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1
00:00:02,070 --> 00:00:05,039
"I'll say yon grey
is not the morning's eye.
2
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,808
"'Tis but the pale reflex
of Cynthia's brow.
3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,910
"Nor that is not the lark
4
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,979
"whose notes do beat
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,815
"the vaulty heavens
so high above our head.
6
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,751
"I have more care to stay
than will to go.
7
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:20,154
Come, death. And welcome."
8
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:23,091
(all cheering)
9
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,326
Yes! He nailed it!
10
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,195
Malcolm...
11
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:31,099
that was wonderful!
12
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:34,402
So sensitive
and full of passion.
13
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:37,305
It was just beautiful.
14
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,009
Before you say anything,
15
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,611
just remember
we're best friends.
16
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,079
So that wheelchair
17
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,348
isn't gonna stop me
from kicking your ass.
18
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,584
Bring it on, Homeo.
19
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:54,222
* Yes, no, maybe
20
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,890
* I don't know
21
00:00:56,924 --> 00:01:00,128
* Can you repeat the question?
22
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,530
* You're not the boss
of me now *
23
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,864
* You're not
the boss of me now *
24
00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:06,234
* You're not the boss
of me now *
25
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:09,370
* And you're not so big
26
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,971
* You're not the boss
of me now *
27
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:13,874
* You're not
the boss of me now *
28
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,377
* You're not the boss
of me now *
29
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,147
* And you're not so big
30
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:22,316
* Life is unfair.
31
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,787
LOIS: What do you mean
what happens when you die?
32
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,322
You're dead.
33
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:30,224
That's it.
Oh, now,
34
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,393
honey, that's not quite true.
35
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,827
Actually, son, after death
36
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:34,928
your body undergoes
37
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,964
a fascinating series of changes.
38
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,133
First, it bloats up
like a balloon.
39
00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:40,634
Then shrivels like a raisin.
40
00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:42,603
Then tiny microbes
41
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,972
you can't even see,
but are on you right now,
42
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,974
start to devour your flesh
43
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,943
and return all the elements
in your body back to the soil.
44
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,979
Now, some people will tell you
45
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:56,016
that your hair keeps growing,
but that's... that's a myth.
46
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:58,018
It's actually your head
that shrinks.
47
00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:01,021
Now, go get ready
for Aunt Helen's funeral.
48
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,494
Julie, listen, I'm sorry
I'm canceling out so late.
49
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,196
That's okay.
50
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,763
I mean, it's a funeral.
51
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,965
So, were you close
with your aunt?
52
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,601
No, but I guess my mom was.
53
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,836
She keeps saying
how important this is.
54
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,538
Anyway, I'm really sorry.
55
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,373
Especially since you're stuck
with the extra ticket.
56
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:20,674
Well, that's okay.
57
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:21,975
Maybe I'll ask Jimmy to go.
58
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:23,177
Who's Jimmy?
59
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:24,878
Jimmy Westcott.
He plays football.
60
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,113
Bye.
61
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,815
(dial tone drones)
(sighs)
62
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,818
Oh, yeah. Life's fair.
63
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,653
Did you call that girl?
64
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,355
Yes, I called her.
65
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,989
I called her and told her
I couldn't go to the concert.
66
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:38,125
And now she's probably going
to invite someone else.
67
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,329
Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry
that my mother's sister--
68
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,232
the woman who took care of me
every day after school--
69
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,300
had to die and inconvenience
70
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,535
your social life.
71
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,337
She does it on purpose.
72
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:53,006
I could have made up a million
different escape plans,
73
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,277
but now my brain
is filled with mom guilt.
74
00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:06,487
Who's this?
75
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,021
How should I know?
76
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,089
Hal?
77
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,659
Beats me.
78
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,727
Dewey?
79
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:16,897
Is this a friend of yours?
80
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,499
Uh-huh.
Who is he?
81
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,533
I don't know.
82
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,771
What's your name, son?
