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1
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:04,003
* Doo, be, doo, be, doo
2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:06,140
* Doo, be, doo-be-doo
* Doobee, doobee, doobee-do *
3
00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:09,377
* Doo, be, doo-be-doo
* Doobee-doobee-do be-dah *
4
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:12,746
* Doobee-doobee-do be-dah *
* Doo, be, doo, be, doo
5
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:16,917
* Doobee-doobee-do be-dah *
* Doo, boo, doo, be-bah
6
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,520
* Doo, be...
7
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,423
* Doo, doo, doobee
8
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:25,226
* Doo, doo-wah.
9
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:26,827
(school bell ringing)
10
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,862
All right, class.
11
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,764
Recess is over.
12
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:32,700
(all grumbling)
13
00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:34,602
I know.
14
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:37,105
Malcolm, I think
you should say something
15
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,372
to your classmates.
16
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,608
They stayed inside
while you were out
17
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,476
playing ball with your friends.
18
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,015
Thanks.
19
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:51,585
* Yes, no, maybe
20
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:54,122
* I don't know
21
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:57,391
* Can you repeat the question?
22
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,593
* You're not the boss
of me now *
23
00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:01,962
* You're not
the boss of me now *
24
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,397
* You're not the boss
of me now *
25
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,467
* And you're not so big
26
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,969
* You're not the boss
of me now *
27
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,971
* You're not
the boss of me now *
28
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:13,541
* You're not the boss
of me now *
29
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:16,277
* And you're not so big
30
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:19,980
* Life is unfair.
31
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:22,616
(groans)
32
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,985
I don't know why Mom makes me
get up at 8:00.
33
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,488
School doesn't even start
till 8:15.
34
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,431
What are you doing?
35
00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:38,766
Nothing.
36
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,768
You look different.
37
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,236
I took a shower.
38
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:43,204
I knew it!
39
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,240
(humming)
40
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,841
REPORTER: ...on the state-
legislature-sponsored initiative
41
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,410
limiting the cabinet's attitude
42
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,280
of overanalyzing past
and current positions,
43
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,947
aimed toward curbing this type
of governmental interference.
44
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:57,518
In international news,
boring, boring, boring.
45
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:58,852
I'm incredibly boring.
46
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:01,255
Do you know who's boring? Me.
47
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,624
Boring, goring, zoring,
loring, doring, noring, foring.
48
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:06,093
Why haven't you changed
the channel yet?
49
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,529
(cartoons playing)
50
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:19,173
What? I took a shower.
51
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:20,608
Is that a crime?
52
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,943
Reese, is this going
to be a daily thing?
53
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,512
Because we got a schedule...
54
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,815
Honey, let me
handle this.
55
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,950
Son, are you on drugs?
56
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,785
No, it's just...
57
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,355
Why doesn't everyone
just leave me alone?!
58
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:38,559
Wow. Usually we don't get
someone storming off
59
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,028
from the table
until after pancakes.
60
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,363
ANNOUNCER:
Hey, kids, it's a new,
61
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,232
improved sleepy-time Herbie,
62
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,200
now with super-sleepy
fuzzy fur.
63
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,469
I'm sleepy.
64
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,903
Herbie's not available
in stores.
65
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:50,971
Order yours now
66
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,873
through this special TV offer.
67
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,242
(yawns) Hi, Dewey.
68
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:55,543
I can make you happy.
69
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,411
I can make your brothers
be nice to you.
70
00:02:57,445 --> 00:03:00,214
I can get you out of school.
71
00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:02,683
Your parents want
to buy me for you.
72
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,752
All you got to do is ask them.
73
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,520
They're right there
in the kitchen.
74
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:07,821
Why don't you go ask them?
75
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,890
Go on. Yeah.
76
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,292
Go ask them.
77
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,727
Can you buy me
a Herbie?
78
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:16,330
No, they're too expensive.
79
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,499
Maybe. Ask me again
in four seconds.
80
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:22,002
Can you buy me a Herbie, please?
81
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,437
Didn't you just hear me?
82
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:24,605
I said no.
83
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,206
Ask louder.
84
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:30,711
Son, what were you thinking?!
