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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,986
DWIGHT: Last week,
I gave a fire safety talk,
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00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:29,392
(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)
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00:00:29,462 --> 00:00:31,692
And nobody paid
any attention.
4
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,663
It's my own fault
for using PowerPoint.
5
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,233
PowerPoint is boring.
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00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,134
People learn in
lots of different ways,
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00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:42,106
but experience is
the best teacher.
8
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:50,478
Today, smoking is
going to save lives.
9
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,204
Does anyone
smell anything smoky?
10
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:14,797
Did you bring
your jerky in again?
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00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:17,100
(CLEARS THROAT)
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00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:21,671
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
13
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:23,504
Fire!
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00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:26,074
Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness.
What's the procedure?
15
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,915
DWIGHT: What do we do, people?
The phones are dead.
16
00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:29,215
Oh. How did that happen?
17
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It's out in the hall.
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00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:31,379
No. We don't know that.
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00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:32,823
The smoke could be
coming through
an air duct.
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00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,450
Oh, my God!
Okay, it's happening.
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Everybody stay calm.
Everybody stay calm!
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00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:37,126
DWIGHT: What's the
procedure, everyone?
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00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,892
What's the procedure?
Stay... calm!
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00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:41,263
Everybody just... calm down!
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00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,564
No, no, Michael, no!
Touch the handle.
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00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:46,605
If it's hot there could
be a fire in the hallway!
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What does warm mean?
Oh, my gosh.
Try a different door.
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(ALL CLAMORING)
Not a viable option.
What next?
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00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:53,005
MICHAEL: Don't run!
JIM: Try the other door.
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00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:56,048
DWIGHT: Here's a door.
Check that one out.
How's the handle?
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It's warm.
JIM: Okay,
go to the back door.
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00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,018
Well, another option.
Another option.
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00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:01,644
Jeez! Okay,
settle down, everyone!
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00:02:01,721 --> 00:02:02,710
PHYLLIS: I forgot my purse!
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Leave it, woman!
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00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:05,149
MICHAEL: Get out of the way!
Go, go, go, go, go!
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00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:06,715
Things can be replaced,
Phyllis!
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00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:09,091
People, human lives,
however...
39
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:13,996
(EXCLAIMS)
My hand! That's hot!
40
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This one's hot, too.
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00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:17,636
Okay, we're trapped.
Everyone for himself!
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Let's go! Let's go!
Get out of my way!
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00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:22,503
DWIGHT: Okay. Okay. Okay!
44
00:02:22,575 --> 00:02:23,633
KEVIN: Get out of the way!
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00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,610
DWIGHT: Have you ever
seen a burn victim?
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Move it!
47
00:02:26,779 --> 00:02:29,179
DWIGHT: Okay!
Procedure! Procedure!
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00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:31,809
Exit options!
Where do we go, folks?
49
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:33,648
DWIGHT: Use a what to
cover the mouth?
(SHUSHING) It's okay.
50
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:37,622
A what? A rag,
a damp rag perhaps.
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00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:40,250
Let's remember
those procedures.
What are the options?
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Okay! That's the wrong way.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
53
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,996
We've already tried that.
Remember your exit points.
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00:02:45,064 --> 00:02:46,395
DWIGHT: Exit points, people.
Oscar?
55
00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,694
DWIGHT: What's next, huh?
Oscar!
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00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:48,893
Stay alive, I'm getting help!
57
00:02:48,968 --> 00:02:49,992
Pull me up!
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00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:51,058
You're too heavy.
59
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,331
I only weigh 82 pounds.
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00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:53,394
(CAT MEOWS)
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00:02:53,473 --> 00:02:54,872
Save Bandit!
62
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:57,469
(CAT YOWLS)
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00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:00,511
How about 911? Anyone? 911?
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00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:12,283
What do we do?
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00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:14,417
Use the surge of
fear and adrenaline
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00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:15,927
to sharpen
your decision making.
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00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:18,486
Okay, I am
not dying here.
Come on.
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00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:21,795
(FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)
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00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,233
ANGELA: What is that?
What is that?
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00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:25,635
The fire's shooting at us!
71
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,606
What in the name of God
is going on?
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00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:30,433
(ALARM RINGING)
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00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:32,102
I'm trying to...
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00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,607
(PHYLLIS SCREAMS)
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(SCREAMS)
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Help! Help!
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Oh, my God!
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(AIR HORN BLARING)
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00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:55,628
Attention!
Employees of Dunder Mifflin!
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00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:59,138
This has been
a test of our
emergency preparedness.
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00:03:59,205 --> 00:04:01,435
There's no fire.
It was only a simulation.
82
00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:02,531
What?
83
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:06,238
Fire not real.
This was merely
a training exercise.
84
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,381
So what have we learned?
85
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,440
Oh, come on.
It's not real, Stanley.
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00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:12,541
KEVIN: Oh, my God.
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00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:13,643
DWIGHT: Don't have
a heart attack.
88
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,187
No, no, no, no,
you will not die!
89
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,622
Stanley! Stanley!
You will not die! Stanley!
90
00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:20,886
Stanley! Barack is President!
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00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,428
You are black, Stanley!
I'm gonna give
him mouth-to-mouth.
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00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:25,157
No, no, no.
Don't give him
mouth-to-mouth for this.
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00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:26,459
He just swallowed
his tongue.
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00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:29,831
Michael! Michael!
Open your mouth.
Don't swallow it!
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00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:34,402
I'm fine!
Leave me...
I'm saving him!
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00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:09,169
How could you
possibly think
this is a good idea?
97
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:11,642
A lot of ideas
were not appreciated
in their time.
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00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:12,973
Electricity.
Shampoo.
99
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,037
You could have burned down
the whole building.
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00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:17,844
I just want to say,
for the record,
I did not kill anyone.
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Stanley was attacked
by his own heart.
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00:05:19,952 --> 00:05:21,886
And he should be
released from the hospital
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00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:23,353
and back in the office
in a couple days.
104
00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:26,586
Did you shout "fire,"
causing a panic?
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00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:29,685
Yes, I shouted "fire."
I shouted many things.
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00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:32,629
I also shouted instructions
on how to get out
of the building.
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00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:35,293
So you can
imagine my frustration,
as safety officer,
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00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:37,529
when nobody would heed of...
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00:05:37,603 --> 00:05:39,537
Heeded... Heeded of...
"Head." "Head."
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00:05:39,605 --> 00:05:40,765
When no one headed...
"Take headed of."
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No one would
take headed of
my instructions.
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So you...
"Heed." "Heed."
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"Take heed of."
"Take heed of."
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00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,771
And I don't see my co-workers
heeding this right now.
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Wait, what?
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00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,446
Okay.
