All language subtitles for You´re only young twice 1952 -Terry Bishop VOSE

Good afternoon to you from Scotland.

I'm speaking at this moment from one of
the oldest seats of learning in the

British Isles, the University of Skerry
Ball.

Not far from where I'm standing, a
procession is wending its way towards

university, bearing in its heart the
students' elected representative, their

Lord Rector.

The students are in very good spirits.

Very high spirits.

The students' spirits are very high.

And now, in the distance, we can hear
the music of the pipes.

And

now

I understand that the new law
director... is being met at the station

the professors.

That is traditional, I suppose.

It's nothing of the sort.

And if you want to know, the professor
is a blue -nosed, interfering old sump.

These masks, do they represent anything
in particular?

No, no, they have no special
significance.

Lord Carshini,

My son Adolphus received his education
at the same school to which you gave

distinction as a boy.

Oh. This is he.

I suppose they sent you to England to
learn to speak the language. What?

Yes. I find it doesn't always meet with
approval up here.

Hurry, you parcel of unholy hurling.
Here now, Silver Slipper won the 230.

He did, that's right. Come on, five bob
on with you.

So you had. Well, that's 17 and six, so
what? All right.

Principal, you young devil, betting on
horses at your age. Oh, shocking,

shocking.

You're quite a power in the land, you
know.

But seriously,

I think you'll find him quite a charming
fellow.

Young, of course, but charming.

extraordinary experience, all this, if
you don't expect it. But the worst's

now. I'm very glad to hear it.

You're gonna, you're gonna, you're
gonna!

Mr. Shelty, get down off that balcony at
once! Good old Carl Shiddy!

Do as I tell you, and be careful! Don't
break your neck.

We want to tell the law director that we
love him, sir. He knows that. Now, will

you please go away?

Ah, but does he know that we love him
very, very dearly? Yes, yes, he knows

that, too.

Very...

Oh,

yes, yes, of course.

I

brought your

wine, sir.

So you have.

What happened to my butler? He's in the
dining room, so I'm giving him a hand.

My name's McIntyre.

Of course, you're Dan, the porter.
That's right, sir. That's right, from

main gate, sir.

We're all behaving very licentiously at
the moment, if you only knew.

This university is Presbyterian in the
fullest possible sense. I have to behave

myself very circumspectly indeed.

Oh, Mr Milligan, sir, is outside.

He'd like a word with you.

Oh, yes.

Milligan is the president of the
Students' Representative Council, Lord

Carshany. There's an old custom that he
takes wine with the Lord Rector on his

arrival. Ah, does he?

Must I?

I won't let him keep you.

Show Mr. Millican in there. Very good,
sir.

Good evening, Millican.

This is Mr. Millican, Lord Carshini. How
do you do?

Very well, thank you, sir.

My lord, except for a slight cold.

Have a glass of sherry, Millican. Well,
yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

If you don't mind, sir, Mr. Mayer, the
president of the Men's Union and the

president of the Women's Union, and Mr.
Dorfus Heyman, president of the

Temperance Society. Yes, yes. What about
them?

They're waiting outside, sir. We
wondered if the Lord Rector would

Well, there really isn't very much time.
Thank you, sir.

All right, you can come in.

Good evening.

This is Miss Muir, Mr.

Mather, Mr.

Hayman, Lord Carshany.

How do you do? I don't suppose any of
you... I do.

Oh.

Thank you. I'm afraid, sir, that we owe
you an apology.

The tomato which struck Mr. Adolphus
Heyman was not intended to imply any

personal disrespect for you, sir. No,
no, I'm sure it wasn't.

It was intended solely for Mr. Heyman.

Yes, yes, of course.

I'm rather unpopular with certain
sections of the university.

Are you? Are you indeed?

You'll excuse us leaving you. Finish
your sherry before you go. Don't bother

shake hands with everybody, Lord
Carsoni. You'll have the pleasure of

them all again tomorrow.

Good evening.

No. I'm afraid I didn't know him.

Pardon me.

Dan. Dan McEntee.

Oh, Dan.

Yes.

He might be in there.

Pardon me.

Dan, a professor.

Aye, what chair?

Divinity.

I've often thought the only chair we
really need is the chair and the art of

getting away with it.

That's what the youth of the nation's
all crying out for.

That's what I'd call education.

The art of getting away with it.

I agree.

Good evening.

Good evening.

We

were

just going.

The principal should be here any minute.
It's just changing for dinner.

Cold, isn't it?

Very cold.

It's not so bad once you get
acclimatized.

Isn't it? Oh, no, it makes you very fit.

Do you mind if we leave you here?

If we see Dan McEntee, we'll tell him to
come up. He'll show you your room.

Oh, yes, do. I want to see him.

Are you staying here long?

I don't know.

Yes, perhaps.

Oh, good.

I think you'll like Scary Vaughan.

It's a bit cold at first, of course, but
I always find that after a week or two,

I never notice the cold. Come on, we'll
be late.

I suppose so.

Well, we're sure to eat again, aren't
we? Oh, we must.

Yes, mustn't we? Au revoir, then. Au
revoir. I have enjoyed our little chat.

Have you?

Have you?

Afraid you didn't find us at the top of
our form.

You must be wonderful at the top of your
form.

Good night, then, Miss... I didn't quite
catch your name.

Shaw. Good night, Miss Shaw. Perhaps
we'll see you at the Women's Union

tomorrow. I'm the president.

Yes?

Yes.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Miss Shaw. Good night, Miss
Shaw. Good night.

Oh,

I beg your pardon. I thought... Good
evening.

