All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S06E02.en

Oh, I know a great little
Cuban restaurant near--

Oh, oh, well,
what did you have in mind?

Right.

Right, the place
with the jousting.

Why don't we just go see
the new Scorsese film?

There might be some yelling.

Look, could you hold on
for just a minute?

Why do I--

Oh, gosh, you're not going
to believe this.

That was my boss.

Yeah, I have to put out
a little fire.

No, that's just
a figure of speech.

Look, why don't I
call you when...

Tokyo freezes over.

...when things
settle down a little?

You're right. Okay.

Okay. All right. Bye-bye.

Martin, we sprinkled toner
on Fred's chair.

You want to be there
when he stands up?

Thanks, Toby, but I was there
when you did it
to Carter this morning,

and it's still pretty fresh
in my mind, okay?

When are you going
to snap out of it?

- Snap out of what?
- Martin, it's me, Toby.

I've known you
for as long as you've known me.

I've seen your ups, your downs,
your smiles, your sad faces.

Speak.

I might as well get
this over my chest right now.

It's this whole dating thing.

You know, I mean, there's
never any chemistry or magic.

You know, I just--

I don't know.
Maybe I should just...

- Take a break.
- Take a break.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

One time, me
and the shoe clerk I was dating

were in Atlantic City,
losing our butts off at keno.

I said, "Let's take a break."

We went to the bar,
right there on the stool,

I found a hairbrush.
Like new.
I'm still using it.

Hi. That Fred guy has
a big black stain on his pants.

Oh, rats! I missed it!

Jude, could we skip lunch today?
I have to...

...put out a little fire.

Oh, sure.
I've got a million things to do.

Guess who's coming to visit?
Bess Justin.

Really?

Really?

Is-- is-- is what's his name
coming with her

or is he gearing up
for another Toyota-thon?

No, no, no, no.
They divorced about a year ago.

Oh, what a shame.
She's a poor kid.

No, no, she's doing great.

She's flying all over the world

doing some kind of
software thing.

Apparently,
her program controls
all the stoplights in Monaco.

Oh. [chuckles] Good for her.

So, when's she getting in?
'Cause I'd love to say hello.

Well, maybe you can
stop by for a minute,

but, you know, we haven't
seen each other since-- God.

Professor Donnelly's cremation.

We want to spend
as much time together as we can.

Okay?

We'll see about that.

You see the icon
that says "exit"?

Yeah, the one
with the little door.

Just click there and you're out.

No, it's not a problem
at all, Your Highness.

Beep me any time. Bye-bye.

I gave Prince Albert a copy
of Doom when I was in Monaco.

I get this call every night.

Well, I bet
you don't get this every night.

Oh, Jude.

Crème De Menthe
and ginger snaps.

The only thing that's missing
is the Mark Spitz poster and...

Leah Adams.

Oh, Bess, do it for me once.

- No.
- Come on, please, Bess.

All right.

Can I hang with you guys?

Rhonda's blowing Mike again.

I remember Mikey had,
like, the--

Oh, yes.

Okay, okay, my shoes are off,
my answer machine is on.

We are not leaving this couch
until you tell me

everything that's happened
to you in the last five years.

Well, a lot has happened.

Oh, shoot.

It's Leah Adams.

I'm being punished
for imitating her.

- Martin.
- Jude.

- Bess.
- Martin, hi.

Wow, you look great.

I've never stopped loving you.

Needing you.

I wasn't even sure
you'd be around.

But I am around. I'm right here.

Maybe you should think about
leaving because we were
just settling in.

Don't get too settled in.
There's someone else
in the neighborhood.

Steely Dan
at the Garden tonight.

Oh, my God.

Remember when Dealer Bob
got us tickets to see them,

and we drove
all the way to Syracuse,

and it turned out to be
England Dan and John Ford Coley?

When we called him, he swore
that if we got really stoned,

they'd sound exactly the same, right?

Yep, those were the days,

but Bess just flew in,

and I'm sure
she's really exhausted, so...

Actually, I'm still
on West Coast time,

and nobody loves
Steely Dan more than you, Jude.

Well, yeah, but, I don't know,
I just was hoping that--

If you don't want to go,
we can just put
our coats on your seat.

No, we should all go.
Come on, Jude.

We can smuggle in the Crème
De Menthe in the hip flask.

Okay. Oh, okay.

But just let me go
to the bathroom first,

because I don't want to
spend half the concert
waiting in line, so, just...

Go ahead. Move in. Take charge.

So, anyway,
he's going on and on about
covalent bonds or something.

He doesn't even notice
his lab coat has caught on fire.

