All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S06E22.en

I'm the first guy that ever
blasted a hole through a donut.

Ran into some bad dice
last night and made cash.

My father
was a tobacco auctioneer
and my mother was a woman.

- What the hell
are you doing here?
- As opposed to where?

In Gibby's office
for your salary review.

They tend to go better
when you're there
to defend yourself.

It's been 14 years, Toby,
but you finally made a mistake.

Okay, my review
isn't until tomorrow,
so please.

Not anymore.
I rescheduled it for today.

I need your office
for some privacy.

- You what?
- This is the only time I could
book my prenatal massage.

Where am I supposed to go?
The freight elevator?

Toby, put your shoes
back on right now

and call Gibby and tell him
I'm in a meeting across town.

I hope you'll be able
to see him until tomorrow.

- Hurry up.
- No can do, Marty.

Tomorrow's the company-wide
meeting to explain

how the new stealth
intercom system works.

Looks like I'm a dead duck.

- Oh.
- Gibby. I'm sorry about
all the confusion.

Marty Tupper now entering for
his confidential salary review.

What are you doing?

Don't look at the camera.
Just pretend I'm not here.

Lu's making a video
as the entertainment
for our Christmas party.

Ever since Gwen
from accounting got engaged,

we've had to retire
that Mrs. Claus meets
the manger donkey sketch.

What a shame.
You were always so wonderful
as the innkeeper.

Oh, he's blood
on the bedsheets.

I can't get you both
in the little box.

Swing around
to Gibby's side of the desk.
Go on.

You heard my sister, Scoot.

Yeah, good.

- Huh?
- How's that?

Yeah, okay.
As per our cinematic theme,
let's cut to the cum shot.

Gibby, before we start,
you should know

I've been contacted
by some other firms,

and I'm entertaining
several offers.

Pencil by a pencil, mister.

Well, you'll catch me
getting between
the swine and the swill.

All I had to offer you
was a presidency
of your own division.

- Okay... What?
- Anyway, bonne chance.

And before
you back up your office,

could you send Carter in, please?

Gibby, give me that thing
about the other jobs.

I was just a little scared
for the video, right?

Did you get all that, Lu?
Huh?

Anyway, Gibby, you were saying
something about making me
president or something?

Hm? Oh, yes. A few years ago,
you accosted me
in the men's room

and practically offered
to block my todger with your tie
if I created a quality imprint,

- Camelot New Press.
I believe you called it.
- Exactly.

I finally got around
to reading your proposal,
and it has merit.

Therefore... Watch this.

...I hereby dub thee Sir Marty,

president of Camelot.

Your Majesty.

Thank you.

Thank you, Gibby, because
I am convinced

that if you market quality books
the way you market
romance novels--

Perhaps I wasn't being clear.
I've already said yes.

If you'd like to try
and talk me out of it,
I'm all ears.

Sorry, sorry, Gibby,
it's just that I'm--
I'm gonna be quiet now.

And then better yet,
I'll just leave.

No, no, wait,
no, we need an ending.

I think it would be
very touching if you two hug.

A hug?

Yeah, hug, you know,
like two pirates in love.

Go on.

All right.

All right, run along, Marty.
Build me a new empire.

Yeah.

From offer to publisher.

So, what we're looking for
here at Camelot

is quality
and depth and substance.

It's all right here.

My protagonist is a hunter

whose leg is ripped off
by a rogue elephant,

obsessed with his affliction.

He organizes a hunt
for the elephant,

which, by the way, is white.

Did I mention originality?

A lone man
struggles to live free

among the herd mentality
of a disenfranchised America.

That sounds
like it could be perfect.

Go on, go on.

Okay, but not here.

Meet me in room 112

at Swiftie's Motor Court
outside Saginaw.

The entire novel takes place
in my vagina during intercourse.

Chapter one.

The moistening.

Are you filing, sister?

Jude. Jude,
I have to cancel dinner, okay?

I'm gonna be here,
for the rest of my life.

Nothing yet?
You've got
so many to choose from.

This is crap.
Crap. It's all crap.

Literature is dead.

It's like those big tubes
that used to be in TVs.

Well, maybe your standards
are too high.

No, they can't be too high.

You only make
a first impression once.

What if the first time we met,
I was drunk?