Oh, I know now. I'm sorry.

You're Miss Lamplighter, of course.

Yes, that's who I am.

I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.

Well, I found I could manage it earlier.

I'm very glad, as a matter of fact.

We're all in rather a muddle at the
moment.

Are you?

We're welcoming the Lord Rector.

He's one of the two most important
people in the university.

The students elect him every three
years.

Actually, Lord Carsoni has been our
rector for two and a half years, but

only just being installed.

He's been shooting big game in Africa.

Would you like a glass of sherry? Yes,
please.

Thank you.

Now, what's that you're reading?

It's a book.

It's by somebody I know.

Is it?

Did you know Conall O 'Grady?

Yes.

Didn't he have to leave Ireland in
rather a hurry at the time of the

with both sides in hot pursuit?

After that, he seemed to disappear.

Brilliant fellow.

I was told... Yes?

Is it all right, sir, for me now to go
off duty?

Everything's under control, sir.

Not quite everything.

I want some dinner for Miss Lamplighter.

This is Miss Lamplighter.

This is Dan McEntee. I may say he's not
really my butler. Of course he isn't.

No, he's the main gate porter.

Well, sir, Ibrahim is now free, so I'll
see if he can arrange some dinner for

Miss Lamplighter, is it? It is.

Lamplighter.

Miss Lamplighter, it's an awkward thing
to have to suggest, but I think you'll

understand.

Do you think you could manage, when you
come to work tomorrow, to look a little

less... You know what I mean?

I think I do.

This university is in the hands of
people who are not noticeably in

with the latest trends in fashion.

I understand.

Well, I'm looking forward enormously to
our talk about Conall O 'Grady. Yes,

that will be fun.

Yes.

Good night, Miss Lamplighter. Good
night.

Sheltie.

Very silly name.

Who are you?

I'm the principal secretary.

Are you?

I think so.

Good evening.

Good evening to you, and may one ask?
Are you aware that this is a private

Oh, perfectly.

I serve this university in the humble
capacity of clerk of the senatus

academicus. Hmm?

The clerk of the senate.

Oh, I expect I shall get to know all the
clerks sooner or later. I am Miss

Lamplighter. Indeed.

Does the principal know that you're
here?

Yes, and if you don't mind, he
particularly asked that nobody should

this room.

I'm Professor Heyman of the Chair of
Ecclesiology.

The principal didn't instruct me to make
any exception in your case. Would you

go now, please?

I shall certainly speak to Sir Archibald
about this. Miss, uh... Sure.

Oh, lamplighter.

Miss Lamplighter.

Mr. Hilton.

Yes, sir, please, sir.

This is intolerable. How dare you behave
in this fashion? What fashion, sir?

Don't be insolent. What are you doing in
the principal's balcony? I was

conducting the wee male voice choir,
sir. That was them singing, sir.

Serenading the Lord Rector.

Time -honored customs, sir. Very
interesting old customs. Indeed.

You're drunk, sir.

Professor Hayman, oh, sir.

You'll be good enough to send that
rabble away.

What harm are they doing?

Yes, sir.

What harm are they doing?

Will you do as you're told?

I've never heard of anything so silly.
Madam, you'll kindly mind your own

business. Why should they go away?

Because I have ordered them to do so.
What will you do if they don't?

Yes, sir, what will you do if they
don't? A baton charge, I bet. Miss

Lamplighter, Mr.

Sheltie, this is no laughing matter,
sir. You'll be rusticated, rusticated,

What does that mean?

If it interests you to know, it means
the end of his career.

What nonsense.

He was just going to do what you told
him to do when he waited to hear what I

had to say.

Anyhow, why should he do a silly,
unreasonable thing just because you tell

to do it?

I shall certainly speak to the principal
immediately.

When my authority is flouted by an
entire stranger of whose credentials I

to be satisfied, then the time has come
when the matter passes out of my hands.

Blast.

What's the matter?

Haywire's going to get me the sack.

My people won't be a bit pleased about
it. If you want to please your people,

why don't you try to behave yourself? I
do behave myself.

I work like a slave, honestly.

But Haywire's got his knife in me.

Why?

I'm young.

He hates that.

He's a miserable old hound.

My New Archie's not a bad sort of a
swine.

He has a rotten job handling Hayman and
all the other malignant old virgins on

the Senate.

You'll put in a good word for me, won't
you?

Say it was only simple, hearty, boyish
fun.

Don't worry.

I'll make it all right.

If you do something for me.

I wouldn't be surprised, Miss
Lamplighter, if you lit such a lamp as

be extinguished. There's been a mistake.

My name is Shaw.

Shaw. I want you to take me to Dan
McEntee.

Please tell me where I can find him. I
must speak to him before he sees Sir

Archibald again.

And on occasions like this, the gravest
crime that can be committed is to delay

the appearance of the principal actor by
unnecessary speech -making.

So, without further ado, I give you the
Lord Rector, who doubtless has a great

deal to say. Lord Carcheri.

Mr. Principal, Mr. Assessor, Professor
Heyman, Lord Lady Duffy, ladies and

gentlemen.

What I have to say is that if... This
university carries on in the future

as it has carried on in the past.

Well, everything will carry on very
well.

Thank you.

An admirable choice for Lord Richter.
That's just what I said when my husband

was unable to stand.

Oh, well, Lord Duffy would have been, or
should I say in the near future will

be, an equally admirable choice.

I hope my wife hasn't promised you any
money yet, Professor. What was that,

Duffy? Lord Duffy agrees with me that
there are certain features of our

life that need inquiring into.

