All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S06E23.en

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes! Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh! You're so good!

Martin could never
satisfy me the way you do.

What the hell's going on here?

I'm having sex
with a real man for a change.

I'll Kill you.

I'll kill you both!

Ha! Go ahead and try it.

If your aim is anything
like your sexual prowess,
we have nothing to worry about.

You...

Where the hell you been?

Your 11:00 has been here
since... 11:00.

I called Judith.
She said you didn't
even come home last night.

What's going on?

She hates me
because I'm an ugly hunchback.

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Fine.

Keep it bottled up inside you
till the pressure just
builds and builds and builds

and builds and you explode like
a can of Dr. Pepper
that you shake up real good.

Just don't expect me
to clean up the mess.

And... that is good!

- Oh!
- Oh! Oopsie daisy!

Good morning, Martin.

Morning, Dr. Esther.

- Sorry I'm late.
- No problem.

Unlike Dr. Ruth,
I'm not doing Letterman tonight.

I have plenty of time.
So, I have some ideas
for the title.

Do you like A Couple's Guide
to Complete Intimacy

or The complete Guide
to Intimacy For Couples?

Well, I'd go with...

- ...either one.
- You know,

I was going to call it
Dr. Esther's Guide
to Good Sex,

but somebody borrowed
the title from me.

I'm not naming names,
but her initials
are Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Yes, well,
let's get started, shall we?

You want to talk about it?

Talk about what?

Martin, Martin, Martin.

I have been a psychologist
for 35 years
and a mother for 40.

I know when something
is wrong.

And besides, you wore those
same clothes yesterday.

No. No,
no, no, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, well, Judith and I have
been having some problems,

and I'd be curious
to hear your take on it.

Good! That's better.

Talk to Dr. Esther.

It started about a week ago,
just after
you handed in your first draft.

It was Friday morning.

Judith and I had
had sex the night before.

- Mazel tov!
- Thanks.

Anyway, she was
racing around to get out,
and I was in the shower.

You got something right, kid.
Are you going to
make it stand up?

Well, you can beat it,
but take it easy.

I'm coming down there
and get you!

You're handling
yourself like a man.

You look like
you have your hands full.

Maybe I can be of some help.

Hey, mind if I join the party?

Oh, my. Yes.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.

Nope, I'm in a real big hurry.

Do you mind washing my back?

Oh!

Martin have you seen my--

Oh, my God!

Jesus, Martin,
we just made love
eight hours ago,

and now I find you
cheating on me with you?

I'm not cheating on you.
I was just
watching myself down there.

And one thing led to another.

Yes, I believe
I caught the finale.

Wait, Judith,
it meant nothing to me.

Oh.

Jude! Jude, let me explain.

We have to talk about this.

And what do
you have to say, hmm?

Nothing specific.

I just meant we should
talk about it in theory.

Yeah, you're right.
You know, let's talk.

So, uh, what were you
thinking about while you
were spilling your seed

on my very expensive
Italian marble shower tiles?
Hm?

I was thinking about...

...you, and last night,
and how wonderful it was.

Well, then why didn't
you come and get me?

Because you're all the way
in another room, you know,

and I didn't want to mess
up your hair,
which looks lovely, by the way.

Jude!
I-- ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Jude, why are you
so upset about this?
- I am not upset.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I just have to pick up
Little Richard from my parents

and take him
to his steeplechase lesson.

Oh, shoot. Come on.

Interesting!

And do you masturbate
on a frequent basis?

If you want
the unofficial total,
you need an adding machine.

No more than the next guy.

Especially if the next
guy is Mr. Westheimer.

I'm joking.
Anyway, I presume

you never mentioned to Judith
that you masturbate.

What? It never
came up until then.

So after that, I came to work
and picked up your...

Lies, lies!

...book and read the chapter on,
you know, masturbation.

In fact,
I read it a couple of times,

and I decided
to follow your advice .

Jude, I thought a lot about
what happened this morning.

- Oh, so have I.
- And it was all my fault.

Not for masturbating,

because I read somewhere that
70% of couples still masturbate.

You know, Dr. Ruth's
not even from Europe.

- Excuse me?
- She stole her accent from me.

I tell you, wake her up
in the middle of the night

she sounds exactly
like Walter Matthau.

Anyway, go on.

Actually,
my mistake was not being up
front about masturbating.

No, no, no, no.
It was my fault.
I totally overreacted.

- Well, there was a reason.
- I know. I know.

And the reason
is we've been too inhibited.

Jude, sex is about intimacy.

And intimacy
is about openness and honesty,

and I should be able
to tell you when I masturbate,

and you should feel comfortable
telling me when you masturbate.

Well, that's just it.
I don't.

I mean, I never have.

I know. I know, and that's
what we need to work on.

No, I mean,
I've never masturbated.
Ever.

I don't believe it.

Come on. Just admit it.
Everybody does.

You know,
what separates us from fish.

