All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S06E21.en

♪ Jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

What-- what's going on here?

Martin, where you been?

You almost missed
your birthday party.

Your birthday,
that's right, that's right!

I almost forgot
to give you your present.

Here it is,
gift certificate to everywhere.

My birthday
isn't for three weeks.

Gibby thought we were wasting
a lot of time on birthdays.

So today,
we're celebrating all the Junes.

Except for June Eckstein.
Her birthday's in July.

Okay, you June bugs.

Make a wish!

I wish I were 40 years younger.

So the big four-o.

What's the plans?

I'm thinking party, huge party.

Now, Eddie, I really, really
don't want to party, okay?

I'd much rather
spend a nice quiet evening

at home with you
and Judith and Jeremy.

Come on, man, how many
milestones do you have left?

So, you'll turn 50, 60, 70,

and-- and if you make it 80,
you'll have that funny smell,

and no one
will want to be around you.

Well, now I'm in a party mood.

Oh, come on, man, you threw me
a 40th birthday party.

You threw me a bachelor's party.

Look, can you stop
thinking about yourself?

Okay, fine, fine, fine.
You can throw me a party.

Okay, just-- just keep it small.

Great.
Get my hundred bucks back.

- What?
- What?

It's not enough I'm throwing
you a party, you gritty fuck?

What are you--
What are you doing?

That's not the money.

Oh, Ivana Petruski died.

Who?

The founder
of the Key of Dance Theater

we saw at Lincoln Center.

What a loss.

I'll get it.

- Oh, would you get that?
- Uh, yeah.

Hey, buddy,
you want to shoot some hoops?

Jude, think fast.

It's a good thing
I didn't throw it, huh?

- Hello, Eddie.
- Come on, let's go.

No, no, Eddie,
we're just going to hang out,
and have some brunch.

Good, I don't feel
like playing anyway.

I just got my warm-ups
out of the dry cleaners.

Hey, hey, hey.
Great news about the party.

I just rented out the back room

at Hanrahan's on the 23rd.

They're moving the porta-johns
to the alley so we could dance.

Martin,
what is he talking about?

Eddie's throwing me
a birthday party,

didn't I tell you?

No, no, you didn't,
and if you had,

I would have told you
I think it's a very bad idea.

- Especially on the 23rd.
- Why?

Well, because--
Well, that's the weekend

that we move
all the clocks forward,

and-- and, uh, well, that means
one less hour for the party,

and, well, everyone
will be just very disoriented.

What?

Well, because
I'm throwing a party

for you that night,
okay, now you know.

I take it I just want
a popularity contest.

Jude, you shouldn't have.

Especially,
since Eddie already did.

He's just gonna have to
throw your party next year,

because I've already
called Tavern on the Green,

and we're having 40
different kinds of cheese.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

In the first place, Martin
doesn't want to have a party.

And in the second place,
I'm the one that's throwing it.

Right, Martin?
Go ahead and tell her.

I think not, see,
I'm the one who lives with him,

and so I am throwing
the party, right, Martin?

- He's mine!
- No, he's mine!

- He's mine!
- He's mine!

No, no, no, I am not going to
choose between the two of you.

Well, of course not.
Just choose me.

I was here first!

Tough toenails.

Look, there's
only one way to settle this.

That's ten paces,
you will turn and fire.

Compromise, right?
Throw the party together.

Please.

Good. Good. This is good.

First,
we need to decide on a place,

or else no one
will know where to go.

So, uh, where's it going to be?

- Tavern on the Green.
- Hanrahan's.

Okay, okay, well, we've--
we've narrowed it down to two.

Look, Hanrahan's
has sentimental value.

You got your first blowjob
in the parking lot.

Well,
perhaps some of your friends

can give them out
his party favors.

Like the last party
you gave for Martin.

What party?

Oh, have you forgotten?

Because I have pictures.

Now, this is a device
known as the Flashback.

Perfect! Beautiful!

Who'd think that
when I did Martin's bar mitzvah,

he'd end up marrying
such a young Jackie O?

- Daddy, did you find Martin?
- No, sweetheart.

But the wedding isn't scheduled
to start until 1,400 hours.

I'm sure he'll be here.

