All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S06E16.en

Oh!

- Hey, bud, what's going on?
- Nothing. I just started eating.

Oh, come on,
let me take you to dinner.

- Eddie, I'm eating now, see?
- No, you don't want this.

Grrrr!

Let's go.
What are you in the mood for?

Oh jeez, I don't know, Chinese?

Hey, Martini!
Surprise!

Oh-ho-ho!

- Hey, Eddie, it's--
- Frankenstein special.

- Pete.
- Pete LaSalle.

- What are you doing here?
- It's kind of a long story.

You know, the company
that I used to work for

merged with another company,
and they offered me

$100,000 to just go away.

I don't know why.

Anyway, I moved back here
to New York,

and I cornered Eduardo here
into some dinner plans,

and he thought maybe you'd like
to make it a trifecta.

I mean, it'll be just
like the old days

- of the lunchroom, huh?
- I'm not hungry.

You know, I forgot my wallet.

Eduardo, why don't you help me
look for it?

We'll be right back, okay?
Ah? Okay. Yeah.

Okay, bye.

There is no way I'm goin' out
with that guy.

Oh, Martin, have a heart.

This guy just lost his job.
He's lonely.

You can't make me spend
an entire meal with him alone!

- Please!
- Yes, I can.

He called you.
He's your problem.

Martin, if you're any
kind of a friend to him--

I'm not.
I don't even like the guy, okay?
I just feel sorry for him.

Which is exactly
why you should go.

Come on, I mean,
it would mean a lot to him.

If we go together,
it won't be so painful.

You...

Well, I'm a sucker
for a worthy cause.

Hey, check this out.

Your apartment number
is the same

- as Catherine the Great's
birthday, 502. May 2nd.
- Neat.

Ah, shit.
My producer.

Listen, guys, I'm gonna
have to take a rain check.

So you two guys have fun.

Why, you dirty double crossing--

Hey! Oh!

Martin, Pete LaSalle
for you.

Again?

Look, just tell the guy he can--
come right in.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Are you on your way out,
Martini?

- Because maybe I'll go with.
- Actually, I just got here.

You know, I'm working
the graveyard shift tonight.

You know, boring, boring, boring.

- I'll just hang.
- I'll get the rope.

I've always been interested
in the editorial process.

Stay out of my hair!

So, she's even more
beautiful than her voice.

- Who is?
- Toby.

I met her on the way in.
Whew!

She kind of reminds me
of a modern-day Mae West.

Yeah.
Oh yeah, she's a looker.

It's all I can do to get
any work done around here.

Oh!

Could you excuse me
for just a- a minute?

Toby, do you have
any plans for tonight?

Martin, I told you, I'm not
interested in you in that way.

No, no, no.

I was wondering if you'd
like to go out with Pete?

- Because I think he might--
- Leave me alone.

Be the perfect guy for you.

Who? The guy you said glommed
on to you and wouldn't let go?

Toby, you misunderstood.

When I said "glom,"
I meant that in the good sense.

Like the way a cat gloms.
You know, the...

Forget it. Martin,
you've known me 12 years.

Don't you have any
idea what my type is?

Toby, he's exactly your type.

You know, he's nice,
and fun, and...

And I'll give you the day off
tomorrow.

And maybe you'd like
to buy yourself a new outfit.

That covers the blouse.

You expect me to run around
with no pants?

I need shoes.

- That's all the money I have.
- Fine, you owe me 50 bucks.

- Everything copacetic in here?
- Good news.

Toby's free tonight and she'd
love to have dinner with you.

Terrific!

Martini, you sure
you don't wanna come with?

- Perfect, Martin'll come with.
- Great!

No, Toby, you remember what
we discussed?

Martin, I'm an old-fashioned
girl.

I would never dream of going
without a chaperone. Never!

- Ah, very good.
- Wow!

Toby, did you hear that? Huh?
Fluent Japanese.

That Pete's a real man
of the world.

No, no, not really.
I just learned it from a tape.