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(SIGHS)
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(EXHALES) The city.
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Dwight.
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00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,870
We are not mad,
we are just disappointed.
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00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:17,273
No, we are mad.
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00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:20,176
Yes, we are.
We are livid.
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00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,180
But we are going to
let this one slide.
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DWIGHT: Thank you.
No, we're not.
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00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,846
I am not
a mind reader, David.
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00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:30,787
Look, this is
a very serious offense.
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00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:32,222
We have cause to fire you.
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00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:34,384
MICHAEL: (WHISPERING)
Can you shove down?
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00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:37,827
Instead...
Shove down, please.
130
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,161
Instead what I think
we should do is
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00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,895
strip you of your
title as safety officer.
No.
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00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,164
And we should take
a part of his pay
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00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,672
and donate it
to the charity
of your choice.
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00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:48,934
Something that
Dwight doesn't like.
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00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:50,032
PETA.
136
00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:53,306
Michael, you have to
take responsibility here.
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00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:55,745
One of your employees
had a heart attack.
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00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:57,407
He could have died
because of the way
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00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:58,916
you're allowing
your office to run.
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00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,680
Do you want that
on your conscience?
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00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,152
Do you?
142
00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:03,688
DAVID: Michael?
Are you talking to me?
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00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,485
DAVID: Yeah.
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00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:06,650
What?
145
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:11,955
Well, I guess
we papered over that
pretty nicely.
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00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:13,191
(CHUCKLES SMUGLY)
147
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,666
Always amuses me
when corporate thinks
they can make some big change
148
00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:18,898
with a 20-minute meeting
in some fancy high rise.
149
00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:22,273
What's the matter?
Are you hungry?
150
00:07:23,075 --> 00:07:25,100
No, Dwight,
I am worried.
151
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,769
A mars life is
in my hands.
152
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:29,314
Now don't you
worry about that.
153
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,350
I got it covered. Okay?
154
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:34,682
I am planning a bomb scare
that should really
get the blood pumping.
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00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:36,346
That's not going to happen.
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00:07:36,422 --> 00:07:38,788
I'm taking over
as safety man.
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00:07:38,858 --> 00:07:40,416
What? You?
Yes.
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00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:41,824
Come on.
I'm a smart guy.
159
00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:44,795
That's preposterous.
I'll figure it out.
No. I will.
160
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:48,963
Nobody should have to
go to work thinking,
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00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:52,095
"Oh, this is the place
that I might die today."
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00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:55,038
That's what a hospital's for.
163
00:07:55,107 --> 00:07:58,565
An office is for not dying.
164
00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:06,207
An office is a place to
live life to the fullest,
to the max. To...
165
00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:12,022
An office is a place
where dreams come true.
166
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,888
(SHUSHING)
167
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:17,862
Don't excite him.
Don't make him excitable.
168
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,861
Welcome back, Stanley.
169
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,562
Thank you, Michael.
170
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:27,231
It's true,
around this office
in the past
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00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:29,433
I have been a little
abrupt with people.
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00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,942
Not maybe, yes or no.
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00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:31,999
No way. Uh-uh.
174
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,443
Are you from another planet?
175
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,639
Boy, have you
lost your mind?
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00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:35,942
Because I'll
help you find it!
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00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,039
Did I stutter?
178
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:38,845
I'm done. Goodbye.
179
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:43,345
But the doctor said
if I can't find a new way
180
00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:47,188
to relate more positively
to my surroundings,
I'm going to die.
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00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:48,716
Andy.
182
00:08:48,794 --> 00:08:51,160
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
A throne for your highness.
183
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,465
I'm not sitting
in a wheelchair.
184
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,625
No, no, no.
No debate.
185
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,031
You are going to
sit in that wheelchair
186
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:57,763
until you are
back on your feet.
187
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,302
I'm going to die.
188
00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:03,870
ABC, okay?
189
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:07,140
And that stands for
"Airway, Breathing
and Circulation."
190
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,181
Okay. You know what?
That could be
a little confusing,
191
00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:11,910
because in sales ABC
means "Always Be Closing."
192
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:14,077
This is a farce.
I should be
teaching this course.
193
00:09:14,153 --> 00:09:15,177
Shut it. Shut it.
194
00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:19,213
We found ourselves
on the less prepared
side of things
195
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,884
when Stanley had his...
196
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,552
When his heart went berserk.
197
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:24,553
And I knew
exactly what to do.
198
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:28,464
But in a much more real sense,
I had no idea what to do.
199
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:31,526
So I thought we should have
a CPR training class.
200
00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:35,267
And of course you can't
get the practice dummy
201
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:37,707
unless the instructor
comes along with it.
202
00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:40,075
Red Cross and their racket.
203
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:44,246
I can't keep
doing this forever.
204
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:45,909
It's been 20 seconds.
205
00:09:47,853 --> 00:09:49,616
Call it.
206
00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:50,986
Would you like to try next?
207
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:52,957
Absolutely I would not.
208
00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:55,323
You know who
I really think
should go?
209
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,194
Stanley.
210
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:58,594
Oh, I don't know.
211
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,360
It's not
a good idea, Michael.
He needs to rest.
212
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,231
No rest for the sick.
213
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:09,007
We are not always
going to be there
214
00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:14,103
to coddle
your heart back when it
disappears to be working.
215
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:16,774
What are you going to do
if you're by yourself
and your heart stops?
216
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,214
I would die.
217
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,615
And you're
okay with that?
218
00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:21,448
I'm okay with
the logic of it.
219
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:24,580
Uh-uh. No, no, no.
Come on. Get up.
Let's do this.
220
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,454
STANLEY: Yes,
I had a heart attack.
221
00:10:26,525 --> 00:10:29,426
I would quit,
but I'm too old
to find another job.
222
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,622
And I don't have
enough saved to retire.
223
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,495
I feel like I'm
working in my own casket.
224
00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:37,030
Come on, Stanley!
You're losing you!
225
00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:38,968
You're losing you! Do it!
226
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:40,972
Michael.
MICHAEL: This is you
we're talking about.
227
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,029
Michael.
228
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:44,235
Okay, okay,
I'll show them.
Here we go.
229
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:48,677
All right.
ROSE:
So assessing the situation.
230
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,340
Are they breathing?
231
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:53,385
No, Rose.
They are not breathing.
232
00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:56,182
And they have no arms or legs.
233
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:57,381
No, that's not part of it.
234
00:10:57,456 --> 00:10:58,548
Where are they?
235
00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:00,922
You know what?
If we come across somebody
236
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:04,986
with no arms or legs,
do we bother
resuscitating them?
237
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:07,396
I mean, what kind of
quality of life
do we have there?
238
00:11:07,466 --> 00:11:09,195
I would want to
live with no legs.
