All language subtitles for The Office - 5x13 - Stress Relief.HDTV.2HD.en

Last week I gave a fire safety talk.

And nobody paid any attention.

It's my own fault
for using Powerpoint.

Powerpoint is boring.

People learn
in lots of different ways,

but experience

is the best teacher.

Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

Does anyone smell anything smoky?

Did you bring your jerky in again?

Oh, my god!

Fire!

Fire! My goodness.
What's the procedure?

- What do we do, people?
- The phones are dead.

- How did that happen?
- It's out in the hall.

We don't know. Smoke
could come through an air duct.

My god! OK, it's happening.

Everybody stay calm.
What's the procedure, everyone?

- What's the procedure? Stay calm!
- Wait, wait!

Everybody, now calm down!

Touch the handle. If it's hot,
there could be a fire in the hallway.

What does warm mean?

Not a viable option.

- What next?
- Don't run!

Here's a door. Check that one out.

- How's the handle?
- It's warm.

Well... another option.

Back to our options, jeez!

Settle down. No bunching.

- I forgot my purse.
- Leave it!

Get out of the way!

Things can be replaced, Phyllis.
People, human lives... However, can...

My hand! That's hot!

This one's hot, too!

We're trapped.
Everyone for himself!

Let's go!

- Out of my way!
- Let's go! Get out of my way.

- Calm, please.
- Get out of the way!

Have you ever seen a burn victim?

- Move it!
- Procedure, procedure!

Exit options.
Where do we go, folks?

Use a what to cover the mouth?

A what?
A rag.

A damp rag, perhaps.

Just remember those procedures.

What are the options?

That's a wrong way.
We've already tried that.

Remember your exit points.

Exit points, people. What's next?

Stay alive, I'm getting help!

- Pull me up!
- Too heavy!

I only weigh 82 pounds.

Save bandit!

How about 911?

Anyone? 911.

What do we do?

Use surge of fear and adrenaline
to sharpen your decision-making.

I am not dying here. Come on.

- What is that? What is that?
- The fire's shooting at us!

What in the name of god is going on?

Battering ram.

Help!

I'm about to die!

Attention!

Employees of Dunder Mifflin.

This has been a test
of our emergency preparedness.

There is no fire.
It was only a simulation.

What?

Fire not real.
This was merely a training exercise.

So, what have we learned?

Come on. It's not real, Stanley.
Don't have a heart attack.

No! You will not die.

- You will not die.
- Call 911.

Barack is president!

You are black!

- I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth.
- Don't give him for this.

He's gonna swallow his tongue.

Open your mouth!
Don't swallow it.

- You're choking him!
- I'm fine, leave me alone!

Leave him alone!

I'm saving him!

Subtitles:
- Feygnasse Team -

Synch: Jarick & Collioure
Proofreading: So. & Valpi

Episode 5x13
"Stress Relief"

How could you possibly think
this is a good idea?

A lot of ideas were not
appreciated in their time.

- Electricity.
- Shampoo.

You could have burned
the whole building.

I just wanna say for the record,
I did not kill anyone.

Stanley was attacked
by his own heart.

He should be released from the hospital
and back in the office in a couple days.

Did you shout, "fire!",
causing a panic?

Yes, I shouted, "fire!"

I shouted many things.

I also shouted instructions
on how to get out of the building,

so you can imagine my frustration
as safety officer

when nobody would heed of what...

- heeded... heeded of...
- Hed. Hedded.

- When no one hedded...
- Take hedded of.

No one would take
"hedded" of my instructions.

- Heed. Take heed of.
- So you...

- And I don't see my coworkers...
- Take heed of.

heeding this right now.

What?

This city...

We aren't mad,
we're just disappointed.

No, we are mad.

Yes. We are.

We are livid.

But we're going
to let this one slide.

- Thank you.
- We're not!

I'm not a mind-reader, David.

Look, this is
a very serious offense.

