I'm Barry Champlaign.
This is Night Talk.

We're gonna go to a message.
I'll be right back
after I shoot up.

Who's the schlub?

Barry, Dan and I wanted
to tell you before the show
we have some good news.

Barry?
Dan, I can't talk right now.
I gotta take a leak.

I'll catch you later,
okay?

Stu, cool it with the baseball
calls and the transvestites.
How's the lines?

I got five
hanging on already.
Give me 45.

You got it.
Barry, I'd like you
to meet Chuck Dietz,

V.P. in charge
of advertising,
MetroWave, Chicago.

Really?
Very nice to meet you.
It's my pleasure.

I've been reading all
your press clippings...

and listening to tapes
of your shows for weeks.

- And?
- And you're really something.

You're very funny.
I try to amuse.

I'm in the middle of a show.
I've gotta move it along.
Genius at work.

MetroWave's picking up
the show starting Monday,
linking it to a national feed.

Some people at Humphrey's Coffee
want to sponsor
the show nationally.

We're at cold:30, Bar.

Wait a minute.
The show's going national
starting Monday night?

When did this happen?

- Don't I get a say in this?
You know about this?
- Yeah.

Dan--
We didn't know anything
about it until tonight.

No sense getting
you all excited
until it panned out.

Chuck is here to be the eyes
and ears of MetroWave,
so to speak.

- So to speak.
- Fifteen, Bar.

Why don't you go ahead.
We can talk later.

We got a hot show.
We're talking Larry King
here-- coast to coast.

It's always
a hot show, Dan.
Stu, find me a catheter.

Extra hot. We'll get
a contract for six months.
Jawohl.

You're listening to
the best talk in Texas.

Barry Champlaign on KGAB.
You know about this?

Yeah. Chill, will you,
Barry? The bucks
don't suck. Stand by.

555-TALK.
Yo.

MetroWave Broadcasting
is a giant media corporation...

specializing
in broadcast radio.

It has 357
affiliate stations...

in the United States
and Canada.

Two minutes ago
I received a phone call...

from the man who controls
those 357 stations--

the president of
MetroWave Broadcasting.

He asked me if MetroWave
could pick up this show,

pick up Barry Champlaign
for national syndication,
beginning Monday night.

I've had
these offers before,

and I've been asked
in the past if I could
ever soften my touch,

go a little easier,
and my answer has
always been the same:

Take it or leave it.

He took it.

And so,
beginning Monday night,

this show, Night Talk,
begins national broadcasting.

That means the nation
is listening.

You better have something
to say. I know I do.

And we have Chet from Mesquite
on the line.

Hello, Chet.
Hello?

You think you're so smart.
Hello?

Why are you always talkin'
about the drugs and niggers...

and homos and Jews?

Isn't there anything
else to talk about?
You know what I hate?

I hate people who tell me
what they don't wanna
talk about.

You don't wanna talk
about blacks and gays,
why'd you bring them up?

Sounds like you like
talking about them.

Tell me what
you wanna talk about,
or get off the phone.

Why don't you start
telling the truth?
About what?

You know.
People behind your show,
people who pay the bills.

Talking about
the sponsors now.
Don't you act dumb with me.

What kind of a name
is Champlaign?

I want you to cancel my
plane reservations for tonight.
You changed it?

I'm gonna come in tomorrow.
Maybe because
it sounded too Jewish.

Call Freddie.
Tell him to call me tomorrow.
Change the name, get a nose job,

same old story.
Chet, come on!

He started out a bit shaky.
Your attitude
reminds me of a story.

Last summer
I visited Germany.

Wanted to take a look
at Hitler's homeland.

Are you familiar
with Adolf Hitler, Chet?

I'm familiar
with Adolf Hitler.

I bet you are.

I decided to visit the remains
of a concentration camp
on the outskirts of Munich:

Dachau.

You join a tour group,
go out by bus, get out at
the gate. It's chilling.

A sign over the gate says,
"Arbeit Macht Frei."

It means, "Work will make
you free"-- something the
Nazis told their prisoners.

You still listening
to me, Chet?
I'm counting your lies.

Good.
I wanna make sure
you're hearing them.

I'm walking around this
concentration camp, and I see
something on the ground.

I picked it up.
Guess what I found, Chet?

A tiny Star of David.
Very old.

Who knows?
It might've belonged to one
of the prisoners at the camp.

Maybe a small boy
torn from his parents...

as they were dragged off
to the slaughterhouse.

I kept that Star of David.

I know I shouldn't have,
but I did. I keep it
right here on my console.

I like to hold it
sometimes.

In fact, well...
I'm holding it right now.

I like to hold it in my hand
to give me courage.

Maybe some of the courage
that small boy had as he
faced unspeakable evil...

can enter me as I face
the trials in my own life...

as I face the cowardly
and the narrow-minded.

The bitter, bigoted people
who hide behind anonymous
phone calls...

full of hatred
and poisonous bile.

The gutless,
spineless people...

like you, Chet,
who make me puke!

Keep talkin', Jew boy.
Life is short.

Stu, let's send
a microwave oven out to Chet.

And we have Kent on the line.
Yeah, Kent?

I need help.
Shoot.

I like to party
with my girlfriend.

How old are you?
Nineteen.

How old's your girlfriend?
Seventeen.

Okay, go ahead.
So we like to party,
you know?

When you're partying,
where are your parents?
On a vacation.

He's so excited about it.
Look at him.

I think it's Fiji.
Is that right?

Is there a place called Fiji?
Excuse me. I'm gonna
take care of some stuff.

Your parents are on vacation
in a place called Fiji,
and you're partying.

Yeah, that's what I wanted
to ask you about, Bar.

See, we've been partying
for a couple of days.
Uh-huh.

Smokin' coke, crack.

Free-base.

Sounds pretty sordid, Kent.
You've been smoking crack
with your girlfriend.

What else you been up to?
Drinkin'.

Mm-hmm.
I don't know.

I drank a bottle
of 100-proof whiskey yesterday
'cause I was gettin' paranoid.

Jill was doin' some acid
with some Valium.

It was--

Kent,
you need to call a doctor,
have your stomach pumped.

Let me give you
a number to call.
That's why I'm callin' you.

Why?
It's Jill.

She's been sleepin'
a long time--
No, no, no.

She's been sleepin'
and she won't wake up.

Don't waste my time with
this baloney. When you get
outta detox, give me a call.

She's turnin' blue.
She's turning blue?

Great. Just give Stu
your address and we'll
send an ambulance there now.

Give Stu your address,
we'll send an ambulance
in two minutes.

I can't! I can't!
I'm gonna get your address.
Kent, hello?

Hello?

I'm really glad people
like Kent are out there
and I'm inside here.

We're gonna go to
a little commercial break now.

Whoo-whee!
Jericho's Pizza, down Route 111
at the Jericho Turnpike.

They got pizza you'll
never forget. One slice, you
don't have to eat for a week.

I saw a guy in there combing
his hair with his stuff off
the plate. Jericho's Pizza.

We have the news and weather
coming up, then we'll be back
with more Night Talk.

Here's your mail.
You read it.

What's the problem tonight?
Fight with the old lady?

No, there's no problems.
Throwing me some
real curveballs.

What's wrong with
curveballs, Bar?
Some call.

It's a hoax.
How can you be sure?

A hoax.
Stu, who's this Henry?
You didn't give me this.

Who's Denise
from Fort Worth?
I didn't get that.

- Maybe Laura
should take the calls.
- These people were stiffs.

You want stiffs,
I'll give you stiffs.
No, Stu.

I don't want stiffs.
Am I speaking English?
Read my lips.

Keep the show moving,
give me stuff I can work with.

You having trouble
understanding me?
No, I'm not having trouble.

As a matter of fact,
I read you loud and clear.

Good!

Barry?

Barry.

Honey, just relax.
Everything's under control.

It's my ass on the line,
not yours.

All you have to do
is just be nice.

Okay?
Just for tonight.

You be nice, Laura.
It's what you're good at.

You're not gonna lose
even with a 15--

Jerry, I'm gonna
put you on hold.
Something wrong, Barry?

I can't work with him
breathing down my neck.
I want him out now!

I have your contract right here.
Why don't you take it
and look it over.

You dump it on me the Friday
before it's gonna happen.

You stick some putz
in the middle of my studio.

I feel like I'm auditioning
for my own job!

Barry, calm down.
You don't care.

Just stick me out there,
see how it goes.

Doesn't work out, flush Barry
down the toilet, right?

You're not gonna get me
to apologize for getting
you a slot on national radio.

I worked very hard on this deal,
and I'm happy with it.

If you're not,
we tear up the contract,

we don't do
the MetroWave hookup.

Big mistake, guy. I think
it's worth the gamble because
I think the show is good.

Barry, you are good.
And it will blow them away
everywhere it's heard.

Dietz goes with the deal.
Grin and bear it.

You do your job,
I'll do mine.

Did you run Sani Clean
before the news?

Yes, I did.
You up with your log?

There's a Harry's,
a Firestone, a logo.
They're all on track.

Good.
Don't let it get to you.
It's been a strange night.

There's nothing strange
about it. How long you
been working here?

Four months.
How long you been
sleeping with him?

Listen, Ellen.
I was gonna cheer you up.

MetroWave, the network,
is picking up the show.
We're going national.

Oh, my God.
In Chicago too?
Yeah, in Chicago too.

It's not that simple--
You must be so excited!

Yeah, of course
I'm excited.

We got this character
here from the company
keeping an eye on me.

I'll be right off the phone.
Ellen, will you tell him
you're talking to me?