83
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,174
(quietly):
Egg.
84
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,509
Did he say Greg?
85
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,444
I thought he said Craig.
86
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:32,079
His name is Egg.
87
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,715
"Egg"?
I named him.
88
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,350
Well, you can't keep him.
89
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,719
He needs to go home, okay?
90
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,389
Okay.
91
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,923
This stinks.
92
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,359
Whether it's a wedding,
a funeral or court date,
93
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,395
these family gatherings
are always the same.
94
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,398
Ooh! I just can't take
my hands off that face!
95
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,666
(women clamoring)
96
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,437
I can't wait till I get zits.
97
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,606
At least then I can fight back.
98
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,374
Hal, you have to get ready.
99
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,776
Why are you still messing around
with those record albums?
100
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,212
Well, I thought I was gonna
spend today in the garage
101
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,047
listening to them
on my quadraphonic.
102
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,215
But now that we're going
to the funeral,
103
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,117
I have to reseal
the shrink wrap.
104
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:11,251
Hal!
I'll hurry, okay?
105
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,653
I have to get
my speech ready anyway.
106
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,655
Honey, you know
you don't have to talk
107
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,055
at every funeral we go to.
108
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,625
Whew, I wish that were true.
109
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,259
You see how people look to me
110
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,329
when they ask if somebody has
a few words to say?
111
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:23,397
They're not looking to you,
they're looking at you.
112
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,333
To, at... what's
the difference?
113
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,435
(phone ringing)
(groans)
114
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,237
Hello.
115
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,939
Hey, Mom, I'm just warning you,
116
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,241
someone claiming to be the
commandant might call you soon.
117
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,676
It's just this guy
down the hall.
118
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,345
Just play along and pretend
you believe him.
119
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:38,912
He's totally harmless.
120
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,414
Francis, I really can't
talk to you right now.
121
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:42,483
We're on our way
to Aunt Helen's funeral.
122
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,652
Aunt Helen died?
123
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,454
Well, I sure hope so.
We're going to her funeral.
124
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,821
Well, when did she die?
125
00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:48,856
Mom, why didn't
anybody tell me?!
126
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,190
Uh, well, honey, we just,
127
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,460
we didn't want to have
to worry you over nothing.
128
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:55,262
Nothing? She's dead!
How's Uncle Fred taking it?
129
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,497
Well, I don't think he's thought
too much about it.
130
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:57,698
He died about two months ago.
131
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,966
What?!
Francis, I'm sorry.
132
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,934
I really have to go. Here.
133
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,670
Talk to your brother.
Mom?
134
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:04,805
Hello?
135
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,273
All right, let's see it.
136
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,609
I can't breathe.
137
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,010
Fine.
138
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,211
You know the drill.
139
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,380
Upgrade.
140
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,054
See?
141
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,023
Problem solved.
142
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,858
Hello?
143
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:25,859
Oh.
144
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,661
Okay, well, you can wear
145
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:30,063
one of the suits that
Uncle Fred left you.
146
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,999
Aw, Mom, a dead suit?
147
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:35,403
Cool. A dead suit.
148
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:40,641
Dewey, why don't you help
your little friend
149
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,342
find his way out?
I did.
150
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,344
He keeps coming back.
151
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,418
This thing's
an open casket, right?
152
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,152
I think so. Why?
153
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,322
Because I'm going to stash
this with Aunt Helen.
154
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,924
What is that?
155
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,526
It's a Mighty Man.
Mom and Dad had it
156
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,428
in the back of their closet
for some reason.
157
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,029
I'm Mighty Man.
It's Dewey's
birthday next week.
158
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,230
This is his present.
159
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,699
Oh.
What'd you do to it?
160
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,935
I stomped on it.
Why would you do that?
161
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,439
Look, I don't know why
I do the things I do.
162
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,173
I just know I don't
want to get caught.
163
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,509
That's why Aunt Helen
is getting a new friend.
