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1
00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,003
(trumpet plays)
2
00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:08,342
We're gathered here today
to say good-bye
3
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,510
to Jumpy
number eight.
4
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,511
Nine...
5
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:11,645
Nine.
6
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,414
He was a good...
7
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,316
Nine?
8
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,417
Are you sure, nine?
9
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:21,055
Anyway, he was
a very good frog.
10
00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:23,491
And he led
a very full life.
11
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,694
I remember when I stuck him
in Mom's sun visor,
12
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,330
and she almost hit that lady
in the crosswalk.
13
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,232
It was hysterical.
14
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,734
Farewell, Jumpy number nine.
15
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,737
We know you're going
to a better place.
16
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,773
Bye, Jumpy.
17
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,646
Dad...
18
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:48,982
(trumpet plays)
19
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:56,724
(rocket pops)
20
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,227
May he rest
in pieces.
21
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,961
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
22
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:04,532
* Yes, no, maybe
23
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,067
* I don't know
24
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:10,371
* Can you repeat the question?
25
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,606
* You're not the boss
of me now *
26
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,042
* You're not
the boss of me now *
27
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,445
* You're not the boss
of me now *
28
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,580
* And you're not so big
29
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,082
* You're not the boss
of me now *
30
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,285
* You're not
the boss of me now *
31
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,720
* You're not the boss
of me now *
32
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,390
* And you're not so big
33
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,860
* Life is unfair.
34
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,233
Kenarban...
35
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,634
winds up.
36
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,305
Bases loaded.
37
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,909
Series on...
38
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,178
the line.
39
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,680
Will you just throw the ball?
40
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:55,583
Aah!
41
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:56,950
Want me to...
42
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,386
kiss it?
43
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,163
Oh, man, Kevin.
44
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,598
I hate this guy.
45
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,466
He's only been here
for two weeks,
46
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,469
and he's already the most
obnoxious kid in the school.
47
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,004
Little help.
48
00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:18,472
Lose your
ball-ey, baby?
49
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,208
Can I please have
my ball back, Kevin?
50
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,809
"Can I please have
my ball back, Kevin?"
51
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,312
Come on, Kevin.
"Come on, Kevin."
52
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,947
De gustibus
non est disputandum.
53
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,349
De kub...
54
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,450
You stink!
55
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,884
Your new name
is Stinky.
56
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,620
Whatever, just give me
my ball back.
57
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,887
You want it?
58
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,989
Go get it, Stinky.
59
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,730
SPANGLER:
Men, most of you are at an age
60
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,665
where your bodies
have undergone
61
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,734
significant changes.
62
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:50,571
While the benefits
of increased muscle mass
63
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,674
and a more authoritative
speaking register are plain,
64
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:57,378
these changes can
produce certain...
65
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,347
negative desires.
66
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,915
Uh, we used to handle it
with cold showers
67
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,352
and regularly scheduled
beatings,
68
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:07,321
but, sadly, times have changed,
69
00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:10,090
and I am forced to rely
on a less effective option:
70
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,460
education.
71
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,897
Pretty, isn't she? Hmm?
72
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,832
Perhaps her name is Mary
73
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:22,002
or Wendy or Becky Lou--
it doesn't matter
74
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:25,573
because her real name
is disease.
75
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,278
Not so pretty anymore,
is she, men?
76
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,380
Cankers...
77
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,448
lesions...
78
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:37,351
furuncles.
79
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,887
Such is the price of weakness.
80
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,856
I can't believe
they're swallowing this.
81
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,558
Standard technique.
82
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:47,027
Generate a fear response,
make the brain more receptive.
83
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,396
I don't care.
84
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,063
Spangler has ruined
everything in our lives.
85
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,032
Now he has
to ruin sex?
86
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,067
Now, remember,
every one of these diseases
87
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:57,137
can easily be
transmitted to you.
88
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,374
(groaning)
89
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,875
MAN:
Excuse me, sir?
90
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,278
Isn't that slide upside down?