I like this stuff.
Nights like tonight
are what it's all about.

You either get used to it
or you get lost.

That's what his wife did-- left
him. So did the two producers
who were here before you.

But big Stu stayed,
didn't he?

I don't have to take his
shit. I'm not his wife.
You're not, but I am.

This is not the best time
for me to talk.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry I'm calling so late.

- It's just that This is important.
- Barry, 20!

I need your help with something.
I never ask you
for anything and--

Barry--

Can you come to Dallas
over the weekend, till Tuesday?

What?
I need someone here
I can trust. It's--

- It's important.
- Damn it! Come on!

I don't think
he's gonna let me.
Forget it.

Forget it.
Don't come.

He answered,
"The night he didn't come home."

- No, that happened all the time.
- Ellen?

I'm thinking, okay?

Five, Bar.

All right. Sunday?
You pick me up at the airport.
Strap in, Bar.

Yeah, I'll be there.
Here we go.

- Look, I gotta go. Bye.
- You're listening
to the best talk in Texas.

The phone lines are open,
and your calls
are invited now...

at 555-TALK.

Bob, what a relief.
How you doing tonight?

Terrific.
Very well, thank you.

I hope you're not
gonna get too busy
to take my calls.

No show is complete
without your call.
How are the legs?

They're fine--
an ache or two.
But you know what I say?

When they give you lemons,
make lemonade.

You can't cry
over spilled milk.
Cry, and you cry alone.

You can't lose
what you never had.

Because you don't know
what you got until you lost it.

So don't lose hope.
This too shall pass.

Because today is the first day
of the rest of your life.

Yeah, and it's
always darkest before dawn.
Bob, could I just--

People think that life
in a wheelchair must be
the worst thing in the world.

That's not the way
I look at it.

I imagine the worst thing
in the world would be...

bein' unthankful
for all the good things
that come our way every day.

The smiles on little children,
flowers bloomin',

little birds chirpin',
sittin' on the buddin' branches
on a bright spring day.

Why, hell,
just the sun comin' up
every day is a miracle.

I couldn't agree with you more,
especially that part
about the sun.

We get bogged down
in our daily troubles and we
forget about the simple things.

Oh, I forgot one more thing
to be thankful for.

What's that?
The Barry Champlaign show.

Thank you, Bob.
Listen, we gotta run.

Know you can't, but we can.
So God bless you--
One more thing.

Don't put all your eggs
in one basket.
A bird in the hand--

- Good night. And we have--
- Debbie, you still there?

- Turn your radio down.
Stop crying.
- Well, I'm black.

Good for you.
What do you want? A medal?

Well, no, I don't. Don't play
with me like them other people.

I want you to know...

that I enjoy listening
to your show, and I want
to say, I like you Jews.

Well, I like you blacks.
I think everyone should own one.

What I mean to say is,

Uh-huh.
I have many friends
who are Jewish.

Really? How many?
Well, three or four.

I wouldn't
call that "many."
They're very nice people.

They're educated
and they're good in business.

John, I don't know how to break
this to you, but you'll never
get in the B'nai B'rith.

You're black. Don't you know
how Jews feel about blacks?

They hate you! They see
you schwartzes on the street,
they cross to the other side.

You know those slums
in south Dallas where the rats
eat babies for breakfast?

Jews own those slums!
What do you mean, I love Jews?
Are you some kind of Uncle Tom?

What the hell
you know about Uncle Tom?
I think brotherhood--

I don't care what you think!
No one does!

You wanna know why?
Because you're trying
to kiss the master's butt.

What?
You call me up, try to get deep
on how much you love Jews.

You're lying. You hate them.
You hate me!

I don't kiss nobody's butt!
Sure you do!
You kiss my butt.

You're kissing my butt
right now. If you weren't,
you'd hang up on me.

I don't wanna
hang up on you!
Then I'll do you the favor.

Night Talk.
Debbie, you're on.

Barry?
Mm-hmm.

This is Debbie again.

Oh, Debbie. Right.

She of the long hair,
my zombie queen, my fantasy.

How are you, my belle?
Bad.

I've been thinkin' about
what you said.

- I wanna ask you somethin'.
- Yeah?

What's wrong with me?
What?

Chet's back. You've had
Debbie on twice. I don't
think you should take the call.

Barry?
I can handle it.
Just shoot it to me.

This is too important.
I'm not gonna jump through hoops
tonight just because of this--

Please,
tell him to put it on.

Yeah, Debbie, look,
you should see the shape I'm in.

I mean, nothing a good
plastic surgeon or a glass
of cyanide wouldn't fix.

I mean, you're young.
You got your whole life
ahead of you.

Why don't I go anywhere?

Well, you gotta
stand up first.

I mean, every journey
begins with a single step.

You gotta go for it,
pumpkin.

Me and Linda used to go out,
but she moved to Houston.

Yeah-- Heh!
Listen, Debbie, Debbie.

You got two arms
and two legs?
Yeah.

Are you blind?
No.

- You got a belly button?
- Yeah.

Two belly buttons?
No, I got one.

Are you sure?
Have you looked lately?

Yeah. I got one.
You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be just fine.

And we have...
Chet from Mesquite on the line.
Chet?

So now everyone in the country
can hear your big mouth flap.

Chet, so nice
to hear from you again.

Shouldn't you be out
burning crosses
or molesting children?

I'd rather be talking to you.
How about training
pit bulls?

Think you're so smart.

You get the package
I sent down to the station?

Package?

You got it, I know you did.
You sent me a present?

I couldn't decide whether
to use a timer or not.

You'll have to find that out
when you open it.

You're telling me
you sent me a bomb in the mail?

Wrapped in brown paper.
I know you're lookin' at it
right now.

You just take some C-4,

roll it in a pile
of nuts and bolts and pebbles,
and it does the job.

- Sounds interesting, Chet.
- I didn't receive your package.

Sure you sent it
to the right address?
You got it.

If I were you,
I'd have my pretty assistant
give the police a call.

Take the bomb squad
ten minutes to get there.

Why should I call
the bomb squad, Chet?

Because some pinheaded
redneck moron tells me
there's a bomb in my mail?

He who laughs last--

Shut up!

Night Talk.
Denise, you're on.

I'm scared, Barry.
What are you scared of,
babe?

Nothin' specifically,
but on the other hand...

it's like everywhere I go--

Mm-hmm. Yeah?

Barry, you know,
we've got...

a garbage disposal
in our kitchen sink.
Yeah, it's fine.

Tell Dan my mail
is my business.

This is not funny.
You tell Dan
my mail is my business.

You know how that feels
when you have to reach
down there into that gook...

and put your hand around?

Who knows what
could be down there?

Dan, I hope you're not
calling the cops. If you are,
I'm gonna get really pissed off.

Get off the phone
or I walk.

There's germs
you can't even see.
Don't waste my time, man.

Hang it or I walk!
They grow there.

Hang it up!
They come back
up the pipes.

Salmonella, yeast, cancer, even
the common cold. Who knows?

But, Barry, even without
all of that, what if--

and I'm just sayin'
what if--

what if that disposal came on
while your hand was down there?

And it goes
around and around--
Denise, tell me something.

You're telling me that you're
afraid of the garbage disposal
in your mother's kitchen?

Well, it's not just
the garbage disposal.

I like things
to be clean, Barry.

How often does
this happen?

Couple times since
I've been here.

Like the houses on our street.
Used to be we knew
who lived on our street.

But that was years ago.
Now all different kinds
of people live here--

foreigners,
people with accents.

Are they sanitary?
Why don't you ask
one of them?

That would be
a nice idea to just go
to somebody's house...

and knock on their door,

but what if a serial murderer
lived there?

What if Ted Bundy
lived there?

What if he was sittin' inside
watchin' television,
and I came to the door?

"Why, you just come right on
in here, Denise," he'd say.

That's why I don't go to
strange people's houses anymore.

I keep the doors locked
at all times, but that's
not gonna solve anything.

You're not gonna stop a plane
from crashin' onto your house,
are you?

No.
The mailman brings me
unsolicited mail.

The postage stamp could've been
licked by somebody with AIDS.

My mother's a threat
to my life just by persistin'
to go out there.

- Out where?
Where does your mother go?
- Barry--

Barry, did you know
there's this terrible
dust storm in California?

It has these
fungus spores in it,
and these spores...

get into people's lungs
and their bloodstream...

and it grows,
and then it kills them.

Strange air.
Strange air, Barry.

Oh, I hear my mother's key
in the door.

Strange air.
Well, uh--

That about wraps up
another thrilling episode
with the man you love to love.

Gotta go home now,
take care of the goldfish.

Stay tuned, 'cause Monday's
when Night Talk begins
national syndication,

allowing the good folks
of Dallas to have
verbal intercourse...

with the rest of the U.S.A.

But don't go away yet.

If you've got
any psychological problems
or you're just plain suicidal,

Dr. Sheila Fleming is here,
and she'll be glad to give you
some dubious advice.

Or if you're just a levelheaded,
happy, normal person,
you can turn the radio off.

Until Monday,
this is Barry Champlaign
reminding you that...

sticks and stones can
break your bones, but words
cause permanent damage.

♪ Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad ♪

It's time
to strap him up and wheel him
a way for his weekend therapy.

But Barry Champlaign
will be back with more
Night Talk Monday...

on KGAB, Dallas.

- Barry, my man.
- What's happenin'?

The coach is here.
You're gonna say a few words
and then give him the cup,

and then he's
gonna talk.
Yeah.

Now, you're gonna be
introduced by Mel
in the booth.