What if he isn't,
what-- what if he met

someone else on the way,

or what if he got
run over by the D train?

Oh, my God! What if he's dead?

We should be so lucky.

I'm a widow.

Okay, happy thoughts!
Happy thoughts!

Oh, Martin! Martin!
Where have you been?

I was worried sick.

He-- he's okay.
Everything's fine.

You're drunk. Eddie, he's drunk.

No, no, no, no, he's just
really, really hungover.

I begged you
not to have a bachelor party

the night before the wedding,
how could you let this happen?

Actually,
it's a pretty funny story.

So we didn't have
enough money to pay
for the entertainers.

And their agent, uh, Crow Daddy,

was gonna kick our asses,
but I talked him out of it.

And, uh,
that's Crow Daddy over there.

So it would really
smooth things over

if you had $500 I could borrow.

I hate you, Eddie. I hate you!

Now, now, Judith,
boys will be boys.

Okay, now,
everyone in nice and close.

Good, okay, happy thoughts!

Happy thoughts!

Oh, Martin, how could you
let him do this to you? Tell me.

Oh, my God! Mommy!

Conrad, do something!

Pull yourself together, Martin.

You gotta play hurt, boy.

Oh! Jesus! God!

You son of a bitch!

Oh!

Trust me, Judith, in 20 years

you're gonna
laugh all about this.

Judith, it wasn't
entirely Eddie's fault.

Not that it was mine.

So what is the big deal?

You had your dress dry cleaned
in time for the ceremony.

But I still
smelled like throw-up

on the most important
day of my life.

Only faintly.

Jude, look,
the important thing is
that we got married.

Although we did get divorced.

Oh, that's
just great, that's just great.

First, you ruin my wedding day,

and then now you have to
ruin my oriental rug?

Jude, it's not a problem.
Here, a Sulzer.

It's the miracle water,
you know?

And it's good
for ingestion and-- and stains.

Your stupid carpet is nothing
compared to my acting career.

Oh, or did you forget
you tried to ruin that?

What acting career?

My point exactly.

Hugs and Kisses, Judith?

Okay, perfect!

Now film [indistinct] shoot.

One question.

Does an "XO"
stand for Kisses and Hugs,
not Hugs and Kisses?

No, because an Israeli
reads from right to left.

Okay, here we go!

Camera!

- Isn't this exciting?
- Very entertaining.

I think we almost got stuck
with those orchestra seats
for a chorus line.

Okay,
in the set we have quiet now.

Okay, everybody, and action!

Say, my man, mm, mm, mm,

how do you get
all the foxy ladies?

The answer's in my pants.

Yeah, your jeans
are super bad, man.

No, my jeans are excellent.

♪ He's a man
Who gets the misses ♪

♪ Wrap him up
In hugs and kisses ♪

♪ His jeans have the X and O ♪

♪ Put them on, get it on
Get up and go ♪

XO jeans have the fabulous fit

that hugs your waist,
and kisses your boo-tay.

♪ He's got style,
He's got soul ♪

♪ [indistinct] confident ♪

♪ That cat
Makes me lose control ♪

♪ 'Cause his jeans
Are "xolent" ♪

Hey, Martin,
do you actually think

that Eddie's butt looks
a little big in those jeans?

What? I think it's supposed to.

Cut! Cut! Cut! You!

You, in the sassoons!
What did you say?

Uh, nothing, I--
I was just telling my husband

that I thought Eddie's butt
looked a little big
in those jeans.

Yes. Yes, it is the bingo.

Hey, you! Size 32, you're in.

Charles, you are out. Go! Go!

What? What? What?
Was I gyrating too much?

I can take it down.

No, no, you're butt!

She said too big it is looking.

- You said what?
- We'll call you.

Kiddo, what is your name?
I cannot write "kiddo"
on contact.

Washington. Denzel Washington.

If it weren't for you,
I would have been Malcolm X.

Eddie,
she didn't do it on purpose.

And besides,
your butt did look a little big.

Oh! Oh! You wish your butt
looked as good as mine!

That's it.
I cannot talk to you.

Let's just
forget this whole party.

Fine, fine, obviously,
my butt's too big

to go to one of your little
tight-ass parties anyway.

To avoid further bloodshed,
we might arrange terms.

No, wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait. Nobody's going anywhere!

Like it or not, you two are
bound together by circumstance.

Like my parents.

And if they can stay together
for my sake, then so can you.

You should be
ashamed of yourselves.

Okay, now, just come over here,
and take it easy, and sit down,

and work out a guest list.

Sit down!

I'll get us some lemonade.

- Fine.
- Okay.

All right.

You know, you always
had it out for me, didn't you?

It's because
I'm Black, isn't it?

How dare you!

I have ten times
as many Black friends
as you do in the UN alone.

Oh, that's why
you use me as a token Negro

for your psychology project.

Oh, my psychology project?

Thank you.
Thank you for bringing that up.

Joe Frazier
will be on the ground
in the seventh round

because I'm fast and I'm pretty.

And I'm in a hurry,
so let's just get on with this.

Martin, maybe you should
take Jeremy to the park.

No, no, no, that's okay,
I can keep him quiet,

you know, because he
loves his daddy, right?

Say "Daddy."
Say "Daddy," "Daddy.'

Fuck!

Jeremy,
where did you learn that?

Daddy.

Just a dirty
little stool pigeon, ain't he?

Uh, I'll just run him
over to the park.

- Later.
- Yeah.

Okay, now,
before we start recording,

we're just going to
practice with you, okay?

When you see this photograph,
I want you to tell me

the first thing
that comes into your mind.

- Tits.
- Eddie, come on.

Okay, um,
mountains with nipples.

All right.
Let's try another one.

This time I want you
to tell me a story based on

what you think is happening in
this picture, all right?

Okay, that woman there looking
at the doctor is an nymphomaniac

and she's saying,
"I want you to go down on me."

Eddie, please,
you said you'd help me.

Okay, okay. No more joking.

Thank you.

I have to go to the bathroom,
but when I come back,

- we're going to do
this for real.
- Gotcha.

I don't know
how this got on there,
I don't do this kind of thing.

I mean, I do,
but it's not on video, it's--

Oh, God.

Hey, don't blame me.
You should have edited the tape.

It was due that afternoon,

and I thought
I knew what was on it.

It's a miracle I didn't get
thrown out of my program.

You remember
when the three of us
went to Jones Beach,

and I got
stung by that jellyfish?

I mean, that was fun.

You know what your problem is?

You have no sense of humor.

Excuse me,

I have
a wonderful sense of humor.

You know, Marky Post
was in my Girl Scout troop,

and everybody thought
I was the funny one.

True story.

But what you did was not funny.

That was
an open act of hostility.

Oh, you want
to talk about hostility?

I want to talk
about ordering lunch.

The two of you
love a good sandwich, right?

You see,
you have a lot in common.

What I did was nothing compared
to how you humiliated me

in front of your
entire school for no reason.

Ah!

♪ From way out in Arizona ♪

♪ He heard the nation's call ♪

The women's movement
is very important to me.

In fact, at NYU,
I'm chairman of the committee

of male students
or female students for Udall.

You want to back rub?

Okay.

♪ Will you walk? ♪

♪ Please go, Udall ♪

Thank you, Rachel,
for that compelling

and really catchy song.

Um, it seems
that Congressman Udall
is running a little late,

so, uh, if anyone
has anything they want to add

or you just want to come up

and, you know,
tell it like it is,

then well, come on up.

So, how are the signs coming?

Great, great. Almost done.

He do you like that?
He can spell, too.

I can start over.

Hey, Judith, you never told me

Eddie writes
most of Udall's speeches.

Oh, really? Is that right?

Uh, I didn't want to brag.

Besides, there's
a lot of people chipped in.

Since Udall isn't here yet,

why don't we just
cut out the middleman,

and have you get up there?

Uh, no, no, I'm not prepared.

Plus, we don't want
to steal Morris' thunder.

No, no,
it would be great to hear

from someone
who really knows their politics.

Hey, everybody!

We've got
a special guest speaker,

Eddie Charles from NYU.

Right on, man, right on!

U-- Udall.

Udall. He's our man.

If he can't do it, no one can.

Right on!

Eddie, would you mind explaining

Udall's
energy conservation program?

Oh, yeah, um, yeah,
well, there's, you know,

many different points to it.