91
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,313
No, son.
92
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,481
No, it isn't.
93
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,552
(Dewey groans, cries)
HAL: Okay, pal, all right.
94
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,953
I'll get
the ice pack.
95
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,955
Dewey, we told you to stop
climbing that tree.
96
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:15,989
It's too big.
97
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,459
I couldn't help it.
98
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:19,427
I know,
sweetheart.
99
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,629
That's it,
I've had it.
100
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:23,163
That sucker's
coming down.
101
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,732
You're gonna
cut down the tree?
102
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:25,899
Darn right.
103
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,335
I'm sick and tired
of raking leaves
104
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:28,736
and hosing bird
poop off our car.
105
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,338
And seeing that weird
face in the bark
106
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:31,839
that follows you
wherever you go.
107
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,308
And now it's going
after the children?
108
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:35,776
No, Lois, it has
to be stopped.
109
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,978
Can I help kill it?
110
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,347
Sure, sweetheart.
111
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,714
We'll take turns.
112
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:50,157
All right, frozen pizza.
113
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,559
The only thing
Rowena can't ruin.
114
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:53,794
Hey, no cuts.
115
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,629
"Hey, no cuts."
116
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,665
Two slices, please.
117
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,834
Is there any
more pizza?
118
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,770
No, all out.
119
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,905
It's American goulash
for you.
120
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:13,313
What... is that?
121
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,148
I don't know.
122
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,551
All I can identify are little
pieces of carrot and...
123
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,454
I don't know, I think
they're Skittles.
124
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:23,123
Hey, look at the
goulash boy.
125
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,725
Get away from me, Kevin.
126
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,361
Ooh, "Get away
from me, Kevin."
127
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:30,030
He's so sad that he
doesn't have pizza,
128
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,732
and I do.
129
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,801
I said get away.
130
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,970
Chill... man.
131
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,506
I got...
132
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,007
your back.
133
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,477
What are you looking
at, Kenar-butt?
134
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,579
Light...
135
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,548
some shadows.
136
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,383
Kevin,
I'm warning you.
137
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,318
Get out of my face.
138
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:54,488
Aw, Malcolm doesn't like me
eating close to his face
139
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,959
with pizza I have
and he doesn't.
140
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,663
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
141
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,865
(echoing):
Pizza...
142
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,968
(echoing):
Pizza...
143
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:12,806
Pizza...
144
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,382
(heart pounding)
145
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,257
You want pizza?
146
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,391
I'll give you pizza.
147
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,764
(chanting): Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
148
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,899
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
149
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,270
Wow, watching hockey has
really paid off.
150
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,238
I can't believe
how good I'm doing.
151
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,574
(crying)
152
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,776
What do you mean
he's only seven?
153
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,611
What's not
to understand?
154
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,112
He just
turned seven.
155
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,815
I guess you were too busy
beating people to notice.
156
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,551
He can't be seven--
he's bigger than I am.
157
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,286
He's in second grade.
158
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,121
Look at all this blood.
159
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,756
That's not blood,
it's pizza sauce.
160
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,157
Well, that's blood, but...
161
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,126
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
162
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,161
What happened?
163
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,930
I want my Teletubby!
164
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,264
A doll?
165
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,667
You can't play with dolls
if you're seven.
166
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,402
Why are you seven?
167
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,671
You beat up a
seven-year-old?!
168
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,006
I didn't know!
169
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,308
Malcolm, I don't
blame you.
170
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:24,344
I put this squarely
where it belongs.
171
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,346
On me.
172
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:29,817
Oh, man, this is the most
horrible thing I've ever done.
173
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,151
Kevin, I'm sorry.
174
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,687
I think you've done
quite enough.
175
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,623
This is the worst
birthday ever!
176
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,834
"Inappropriate,
177
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,201
vicious."
178
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,670
Oh, wait-- "Thug"?
179
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,672
Dude, I've never
gotten "thug" before.
180
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,006
That's like the Oscar.