For instance?

Oh, I can give you a very good instance.

Only a short time ago, I was insulted by
a student in your own library, Mr.

Shelty.

Some misunderstanding, I expect.

Yes, Mr. Shelty was drunk.

That was very wrong of him.

I'll talk to him in the morning.

Hardly an adequate punishment for an
undergraduate who insults a member of

Senate of this university.

Yes, we'll have it all out in the
morning.

There's also the question of the
extramural activities of Porter McEntee.

Surely that hardly concerns us. I'm
informed that he conducts an

Does he?

Does he really?

You must tell me about it.

I may have quite a lot to tell you.

I'm having it watched.

A small shot, babe.

Enjoying yourself?

I'm not here to enjoy myself.

My word, aren't we the solemn one?

What's the trouble?

Nothing. Oh, come off it. You're sitting
there looking as if you just won all

the stars of the universe in a raffle.
It's bad for business.

Come on, now. Hair up. A wee smile.

What's your name?

Adolphus Hayman.

Do you tell me that?

Mine's Mary.

What's the matter now? Have you seen a
ghost?

Sheltie. Oh, him?

A bonnet -like ghost, him.

He had a woman with him.

Well, there's no law against that, thank
goodness.

Tell me, what's behind that curtain?

That would be telling.

How the blazes did you get here?

Mr. Shelty very kindly brought me here.

Oh, Mr. Shelty.

Are you looking for a poke and a kisser,
Mr. Shelty?

Look, you'd better take yourself out of
here before you find yourself in

trouble. Go on.

Well, I suppose now that you are here,
you had better sit down and take the

weight off your legs.

Thank you, Uncle Conall. I'm not your
Uncle Conall.

I'm your Uncle Don.

How do you do?

Colonel O 'Grady is in America as far as
you and anybody else in this part of

the world is concerned.

You wired for me to come.

I expected a better welcome than this.
What kind of a welcome?

I didn't quite know.

A brass band, a turkey carpet and two
cherubim dressed in the canonicals of

Masonic order.

Tell me, what the blazes were you doing
with the principal?

I was looking for you. You didn't tell
me they'd made you a butler. A butler?

Oh, no. I draw the line at that. I'm no
butler. I'm porter down at the main

gate. And I've one or two business
interests in the town.

I don't like this business.

I don't like it at all.

And I must say, I'm a little
disappointed in Shelty.

Oh, don't be daft. Come on down with me
and see for yourself.

No. Oh, come on. It'll do you good to
loosen up.

I'm not narrow -minded. I wouldn't like
you to think that.

But I'm a little unaccustomed to this
sort of thing, Miss... Nellie's the

Well. Well?

Not tonight, Nellie.

Come on.

So they sent for me to take the chair of
Celtic literature.

Well, I come down to see the principal.

That was a long time before Sir Archie.

Well, he was an old man.

Oh, as old as time itself.

And God save us, you know, I thought his
mind must have been in other things.

It was the porter's job he thought I was
after. Anyway, I didn't argue. I'm sure

the pay was much better.

So you settled down to live quietly and
stare up mischief, eh?

I published a book or two of ours in
America.

But it wasn't worth the effort.

There was no money in it.

Then now you're just a battered old hulk
by the seashore.

Aye, terrible to think of a man like me
that once had great thoughts whirling

through his brain, now to be sinking
down into the mud, leaving nothing but a

bubble or two behind him.

Will you never be fit to sail?

Haven't you got it in you to be a king
again?

Well, I might.

If I had a mob or an army or a boy and
girl in love, I might find something in

me that hasn't died.

Eat up your meal. There's plenty more
bacon here. You were good as uncle to me

once, Uncle Conall. And I'll be good
again.

Never fear.

Don't you worry.

That was why I sent for you when I heard
your poor mother had died.

Come here.

I want you to run this joint for me.

What kind of joint is it, for goodness
sake? Well, it's a respectable sort of

dance hall, of which I've got an
interest.

You're too late.

Why? I've got a job.

What job?

You promised you'd be here hours ago.

I know, but I had a wee job to do. What
job? Helping the principal's secretary

to find Mr. Dan McEntee. Whatever for?

I was wondering about that.

She's had a very hard life, you know.

Her father deserted her mother in Paris
when she was a child. Indeed.

You know, one time Miss Lamplighter had
to give up being a secretary and go into

cabaret to make a living.

She's been all over Europe.

Oh, I should think she's pretty good. It
isn't so much goodness that you need

for a job like that.

No?

We'll see.

No, sir.

I've looked very carefully.

No Colonel O 'Grady in this university.

Sorry, sir.

Good evening, Mr. Shelty. Good evening,
miss. Good evening.

Are you staying at the university, miss?
No, I have some work to do. I'm the

principal secretary.

Mm -hmm.

Miss Lamplighter?

Yes. Mm -hmm.

That's all right, miss. I'll wait for
you down here.

You'll never find your own way back to
the hotel in the dark.

I'll be all right.

Good night.

Miss Lamplighter. For heaven's sake,
Miss Lamplighter.

I'd be obliged if you'd wake up.

Go away.

Good heavens, Miss Lamplighter, this is
a university. A Presbyterian university.

Hello.

I must have dozed off. I was working
late.

Miss Lamplighter.

Yes, Archibald?

Go and get yourself some breakfast.

Yes, sir, Archibald.

It is now 8 .50. Will half an hour be
enough?

Yes, sir, Archibald.

We'll start work at half past nine,
then, in the library.

And, Miss Lamplighter, please get
dressed.