164
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:17,511
You're gonna bury
that with her?
165
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:18,579
You are so dead.
166
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,947
Hey, I watch lawyer shows.
167
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,449
Mom will think I did it,
168
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,350
but she can't prove it
without this.
169
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,852
It's in the Constitution--
170
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,386
no evidence, no conviction.
171
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,556
E pluribus unum.
172
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,629
(chuckling):
Oh, yeah.
173
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:36,930
Hi, honey.
Hey, you know,
174
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:38,466
I finally found my joke cards.
175
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,267
For some reason, they were
behind the water heater.
176
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,269
Really?
Hey, how's this?
177
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,104
"A priest, a rabbi
and Uncle Fred are..."
178
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,439
Oh, well, Aunt Helen.
179
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,107
"...are playing golf
with Saint Peter."
180
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:49,577
Hal, please!
Hey, have you seen
my pun file?
181
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:52,012
It's in a box marked
"laughter thoughts."
182
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:55,348
Laughter thoughts?
183
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,454
(whistles)
184
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:02,956
How did she die?
Cats ate her face.
185
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:05,626
Dewey, I think you're confused.
I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
186
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,294
Cats ate her face.
Look, would you just
187
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:08,662
put Mom or Dad on the phone?
188
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,499
Hello.
Dad!
189
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:13,100
What happened to Aunt Helen?
190
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,502
Cats ate her face.
191
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,704
Well, here, Dewey knows
more about it than I do.
192
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:21,108
Mom, I hate wearing
Reese's hand-me-downs.
193
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,810
Look at this.
194
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,779
Jelly in the pockets,
the fly's broken,
195
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,148
and it smells like wet dog.
196
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,918
Well, you should be glad
he only wore it once.
197
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,120
You know, I'm trying
to be there for Mom.
198
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:36,123
But the annoyances are starting
to outweigh the guilt.
199
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,458
I'm this close to sneaking
out of the whole thing.
200
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:41,328
Well, I suppose you're
entitled to complain.
201
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:44,698
After all, it's
only my Aunt Helen.
202
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:47,167
What is she-- a mind reader?
203
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,436
And then there were
ants on her bones.
204
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,672
And the police came.
Dad, listen...
205
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:54,307
Hey, can you think of anything
that rhymes with cadaver?
Dad?
206
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,009
How long is this
funeral gonna take?
207
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:57,545
Including traveling time?
All day.
208
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,812
(groans)
209
00:07:58,846 --> 00:07:59,947
I know, I know.
But remember,
210
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,381
it'll make your mom happy.
211
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,651
Mom really loved
Aunt Helen, huh?
212
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,452
Oh, God, no.
213
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,720
Your mom hated her.
214
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:09,222
What? She "hated her"?
Mm-hmm.
215
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,458
Everyone did.
Horrible woman.
216
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,893
I used to have to forbid her
from calling here
217
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,128
'cause she always
made your mom cry.
218
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,197
I can't believe Mom
tricked me like that.
219
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,899
I'll tell you one thing--
220
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,400
I now consider myself
totally free
221
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,469
to ditch this funeral.
222
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,538
I got to call Julie.
223
00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:27,074
Hello?
Malcolm!
224
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:29,309
Oh, thank God!
Somebody I can talk to.
225
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,578
Sorry, I have to make a call.
226
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:31,945
No...
(dial tone drones)
227
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,852
So, your aunt's... not dead?
228
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,520
No. It turned out to be
one of those comas
229
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,155
where they think you're dead
230
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,890
and they put you
on the embalmer's table
231
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,425
and you wake up
at the last second.
232
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,494
It was a close call.
233
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,729
Uh, okay.
234
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,430
I guess we'll pick you up
at 2:00.
235
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,365
Great.
236
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,902
I figure I'll commit to it first
and come up with a plan later.
237
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,504
I always think better
under pressure...
238
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,708
or is it when
I'm not under pressure?
239
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:03,510
Oh, well. Too late now.
