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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:03,737
( phone ringing )
2
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,409
Hello.
3
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,611
What?
4
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,113
I can't understand you.
5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,747
Who is it?
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:14,915
I don't know.
7
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,584
Some woman crying.
8
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:18,819
Hold on. Charlie!
9
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,354
What?
10
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,356
Phone for you.
11
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,724
Who is it?
12
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:24,758
An hysterical woman.
13
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,129
Are you insane?
14
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,164
I don't take calls
from hysterical women.
15
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,565
Here he is.
16
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:36,337
You are very insensitive.
17
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:39,073
Hello?
18
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,841
Oh, hey, how are you?
19
00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,511
She's crying. Duh.
20
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,713
Okay, calm down.
21
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:48,916
I can't understand you.
22
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,050
Omelette?
23
00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,853
What is omelette?
24
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,256
Oh, "I'm late."
25
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,059
What are you late for, hon?
26
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,062
Get him out of here.
27
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,664
Jake, go watch TV.
28
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,065
What's the big deal?
29
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,101
I don't cry when I'm late.
30
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,440
Okay, are you sure?
31
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,142
Don't yell.
32
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,075
How did this hap...?
33
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,310
Scratch that.
34
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,179
Okay, okay,
just stay calm.
35
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,214
I'm here for you.
36
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,483
We'll deal with this together.
37
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:27,087
You didn't happen
to catch her name, did you?
38
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,890
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
39
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:33,294
* Men... *
40
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,601
The instructions
sound pretty clear.
41
00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:42,836
You pee on the stick...
42
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:48,342
and if it turns blue,
it means you're pregnant.
43
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,578
The stick turns blue.
44
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:56,484
Yes, sweetheart,
first go into the bathroom.
45
00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,521
Not exactly a rocket scientist.
46
00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:02,823
As opposed
to the Nobel Prize winners
47
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,124
you usually bring home?
48
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:08,095
Uh-huh, I'm still here.
49
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,298
Go ahead. Let 'er rip.
50
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,435
What do you mean, you can't?
51
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,437
Hold on.
52
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:26,113
How's that?
53
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,748
Yeah, I'm a genius.
54
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,552
Now we wait 30 seconds.
55
00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,487
Please, God,
please, please, please.
56
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,224
Isn't it a little late
for prayer, Charlie?
57
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:39,927
Don't mock my faith.
58
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,262
Yeah, I'm here.
59
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,364
Did it change colors?
60
00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:46,267
No? Well, t-that,
that's good, right?
61
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:48,969
Well, sure, in a strange way
62
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,339
I'm a little disappointed, too.
63
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,708
Hold on a sec.
64
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,918
So, what else is new?
65
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:08,256
Congratulations.
When's the wedding?
66
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,261
Isn't that nice?
67
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,628
Best of luck.
68
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,929
Bye-bye.
69
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,667
Boy, don't you just
hate when that happens?
70
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,569
So, so, this
71
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,036
is a common occurrence?
72
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,305
Don't you take
precautions?
73
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:26,440
Well, of course.
74
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,309
But come on-- you've
never found yourself
75
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,544
in a slow elevator
without a condom?
76
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,747
Look who I'm asking.
77
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,353
We need soap,
78
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:42,456
uh, razor blades,
cotton balls...
79
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,292
Cotton balls--
that reminds me.
80
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:46,026
Reminds you of what?
81
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:49,297
Ribbed for her pleasure.
82
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,898
Ultra thin for mine.
83
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,736
Fiesta colors for...
I suppose fiestas.
84
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,807
And extra-strength, double latex
85
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,509
for Coyote Tuesdays.
86
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,979
Boy, if women knew
the trouble we go to.
87
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,681
Why don't you just get snipped?
88
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,418
You mean a vasectomy?
Yeah.
89
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:11,452
Well, then say vasectomy.
90
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:12,520
Don't say "snipped."
91
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,887
What's wrong with snipped?
92
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,122
It's demeaning.
93
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:18,426
Snipped is what you get
for 12 bucks at Supercuts.
94
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:21,061
Fine.
Why don't you get a vasectomy?
95
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,296
I've considered it.
96
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,298
In fact, a couple of years ago,
97
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:27,067
I believe there was
a petition circulating.
98
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,636
So, what's holding you back?
99
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,771
I don't know,
it's kind of a permanent move.
100
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:33,474
What happens if one day
I finally meet the right woman
101
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,443
and decide
I want to raise a family?
102
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,879
( baby crying )
103
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,414
Don't cry. Look.
104
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,483
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
105
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,585
Look at Daddy's
funny face.