Got it.
You hear the show last night?

A great show.
Great show.

Listen,
I never got that autographed
picture that you promised...

so I can hang it
in my restaurant.

You were supposed to send it
over three weeks ago.
It slipped my mind.

Slipped your mind?
What mind? What could be
more important than that Dino?

I'll send it over
first thing tomorrow.
Don't go to any trouble.

No trouble.
Where is he?

There he is.

Stick around.
You are the greatest, Barry!
All right.

See you.
See you later.

He's a great guy,
huh?
Of course he is.

He thinks you're God.
What bit you
in the ass?

You're pissed 'cause I tell you
to get a picture for the guy,
which is your job.

I'm pissed because you haven't
said two words to me all week
except to boss me around.

We work together.
That's the deal. I'm the boss.
I boss you around.

- It's more than that. It's like
you're always angry with me.
- Excuse me.

You're Barry Champlaign,
aren't you?
Yeah.

Can I have an autograph?
Thanks.
Sure thing.

Hi.
Hi.

Here you go.
Thanks a lot.

I love your show.

Okay, see you later.

Back in the cage.

I used to listen to your show
when I was in high school.

- I'm supposed to be doing
my homework, and--
- Barry?

You wanna make it out
to Joe Bob, please?
Sure.

You should have called.
I would have come
and tucked you in.

Thanks, Barry.
God bless.

God bless you,
Joe Bob.

The show going national
is important.
Let's work together.

Just be a little more careful
around this guy Dietz.

This is a big thing,
Barry.

Right.
I'm not greasing
my way up a pole.

I resent it that when I talk
to you like your producer...
All right.

you treat me
like a girlfriend,

and when I talk to you
like your girlfriend,
you treat me like your wife.

I'm not following the drift
of this conversation.

We work together,
we sleep together.
That's it.

I didn't know when we started
seeing each other I was
enrolling in a self-help course.

If I'm angry,
that's who I am.

For better or for worse,
that's what got me
where I am today.

If you think it's tough
on the outside, just be
thankful you weren't born me.

I've gotta be out of my mind
picking a fight with you.

You a little moody today?
Is that the problem?

Excuse me. Are you
Mr. Barry Champlaign?

Uh, maybe.

Could I have
your autograph?
Sure, sure.

You do a great job
on the show.

I couldn't do
it without you.
Thank you.

I listen to your show
all the time.

I think you're a sick,
foul-mouthed,
disgusting man,

and you make people
really nauseous
365 days a year.

It just goes to show what
masochists people are,
they listen 365 days a year.

I don't know why they leave
your show on the air.
Let's get outta here.

Everybody I know hates it.
It makes me wanna
throw my radio out.

Let's go.
If you don't like the show,
why do you listen?

'Cause I'm waitin' for a better
program that's on later.

Waiting for another program?
There are 30 other shows
on in Dallas.

You listen to
my show every night.
Makes sense.

I feel real sorry for you,
and I think you should be
ashamed of yourself.

- You're such a pathetic nerd.
- I should be ashamed?

At least I don't show up in
public, half in the bag, making
an utter jerk out of myself.

You have no credibility.
You like what I do.
You need me.

But you have no sense of humor,
which is why you can
never enjoy the show,

which is why you're a loser,
like all people who have
no sense of humor.

And you are categorically
one of them. Good-bye.

- Furthermore--
- Lady, what the
hell is the matter with you?

What'd you do?
What happened to your suit?
Jesus.

All right,
you're gonna be fine.

Come on. Let's go.

All of us are here for
something very important
and exciting at S.M.U.,

and I think you know
what I'm talking about.

Who's ready for
a new beginning? How about
Mustang football this fall?

That's what I thought.

Now-- Now, to introduce
the new man in charge
of football here at S.M.U.,

our own KGAB radio personality--
the man you love to love--

ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Barry Champlaign!

Thank you. On my way
over here tonight, I--

I was finding out that--

They love me.
They really love me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's calm down.

A different kind of welcome
than I've ever experienced.

Barry?

Barry!

Barry.

Hello?
Laura, it's Dan.
Is Barry there?

Hang on a second.

It's Dan.
Hmm?

Did I wake you up?
I'm sorry.

No, I always get up ten hours
before I have to go to work.

It's Sunday, your day off
from self-loathing.

You said you didn't want
Dietz breathing down your neck,
so we had a drink.

He's a sharp guy. Loves you,
loves the show. You should sit
down with him, have a chat.

Is he gonna give
you orders now?

I figured you'd look at it
that way, so I set up
a meeting for Sunday brunch.

What?
He's got some
great ideas, Bar.

The guy wouldn't know an idea
if it crawled on his kneecap.

Just hold your horses
for one minute.

Chuck and I decided before
we hit national air we should
establish a few ground rules.

Ground rules?
What is this, Dan?
A radio station or an airport?

Will you shut the fuck up
and listen?
No, I won't listen to you.

I knew that when that
corporate cannibal came
into my studio I was in trouble.

What difference
does it make to you?
It's just a show, right?

Are you saying I don't care?
Nobody cares more than I do.
I don't wanna hear it.

I'm gonna come in
tomorrow night, I'm gonna do
the same show I do every night.

And blow the deal.
If it means that, yes.

I do my show, or I don't
do a show. Good-bye.

You f--

I gotta take a piss.

- Hello?
- Is Barry there?

Who's calling, please?
Look, I'm in a rush.
Could you just get Barry?

Barry, phone again!
It's a woman!

Get her number.
I'll call her back.
He'll call you back.

It's a pay phone.
I can't call you back.
Who is this?

Look, just tell Barry
it's his ex-wife.
Huh!

It's a pay phone.
She can't you call back.
It's your ex-wife.

Shit.

Give me that. Ellen, hi.
I'm down at the airport.
Remember?

What airport?
Dallas. What do you think?
It's Sunday.

You told me to be here.
Uh, well, great.

Are you too busy,
or are you coming to get me?

Yeah. No, I'm not busy.
I'm just doing some work here.

Who answered the phone?
I thought you said
you were alone.

It's just my secretary.
Look, Ellen,
what airline are you on?

American Airlines.
Maybe I should just leave.

No, you stay there.
I'll see you in 20 minutes,
okay?

You better be here.
Yeah, I'll see you
in 20 minutes.

Are you all right?
I'm fine.
I'll see you in 20 minutes.

Okay. See ya. Bye.

I gotta get her now.

Where are my shoes?

What?
Don't give me that look.

Hey.

Hey, come here.
She wants to be here
for the national show.

What am I supposed to do?
Say no? Huh?

What did Dan want?

Wants me to come in
and kiss Dietz's ass.

I told him
to kiss my microphone.

Look, uh--

Can you clean up
around here a bit
before you go? Huh?

Where's my shoes?

I'll call you later,
okay?

- You look nice.
- Thanks.

You look great.
You look good too.

Except for my wrinkled clothes.
Except for--
I miss you, so what?

So what have you been doing?
I hate when you call me
in the middle of the night.

Lou is so pissed off at me,
I had a fight.

I had a fight at the end
of this with Lou.
You're too good for Lou.

Don't start, Barry.
Barry, don't start.

You been going
to a health club?
You're such a jerk.

Excuse me?
You been going to
a health club or something?

Why?
You look dynamite.

I left you.
I look dynamite
'cause I left you.

Jesus. I spend time,
a little, on my own self.

I'm working too.
I'm not at someone's
beck and call.

Ellen this, Ellen that.
I want this, I want that.

I may not have worked for you--
You just have to bring him food.
Is that basically it?

Don't start.
"Bring me another plate
of spaghetti."

You're such
a troublemaker.

Why doesn't he go
to the health club?
Probably can't fit in the door.

He does. Barry!

Hey, I have no bad feelings
about Lou.

I'm glad he's so lucky.

You know,
I'm glad that somebody's
treating you nice for a change.

I have some time for myself.
It's kinda, you know, it's--

When I was with you,
I spent so much time
taking care of you,

and Lou sometimes
even takes care of me.

Um--

I don't know.
It's a different lifestyle.

You're like a carnival,

and he's more like
homogenized milk.

Why are you staring at me?

I miss you.

I miss you too.

What's this hold
you have on me?

Love.

I'm sorry.
I'm not supposed to say stuff
like that. I forgot.

Barry,
what do you want me to do?
Fall in love with you again?

Is that what this is about?
I don't want you
doing anything.

I mean, you're here.
That's all I--
I'm happy that you're here.

I-- I don't know--
I have to go
at the end of the day...

or tomorrow...

and I can't keep coming
back and forth.

I-- You know,
you've got success.

You know, the most
important thing is, you've
got to start loving yourself.

You got that. You are good.
You are wonderful.

Now, feel it and know
you have to have a life.

Find someone
with a soul.
Mm-hmm.

Don't just fall in love
with some girl's body.

I mean, you do
like a girl's body,
didn't you?

The only problem was
I got caught.
Yeah, what can you do?

Maybe you should've stayed
at your mom's that day.

Tony, keep the taper nice
and tight around the waist.

Judge wants to look hot
for his old lady.

Don't you think these lapels
are too much for an
awards ceremony?

Judge, everyone's gonna
be wearing these lapels
by this time next year.

Wait and see.
You need a shirt
to go with that.

What do you think about
that referendum coming up?

I was gonna ask you
the same question.
Perfect.

Throwin' this in free of charge.
Gift from me and Teddy.
Very kind of you.

Judge, you bring out
the woman in me.
You're gorgeous.

Hey, good-looking.

Tony, why don't you
show the judge back
to the dressing rooms.