You know, uh, one being,

uh, you know,

always turn off the lights
when you leave the room.

All right! Udall! Udall!

Uh, what about Vietnam?

Vietnam?

Uh, it's a goddamn mess.

We need to get
the hell out of there.

We did. Five months ago.

Um, yeah.

Does anyone of you want
to hear Rachel sing again?

Yeah!

Uncle Eddie went and died.

Jude, you know,
that was a little unprovoked.

Why did you do that?

Maybe because she's evil?

Hey, I'm glad I did what I did.

You had it coming to you,
and you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

No, no, no, I don't know
what you're talking about.

I never know
what you're talking about.

Oh, fine. Forget it.
But what happened happened.

You know it, and I know it.

I don't know it.

Well, this doesn't concern you.

No, if it concerns you,
and it concerns him,

that it concerns me,
and I deserve to know
what I'm concerned about.

Fine, Eddie, shall I just
dump all the laundry
out of the hamper?

Just dump it. Dump it.
Come on, dump it, dump it.

Okay, okay,
you remember that dorm party

after Sean and I
played on campus?

Yeah.

I'm glad I broke up with Judith.

You know,
she's really bringing me down.

Didn't she break up
with you, man?

Whatever.

The point is...

I've never been
so unhappy in my life.

...I'm a free man, and this
is all going into my novel.

And once it's a bestseller,
she's gonna come
crawling back to me,

but I'll be
married to Allie MacGraw.

Cool. 'Cause she's here.

Allie MacGraw's here?

No, Judith.

She just walked in.

Do me a favor,
try to wait at least 30 seconds

before you beg her
to take you back.

Time's up.

What a surprise.
I didn't know you were here.

Hello, Martin.
So, what have you been up to?

Dating, partying. Mostly dating.

So...

Take me back, would you?

Uh, you want a beer?

Hey, Van Boone.
You up for a red?

Stolen
from my old man's pharmacy.

No, no, man.
She doesn't do that.

Excuse me, I think
I can make my own decisions.

That's cool.

Don't call me when you
wake up in the infirmary.

If you do wake up,
you know, they put
rat poison in those things.

Give me some of those, will you?

Can you imagine

if Martin and I
had gotten married?

I mean, he is so like this.

And I am so like this.

I can dig it, man.

- It is what it is.
- It is.

It is.

You are so heavy.

You are so...

different from Martin.

Not just because you're Black.

You just are

so like this.

Right back at you.

I just feel

so close to you.

I gotta go.

You came on to him?

I know what I did was wrong.

And my one lapse of discretion
happened to coincide

with your one lapse
of sleaziness.

But how dare
you judge me after the way
you've lived your life?

- You came on to him.
- Oh, God.

And you've never
let me live it down.

For 20 years,
you've looked at me

with that smug
moral superiority.

You came on to him?

Judith, I don't know
what the hell
you're talking about.

Oh, please.

No, I'm telling you,

I remember dancing with you.

I remember being totally wasted.

I gotta go.

And I remember
waking up with Lorraine Tucci

in the register's office,
but that's about it.

You really had no idea?

Hey, if I knew that you
were making a pass at me,

I definitely
would have fucked you.

You would have?

In a second.

You were
much hotter than Lorraine.

Plus, she gave me crabs.

Eddie, you're being so sweet.

I cannot believe you made
a pass at my best friend.

And you,
you would have fucked her

while I was all alone
in my dorm room.

Growing my eyes out.

Oh, would you lighten up?

It's not like
I actually fucked her.

No, but you would have.

Yeah.

This is just fucking great.

Oh, Martin, why are you so upset

about Something
that happened 20 years ago.

Come on,
we'll talk about your party.

No, no, no, I don't want
either one of you
throwing me a party.

You sluts.

Martin, come on.
You're being ridiculous.

Come on, bud.
Come on out of there.

Why, so you two can
have the bedroom to yourselves?

Well, you know how he is
when he gets this way.

Just let him sulk
for a couple of hours.

All right.
You want to go to the movies?

Mm, that'd be great.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not without me, you don't.

Oh, this reminds me
of a double date.

Reminds me
of the three musketeers.

That's possibly
because there are three of us.