Actually, I've never been west
of Cincinnati.

Although I must say, I have
always been a real Nipponophile.

Could you turn down
the air conditioning?

Speaking of Japanese things,
why don't you tell Pete

about that great new VCR
you're always talking about?
Go ahead.

It's a Panasonic.

In Japan, Panasonic
goes by the name National.

And Mazda is called Matsuda,
which means "pine forest."

Why don't you say something?

Boy, this sushi
sure looks great, huh?

In Japan, the average
Japanese man consumes over
500 pounds of sushi a year,

and I must consume 600.

How many pounds would you say
you consume?

None.
I'd sooner eat a human finger.

This may be the last chance
I have, I wanna make it count.

You know, you guys have a lot
in common.

You're both Catholic,
and you're both right-handed,
and-- what? What?

What's so funny?

- You've got some--
- Soy sauce on your chin.

Perfect, uh, you were saying?

What else do you have in common?
Well, uh...

Well, you both know me.

It's working. It's working.

You know, last year Martin
and I were walking to a meeting,

and a pigeon-- pfft!
Right on his head.

He had no idea.

And I didn't tell him for like,
five hours.

Once, in chem lab, Martin
singed off both of his eyebrows

with a Bunsen burner,

and he had to wear Band-Aids
for the rest of the semester.

You know, I really should
finish up back at the office.

- Do you guys mind if I bow out?
- No, no, go right ahead.

- Go on. [laughs] Go!
- Okay, you two have fun.

I'm free!
At last, I'm really free.

Well, it looks like Gary Cooper
seems to like you.

He's usually a pretty
good judge of character.

Actually, when cats rub up
against you,

it's not a sign of affection,
it's marking its territory

using a secretion from a small
gland in the eye.

So what, are you telling me
I'm walking around
with cat eye secretion on me?

I like that.

Of course, if I were to rub
up against you,

that would be a sign
of affection.

- Would you like that?
- Sure, what the hell.

It looks as if we might kill
two birds with one stone.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!
Ohhh God!

Wait! Not yet!

Think of baseball players.

Joe...

Papi-ohhh!

Oh. Want some juice?

Reverend Wildwood, I am thrilled

that you're considering working
with me on your next book.

I watch your show religiously,
no pun intended.

- No, but it makes me--
- Feel kinda sick to my stomach.

- Feel good inside.
- Good!

It is imperative for me
to work with a man

of the highest moral character.

I left my last publishing
company when I discovered

that my editor was living
in sin with his girlfriend.

- Sin!
- Mm! Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Well, I can assure you
I'm your guy.

And I firmly believe that
if we can do a book

which speaks to your eight
million viewers, we can make...

Plenty of happy cabbage.

A lot of headway toward
correcting what's wrong
with this country.

- Amen.
- The lack of moral fiber.

- Amen!
- The decay of family values.

Praise the Lord!

I'm pregnant!
You did this to me.

- What?
- I didn't wanna do it.

But you kept pressuring me,
and pressuring me.

"Come on, just this once.
It'll be fun."

- This is not
what it sounds like.
- You paid me to do it!

I wish I'd never seen
your money.

Toby, why don't you wait
outside?

No, I have a score to settle
with you.

Would you excuse us
for just a minute?

Yes, I think that would be best.

Your friend Pete planted
his seed of life in me.

Oh my God.

How did that happen?

I don't know!

We used a condom,
we used a diaphragm.

But his sperm
is as persistent as he is.

- Toby, what are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna have the baby.

This may be my only chance
to be a mother.

Martin, I'm 40 years old.

How many eggs
you think I have left in here?

- Have you told Pete yet?
- Oh, what do I say?

Pete, instead of meeting me
at the Putt Putt Golf tonight,

why don't you just meet me
at the altar?

Whoa, whoa!
You're planning on marrying him?

I have to, my family
has a strict moral code.

You meet a man, you get
pregnant, you get married.

Toby, I'm sure your family
will understand.

What, are you kidding?

