All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S06E13.en

Jeremy?

Jeremy!

Damn it!

Hello.

Irvin Bader, Esquire,
Hunter Owens Management.

I hope I'm not
getting you at a bad time.
Come on in!

You pardon
an old fashioned hint,

but we weren't
expecting company.

There we go.

What do you think? Two bedrooms?
Exposed brick?

Can I get either of you
something to drink?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Not that it's any
of your concern,

but the Swansons are thinking
of buying your unit.

Dad, when did you
decide to move?

No, I'm not moving.
You know I'm buying this unit.

I already put down a deposit.

Yes, but you still
have to come up
with the $40,000 down payment.

Frankly, I'd say you have
a better chance of becoming
the next Miss America,

assuming you have
some kind of talent.

Should I start packing?

No, no, I have plenty of time.

Actually, you have 45 days

pursuant to lease
paragraph 18(j),

otherwise known as
the "out on your ass" clause.

What'll I do? What'll I do?

What is the square footage?

We have over two miles
of model train track.

It's five square feet, okay?

And it's mine. This is my home!

You stop that
jumping up and down.

Get out. Out, out, get out.
Everybody get out.

Come on, let's go. Come on now.

Out, out, out.
Beat it, beat it, beat it.

- Come on.
- Temper, Tupper.

Yeah. I--

By the way, those 45 days
include weekends.

I have to--

Dad, if you need any money,
I can always dip into the trust
fund that Richard set up for me.

Jeremy, that's very cute,
but I have plenty of money.

So you'll be needing $40,000?

Well, it sounds like
more than it is.

Mr. Tupper,

if you need to borrow
the 20% down payment,

how do you expect
to come up with the mortgage?

To tell you the truth,
I was hoping to borrow the rest
from a different bank.

Okay.

Well, we'll review
your application

and let you know
as soon as possible.

You know, I didn't put
this down on my asset list,

but I have a [indistinct] rookie
card that is in mint condition.

Now, sell it. Sell it.
Sell it. Just sell it all.

Tried all nine shares.

Asshole.

Marty, I hate
to interrupt this episode

of Lifestyles
of the Barely Solvent,

but I've reviewed your latest
non-fiction proposals.

The good news
is there'll be no shortage
of door stops this year.

Okay, Gibby,
what about the Rivera book?

The guy's on the 23rd day
of his hunger strike, you know.

No, Marty.
No, the waif look is out.

So we're going
with my sister's suggestion,

the latest Vernon Pactor opus.

Vernon?

The guy who wrote Orgasms?
Why?

Why would you possibly
give him another book?

Because, Marty, unlike you,

Vernon had the good sense
to fuck my sister.

This one, I believe,
is a Western

entitled Up the Chisholm Trail.

I think that's Chisholm.
Or is that a J?

Come on, Gibby.
Victor Rivera's been living
on nothing

but Gatorade
for the past three weeks.

The least you can do
is read his book

or maybe just an outline.

I haven't heard so much whining

since it was castration week
on the sheep station.

I'll tell you what.
If you do
a good job with Verney,

then I'll look at your outline.

- Two pages, double spaced.
- Thank you.

Martin, great news.
That was the bank.

You're kidding.
You're kidding. Come on.

What? What? What did they say?

They rejected your loan.

- Ow!
- And why is that great news?

Because instead
of borrowing from some cold,

impersonal bank,
you can borrow from me.

What do you need? Ten grand?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I like half in blue bills
and half in orange bills.

Well, actually,
most of it's in Treasury notes

and zero-coupon bonds,

but I think
I'm liquid enough to cover you.

Where'd you get
that kind of money?

I found a copy
of Forbes magazine on the bus.

I started investing.

Besides, if you count
my overtime,

I make more money than you do.

Toby, thanks for offering,
but...

I'd rather be dead.

...that won't be necessary.

Fine, you could always grovel
to your ex-wife for the money.

We all know
what a turn on that is.

Trust me, Toby.

I have plenty of ways
to get the money.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

"Sheriff Hotspur pulled out
his long-barreled love pistol

and emptied it
into Calamity Tina's
hungry holster of pleasure

round after round after round.

'Yippee-yayo-ki-yay,'
she screamed.

Her legs undulated

like those swinging
door things in a saloon."

Goodness,
what beautiful diamonds.

Pretty great, huh?

Vernon, I don't mean to pry,

but how does a--

an artist like you
afford such nice stuff?

I mean, we pay our writers...