I'll just take
this up for you.
Thank you.

Been out shopping?
Buy any see-through undies?
Uh-huh.

I thought we'd have
lunch together.

Love to, babe.
Having lunch with the judge.

He's gonna help me out with
that zoning variance
for the nightclub.

Okay, work's important.
What about dinner?

I can't.
Moe Thompson's stag party.

City Council president.
Come on.

Make sure there are
no women.
Hey.

Tomorrow night, you and me,
dinner, just the two of us.
The Caprice?

Promise? Flowers?
Mariachi bands?
I promise. Tablecloths.

Barry.
Music. What, Vince?

Someone you gotta meet. Guess
who this is. Go ahead, guess.
What, Vince?

I have no idea.
Your Cousin Al.

No. What a joker.
Jeff, say something.

What is this,
performing seal time?
Cut another caller off.

You're history. Ptt!
You're on Talk of the town.

You're Jeff Fisher.

In my store. I can't
believe it. I listen
to your show all the time.

You're great, man.
You look different
than I thought.

- You thought I'd be 6'2",
in spurs?
- Yeah.

This is my wife, Ellen.
Nice to meet you.

Yeah, the craziest people
call in that show.

I think of calling
myself sometimes.

You're too shy, right?
I can tell.

Don't I listen
all the time?
He thinks you're God.

Thank you, sir.
Wish we had your picture.
We could put it up.

I'll send you one.
You've got quite a voice.

Voice?
You ever do radio?

I've thought of
doing some radio.
Only came in for a second.

I gotta run.
Listen, Vince,
send the jacket to my home.

- Uh-- Uh--
What's your name?
- Barry. Barry Golden. Yeah.

Anytime you're
in the neighborhood,
stop by the station.

Love to show you around,
let you say a couple of words,
Yeah, sure.

sell some suits,
plug the store.

My secretary'll send
the picture. Don't forget
the sleeves. Nice meeting you.

Bye-bye!
Bye!

The topic is
fantasy love affairs.

Who would you like to have
a love affair with?

We're here with
our good friend, Barry.
What's your name this week?

Barry Champlaign, man.
Barry Champlaign,
man, is here,

and he has said
"his wife."
Mm-hmm.

These are supposed to be
famous people,

unless your wife's gotten around
a lot more than I think she has.

Come on. Your wife's
not listening, okay?

Who would you really like
to get up close
and personal with?

Marie Osmond, I think,
is very sexy.
That's one for Marie Osmond.

In black leather, yeah.
The studio fish is blushing.

She is sex incarnate, man.
She's a Mormon, isn't she?

Mormons believe in bigamy.
Marie, I want to marry you
right now.

Come down to the station.
I want you, Marie.

Okay! We'll take
another caller. Yeah,
you're on Talk of the town.

Yeah, you know what I think?
You two are a couple of liberal pinkos.

That's what I think.
Are you two homos?
Is that what you are?

You know what you are,
my friend, you are history.

Wait.
The caller has a point.

It's true, sir,
indeed, Jeff Fisher
and I are lovers.

Have been for the last
15 years. In fact, we're
holding hands right now.

Probably nigger lovers too.
Yeah, what race
are you, sir?

I'm white,
and I'm proud of it.

As one white man to another,
let me ask you a question.

Do you know how much
white Americans spend
every year on suntan lotion?

$165 million!

That's a lot of money to spend
just to turn brown.

You know why they
wanna turn brown?
Jeff, do you know why?

Let's take another caller.
This is an
interesting question.

They wanna turn brown
because they secretly
want to be black.

You know why
they wanna be black?
These and other questions--

Because they feel
sexually inferior.

You're a smart-mouth homo.
That's what you are.

Okay, okay.
You're an inbred throwback--

Ha-hoo!
It's a Texas rodeo, yes indeed.
We'll hose 'em down...

and be right back
after this commercial break.

When I say "cut,"
you stop talking.

We've been through this before.
You're fun and the audience
likes you,

but I'm not gonna lose
my license over this shit.

Why would you lose
your license?

- It's called Standards and Prac--
- Jeff, pick up seven.

Thank you.
Standards and Practices.
You ever heard of it? Yeah?

Oh, he's funny, yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah, sure.

Sells suits.

Tomorrow at 10:00?

I'll ask him.
Hold on.

Can you come in
tomorrow morning,
meet the boss at 10:00?

- What for?
- What I would do is...

have a swimming pool
and a sauna--

Boring. Come on,
you could do better than that.

Line four. Nancy, what would
you do with a million bucks?

Barry,
I just love your show.

Send me your measurements
and a nude photograph,
and I'll get back to you.

Line one, Frank in Grapevine.
Yeah, Frank?

I'm a Chicano--
Good for you. I'm a Jew.

Now, this is serious, dude.
Wrong show.

Look, Stu, I don't think
we've had a decent answer to
this question all night long.

Now, come on, people,
you gotta give me a good answer,

Yeah, hold on.
or I'm gonna punish ya.

Okay, let's go to--

Let's go to--
Here, talk to Barry.
Come on. Talk to Barry.

Line one, you're on.
Say something, anything.
Ready? Say something.

Say something.
Uh, yeah,
this is Cheryl Ann.

What are you gonna do
with a million bucks,
Cheryl Ann?

If I had a million bucks,
I would buy my own
radio transmitter...

and start my own
talk show,

so I wouldn't have to listen
to your voice.

If you hate my voice so much,
why don't you change
the station?

I can't.
Why not.

I'm in prison, and the warden
picks the shows we listen to.

Good.
You're lying.
You love my voice.

I hate your voice.
You love my voice.

It's a love-hate situation.
You can't get enough
of my voice.

Come on. Admit it.
You're full of it!

If you don't
love my voice, then hang up.
Come on. Hang up.

You love me. Come on.
Hang up. Hang up!

I hate you,
Barry Champlaign!

Beautiful. I love it.

Not good enough. Folks,
you let me down once again.

For that,
you must be punished.

This is the Bee Gees,
and this one's going out
to you, Cheryl Ann,

singing "Saturday Night Fever"
ten times in a row.

Best call we've had in
a couple of weeks, I swear.

That was great, honey.
We gotta get Cheryl Ann
calling more often.

They're eating this stuff up,
Barry. See that piece
in the paper today?

The thing about me
looking for a bodyguard?
Great publicity.

You want this ten times
in a row, seriously?

No, make it three times.
I'll be back in a minute.

Three it is.
Beautiful show. I love it.

♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪

- ♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪♪
- In here?

Ooh.

That was great.
The kiss or the call?

Dan just gave me
some good news.

I'm getting
the 10:00 a.m. slot.

He's hiring a producer
just for my own show.

Oh, Barry,
that's wonderful.
Yeah. You wanna do it?

Huh?
You'd be the best person
to do it.

You're smart, you're
hardworking, you do
everything I tell you to do.

Um, Barry, I think you
better get someone else.

I don't think
it's a good idea.
It's a great idea.

Come on.
You gotta do it.

No, I don't think so.
Do it. Come on.
I need you.

Barry, if I work for you,
the fun would go out it,
you know?

There'd be a lot of tension.
It might even screw up
our marriage.

Fuck our marriage.
Come on. This is important.
I need you.

Don't you want the show
to be as good as it can be?
Aren't you behind me?

You gotta be joking.
Of course I'm not joking.

You just said,
"Fuck our marriage."

I'm joking.

This is getting really boring.
I'm gonna switch it, all right?

I just thought that--

Forget it.

I'm very proud of you.

It's wonderful for you.

Come on. Okay?

Hmm?
Come on. Okay?

Barry?

Baby, I don't wanna go
in the sink.

Yeah! In the sink!

I don't wanna go
in the sink.

Oh-ho!
Hi, Ellen!

Hi, Stu.

- Are you having a party?
- Yeah, a sink party.

Oh, uh, hi, hon.
My mother wasn't feeling well,
so I decided to come home.

Ellen, I thought you
and your mother were--

uh--
Eh--

Um, what--

what are you two up to?

- Look, I better go out
and come back in.
- Barry, come back.

You cut me off!

Hey, Theresa, come here.
Come with Stuey,

and have a Stuey sandwich
with Mimi and Stuey.

You want one?

No.

He became a millionaire.
How about that?

Brings back memories.

A lot of changes.
I'm nicer,
I make more money...

and I only hang up
on one out of seven.

...with Dallas'
own Mr. Popularity,
Barry Champlaign.

I'm Sidney Greenberg,
reminding you that it's
not how much you take,

it's how much
you take home.

Hey!

How's Chicago?
You look great.
Great.
You look great too.

Ellen, what are you
doing here?

I couldn't miss
Barry's premiere.

Yeah, we only have
a couple of minutes.
You mind if I steal Barry?

You know where the green room
is. Have a cup of coffee.
We'll catch up.

Sure. Bye.

Evening, Barry.
I have two minutes.
What is it?

I'll make it brief.
I know you've got
your show to do.

Barry, we've run
into some slight
scheduling problems...

concerning
the national feed.

We're gonna have to
delay it for at least
a couple of weeks.

Hi, Stuey.

Ellen! Holy cow!
I knew you'd show up.

Jesus, let me look at you here.
Are you taking young pills
or something?

Wanna step into
my crib with me?
You must be excited.

Oh, yeah,
I'm jumping out of my skin.
You kidding me?

I called my mother and told her
we're gonna broadcast
all over the country.

She says,
"Stuart, that's beautiful.
What country?"

Good to see you.
It's good to see you.