We have cause to fire you.

Can you shove down?

Instead...

Shove down, please.

Instead, what I think we should do

is strip you of your title
as safety officer.

And we should take
a part of his pay

and donate it
to the charity of your choice.

- Something that Dwight doesn't like.
- PETA.

Michael, you have to take
responsibility here.

One of your employees
had a heart attack.

He could have died because of the way
you're allowing your office to run.

- Do you want that on your conscience?
- Do you?

- You talking to me?
- Yeah.

What?

Well...

I guess we papered over that
pretty nicely.

It amuses me when corporate thinks
they can make big change

with a 20 min meeting
in some fancy high-rise.

What's the matter?
You hungry?

No, Dwight, I'm worried.

A man's life is in my hands.

Don't you worry about that.
I got it covered.

I am planning a bomb scare. That should
really get the blood pumping.

That's not gonna happen.

I'm taking over as safety man.

- What? You? Come on.
- Yes.

- I'm smart. I'll figure it out.
- That's preposterous.

I will.

Nobody should have
to go to work thinking,

"This is the place
that I might die today."

That's what a hospital is for.

An office...

is for not dying.

An office is a place to...

live life to the fullest,

to the max, to...

An office is a place

where dreams come true.

Don't excite him.

Don't make him excitable.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

It's true.

Around this office, in the past,

I've been a little
abrupt with people.

Not maybe. Yes or no.

No way.

Are you from another planet?

Have you lost your mind?
Cause I'll help you find it.

Did I stutter?
I'm done. Good-bye.

But the doctor said
if I can't find a new way

to relate more positively
to my surroundings,

i'm going to die.

A throne for your highness.

I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.

No, no debate. You're going
to sit in that wheelchair

until you're back on your feet.

I'm going to die.

A, b, c... OK?

And that stands for airway,
breathing, and circulation.

You know what?
That could be a little confusing

because in sales, a, b, c
means "always be closing."

This is a farce. I should be
teaching this course.

Shut it.

We found ourselves
on the less-prepared side of things

when Stanley had his...

When his heart went berserk.

And I knew exactly what to do,

but in a much more real sense,

I had no idea what to do.

So I thought we should have
a CPR training class.

And of course you can't get
the practice dummy

unless the instructor
comes along with it.

Red cross, you know, racket.

I can't keep doing this forever.

It's been 20 seconds.

Call it.

Would you like to try next?

Absolutely I would not.

You know,
who I really think should go?

Stanley.

I don't know.

It's not a good idea.
He needs to rest.

No rest for the sick.

We are not always going to be there

to coddle your heart back

when it disappears to be working.

What are you gonna do if you're
by yourself and your heart stops?

I would die.

And you're OK with that?

I'm OK with the logic of it.

Come on. Get up. Let's do this.

Yes, I had a heart attack.

I would quit, but I'm too old
to find another job.

And I don't have
enough saved to retire.

I feel like I'm working
at my own casket.

Come on! You're losing you.

You're losing you. Do it!

This is you we're talking about.

OK. I'll show them.

Here we go.

All right.

So assessing the situation,
are they breathing?

No, Rose.

They are not breathing.

And they have no arms or legs.

- That's not part of it.
- Where are they?

You know what? If we come across
somebody with no arms or legs,

do we bother resuscitating them?

What kind of quality of life
do we have there?

- I would wanna live with no legs.
- How about no arms?

No arms or legs is basically
how you exist right now.

You don't do anything.

All right, let's get back to it,
cause you're losing him.

Too fast.

Everyone, we need to pump at a pace
of 100 beats per minute.

That's hard to keep track.
How many is that per hour?

- How's that gonna help you?
- I'll divide and count to it.

Right.

A good trick is to pump to the tune
of Staying Alive by the Bee Gees.

- Do you know that song?
- Yes, I do. I love that song.

No, it's...

You were in the parking lot earlier.
That's how I know you.