239
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:10,929
How about no arms?
240
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,631
No arms or legs is
basically how you exist
right now, Kevin.
241
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,003
You don't do anything.
242
00:11:15,074 --> 00:11:18,601
ROSE: All right.
Well, let's get back to it,
because you're losing him.
243
00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:19,969
Okay, too fast.
244
00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:22,879
Everyone, we need to
pump at a pace of 100
beats per minute.
245
00:11:22,948 --> 00:11:26,406
Okay. That's hard
to keep track.
How many is that per hour?
246
00:11:26,485 --> 00:11:27,577
How is that
going to help you?
247
00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:30,019
I will divide
and then count to it.
Right.
248
00:11:30,089 --> 00:11:31,454
Okay, well, a good trick
249
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,288
is to pump to
the tune of Staying Alive
by the Bee Gees.
250
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,349
Do you know that song?
251
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,760
Yes, yes. I do.
I love that song.
252
00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:40,799
(SINGING)
First I was afraid,
I was petrified
253
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,424
No, it's...
254
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:43,798
(VOCALIZING)
255
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:45,234
(SINGING)
Stayir alive,
stayir alive
256
00:11:45,304 --> 00:11:47,238
Okay. That's enough.
You were in
the parking lot earlier.
257
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,171
That's how I know you.
258
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,576
(VOCALIZING)
259
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,807
(SINGING)
Stayir alive,
stayir alive
260
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,872
(BOTH VOCALIZING)
261
00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:00,384
Stayir alive, stayir alive
Stayir alive, stayir alive
262
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,115
Well, you can tell by
the way I use my walk
263
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:05,384
I'm a womars man,
no time to talk
264
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:09,451
Music loud, women warm
Been kicked around
since I was born
265
00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:11,587
Well, it's all right
It's okay
266
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,757
You can look the other way
267
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,728
ROSE: Okay! Okay!
268
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:17,791
(VOCALIZING)
269
00:12:20,272 --> 00:12:22,206
ALL: Stayir alive,
stayir alive
270
00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:25,175
Yeah. Okay,
you didn't maintain
a hundred beats per minute.
271
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:28,304
And the ambulance
didn't arrive
because nobody called 911.
272
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:29,369
So you lost him.
273
00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:32,178
Okay, he's dead.
Anyone know what we do next?
274
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,310
Anybody? Rose?
275
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:35,614
I have no idea.
Anyone else?
276
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:38,555
We bury him.
Wrong! Check for
an organ donor card.
277
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:40,615
If he has one,
we only have
minutes to harvest.
278
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:41,717
He has no wallet,
I checked.
279
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:43,352
He is an organ donor.
He is?
280
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,693
Get me some ice
and Styrofoam bucket.
281
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,164
Here we go.
282
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:48,860
ANGELA: Oh, my God!
KELLY: Dwight!
283
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,026
Dwight!
284
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,296
(DWIGHT SCREAMING)
KELLY: Dwight, what are you...
285
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:52,394
What are you doing?
286
00:12:52,471 --> 00:12:55,235
We search for the organs.
Where's the heart?
The precious heart.
287
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:57,400
I'm not feeling well.
I need to sit down.
288
00:12:57,476 --> 00:12:59,068
Stanley.
289
00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:01,010
Hey, Stanley.
Stanley.
290
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,104
Are you okay?
291
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:04,478
(DWIGHT MAKING LICKING SOUNDS)
Oh, my God!
292
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,608
STANLEY: Oh, my God!
293
00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:07,515
Dwight!
Clarice.
294
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:09,076
STANLEY: Oh, my God.
295
00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:12,955
Can you tell me
why you had to cut
the face off the dummy?
296
00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:15,016
I didn't think it
was very realistic
in the movie,
297
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,562
and it turns out
it's pretty realistic.
298
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,622
We had to pay for it.
It cost us $3,500.
299
00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:23,896
$5,300 for a dummy?
Wow.
300
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,732
Well, okay, look.
301
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:29,138
David, this is
why we have training.
302
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:32,666
We start with the dummy
and we learn
from our mistakes.
303
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:36,579
And now Dwight knows
not to cut the face
off of a real person.
304
00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:46,919
Hope you
brought your apetitos,
my lady, my Tuna.
305
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,060
A little movie popcorn.
306
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:54,889
Damn it.
307
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:57,092
This movie,
a lot of buzz.
308
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,660
Not coming out
for another six months.
309
00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:02,332
Mrs. Albert Hanaday.
310
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:05,866
So the friendship
with the Nard-Dog
has its privileges.
311
00:14:07,279 --> 00:14:09,509
We don't normally
download films illegally
312
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,912
because we're honest,
hard-working people.
313
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,349
And we don't know how.
314
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,819
But Andy does,
so we have to
watch it with him.
315
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,913
Punishment fits
the crime.
316
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:24,922
I want you to meet my nana.
Nana, this is Sam.
317
00:14:25,464 --> 00:14:28,592
Hi. Nice to meet you,
Mrs. Hanaday.
318
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,464
Please, call me Lily.
319
00:14:38,744 --> 00:14:41,872
Let's play bridge.
You can be my partner.
320
00:14:43,249 --> 00:14:45,615
All right, Lily.
321
00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:53,591
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
322
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,287
(SIGHS)
323
00:14:58,364 --> 00:14:59,422
What's going on?
324
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:02,058
No one really knows,
but Pam's parents
are going through
325
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,193
a little bit of a rough
patch in their marriage.
326
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,000
My dad spent the night
at our place last night.
327
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:10,872
My parents have been
fighting for weeks
and it kind of sucks.
328
00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:12,308
Jim's been great.
329
00:15:13,445 --> 00:15:16,243
But I'm going to need
to buy my dad a robe.
330
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:18,412
He's not saying
what he needs to say.
331
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,508
Hmm?
332
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,585
Who? Jack Black?
333
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:23,849
Yeah.
334
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:27,523
I mean, they just
need to communicate,
you know.
335
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:31,654
If they said to each other
what they're saying to
everyone else, then...
336
00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:35,626
Hmm.
337
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:39,967
Jim and Pam are
like movie geniuses.
338
00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:44,801
They're catching things
that are totally
going over my head.
339
00:15:45,811 --> 00:15:47,335
Hi, everyone.
340
00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:50,610
Corporate has given
Dwight two strikes.
341
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,379
They are very,
very upset with him.
342
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,012
So, as a
disciplinary measure,
343
00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,790
he is going to
have to issue
a formal apology.
344
00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:05,091
Dwight, have you prepared
your statement of regret?
345
00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,064
I have.
Let's hear it.
346
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,760
(CLEARS THROAT)
347
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,931
I state my regret.