Hi, I'm Laura Nicholson.
I spoke to you on the phone.
Hi.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.
You must be Barry's secretary.

No, actually, I'm his producer.
We're going in a few seconds.
Excuse me.

- Let's go.
- From the heart
of the Lone Star state,

it's time for Dallas'
most popular talk show,
Night Talk...

- with Barry Champlaign.
- ♪ Bad to bone♪♪

The KGAB phone lines are open
and ready for your call...

at 555-TALK.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Isn't this exciting?

I've just received
some terrible news.

Night Talk will not be broadcast
nationally tonight...

due to the usual corporate,
big business, inefficiency,

sloppiness and bureaucracy.

I've just been informed
of a scheduling problem.

Nothing personal,
nothing logical,
just business as usual.

Maybe the show will go national
next week, maybe next month.

No one seems to know.
I'm sorry.

I feel I've let you,
the listeners, down.

But I've been in this business
long enough to know
you can lose the battle...

and still win the war.

Night Talk still has a purpose,
a standard to which
it must rise,

and I will not let you down
on that score.

This show is about saying
what's got to be said.

That's what
we're gonna do here tonight.

Tonight, anything goes.

I wanna hear you.
I want you to tell me
what you really think.

No holds barred.
Call 555-TALK.
I'm sorry.

The door is open.
Hit me with your best shot.

Night Talk.
Jerry from Rockwell.

You're on.
Barry.

have you ever entertained
one single doubt...

about the truth
of the Holocaust?

I think we've had
this conversation before, sir.

When you make these accusations
against Jews, when you
start questioning the Holocaust,

I think you should have
some facts available,
and the facts are available.

Well, of course.
We'd love to sit down
and debate them with you.

Uh-huh. Well, who's "we"?
Am I talking to
a "we" or a "you"?

Well, Barry, we're
organized in our belief...

the same way the Zionists
are organized in their belief.

We could debate it.
It would be
very easy and simple.

It would be far more simple
and valuable for you
to get in touch with,

let's say,
the Holocaust Museum
down in Washington.

Uh-huh.
They'll send you the names
of all the Jews...

who died during World War II.

They have all this information.
I mean, the first one to say
if somebody made a mistake--

They say six million died?
It could've been five million
or seven million.

It could be two also.

Is that the issue?
That two million
innocent people died?

Why should one single innocent
person die, Jew or non-Jew?
I agree.

But the Zionists are using
this issue and the guilt
on the American public...

to extort from us
our tax dollars.

The figures we have say
every family in Israel...

gets over $10,000
of our taxes.

Well, you'll never see
more collective poverty
than in Israel.

I urge you to take a trip there.
All you got to do, Barry,
is go to West Virginia.

What does West Virginia
have to do with it?
Or Nebraska or Idaho,

- where you'll see farmer
after farmer biting the dust,
- Mm-hmm.

- losing their farms,
can't get decent loans.
- Yeah.

If we had the loans and grants
that are sent to Israel,

we wouldn't be losing our farms,
which is the backbone
of this country.

And what if a woman competes
with you in the marketplace
and takes your job?

What if black men start dating
and marrying white women?
Oh!

And what if homosexuals
are teaching your children?

And what if you're afraid
to walk the streets at night?

What if you see yuppies getting
rich while you're standing
in the unemployment line?

And what if your government
sends you to Vietnam...

to fight a war they have
no chance of winning?

And what if your country
is slipping away, lost?

I know the argument, friend.

It's the great theory
of history.
I've heard it before.

It says,
"When things ain't good,

"instead of getting down
and doing something about it,

instead of changing your life,
it's a hell of a lot easier
to blame somebody else."

And it just don't wash
in my book.

Well, that's
a very nice speech, Barry,
Mm-hmm.

but it seems to me
you're making pretty good money
on that station.

And since you're an outsider
to these parts and all,

it seems difficult, I guess,
to relate to the
common-folk problems out here.

There is no room
for self-pity, sir,
in my life or yours.

Now, you ought to read
the Turner Diaries, Barry, by
William Pierce. It's all there.

Mm-hmm.
It says--

Yes, I'm familiar with
that novel-- a product
of the enlightened man.

- Now, let me finish!
- Barry, I got Beauty on five.

What it does is lays out the
plan for the coming revolution.
Mm-hmm.

See, the word "America, " Barry,
means "heavenly kingdom"
in the Gothic language.

Yeah.
It's the real new Jerusalem
of Scripture.

It shows you how the Jews
are impostors who took--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For those of you
who don't know it,

it starts idiotically enough
in the year 1991.
That's correct.

It's written as a diary
by a young, white, racist,
electrical engineer...

who joins an underground
paramilitary organization...

known as "The Order."
That's right.

Oh, am I doing all right?
Oh, great.

They institute a revolution
against ZOG,

the Zionist Occupied Government
of America.

And along the way, they kill
all the mongrel races--

Jews, blacks,
homosexuals, feminists...

and other mud people.

It's an idiotic book
written for people
with bubblegum brains...

who never got out
of the fourth grade,
watching reruns of The Blob.

Easy, Barry.
You're part of the problem.

You're another Jew,
another weed-eating Jew,

in control of the media
of this country.

And from there,
you pass judgement on that
which you don't know.

And there will come a day
for you, Barry, and
thousands of others like you--

who have slept with black women,
who have lied to us--

when you will hang
from your neck with
a placard around it saying,

"I betrayed my race."

Well, what can you say to
a paranoid schizophrenic...

who's a co ward for hanging up,
except that I guess
the day that I hang,

I'll probably defend the asshole
who hung me.

Talk radio.
Free speech isn't really
free at all.

It's actually a little bit
like Russian roulette.
A very expensive commodity.

You never know what's gonna
come up the next time
you push the button.

- Yeah, you're on Night Talk.
- I changed my name...

and didn't have any trouble
getting Social Security.

My birth certificate has
my name spelled differently.

And I--
Hello?

Yeah, it's very interesting.
What's your view on
lesbian priests?

My view on what?
How about masturbation?

You got any view on that?
No, I don't.

How about that law in Arizona
where it's a felony...

to go around with
an erection in your pants?

What do you think about that?
Well, I-I'm not really
calling about that.

Mm-hmm.
If they wanna do it,
let 'em do it.

Yeah, what?

Kent's on three.
I don't think you
should take the call.

Lose him, Barry.
Barry? Hello?

Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's just fine for you.
Tell him to shoot it to me.

Hello, Barry? Hello?
Well, good, good.

That's good for you.

Gee, tonight's just
a walk down memory lane.

And we have Kent with us
once again.

Yeah, Kent.
I didn't mean
to hang up on you.

Yeah, but you did.
Listen, Kent, you're a fake.
You're a hoax.

You call up with some
fake-o story about how
you and your girlfriend...

are taking drugs
and she's O.D.'d...

and your parents
are in Acapulco.
Fiji.

Oh, Fiji, right.
An important detail.

You're just this poor,
mixed-up kid.
You don't know what to do.

- I think she's dead!
- What are you trying to tell me?

- That your girlfriend O.D.'d?
Now she's dead?
- I don't know, okay?

I just can't get her
to wake up!
Yeah, we heard that already.

There's foam coming out
of her mouth.
What?

Foam coming out of her mouth.

Let's dump this guy, now.
It's Barry's show, boss.

- That's it. That's it.
- Listen!

My parents are in Fiji,
okay?

And the stuff
about my girlfriend--
Yeah, what?

She--
Come on, Kent.
Spit it out.

- No, you'll cut me off!
- I won't cut you off, Kent.

You promise?

I promise I won't
cut you off, Kent.

I made the whole thing up!

Kent? I lied.
I'm cutting you off.
What?

Get the hell out of here.
No, please!
Look, I'm not lying!

I gotta talk to you.
You gotta talk to me?

What are you gonna
talk about? Your mother
just slit her wrists?

She's bleeding to death?

How about your father?
Got a shotgun in his mouth?
Gonna blow his brains out?

Tell me, who else is dead?
Come on. Who's dead, Kent?

Who's dead?
Who's dead?
Tell me, who's dead?

No one's dead!
No one's dead, Barry.

Come on. Look.

I just wanted to talk.
We're talking.
You got two seconds. Talk.

Okay, I listen to you
all the time, you know.
Mm-hmm.

I think about
what you say, Bar.
Yeah.

You say such cool stuff.
Mm-hmm.

Well, I just didn't know
what to say, you know.

Look, I wanted to meet you.

Now you're goofing on me.
You wanted to meet me?

You can meet me
anytime you want.
I'm right here in the station.

- You're at the station?
- I'm not the president,
for God's sakes.

I'm right here, downtown,
in the studio.

So I could just come down?
You could just come down.

- Now? Right now?
- Now.

- What do you mean, right now?
- Right now.

I'll just come down.
I'm on the air, Kent.

Please?

Sure, Kent. Why not?
Come on down.
Really?

- I'd love to meet you.
Just hurry up.
- All right!

I'm halfway through the show.
We're at the end
of the first hour...

of exciting and intellectual
conversation here on Night Talk.

Don't go a way.
We have the news
and the weather coming up.

And then we'll be back
with more Night Talk.

- Barry.
- Dan.

Laura, call down
and tell Security
there's a kid coming.

Dan, you want anything?
Coffee? Tea? Insulin?

Crack?
We have it all right here.

Barry, you should ask me
if you wanna have
a guest on the show.

Why?
'Cause I'm the boss, Barry.
That's why.

Dan, I'll do my job,
you do yours, okay?

He is not coming on
the show. That's it.
We have too much riding...

on what's going on here
tonight.
What's going on here tonight?