...decently, but still.

These bobbles?

I got these with my money job.

See, I got a job for love,
and I got a job for money.

My money job
is writing porno flicks.

But my real love
is writing serious literature.

- Like Up the Chisholm Trail.
- That should be a J.

Anyway, "As Calamity Tina
begged for mercy,

the Sioux brave
took out his tomahawk..."

So you bought
all this stuff just from, uh,

just from writing those movies?

Oh, yeah.
I make five grand a pop.

Seems like so much money.

Anyway, I'm sorry. Go on.

- Is that 5000 cash?
- Totally under the table.

If you're interested,
why don't you bang out a script?

- I'll show it to my producer.
- Me?

No, no, I couldn't do that.

Sure you can.

All you got to do
is write 20 pages.

The rest is humping and sucking.

Come on.

As we say in the biz,
give it a crack.

Get it? Crack?

Yeah, yeah I got it,

but, no, no, I, uh--
I don't think so.

Suit yourself.

Hey, can we finish after lunch?
I got to get back to my co-op.

The mirror guy's
coming to fix my ceiling.

You ordered the pizza
with sausage?

Yes.

But I said hold the pizza.

Oh.

Ma'am.

I'm Officer Goodbody.

I'll say.

What's it like renting at 40?

Boy, you don't even
get a tax break.

You could always
borrow money from me, maggot.

Wake up and look facts
in the face.

Go with the gaiter
from page 316.

Uh, no, the other guy's
tomatoes were mealy.

I heard this
from a lot of people.

All right, fine, fine,
okay, I'll talk to you

when you get back
from the doctor, right.

Mr. Nydorff, I know
you're very, very busy,

so why don't I
just drop this off?

Please, call me Manny.

Pull up a chair.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Would you like some broth?

Uh, no, no. Thanks.

I-- I-- I just ate.

- May I?
- Please, please.

All right.

I've never written
one of these before.

I-- I have written
mostly plays and novels.
I mean, nothing published.

Although The New Yorker
did send me a personal letter

and you don't get
one of those every day.

- Shh.
- I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

It's the waiting
that's getting me.

Martin, I-- I gotta tell you.

This is-- this is not
what I would call a porn movie.

Fine, fine, fine, fine.
I totally understand.

This, my young friend,
is porn cinema.

This is art.

This is,
what can I say, wonderful.

Love it. Wonderful.

Really? You're gonna buy it?

Wow. I-- thank you.

No, thank you.

I haven't seen talent like this
since a young man

in an army uniform
walked in here

with an ass full of shrapnel
and a head full of ideas.

Do you know who that man was?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I thought it was
a rhetorical question.

I give up.

Dennis Crane.

Just who is this Dennis Crane?

- Never heard of him.
- I'm flattered.

I mean, he's-- he's--
he's one of the best.

I'm putting this
into production next week.

It'll be in the video stores
a week later,

but we have to change the title.

Oh, you don't like the Erotic
Adventures of Oedipus?

Yeah, it's a little too artsy.

How about Motherfucker?

Uh, that might tip the ending,
you know, just...

Right, right, right, right.

Uh, okay, okay.
We'll go with, uh...

Eat-a-Puss Rex.

Nice, okay, so you go,

quit your day job
and spin me some more gold.

Uh, look, Mr. Nydorff--

- Manny.
- Manny.

I'm not really looking to make
another career out of this.

You know, I just need $40,000
for a down payment on my co-op.

Fact, Michelangelo
painted the Mona Lisa

to support his opium habit.

I can respect that.

Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa.

You're missing my point, Martin.

You keep writing like this,

you'll have that co-op
faster than you can say...

Dennis Crane?

I was gonna say Marv Ketcham,
but you're the writer.

So, Martin Tupper, go and write.

Oh, by the way,
get yourself a nice pen name.

Manny, you said
I never had to see anybody.

It was a part of my deal.

Duke, I wanted you
all to witness

how our genre is being
transformed by this man.

Catch Her in The Rear
is our Citizen Kane.

Thank you. I--
I hope you all liked it.

Like it? I didn't get it.

I mean, there was
snow melting in every scene.

Martin, enlighten them.

Well, the melting snow
represents the erosion
of innocence,

your spiritual,
sexual and societal,

which is why
a boarding school just before

the Kennedy assassination
seemed the perfect milieu.

Okay, I got a pitch.

Imagine, if you will, a door.

A woman,

a Bambi Woods,
a chesty love, opens said door.