106
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,658
Ah, who am I kidding?
107
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:54,462
Sweetheart,
I have to go.
108
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,029
I have a patient.
109
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:58,065
No, you just stay off your feet.
110
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,801
Remember,
you're very, very pregnant.
111
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,636
I love you, too.
112
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:03,737
I know.
113
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,074
I know, we're going
to have a baby.
114
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,442
Yes, we are.
115
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:09,943
( chuckling ):
Okay, sweetie, bye-bye.
116
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:13,347
So, Mr. Harper,
you want a vasectomy.
117
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:14,214
Um... yes.
118
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:15,549
You do that, right?
119
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,418
Of course we do,
in the exam room next door.
120
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:18,752
Snip, snip.
121
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:23,190
Great. Uh, I just have a couple
of... pre-snip questions.
122
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:26,394
Shoot. Which, by the way,
you'll still do post-snip,
123
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,228
if that
was one of your questions.
124
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:30,464
Well, good.
125
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,132
Of course,
if I've done my job right,
126
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,434
you'll be shooting blanks. Yeah.
127
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:34,935
Yeah, I got that.
128
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,504
What I was wondering
129
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,373
is if there's
any permanent effects.
130
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,442
You mean like sexual impairment?
131
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:45,012
No, no, no... wait a minute.
132
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,447
There can be sexual impairment?
133
00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:49,550
No. I just wanted to see
the look on your face.
134
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,553
Actually,
you'll be able to perform
135
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,421
exactly as you did before.
136
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:54,855
Well, great.
137
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:57,858
But what about,
like, uh, creativity?
138
00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,560
See, I write music
for a living.
139
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,495
Will I still be able to do that?
140
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:04,932
Do you write
with your testicles?
141
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,471
No.
142
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,172
Then it shouldn't be a problem.
143
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:13,674
Now, let me ask you a question.
144
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,175
Do you have children already?
145
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,510
No.
Okay, then you might
146
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,546
want to think
about freezing some sperm
147
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,180
in case
you ever change your mind.
148
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,815
Frozen sperm-- I don't know.
149
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:22,450
Why not?
150
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,984
Well, you know,
151
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:27,387
you freeze shrimp,
it's never as good as fresh.
152
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:29,790
That's really not
the same thing.
153
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:32,359
So, you know for a fact
that frozen kids
154
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,394
are just the same
as the regulars?
155
00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:35,629
Yeah, pretty much.
156
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,598
Of course, when they grow up,
157
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,434
they do tend to migrate
to the Sunbelt.
158
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:42,870
Nothing. Wow.
159
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:45,072
That one kills
at urology conventions.
160
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,408
( phone ringing )
Excuse me.
161
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,611
Yes? Oh, put her on.
162
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,012
( sotto voce ):
It's my wife.
163
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,046
Hi, honey.
164
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,281
Oh, no kidding.
165
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,283
She's really kicking up
a storm, huh?
166
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,685
We know it's a girl.
167
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,587
Good.
Oh, hang on.
168
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,222
Um, do you like Brittany
or Allison for a name?
169
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:04,124
They're both nice.
170
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:05,493
Yeah.
171
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:07,728
Okay, honey, let me
get this guy out of here
172
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,530
and I'll call
you back.
173
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:10,430
Okay, Mommy.
174
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:11,699
( chuckling )
175
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,567
Yeah, you're going
to be a mommy.
176
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,035
Yes, you are.
177
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:19,172
So, frozen sperm.
178
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:20,340
I'm just not really sure
179
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,775
I want to go into
some little room
180
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,011
with a bunch of magazines
and, you know...
181
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,212
Actually,
182
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,279
we have videos now.
183
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,615
Kind of hot.
184
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,350
But you don't have
to do it here.
185
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,219
We'll give you a container,
and you can go home
186
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,021
and make yourself comfortable,
dim the lights,
187
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,623
put on
a little sweet soul music...
188
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,658
I know the procedure.
189
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,026
Then just bring it back here
190
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:41,294
while the little fellas
are still swimming,
191
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,996
and we'll turn 'em
into popsicles.
192
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,865
"Popsicles"?
193
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:47,167
You know, in case someday
you want to be a pop.
194
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:49,637
Oh, yeah.
195
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,705
( chuckles weakly ):
Very clever.
196
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:54,742
Well, you deal with prostates
and penises all day,
197
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,977
you better have
a sense of humor.
198
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,646
And warm hands.
199
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,280
Oh, that's good. I'll use that.
200
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,481
"Warm hands."
201
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:03,717
That's good.
202
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,055
I'm done.