If they think for one minute
that you're undependable,
it's over.

Dan, MetroWave bought my show.
All right?

This is my show.
I put who I want on my show.

If I wanna have
Charlie Manson on my show,
I'll put him on the show.

Or Ted Bundy--
Or how about this.
I have David Berkowitz,

Bernard Goetz,
John Hinckley on.

We do a special
on gun control.
How would that be?

Or how about
that postman from Oklahoma
who killed 14 people, Dan?

- He killed his boss.
We bring him on the show.
- Cut.

We bring you on
as a special guest.
Out. Out.

We're gonna bring these guys
on the show.
We'll have a terrific show.

Oh, boy, this'll be great.

That's funny stuff, Barry,
the mailman who killed his boss.

Did you see what the mailman
brought me today?

Huh?

We got half the wackos
within 20 miles of this place...

saying how much they wanna
"burn your Jew ass."

Think about that, Barry.
The time it takes to sit down
and write that on paper,

put it in an envelope,
lick it,
send it to the station.

And I've got boxes
of this shit in my office.

These people
are dead serious.

All I'm suggesting is that
you simply pull it back,
just for a little bit.

I think you're a little
out of your depth, Dan.

I think it's time--
Just stop talking and listen
to me for two minutes!

You don't have an audience
in here now to cheer you on.

You do whatever you want
to tonight, Barry.
Have fun. Blow the deal.

I'm not gonna say I don't care,
because I worked
very hard on this.

- I worked my ass off on this.
- This is my life
you're talking about.

No, what you are, Barry,
is a fucking suit salesman
with a big mouth.

Let's call a spade a spade.

It's a job.
That's all it is.

You can come in here
and start predicting Armageddon
if you want to, Barry.

But it's still a job.

A job you did not even know
how to do...

until I taught it to you!

What do you think you're doing
in here, changing the world?

This is a talk show, Barry,
and you are a talk show host.

Alan does the drive time,
Jerry does the home
handyman stuff,

Sheila does the shrink stuff,
Sid does the financial stuff,
and you hang up on people.

That's your job.

Now, you're very good at it.
You're the joker in my deck,

and I'm very happy
for your success.

But you work for me!

I'm your boss.

You wanna have the kid
on the show?
Have him on!

But you get one thing straight.
You fuck up my deal,

and you go back to selling
double-knit suits.

I'm glad you take it
all so seriously, Barry,

but you gotta learn when to stop
or it's gonna kill you.

Go get the kid.
The kid is not
a good idea, Barry.

You're on his side, aren't you?
No, I want you to think
about the show.

You could lose everything
that you've worked for
and everything I've worked for.

Get the kid.

It's very important to Barry.

It's a very important moment
in his life.

Yes, he is important to me.
He is important.

Look, Lou,
he's a fuckin' basket case.

Lou-- All right, all right.
Forget it. Forget it.

I'll just stay to see
the show tonight, and then
I'll be home tomorrow, okay?

Love you.

Yeah. Hey.

Just pretend I'm visiting
a sick relative.

All right?

Bye.

Yeah.

Night Talk. We're back.
This is the spirit
of Barry Champlaign.

- Joe, hit me with your best shot.
- Yeah, Barry.

I've been driving a cab now
for about 11 years.

I've met all kinds.
I know people.
I wish I did.

Let me tell you
something, friend.

That kid who just called,
what he needs is
a good bust in the chops.

Think that would do it, Joe?
Kid like that
needs some discipline.

Discipline?
I got two kids, Barry.

They give me any trouble,
I just take off my belt.

They see the belt,
that's it.

How old are your children, Joe?
Little girl's five,
boy's three and a half.

You hit them with a belt?
Brush, belt, newspaper.
Whatever.

Hey, they're either gonna
get it from me or they're
gonna get it out there.

Joe, I think you need
professional help.
What's that?

You need to get together
with Jerry.
He can hold them down...

while you hit them with a belt.
What the hell
are you talking about?

You're hitting your kids
with brushes and belts.
You're psychotic.

You're a psycho.
Yeah? And what are you,
friend, a faggot?

Coming from a pinhead like you,
that's a complement.

How about I come on down there
to that station of yours
right now...

and bust your little
faggot face right in?

Who's gonna help, your brother?
You don't say nothin'
about my brother.

Your brother hangs around
Harry Heinz Blvd., doesn't he?
He's a pimp.

And your wife,
she's a hooker, isn't she?
My wife?

What do you beat her with,
a baseball bat?

Hmm?

Well, I know where
you live, partner.

All right?
I know what you look like.

Mm-hmm.
Sweet dreams, sweetheart.

I can't wait.

Vincent, you're on Night Talk.
Say something interesting.

- Yeah. Uh--
- Yeah.

I've been listening to you
for five years.
Uh-huh.

Yup, and the guys
down here at the store
put you on every night.

Yup.
And we sit around
and laugh at you...

Yup.
because you're such
a jerk-off and--

Yeah, all right.
Night Talk. Agnes, yeah.

Barry, can I
ask you a question?
Hit me.

I wouldn't hit you
for the world, sweetheart.

I Love Lucy. Now, why don't
they make more of them?
What?

What do you want to talk
to Barry about?

You wanna rape somebody?

Why don't you go home
and take a cold shower.
That'd be better.

Those shows are ancient, Agnes.
Lucille Ball must be
at least 105 years old.

The rest of the cast is dead.
No. Now, she's not that old.

I saw her on the show
the other night, and
she looked to be around 35.

And that Ricky Ricardo,
boy, can he play the bongos.

Nobody can be this stupid.
Are you serious, Agnes?
You know what year this is?

Yeah, John,
you're on Night Talk.

Remember me, Barry?

I called and said
I was in Turtle Creek.

Well, I--

I raped three women since then.

Do you remember me?
I'm not sure.
Refresh me, John.

I'm thinking about raping
another one, Barry.
I saw her this morning.

What are you doing to me, Stu?
You're killing me
right here on the air.

- Oh, could we relax, please?
- These women I raped
aren't turning me in.

How come?
Well, tell me
where you are, John,

and I'll make sure
you get some help.

You have my word on that.
I'm just so tired
of raping women. I--

I'm so tired
or raping women!

I-I got rage for them!
I got rage for them!
John.

When was the last time
you raped a woman?

In Green ville
a couple weeks ago.

She was--
She was struttin' around...

like she was something else.

Yeah, I-I understand, John.
I sympathize.

We all get angry.

Where did the rape
actually occur?

It was in the back seat
of her car.

She pulled into
the Jack in the Box parking lot.

I jumped in and said,
"Okay, I'm--"

It was nighttime, sometime.
I don't know.

How old are you, John?
I'm 40.

I was in the pen 12 years.
Are you taping this for me?

I didn't get no therapy.
They didn't do nothin' for me!
Let me hook this up.

They didn't-- They didn't--
They didn't bother to help me!

Barry, I'm gonna rape somebody.
I'm gonna do it.
But why?

I gotta!
It's an irresistible compulsion.

It's like-- It's like
tryin' to quit smoking.

Barry, I can't help myself.

I can't--

Yeah, all right.
You have this
irresistible compulsion.

John, the last time we spoke,

you said that
jogging helped you.

Up and down Turtle Creek.

Jogging up and down
the Turtle Creek.
Turtle Creek!

I could name you every duck
in Turtle Creek!

John, have you decided
who you're gonna rape next?

I got her picked out,
staked out and ready.

I always wanted her.

What is it about her
that you like?

What is it about
a piece of strawberry pie
or a piece of pumpkin pie?

I mean, I don't know.
She could be black or white,

Hispano, Japanese,
pretty, fat, ugly.

I wanna rape them all!

All right, John, calm down.
I wanna help you.
I'm your friend.

Are you my buddy, Barry?

I'm your buddy, John.

I can't help myself.
I gotta go do it.

You can help yourself.
You're not gonna do it, John.
No, I gotta do it.

No, you're not
gonna do it, John.

Now, listen to me.
I'm gonna go do it.

No, no, no.
Think about what
you're saying, John.

John?

John?

He's gone.

Another lost soul
goes into the Dallas night.

We-We have a police trace
on this.

If anybody knows
anything about this man...

or is in Turtle Creek or
sees someone in a phone booth,

please call us here
at KGAB.

The number to call is,
is 555-TALK.

Uh, let's hear
from our sponsors--

Pasty Mate Roach
and Termite Cleaners.

Listen closely.

The sound
of cockroaches mating...

enhanced 500 times.
They couldn't trace it.

Right, I should've kept him on
for another three hours.

You know, I once had
a cup of Humphrey's coffee.

I was spitting blood
for three weeks.

You should try
the decaffeinated, Barry.

- This is great.
- Oh, wait. Don't tell me.

He seems
pretty harmless.

Come on, kid, sit down.
This is your chair.

This is your microphone.
Speak directly into it.

Keep your mouth about
six inches a way from it.

These are your headphones
so you can hear the show.
These are the ground rules.

What?
The ground rules.

No last names, no brand names,
no phone numbers over the air.

Other than that,
act and speak normally.
This is Mr. Barry Champlaign.

You're Barry.

You got him.
All right.

What's wrong with him?
He's starstruck.

Hey, kid, say something.
I need a level.
Check, check. Check one.

Here we go on five,

- four, three, two, one.
- Stu.

Strap in, bitch.
Here we go.

We're back.
I'm Barry Champlaign.
You're listening to Night Talk.

We have a very special guest
with us tonight.

Kent. Say hello
to everybody, Kent.

All right.

My sentiments exactly.