You didn't maintain
100 beats per minute,

and ambulance didn't arrive
cause nobody called 911.

- So you lost him.
- OK. He's dead.

Anyone know what we do next?
Anybody? Rose?

- No idea.
- Anyone else?

- Bury him.
- Wrong!

Check for organ donor card.

If he has one,
we only have min to harvest.

No wallet. I checked.

- He's an organ donor.
- He is?

Give me some ice
and a styrofoam bucket.

Here we go.

My god!

What are you doing?!

We search for the organs.
Where's the heart? The precious heart.

I'm not feeling well.
I need to sit down.

Are you OK?

Oh, my god!

Daddy?

My god!

Can you tell me why you had to
cut the face off the dummy?

I didn't think it was
very realistic in the movie,

and it turns out,
it's pretty realistic.

We had to pay for it.
Cost us $3,500.

$5,300 for a dummy?

Look.

This is why...

we have training.

We start with the dummy,

and learn from our mistakes.

And now Dwight knows

not to cut the face off
of a real person.

Hope you brought your appetitos,
my lady, my tuna.

A little movie popcorn.

Damn it.

This movie, a lot of buzz.

Not coming out for another 6 months.

Mrs. Albert Hannaday.

Friendship with the nerd dog
has its privileges.

We don't normally
download films illegally.

Cause we're honest,
hard-working people.

And we don't know how.

But Andy does, so we have
to watch it with him.

Punishment fits the crime.

And I want you to meet my nana.

Nana?

This...

is Sam.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hannaday.

Please... Call me "Lily."

Let's play bridge.

You can be my partner.

All right...

Lily.

What's going on?

No one really knows,
but Pam's parents

are going through a bit of a rough patch
in their marriage.

My dad spent the night
at our place last night.

My parents have been
fighting for weeks and...

it kinda sucks.

Jim's been great.

But I'm gonna need
to buy my dad a robe.

He's not saying
what he needs to say.

Who? Jack Black?

I mean, they just need
to communicate, you know?

If they said to each other what they're
saying to everyone else, then...

Jim and Pam

are, like, movie geniuses.

They're catching things
that are totally going over my head.

Hi, everyone.

Corporate has given Dwight...
two strikes.

They are very, very upset with him.

So...

as a disciplinary measure,

he is going to have to issue

a formal apology.

Have you prepared

your statement of regret?

- I have.
- Let's hear it.

"I state my regret."

- You couldn't have memorized that?
- I could not because I did not feel it.

OK, everyone. I am going to need you
to sign this statement of regret

as an acknowledgment
that you heard it.

OK? Everyone come on up here.
It's not a big deal.

It is a big deal.
You almost killed Stanley.

Right. I filled him full
of butter and sugar for 50 years

and forced him not to exercise.

Now, take a lesson from Stanley
and jog on up here and sign this.

Make a line.

Just form a line right here.

Sign it!

Sign it now!

Hi, dad.

Yeah, Jim has shaving cream.
Check our bathroom.

Lily?

I'm in here.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

Realize you were in the bath.

Do you want me to go?

I want you to stay.

Give me a break.

I know it, man.

You know, Lily was supposed
to be Nicole Kidman.

And it was gonna be Sophie's mom,
not grandmother.

But then Nicole Kidman dropped out
so they went with Cloris Leachman

with a small rewrite.

Get that in there.

Put it around me.

- Yeah.
- Get that done already.

I know, but if I get it deeper...

What is...

He was pretty talkative
at breakfast.

Wha... brea...

Breakfast?

You mean when they were eating soup?

I don't think that was breakfast.

Unless soup... does soup
symbolize breakfast?

So he doesn't share with his daughter,
but shares with his daughter's fiance?

OK, you guys... They're making out.

Did my dad say anything
about my mom?

Nope.

We mostly just talked about cereal.

What?

I don't know.

I mean, maybe he'll talk to you
about some of this stuff

cause he can't really
talk to me about it.