I'll be a disgrace
to the Pedalbee name.

They'll make me wear a big
scarlet letter on my chest

like Laverne,
in "Laverne and Shirley."

Toby, the first thing
you have to do is talk to Pete.

No! He's your friend.
You forced him on me.

- You talk to him.
- What?

Make him marry me.

And tell him I want
a spring wedding.

She's pregnant?

- Oh my God, that's great!
- What?

Oh, well, I just always assumed
I was sterile.

I mean, I do wear briefs,
and studies show

that tends to raise
the temperature of the scrotum.

Oh, would you shut up?
This is not about your fucking
scrotum.

Look, Toby is pregnant,
and she intends to have it.

Now what do you intend to do
about it?

I know what I wanna do.

I wanna ask her to marry me.

- You do?
- Yes.

I never knew I could feel this
way about a woman before, but...

Oh, I can't do it.

- Why not?
- Well, what if she says no?

I mean, she's so...

Beautiful,
and so full of fire, like...

Like Mount St. Helens.

Oh, she could have anyone.

Pete, she is not going
to say no.

- Do you really think so?
- Believe me.

Woo!

What a hunk of ice.

You could play hockey on it.

Or midgets could, anyway.

I got a diamond that size
lodged in my colon.

If I pass it, I'm gonna make you
matching earrings.

Aww!

You know, they say diamonds
are forever.

Some stones have been known
to disintegrate
after several million years.

And I hope we're gonna be
together so long

I have to buy you another one.
Muah!

I'm gonna go check on the dip.

- Hey, Martin, gimme your hand.
- I'd really rather not.

What do you think I'm gonna do?
Put it between my legs?

Gimme your hand.

I just got a new tattoo
right... there.

You know what it says?

- I don't know, "Mom?"
- No.

Come in the john,
and I'll show it to you.

Then I'll give you the best
20 minutes of your life.

Nothing personal, I'm just,
I'm not interested.

- What are you, a fairy?
- Yes, Gina. Yes, I am.

Could you excuse me for just
a moment?

- You know, I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks, Ma.

Yeah, I mean, Gina's been
married between four

and seven times,
but this is special.

Because you're my firstborn.

And I always loved you more
than her.

Ma, were you nervous
before you got married?

Oh, sure.
Hey, marriage is scary.

Especially when you hardly know
the guy.

Like when your father
knocked me up.

I mean, over time,
I grew to love him.

And when Gina's father
knocked me up,

over time,
I grew to love him, too.

- That's good to hear.
- Yeah.

Of course, after a while,
they get on your nerves.

You can always dump 'em.

- Toby?
- Hey, Martini.

I've been looking for you!

Because you're responsible
for our present state
of premarital bliss,

we would like you to grace us
with a toast.

Everyone,
Martin's gonna make a toast.

Everyone, please, come on,
gather round.

Gather round.
Thank you. Martin.

Here's looking at you.

I guess I have a few words
to say.

It's rare when you see
two people so--

- Very irritating.
- ...special come together.

And Pete and Toby have both
given me a lot of...

Human misery. And do you know
what goes with misery?

Suffering.
And what goes with suffering?

Joy.

And I'm sure they're gonna give
each other a lot of joy
in the future.

But before
we toast Pete and Toby,
I'd like to give you this.

Please use them now for
the first time, and on many,

many happy occasions
over the next 50 years.

Nice goin', Martin.

Toby,
come on out now.

You don't want Louie
to shoot the lock?

No, I'll only talk
to Martin.

Maybe she has a question
about work.

Oh. Oh no.

Come on. Come on.
Get in there.

Go! Go on now, she's just upset.

Take care of it.

What's wrong?

Our initials are all mixed up
together in glass.

First of all, it's crystal.

But if you don't like it,
I can get you something else.

I mean, how about a nice
blender?
Would you like that?

Martin?

I don't think I can marry him.

I mean,
he's smart and nice,

and he's got a penis
like you wouldn't believe.

- Yeah, well, anyway.
- But he's kind of annoying.