We've brought Kent on board
to get an inside look
at the future of America.

Kent is the classic
American youth--

energetic and resourceful,
spoiled, perverse and disturbed.

Would you say that's
an accurate description, Kent?
Yep, sure.

What do you call that haircut?
I don't know.
Rock and roll!

Are you high right now,
Kent?

Am I high?
Are you on drugs,

or is this your naturally
moronic self?

Watch the drool.
You're getting it
all over the console.

I can't believe
I'm here, man.

Hey. Wow.
Does this thing
really work?

You're sitting in
a radio station, Kent.

You're sitting in front
of a live mike.

When you speak,
thousands of people
hear your voice.

It penetrates their minds.

Okay, okay.
No, listen.

I wanna send that one out
to Diamond Dave
and Billy the bass player...

and all the babes
at the Valley View Mall.

We're discussing
America here tonight, Kent.

Do you have any thoughts
on that subject?

Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I broke your train of thought.
Please, keep going.
This is exhilarating.

No, I know.

It's not like I'm not
political or nothin'.
You know, I mean--

I like Bruce.
He's political.

Bruce Springsteen, yes.
A very deep, political thinker.

He's a communist, isn't he?

No, he's from New Jersey.

His ex is pretty nice.
Mm-hmm. Whose ex?

Bruce's.
Bruce Springsteen's wife.
Yes, what about her?

Julienne.
Hi, Julienne.

She was a model.
You know that, Bar?

All those guys
got models, Bar.

I mean, Mick and Jerry,
Keith and Patty,

Prince and--

Prince.

You know, Bar,
Bingo.

models only hang around with
guys they think are coolest.

Look at you, man.
You're a big guy,
famous star and all.

I mean, you got that fine babe
right over there...

who works for you, man.

So hey,
if you got some cash
and you're cool,

you get to have a model.

So you wouldn't call yourself
a women's libber then,
Kent, huh?

Yeah, I would, Bar.
I mean, everybody
being liberated, you know.

Women, South Africans,
all those kind of people,
you know.

I saw a show
about all that stuff--

about how revolution's
a pretty important thing.

We're gonna have
a lot more revolutions
where people get together,

solidarity and that
and--

You know,
like that song by Megadeath.

♪ Peace sells
but who's buying ♪

- ♪ Peace sells
but who's buying ♪
- Ah, come on!

Hey, plus--
Oh, I saw this other show...

about how in the future
they're gonna have
these two-way TV sets.

People will be able to see
each other and everything.

And then there's, like,
no way they're gonna be able
to stop the revolution.

Who won't be able
to stop it, Kent?

Big Brother, the government,
corporations.

They're a bunch of fascists.
They wanna control
everybody's mind.

But, hey, freedom's
an important thing,

just like you
always say, Bar.

You say
the best things, Bar.

I listen to you
all the time.

You're great.
Kent, you're an idiot.

I sincerely hope
you do not represent
the future of this country,

because if you do
we are in sad shape.

Bar, man,
you're so funny, man.

That's why I love to listen
to your show. That's why
all the kids listen to you, man.

Plus, these goons
push you around, you know.

All the kids
listen to you, Bar.

You are the best thing
on the radio!

Kent, we discuss
a lot of serious subjects
on this show--

sad things,
frightening things,
tragic things.

Doesn't any of that
bother you?

Nope.

Why not?

It's just a show.
It's one big rock video,
huh, Kent?

Yeah!

No.
Come on, Bar.

It's your show.

Yeah, that it is, that it is.
It's my show.

Let's go back to the callers
on my show.

Uh, Julia,
you're on Night Talk.

Barry, hello.
Now, you know, darlin',

I think these people who've
been callin' you tonight...

are a bunch of
I don't know what's.

It's crazy.
And that crazy kid you got
on there, now, that's terrible.

I've been listenin' to your show
for five years straight, Barry,

and I love you and your show.

I think it's terrific
that more folks
are gonna be listenin'.

I just hope you have time
for your longtime friends
there, Bar.

I always have time
for my friends, Julia.

Aw, you're terrific.

Your show's terrific.
I don't know what else to say.

Well, tell me something, Julia,
since you listen all the time.

What is it
you like about the show?

Well, I don't know.

A lot of things.

Well, what, for instance?
Well, I love you, Bar.

Uh-huh, that's a given.
Okay, what about me
do you love?

Well, you're very funny.
Uh-huh.

And I love to hear you talk
about all the things
you have to say.

Yeah, yeah, okay.
Let's get back to the show.

The show must serve
some kind of purpose for you.

Well, now, I wouldn't say that.
What would you say?

Well, I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?

You said that at least
five times already.
What don't you know?

You've been listening to this
show for five years. You don't
know why you listen to it?

Well, I just said--
I heard what you just said.

You said you don't know why
you listen to this show.
Why don't I tell you why.

You listen so that
you can feel superior to
the other losers who call in!

Barry!
Don't "Barry" me!

You've got sawdust between
your ears instead of brains.
Just listen to you!

If I sounded as stupid as you,
I'd be too embarrassed
to open my mouth!

- I'm hanging up!
- Good, and don't call back.

Nothing more boring
than people who love you.

Yeah, you're on Night Talk.

I just have one thing
to ask you, Barry.

Hit me.

- Are you as ugly-looking
as you sound?
- Uglier.

Yeah, I thought
you'd say something like that.

But as usual,
you a void the question.

What's the question?
I think you know the question.

- Is an animal
a vegetable or a mineral?
- The question is obvious.

Why does an intelligent fellow
like yourself...

spend so much energy
hurting other people?

Hmm?
Do you not love yourself?

I think you're very
lonely, Barry.

I'm sorry for you, because
you don't know how to love.

Night Talk. Ralph.

They always say that,
don't they?

"Why are you so angry"?

Well, they don't understand
me and you, Barry.

We're the kind of people,
we feel too much.

Are we, Ralph?

Yeah, my name is Cheryl Ann.
I'll hold.

Who knows? I mean,
take, for instance, cancer.

What is cancer?
What are you doing, Ellen?

He's all alone out there.
So what?

He's going down in flames,
Dan.

It's Barry's show,
Ellen.

Let Barry
do Barry's show.

Well, what are they gonna do
with my TV set?

We watch it. That's what
people do with TV sets.

What do they see?
They see people killing people,
babies starving, floods.

And for what?
For nothing!

For beer commercials
and Tampax ads,

MTV, a yacht, the ocean,

a diamond earring,
a racehorse.

Well, I guess so.

I guess so.
All I know is
what I read in the papers.

And that's a lot of talk.
Barry, it's talk.
Talk, talk, talk.

Talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk, talk!
Ralph, Ralph, Ralph!

Tell me something.
I'm curious.

How do you dial a phone
with a straightjacket on?

Barry.

I don't know much about God
and I never was very religious,

but you can't help feeling
like something is wrong,

like nobody's
driving the train,

the system,

'cause too many people
are gettin' sick.

And the traffic,
it's just jamming up.

And even the weather,
not so good lately.

Barry, I just don't--
I don't get it, Barry.
I just don't get it.

You don't get it, wimp?
Here's what you get!
You get $1.59,

- That's it.
- go down to the drugstore,
buy a pack of razor blades,

and slash your
fuckin' wrists, pinhead!

That's it, kid.
Come on.

- What?
- Get him out of here, now!

Hey, Barry!

Get the fuck off me,
you fuckin' son of a bitch!

Thank you, Dallas!
Good night!

You all right, Barry?
Stand by.

I'm confused, Barry.

What did you say
your name was?

Cheryl Ann.

It's about my ex-husband.

He's back in town and, well,
I haven't seen him for a while.

What are you confused about,
Cheryl Ann?

Well, let me first say...

that I left my ex-husband
for very good reasons.

Did it-- Let's not
get into them, okay?

And he's anything but perfect.

He smokes, he drinks,
he loves to argue.

- Sounds like my kind of guy.
- Yeah.

He is a little bit like you.

Yeah, well, we gotta
move it along here,
Cheryl Ann.

You wanna get to the point?

I have, um,
feelings for him.

What kind of feelings?

Nice feelings.

Um--

This is hard to say.

Sexual feelings?

It's not just that.
I mean, yes, of course, but...

I still love him.

It's not the same
with my husband.

We had something,

and... I want him.

I want him inside of me.

I want to take care of him.

I want to be with him.

You wanna be close to him.

Yes.

You wanna hold him.

Oh, yes.

You wanna relive
the feelings you two had.

Yes, Barry.

You don't love
your husband?

No. Well, I--

You tell him
that you love him.

You lie to him and
you tell him that you love him.

I do love him.

I love him as a friend.

Friend.

Everyone's your friend.

Not like my ex-husband.

There's a passion there
for his soul and--

I-I thought I wanted
a simple life,
but I-I was wrong.

I want my old life back.

Sounds like
you made a mistake.

Should've stuck with
the first guy.

Yeah, well, what was I
supposed to do?

I love you, Barry.

Ever hear the story
of the little dog who had
a bone in his mouth?

And he's trotting over
this bridge
and he looks over...

and sees his reflection
in the water.

Thinks it's another dog.

That dog has a bone
in his mouth too.

The dog wants both bones,
so he barks at the little dog
in the water,

trying to scare him.

Bone drops out of his mouth.

Loses both bones.

What has that got to do
with what I just said?

Babe, I don't know
what to tell you.

You blew it!

You know, women like you
are never happy.

What do you want me to say?
Leave your husband?
Go back to your ex?

Your ex doesn't want you.

He's got women
all over the place.
He doesn't need you.

