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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:33,326 Okay, okay, I got it, I got it. 2 00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:37,364 The Cooper Hewitt Museum is having an exhibit on the history of staplers. 3 00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:38,765 Nope. 4 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,234 How about this, "Watch Your Head, 5 00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:44,270 a guided tour through the homes of New York's most affluent little people." 6 00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,007 I don't think so. 7 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,641 What-- I thought you said 8 00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,710 you wanted to do something different. 9 00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:53,913 No, I said I wanted to do something exciting. 10 00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:55,015 Well-- 11 00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:01,087 Oh, God. 12 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,260 Now, Martin, now. 13 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,105 You're amazing. 14 00:02:19,105 --> 00:02:20,840 I'm almost there. 15 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:30,784 Maybe we should try a different position. 16 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,018 Bend over. 17 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:36,690 Martin, I'm starting to get a little worn out. 18 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,192 Why don't I try something else? 19 00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:42,262 Huh? 20 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,699 I come no more. 21 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:46,966 You faked it? 22 00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:49,336 Shh. 23 00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,872 I didn't want her to feel inadequate. 24 00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:55,275 Wow. Did you ever fake it with me? 25 00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,044 Yes, yes, all the time. Even when we conceived Jeremy. 26 00:02:58,044 --> 00:02:59,946 Sorry. So have you seen a doctor? 27 00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:02,315 Yes, and he said there's nothing wrong with my... 28 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,584 - Johnson - ...equipment. 29 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:08,054 Jared. 30 00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:10,457 Well, well, I didn't know you were working today. 31 00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:12,559 You know, you were just so great in that show. 32 00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:14,961 You were just mesmerizing. 33 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:17,364 Thank you, and thanks for the roses. 34 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:21,234 Oh, yeah, uh, Martin, Jared's doing a one-man show 35 00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:22,669 called Ticket to Ride. 36 00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:25,638 It's about Mal Evans, the Beatles' bus driver. 37 00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:27,707 He was called the eighth Beatle. 38 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,943 Oh, do that thing where you pull over, would you? 39 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,911 - Okay. - Watch. It's incredible. 40 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:36,516 Sorry, John. We've got to pull over. 41 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:38,518 Ringo's got to piss again. 42 00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:42,922 That's great. Now can we see how you get some Parmesan cheese? 43 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:46,826 Judith... 44 00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:49,162 Judith, do you think you can turn your attention 45 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,364 from his butt to my penis for just a minute? 46 00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:53,600 Sorry. 47 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,236 Listen, Martin, failure to ejaculate 48 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,338 is a common problem for men, 49 00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:00,540 but I think if you just don't worry about it, 50 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,610 it'll-- it'll just go away, eventually. 51 00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,879 Eventually? Well, when? 52 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,580 When? A month, a year? I'll-- 53 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:12,018 I'll go nuts, come on, I-- I need help. 54 00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,820 Well, you could talk to a therapist. 55 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:17,190 I'm talking to one right now, so come on, Judith, fix me. 56 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:19,025 Martin, you know I can't treat you. 57 00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:21,094 Then can you give me the name of someone who can? 58 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,395 Someone who specializes in... 59 00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:24,330 - Dick? - ...this sort of thing? 60 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,966 Well, I'll look into it. 61 00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:28,034 Ah! 62 00:04:29,869 --> 00:04:32,072 Here's your bleeding cheese, mate, 63 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,873 and good luck with your little problem. 64 00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:38,678 If I don't stop laughing, 65 00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:40,847 I'll have to go to the bathroom. 66 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,490 So, you're having some trouble achieving orgasm? 67 00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:53,226 Not some trouble, a lot of trouble. 68 00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:55,762 You know, it's pretty much an all-or-nothing thing. 69 00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:57,464 Are you hungry? 70 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,065 How about some trail mix? 71 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:01,568 It's my own blend. 72 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,904 Personally, I don't like coconut, 73 00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:08,208 but I do enjoy picking it out as I go. 74 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,510 Uh, no, no. Thank you. 75 00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,179 How about masturbating? 76 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,450 - What? - Do you have an orgasm when you're masturbating? 77 00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:20,220 Well, I-- I don't really masturbate. 78 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,324 Well, last week I accidentally happened to masturbate, 79 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,494 but it didn't work out so well. 80 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,561 I see. 81 00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,631 How many sexual relationships 82 00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:34,300 would you say you've had in your life? 83 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:35,368 Uh... 84 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:38,438 6,100. 