240
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,713
I'm ready to go.
Yeah. Hey!
241
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:07,514
You're taking a backpack
to the funeral?
242
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,416
My back gets cold.
243
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,884
Fair enough.
244
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,720
LOIS:
Look, Francis,
245
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,122
I guess I get scattered.
You know, sometimes I forget
246
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,124
what I told you, and you're
not here, so I don't...
247
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,459
I'm not there
because you sent me away.
248
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:22,262
I swear, I'm not even
a part of this family anymore.
249
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,531
Francis, it's very important
that you understand
250
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,066
that is not true.
251
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,535
But I don't have time right now.
I understand.
252
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,638
It's not like it's a matter
of life and death.
253
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,372
Oh, wait, it is!
254
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,807
Anyone else die in the last
five minutes
255
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,108
I should know about?
256
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,376
Francis, you want
to know everything
257
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,711
that's been happening?
258
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,079
Your father mowed the lawn,
259
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,380
Reese polished off
all the cereal,
260
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,649
and I dropped a frying pan
on my foot
261
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:42,983
and I got a big black toe.
262
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,584
You want me to send a picture?
263
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,056
Egg! Cut it out!
264
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,457
Who is Egg?
265
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,392
Oh, he's a new boy in the house.
266
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,426
What?!
267
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,895
Okay.
268
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,263
It'll only hurt for a second
269
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,966
and I'll get out of the funeral.
270
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:01,601
I can tell Julie
a really cool story
271
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:04,037
about how I got my black eye.
272
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,609
Aw, I'm so gutless!
273
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,278
Why are you taking so long?
274
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:12,279
Let's go.
275
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:13,513
Reese, listen.
276
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,748
I know it sounds crazy,
277
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,416
but I need you to hit me.
278
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,517
(groans)
279
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,119
You idiot!
280
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,420
In the eye!
281
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,955
And leave a mark
for Mom to see?
282
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,423
Forget it.
283
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,425
No bruises, no evidence...
284
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,127
no crime.
285
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,529
(sighs)
286
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:33,266
I guess we move on
to plan B-- lying.
287
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,267
What book report?
288
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,502
I just remembered.
289
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,004
I have a big book report
due tomorrow.
290
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,272
And I haven't even
started reading it.
291
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,808
Standard technique--
292
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,309
you volunteer a small crime
293
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:45,112
to distract them
from looking for the big one.
294
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,546
So, what's the report on?
295
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:47,647
A Tale of Two Cities.
296
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:50,050
Oh, how many words?
750.
297
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,185
Was that on your
assignment sheet?
No, it's an addendum.
298
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,187
When did you get that?
Thursday.
I didn't bring it home.
299
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,156
That's why I forgot
to do the assignment.
300
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:57,691
Ooh, nice one.
301
00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,560
Well, I suppose
if it's schoolwork.
302
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:01,862
That's the mislead.
303
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,363
Wait for the reverse.
304
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,532
A Tale of Two Cities.
305
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,567
Who's that by?
Charles Dickens.
306
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,403
Oh, I thought it was
Victor Hugo.
No, it's Dickens.
307
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,905
Is that the one
with Jean Valjean?
308
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:14,574
That's Les Miserables.
No, no.
309
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,576
Uh, isn't A Tale of Two Cities
the one with Jean Valjean,
310
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,979
where he's says, "It's a far,
far better thing I do..."
311
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,914
right before he steals
a loaf of bread?
312
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:23,583
No. Sidney Carton says that
right before they behead him.
313
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,652
I thought you hadn't read it.
314
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,555
What? No. I said
I hadn't written it.
315
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:29,522
And when is it due?
316
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:30,924
Tomorrow, I told you.
317
00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,860
On Les Miserables?
Yes. No!
318
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,694
It's on Tale of Two Cities.
319
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,096
Which you haven't read yet.
Right.
320
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,831
But you just said you did.
321
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,101
No, I-I said I didn't,
and then you said...