He's not some suburban zombie
like your husband.
He's out there having fun.

Did you ever think of that?
Maybe your ex-husband
doesn't want you?

Hmm?
He came on to me.
He said he wanted me.

You're lying again.
He said he still loved me.

You're lying! You're
a sexually unsatisfied woman
living in a dream world!

I feel sorry for you!

So why don't you stick
with Mr. America there,

go out and buy yourself
a heavy-duty vibrator,
and knock yourself out.

We reap what we sow.

Follow me, Cheryl Ann?

Probably frigid.
And we have Theresa on the line.

The day will come
for you, Barry.

And there will be
a reckoning,

an adding up
and a totaling.

Those who turned a way
will be turned upon.

And I don't care
what your story is, Barry.

You are responsible,
and there will be
no confusion at your trial.

It will be short,
and necks will crack.

The whips will strip your back
bare to the bone,

and your children
will cry for you...

as they are slaughtered
before your eyes.

You--

The Jews will hang high
over the streets.

You will be buried in piles.

You dig your own holes.

I am here merely to tell you
that the day will come.

It will.

Believe it or not,
you make perfect sense to me.

I should hang.

I'm a hypocrite.

I ask for sincerity,
and I lie.

I denounce the system
as I embrace it.

I want money and power
and prestige.

I want ratings and success.

I don't give a damn
about you or the world.
That's the truth.

For this,
I could say I'm sorry,
but I won't. Why should I?

I mean,
who the hell are you anyways,
you audience?

You're on me every night
like a pack of wolves,

'cause you can't stand
facing what you are
and what you've made.

Yes, the world
is a terrible place.

Yes, cancer and garbage
disposals will get you.

Yes, a war is coming.

Yes, the world is shot to hell,
and you're all goners.

Everything's screwed up,
and you like it that way,
don't you?

You're fascinated
by the gory details.

You're mesmerized
by your own fear.

You revel in floods,
car accidents.

Unstoppable diseases.

You're happiest
when others are in pain.

That's where I come in,
isn't it?

I'm here to lead you
by the hands
through the dark forest...

of your own hatred
and anger and humiliation.

I'm providing a public service.

You're so scared.

You're like a little child
under the covers.

You're afraid of the bogeyman,
but you can't live without him.

Your fear, your own lives,
have become your entertainment.

Next month,
millions of people are gonna
be listening to this show,

and you'll have
nothing to talk about!

Marvelous technology
is at our disposal.

Instead of reaching up to
new heights, we're gonna see
how far down we can go.

How deep into the muck
we can immerse ourselves.

What do you wanna
talk about, hmm?

Baseball scores?

Your pet?

Orgasms?

You're pathetic.

I despise each
and every one of you.

You got nothing,

absolutely nothing.

No brains, no power, no future.

No hope.

No God.

The only thing
you believe in is me.

What are you
if you don't have me?

I'm not afraid, see?

I come in every night,
make my case, make my point,
say what I believe in!

I tell you what you are.
I have to. I have no choice.

You frighten me.

I come here every night,
tear into you,
I abuse you, I insult you,

and you just keep
coming back for more.

What's wrong with you?
Why do you keep calling?

I don't wanna hear it anymore.
Stop talking!

Go away!

You're a bunch of
yellow-bellied,
spineless, bigoted,

quivering, drunken,
insomniatic,

paranoid, disgusting,
perverted, voyeuristic,
little obscene phone callers.

That's what you are.

Well, to hell with you.

I don't need your fear
and your stupidity.
You don't get it.

It's wasted on you.

Burros before swine.

If one person out there
had any idea...

of what I'm talking about--

Fred, you're on Night Talk.

Yes. You see, Barry,

I know it's depressing that
so many people don't understand
you're just joking.

Jackie, you're on Night Talk.

Hello. I've been listening
for years, and I find you
a warm and intelligent--

Arnold.

What you were saying before
about loneliness,
I'm an electrical engineer--

Lucy.
My mother is from
Waco and wants to know
if you went to high school--

Larry.
Why do people insist
on calling homosexuals normal?

Ralph!
I'm in my house.

I'm at home,

which is where
you should be, Barry.

Hey, I'm not far a way.
You could come over if you want.

We're the same kind of people.

I have beer, soup.

I'm here.

Come over later.

I'll wait.

Barry, there's 60 seconds
left in the show.

This is dead air, Barry.

Dead air.

I guess we're stuck
with each other.

This is Barry Champlaign.

Barry.

That was great.
I feel very good about this.

I'm gonna talk to the lawyers,
and we'll get started
on this deal right away.

We're gonna be seeing
a lot more of each other.

I'll be in touch.

Barry.

That was great.

You pulled it off, champ.
Congratulations.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Dan.

What if I don't come in
tomorrow night?

You'll come in tomorrow,
Barry.

You always do.

- She left, huh?
- Yep. I don't blame her.

Her best line was,
"Barry Champlaign's
a nice place to visit,

but I wouldn't want
to live there."

The show's a washout, Stu.

Give me a break, will you?
We're going national, man.

Besides,
it's not that important.
It's just one show.

If it's not that important,
why am I doing it?
I don't know, Barry.

You don't like the heights,
don't climb the mountains.

You know what I mean?
It's like that kid
just said:

"Man, this is your show."

Where you headed?

I don't know.
Go to Ellen's hotel,
try to talk.

That's good.
Tomorrow, Barry.

Before I take
the first caller this evening,

Tomorrow, Stu.
I'd like to comment
on something I saw...

in the parking lot
on the way into the station.

There was a man standing there,
Walk you to your car?

obviously mentally disturbed.

It made me think about something
we don't often talk about.

Wanna grab a burger,
just talk?

I'm too old for you,
Laura.

Ow.

I mean, you don't
know about Vietnam,

Easy Rider, Beatles.

Start over, Grandpa.

I can't.

I'm inside this thing.

You're not.

You know what
my greatest fear is?

Being boring.

You're not boring.

I'm afraid that
the whole audience
is gonna get up and leave.

I get confused sometimes
about this love stuff.

I don't know what
people mean when they say
that they're in love,

but--

but I do know that
I don't think you're
the bad guy you think you are.

Yes, I am.

I'll take a rain check
on that burger.

Excuse me, Barry.
Barry. Mr. Champlaign.

I hate to bother you.
Do you think you could
give me an autograph, please?

Some show tonight.
Sure.

What'd you say your name was?
You're dead, fucker.

You come on down
to these parts,

you start telling people
their business
and insulting their race,

you end up like Champlaign,
I'll tell you that right now.

I listened to his show
the night that
he was killed.

There was this drug-crazed
kid bothering him.

When people smoke
that crack stuff,
they go berserk, you know?

I hope they catch
that kid.

But they ought to listen
to that show.
He was on the air.

I didn't think he was gonna
get shot or anything,

but that show was strange.

I mean, I got to be
on his show the last day.
That was his last show.

I feel kinda like
my whole life
is different, you know?

Like I'm kinda blessed.

But like I told Barry,
you know, I mean, hey,

life is kinda just like
a big party
thrown by God,

and I'm the new
toastmaster, Bar.

Like Barry always said,

if you didn't like him,
turn him off.

But they didn't have
to kill him.

I think that young boy that
had come in on the show,
I think he did it.

I'll tell you
how I feel about it.

I think if you steal something,
they oughta
cut your hands off.

If you rape somebody,
they oughta cut your
you-know-what off.

I never called him.

And now I'm sorry.

He never even hung up on me.

I miss him.
You know how when you have
a cast on your arm...

and they cut it off,
you miss having it?

He was like
a cast on my arm.
I miss him.

He was like a hot-fudge sundae
with fresh pecans.

Now, I knew I shouldn't
listen to him
'cause he always got me...

so dog-dang riled up
till I was like
to smash my radio.

He did a whole show once
on which way to roll
your toilet paper.

Over or under?
People responded for hours.

Some got so angry,
they hung up.

I called almost every night.
I loved Barry.

Didn't care much for the fellow
who answered the phone, though.

You know, he always forgot
I was waiting on the line.

Didn't I read he was
having some kind of problem
with his wife?

Yes, he was
insensitive and nasty,

but he was a strong,
masculine presence
on the radio.

Why would anyone
do such a thing?

Oh, well,
there's another bright star
in God's heaven.

My view is that you don't give
a group like the neo-Nazis...

access to the airways
like he did.

Basically, I couldn't stand
Barry Champlaign.

I was in love with his voice.
I was in love
with his voice.

He was in love
with his own voice.

My first thought was that
I couldn't believe anyone
could hate him that much.

Disagree or dislike,
but not hate him.
Not kill him.

My second thought was...

that he always wondered
if there was a God.

Barry said he had to wait
until the evidence was in.

Now you know, Barry.

Now you know.

Now, we know that whatever
the law says, it speaks
to those under the law...

so that every mouth
may be stopped...

and the whole world
may be held accountable to God.

The world is crazy, crazy!

Barry was rude, but
he was a funny guy too.

He insulted my mother
when I called,

but this is why we have
freedom of speech.

I hope that when
they remember Barry,

they remember
what he said...

and not the style
in which he said it.

It was karmic.

You just can't put out
that much bad karma...

without it coming
back at you.

Barry and I worked together
for over seven years.

Whenever you threatened him
over the air, man, he'd stick it
right back in your face.

It was like his dick
was flapping in the wing...

and he liked to see
if he could get an erection.

The guy had a little dick, but
he liked to flap it out there.

Then they cut if off.
Now he's dead.

I don't know if you
understand that analogy,

but it's the clearest one
I can make.