85
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:33,046
Stealing 200 frogs
from the biology lab
86
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,215
and setting them loose
on the highway!
87
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:38,118
I was freeing the
alleged frog, sir.
88
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:41,054
Killing live animals in the
name of science is inhumane.
89
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:44,224
No! Inhumane is
sitting in a car
90
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,226
for two and a half hours
91
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:49,129
when I live only eight blocks
from campus.
92
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:50,230
Sir, I didn't mean to...
93
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:51,632
I am very tired
94
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,468
of all the things
that you didn't mean to do.
95
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:57,371
You didn't mean to come in
four hours after curfew.
96
00:03:57,405 --> 00:04:00,207
You didn't mean to replace
the morning reveille record
97
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,311
with a selection from
trip-hop wizard Tricky.
98
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:06,414
Maybe I should
just rename this
99
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:10,050
"Francis's
'I didn't mean to' file."
100
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,985
That would be
a bold choice, sir.
101
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,421
Glibness.
102
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:14,788
What a surprise.
103
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:18,392
I'm giving you exactly
ten seconds to tell me
104
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:21,094
why I shouldn't put you
on latrine detail
105
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,996
for the rest of this semester.
106
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:25,999
Okay. Um, why shouldn't
I have to clean toilets
107
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,001
for the next three months?
108
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,937
It's an intriguing question.
109
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,572
Is that a new tie, sir?
110
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,407
Four seconds.
111
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,343
What a beautiful beach.
112
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,277
Did you take this, sir?
'Cause...
113
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:40,914
you've certainly captured
your young male friend's Speedo.
114
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,783
That is a picture of me.
115
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,117
Now, if I were you,
116
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:47,321
I wouldn't try
to distract me and...
117
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:56,697
Sir?
118
00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,533
Sir?
119
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:00,834
Hmm?
120
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,705
That'll be all, Cadet.
121
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:13,414
(sobbing)
122
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,157
(sobbing stops)
123
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,693
Were you crying?
124
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,227
No, I was reading.
125
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,328
You don't read.
126
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,197
Just shut the door, Krelboyne.
127
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,368
(sobbing resumes)
128
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:37,838
I'm still in here, perv!
129
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,309
(sobbing)
130
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,944
Ha! You're crying.
131
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,780
Oh, man. You're crying.
132
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,018
You don't want
to talk about it, do you?
133
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,554
It's about a girl.
134
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,188
I should've just walked away.
135
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,491
Wendy Finnerman-- she hates me.
136
00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:58,926
I don't know what to do.
137
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,261
I've tried everything
to make her like me.
138
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,130
(girls chattering)
139
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,768
(laughing)
140
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:12,205
(laughing)
141
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,877
(laughing)
142
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:24,351
I'm toilet-papering
her house tonight.
143
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,687
If that doesn't work,
I'm out of ideas.
144
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,922
Look, Reese,
maybe I can help you.
145
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,290
What am I
supposed to do?
146
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:31,859
I don't know.
147
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,094
Just try anything
that doesn't make her cry.
148
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,530
I guess you could start off
149
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,065
by finding out stuff about her.
150
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,967
You know, do the things
she likes to do.
151
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,803
Is that before or after
I go T.P. her house?
152
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:43,937
Instead.
153
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,939
All right.
154
00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,340
I'll try it your way.
155
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,409
Thanks.
156
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,978
No problem.
157
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,880
I know I'm going
to pay for this, but...
158
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,114
(singsongy):
Reese loves Wendy.
159
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,983
Reese loves Wendy.
160
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,150
Come here! Stay here!
Ha-ha!
161
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,552
(chanting):
Go Wildcats, go!
162
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,588
Go Wildcats, go, go!
163
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,156
Go Wildcats,
go, go!
164
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,425
Go Wildcats, go, go!
165
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,027
(cheering)
166
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,907
That's it.
167
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,341
(screams)
168
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,644
Reese!
169
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,485
Reese, why are you
dressed like that?!
170
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,920
I figured out
what she likes.
171
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,622
I saw her cheering
for the football team,
172
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,256
so I joined the
cheerleading squad.
173
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,692
Why didn't you join
the football team, doofus?