Can I go play in my room?
203
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,659
Jake, Grandma
came all the way over here
204
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,126
to spend some time with you.
205
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:17,130
Alan, don't use guilt
as a control mechanism.
206
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,498
He should only
spend time
207
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,034
with me if he wants to.
208
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:28,809
So, I can go, right?
209
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,812
Run.
210
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:35,515
Morning.
211
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,449
Good morning,
darling.
212
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,918
Morning, Charlie.
213
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,153
Oh, Charlie, what's wrong
with your pee-pee?
214
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,291
What?!
215
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,659
A little birdie told me
216
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,095
you were in a urologist's office
yesterday.
217
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,496
Thanks a lot, Tweety.
218
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,531
I didn't say anything.
219
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:52,465
Coincidentally,
220
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,801
your doctor has a suite
221
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,636
in the same medical building
as Dr. Shankman,
222
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,104
the man responsible
223
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,640
for one out of three
tight tushies in Beverly Hills.
224
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,142
So, Dr. Shankman saw me
and told you?
225
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,512
No, you left your appointment
card on the table here.
226
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,180
I just brought up Dr. Shankman
227
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,883
because no one has noticed
my new tushy.
228
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,754
Very nice, Mom.
229
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:16,657
Of course. It's a Shankman.
230
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,861
So, Charles,
back to your pee-pee.
231
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,998
I'm done.
Can I go play in my room?
232
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,667
There's nothing's
wrong with it.
233
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,435
I'm just getting
a vasectomy.
234
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:31,672
You must really hate me.
235
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,842
Um... are we
changing the subject?
236
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:38,445
How can you have a vasectomy
without consulting me?
237
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:42,249
You're selfishly robbing me
of grandchildren.
238
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,617
You've got grandchildren.
239
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,686
Oh, big whoop-- one.
240
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,889
Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
241
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,924
I'm going to do
the freezing thing.
242
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:54,361
Really? Well, I suppose
that's better than nothing.
243
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,398
You know, I'm doing
a freezing thing, too.
244
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,734
What?
Excuse me?
245
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:03,603
At death I plan to have
my head removed and frozen
246
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,639
until such time
as it can be revived
247
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,140
and put on a monkey body.
248
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:13,681
What? Everybody's doing it.
249
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:19,720
( sultry music playing )
250
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,225
Charlie, you got somebody
in there?
251
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,828
CHARLIE:
Uh, no.
252
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:29,997
I need to get your towels.
253
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,465
Uh, I really wish
you wouldn't.
254
00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:34,567
Come on. I'm doing laundry.
255
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,337
I want to finish a load
before I go.
256
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,941
Yeah, well,
me, too.
257
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,810
What?
258
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:45,612
Never mind.
Just go away.
259
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:46,980
All right.
260
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,917
If it helps,
you can think of me.
261
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,390
Oh, hey, Charlie, wait a second.
262
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,092
I don't pick up Jake
till after dinner.
263
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,660
You want to catch
an early movie?
264
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:03,296
Maybe. But I got to make
one stop first.
265
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,798
Come on.
266
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,471
What's in the bag?
267
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,140
Sperm.
268
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,175
No, really.
269
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:16,343
Sperm.
270
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:22,082
Whose sperm?
271
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,785
Seabiscuit's.
Who do you think? Mine.
272
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:28,956
I thought we were going
to a movie.
273
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,991
Yeah, but first
I'm having my sperm frozen
274
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,392
and getting a vasectomy.
275
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,795
Ah.
276
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:38,598
I could've met you
at the theater, you know.
277
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:40,333
Just hold the bag.
278
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:47,574
There is another container
inside this bag, right?
279
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,909
Of course.
280
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:51,144
You just got to keep it
out of the sunlight.
281
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,913
Why?
282
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,815
Is it vampire sperm?
283
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:57,417
( siren blaring )
284
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,422
Aw, geez, he's going
to want to look in the bag.
285
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:03,924
Oh, God, oh, God.
286
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,361
What the hell
did you do that for?!
287
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,363
I don't know. I panicked!
288
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,177
Hey, hey, Charlie?!
289
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,378
What?
290
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,714
Are you nuts? You can't put that
in the freezer.
291
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:30,050
It's ice cream.
292
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:34,554
Store-bought, not hand-cranked.
293
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,123
Yeah, you're hilarious.
294
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,059
You're lucky
I'm still talking to you
295
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,795
after tossing my swimmers
on the Coast Highway.
296
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,230
What?
297
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,364
It's nothing.
298
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,299
Thanks to you, I got
to reschedule the whole deal
299
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,068
for this afternoon.