348
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,767
You couldn't have
memorized that?
349
00:16:16,842 --> 00:16:18,400
I could not
because I do not feel it.
350
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:19,739
Okay, everyone,
I'm going to need you
351
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,712
to sign
this statement of regret
352
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,748
as an acknowledgment
that you heard it.
353
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,943
Okay?
Everyone come on up here.
It's not a big deal.
354
00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:28,384
It is a big deal.
You almost killed Stanley.
355
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:31,218
Yeah, right.
I filled him full of butter
and sugar for 50 years
356
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:33,190
and forced him
not to exercise.
357
00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:34,725
Now take a lesson
from Stanley
358
00:16:34,793 --> 00:16:37,261
and jog on up here
and sign this. Okay?
359
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:40,492
Make a line.
Just form a line
right here.
360
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,630
Sign it! Sign it now!
361
00:16:46,638 --> 00:16:47,627
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
362
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,568
Hi, Dad.
363
00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:52,269
Yeah, Jim has shaving cream.
364
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,743
Check our bathroom.
365
00:16:54,813 --> 00:16:56,110
SAM: Lily?
366
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,181
I'm in here.
367
00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:06,157
I... I'm sorry.
I didn't
368
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,255
realize you were
in the bath.
369
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,729
Do you want me to go?
370
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:18,865
I want you to stay.
371
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,345
Oh, boy.
372
00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:31,815
Oh, man.
373
00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:35,578
You know,
Lily was supposed
to be Nicole Kidman.
374
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:39,249
And it was going
to be Sophie's mom,
not grandmother.
375
00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:40,916
But then Nicole Kidman
dropped out,
376
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:43,655
so they went with
Cloris Leachman,
377
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,492
with a small rewrite.
SAM: Just give me your hand
378
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:46,758
and get that in there.
379
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:48,857
Help me pull it around.
380
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,526
Oh, yeah.
You did
that one already.
381
00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:52,467
I know,
but if I get it deeper...
382
00:17:52,538 --> 00:17:53,869
What is...
383
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,938
He was pretty
talkative at breakfast.
384
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:03,847
What?
385
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,416
Breakfast?
386
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,813
You mean when they
were eating soup?
387
00:18:10,889 --> 00:18:13,016
I don't think
that was breakfast.
388
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,357
Unless soup...
Does soup
symbolize breakfast?
389
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:17,759
So he doesn't share
with his daughter,
390
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:20,025
but he shares with
his daughter's fiance?
391
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,294
You guys, they're making out.
392
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:26,568
Hey.
Hey.
393
00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:29,668
Did my dad say
anything about my mom?
394
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:32,676
No. We mostly just
talked about cereal.
395
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:36,841
What?
396
00:18:36,915 --> 00:18:38,382
I don't know.
397
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,044
I mean,
maybe he'll talk to you
about some of the stuff
398
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,748
'cause he can't
really talk to me about it.
399
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,723
Mmm...
You're good to talk to.
400
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:51,190
I'm okay.
I'm not great.
And...
401
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,326
(CHANTING IN SANSKRIT)
402
00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:02,997
Everybody sit on the floor,
Indian-style like me.
403
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:06,576
My God,
if you're wearing a dress,
404
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,738
please keep your
knees together,
nobody wants to see that.
405
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:14,385
My goal is to make
this office as peaceful
406
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:16,978
a place for Stanley Hudson
as I can.
407
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:21,155
And I think
sounds have a lot
to do with that.
408
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:24,024
Here are some downloaded
peaceful sounds.
409
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,621
(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
410
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:30,499
(SAD INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
411
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:32,836
That one makes me think
412
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,067
of death.
413
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:39,642
It's kind of nice.
414
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:44,838
MICHAEL: It is
a beautiful, sunny day
415
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:48,182
as we walk
through the meadow.
416
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:53,086
That is very
spiritual and relaxing.
417
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:57,556
And there are flowers
and it is sunny
and beautiful.
418
00:19:57,629 --> 00:20:01,326
(WHISPERING) Now, up ahead,
a castle in the distance.
419
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,493
Don't open your eyes.
What? Oh.
420
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:07,869
And you walk up
toward the castle.
421
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:13,936
And inside the castle
are four men,
422
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:15,411
and each of them...
423
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,607
None of them have shoes.
424
00:20:17,683 --> 00:20:19,583
And they give you
a funny cigarette
425
00:20:19,651 --> 00:20:22,017
and you feel
even more relaxed,
426
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:25,147
and then you want ice cream.
427
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,987
You want a big bowl
of ice cream.
428
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,924
So what kind of ice
cream do you want?
Yell it out.
429
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:29,983
Chunky Monkey.
430
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,757
Too expensive.
Chocolate.
431
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:33,229
Racism is dead, Stanley.
432
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,823
You can have any kind
of ice cream you want.
433
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,459
(BEEPING)
What do you want?
434
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,527
What is that?
People, please,
435
00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:41,232
I told you
to get rid of
the cell phones.
436
00:20:41,306 --> 00:20:43,740
It's my bio-feedback machine.
437
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:46,801
Oh, okay. What is that,
like a video game?
438
00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:51,406
It alerts me when my
stress level goes up,
so I can try to calm down.
439
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:52,848
You have stress?
440
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,078
Yes.
441
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:56,321
During our
relaxation exercise?
442
00:20:56,388 --> 00:20:57,514
PHYLLIS: Let me
get you some water.
443
00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,056
No, no, I'll help you up.
I'll help you up.
444
00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:00,250
Here we go. Here we go.
Let me get you up.
445
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,656
No, Michael.
Would you step back?
446
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:02,716
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
447
00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:03,852
Please, please.
Okay. All right.
448
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,897
A little further.
MICHAEL: Okay.
449
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:07,756
(BEEPING SLOWS DOWN)
450
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:09,323
That's better.
451
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:10,696
(BEEPING STOPS)
452
00:21:14,072 --> 00:21:15,164
(BEEPING STARTS)
453
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:17,635
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
454
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:19,235
Okay.
455
00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:20,835
(BEEPING SLOWS DOWN)
456
00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:22,812
I think that thing
is on the fritz.
457
00:21:22,881 --> 00:21:23,939
(BEEPING STOPS)
458
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,783
Oscar, would you reach over
and touch his thing?
459
00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:31,254
That's what he said.
Right, guys?
Because of gay.
460
00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:35,292
Let's give this a shot.
461
00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:37,221
Hello!
462
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,593
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
463
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:44,432
Michael, I think
you're what's
stressing everybody out.
464
00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:49,470
So it wasrt
Dwight after all.
465
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:51,441
Looks like I'm the killer.
466
00:21:51,943 --> 00:21:53,808
You never expect
that you're the killer.