Well, apparently,
everybody does it but me.

Oh, well,
I guess she's one of us.

- Wow.
- Well, I always
planned on doing it.

I just never got around to it.

You know, growing up
in my parents' house,

well, I couldn't do it there
because, well,
my parents lived there.

They're Republicans.
It is just not done.

You're joking.

- Uh-huh...
- You know,
and I always figured that

I'd get around to it
when I went to college,

but my roommate was always
around except for that time that
she went to the infirmary

and, well,
I had my period at the time,

and I wasn't sure if you were
allowed to do it then.

Anyway, a few weeks later,
I met you, and we had sex,
like, all the time,

so I really
didn't feel the need to.

Well, then we got married,
and I got pregnant,

and then we split up,
and, well, and then I met
Richard right away,

and I actually thought about
doing it when Richard died.

But then I felt that maybe
it would be,
like, disrespectful.

So, you know, and then
I didn't know the longer
I waited,

the harder it was to just do it,
and I just-- could
you please just say something?

You've never masturbated?

Don't patronize me.

What?

Jude. Jude, I'm sorry.
You know, it's just
that I'm shocked.

But this is good.
See, we're making progress
already.

I mean, don't you feel better?

No, I feel like a freak.

I shouldn't
have a PhD in psychology.
I should be a case study.

I mean, my God,
what would Freud say about this?

Well, I speak German
and know
a little about submarines.

I guess we'll never know,
but you want my opinion?

I mean, I'm no Freud,
but I think it's time
that you--

...gave it a whirl.

- Really?
- Yes.

Yes, I think
it would be very good for us,
you know, and I could help you.

I think I have to do
it by myself, by definition.

No, no, what I meant
was we could both do it.

We're together.

Alone, in front of each other.

I don't know.

Jude, Jude, think of it
as an exercise in intimacy.

You know,
we could make a night out of it.

I'll buy you a present.

- Do people really shop here?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they even have their own
credit cards.

- Eddie's got one.
It's leather.
- Ah.

Hi.
Can I help you?

- Yes, yes.
- We were just browsing.

Actually, we're looking for--

A little thing about--
about that size.

Twist... like that.

Turn like that.
With wire.

A vibrator.

Ah, well,
you've come to the right place.

- Follow me.
- Okay.

Now, we have
the widest selection in town.

In fact, if you see
the same vibrator for less,

bring us the receipt,
and we 'll refund
you the difference plus 10%.

So, see anything
that tickles your fancy, ma'am?

Oh, I'm not very ticklish.

- How about that one?
- Ah, an excellent choice.

Now, I know that it says Koiko,
but it has the same inner
workings as the Shaftsman 2000.

It comes with five speeds
plus 12 attachments,
more or less.

A French tickler,
circumcised head,
non-circumcised head,

- grooming attachment
- Sort of like a vacuum
cleaner.

How so?

- Never mind.
- Now, I'm going to turn this on,

and I want you to feel the power
in this little baby.

Now, I know
it may be a little pricey,

but hey,
isn't your orgasm worth it?

Come on, go ahead.
It doesn't bite.

Here.

My. It certainly
does vibrate, doesn't it?

True to its name.

Oh, I almost
forgot the best thing.

It's fully waterproof,
so it'll work in the tub.

Well,
it does go with your tile.

Couldn't we start out simpler
and work our way up
to appliances?

Thanks so much.
Thank you.

So we went straight home
from there,

and I tried
to create the right atmosphere.

You know,
like it said in your book.

Let me know when you're ready.
I don't want to rush you.

Oh, no, no, no.
I think I'm ready.

So can we undress each other,

or are we supposed
to do everything ourselves?

Absolutely.
We can undress each other.

I'm sorry.

- Why don't we just do
it ourselves?
- Oh, okay, fine.

On your Mark.

- For you.
- Oh.

For me.

Would you mind if we take
the comforter off the bed?

I just had
the duvet cover dry cleaned.

I just didn't want to be
worrying about it while I was...

- ...you know.
- Sure.

- Oh.
- Under the sheets?

Is that okay?

Sure.
Sure, fine. No problem.

Now, don't worry
if it takes you
a while to get the hang of it.

You know, it's your first time.
So don't get frustrated, okay?

Okay.

Well, here we go.

Just relax and take your time.

Four seconds, folks.
A new world's record.

Are you finished?

Uh-huh...

Well, that went pretty well.

Why don't I just...

Never mind.

Good for you.
You handled it exactly
how I outlined in my book.

It's very nice.

But I still don't see
what the problem is.

In fact,
I should have such problems.

Yes, yes, maybe you should.
Anyway, a few days go by,

and last night,
Judith and I had sex, you know,
with each other,

in the regular way.

Do you smell buffalo wings?

- What?
- Buffalo wings.

Little tiny chicken wings,

sometimes served with
Rockford dressing
or spicy sauce.

Yes, yes,
I know what buffalo wings are,
and no, no, I do not smell them.