What whole deal?
300
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,369
It's not important, Jake.
301
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,337
Why shouldn't he know?
302
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,240
Okay, go ahead.
Explain it to him.
303
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,443
Well, Jake...
304
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:00,480
Your Uncle Charlie
is getting a vasectomy.
305
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,216
Oh.
306
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,487
What's wrong with the car
you have now?
307
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,160
Well done.
308
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,529
All right, let me try again.
309
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,066
Uh, a vasectomy
310
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,533
is a very simple operation...
311
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,002
Are you sick?
312
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:24,237
No, no, no,
I'm-I'm perfectly healthy.
313
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:28,108
It's a procedure so that I don't
have, uh, babies by accident.
314
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,011
Oh, yeah, like we had to do
with Scout.
315
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,346
Scout?
316
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:34,247
A dog we had.
317
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,083
Couldn't keep it in his fur.
318
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,552
Keep going. You're doing great.
319
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:43,456
Uh, Jake, it's not exactly the
same with people as with dogs.
320
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:44,491
I know.
321
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,964
Why don't you just use a condom?
322
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,876
I guess he knows more
than he lets on.
323
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,514
You do, don't you?
324
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,950
I hear things.
325
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:13,486
Thanks for baby-sitting, Rose.
326
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:14,654
Oh, my pleasure.
327
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,156
Is Charlie going to be okay?
328
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:17,624
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
he's just having
329
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,692
a-a little procedure done
and I need to be there
330
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:22,129
to drive him home.
Oh, what kind
of procedure?
331
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,496
Uh, it's personal.
332
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,998
Oh, I understand.
333
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,133
Mm.
Where is he?
334
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,169
Upstairs, uh...
getting ready.
335
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,138
Throwing a few things
in a bag.
336
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,673
I'll, uh... I'll tell Jake
you're here.
337
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,643
Okay.
338
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:46,353
( sultry soul music playing )
339
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,320
Charlie?
340
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,023
CHARLIE:
Rose, for God's sake!
341
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:52,525
ROSE:
Do you need a hand?
342
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:55,395
CHARLIE:
No! Get out!
343
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,033
Charlie?
344
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,969
CHARLIE:
What?!
345
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,870
What's the little cup for?
346
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,772
CHARLIE:
Go away, Rose.
347
00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:07,340
Don't be embarrassed.
348
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,343
That's a perfectly natural way
to relieve stress.
349
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:13,546
You know what I do?
Jumping jacks.
350
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,115
CHARLIE:
Rose, please.
351
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:18,051
The only downside
is when I exercise,
352
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,053
I get all hot and sweaty,
353
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,355
and my clothes start clinging
to my body,
354
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:26,926
so then I have to go and take
a nice, hot, soapy shower.
355
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:32,432
CHARLIE:
Then what?
356
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:35,435
Rose?
357
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,570
Oh, damn.
358
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,241
Look, I'm sorry
I walked in on you.
359
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:44,711
I thought you were finished
with the video and everything.
360
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:45,778
Forget it, Alan.
361
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:48,415
I wish I could.
362
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,118
Why didn't you hang a sock
on the doorknob?
363
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:52,519
I would if I had one.
364
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,555
Obviously, a power
much greater than myself
365
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,524
doesn't want me
to freeze my sperm.
366
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,525
Yeah, but if you don't,
367
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,093
and you go ahead
with this vasectomy,
368
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,394
you'll never be able
to have children.
369
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,263
Well, what difference
does it make?
370
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,898
We both know I'm
not daddy material.
371
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,568
Well, no, not now...
or anytime soon,
372
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:13,773
but who knows, maybe in the
distant monkey-body future.
373
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,308
Look, this is my life.
374
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,044
I know what's best for me.
375
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:20,547
Okay, Mister... Harper,
376
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,415
why don't you jump
up on the table,
377
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:25,652
put your legs in the stirrups,
and we'll get you shaved.
378
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,690
Oh, damn.
379
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,892
I didn't bring the camcorder.
380
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,761
Thanks, Alan.
381
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,996
I'll see you later.
Good luck.
382
00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:38,465
Oh, uh, uh, don't forget
to put a cone
383
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,467
around his head so he doesn't
bite at the stitches.
384
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,140
All right.
385
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:50,243
Let's have a look.
386
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,746
Okay, in my defense,
it's a little cold in here.
387
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:57,250
Boy, if I had a nickel
for every time I heard that.
388
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:17,670
So...
389
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,106
what's your name?
390
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,441
Naomi.
391
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,343
Let me ask you something, Naomi.