467
00:21:53,879 --> 00:21:57,781
It's a great twist.
Great twist.
468
00:22:01,186 --> 00:22:02,312
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
469
00:22:03,588 --> 00:22:05,715
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
470
00:22:06,191 --> 00:22:10,059
Oh. Hey, Mom. No.
471
00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:13,824
What did Dad say?
472
00:22:14,232 --> 00:22:15,324
(DOOR OPENS)
473
00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:18,234
What did you say to my dad?
474
00:22:18,303 --> 00:22:19,327
What?
475
00:22:19,404 --> 00:22:20,871
After you talked,
he called my mom
476
00:22:20,939 --> 00:22:22,270
and said he was gonna look
for an apartment.
477
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,832
Oh, my God.
Pam, I don't know.
I...
478
00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:27,909
Nothing, truly nothing.
479
00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:30,174
I mean, I just
was honest with him
and I...
480
00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:34,883
I'm so sorry.
I don't know.
I'll call him again.
481
00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:42,286
50 percent of marriages
end in divorce,
482
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:45,888
so it was her parents
or my parents.
483
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:53,370
What could Jim have said
to make my dad
want to leave my mom?
484
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:56,874
And at what
point in our marriage
is he gonna say it to me?
485
00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:03,638
MICHAEL: I don't get it.
486
00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:06,183
Do I stress you out?
487
00:23:06,251 --> 00:23:08,151
Nothing stresses me out.
488
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:12,618
Except having to seek
the approval of my inferiors.
489
00:23:12,691 --> 00:23:14,352
Speaking of which...
490
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,999
Remember when
people used to say "boss"
491
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:25,628
when they were
describing something
that was really cool?
492
00:23:25,704 --> 00:23:30,266
Like, "Those shoulder pads
are really boss, man."
493
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:34,076
"Look at that perm.
That perm is so boss."
494
00:23:35,046 --> 00:23:37,776
It's what made me
want to become a boss.
495
00:23:39,284 --> 00:23:42,447
And I looked so good
in a perm and shoulder pads.
496
00:23:42,821 --> 00:23:48,453
But now boss is just slang
for "jerk in charge."
497
00:23:49,661 --> 00:23:52,687
Okay, everybody,
I figured it out.
498
00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:56,063
The reason
that you are all so
stressed around me
499
00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:57,965
is that you are
too intimidated
500
00:23:58,036 --> 00:24:00,971
to tell me
what you really think.
501
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:05,135
You are keeping
these feelings inside
and that is causing stress.
502
00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:06,802
So, what is the solution?
503
00:24:06,878 --> 00:24:11,042
Solution is honesty,
laughter and comedy.
504
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:12,811
In short...
A vacation.
505
00:24:13,351 --> 00:24:19,290
What? No. No.
I'm talking about
a roast of Michael Scott.
506
00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:23,252
Come on. Who here has
the Comedy Central
Roast Channel?
507
00:24:23,328 --> 00:24:24,420
You've seen it, right?
508
00:24:24,496 --> 00:24:28,592
Everybody gets together
and you start hurling
insults at the one guy,
509
00:24:28,667 --> 00:24:32,364
and everybody's laughing
and everybody is
hugging each other.
510
00:24:32,437 --> 00:24:34,905
Michael, are you serious?
Do you really want us
to roast you?
511
00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:35,997
(IN SPANISH)
512
00:24:36,074 --> 00:24:37,803
That's offensive.
It's not!
513
00:24:37,876 --> 00:24:41,039
It's not offensive
during a roast.
Anything goes.
514
00:24:41,112 --> 00:24:43,103
And I want you guys
to really get
cracking on this.
515
00:24:43,181 --> 00:24:46,048
I want you to take me down.
Don't hold back.
516
00:24:46,117 --> 00:24:49,917
I want you to really make fun
of anything about me.
517
00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:53,116
It could be my race,
could be the fact
that I'm so fit,
518
00:24:53,191 --> 00:24:56,683
or I'm a womanizer,
fair game. Whatever.
519
00:24:56,761 --> 00:24:58,592
I don't want to write
your stuff for you,
520
00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:00,290
but I just want it
to be good.
521
00:25:00,365 --> 00:25:05,393
(GIGGLING) Oh, my God.
Oh, man. Oh, my God.
522
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:07,802
I consider myself
a good person,
523
00:25:08,406 --> 00:25:10,271
but I'm gonna try
to make him cry.
524
00:25:12,811 --> 00:25:15,609
MICHAEL: I can already
feel people's stress
starting to melt.
525
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,172
I think they're
very excited about paying
their respects this way.
526
00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:24,188
I've got to make sure
that YouTube comes down
to tape this.
527
00:25:28,827 --> 00:25:30,351
May I have your attention,
please? Sign in.
528
00:25:30,428 --> 00:25:33,693
Sign in on the sign-in sheet,
the clipboard.
529
00:25:33,765 --> 00:25:34,789
This meeting is mandatory,
530
00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:37,835
if you do not sign in,
your name will not be counted.
531
00:25:37,903 --> 00:25:39,165
Thank you.
532
00:25:39,237 --> 00:25:41,637
Hey, this is
your apology letter.
533
00:25:42,941 --> 00:25:44,499
It was the last signature
I needed.
534
00:25:44,943 --> 00:25:46,035
(CLAPPING)
535
00:25:46,111 --> 00:25:47,271
(WHOOPING)
536
00:25:47,345 --> 00:25:49,404
Welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome, welcome!
537
00:25:49,481 --> 00:25:51,142
You are all jerks.
538
00:25:52,484 --> 00:25:54,975
Just kidding.
Not yet, anyway.
539
00:25:55,053 --> 00:25:58,022
Welcome to the roast
of Mr. Michael Scott.
540
00:25:58,089 --> 00:26:00,023
If you are here for
the Grabowski wedding,
541
00:26:00,091 --> 00:26:02,753
it is the second door
on the left.
542
00:26:03,094 --> 00:26:04,959
So, we all know
how these work.
543
00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:08,022
It needs to get crazy.
Take your best shot.
544
00:26:08,099 --> 00:26:10,158
I'm going to sit
right over chair.
545
00:26:10,835 --> 00:26:15,738
And whoever wants to come up
and roast me, you may. Okay.
546
00:26:18,243 --> 00:26:20,473
Lower the mike
for the midget.
547
00:26:22,614 --> 00:26:25,378
If you ever wondered
whether you were
Michael Scott,
548
00:26:25,450 --> 00:26:27,714
here's a quiz to help.
549
00:26:27,786 --> 00:26:31,847
If you ever put
sun block on a window,
you might be Michael Scott.