No, you were stoned,
and I was drunk,
so it didn't seem to matter.

Forget a book.
I can't even find an Aspirin.
Excuse me.

I remember that.

We are in the threshold
of a grave discovery.

Oh, Ladysmith Black Mom, Baso,
is gonna be at Carnegie Hall.

- Should we get tickets?
- In a minute.

Just a few more pages here.

Well, maybe
if I have sex with them,

they'll give us orchestra seats.

Okay. Okay.
So that's a good idea.

Jude. Jude, this is it.
This is the one.

- Have you been up all night?
- I've gotta get to the office.

You might want
to put on some pants.

Huh?

God, how could I have
forgotten about Julian Keppel?

You know, he's so vital,
like an emotional volcano.

Julian, let me just say...

You look like you've been
on a hayride with Dracula.

...you haven't changed a bit.

Enough with the forever jabber.

Why are we here?

Julian's not a writer anymore.

I'm in the eyeglass repair
kit business.

Tiny little screws,
tiny little screwdrivers, etc.

The Marines brothers,
the number one supplier
in the Northeast.

Soon you're gonna be
the number one best-selling
author in the country,

because I am
going to publish
The Barrel Maker.

Funny. I heard the same thing
in this office 10 years ago.

- Must be an echo.
- Well, that's true, but--

And when you couldn't deliver,

Julian didn't get
out of bed for a year,

and ate nothing but raisins.

Meanwhile, I had to pull
double shifts at Kinko's.

Well, now all that hard work
is gonna be rewarded.

You know, so, Julian...

just sign right there.

For the love of God!

I can't do this to her again!

This woman is an angel!

Come on, Julian.
We're in the city.

We might as well
buy you some slacks.

- Mustn't let him get away.
- Wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now, look, look,
I am running the company now,

and I can guarantee you that
book is gonna be published.

But can you guarantee
that anybody will read it?

Tupper, no one's interested
in serious books.

People want to read about
how Dave Barry spent
the Fourth of July.

That's because
it's right in front of them.

My plan is to take books out
of the bookstores and put them
where people buy books.

The supermarkets
and the drugstores
and the airport gift shops.

- And--
- I don't follow you.

But then again,
I am on antidepressants.

Julian, think of your book
as an eyeglass repair kit.

How many people bought them
when they were just sold
at Opticians?

My brother moved
143,000 a year tops.

And how many did he sell
when he put them right
at the supermarket checkout?

- How many? Come on, tell me.
- 5.2 million.

That was my idea, by the way,

as was the little
magnifying glass.

Then you of all people
should understand.

Julian, Julian, trust me,

I am going to make you
the next Norman Mailer.

And all that I ask is that
when you accept the Nobel Prize,

you thank me.

After you thank Maureen.
Of course, come on.

Come on, together,
we'll change all our lives.
We'll change the entire world.

Take my hand
and we're halfway there, buddy.

Gentlemen,
the book will be published.

Today's a big day
for all of us, isn't it?

Toby. Toby.

We're gonna need
more crowd control robes.

I'm ordering them right now.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Uh, yes.
Could you page someone for me?

Butts. Mr. Seymour Butts.

Hey, hey, there they are.

Please, please, please, please.

Right in here.

You recognize
that guy over there, huh?

Okay, here's how it works.
They enter here, you sign here.

They exit here,
and about six months your face
is just about everywhere.

I gotta hand it to you, Tupper,
this is quite a setup.

Too bad
we don't have 450 Julians.

They could be signing
at all those other displays
throughout the country.

Passengers
are requested to please check in
at the ticket counter.

Martin, would it be okay
if I went for a walk?

My feet are asleep.

You've got time to walk
to a podiatrist in Arizona.

Well, don't just stand there.

Excuse me.

If you're looking for a book
to read on the plane,

Let me suggest a wonderful
new novel by Julian Keppel
called The Barrel Maker.

What's it about?

It's about a guy
who has big hopes

and big dreams
and fails at everything,

and eventually
he just loses his mind.

I'm going
to Aruba for vacation.

I don't want to read that.

Um, where do you keep
the condoms?

Mayday, Mayday.

Maureen! Julian! Great news.

There's a charter
getting in from Denmark

and the Danes
are compulsive readers.

Let's grab some books
and get over there
work the gates.

- Come on.
- Tell you what.