174
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:41,461
She's a cheerleader.
175
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:42,830
Reese, you're a guy.
176
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,666
Guy cheerleaders
are the lowest of the low,
177
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:49,136
worse than band,
worse than Krelboynes.
178
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,604
The only thing lower is that guy
179
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,606
that never takes
his hand out of his butt.
180
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:53,641
Oh, Chester?
181
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,975
He's a cheerleader, too.
182
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,610
Does a lot of solo work.
183
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:57,878
I tried to help him.
184
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,179
I gave him advice.
185
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,114
I tried reasoning with him.
186
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,483
There's only one
thing left to do:
187
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,553
sit back and
laugh my ass off.
188
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,254
Good luck.
189
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,159
Come in, Cadet.
190
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,527
Look, sir...
191
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,529
I have the floor.
192
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,300
In the short time that
you have been under my care,
193
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,170
we have had
our share of conflicts.
194
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,873
In all my efforts
to get through to you,
195
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:29,242
I have tried
every method I know how.
196
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,744
And besides
mental and physical abuse, sir,
197
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:32,712
exactly which methods
would those be?
198
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:37,083
This photo made me
realize something.
199
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:39,753
I used to be like you.
200
00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:42,322
Insolent, arrogant, cavalier.
201
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,325
Sir, I...
Floor!
202
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,260
Now, son, you are
203
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:49,863
on the precipice.
204
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,337
Now, I am going
to tell you a story
205
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,608
about my life, in the hopes
of finally getting you
206
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:02,275
to straighten yourself out.
207
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,778
Now, in the coming hours,
you are going to hear things
208
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,413
that are going to horrify you.
209
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,949
It sounds illuminating, sir,
but I have biology.
210
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,350
I've taken the liberty
211
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,886
of canceling
your next three classes.
212
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:18,225
Son, do you know
what a wet nurse is?
213
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,046
Dewey, have you forgotten me?
I thought we were friends.
214
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,748
All of the boys and girls
215
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:43,050
on your street are my friends.
216
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,484
They all bought me.
217
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,720
Your parents have lots of money.
218
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,055
They're just hiding it.
219
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,624
But I don't want you
to buy me for me.
220
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,125
It's for your own good.
221
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,927
I didn't want to tell you this,
222
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,664
but if you don't buy me,
you'll die.
223
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,567
Honestly, Hal, I don't know
what's wrong with Reese.
224
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,169
Oh, he's just
a little slow.
225
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,104
No. I mean the way
he's been acting.
226
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,106
Hey, Mom, where's the iron?
227
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,307
Ah.
228
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,911
It's a girl.
It's a girl.
229
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,846
Hal, it's time
for the talk.
230
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,614
I don't know
what you mean.
231
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,183
The talk, Hal.
232
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,418
Oh, geez, he's a little young,
don't you think?
233
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,121
You waited so long with Francis;
look what happened there.
234
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,523
All right,
but if I'm giving the talk,
235
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,325
all three boys are getting it
at the same time.
236
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,827
And I'm not doing it again.
237
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,962
So if we have any more kids,
they're on their own.
238
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:34,301
Mom, Dad,
I'd really like a Herbie doll.
239
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,270
I know it's expensive,
but I don't ask for a lot.
240
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,139
And I've been
very good lately.
241
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:42,209
I want it! I want it!
I want it! I want it!
242
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,544
I want it! I want it! I want it!
243
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,213
Looks like he
found the sugar.
244
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,817
Oh, doesn't he look
just like a little dust mop?
245
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:50,984
(chanting):
Ready? Hit it.
246
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,821
B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!
247
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,791
B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!
248
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,326
(clapping rhythmically)
249
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,028
What's that spell?
250
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,062
Be aggressive!
251
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,831
B-E aggressive!
252
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,033
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.
253
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,568
That's the Wildcats' battle cry!
254
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,738
What a... geek.
255
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:12,740
I never thought...
256
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,207
I'd get... to say that.
257
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,843
Oh, my God.
258
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:18,245
I'm a Krelboyne with a
brother who's a cheerleader.
259
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,913
I could wet my
pants in public,
260
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,681
and it would be
a lateral move.