550
00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:33,419
(ALL LAUGH)
551
00:26:34,025 --> 00:26:36,926
I normally don't enjoy
making people laugh.
552
00:26:38,330 --> 00:26:40,355
If you ever called
the fire department
553
00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:43,424
because your head was
stuck in your chair,
you might be...
554
00:26:43,535 --> 00:26:45,059
ALL: Michael Scott.
555
00:26:45,170 --> 00:26:46,364
(LAUGHING)
556
00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:47,564
(CLAPPING)
557
00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:50,397
Hey, hey.
558
00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:53,000
I don't go make burgers
where you work
559
00:26:53,078 --> 00:26:55,137
and then tell you
how to make burgers.
560
00:26:56,581 --> 00:26:59,175
I have made a list of people
that I would make out with
561
00:26:59,250 --> 00:27:01,582
before I would make out
with Michael Scott.
562
00:27:01,653 --> 00:27:05,589
A turtle, a fridge,
anybody from the warehouse.
563
00:27:05,657 --> 00:27:06,646
(WHOOPING)
Yeah!
564
00:27:06,725 --> 00:27:12,425
A wood chipper, Kevin,
a candle and Lord Voldemort.
565
00:27:12,497 --> 00:27:13,759
Anyway,
happy birthday, Michael.
566
00:27:13,832 --> 00:27:14,856
Yeah.
567
00:27:14,933 --> 00:27:17,527
(CLAPPING)
You'd be so lucky. Good one.
568
00:27:17,936 --> 00:27:21,804
Michael,
you ran over me
with your car.
569
00:27:21,940 --> 00:27:23,373
(HITS DRUMS)
570
00:27:24,009 --> 00:27:28,070
You posted a picture
of my bare boobs
on the bulletin board
571
00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:30,341
with a caption
that said, "Gross."
572
00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:31,439
Well...
573
00:27:31,516 --> 00:27:34,576
Michael, you are
the reason I drink.
574
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:37,178
You are the reason
I live to forget.
575
00:27:40,225 --> 00:27:41,351
(IMITATES GUNSHOTS)
576
00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:45,960
(YELLING IN SPANISH)
577
00:27:46,765 --> 00:27:50,462
No, no, friends only.
Friends only!
578
00:27:52,971 --> 00:27:55,166
Several times a day,
Michael says words
579
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,538
that are way
beyond my vocabulary.
580
00:27:57,609 --> 00:27:58,701
I know where
this is going.
581
00:27:58,777 --> 00:27:59,801
Do you?
No.
582
00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:01,641
Okay.
Remember spider face?
583
00:28:01,713 --> 00:28:02,737
No.
584
00:28:02,814 --> 00:28:04,111
Okay, because
the quote was,
585
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,275
"Cut off your nose
to spider face."
586
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:07,340
Spider... Okay.
587
00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:08,443
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
588
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,078
Yeah, yeah.
589
00:28:11,056 --> 00:28:12,250
How dare you all
attack him like this?
590
00:28:12,323 --> 00:28:13,381
No, stop it.
591
00:28:13,458 --> 00:28:15,449
Michael is
your superior, okay?
Dwight. No, no, no, no.
592
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:17,358
You should be bowing
down in front of him.
593
00:28:17,429 --> 00:28:18,691
Hey, hey. Right now. Okay?
594
00:28:18,763 --> 00:28:20,230
They don't understand
who they have.
That is the way
595
00:28:20,298 --> 00:28:21,925
you're supposed
to do it, idiot.
You're interrupting me.
596
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,865
I'm trying to get your back.
I'm trying to...
Idiot, idiot.
597
00:28:23,935 --> 00:28:25,630
Idiot.
Are you calling me
an idiot?
598
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:27,433
Don't you ever
talk to me that way,
599
00:28:27,505 --> 00:28:29,370
you pathetic
short little man.
600
00:28:29,441 --> 00:28:32,808
You don't have any friends
or any family or any land!
601
00:28:35,113 --> 00:28:37,047
Yeah!
MAN: Yeah!
602
00:28:37,115 --> 00:28:38,275
(ALL APPLAUDING)
603
00:28:38,349 --> 00:28:40,146
Well, I just want to
take a minute to
talk to you all
604
00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:41,742
about something
very serious.
605
00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:45,950
Once every hour,
someone is involved
in an Internet scam.
606
00:28:46,858 --> 00:28:48,291
That man is
Michael Scott.
607
00:28:48,359 --> 00:28:49,417
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
608
00:28:49,494 --> 00:28:51,587
He's supporting about
20 Nigerian princesses.
609
00:28:51,663 --> 00:28:55,599
Hey, you know what?
Forgive me for caring, right?
610
00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:59,494
Well, you know,
Michael is
a great delegator.
611
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:01,436
He never does
any work himself, ever.
612
00:29:03,808 --> 00:29:08,438
And one time
I walked in on him naked
and his thing is so small.
613
00:29:08,513 --> 00:29:09,537
(ALL WHOOPING)
614
00:29:09,614 --> 00:29:11,309
KEVIN: How small is it?
615
00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:13,407
If it were an iPod,
it would be a shuffle.
616
00:29:13,485 --> 00:29:14,679
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
617
00:29:15,286 --> 00:29:17,254
All right, can I make
just a little announcement?
618
00:29:17,322 --> 00:29:20,485
In a professional roast,
usually the roaster
619
00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:23,618
will say something nice
about the roastee
after they're done.
620
00:29:23,695 --> 00:29:28,029
Something about
how much they love them,
so just keep that in mind.
621
00:29:28,099 --> 00:29:29,964
Mike claims
we're all a family.
622
00:29:30,034 --> 00:29:31,501
You know what...
We are.
We are a family.
623
00:29:31,569 --> 00:29:35,027
Okay, so, what's his name?
624
00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:36,471
All the way in
the back there.
625
00:29:36,541 --> 00:29:38,168
Oh, very funny.
626
00:29:38,243 --> 00:29:39,608
What's his name?
627
00:29:39,677 --> 00:29:40,666
Uh...
628
00:29:40,745 --> 00:29:41,837
(CHUCKLES)
629
00:29:41,913 --> 00:29:43,676
I'm thinking Roy.
630
00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:46,410
Roy left years ago.
What's his name?
631
00:29:46,484 --> 00:29:48,452
I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.
632
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:50,385
Michael, I gave you
a ride home last week
633
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:52,889
and we spent
an hour in traffic.
634
00:29:52,957 --> 00:29:54,857
What's his name?
Jefferson.
635
00:29:54,926 --> 00:29:57,690
Nope. His name is Michael.