If you actually sell a book,

call us and we'll come back
and sign it.

Come on.
I want to stop by the duty-free
shop and pick up some rum.

I--

Martin, Martin,
we got to move the display

so they can make room
for the new Dave Barry book.

It's about that one fruitcake

everybody gives each other
for Christmas.

He cracks me up.

Okay. Okay.

This is now officially the worst
fucking day of my life.

Yeah, and I got it all on tape.

I feel as lucky
as Zapruder bloke.

Give him the routine landing.

Nothing to be alarmed about,
Speech.

Gibby.
I was hoping you'd stop.

What are you doing here?

- We're just on our way
to dinner.
- At the airport?

No, no, Dusseldorf.
Lou had a hankering
for schnitzel.

Where's your
pasty book writing fella?

Julian?

He's outside on the runway,

you know, smoking a cigarette.

Took all the customers
with him, did he?

Thank God.
It was a madhouse in here.

We couldn't keep
the books on the shelves.

You seem to solve
that problem, Marty.

I can explain.

TAT, TAT, Marty,
these things take time.

Like the fourth erection
on the cold night.

Ready, love?

I have complete faith in you,
Marty.

We're alive!

Sorry I'm late.
I had to wait
for the national sales figures.

And?

We sold nine books.
Well, eight.

One was shoplifted
in Minneapolis,

but that was returned
for store credit.

Without a receipt?

Jude, I think
you're missing the point.

The point being, I'm fucked.

Well, you know,
the reviews were pretty good.

And maybe you should
just use them in an ad.

Really?

Which one
do you think sounds sexy?

Let's see.
A thought-provoking, if dense?

Or worth it
for those with patience?

All right.
I was just trying to help.

I need a big idea.
I don't care how much it costs,
I need it right now.

Martin, you're just putting
way too much pressure
on yourself.

Now, come on. Get into bed.
Just watch some TV.

Sometimes an idea
will come to you
when you least expect it.

No, no, that never happens.

Over TV] More than one million
have already been sold.

This remarkable
product can now--

I got an idea.

Uh, so sorry. I was here.

- Lisa!
- Eddie Charles, hey!

I can see you're after
The Barrel Maker, too.

Isn't everybody?
But I got the last copy.

So sorry.

You know, I was thinking

about devoting a whole week
of my show to you.

We could
talk about your triumphs,

your tribulations.

Give me that book.

It's a done deal.

Get your own.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

Terrific! Terrific!
Just a couple things.

I just need you to crank up
the enthusiasm, just a notch.

Define notch.

Is that more or less than,
say, like a smidge?

Actors and idiots are born.

Okay, look,
think of yourselves as people

who need a heart transplant.

And this, this is the heart.

It's a book
about barrels, you know.

It's not about barrels.

You didn't even read it,
did you?

Well, no, I mean, I'm playing
a guy who hasn't read it,

so I thought
it'd be better if I didn't.

Don't look at me.
I don't read anything.

What the hell do you think
I pay a staff for?

Look, I need more enthusiasms.

There's an extra grand
a piece in it for you
if you can give it to me.

- I've got to have that book.
- I saw the book first.

I saw the book first.

Roll, roll, roll.

No, no, what I'm telling you
is I need those sales figures,

and I need them now.

Martin, the latest
sales figures are in,

and I've got great news.

Skip it. Tell me.
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

I found my troll pen.

- What?
- Guess where it was?

In my hair!

- What about the sales figures?
- Oh, they suck.

Hi, Marty.
Time to do some rapping.

No, no, no.
Thanks, Lu. Not right now.

Oh, but it's the big
musical finish of my video.

So get funky and...

♪ Whitestone
Is the right stone ♪

♪ Such a bright for me ♪

Why don't you get Fred, okay?
He used to be
with the Christy Minstrels.

What's with you, Marty?
You're as droopy
as an old thing goes.

Tit bag.

Have you seen the sales figures
for the barrel maker?

- Have you?
- Yeah, I know.

They're like a blind man's
bowling school.

You should be very pleased.

I think she's just plain stupid.

I know you're very busy
with your video,

but the object here
is to actually sell books

so that we can actually
make money.

Okay, I know a secret

if you promise not to tell.

Gibby set up Camelot
to lose money.