Yes, sir, Archibald.

Excuse me.

Uh, I wonder if you could give me some
information as to the whereabouts of a

man named Connell O 'Grady.

Uh, Mr. Milliken?

Coming, sir.

Sorry, can't help you.

Yes, sir. Morning, sir.

I'm going to the principal's library.

Be good enough to find Mr. Shelton. Tell
him the principal wishes to see him

there at nine o 'clock.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, Miss Landreiser.

Nice to see you again.

As it is, the situation is rapidly
developing in the university in which

well find it useful to have the...

Undivided support of the Senate.

Come in.

Good morning, Sir Archibald.

Good morning.

Mr. Shelty is outside, Sir Archibald.

Is he? What does he want?

Tell him to come in.

Would you come in now, please, Mr.
Shelty?

Sure.

Good morning, Shelty. What can I do for
you?

Mr. Port, you're here at nine o 'clock,
sir. Are you?

Oh, yes. I suppose you've come to
apologize to Professor Heyman.

Well, sir... While I should be gratified
if Mr. Shelty were moved to a sincere

apology, I hardly think that will close
the incident.

But why not?

You have authority to rusticate Mr.
Shelty.

I suggest that you do so now, giving him
time to catch the forenoon train to

whatever quarter of the kingdom he has
disgraced by his conduct.

I'm not quite clear as to what his
conduct was.

He was drunk.

When I reproved him, he was insolent.

He was leading a rabble in the precincts
of the university. One moment.

Do you admit to being drunk, Mr.
Sheltie?

No, sir.

You're a liar, sir.

Well, if I insulted you last night, that
just about makes us quits, doesn't it?

Mr. Principal, this is extremely
undignified.

That was my own impression.

If you're going to take this young man's
unsupported word against mine.

But it isn't unsupported.

Miss Lamplighter, this is university
business.

Oh, all right.

But I'd rather put you right now than
have you giving evidence in a libel

action. What do you mean?

I was talking to Mr.

Shelty outside.

He's taking an action against Professor
Heyman.

I tried to persuade him not to, but he's
absolutely implacable.

He's calling you too, Sir Archibald.

But I don't even know what happened.

Well, this gentleman...

came roaring and bawling into what I
understood was a private room.

I was unaccustomed to this sort of
thing.

She ordered me out of the room.

Oh, sir, Archibald, as if I would. I did
tell him what you had said.

What did I say?

You said I wasn't to be disturbed, don't
you remember?

Then the students began to sing and
Professor Heyman began to shriek and

again. He threw open the window and
bellowed at Mr. Shelton.

Yes, sir, that's right.

I protest against... Be good enough to
control yourself. Miss Lamplighter is

speaking.

Frankly, I was beginning to think he
wasn't quite right in the head.

Then Mr. Shelsey explained very kindly
and politely what he was doing.

And Professor Heyman bellowed out that
he was drunk and began stamping and

shrieking up and down the room.

Mr. Principal, I have served this
university for 25 years.

A splendid record.

Look here, there's been some sort of
misunderstanding, but I really am very

busy. Shelsey, you'd better run away.

Yes. Thank you, sir.

I shall certainly not allow the matter
to rest some other time.

Sir.

I think, Miss Lamplighter, you're
perhaps a little unfamiliar with

procedure.

Yes.

However, I expect you'll get used to it
in time.

Just a minute.

You'd better read this. It was among
your letters.

It was from Miss Lamplighter.

We are being deceived at office.

All is not what it seems.

We are surrounded by whited sepulchres.
Surely the physical architecture of

Skerry Vore... I was referring to the
model architecture of Skerry Vore and to

the... What did you call it? The cavity?
Yes. The plough and the stars? Yes, the

plough and the stars.

There's something behind a name like
that.

And there's something behind those plush
curtains.

Smacks of debauchery to me.

You must get behind those plush curtains
tonight.

But you said you were Miss Lamplighter.
No, you said I was Miss Lamplighter. My

name is Shaw.

Well, I must say it's a little high
-handed of Miss Lamplighter joining the

like this.

After all, it's difficult to find a
suitable secretary.

Am I not suitable then? Yes, yes, I
think I've been very lucky.

Do you?

After all, I don't expect Miss
Lamplighter would have known anything

Colonel O 'Grady.

Oh.

Well, you mustn't stand here gossiping
like this.

Lord Carshini's installation begins
shortly.

Poor man.

Poor us.

And to think we've got to go through all
this again in a few months' time with a

new Lord Rector. Well, it won't do
anybody any harm.

I wish I could persuade Professor Heyman
to take that view.

Have you ever seen a Senate in
procession? No.

Then we must complete your education
this morning.

Did you ever see such a conglomeration?

Wouldn't you think now they'd have
something better to do with their time

to be churning out neat little bundles
of middle of bad doctors, Parsons and

schoolteachers twice a year, what?

And yet, you know, once in a while they
do send out into the world a young,

fresh -faced boy with a germ in his
skull.

And the germ crawls round in a boat and
grows until with the years...

It bursts, and then he turns the tripes
out of the universe.

If they were all like Heyman, there
wouldn't be any fresh -faced boys at

But they're not all like Heyman.

There's one or two of them on our side.

You are aware, ladies and gentlemen,
that the pursuit of knowledge continues

with unabated fervor at this university
during the rectorial celebrations.

In other universities, this is a time of
holiday, but here our masters decree

otherwise.

I therefore reluctantly draw your
attention to the importance of the

of pH to the isoelectric point in the
precipitation from solutions of proteins

and related substances.