636
00:30:02,867 --> 00:30:04,926
(PLAYING UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
637
00:30:06,204 --> 00:30:07,535
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG)
638
00:30:07,605 --> 00:30:10,369
(SINGING)
What I hate about you
639
00:30:10,441 --> 00:30:12,306
You really suck as a boss
640
00:30:14,279 --> 00:30:18,340
You're the laziest, jerkiest
And you're dumber
than an apple sauce
641
00:30:20,385 --> 00:30:22,945
We're stuck
listening to you all day
642
00:30:23,021 --> 00:30:25,717
Stanley tried to die
just to get away
643
00:30:25,790 --> 00:30:27,314
Well, it's true
644
00:30:27,959 --> 00:30:30,086
That's what I hate about you
645
00:30:30,895 --> 00:30:33,022
That's what I hate about you
646
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:36,989
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
647
00:30:37,068 --> 00:30:39,059
(AND Y VOCALIZING)
648
00:30:42,807 --> 00:30:43,899
Yeah!
649
00:30:46,077 --> 00:30:51,640
And now a man who
deserves no introduction,
Michael Scott.
650
00:30:52,283 --> 00:30:53,944
(SCATTERED BOOING)
651
00:30:55,253 --> 00:30:58,950
Thank you very much.
Thank you. That was great.
652
00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:01,218
Great job, some great laughs.
653
00:31:02,627 --> 00:31:06,791
Really, really went after
my intelligence there.
654
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:08,855
(CLEARS THRO AT)
655
00:31:08,933 --> 00:31:12,300
Dozens of online IQ tests
might prove you wrong, but...
656
00:31:13,805 --> 00:31:19,641
And my thing isn't tiny,
it's average,
so get your facts straight.
657
00:31:21,412 --> 00:31:22,936
(CLEARS THRO AT)
658
00:31:23,014 --> 00:31:28,213
So when I heard that
there was going to be a roast
in my honor, I thought...
659
00:31:28,353 --> 00:31:29,377
(GRUNTS)
660
00:31:29,454 --> 00:31:32,548
Sorry. I think I have
a frog in my throat.
661
00:31:32,957 --> 00:31:33,946
Um...
662
00:31:36,427 --> 00:31:37,519
(SIGHS)
663
00:31:37,595 --> 00:31:41,531
I decided to jot down
some quick thoughts
about you people.
664
00:31:42,834 --> 00:31:43,823
Um...
665
00:31:46,471 --> 00:31:49,235
First up, Phyllis and Kevin.
666
00:31:50,508 --> 00:31:51,839
Um...
667
00:31:53,011 --> 00:31:54,911
(SIGHING)
668
00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:17,260
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
669
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,200
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
670
00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:22,296
I'm sorry, Michael's
not here right now.
671
00:32:22,373 --> 00:32:24,068
Can I take a message?
672
00:32:25,510 --> 00:32:27,375
Great. I will. Thanks.
673
00:32:31,883 --> 00:32:34,613
It's very unusual for Michael
not to show up to work.
674
00:32:34,686 --> 00:32:36,847
My guess,
he's either deeply depressed
675
00:32:36,921 --> 00:32:40,948
or an icicle has
snapped off his roof
and impaled his brain.
676
00:32:41,025 --> 00:32:44,256
He has this terrible habit
of standing directly
underneath them
677
00:32:44,329 --> 00:32:45,557
and staring up at them.
678
00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:47,655
And I always say,
"Michael, take two steps back
679
00:32:47,732 --> 00:32:49,461
"and stare at the icicle
from the side."
680
00:32:49,534 --> 00:32:51,263
And he's like,
"No, I like the way they look
681
00:32:51,336 --> 00:32:54,567
"from standing
directly underneath them."
682
00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:56,834
It was only a matter of time.
683
00:32:57,108 --> 00:32:59,440
Michael is so dumb
684
00:32:59,510 --> 00:33:03,674
that he tries to
put his M&M's
in alphabetical order.
685
00:33:03,748 --> 00:33:04,737
(LAUGHS)
686
00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:07,512
All right, Kevin,
enough with
the Michael jokes.
687
00:33:07,585 --> 00:33:09,018
I think he got it
bad enough yesterday.
688
00:33:09,087 --> 00:33:10,384
I'm almost done.
689
00:33:10,455 --> 00:33:12,650
That reeks
and I'm trying to eat.
690
00:33:12,724 --> 00:33:15,022
Attention, everyone,
I've just got
a text from Michael.
691
00:33:15,093 --> 00:33:17,527
He says "personnel day."
Are we hiring?
692
00:33:17,595 --> 00:33:19,256
Yeah. You're being replaced.
693
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:21,059
I think he meant
personal day.
694
00:33:21,132 --> 00:33:22,394
I don't know.
That's quite a leap, Pam.
695
00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:24,401
I hope he's okay.
I feel bad.
696
00:33:24,469 --> 00:33:26,460
Give it up. He's dead.
697
00:33:26,537 --> 00:33:27,868
He just sent a text.
698
00:33:28,473 --> 00:33:29,963
What's a text?
699
00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:42,050
(CAWING)
700
00:33:50,495 --> 00:33:53,623
You know, sometimes
to get perspective,
701
00:33:54,766 --> 00:33:58,600
I like to think about
a spaceman on a star
incredibly far away,
702
00:33:59,771 --> 00:34:01,830
and our problems don't
matter to him
703
00:34:01,906 --> 00:34:04,636
because we're just
a distant point of light.
704
00:34:06,010 --> 00:34:08,001
But he feels sorry for me
705
00:34:08,746 --> 00:34:11,214
because he has
an incredibly
powerful microscope
706
00:34:11,282 --> 00:34:13,182
and he can see my face.
707
00:34:16,521 --> 00:34:17,886
I'm okay.
708
00:34:20,591 --> 00:34:21,990
No, I'm not.
709
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:24,021
Phyllis, there's
a package for you.
710
00:34:24,095 --> 00:34:25,289
Oh.
711
00:34:27,098 --> 00:34:28,725
Sign here.
Okay.
712
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:33,863
What?
713
00:34:39,510 --> 00:34:40,704
Got it!
714
00:34:44,282 --> 00:34:46,978
Sam, Sam, Sam.
715
00:34:47,652 --> 00:34:50,621
It's not that you
dumped my granddaughter,
716
00:34:50,688 --> 00:34:54,590
and it's not that
you want children,
it's that you lied to me.
717
00:34:54,659 --> 00:34:57,253
Can't you see that?
Can't you see?
718
00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:00,128
I can never trust you.
719
00:35:00,198 --> 00:35:04,157
Lily, no. Lily.
Lily, please.
720
00:35:05,503 --> 00:35:06,868
Lily, stop!
721
00:35:08,739 --> 00:35:12,402
I don't care how
much time we have left.
722
00:35:12,477 --> 00:35:14,604
I don't care
what my friends say.