261
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,650
...O-R-Y.
262
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,218
That's the Wildcats' battle cry!
263
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,254
Success!
264
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,488
Victory, success!
265
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,190
Victory, yes!
266
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,060
Ow! Ow!
267
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,328
So clumsy.
(girls murmuring)
268
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,663
Hey, Malcolm,
269
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,499
you think your brother
will lend me his corset?
270
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,268
When a Krelboyne
makes fun of you,
271
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,770
you know you're
in trouble.
272
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,738
See, that comment was
playing off the concept
273
00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:46,774
that we all have
specific notions
274
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:49,076
of gender-appropriate roles.
275
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,778
At least they're
no good at it.
276
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,212
So there we were--
277
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,581
the ocean,
my stepfather and me.
278
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,683
As the storm raged overhead,
279
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,386
he made one final lunge
for the rudder.
280
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,856
I ripped it from his hands
and stared him down.
281
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:06,059
He knew that I was prepared
to kill him.
282
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:07,861
I left port
283
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,197
that day a 16-year-old boy.
284
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,499
I returned a man.
285
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,303
That was an amazing
story, sir.
286
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,471
I mean, I was
skeptical at first,
287
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,908
but we do have
something in common.
288
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:24,744
I mean, look at the way
both our mothers abandoned us.
289
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,579
What are you talking about?
290
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,248
You know, how I was
shipped off here
291
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,383
and you were left with your
wet nurse for all those years.
292
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,720
That story had nothing
to do with my mother.
293
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,557
It had to do with me
finally taking responsibility
294
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,226
for my own actions.
295
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,761
Just sounded like she may
have been a little bit distant.
296
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,997
Well, that is none
of your business.
297
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:47,134
I swear, you are absolutely
fixated on mothers.
298
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,468
I am not fixated.
299
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,070
Can you name one thing
in your life
300
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,805
that you don't blame
on your mother?
301
00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:53,706
Sure.
302
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:59,479
(grunts) I'm sorry.
I was just giving an opinion!
303
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,449
Well, it's that pop
psychology nonsense that's...
304
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,784
It is nothing to get
defensive about.
305
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,353
I am not defensive.
306
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:09,589
Every time anybody
denies a lie,
307
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,324
they're called defensive.
308
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,293
Fine. I take it back.
Your mother was a saint.
309
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,562
I am not saying
that at all.
310
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,798
Does this look anything
like a "Q"?
311
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,100
Reese, just stop this.
312
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,534
You're acting like a moron.
313
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,636
And you're making no
progress with Wendy.
314
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,106
And what the hell do you
need a "Q" for anyway?
315
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,141
You're right. I'm terrible.
316
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,844
I'm just not coordinated
unless I'm hitting somebody.
317
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,946
But I really like her.
318
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,481
I have to get good.
319
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,116
Listen to the words.
320
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,651
Good. Boy. Cheerleader.
321
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,320
Quit while you still
have some dignity.
322
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,989
Oh, and let her think
I'm a quitter?
323
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:44,824
You can't even remember
a simple six-step routine.
324
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,294
There's six steps?
325
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:50,964
Yes. It's just right, left,
right, left, reverse, pose.
326
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:53,200
You remember that
from just watching?
327
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:56,069
You guys did it,
like, ten times.
328
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:57,037
So...
329
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,405
you know my routine?
330
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,173
It's not that hard.
331
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,708
But... you know
my routine.
332
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,143
Yes, I do.
333
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,844
Look, I know where
this is going, and...
334
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:05,845
No, you don't.
335
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,247
You're going to help me.
336
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,681
That is where
I was going.
337
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,183
Oh. Good.
Let's get started.
338
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,219
No!
Oh, come on, you have to.
339
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,353
No. Don't you know
how embarrassing
340
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:14,721
that could be for me?
341
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:17,057
I know what's
more embarrassing.
What?
342
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:20,860
Getting beaten into a coma
by a good boy cheerleader.
343
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:24,531
SPANGLER: My mother was neither
a Madonna or a whore!
344
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,833
She was a damn fine woman!
345
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,268
Stick your arms out!
346
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,736
We have to sell this!
347
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:32,272
Can you move your hand
a little to the left?