Although I wouldn't mind that,
if- if I loved him.

If you don't love him,
maybe you shouldn't marry him.

You have to do what's best
for you, not your family.

No, it's not just them.
It's just...

Ah, forget it.

What? Come on, what?
Tell me.

I don't think I can take care
of this baby alone.

I mean, what if I drop it
on its head

or I leave it on the subway?

Toby, come on.
You're very maternal.

I mean, you took care
of your cats alone.

Oh Martin, that's cats.

You drop 'em, they land
on their feet.

A person's different.

I never took care of a person
before.

Well, that's not true.
That's not true.

You've taken care of me
for the last 12 years.

Yeah, and look at you.

I don't want my kid to end up
like you.
Your life's a mess.

Oh, I've had enough.

Look, Toby, having a baby
is terrifying,

but so is getting a new
Xerox machine.

Remember how scared you were
of that, huh?

Remember?
But now you're in there
making copies,

and that's sort of like
making formula, right?

And you're changing the toner,

and that's sort of like
changing diapers.

It's all the same thing.

You're gonna be an expert
in no time.

But what if I'm not?

Toby, you're a very capable
and loving person

when you wanna be, and I think
you're gonna be

a terrific mother, either
by yourself or with Pete.

I don't know what to do.
Tell me what to do.

I can't tell you what to do.

Just be strong,
and go with your heart.

- Everything copacetic in here?
- I'm not gonna marry you.

- What? What do you mean?
- Martin told me not to.

Pete, that's not exactly
the case.

- You son of a bitch!
- Toby-- ah!

Pete, this is not my fault!
Toby, help me!

I can't. I'm a pregnant woman.

Fight! Fight! Ma!
Fight! Fight! Fight!

You said she'd marry me.

You told me to propose!

I bought an $8,000 ring.

I'll give you 2,500 for that
ring right now, unmarked bills.

Pete, she doesn't love you.

What are you saying?
The baby's yours, isn't it?

You son of a bitch!
Bastard!

Toby! Toby!
Toby! Toby!

Oh, isn't this sweet?
They're fightin' over my Toby.

Toby, I think you and Pete
need to have a little talk.

I'd rather not.
You do it.

No, no, no!
I'm going home.

I'll meet you there.

Ow! I don't think so.

That's what he thinks.

Thank you.

Martini, I'm sorry.

Toby explained everything.

She did?

- Are you okay?
- I guess.

Oh, she was so kind.

We must've talked for 3 hours.
Do you know what she said to me?

I haven't had my hair
washed since Labor Day.

I give up.

- She said:
- you're a sweet guy,

and you know more stuff
than anybody I ever met.

But you don't know anything
about me.

And I don't know anything
about you.

- That's not true.
- Oh, yeah?

What's the name of my first cat?

What's my shoe size?
What's my favorite dessert?

- Meringue?
- Chocolate pudding.

You see, how can you marry
someone,

they don't even know
your favorite dessert?

You know, you can paraphrase
if you want.

I don't need to.

I can remember every word.

To be honest,
I know you well enough

to know I don't want
to know you any better.

Wait. That came out wrong.

The point is, I don't think
it's gonna work out.

And I would rather have you be
my baby's father and my friend

than my baby's father,
and my ex-husband.

I understand.

I guess we better go tell
everyone the news.

Nah, let's not tell 'em tonight.

That way we can
keep the presents.

Split 'em between us.

Yeah, that's it.
Just let it out.

I really appreciate
everything you've done for me.

Sancho Panza would pale
as a friend compared to you.

I'm here for you.

You know, Martini, it is weird.
We're like the same person.

I mean, here we are,
we've both been dumped

by the women we loved.

We're both single dads.

It is a real blessing that we
have each other to lean on.

The one blessing I can count
is that you aren't twins.

You know who else
is a single dad?

Eduardo. In fact, why don't
I call him right now?

- He can join us.
- It's 4:30 in the morning.

He won't mind.

Hey, Mar--