322
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,670
It was Thursday, and...
323
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,573
Look, I just don't want to go
to this stupid funeral!
324
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,708
There's no reason for me
to go, and I want to go
325
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,778
to the concert with Julie!
REESE:
Let's go, let's go.
326
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,379
I'll be waiting in the car.
327
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:53,747
LOIS:
Malcolm?
328
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,615
I am ashamed of you.
329
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:58,251
Wanting to deny your
poor Aunt Helen her due.
330
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,253
No, that won't work on me,
because I know
331
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,355
you didn't love Aunt Helen.
You hated her!
332
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,624
Of course I hated her. What does
that have to do with anything?
333
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,726
What?
Malcolm, this isn't about love.
334
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,295
It's about family.
335
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,629
We have a duty to this family.
336
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,364
And we are darn well
gonna do it!
337
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,366
(car horn honking)
But why? It's not fair!
338
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,602
You can't just stick the word
"family" in front of something
339
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,370
and turn everyone
else into slaves.
340
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,039
It makes no sense.
341
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,740
No one liked this woman.
342
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,575
So why do we have to
pretend like we did now?
343
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,978
What good will it do anybody?
344
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,414
Hal?
345
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,783
I got nothing.
346
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,551
I could really use
some support here.
347
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:32,786
Excuse me?
348
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,621
I am being
incredibly supportive.
349
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,257
I'm giving up my entire day
for this-this thing.
350
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,226
And you don't hear me
complaining.
351
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,828
Hal, it was a bunch
of old record albums.
352
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,830
It's not like you're not giving
up something important.
353
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,764
Well, they're important to me.
354
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,099
LOIS (sighs):
You-you people!
355
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,467
I can't believe you.
356
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,069
I asked you to do
one thing that...
357
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,971
FRANCIS: You're not asking;
you're ordering.
358
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,674
LOIS:
After all I do for this family.
359
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,744
I cook, I clean,
I spackle, I plunge.
360
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,013
And none of it means anything
to any of you people!
361
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,615
And the one time
I ask you for something--
362
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:04,617
something that I shouldn't even
have to ask you for--
363
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,153
and all I get are complaints!
364
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:09,022
(horn honking louder)
365
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,825
Well, what about me, hmm?
366
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,994
You think I want to be
cleaning out the gutters
367
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,029
when I could be
surfing the beaches of Europe
368
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:19,099
or-or cruising around on my hog?
369
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,700
What hog?!
Aha!
370
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:22,836
Exactly! Where's my hog?!
371
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,272
(sighs)
Where do you think you're going?
372
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,506
I have had it!
373
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,775
From now on,
no one has to do anything.
374
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,043
We can all just do
whatever we want!
375
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,678
And I want to take
376
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:33,680
a bubble bath!
377
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,715
Fine!
378
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:41,221
So, that's a "yes"
on the concert?
379
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,263
Come on, come on.
380
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,801
(sighs)
381
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,569
Are you gonna be
in there all day?
382
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,471
If I feel like it.
383
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,807
Fine. Just so you know,
when I'm done in the garage,
384
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,843
I'm using the bathroom
whether you're in here or not.
385
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,480
Mom?
386
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,416
I think we should go
to Aunt Helen's funeral.
387
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,184
I mean,
she was a good woman.
388
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:12,752
It's the least we can do.
389
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,054
I don't know
what you're trying to pull,
390
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,322
Reese, but I don't like it.
391
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,324
Am I the only one
that cared about her?
392
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:18,391
Yes, you're the good one.
393
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,426
Enjoy your moment in the sun.
394
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:20,727
Now, get out of here.
395
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,030
This is me time.
396
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,431
(sniffing)
397
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:28,201
Hey, Reese,
which one stinks more?
398
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,337
What's your problem?!
399
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,340
You couldn't keep your big mouth
shut until after the funeral.
400
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,908
Now I'll have to wait
for another relative
401
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,109
to die to bury this thing.