Well, hello.

I mean, you--
Nobody even said anything?

Nobody could move,
it was, like, slow motion.

Right, when the DA runs in,
right, totally panics,

wraps him up in
the periodic chart, he goes...

Well, hello.

As Dealer Bob used to say,

"I've got to go
empty the Bong Water."

It's right through there, yeah,

just straight ahead
and off to the left there.

Oh, God.

Oh, oh, Martin, thank you.

Thank you so much
for those concert tickets.

I really--
I had such a great time.

Jude, you know,
I was just thinking, you know,

it maybe would be easier
for you if Bess just
stayed here tonight.

- Why?
- Well, you're always doing
for everybody, you know?

When's it going to be your turn?

Why don't you just go home
and have yourself a nice bath?

Oh, well,
thank you for offering,

but I don't think so.

Are you sure?

'Cause Jeremy's bed
is already made and...

She already has her shoes off.
She has to put
her shoes back on,

go back to your place,
take her shoes off.

What the hell
are you talking about?

It's as plain
as the nose on your face.

I forgot how cute you are
when you're out of the loop.

Well, why don't you
just fill me in?

Okay, okay, but I'm surprised
you never noticed.

Ever since college, there's been

this incredible sexual tension
between me and Bess.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But I never did
anything about it,

because you and us.

But now...

Mm-hmm. Okay, Martin.

Give me the beer.
You're already delusional.

One more of these,
you'll be tearing up

and calling everybody "man."

Come on, Bess,
I've got your coat.

You know what, Judith?
It's only ten o'clock for me.

Why don't you go on ahead?

I'll hang here
with Martin for a while,

and then I'll let myself in.

If that's okay
with you, Martin...

No problem. I'm wide awake.

I napped all day at work.

Oh, okay,
if that's what you want.

You don't have to wait up.

I'll get the key
from the doorman.
I'll see you in the morning.

Uh-huh.

Just go with it, Jude.
It's bigger than the both of us.

Well, I guess
this is what's known

as being alone at last.

"He stood in the quad
where he and Jill

had almost kissed last semester.

But--

But now he was alone
in the snow.

And each falling flake
seemed to call her name.

'Jill! Jill! Jill!

Jill?'"

That's beautiful.

I remember the day that it
came out in the Quill and Ink.

- Was Jill Judith?
- No, no, no.

Jill was the one that got away.

That's what I was gonna call it,

but I went
with The Frostbitten Heart.

Mmm.

Is it warm in here?

It won't be long now!

It's probably this lamp.

You know,
it's like a blast furnace.

I have a bit of a confession.

I love you. I love you.

- I love you.
- Confess away.

All night, I've been hoping
to get you alone.

You see, I came
to New York for a reason,

and it's not
what Judith thinks it is.

Well, the Knicks aren't in town,
so it can't be that.

No.

But before I do anything,

I have to make sure that you
and Judith are completely over,

because I wouldn't want
to step on any toes.

Oh, no, no.
We're way, way, way over.

So you step anywhere you like.

There's no way
you're gonna hit a toe.

Okay. Here goes.

Ever since college,

I've always been attracted to

Judith.

Judith?

You can't be
attracted to Judith.

I mean, that would make you a...

- Lisbon.
- Lollipop.

- Jillian La Rue.
- A lesbian.

That's the word
I was looking for.

For years, I tried to write it
off as an adolescent fantasy,

but when you're 35
and you still like girls...

So that's why you're here?

So you can have s--

dates with Judith?

I know she's a little naive,

but I'm surprised
you never picked up

on the incredible sexual tension
whenever we're together.

Apparently not.

Anyway, I wanted
to get your opinion

on whether
Judith might be receptive,

because she and I have
a very special relationship,

and I don't wanna do
anything that would
make her feel uncomfortable.

Look, Judith and I
have a very special
relationship too.

You know, I really don't think
she'd be interested in...

...what you're interested in.

- Really?
- Really.

I mean, in 13 years of marriage,

not once did Judith
ever lesbianize.

I kind of figured
you'd say that,

but I thought I'd ask.

Thanks. You're a sweetheart.

If at first you don't succeed,
try again.

Uh, just out of curiosity.

Do you still ever have sex
with people other than...

- women?
- Once in a while.

But only with someone
I'm really,

really attracted to.

Anyway, I should be going.
Good night.

Jude.

I was just going to call you,
because we've got to talk.

- You have nothing to say to me.
- Actually, that's not true.

Martin, I was just
trying to remember

the last time
I was this angry with you.

You know when it was? Never.

How could you hit on
my best friend?

No, maybe you don't know
your best friend
quite as well as you think.