85 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:41,274 I don't know, an average number. 86 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,810 And how long are you usually involved with a woman 87 00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:46,346 before you become sexually active? 88 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,814 Um... 89 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:48,982 Forty-three seconds. 90 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,850 I try to really take my time 91 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,552 and-- and get to know the person. 92 00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:55,689 So in other words, you have frequent sexual encounters, 93 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,558 usually of a superficial nature. 94 00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,694 And that makes you uncomfortable enough 95 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,762 that you feel you have to lie about it. 96 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,535 Basically, yeah, that, uh-- That about sums it up. 97 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:11,004 I'm gonna schedule you for twice a week. 98 00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:15,041 Twice a week? Is-- is that really necessary? 99 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,976 No, but if you don't, 100 00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:20,080 you'll just have to live with your problem twice as long. 101 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,348 Well... 102 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,920 ...I'll clear my calendar. 103 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:34,461 Uh, Foreign Affairs and a cherry lollipop. 104 00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,062 Thanks. 105 00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:40,700 This is last month's. Do you have the new one? 106 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,068 Okay. 107 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,870 Since when do you read Psychology Today? 108 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:46,906 Well, my therapist wrote an article on sublimation. 109 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,342 You know, I used to think that psychologists would... 110 00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:56,216 ...not for me, but, uh, I don't know, Joanna's great. 111 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,418 You know, I've had some amazing breakthroughs. 112 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,686 Really? Like what? 113 00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:01,454 Well, first we discussed that I still 114 00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:02,722 might be hung up on you. 115 00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:04,090 Ah, no, that makes sense. 116 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,459 But then she made me realize that our marriage 117 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,795 is just another in a series of empty relationships. 118 00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:11,531 Sort of like a 12-year one-night stand. 119 00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:14,534 You know, Martin, there are a lot of therapists. 120 00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,036 Maybe you should shop around a little. 121 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:19,005 Are you kidding? I would never miss a session with her. 122 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,509 Next week we're using hypnosis. 123 00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,544 We're gonna uncover some painful childhood trauma. 124 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:26,146 - Mmm, that sounds fun. - Yeah. 125 00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,448 Sorry. That issue isn't here yet. 126 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,849 Oh. Do you know when it's gonna be in? 127 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,051 How the hell do I know? 128 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,552 It's all controlled by the mafia. 129 00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:37,157 Don't tell them I said that. 130 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,758 They'll kill us both. 131 00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:39,893 Nutty as a fruitcake. 132 00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,063 Thanks-- thanks for your help. 133 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,670 Okay, Martin. 134 00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:52,572 You're drifting back. 135 00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:56,242 You're ten years old, eight years old. 136 00:07:56,242 --> 00:07:58,445 The years are falling away. 137 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,246 I want you to picture yourself 138 00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:02,782 back in the town where you grew up. 139 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,388 Now, Martin... 140 00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:13,660 some people may have asked you to keep secrets, 141 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:16,396 but it's okay to tell me. 142 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:17,831 Do you have any secrets? 143 00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,802 My mommy. 144 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,104 Your mommy what? 145 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,705 Picture your mommy. 146 00:08:26,706 --> 00:08:28,308 What is your mommy doing? 147 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:33,446 My mommy steals tchotchkes from Gimbles. 148 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:37,050 Okay, that's one secret. 149 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,352 Is there a bigger secret? 150 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:42,188 Maybe a secret that happens when you're naked? 151 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,992 I touch myself. 152 00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:48,461 - Where? - In the bathtub. 153 00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:51,498 Picture yourself in the bathtub. 154 00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,366 Is there someone there with you? 155 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:57,337 No, no, I'm all by myself. 156 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,305 Are you sure, Martin? 157 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,575 Maybe there's someone there with you. 158 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,445 Concentrate, Martin. 