Mr. Heyman appears to be suffering from
some disturbance of the vagus nerve.

If he can find some means of controlling
it, he will place us all under a heavy

burden of gratitude.

Professor Bacon, I know an infallible
cure for Heyman's complaint.

If Mr. Heyman is agreeable, I wish you
would apply it to him. It involves the

swallowing of a certain quantity of
water where the auditory miatae and

passages are manually occluded.

Yes, yes, do what you can for him.

The pH... of the mother liquor is the
determining factor in the isolation of

hormones.

Thyroxine, insulin, anterior pituitary.

Provided that the solution is not at the
isoelectric point of insulin.

Insulin is soluble in water, up to 80%,

and in alcohol.

What is going on up there? I think the
president of the Temperance Society is

feeling a little off colour, sir.

Well, you'd better take him out into the
fresh air.

Oh, yes, sir. What a good idea. The
fresh air will have a splendid effect on

him, sir.

I repeat, ladies and gentlemen, that
insulin is soluble in water.

alcohol. That's your fifth.

Feeling better?

Much better.

Lord Carshini, you won't have to stay
long. No?

You had to come, of course.

All this festivity is in your honour.
Oh.

We always do it after we install a new
Lord Rector. Yeah.

Good idea, really.

Makes settling down to hard work quite a
pleasant change.

Principal ordered me to. Did he?

Did he really?

Well, in a way. Well, I must say, this
place is like a wet Sunday on a cruise

station until you arrive.

I suppose all the students are not here
tonight, Bob.

Yes.

No, no, not all.

Officer.

I have a friend.

Sitting on a bench in McClatham Park.

Where, where?

He's drunk. Do you tell me that now?

I am but a child in these matters. Yes,
yes.

Will you kindly tell me what I can do to
restore my friend to Sir Brad?

Tell your friend to go home and lie down
like a good boy and he'll be fine,

fine.

Does your friend know the way?

Perfectly. He's not going home, you
know.

He's going to see Nellie.

Good evening, Professor Heyman. What is
it?

There's a lighting arrangement here
tonight, provocative in the extreme.

You have found it, sir?

I've found one alcove in almost complete
darkness.

No harm has been done so far, but...

Professor Heyman.

My dear Lady Duffy.

I haven't seen Adolphus this evening.

Adolphus, unfortunately, is not with us.

Earlier in the day, I charged him with
some business concerning the welfare of

the university.

Well, you're expecting a lot of a girl.

It might be anything.

It is.

You are in a queer way, aren't you?

Very well.

What is it? You promised to show me what
was behind.

Blush cotton.

Did I?

Well, that's easy. Go and have a wee
look for yourself.

Is that all?

Oh, it's a disappointment to me. A
bitter disappointment.

I'm going to the Red Lion.

Oh, no, you don't. You'll be safer here
than me.

Shall I, sweet Nellie? Of course you
will.

I believe I will.

Besides, there's a bit more to see down
below.

Then let's go down below.

Nellie, Nellie.

Why? What are you worrying about?

I got you off this morning, didn't I?

I know, but... I'm sure old Haywire's
made up his mind to get me kicked out.

did. If he does see a lawyer... No, I
couldn't do that. I wouldn't be playing

the game. What game?

Oh, I don't know.

There's some things you can do in a
place like this and some things you

I'm a little tired of the things you
can't do at this dance.

So am I. Let's go down to Dan's place.

At least you can do anything you want
there.

Come on, I'll get a taxi.

going so soon?

I want to get out of here before Rigor
Mortis sets in. But we haven't had a

dance yet.

I know.

I thought perhaps it wasn't allowed.

Of course it is.

You've left it too late.

Good night, Fidelis. Good night, Mr.
Sheltie. Good night, Miss Landbiter.

I wrote that.

Who's that?

Who's that?

I know who that was.

Chelsea. Oh, Chelsea.

Oh, Chelsea.

The university authorities have certain
disquieting information.

about what's happening tonight at an
establishment in the High Street known

the Plough and the Stars.

You're not expecting us to read it,
surely? There's no harm in the place.

The clerk of Senate has ordered me to
investigate, and I shall need

Charlie. I want to dance a reel.

I say, can we have a reel?

Oh, no, look, we must.

Oh, we must have a reel.

That's no good. Now we'll find a reel.

Let's reel.

Reel. Let's reel.

You're welcome.

I have orders from the university
authorities to make certain inquiries

this establishment.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Adolphus has been letting his side down.

Drunk? Wonderfully.

Hey, hey, get away, Mr. Martha.

I'm surprised that you, a new president
of the Students' Union, take yourself

onto the piano stand there and play
something loud.

Come on now, sit down and get playing.
What are we paying you for? Come on now,

get dancing. Get dancing and behave
yourselves like a lot of distant and

Christians. Come on now.

What good and holy have you been up to?
Me?

Letting the poor fellow get into this
state.

I did nothing of the sort. Let him get
into any kind of state.

He was as poor as a puggy when I found
him. Is he all right now? He'll do.

All right, I'll let the police in.

It might have been as well if we'd come
down to the fire escape after all. This

way, sir.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, this is
not a police raid.

This gentleman here is wanting a word or
two with one or two of the young

gentlemen from the university.

Heaven's helpers, there's the university
battalions. What can he do?

Nothing but if he comes in here and sees
this car, there's going to be the

devil's own row.

And he and the state he's in.

If his father could see him now.

Look, we'd better get him out of here at
once.

Willie.

Go you and get hold of Mr. McEntee. Aye,
right, Sergeant.