Oh, well, how could I?

I haven't had
two minutes alone with her.

Just tell me,
what is it, Martin, huh?

Have you finally slept
with every woman in New York?

Because if so,
then go to New Jersey

or Pennsylvania
or American Samoa,

but Bess came
to visit me, not you.

So just butt out.

All right,
but remember, you asked for it.

- You know what?
- Mm.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I was wrong to impose
and I apologize.

Thank you.

You and your best friend

spend all the time
you want together.

I'm the Invisible Man.

I shall have my revenge.

Bess,

I wasn't totally honest
with you last night.

You know, I-- I think Judith
might be interested.

Hmm?

Oh, I just didn't want to
admit it, you know, because
she's my ex-wife and everything.

But if you two
can be happy together,

I do not want
to stand in the way.

You know, so really, I--

I think
it might be worth a shot.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, I gotta go.

Well, everybody
sort of enjoys a practical joke.

- You find everything?
- Yeah.

It's just been
such a great evening.

- I hate to see it end.
- Oh, who says it has to?

Come on in, close the door.
We'll just gab until we nod off.

It's too bad
we don't have a deck of cards.

- We could play spades
for backrubs.
- Oh, you beat me anyway.

- Yeah, that's true.
- Sit up.

No argument here.

Ah, tense anyone?

Oh, God, you know that knot
right there, that little one?

It's a two-minute conversation
with Martin Tupper this morning.

Oh, well, then I guess this knot
has my name on it, too.

Oh, please, I completely
flew off the handle.

I mean,
that I could even suspect
you and Martin! God.

- He's so clearly not your type.
- You're not kidding.

How do you do that?

It's like you have
this sixth sense

about knowing
exactly what I need.

Well, that's because I love you.

Mmm. I love you, too.

Ah.

Oh, Bess,
you have the best hands.

And they're touching my breasts.

- How does it feel?
- Ah.

Like they're touching
my breasts.

Ah. How about some cocoa?

Jude, the real reason Ray and I
broke up is because I'm gay.

Really?

Well, uh,

I don't believe you mentioned
that in your Christmas letter.

Well, I kind of wanted
to tell you in person.

And now I did.

Mmm. Wow. Well, uh--

That's something.

And we should, um--

We should really
talk about it more.

Sometime. Uh.

Tomorrow morning, maybe?

Because, uh...

Well,

right now I am just so sleepy.

Well, it has been a big day.

Mmm. Big. Big.

Big, big, big.

So, do you want me to leave?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, stay or leave or whatever.

Because, you know,
I'm practically asleep.

- Night, Bess.
- Night.

I've been conducting
an experiment.

Hi, Thelma. How are you?

- My son's out of prison.
- Great. Great. Is Judith here?

She's still in the sack.

Uh, I'll get it.

Hey, sleepy head.

Rise and shine.

I just wanted to see
how you're evening went.

- Martin?
- Hi.

Oh.

In bed? Together?

Were they naked?

It's like the whole world
has turned upside down.

What's next? What's next?

Are they gonna repeal
the laws of gravity?

So, I wonder who was the man.

I know Bess has more experience,

but Judith has that
real bossy streak to her.

Cut it out, will ya? Cut it out.
Maybe nothing happened.

You know,
maybe they're just lying there.

Come on, man. They're women.

I mean,
they're all basically bi.

Given the chance.
Think about it.

- Ooh.
- That's it. That's it. Get out.

What? What? What about lunch?

Buy yourself a hot dog
and a women's golf magazine.
Just get out.

Hey, Judith. What's new?

Oh, nothing.

Martin, I've been
calling you all morning.
Why haven't you called me back?

- Well, because...
- I've been trying to avoid you.

...because Eddie and I
have been very busy
making lunch plans,

and it's just about time
to put them into action.

Eddie, this is important.
Do you mind?

Oh, no. No, no.

I'll go and get us a table.

Martin, I just really need
to talk to you

about this thing with Bess.

There's nothing to talk about,
Jude, two women curled up
in the same bed.

It pretty much
speaks for itself.

Yeah, well, I guess that must
have looked a little unusual.

No, no, no, no.

You went down on another woman.
Happens all the time.

- I did not go down on her.
- Oh, good idea. Good idea.

Hold out until she asks you
to the spring formal.

I can't believe
you're acting this way.

Me? I'm not the one
who's acting weird.

When you came in here,
did I have my tongue down
Eddie's throat?

Oh, for God's sakes, Martin,

can't you see that
I'm falling apart here?

I mean,
my shoes don't even match.

I can't go home to change them
because I might run into Bess

and I don't know
what to say to her.