181
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,508
Susie Gunther
ate my crayons.
182
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,476
Can you beat her up tomorrow?
183
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,611
Leave me alone.
184
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,146
You know what my
favorite part is?
185
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,649
It's when you pound on someone,
and then a day later,
186
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,316
you still feel the pain
in your knuckles.
187
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,785
Oh, I love that.
188
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,319
Shut up, Reese.
189
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,155
Hey, hey, pace
yourself, killer.
190
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,990
(chain saw buzzing)
191
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,424
Whoa.
192
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,562
(whooping)
193
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,029
REESE:
Dad.
194
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,666
You cut down the tree,
and we missed it?
195
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,801
Oh, baby, you missed it,
all right.
196
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,003
I was about two-thirds
of the way through her,
197
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,572
then crack!
198
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,306
Kaboom!
(laughs)
199
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,875
My chain saw goes flying.
200
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,476
All the car alarms
go off.
201
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,712
About a hundred squirrels came
boiling out of the branches.
202
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:35,248
Then a pack of dogs
came out of nowhere
203
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:36,683
and chased them
all over the neighborhood.
204
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,219
Man, I've never seen
anything like it.
205
00:08:39,251 --> 00:08:40,386
Man...
206
00:08:40,419 --> 00:08:41,922
Oh, don't worry, son.
207
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,557
You'll get to share
in the best part.
208
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:44,792
Cleaning up.
209
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,561
Boys, I think you'll enjoy
210
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,396
my sexual awareness
lecture next week.
211
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:50,798
It's been called "riveting."
212
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,867
It-it sure worked wonders
for me, sir.
213
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,435
The only woman
I can think of
214
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,404
without vomiting
is my own mother.
215
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,472
As it should be, son,
as it should be.
216
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,911
He's giving that same lecture
to the underclassmen.
217
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,379
I can't let
that happen.
218
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,215
I'm stealing
his slides.
219
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,917
And to you,
that's a good idea?
220
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,184
Oh, absolutely.
221
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:14,187
I know it's
hard-core, Stanley,
222
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,089
but I'm not doing
this for me.
223
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,625
I'm doing it for them.
224
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,793
After all, they
are the future.
225
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,064
Francis, I don't
know why you assume
226
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,299
we'll be able to just walk
into Spangler's office
227
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,601
and find the
sex slides.
228
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:32,439
Oh, man, I wish all my
break-ins were this easy.
229
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:38,211
Okay, I got it.
230
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,246
Let's get out of here.
231
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,347
Wait a second.
232
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,554
Oh, my God,
this is a gold mine.
233
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,090
Spangler drinking.
234
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,893
Spangler kissing.
235
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,128
Spangler in
a Speedo.
236
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,596
Spangler out
of a Speedo.
237
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,765
All right,
that's enough.
238
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:58,732
Let's leave, huh?
239
00:09:58,766 --> 00:09:59,767
Wait a second.
240
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,434
I have an idea.
241
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,837
I'm gonna make Spangler's
sexual awareness lecture
242
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:05,272
just a little more
interesting.
243
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,074
Now, Francis, you do realize
what he'll do to you
244
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,676
if you humiliate him
like this, right?
245
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,078
And yet
I'm doing it anyway.
246
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,113
Weird, huh?
247
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,515
DEWEY:
Why are the eggs so little?
248
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:18,318
They're robin's eggs from
the tree your father cut down.
249
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,654
Paul Bunyan.
250
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,589
HAL:
That's nature for you.
251
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,792
Hundred years to grow,
12 minutes to cut down.
252
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:27,527
There's got to be a lesson
in there somewhere.
253
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,196
It is nice having this
extra light in the room.
254
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,364
Yeah, wait till I bring
in the wood chipper.
255
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,166
Then you're really
gonna see something.
256
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,768
I can't take
this anymore.
257
00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,603
When are you
gonna punish me?
258
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,705
For what?
259
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,106
For beating up a
seven-year-old.