I'm surprised to see you here, Mr.
Mather.

The surprise is quite mutual, Bedellus.

Yes,

sir.

You, sir.

What's your name?

What's in that empty lemonade bottles

insider. Get him into a taxi and take
him to my place.

We'll follow up.

Come on, son. You're home at last.

Now, over here.

Whoa. Whoa.

Now we've got your bag off, we'll have a
wee cup of tea. There's nothing like

it.

You'll not go to sleep yet, though.

Here. Wake up.

Are you all right?

Mr. Hayman.

Adolphus.

Oh, Mr. McIntyre, I'm that glad to see
you.

What's wrong? Had you any trouble? No,
no trouble at all.

How is he?

Mr. McEntee, I think he's dead. Dead?

Come on, Mr. Heyman, pull yourself
together.

Look, Nellie, I wonder would you get me
a glass like a good girl?

Yes, Mr. McEntee.

Where did you get this?

Woolworths, Mr. McEntee.

Woolworths, that's... All right, give me
the other hand.

Now, Mr. Heyman, get that into here.

Good evening, Mr. Heyman.

Where am I? Your fiancée brought you
here.

My what?

Your fiancée, this little girl here.

We've never met.

Oh, the real liar.

After you kissing her and squeezing her
and hugging her.

and telling her how much she loved her,
and then buying her an engagement ring.

You certainly did.

Look here, I... Why weren't you at the
ball tonight?

Was I not? No.

Where was I? You were celebrating your
engagement.

How can I explain?

Only silly people have to explain, don't
they, Miss... What's your fiancé's

name? No idea.

Nearly Kayleigh.

What happened to Mr. Shelty?

Mr. Shelty's in jail.

Jail? We want to bail him out.

Have you any money? My money.

What? No money.

Of course he's got money.

No. Only for Mr. Shetty, you might have
been in jail yourself, and your father

might have had to bail you out.

Those are the subscriptions for the
temperance society.

Come on, you'd better show him in the
way.

Righty -o.

Go on, Miss Haven.

Time you were getting into bed. I'll get
you a drink.

About Nellie.

You know, I really don't know what makes
you think.

Well, now, what conclusion could any
reasonable man come to? What? Whenever

finds a young fellow like you bundling a
girl into a sack to take her home to

your parents, huh?

Oh, I must have been in a terrible
state. I tell you, you had the young

black and blue.

It just shows there's a lot of the beast
in all of us.

Go on, into bed.

Dad. What?

Thank you very much for being so kind.

You and Shelty and Miss Shaw.

Oh, not at all. That was nothing. Come
on now, like a decent fellow. Into the

bed with you.

That's good.

You know, Nellie is a nice looking girl.

Nellie's a good girl.

She'd do you no harm.

No harm at all.

Now, what's the matter? What did I do
with the receipt for your bail money?

I've got it somewhere.

I hear it is. Thank goodness.

Master Heyman will need that to balance
the books of the Temperance Society.

And through here.

Do you know where you are now?

I can find my own way from here.

I'll push off home then.

I can't help it. You look so funny.

Poor wounded Mr. Shelty.

Here, let's make it better.

I'll wear this bandage forever now.
Nonsense. Go home. Take it off and try a

cold compress instead.

But I don't... Go home.

Oh, it's you.

May I ask what you're doing here at this
time of night? I was just going home.

You left the dance at the Giffin Hall
some time ago. Yes.

And since then? I've just been getting
some fresh air.

Don't you think it would be less
indiscreet if you got your fresh air, as

call it, outside the precincts of the
university?

You're being abominably rude.

I'm sorry.

Forget it.

Oh, of course.

I realise I'm only the...

dull, elderly principal of a Scottish
university.

I cannot... Oh, for goodness sake. I've
been rescuing silly little boys all

evening and I don't want any more of it.

I beg your pardon. I don't quite... I'm
tired.

May I go home now?

Of course. It was thoughtless of me.

You must forgive me. I apologise, Miss
Lamplighter. Sure.

Oh, Miss Shaw, I mean.

Good night, then.

Good night, Miss Shaw.

Ah, good morning. Good morning, Lord
Kasheni. The principal should be here in

moment. Yes, I just came in to say
goodbye to him and to thank him for a

interesting and most delightful visit.

You're escaping just in time. After
today, your experiences here will seem

a Sunday school treat.

Oh, bless my soul.

Yes, indeed.

Lord Kasheni?

Yes? This is a lovely place. It should
be heaven for young people. And there's

nasty old beast called Haman spoiling it
all.

Haman? Yes, Haman.

Why can't you give him the push?

The push?

Oh, yes.

I'm afraid I don't quite know the extent
of my authority.

You can do anything you want.

Ah, yes, indeed.

That's just what makes this such a
difficult job, my dear young lady.

But I tell you what. My successor will
be appointed in a few months' time, and

I'll ask him to do it for you.

That's it when I know who it is.

Good morning. Oh, good morning. Good
morning, Monsieur.

Good morning, Sir Archibald.

You just off, Lord Carson? Yes, I just
came in to say goodbye.

And now you can all settle down to some
really hard work. What?

This class normally consists of 47
students.

Where are the other 44?

I don't know, sir.

There seems to be something queer going
on.

Where's the meeting? At the Union, half
past two.

Will Shelty get the sack?

I expect so.

But you mustn't let him. I can't stop
it. Of course you can.

You can do anything if you try.

I respect Mr. Shelty's right to make
what he chooses of his life.

I think he'll make something pretty good
of it.

And so far as this university is
concerned, it seems that he can't behave

himself. Yes, he can.