You're good to talk to.

I'm OK.

I'm not... great.

And...

Everybody sit on the floor,
indian-style, like me.

Om... my god,

if you're wearing a dress,
please keep your knees together.

Nobody wants to see that.

My goal is to make this office

as peaceful a place
for Stanley Hudson as I can.

And I think sounds
have a lot to do with that.

Here are some downloaded
peaceful sounds.

That one makes me think...

of death.

That's kind of nice.

It is...

a beautiful,

sunny day

as we walk

through the meadow.

It is very...

spiritual

and relaxing, and there are flowers,

and it is sunny and beautiful.

Now, up ahead,

a castle in the distance.

- Don't open your eyes.
- What?

And you walk up

toward the castle,

and inside the castle

are...

four

men.

And each of them...

None of them have shoes.

And they give you a funny cigarette,

and you feel even more relaxed.

And then you want ice cream.

You want a big bowl of ice cream.

So what kind do you want?
Yell it out.

- Chunky monkey.
- Too expensive.

- Chocolate.
- Racism is dead.

You can have any kind
of ice cream you want.

What do you want?

What is that? People.

I told you to get rid
of the cell phones.

It's my biofeedback machine.

What is that? Like a video game?

It alerts me
when my stress level goes up

so I can try to calm down.

You have stress?

During our relaxation exercise?

- Let me get you some water.
- No, I'll help you.

Here we go.

- Let me get you up.
- Would you step back? Please.

A little further.

I think that thing is on the fritz.

Would you reach over
and touch his thing?

That's what he said. Right, guys?

'Cause of gay.

Let's give this a shot.

I think you're
what's stressing everybody out.

So it wasn't Dwight after all.

Looks like I am the killer.

You never expect
that you're the killer. It's a...

great twist.

Great twist.

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

Hey, Mom.

What did Dad say?

What did you say to my dad?

- What?
- After you talked, he called my mom

and said he was gonna look
for an apartment.

Pam, I don't know.

Nothing.

Truly, nothing.
I just was honest with him and I...

I'm so sorry, I don't know.

I'll call him again.

50% of marriages end in divorce.

So...

it was her parents or my parents.

What could Jim have said
to make my dad want to leave my mom?

And at what point in our marriage
is he gonna say it to me?

I don't get it.

Do I stress you out?

Nothing stresses me out.

Except having to seek
the approval of my inferiors.

Speaking of which...

Remember
when people used to say "boss"

when they were describing
something that was really cool?

Like...

"Those shoulder pads
are really boss, man."

"Look at that perm.
That perm is so boss."

It's what made me want
to become a boss.

And I looked so good
in a perm and shoulder pads.

But now, boss is just...

slang for...

"jerk in charge."

OK, everybody. I figured it out.

The reason

that you are all so stressed around me
is that you are too intimidated

to tell me what you really think.

You are keeping these feelings inside,
and that is causing stress.

So, what is a solution?

Solution is honesty,

laughter, and comedy. In short...

Vacation.

What? No.

I am talking about a roast!

Of Michael Scott.

Come on! Who here has
the Comedy Central roast channel?

You've seen it, right?
Everybody gets together,

and you start hurling insults
at the one guy,

and everybody's laughing,
and everybody is hugging each other.

Are you serious?
You really want us to roast you?

- Si, se�or.
- That's offensive.

It's not!
It's not offensive during a roast.

Anything goes and I want you guys
to really get cracking on this.

I want you to take me down.
Don't hold back.

I want you to really

make fun of anything about me.
It could be my race,

could be the fact that I'm so fit,
or I'm a womanizer.

Fair game. Whatever.

I don't want to write
your stuff for you.

But I just want it to be good.

I consider myself a good person.

But I'm gonna try to make him cry.

I can already feel
people's stress starting to melt.

I think they're very excited
about paying their respects this way.

I have got to make sure

that YouTube comes down
to tape this.