Lo, it's a delivery guy.

Only he's delivering
Chinese food.

I call it Sichuan Pork.

Pretty great, huh?

Martin, what do I think?

I'd call it idiotic.

It's a little derivative
of Pizza Sluts,

but what if
you went a different way?

What if it were...

a resort?

And we have
a young man working hard,

you know,
saving money for school.

Front. Front.

And he meets a-- a lonely,
sophisticated widow.

Are you sure
your husband's dead?

And she teaches him to be a man.

Have a cigar, babe.

And he teaches her
to live and love again.

I don't get it.
Do you get it, Brenda?

Of course she gets it.

She loves it.

She'll be telling her
grandchildren about this day.

Martin, wonderful. Love it.

Now I get it.

You're a genius.
I'm such a fucking asshole.

Here, here, here. You, you.

Well, you're a big star.

Hello, Martin Tupper.

Irwin Bader, Esquire,
Hunter Owens Management.

I'm in your apartment
with the Tanaka's,

and they want
to try out your shower.

Where do you keep your shampoo?

You better get
the hell out of there.

And by the way,
you'll have my down payment

by the end of the month.

Hello, Marty,

just read your outline
about that hungry fella.

You did a fine job of capturing
the essence of the subject.

- I did?
- Oh, yes.

The stultifying dullness
leapt off the page

and enveloped my head
like an elk fart.

Now, before you pitch me
the big book of open sores,

let me remind you, we are trying
to publish books here

that people might actually buy.

I hate you. I hate you.

They wobble,
but they don't fall down.

What? Toby, what is it?

Some guy Manny called.

You needed
on the set right away.

I am? Really?

Toby, I'll be gone
for the rest of the afternoon.

Martin, I know
what this is about.

I offered to lend you
the money, but no.

You had to debase yourself.

She knows
just as if she was inside me.

I have no idea what you mean.

Please.

I know when somebody's
talking in code.

Manny almost rhymes with Amway.

The set refers to something
to do with Amway.

If you locate your dignity,

the Bank of Toby's always open.

It's true, yes, you are
supposed to poke your eyes.

Go ahead.

Okay.

How you doing?

It's bigger than I thought.

Martin, thank God you're here.

Eat-a-Puss is having issues
with the eye scene.

Come, let's reason together.

- Manny, this is Samuel Clemens.
- Call me Sam.

So, uh, is there a problem?

Fuck yeah, there's a problem.

And on page 16 here it says
I gotta poke my eyes out.

And my fans,
they don't want that.

I mean, they see
the women through my eyes.

Look, you--

you've just perpetrated
the greatest transgression

in Western thought.

You know,
you slept with your mother,

you-- you've killed your father.

Can you imagine
the anguish that you'd feel?

Yeah, my father,
he's an asshole.

I mean, he's all,
"Randy, turn that shit down.

Randy, you're smoking
too much weed.

Randy this,
Randy that, Randy this--"

Randy, Randy, Randy. Randy.

You're an actor, right?

So, just pretend that you're...

bummed.

Okay.

So bummed that all you can do
is gouge out your own eyes.

If I'm bummed...

why don't I do
something real people do,

like, uh, get shit-faced?

Or...

poke her eyes out, yeah.

Why, you low-born
uncouth barbarian.

He's usually not this difficult.

I can't work with him.

He's destroying the integrity
of the entire project.

He's fired. Gone.

There's plenty
of big schlongs in this town.

We'll find one that
can do justice to your words.

Now, here's a little
something for your trouble.

Call it a-- a consulting fee.

Thanks, but you don't have
to do that.

I do if I want
to sleep at night.

Now, go be a genius.

A few more of these pictures,

you'll be able to buy
your entire building.

Oh, Martin, everything's
gonna be just fine now.

So after I retile the bathroom,

I'm thinking about replacing
these floors with Birchwood.

You know,
I'd go with pile carpeting.

To me, pile says,

"Hello, winner. Come on in.

Take your shoes off.
Have sex on me."

A park bench says that to you.

So where are you getting
all this money, hmm?

Well, I've been budgeting,
you know,

clipping coupons
and buying in bulk.

There's the food.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's okay. This one's on me.

Mr. Clemens,
I've got to talk to you.

- What are you doing here?
- I got your address
from the staff list.

I read Catch Her
in The Rear and--

Well, I must play
the part of Phoebe.

I am Phoebe.

Look, this really
isn't a good time, you know.