I'll see that he does.

All this fuss and bother about a nice
young man and a perfectly nice dance

That is not how the dance hall was
described to me. You don't know anything

about it.

Let's go around there tonight and you
can see for yourself.

What? Well, wouldn't you like that?

My good woman, are you aware that I'm
the principal of this university?

Professor Heyman thinks he is.

Why are you afraid of that old two yards
of misery?

This university is a large institution
which has to be run on certain lines.

These lines are laid down by the
university court and by the senate. It's

duty to support them.

Even when they're wrong?

Even when I disagree with them. I see.

So you're not coming out with me
tonight.

I think I'll go anyhow.

I'll find Mr. Shelty.

He'll take me.

You seem to have got on to very rapid
good terms with Mr.

Shelty. Of course. I get on to very good
terms with practically everybody.

Miss Shaw.

Yes, Sir Archibald.

Are you fond of this young man?

Why do you ask?

Well, I wanted to know.

Mr. Principal, I am not the kind of girl
who robs cradles.

No. No, of course not.

Shorty's a baby.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

I think I may have been a little unfair
to you, Miss Shaw.

Ada. I beg your pardon?

My name is Ada.

Oh.

Miss Shaw.

Ada. Hmm?

Ada.

I realize that I'm dull. No, you're not.
Yes, I am.

I'm not at all the sort of person that
you're accustomed to. Thank goodness.

The academic life makes one a little
pompous and boring and self -centered.

it doesn't. And you're not, honestly.

Oh, yes, I am.

And I'm considerably older than you are.
Not much. Only 20 years.

Well, 15.

15 years is quite a big difference.

It doesn't worry me, anyhow.

You can't be sure.

I'm certain.

Are you?

I think it's rather nice if the man has
more experience than the woman.

Do you?

Yes.

But if the man is so much older, isn't
it wrong to take advantage of the girl's

youth? But he hasn't taken advantage of
the girl's youth, has he?

Perhaps he feels he might be a
disappointment to her.

How does he know until he tries?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.

I've only known you for three days.

Two, to be academic.

Two? Don't be silly.

Shelty wouldn't have thought twice about
it.

I see no particular reason why we should
discuss Mr. Shelty at all.

All right, then we won't. And you accept
my apology?

Whatever for?

For what happened just now.

No, I won't.

I'm tired of doing all the work for you.

And I think it's about time you
apologize for pretending to be dull,

self -centered, boring, and old.

And you're nothing of the sort.

I'm looking for someone.

He was called O 'Grady once.

General Conall O 'Grady.

He sounds very important.

I've... I've just got to post some
letters.

Do come with me, and then you can tell
me all about General... What did you

him?

We are assembled here today to discuss
certain aspects of the higher direction

of this university.

Apart from certain influences of which
you are all aware...

ready now, I think, gentlemen.

This meeting has been called to enable
Professor Heyman to make certain

I invite him to make them.

We are confronted today, gentlemen, with
the consideration of the most unsavory

affair that has ever, in my experience,
come before the senatus academicus of

this university.

We are threatened from within and from
without!

that you have been very busy with
affairs, both within and without the

university. But one is perhaps a little
inclined to forget that the reins of

discipline require a very firm hand.

And we have decided, sitting here in
solemn conclave... Quite. Let's get this

over.

Bedellus, bring Mr. Shelty in.

Well, Mr. Schulte, what's the matter
with your eye?

It was black, sir.

I've got a black eye.

I see.

Mr. Schulte, the Senate has considered
your case as sympathetically as

Last night, you used abusive language
and assaulted the police.

Yes, sir.

Well, that's right, sir.

That sort of thing does your university
no credit, Mr. Schulte.

Students are being victimized. They're
being ham... from right and left. We

take action. We must defend ourselves.

And who knows who may be next.

And so, Mr. Shelty, I have no
alternative but to send you down.

Why?

Why must you send him down? Really, Mr.
Principal?

I'm in the hands of the Senate.

No, you're not.

You're the head of this university. You
can do what you like.

Can't you?

And did you never hit a policeman?

That is neither here nor there. That'll
do, Shelter. You may go.

We shall consider next the case of
Porter McEntee.

Fidelis, I'll see McEntee now.

You ruined that, boy.

And you had no right to do it. I call it
a damn shame.

I have never in my life heard the like
of this before.

then your education has been neglected.

Miss Shaw, you've been invited to take
the minutes, not to provide them.

Good afternoon, sir.

That's a beautiful day.

Yes, beautiful.

Well, McEntee, we're about to lose you.
Yes.

You understand why?

Oh, perfectly.

Perfectly. Very well, then. I hope it's
not too late for you to pull yourself

together.

Goodbye. Goodbye, sir.

That concludes our business for the day,
gentlemen. One moment.

McEntee here. That concludes our
business, Heyman.

You may go, gentlemen.

Yes, but the Cape McEntee... If you have
any personal business with Mr. McEntee,

it'll be dealt with in private.

I've a word or two to say to you, my
man. And I to you, since the opportunity

offers. I, uh...

I've compiled a short memorandum
indicating the points at which this man

has put himself within the grasp of the
law. Need we worry about that now?

Certainly we must. It's a public duty.
When you've read this letter, I propose

that you sign it at once and send it to
the public prosecutor.

But why?

I see no reason. The man's a criminal.

Apart from the fact that he's a
bookmaker, I... Easy now.