402
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,444
It could be weeks!
403
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:38,711
You'll think of something.
404
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,047
No, I won't.
405
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,082
You have good ideas
all the time.
406
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:44,351
But for me, this was special.
407
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,920
Hey! You can't leave
this mess here.
408
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,288
I've got a guest coming over.
409
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,090
Too bad.
Thanks to you,
410
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,959
no one has to do
anything anymore.
411
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,860
It's anarchy, baby.
412
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,595
That's the word, right?
413
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,764
(sighs)
414
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,136
Um... Mom?
415
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:04,938
I was just wondering
416
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,806
if you could wash
this shirt for me?
417
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,775
(laughing)
418
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:10,477
You must be joking.
419
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,778
But you're the only one
that knows how to use
420
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:13,880
the washer and dryer
without getting shocked.
421
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,248
Please?
422
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:18,751
Well... since you said please.
423
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,891
Here you go.
424
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,859
All washed.
425
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,965
I think you've been
in the garage long enough.
426
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:34,934
(chuckling)
427
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,336
Okay.
428
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,772
Gosh!
429
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:42,075
Well, no, no, no.
430
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,344
You are gonna get
your own outlet.
431
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:47,847
Uh... okay, here we go.
432
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,751
Okay... okay, here we are.
433
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,187
(laughing)
434
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,260
(grunting)
435
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,695
Come on.
436
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,531
Come on. God.
437
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,233
Gotcha!
438
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,901
Oh.
439
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:13,873
No, not my problem today.
440
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,209
(chuckling)
441
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,148
(music playing loudly)
442
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:31,158
* Well, I don't know
why I came here tonight *
443
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:34,661
* I got a feeling
that something ain't right... *
444
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,029
Hand me that loofah.
445
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:39,032
He wants juice.
446
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,567
Go get your own juice.
447
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,335
You said I'm not supposed to.
448
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,304
(sighing):
You're right.
449
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,039
Okay, from now on,
450
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:48,475
you are officially old enough
to get your own juice.
451
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,844
Poof.
452
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,980
* Yes, I'm stuck
in the middle with you *
453
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,583
* And I'm wondering
what it is I should do... *
454
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,685
Darn it.
455
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,688
Darn it.
456
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,156
Darn it.
457
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,492
Mom!
458
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:06,593
I spilled!
459
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,928
So? Clean it up!
460
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,263
* Jokers to the right,
here I am *
461
00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:13,566
* Stuck in the middle with you
462
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:16,569
* Well, you started off
with nothing... *
463
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,538
(sniffs)
464
00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:20,406
Green apple soap.
465
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,111
Girls like green apples, right?
466
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:28,715
Oh, man,
she got my pants wet, too!
467
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:30,183
* Here I am, stuck
in the middle with you... *
468
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,652
Hello?
469
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,124
Is Malcolm here?
470
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,191
(gasps)
471
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,426
Is Malcolm here?!
472
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:40,460
Huh?
473
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,562
Malcolm!
474
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,012
JULIE:
Malcolm?
475
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,987
Julie!
Nothing.
476
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:11,624
* On the back and say please
477
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,327
* Please...
478
00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:15,762
(screaming)
479
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,130
(grunts)
480
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,499
Oh, my God!
481
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:20,667
Are you okay?
482
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,101
I just wanted to be nice!
483
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,070
People told me not
to come to your house!
484
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,273
But I thought they
were just being silly!
485
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:27,640
Julie, I'm sorry!
486
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,276
Things aren't
usually like this.
487
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:32,078
Just give me a minute
and I'll be ready to go.
488
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,180
I don't want to go anymore!
489
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,481
Just leave me alone!
490
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,849
* Out of my chair
491
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,518
* And I'm wondering
how I'll get down the stairs *
492
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,520
(record scratches)
493
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,689
How could you let her see me
in my underwear?!
494
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,860
Mom, this has gone too far!
495
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,296
You have to do something!