May I have your attention?

Sign in on the sign-in sheet.
The clipboard.

This is mandatory. If you don't sign in,
your name will not be counted.

This is your apology letter.

The last signature I needed.

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

You are all jerks.

Just kidding. Not yet, anyway.

Welcome to the roast
of Mr. Michael Scott.

If you're here for the Gravoski wedding,
it is the second door on the left.

So we all know how these work.
Needs to get crazy.

Take your best shots.

I am going to sit right over "chair"

Whoever wants to come up
and roast me, you may.

Lower the mic for the midget.

If you ever wondered

whether you were Michael Scott,
here's a quiz to help.

If you ever put
sunblock on a window,

you might be Michael Scott.

I normally don't enjoy
making people laugh.

If you ever called
the fire department

cause your head was stuck
in your chair, you might be...

I don't go make burgers
where you work

and then tell you
how to make burgers.

I have made a list of people
that I would make out with

before I would make out
with Michael Scott.

A turtle. A fridge.

Anybody from the warehouse.

A wood chipper.

Kevin.

A candle.

And Lord Voldemort.

Anyway, happy birthday, Michael!

You'd be so lucky!

Good one.

You ran over me with your car.

You posted a picture
of my bare boobs

on the bulletin board
with a caption that said, "gross."

You are the reason I drink.

You are the reason I live to forget.

Friends only.

Several times a day,
Michael says words

words that are way
beyond my vocabulary.

- I know where this is going.
- Do you?

Remember "spider face"?

'Cause the quote was,
"cut off your nose to spider face."

How dare you all
attack him like this?

- Stop it.
- Michael is your superior.

You should be bowing down
in front of him.

OK? They don't understand
who they have.

You're interrupting me.
I am trying to get your back.

Are you calling me an idiot?
Don't you ever talk to me that way.

You pathetic, short little man.

You don't have any friends
or any family or any land.

I just want to take a minute to talk
about something very serious.

Once every hour,

someone is involved
in an Internet scam.

That man is Michael Scott.

He's supporting
about 20 Nigerian princesses.

You know what?

Forgive me for caring, right?

Michael is a great delegator.

He never does any work himself...
ever.

And one time
I walked in on him naked.

And his thing is so small.

How small is it?

If it were an iPod,
it would be a Shuffle.

Can I make
just a little announcement?

In a professional roast, usually

the roaster will say something nice
about the roastee after they're done.

Something about
how much they love them.

So just keep that in mind.

Mike claims

- we're all a family.
- We are! We are a family.

What's his name?
All the way in the back, there.

Very funny.

What's his name?

I'm thinking Roy.

Roy left years ago.
What's his name?

I don't believe
I have had the pleasure.

I gave you a ride home last week
and we spent an hour in traffic.

- What's his name?
- Jefferson.

His name is Michael.

What I hate about you

You really suck as a boss

You're the losiest, jerkiest
And you're dumber than applesauce

We're stuck listening to you all day

Stanley tried to die
just to get away

Well, it's true

That's what I hate about you

That's what I hate about you

And now...

a man who deserves no introduction.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. That was great.

Great job, some great laughs.

Really...

Really went
after my intelligence, there.

Dozens of online I.Q. tests
might prove you wrong...

And my thing isn't...

tiny, it's average, so.

Get your facts straight.

When I heard that there was going
to be a roast in my honor

I thought...

Sorry.

I have a frog in my throat.

I decided to jot down
some quick thoughts about you people.

First up,

Phyllis and Kevin.

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

Sorry, Michael's not here right now.
Can I take a message?

Great. I will. Thanks.

It's very unusual for Michael
not to show up to work.

My guess...
He's either deeply depressed

or an icicle has snapped off his roof
and impaled his brain.

He has this terrible habit
of standing directly underneath them

and staring up at them.
And I always say, "Michael,

"take 2 steps back
and stare at the icicle from the side."