"Now you listen to me
Hard-on Caulfield.

I know you think
everyone's a phony,

but these aren't phony."

Thanks.

But don't clap for me.
He wrote it.

Look, I have
no idea who you are,

and you're obviously
in the wrong apartment.

It's me, Tawny.

We met on the set
of Eat-a-Puss Rex.

I played Diana, the one who
went down on the Theban woman.

Did--

New York.

You know, I bet the guy
she's looking for got our food.
I better call.

So how long have you been
writing porno movies?

Ah, nuts.

It's not porno.

If you must know,
I'm writing independent films

for primarily mature audiences.

Who go to movies in trench coats
with their trousers unzipped?

Well, good for you. Pino grigio?

Martin, I am
so disappointed in you.

- What?
- You've been writing
skin flicks,

and you've never
invited me to the set?

I'm supposed
to be your best friend.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm writing thoughtful,
provocative stories,

and yes, sometimes people
have sex in them.

But it's always handled
very, very tastefully.

So, are you, uh,

actually on the set
when they're fucking?

Own up to it, Martin.

You are writing smut. It's smut.

That is a very dangerous
term to be throwing around.

When James Joyce wrote Ulysses,
they called it smut.

Now, look at it now.
Now it's a classic.

There's even
a newsletter about it.

And someday they'll be
studying Eat-a-Puss Rex

in colleges everywhere.

Look.

- Saved by the bell.
- I have to go.

That's my producer.
There's an emergency on the set.

What seems to be the problem?

Did somebody put something
in the wrong orifice?

Uh, um...

I better come along with you.

No, no, absolutely not.

This isn't some freak show.
This is serious filmmaking.

Judith, would you
pay the man, please?

We have a serious problem.

What? What is it?

My star writer
is getting too big.

Surprise!

Your brilliant script
for Eat-a-Puss Rex

has been nominated
for the Chubby Award.

My first nomination
in 25 years in this business.

God bless you.

Marty. The Chubby.
I know you'll win.

Don't wait too long
to rent your tux.

The velvet ones go like that.

Congratulations.
Um, you want a blow job?

Uh, no. Thanks.
I'm trying to cut down.

Speech! Speech!

Speech! Speech!

Gee, uh...

Five minutes ago
I didn't even know
what a Chubby was.

Now all I can say is,

I don't care if I win, you know,

it's an honor
just to be nominated.

Martin, bravo, yeah.

Such a human being.

I love this one.

Eat-a-Puss,
what an interesting name.

Is it Athenian?

Actually,
it's a nickname given to me

by the goddess of love.

Really?

Why do they call you that?

I will show you.

Eat-a-Puss.

- Jeremy.
- Dad.

Where did you get this?

Uh, Bobby lent it to me.

We have a test
on Oedipus Rex tomorrow

and they were all
out of CliffNotes.

Uh, and my elbows were chapped.

Again.

What have I done?

You're quitting?
Why would you want to do that?

Because all I'm doing
is writing wack-off material.

Of course you're writing
wack-off material.

Would you think people
use these films for, dancing?

Well, I thought I was...

An artist, gentlemen.

...I don't know what I thought.

Martin, you should be proud.

Masturbation is
the highest form of flattery.

It's like burping
in a Moroccan restaurant.

Look, I have nothing
against masturbation.

I mean, God knows
I've done my share.

You know, it's just--

I don't want this
to be my legacy.

I am such a schmuck.

How much do you want?

No, no, no, Mr. Nydorff,
No, no, no, look.

- Manny.
- Manny, Manny. I-- No.

- Just say when.
- No, no.

Protect me in this,
my hour of temptation.

No, no, no. It's not the money.

You've been more than generous.

You haven't seen generosity yet.

Look, it's like the Twin Towers.

No, no, no, no, no.

I believe you're still 5,000
short on your down payment.

I know, I know, but I've--

got plenty of ways
to make the money.

Sign here.

And sign here.

And here.

And initial here,
here, and here.

There you go.

$5,000 at 9.5% interest
on a daily basis.

Wait a minute.

The interest compounds daily?

No, you pay me daily.

$1.84 in cash on my desk

every day
for the next eight years.

Ow!

Thank you, Toby.

Great news, Marty.

I found just the project
to get you back on the horse.

Really? What is it?

I saw a private screening
of a film

by a brilliant new writer
named Samuel Clemens.

Bring him in for a meeting.

I'll get right on it.

Today, I consider myself

the luckiest man
on the face of the earth.