496
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,364
It's not supposed
to be like this.
497
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,433
We're not supposed
to injure my friends.
498
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,169
We're not supposed to let people
see me in my underpants!
499
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,638
We're supposed to be there
for each other.
500
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,139
Like when a family member dies,
501
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:01,374
and we're supposed to go
to their funeral?
502
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:04,377
(sighs)
I'll be in my room.
503
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,191
Then she slid into the trash
and ran off.
504
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:21,528
I swear, this whole family
is falling apart.
505
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:23,896
Oh, yes! I knew
this moment would come.
506
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,698
They don't have
their scapegoat around,
507
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,567
so everything goes to hell.
508
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,169
No one realized that I'm the one
who held this family together.
509
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,239
Without me
to blame everything on,
510
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,073
they don't know what to do
with themselves.
511
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:35,508
A scapegoat... thanks.
512
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:36,976
Mom thinks...
513
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,077
He's right.
514
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:40,347
This family needs a scapegoat.
515
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:44,183
I started this, so I should be
the one to end it.
516
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:54,861
I did a terrible thing today.
517
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,763
I tore this family apart.
518
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,598
And I'm really sorry for that.
519
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,733
But...
520
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,470
it's not half as bad...
as what Reese did!
521
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:10,543
Oh, my God!
522
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,579
(distorted): I'm Mighty Man.
Was this Dewey's present?
523
00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,013
DEWEY:
Present?
524
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,181
LOIS:
Reese, how could you?
525
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,250
Do you know how
expensive this was?
526
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:18,785
Hal?
I'm on it.
527
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,453
That was a terrible thing to do
528
00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:22,054
to your little brother.
There's more!
529
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:23,923
He was gonna bury it
with Aunt Helen!
530
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:26,926
You were going to make
Aunt Helen spend eternity
531
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,261
with a crushed Mighty Man?
532
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:30,029
A Mighty Man?
533
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,130
I can't believe you!
534
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:33,099
This is a whole
new low, Reese.
535
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,234
First of all,
this is all circumstantial.
536
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:37,970
I don't know how that thing
got in my backpack.
537
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,440
As for this Aunt Helen
business, no one knows
538
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,042
what I would've done at that
funeral because we're not going.
539
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,377
Who says we're not going?
540
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,113
You did.
Well, you can guess again.
541
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,581
You are gonna march
right up to that coffin,
542
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:50,617
and apologize
to that poor, dead woman.
543
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,319
We all are.
544
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,321
All right,
everyone in the car as is.
545
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,623
We'll have to drive creatively,
but we might make the end.
546
00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:59,091
Let's go. Chop, chop!
Here we go!
547
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,665
Egg! (whistles)
Come on!
548
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:12,104
Aunt Helen used to say...
549
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:14,941
(raspy-voiced):
"Oh, you're gonna
miss me when I'm gone."
550
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:18,478
And, uh, by the looks
of today's turnout,
551
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:21,147
I can see it wasn't
just an idle threat.
552
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:22,815
(whispering):
Yeah, Francis,
your father's giving a speech.
553
00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:24,517
And it's actually
kind of good.
554
00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:25,818
Can I get my phone back?
555
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:27,153
I'm almost done, sweetie.
556
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:29,622
Oh, Aunt Helen
looks just lovely.
557
00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,958
You turn right back around,
mister!
558
00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:34,594
(whispering):
You'll never guess
what Reese did.
559
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:37,129
Well, it's been
a pretty productive day.
560
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:39,366
I made Julie Rulerman hate me.
561
00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:41,267
Reese is gonna kill me
the second we get home.
562
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,002
And right now,
563
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:46,138
Aunt Helen is personally
bad-mouthing me to God.
564
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:49,208
You want some more water,
Uncle Louie?
565
00:21:49,576 --> 00:21:51,678
Sure.
566
00:21:51,711 --> 00:21:54,714
I need someone to put in
a good word for me.
37119
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