And he's like, "I like the way they look
from standing directly underneath them."

It was only a matter of time.

Michael is so dumb...

that he tries to put his M&Ms

in alphabetical order.

All right, Kevin.

Enough with the Michael jokes.
He got it bad enough yesterday.

- I'm almost done.
- That reeks, and I'm trying to eat.

Attention, everyone.
I've just got a text from Michael.

He says, "personnel day."
Are we hiring?

- You're being replaced.
- I think he meant "personal day."

That's quite a leap.

I hope he's OK. I feel bad.

Give it up. He's dead.

He just send a text.

What's a text?

You know, sometimes...

to get perspective...

I like to think about a spaceman
on a star incredibly far away.

And our problems don't matter to him

because we're just
a distant point of light.

But he feels sorry for me.

Because he has
an incredibly powerful microscope

and he can see my face.

I'm OK.

No, I'm not.

Phyllis, there's a package for you.

Sign here.

Got it.

Sam...

It's not that you dumped
my grand-daughter.

And it's not that you want children.
It's that you lied to me.

Can't you see that?

Can't you see?

- I'll never trust you.
- Lilly, no.

Lilly, please.

Lilly, stop!

I don't care
how much time we have left.

I don't care what my friends say.

I don't care what your mom thinks.

Frankly, I'm pretty sure
she's not making any sense.

Please...

Move back to my appartement.

I'm not giving up.

I'm not giving up.

Push the reverse button!

Reverse the button!

Sam...

Hey, Dad.

No, I know Mom told me.

I'll see you then.

So, what did he say?

Was it my fault?

He said that you told him
how much you loved me.

About how you feel
when I walk in a room.

And about...

how you've never doubted
for a second

that I'm the woman you wanna spend
the rest of your life with.

I guess he has never felt that
with my mom even at their best.

You're OK?

When you're a kid, you assume
your parents are soulmates.

My kids are going to be
right about that.

I guess it also means that,
sometimes,

love affairs look different
to the people inside them.

I'm not insightful enough
to be a movie critic.

Maybe I could be a food critic.

"These muffins taste bad."

Or an art critic.

"That painting is bad."

It's really good to see you.

- Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
- You're all right?

- I feel I was a little harsh yesterday.
- Me too.

We're really sorry.

I spend the afternoon in the park

trying to feed the pigeons.

I guess they all flew West
for the winter.

I just had some thoughts
that I wanted to share with you.

- What?
- I wrote them down.

So I wouldn't forget.

Jim, you're 6'11

and you weight 90 pounds.
Gumby has a better body than you.

Roasted.

Dwight, you're a kiss ass.
Boom. Roasted.

Pam, you failed art school.
Boom. Roasted.

Meredith,

you've slept with so many guys
you're starting to look like one.

Boom. Roasted.
Kevin,

I can't decide between a fat joke
and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted.

Creed, your teeth called:
your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted.

Where is Angela?

There you are. I didn't see you
behind that grain of rice.

Roasted. Stanley,

you crush your wife during sex
and your heart sucks.

Roasted. Oscar,

you are...

You're gay.

Andy, Cornell called,
they think you suck.

And you're gayer than Oscar.

- Boom. Roasted.
- Boom. Roasted.

All right, everybody.
You know I can't.

You know I kid.

You guys are the reason
that I went into the paper business.

Good night. God bless.
God bless America.

And get home safe.

They say that laughter is
the best medecine, so...

Stanley, you can throw away
those pills. You're cured.

Actually, you should...

better hold on the pills,
just in case.

Every Thursday,
they bring their best.

- You think you can pull that off?
- It'd be the performance of a lifetime.

With the moments
that can change lives.

And surprises

that keep us guessing.

This Thursday.

I'm trying to figure out the last time
you and Jim had sex.

The shows you love, almost too much.

- Then I'll put my mouth on his.
- I don't know what that means.

All new comedy night done right.

A blame.
Thursday on NBC.