I came here thinking
that I could talk to you,

but obviously...
...I can't.

Every time I open a big mouth,
I put a stick of dynamite in it.

Bess, what are you doing?

This has nothing to do
with last night.

Uh, uh, Thelma,

why don't you just
take the rest of the day off?

Okey-doke.

I have to catch a 5:30 flight.

The Haitian government's
database index is out of sync.

You'd think that would be
the least of their problems.

Could you just sit down
with me for a few minutes?

I really feel like
we need to talk.

I think that's a good idea.

You have to be a big man
to admit you've been wrong.

They're in there.
I'm going to High Line.

Oh, Bess,
how can I explain this?

You're my soulmate.

I've always felt the same way.

If you had had a penis,

I probably would have
married you instead of Martin.

- Martin, wha--
- What is it with you, Bess? Huh?

You come in here with your--

your slacks and try to convert
her to your coven of Amazons,

like some
kind of lesbian missionary.

All right,
I think you should go now.

- What? So you two can go spoon?
- What is it with you?

Why are you
so threatened all of a sudden?

Threatened?
Let me tell you
something, sister.

I have a penis, and you don't.

Even if you did, I'd still be
as much of a man as you are.

You know what I mean,
and I'm not sure do.

Judith, I don't care what urges

you think
you may have right now.

Oh, the only urge
I'm having right now

is to smash
a vase over your head.

I am not a lesbian.

I have never been one,
and I never will be.

I was really hoping
that would come out
a little more gracefully.

- Sometimes bluntness is--
- Shut up, Martin.

Bess, what I'm trying to say
is that I care about you a lot.

Emotionally,
spiritually, just not...

breast-touchingly.

And God, I hope
what I'm saying isn't horrible,

because I just--

I really, really don't want this
to get in the way
of our friendship.

Jude, I understand.

If you're not wired for it,
you're not wired for it.

I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't disappointed,

but I'm sorry if I made you
feel uncomfortable.

And don't worry, I would
never let this affect us.

I guess that derails
your little train, doesn't it?

Martin,
what's with this attitude?

You're the one who told me
Judith would be up for it.

- Oh, yeah, it slipped my mind.
- You told her what?

Come on, we were just chatting,
and she probably
just took it the wrong way.

Come off, you called me up
to give me your blessing.

I think
we're all missing the point.

What's at issue here is that I--

That Bess has
a plane to catch, and I'm...

just gonna grab those bags.

Don't touch those bags.

I am taking my best friend
to the airport.

You can show yourself out.

Thank you.

That'll work too.

Perhaps this
will be a lesson to you,

Mr. Practical Joker.

...an invisible man.

Well, look here.
You put more water...

Is there a reason
you're in my bed?

I was just waiting for you
to come home to--

To what? Hmm?

Protect me
from Julie and Jill next door

in case they ask me
to be in a threesome?

Julie and Jill are lesbians?

I thought they were twins.

Jude, I just
wanted to apologize.

I thought the chances
of you stopping by

for a nightcap were
you know, kind of slim.

First of all,
I am furious with you.

And second, use a coaster.

Sorry about the glass.

I'm sorry about hitting on Bess,
and I'm sorry about
telling Bess to hit on you,

and basically I'm just sorry
about the last 72 hours.

All right,
just help me out here.

What exactly was going through

that very troubled
mind of yours?

I don't know. I don't know.

You know, I guess I was jealous.

- First I was horny,
and then I was jealous.
- Jealous?

How could you think
that I would have

a sexual relationship with Bess?

It wasn't just
the lesbian thing,

you know, although
I didn't enjoy that so much.

But I've been hearing
all this talk

about you two
being best friends,

you know, and soulmates.

Yeah, well, we are.

So the whole time
we were married, you were just
closing your eyes

and imagining
Bess's face on my body?

Oh, God,
even you can't be that insecure.

- You want to bet?
- Of course not.

But I like to think
that for the last 20 years,

I've been more to you
than just a...
a penis.

Martin, don't be ridiculous.

God, I haven't even used
your penis in ages.

Every time I want
to celebrate something
or cry about something,

or just hang out and watch
old movies, who do I call?

- Me?
- See?

You're more than just a penis.

Sometimes you act like one.

- You forgive me?
- Of course I forgive you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I just want you to know
that you've always been

- more to me than just a--
- Thank you. Martin.

Want some rice pudding?

It's Bess is favorite,
and I have a ton of it left.

Sure. Sure.

- Wasn't much of a visit, was it?
- Oh, it's okay.

No, we're spending
Christmas together in Maui.

Sounds great.