There is that in the documents that'll
wipe that grin off your face. I have

evidence here to show your dance
establishment to be nothing better than

disorderly house. There's nothing
disorderly about it. And for that you

flogged, sir. I cannot understand the
attitude of the principal, but I know my

own duty as a citizen. And as I say it
with all reverence, an humble instrument

of providence.

Providence, is it?

Do you think that... Providence is a
drunken slot in a kitchen fight to pick

the likes of you to throw at the likes
of me.

The black and tans in Ireland tried it.
The fellas with the long coats and the

hats pulled down over their eyes. They
tried to get me with their bombs and

their bullets, but they failed. Do you
think I'll go down before a crack joint

or jumped up Bible thumper the likes of
you? Thank God, man, I could break you

with my knee.

Your own connection with this university
is rapidly drawing to a close. That

will do, Heyman. Miss Shaw is my
personal affair.

I have no doubt of that, if that is how
you choose to describe her. The Senate

may take a serious view. Do you want me
to resign?

No, I don't.

I need you. I know that. I told you so
myself.

Then I won't resign.

You'll take that accusation back before
I push your ill -fitting false teeth

down your throat. I'll not take back a
word of it. Your establishment is

but a house of ill fame.

might be disturbed to know that your son
is engaged to marry its leading lady.

What did you say?

Your son is engaged to marry Miss Nellie
Kelly, the principal dance hostess.

I don't believe it.

This is a vile slander. Well, why not
fetch him in and ask him?

He's probably outside now with a bunch
of students.

He's sure she's a nice little girl. He's
done well for himself.

She'll bring a better life into the
family.

Fidelis, is Mr. Hayman outside?

Is this true, Adolphus? Is what true?

That you've been trapped into an
alliance with a woman?

Well, yes, I suppose I was. There you
are, Mr. Principal. If further evidence

were needed of McEntee's nefarious
trade... Oh, but I want to stay... Be

boy. But I want to stay trapped. I like
it.

Miss Kelly and I have discussed the
matter in some detail.

We find we have certain affinities. Give
me strength.

Certainly. Do you know, I happen to have
discovered that a little of this...

Shall we have a drink all round to
celebrate?

Holy Moses!

My whiskey!

And three quarters gone, eh?

This is too much.

Oh, you've seen nothing yet. Wait till
you see the deputation.

Deputation? From the students, sir.
They're waiting outside. Shall I bring

in? Yes. No, wait a minute.

General O 'Grady?

Easy, easy, easy now, easy.

Haven't I shed enough blood for Ireland?

What the devil's all this about?

Oh, I think perhaps you've mistaken my
intentions.

Are you the head of this university,
sir?

Up to a short time ago, that was my
belief.

Well, that's my name.

You will see from that that I am a
private inquiry agent with offices in

York, London, Paris, Madrid, Buenos
Aires, and Cape Town.

My clients in this instance are the
governing body of the University of

Thermopylae in Pennsylvania.

They were unable to obtain General O
'Grady's address from his publishers,

seem to have lost track of him.

My mission is to present General O
'Grady with their invitation to occupy

chair of Celtic literature at that
university.

But that's Mac and T, the main gate
porter at the university.

At least he was the porter until a few
minutes ago.

Bedellus, for heaven's sake, what is
happening outside?

Go and find out at once.

Bedellus, shut the door and keep that
noise out.

What do you want, Millicent? Good
afternoon, sir. Good afternoon.

What's this, a revolution or a lynching?
Neither, sir.

Mr. Vice -Chancellor, sir, I have the
honour to announce on behalf of a mass

meeting of the students of this
university the unanimous nomination of a

candidate for the office of Lord Rector,
which, as you know, sir, will require

to be filled in six months' time.

And I hand you now the aforementioned
nomination, which has been signed by 20

alumni according to the ordinance.

Surely very unusual to have a unanimous
vote at this stage.

Yes, sir.

I'm glad to know that Lord Duffy's so
popular.

Lord Duffy, sir. But surely...

Mr. Conall O 'Grady, sir. Great Irish
poet, sir.

Yes, that's him.

He, I mean.

Mr. Principal and Professor Heyman, you
didn't know it, but your gate porter is

a great man.

He is a knight of the Holy Roman Empire
and of the Order of Chastity, first

degree. He's a doctor of civil law of
Oxford.

He's a doctor of letters and commercial
drama of Yale.

He's a Nobel Prize man. He's... He's 62
years old.

And for years, Professor Heyman, he's
been touching his head to silly old men

like you as if he were nobody.

Well, he's obviously somebody now.

I think you'd better go out and speak to
them. You can't be serious. This is an

outrage.

Mr. Principal, you're not seriously
proposing to accept the nomination of

person for one of the most exalted
offices in this university.

But I must.

It's all perfectly in order.

Then I shall resign.

I beg your pardon?

He said he would resign.

He said it before a witness.

One more thing, Heyman. After your
resignation, it might be wise to

Senate to overlook the matter of Mr.
Shelty and the incident in the cafe,

regard to all the circumstances.

Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.

Well, I hope you'll all forgive me if I
address you in halting, inarticulate

tones. But I feel like one who's come
out of the long

darkness into the bright sunshine of the
proudest day of my life.

Now, I'm a tough man.

scarred and battered by battle and
catastrophe, until I've got a hide on me

tough as a rhinoceros.

But I have my Achilles' heel.

It beats right here on the left side of
me chest.

And you have found a way to it.

I suppose this is the moment for me to
resign, too.

You're going to resign, all right.

I refuse to be in love with my
secretary.

I'm not old or pompous anymore.

I feel the same age as any one of those
young thugs yelling out there.

I want you very, very much to marry me.