I shouldn't
have skipped breakfast.

Do you want a ginger man?

He has cinnamon on him.

So, anyway, Judith and I had
sex, you know, and afterwards--

Oh, that was nice.

Yeah. Yeah...

You know, Judith,
since we're working
on openness and honesty,

I've kind of had
something on my mind.

- I'm just being silly.
- No. What?

It's nothing big.
You know, it's just that...

compared with Tuesday night,
you know,
your response tonight was...

- ...a little muted.
- Muted? What do you mean?

Well, you know,
on Tuesday night, you know,

when you did it manually,
you know, you seemed to...

...enjoy it a lot,
and tonight--

I'm just being oversensitive.

No, no, you're not.

- What?
- Well, you know, it's not
that I didn't enjoy it.

I really did.
It's just that, um...

The other night,
I just sort of discovered
some little tricks, and, um--

Whoo!

What kind of tricks?
I mean, I have my own share
of tricks, I think.

Oh, you definitely do.
You do. It's just that, um...

sometimes when I masturbate--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sometimes?

I mean,
there are times now?

I mean,
how often are you masturbating?

It's only been once or twice...

...a day.

Faster and faster and faster!

Oh.

Oh, I see. So this has
become a regular activity.

You wake up, brush your teeth,
masturbate, have a cup
of coffee, masturbate.

Is that the routine?

You're the one who's done it
during our
entire relationship.

That is completely different.

When I masturbate,
it's not because
you're not satisfying me.

It's an extracurricular
activity.

Martin.

Martin, all I'm saying
is now that I've discovered
certain things about my body,

maybe I can help you help
me enjoy myself even more,
that's all.

No, no, no. I understand.
What you're saying is I've never
even given you an orgasm.

Well, of course you have.
Just not every time. That's all.

I mean, there's nothing
unusual about that.

Oh, no? Well, I've had
an orgasm every time.

How many have you had?
What, one? A million?
A million and one what?

- You're being ridiculous.
- Oh. Oh, I see.

So why don't you just have
a relationship with your hand?

I'm sure it knows exactly
what to say.

All right.
I think this conversation
is over.

Fine with me.

- Who gave you more orgasms?
Me or Richard?
- Martin.

Openness and honesty, Jude.
Openness and honesty.

Fine.
Over the years, you gave me
more orgasms. Are you happy now?

You are the king of orgasms.

No, no, no.
You were only with Richard
for five years,

and most of the time he's
off in Eurasia or something.

So let's talk
home runs per at bats here.

Who gave you more orgasms
on a regular basis?
Me or Richard?

That is not what's important.

What's important here
is how we can
make things even better.

I think I have my answer.

- Martin.
- Fuck openness.

It's the downfall
of every relationship.

My parents barely spoke
to each other, and they were
together for over 40 years.

Where are you going?
- To leave you alone.

It's probably time
for you to have another date
with yourself.

So anyway,
that's about how we left it.

I see the problem.

Dr. Ruth wouldn't see
the problem if he came up
and bitter her "under-tookas".

But I see the problem.

All couples
have different issues,

but in this case,
the problem is just you .

Me? She's the one who can't
keep her hands above her waist
for more than two seconds,

- and the problem is me?
- Exactly.

Judith was trying
to show you how to give her
more powerful orgasm,

but you refused because?

Because she cares more about
her orgasms than my feelings.

Interesting.

But the correct answer
is you care more about your ego
than her pleasure.

And that's the problem
in my opinion.

You know,
I couldn't help but overhear
some of your conversation,

and I'd have
to agree with the doctor here.
Buffalo Wing?

Oh, I knew I smelled them!
Thank you. I would love one.

- Toby.
- Sorry, I only have one.

You know, as I was saying,
if Judith's body
is anything like mine,

it's a very complicated,
delicate piece of machinery,
like a '68 Corvette.

So you should be happy
to have the owner's manual,
you know what I mean?

- Thanks for sharing.
- She's right,

because when a car
is serviced correctly,

it's better for the car
and for the driver.

Can I help you, ma'am?

I'm sorry.
I've been a selfish,
insecure asshole.

Agreed.

But for now on,
I'm a team player.

You know, so if you want to
give me a guided tour

or draw me a map or even if you
want me to just watch,
just say the word.

I'm your puppet.

Come on. It's showtime.

Ooh!

Oh, God!

Oh... God.

Oh!
That was amazing.

Just like that time in Bermuda.

Only tonight I didn't
dislocate my shoulder.

Not yet, anyway.

You ever hear of the saying
what you don't know
won't hurt you?

Jude, was it as good for you
as it was for you?

You know, I mean, on Tuesday?

It was the best.

You're not just saying that,
are you?

I'm lucky I can say anything.

Well, that's the greatest honor
our country can give a man.

Let's promise to always,
always be honest
with each other.

You've got a deal.

I love you.

I love you too.

Martin?

Martin?