348
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,840
REESE:
Spread your legs!
349
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,042
MALCOLM:
No!
350
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,243
REESE:
I said spread your legs!
351
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,344
MALCOLM:
No!
352
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,711
It's time for the talk, Hal.
353
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,380
REESE:
Come on, spread your legs!
354
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,615
MALCOLM:
I'm not spreading my legs!
355
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,455
(chanting): Fight, fight, fight!
Fight harder!
356
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,257
Wildcats, help us out, fight!
357
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:51,624
Fight, fight, fight!
358
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:52,725
Fight harder!
359
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:54,627
Wildcats, help us out, fight!
360
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:57,965
We got spirit!
Wildcats, we got spirit!
361
00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:00,633
Wildcats, we got what?
What, what, what?
362
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,602
What, what, what,
what, what, what, what?
363
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:03,903
We got spirit!
364
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,872
Wildcats, we got spirit!
365
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,541
Wildcats, we got what?
What, what, what?
366
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,910
What, what, what,
what, what, what, what?
367
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,645
We got spirit!
368
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:14,381
(cheering)
369
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,416
Yes. Yes.
370
00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:18,218
(sniffs)
371
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,753
Reese, that was incredible.
372
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,922
Who's been helping you
on your spirit kicks?
373
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,095
(laughing)
374
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:35,802
(Reese sobbing loudly)
375
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:39,639
Come on, Reese,
I really have to go!
376
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:43,310
I'm the most worthless,
putrid loser in the world.
377
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:44,777
Everybody hates me.
378
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,146
I hate me.
379
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,480
(sobbing)
380
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:48,848
Your brother in there?
381
00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:50,817
Where else?
382
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,620
Reese? Come on out.
We need to have a talk.
383
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:54,954
Finally.
384
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,090
No, Malcolm, you're in
on this talk, too.
385
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,491
Me? Why do I
have to be here?
386
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,593
Relax-- it's going to be
far worse for me
387
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,929
than it is for you.
388
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,197
Boys, this talk
389
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,665
is very important,
390
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:08,435
so I need
your undivided attention.
391
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,802
It's very important
392
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,005
that you be bored
and squirm a lot.
393
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:14,174
Now, I want to tell you
about what happens
394
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,976
when a boy really,
really likes a girl.
395
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:20,480
And, Dewey, I'll try to make
this easy for you to understand.
396
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,881
Ah.
397
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,885
Aw, man, I still
play with that.
398
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,354
Here we go.
399
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,289
You see, there's a certain thing
that happens
400
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,890
between normal, healthy people.
401
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,226
It's called chemistry.
402
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,661
Well, that doesn't happen.
403
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,196
Except maybe the first time.
404
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,564
What does happen
405
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:38,631
is this.
406
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,200
I like you.
407
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,901
(high-pitched voice):
I like you, too.
408
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,503
And if they love each other
409
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,305
and take the proper precautions,
they'll have sex.
410
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,074
But I've told you
about that already.
411
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,007
Not me.
412
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,177
Well, ask your brothers.
413
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:54,981
Now, unfortunately,
if the boy is from our family,
414
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,717
it goes a little more like this.
415
00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,018
I like you.
416
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:00,420
I hate you!
417
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,655
Now I love you!
418
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,022
Leave me alone!
419
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:05,758
Your insane neediness
is driving me away!
420
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,827
Look at me! Look at me!
421
00:17:07,859 --> 00:17:09,195
Look, oh, I'm crazy! Look-it!
422
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,663
Ooh! Ooh! Pay attention to me!
423
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,531
Look at me!
Look at me! I'm crazy!
424
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:13,833
I'm an idiot!
I'm an idiot!
425
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:14,934
Watch me crash and burn!
426
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,603
(hooting)
427
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,738
There's no explaining it.
428
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,173
It's hereditary.
429
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:21,840
And it goes back
for generations.
430
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,511
Francis has it,
so does Uncle Pete.
431
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,413
It's why your great
grandpa went to work
432
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:27,714
on that oil rig in Peru.
433
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,083
All I know is
your mother must carry
434
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,751
some sort of internal antidote,
435
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:35,955
because, through some fluke,
I was lucky enough to get her.