260
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,308
(laughing)
261
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,277
LOIS: Oh, my God,
that's right.
262
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,846
You must've just felt ridiculous
263
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:47,681
when you found out
how old that kid was.
264
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,050
I can only imagine
the look on your face.
265
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,651
(Lois laughs)
(Hal chuckles)
266
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,386
(doorbell rings)
267
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:54,855
I'll get it.
268
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,156
Oh, this is nice.
269
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:57,825
We should start every day
with a good laugh.
270
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,827
It's not funny.
271
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:00,961
It's awful.
272
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,229
I did something
horrible.
273
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,663
Don't you even care?
274
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,398
Well, it's nothing
to be proud of, son,
275
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,234
but you told us
the whole story,
276
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,069
and he didn't give you
much choice.
277
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,904
It was an honest
beating mistake.
278
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:13,240
Besides, it sends a good
message to our enemies.
279
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,574
What are you
talking about?
280
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:15,542
What enemies?
281
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,510
Oh, they're out there.
282
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:20,080
And once they know
we're capable of this,
283
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,949
they'll know we're capable
of anything.
284
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,554
Okay, so it's not just me,
right?
285
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,757
There's something seriously
wrong with this family.
286
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:33,493
LOIS: It's none of your business
what we do on our property.
287
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,162
ED: That tree was older
than your house.
288
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,596
You had no right
to cut it down.
289
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,832
We're a neighborhood,
and removing trees
290
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,667
is a neighborhood
decision.
291
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,736
Oh, y-you people-- for 15
years you've mowed your lawns
292
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:45,172
in the middle of the night so
you don't have to talk to us.
293
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,740
Now, what, all of a sudden
we're a neighborhood?
294
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,241
What's going
on here?
295
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,343
ED: You've caused
a blight on our street
296
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,711
by cutting down
that tree.
297
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,213
How is cutting down
a tree a blight?
298
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,748
Because now we can
see your house.
299
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:57,584
LOIS: Well, let me tell
you something, Ed.
300
00:11:57,617 --> 00:12:00,220
As far as I'm concerned, you and
the neighbors can all just...
301
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,855
(imitates monkey chatter)
302
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,256
Eh? And that goes
double for me.
303
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,025
I want you all off
our property now or I'll...
304
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,861
(imitates
gorilla grunts)
305
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,663
(imitating monkeys,
gorillas)
306
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,567
(imitating monkey chatter)
307
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,905
(imitating monkeys, gorillas)
308
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:22,209
No wonder I'm a thug.
309
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,311
How can they act like this?
310
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,920
And then I found out
that he was only seven.
311
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,487
I didn't know what to do.
312
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,323
I just felt like I had
to talk to someone.
313
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,291
I hope I'm doing
this right.
314
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:41,161
See, my family-- we're not,
like, regular churchgoers,
315
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,996
but I know places
like this are supposed
316
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,431
to help you
feel better,
317
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,899
and that's really what I need.
318
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,434
I did something terrible,
319
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,003
and now I just feel like there's
something wrong with me.
320
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:52,806
I mean, really wrong,
deep inside.
321
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,441
I can't shake it.
322
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,742
What do I do?
323
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,611
Look to the church.
324
00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,746
Look to God.
325
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,748
Look within.
326
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,951
But first you must
ask forgiveness.
First, you must atone.
327
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,618
First, you must cleanse
your spirit.
328
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:07,254
(hip hop music plays)
The path to salvation.
329
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,355
The path to temptation.
330
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:09,589
The path to meditation.
331
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,924
How does one define a sin?
332
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,192
Well, it's
mostly common sense.
333
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,193
And you have
to light incense.
334
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,361
If you practiced abstinence.
335
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,129
It's whatever space you're in.
336
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,531
Huh?
337
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:19,833
Ch-Ch-Charity.
Prosperity.
338
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:20,834
Clarity.
Divine.
339
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:21,935
Restitution.
Absolution.
340
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,203
Contribution.
Palestine.