392
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,011
Does doing this make you want
393
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,480
to have dinner with me
more or less?
394
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,516
Just a reminder, Mr. Harper:
395
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,385
I'm holding a razor
to your genitals.
396
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,088
I know, but how "meet cute"
is this?
397
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,124
What a great story
398
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,760
to tell our...
399
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:43,230
Our what?
400
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,965
Never mind.
401
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,868
Okay, all done.
402
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:50,537
That was quick.
403
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:53,640
You got a little mirror
so I can check out the back?
404
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,608
Not that little.
405
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:58,511
Come on, honey,
all right?
406
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,780
Breathe with me.
Breathe with me.
407
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,849
Ah, ooh, ooh. All right,
that's good. That's good.
408
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,617
Now listen, I just got to do
one quick snip,
409
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,386
and then I'll meet you
at the hospital.
410
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:07,720
Excuse me, quick snip?
411
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:08,755
Oh, no, thanks, I'm fine.
412
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:12,592
I love you.
Breathe, honey, just breathe.
413
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:14,060
Okay, bye-bye.
414
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,596
Whoa, it's getting exciting now.
415
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:19,399
Okay, let's see
what we're up against here.
416
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,667
Woof! That's quite a haircut.
417
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,471
Looks like my grandma
in a bathing cap.
418
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,576
Okay, Mr. Harper,
419
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:32,078
I'm going to give you
a local anesthetic here,
420
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,880
so you're going to feel
a little sting.
421
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,282
Okay, just let me know
422
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,318
when you're about to...
holy mother of God!
423
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,187
Okay, here it comes.
424
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,053
Kidding.
425
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,289
Kidding.
426
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:47,560
Now we'll just give it a minute
till we're nice and numb.
427
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,863
You know, we're thinking Juliet
now, or maybe Julianne.
428
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,265
Both good names.
429
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:54,267
Yeah. You want a name
that fits a child
430
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,269
but also is appropriate
for an adult.
431
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,871
Can you feel my finger?
432
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,173
What finger? Why, why?
433
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,374
What are you doing?
434
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:04,110
Okay, let's start snipping.
435
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:07,347
( phone rings )
436
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,649
Naomi, could you get that
for me?
437
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,785
Hello?
438
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,621
Oh, hi, honey.
439
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:15,788
No, no, I can talk.
440
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,592
What? You-you're kidding.
Already?
441
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,160
Okay, um, don't panic.
I'm on my way.
442
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,662
Okay, this is
a little embarrassing,
443
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:23,596
but I have to go.
444
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,797
Naomi, why don't you
see to it
445
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,666
that Mr. Harper has
another appointment
446
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,469
and, uh, no charge
for the haircut.
447
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,671
I'm going to be a daddy!
448
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,845
Man, he looks really happy.
449
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:41,548
Yeah, well, they've been trying
for a long time.
450
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,184
Uh, you can put
your legs down now.
451
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:48,921
Yeah... that's one option.
452
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:02,068
Unbelievable.
Let it go, Alan.
453
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:05,572
Who goes in for a vasectomy
and comes out with a date?
454
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:08,575
What? I'm a man; she's a woman.
455
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,843
A woman who, two minutes
after you met her,
456
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,312
was shaving your scrotum.
457
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,647
So we skipped ahead a little.
458
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,885
Hey, you feeling any calmer,
Uncle Charlie?
459
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,353
What do you mean?
460
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,122
When Scout had his operation,
he got real calm.
461
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:27,427
Then he got fat and only wanted
to sleep behind the dryer.
462
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:30,330
Okay, first of all,
it's not the same operation,
463
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,465
and second of all,
I didn't even have it.
464
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,133
So you're going to have kids?
465
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,603
I don't know. Maybe someday.
466
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:39,406
I hope so 'cause you'd be
a cool dad.
467
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:42,041
Really?
468
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,476
Mm-hmm.
469
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:47,113
Did you hear that?
470
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,348
Yeah.
471
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:49,349
So, you're,
uh, you're not
472
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:50,483
going to have the vasectomy?
473
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,218
Hey, I tried my best,
474
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:53,520
but it just wasn't meant to be.
475
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,721
What do you mean?
476
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,456
Do you think
it was a coincidence
477
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,525
that my urologist
was having a baby
478
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,927
at the very moment
I was about to get snipped?
479
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,629
I mean, I'm not
480
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,030
a particularly religious guy,
481
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:07,400
but clearly a power
much greater than myself
482
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:10,703
wants me to knock somebody up
someday.
483
00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:15,274
You called?
32536
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