I don't know why.
Anyway, mum's the word.

So, get down
with your bad self and...

I can hardly
believe it to be true.

It is true.

It is not true.

- No.
- Lies.

It seems
you've caught me with my hand

in the upstairs maid, Marty.

I should be trying to think up
some elaborate lie

to spare your feelings,
but I hate being late
for blood sport, sir.

So, mea culpa.

But why?

Why would you set up Camelot
to lose money, Gibby?

- You love money.
- Simple.

Whitestone is currently
the target
of a hostile takeover.

And since I refuse
to succumb to greenmail. No.

I've decided to make
the company less attractive

by decreasing our book value.

Parlez-vous English?

Okay. Okay, okay.

But why are you doing
this to me?

Well, who better
to pilot the Hindenburg

than a chain smoker
such as yourself? No.

You see, Fred or Carter
might have panicked

and published
something actually popular,
like those Dave Barry books,

but I knew that you would
stick by your guns.
Yes.

The Barrel Maker
is an unparalleled disaster.

You ought to be congratulated
on a job poorly done.

Here.

- You just Wait a minute, Gibby.
- Now, listen.

You just get back out there
and keep up the bad work.

And spend more on lunches.

What a first-class
chump I've been.

I brought you some Toasty O's.

Great.
Is there a prize inside the box?

Maybe like a little noose
or a cyanide capsule?

- Something like that.
- Martin.

You know,
I'd pretty much given up
on the idea of being a writer,

you know,
but I still thought I was a...

pretty decent editor.

You're a marvelous editor.

You've taken hundreds
of mediocre manuscripts
and made them...

- less mediocre.
- Thank you.

Isn't there anything
I can do to help?

Well, you could run out
and buy about a million copies
of The Barrel Maker.

Put us on the bestseller list.
That'd be nice.

No, I have a better idea.

Why don't we rent Annie Hall?

I want to be left alone.

Uh, I think
it's your discard, man.

Take whatever you want.

You know what?
Why don't we get out of here?

You know, go shoot some hoops

or go to Gibby's porch
and set fire to a bag of shit.

Yes.

- You want me to get that?
- Oh, no, no.

It's probably Maureen
calling to tell me that Julian's

poked his eyes out
with a tiny little
screwdriver or something.

Just-- just forget it.

- Hello.
- Martin.

- Yeah.
- You're not going to believe it.

The Barrel Maker
is selling like rabbits.

Toby, you are a very,
very sick person.

You know me, this is not
my phony phone call voice.

I'm looking at the figures.
We've sold
5,000 copies since Tuesday.

Three stores
call today to reorder.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Okay, look.

Leave the sales figures
on my desk and call shipping,

Tell them they have to work
on the weekend.

And call Julian
and tell him the good news.

And I'm on my way.

He would rise from the grave
within which he lies.

♪ Whitestone
Is the right stone ♪

♪ Such a right stone for me ♪

Gibby, the Hindenburg
has arrived safe.

Shall I just
park it up your ass? Hmm?

Well, well, well.

I haven't seen anything
shoot up this fast

since I shared a cab
with Ginger Baker.

Well, I got one thing
to say to you.

You were right and I was wrong.

You're fired.

Huh?

- Fired?
- Mm-hmm.

As president of Camelot.

So get back down to the galley
and reshackle yourself
to your oar.

You'll have to think up
some other way to lose money.

- Perhaps Whitestone films.
- No, no, no, no.

You can fuck me all you like,
but I am not going to let you
abandon Julian.

I'm afraid
it's he who has abandoned you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that harpy of his
used our advance money
to buy a big screen TV.

Julian watched
a couple of sitcoms,
wrote a script,

and he's now in Hollywood
writing a pilot for Chaka Khan.

The moment is ripe
for a young Khan.

You know what? Good.

Good, good for him
and good for me

because you can kill
Camelot, Gibby,
but you cannot kill the truth.

And the truth is I was right.
I made quality sell.

I know it and you know it
and all these
thousands of people

who bought
The Barrel Maker know it.

This is Judith Stone
of the Richard Stone Foundation.

I'd like to donate
some books to your library.

Oh, about five thousand.

No, no, no. They're all novels.

In fact,
they're all the same novel.

Is that a problem?

No one should stand in my way.

Soon every critic
will recognize my greatness.