341
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,271
Sacramental.
Accidental.
342
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,705
Mostly mental.
You'll be fine.
343
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,007
Transubstantiate.
Alleviate.
344
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,343
Who knows?
Align your spine.
345
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,713
Uh... well, thanks.
346
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,815
I feel much better. Bye.
347
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:41,188
Hey, boys.
348
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,622
Where's your brother?
349
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,024
I don't know.
350
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,458
He said something
about being evil,
351
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:46,393
and he took off.
Ah.
352
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,494
Uh, stay back.
353
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,831
Wow!
354
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,800
That was the coolest
thing I've ever seen!
355
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,635
Really? All it does is
356
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,538
instantly vaporize anything
that goes into it.
357
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,481
Dewey!
358
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,150
What was...?!
359
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,752
Actually,
that was pretty cool.
360
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,854
What else you got?
361
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,077
*
362
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:02,302
(whooping, laughing)
363
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:06,339
Well, we've obviously
run out of ideas.
364
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,610
Yolanda, this is a love
that cannot be.
365
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:11,878
ERASERHEAD:
Stop!
366
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,446
Can't you put some life in it?
367
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,248
It's 1969!
368
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,284
The slide rule is
about to be replaced
369
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,952
by the pocket calculator.
370
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:21,488
You have to feel
the panic in the air. Ugh!
371
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,791
I can't stop thinking
about what I did to Kevin.
372
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,560
I feel like crap,
and no one understands.
373
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,728
Even you.
374
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,130
You're supposed
to be my friend
375
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,331
and you don't even care.
376
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:35,402
And yet... you
keep... talking.
377
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,137
Maybe if I did
something good,
378
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:39,239
that would cancel it out, right?
379
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,008
Or if I'm only doing it
to feel better,
380
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,243
is that selfish
and doesn't count as much?
381
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,012
Stevie?
382
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,514
(sighs)
383
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,783
Okay. So I just have to think
of a really giant good deed.
384
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,253
That way, I know
I'll be in the plus column.
385
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,288
I bet I can think
of something great.
386
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,557
I just have to put
some thought into it.
387
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,127
There!
388
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,530
That's perfect.
389
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,098
I'll run the marathon
390
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,700
and get people to pledge money
for every mile that I go.
391
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:09,769
I hate running,
so it'll be hard
392
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,972
and I'll have to train for it,
so it'll take dedication
393
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,274
and it'll be helping
cure diseases
394
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,109
which no one likes.
395
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,645
And then
I can get on with my life.
396
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,281
No! No! No!
397
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,183
I can't work like this!
398
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,951
I'll be at my cubby.
399
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,620
This'll work.
400
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,689
It has to.
401
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,098
(growls)
402
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,201
(panting)
403
00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:46,873
*
404
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,516
(panting)
405
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,470
(dog growling)
406
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,141
(grunting)
407
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:25,944
There we go.
408
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:28,181
Looks great, Dad.
409
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,349
Yeah? I don't know.
410
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,750
Now that it's in there,
411
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,186
it sort of
makes me miss the old tree.
412
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,255
This one's a
little droopy
413
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,524
and the branches
are a little spindly
414
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,858
and there's no face.
415
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,927
Well, there's that,
that little one,
416
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,295
but it's not the...
417
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:44,897
kindly little spooky face...
418
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:45,898
Oh, my God!
419
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,434
What have I done?
420
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,035
Reese,
421
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,403
get my chain saw.
422
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:54,641
I hear your son likes to
beat up seven-year-olds.
423
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,976
I wouldn't say
he likes it.
424
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,412
He's good at it,
apparently, but...
425
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:00,313
Look...
426
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:01,648
in my family
427
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,883
we don't go for that.
428
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,885
Probably not a good idea
to poke me.
429
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,820
"Probably not a good
idea to poke me."
430
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,325
I'm sorry I beat him up,
431
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,394
but how was I supposed to know
he was 15?
432
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:15,662
He was huge.