436
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,792
I just wanted you boys
to know what you were in for.
437
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:48,801
There was so much I
wanted to tell her...
438
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,070
but she was gone.
439
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:54,307
And I... I...
440
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:55,608
Come on, sir.
441
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:56,943
Just say it.
442
00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:59,546
I hated her!
443
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,748
(sobbing)
444
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:08,155
(sniffles)
445
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:10,890
All these issues with my mother.
446
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:14,627
I know now that this
was not an accident.
447
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,765
You know, talking with you
has helped me
448
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,334
work out some things
with my own family.
449
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,337
I mean, all those years
I blamed my parents
450
00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:28,007
for every senseless act
of self-destruction.
451
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,144
And all this time, I was
at least partially responsible
452
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,979
for a couple of them.
453
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:36,183
(school bell ringing)
454
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,331
You know, it really
means a lot to me
455
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,933
to know that I can come to you
when I need to talk.
456
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,369
Familiarity
breeds contempt, Cadet.
457
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:08,948
What are you doing?
458
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,283
What's the point?
459
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:12,452
You heard Dad. I'm doomed!
460
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,188
You can't quit! I've worked
too hard for you to quit now!
461
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:16,656
I hate to inform you, brain boy,
462
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,525
it's not about you,
it's about me.
463
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,460
That's before I spent
an entire day
464
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,861
with your hand on my ass!
465
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:22,962
You owe me!
466
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,130
I can't help you.
467
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,532
Yes, you can!
468
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,034
You can break the cycle
Dad was talking about!
469
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,736
You have to talk to Wendy!
470
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,471
I can't! I freeze up!
471
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,574
Do you want to end up
like Francis? Or Uncle Pete?
472
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:35,742
I don't care anymore!
473
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,344
Anything's better than this!
474
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:40,280
Even marrying Mom?
475
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:47,153
Dewey, your mother and I
want to talk to you.
476
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,888
You're a good boy.
477
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,223
But in life,
478
00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:51,224
being good doesn't always
479
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,859
get you the things you want.
480
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:55,595
I guess what I'm trying
to say is
481
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:57,930
that when your mother and I
don't buy you a toy,
482
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,866
it doesn't mean
that we don't love you.
483
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,268
Hmm?
484
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,270
You just have to learn
that disappointment
485
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,204
is all part of being a grown-up.
486
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:08,575
But, luckily,
you're not a grown-up yet!
487
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:09,709
Ta-da!
488
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,444
Wow!
489
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,680
(both laugh)
490
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,449
Oh, come on,
how cute is that?
491
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,352
Break me.
492
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,487
Okay.
493
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:22,955
(chuckles)
494
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,758
Okay, second row.
495
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:29,729
Okay, ready?
Here we go.
496
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:34,100
I... I...
497
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,536
Did you say something?
498
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,805
Wendy, I really like you.
499
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,308
Like when a boy likes a girl--
normal and healthy.
500
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,743
I'm sorry for hurting
you all those times.
501
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,278
I'm really
not a bad guy.
502
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:49,115
Anyways... thanks.
503
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,953
I like you, too.
504
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,457
Really?
505
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:58,791
Yeah.
506
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,494
I even kind of liked
your bad boy side, too.
507
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:10,803
(all screaming)
508
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:12,572
(gasping)
(gasping)
509
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,507
Oh, my God!
510
00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,743
Call...
511
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,412
nine...
512
00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:22,014
one...
513
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:24,216
(clamoring)
514
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:31,157
Hello, Mother?
515
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:33,426
It's Edwin.
516
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:36,463
Yes, it has been a long time.
517
00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:37,830
So be sure to try
518
00:21:37,864 --> 00:21:39,999
the new and improved
Chip-A-Roo cookie today.
519
00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:43,636
I can make you taller,
I can make you better-looking.
520
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:46,839
If you eat enough of me,
I can make you president,
521
00:21:47,707 --> 00:21:49,542
maybe even emperor of the world.
522
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,311
Honey, can you buy me
a box of these cookies?
523
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:53,880
Make it two.
524
00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:55,548
Make it two boxes.
33609
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