723
00:35:15,146 --> 00:35:17,842
And I don't care
what your mom thinks.
724
00:35:17,915 --> 00:35:21,214
Frankly, I'm pretty sure
she's not making any sense.
725
00:35:22,587 --> 00:35:26,023
Please, move back
to my apartment.
726
00:35:26,491 --> 00:35:28,083
(RESTRAINED SOB)
727
00:35:33,698 --> 00:35:39,933
Lily, I'm not giving up.
I'm not giving up.
728
00:35:41,706 --> 00:35:46,609
Lily, Lily!
Push the reverse button!
729
00:35:47,445 --> 00:35:49,174
Reverse the button!
730
00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:52,908
(SOBBING)
731
00:35:53,851 --> 00:35:55,341
(ANDY SOBBING)
732
00:35:57,188 --> 00:36:00,555
Sam. Sam.
733
00:36:02,059 --> 00:36:03,651
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
734
00:36:07,398 --> 00:36:11,129
Hey, Dad.
No, I know.
Mom told me.
735
00:36:15,706 --> 00:36:18,539
Okay. Yeah,
I'll see you then.
736
00:36:40,631 --> 00:36:44,499
So what did he say?
Was it my fault?
737
00:36:46,003 --> 00:36:47,197
Yeah.
738
00:36:50,141 --> 00:36:53,201
He said that you told him
how much you love me,
739
00:36:54,345 --> 00:36:57,280
about how you feel
when I walk in a room
740
00:36:57,348 --> 00:37:00,977
and about how
you've never doubted
for a second
741
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:05,011
that I'm the woman
you want to spend
the rest of your life with.
742
00:37:06,524 --> 00:37:10,324
I guess he's never
felt that with my mom,
even at their best.
743
00:37:11,162 --> 00:37:13,027
You okay?
744
00:37:13,097 --> 00:37:14,257
Yeah.
745
00:37:14,632 --> 00:37:15,758
(SNIFFLING)
746
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:20,435
When you're a kid,
you assume your
parents are soul mates.
747
00:37:20,504 --> 00:37:23,132
My kids are gonna
be right about that.
748
00:37:24,141 --> 00:37:25,438
I guess it also means
749
00:37:25,509 --> 00:37:29,775
that sometimes
love affairs look different
to the people inside them.
750
00:37:33,818 --> 00:37:36,878
I'm not insightful enough
to be a movie critic.
751
00:37:37,388 --> 00:37:39,879
Maybe I could be
a food critic.
752
00:37:39,957 --> 00:37:41,948
These muffins taste bad.
753
00:37:42,693 --> 00:37:46,220
Or an art critic.
That painting is bad.
754
00:37:48,132 --> 00:37:49,360
(DOOR OPENS)
755
00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:52,766
Michael, it's
really good to see you.
756
00:37:53,571 --> 00:37:56,438
Hey, why are you
wearing a turtleneck?
757
00:37:56,507 --> 00:37:57,531
You all right?
758
00:37:57,608 --> 00:37:59,439
Michael, I feel I was
a little harsh yesterday.
759
00:37:59,510 --> 00:38:01,478
Yeah.
JIM: Yeah,
we're really sorry.
760
00:38:01,545 --> 00:38:05,641
I spent the afternoon
in the park trying
to feed the pigeons.
761
00:38:06,684 --> 00:38:09,778
I guess they all flew
west for the winter.
762
00:38:09,854 --> 00:38:14,086
And I just had some thoughts
that I wanted to share
with you people.
763
00:38:14,158 --> 00:38:15,523
What?
Well, I wrote them down
764
00:38:15,593 --> 00:38:16,992
so I wouldn't forget.
765
00:38:17,895 --> 00:38:18,987
(CLEARS THROAT)
766
00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:23,332
Jim, you're 6'11"
and you weigh 90 pounds.
767
00:38:23,401 --> 00:38:25,335
Gumby has
a better body than you.
768
00:38:25,403 --> 00:38:27,030
Boom. Roasted.
769
00:38:27,104 --> 00:38:29,129
Dwight, you're a kiss-ass.
Boom. Roasted.
770
00:38:29,206 --> 00:38:32,004
Pam, you failed art school.
Boom. Roasted.
771
00:38:32,076 --> 00:38:34,567
Meredith, you've slept
with so many guys
772
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:36,112
you're starting
to look like one.
773
00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:37,204
Boom. Roasted.
774
00:38:37,281 --> 00:38:39,340
Kevin, I can't decide
between a fat joke
775
00:38:39,417 --> 00:38:40,884
and a dumb joke.
Boom. Roasted.
776
00:38:40,951 --> 00:38:43,920
Creed, your teeth called,
your breath stinks.
Boom. Roasted.
777
00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:45,922
Angela, where's Angela?
778
00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:47,014
Well, there you are.
779
00:38:47,091 --> 00:38:50,754
I didn't see you
behind that grain of rice.
Boom. Roasted.
780
00:38:50,828 --> 00:38:53,296
Stanley, you crush
your wife during sex
781
00:38:53,364 --> 00:38:55,025
and your heart sucks.
Boom. Roasted.
782
00:38:55,099 --> 00:38:56,088
(LAUGHING)
783
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:57,998
MICHAEL: Oscar, you are...
784
00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:01,031
(MICHAEL LAUGHS)
785
00:39:01,672 --> 00:39:04,664
Oscar, you're gay.
786
00:39:04,742 --> 00:39:05,766
Wow.
787
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:10,439
Andy, Cornell called,
they think you suck
and you're gayer than Oscar.
788
00:39:11,282 --> 00:39:12,271
Boom. Roasted.
789
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:13,510
KEVIN: Boom. Roasted.
790
00:39:13,617 --> 00:39:14,777
(LAUGHING HEARTILY)
791
00:39:18,556 --> 00:39:19,818
(LAUGHS)
792
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:26,126
All right.
All right, everybody.
You know I kid.
793
00:39:27,965 --> 00:39:29,523
You know I kid.
794
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:33,434
You guys are the reason
that I went into
the paper business.
795
00:39:33,504 --> 00:39:37,668
So, good night, God bless.
God bless America.
796
00:39:37,742 --> 00:39:39,266
And get home safe.
797
00:39:39,343 --> 00:39:40,401
Yeah.
798
00:39:43,013 --> 00:39:45,174
They say that laughter
is the best medicine,
799
00:39:45,249 --> 00:39:48,480
so, Stanley, you can
throw away those pills.
800
00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:50,042
You are cured.
801
00:39:51,522 --> 00:39:54,787
Actually, better hold on
to the pills, just in case.
802
00:40:03,267 --> 00:40:04,757
(LILY MOANING)
59014
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