433
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,897
You should have seen the grip
he had on my throat.
434
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,967
CAROLINE:
Okay, people.
435
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,003
I need all the pledge sheets
before we can begin.
436
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,072
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
437
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,607
Caroline?
438
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,075
Malcolm, I am so glad
439
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,477
you decided to do this.
440
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,845
Now, were you able
to get any pledges?
441
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,714
Here.
442
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,786
I don't suppose there's
a beer guy around here, huh?
443
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:42,755
This is a charity race
at an elementary school.
444
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,958
Oh. So I have to go
to a stand or something, huh?
445
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,960
My God.
446
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,296
Are these real?
447
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,198
Well, I assume so. Why?
448
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,432
Well, look
at all of them.
449
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,533
He has more
pledges here
450
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,435
than everyone else
put together.
451
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,536
If he runs
the distance,
452
00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:00,039
he is going to raise
over $8,000.
453
00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:31,170
Ow.
454
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,805
SPANGLER:
Perhaps her name is Mary
455
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,208
or... Wendy
or Becky Lou.
456
00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:38,911
It doesn't matter
because her real name
457
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:40,913
is disease.
458
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,315
(laughter)
459
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,384
Isn't so pretty anymore,
is she, boys?
460
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,586
Cankers...
461
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:47,820
lesions...
462
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,422
furuncles--
463
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:50,757
such is the pri...
464
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,361
Why, these aren't
the proper slides.
465
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,163
Some hooligan has switched them.
466
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,066
Now, this is obviously
some ingenious scheme
467
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,368
to humiliate me.
468
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,403
I find myself
469
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,606
so overcome with embarrassment,
I can't stop clicking.
470
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:10,843
Although there's probably
one in here of a cadet
471
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,012
who thinks he's
all alone, and...
472
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,181
well...
473
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,617
technical difficulties.
474
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,353
We will resume the lecture...
475
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,422
with the proper slides
476
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,591
at 0800 tomorrow.
477
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,459
Gentlemen.
478
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:31,531
Remember, son,
479
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:34,166
a good soldier always
checks the chamber.
480
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,473
Okay, this is going to sting.
481
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,577
What is with you?
482
00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:46,546
Nothing.
483
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,247
Usually you scream
like a stuck pig
484
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:50,116
when I put this stuff on.
485
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,984
You have been
such a zombie lately.
486
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:55,488
It feels worse on the inside
than it does on my knee.
487
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,824
What are you talking about?
488
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,828
Mom, I can't stop feeling bad
about what I did to Kevin.
489
00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:04,831
I feel like I have
a monster inside of me.
490
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:08,835
Oh, for crying
out loud, Malcolm,
491
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,236
that's no monster.
492
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,938
That's your conscience.
493
00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:14,841
You should be thankful
God gave you one.
494
00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:16,242
Yeah. It feels great.
495
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,410
I'm serious.
496
00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:18,611
It's a gift.
497
00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:21,013
And you know what most
people do with theirs?
498
00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:22,915
They keep them in the
closet all year and
they bring them out
499
00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:24,851
only when they think
he's coming to visit.
500
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:26,953
You're not like that.
501
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,187
Good for you.
502
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,989
But I can't stop
thinking about it.
503
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,258
Ow!
504
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,761
Were you thinking
about it just then?
505
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:35,528
No!
506
00:21:35,562 --> 00:21:36,796
See? I promise
507
00:21:36,829 --> 00:21:38,431
you will feel
bad about Kevin
508
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:40,367
only as long as
you're supposed to.
509
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,436
Now go to bed.
510
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,338
You're a nice
boy, Malcolm,
511
00:21:45,372 --> 00:21:46,773
and I'll kick
the conniption
512
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,608
out of anybody
who says you aren't,
513
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,810
including that little
voice in your head.
514
00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:53,846
Okay.
515
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,048
Good night, Mom.
Good night, sweetie.
516
00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:59,151
Night, Dad.
Good night, son.
32563
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