159 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,247 Is there someone washing you? 160 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,050 Touching you? 161 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,985 Maybe tickling you? 162 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,387 - Someone tickles me. - Yes. 163 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:17,157 Picture yourself in the tub. 164 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,225 Someone's tickling you. 165 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,293 Who is it? 166 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,295 Tippy-Top tickles me. 167 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,563 Who? 168 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,199 Tippy-Top. 169 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,568 Tell me about Tippy-Top. 170 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,304 He has a sailor suit. 171 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,506 Don't you like me as an old salt? 172 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,675 You little landlubber, you. 173 00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:38,445 Cut it out, Tippy-Top. 174 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,414 - Tippy-Top, you know what? - What? 175 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,250 - You're my only friend. - Me? 176 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,220 ♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪ 177 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,989 ♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪ 178 00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,525 ♪ Tippy-Top feels my feelings ♪ 179 00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,294 ♪ Deep inside of me ♪ 180 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,362 Okay, Martin. 181 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,731 ♪ Tippy-Top is a person ♪ 182 00:09:57,731 --> 00:10:00,100 - Okay, Martin. - ♪ Real as he can be ♪ 183 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,702 Okay, Martin, you're waking up. 184 00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:07,340 I want you to remember everything we talked about. 185 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:08,942 You're safe and alert. 186 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:16,783 How do you feel? 187 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:21,688 Safe and alert. 188 00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:26,760 Martin, who is Tippy-Top? 189 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,762 - I don't know. - Your father? 190 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:29,929 No. 191 00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:32,298 You said he was dressed like a sailor. 192 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:35,835 Is there anyone in your family who was a sailor or in the navy? 193 00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,972 My family? What, are you kidding? 194 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,306 Think, Martin. 195 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:43,143 Uh, well, my Uncle Roy 196 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,612 used to take me and my father out on his fishing boat, 197 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:48,948 and then he made me bait a hook, and I threw up in the ice chest. 198 00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:51,217 Uh-huh, interesting. 199 00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:55,288 Did your Uncle Roy ever give you a bath? 200 00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,691 Well, I don't know, maybe. 201 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,995 What? What-- What are you writing? 202 00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:07,634 Martin, this may be difficult for you to hear, 203 00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:10,570 but I think we've uncovered a repressed memory 204 00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:13,373 of your Uncle Roy molesting you as a child. 205 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,609 You little landlubber, you. 206 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,278 Cut it out, Tippy-Top. 207 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,513 That's-- that's crazy. 208 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,750 Martin, all the symptoms are there. 209 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,952 And I think it's this repressed memory 210 00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:29,122 that's interfering with your ability to experience sex 211 00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:30,490 as an act of pleasure. 212 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,059 That doesn't make sense. 213 00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:35,528 I used to orgasm all the time, just like that. 214 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:41,901 The mind is a mysterious thing. 215 00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:45,372 We never know when or how a repressed memory 216 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,273 will manifest itself. 217 00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:49,576 I think you're making a big mistake. 218 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,378 This is a lot to digest, Martin. 219 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,447 Why don't you think about it, and I'll see you next Wednesday. 220 00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:57,550 I don't ever want to see you again. 221 00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,587 Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. 222 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,902 Marty, darling, I want you to know I woke up this morning, 223 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,571 I looked in the mirror, you know what I says? 224 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,074 I always seem to have a great deal of trouble 225 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,209 putting on those little rubber panties. 226 00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:24,878 No, Libby, what? 227 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:28,281 I says, "Libby, today you're gonna make Marty Tupper 228 00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,950 the most successful editor in the business." 229 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:34,387 And when I say "the business," I mean, oh, the industry. 230 00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,690 Well, thanks for clarifying that. 231 00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:37,891 Uh, what have you got? 232 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,559 Brace yourself, Marty, 233 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:43,196 for the most exciting adventure in the entire Tippy-Top series. 234 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,966 - Did I hear it right? - Yeah, but it ain't right. 235 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:49,669 The-- the what series? 236 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:52,772 The Lillian series, Marty, you remember? 237 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,575 The latest of my oeuvre is called 238 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,144 Lillian Has an Affair with the Gardener 239 00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:02,282 as Revenge for Her Husband Doing God Knows What. 240 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,251 It all starts when Lillian says... 241 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:08,488 ♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪ 242 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,990 ♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪ 243 00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:12,959 You know I dislike that song. 244 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,261 Why is Lillian singing that? 245 00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:18,098 What? She's not singing. 246 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,332 But she could be. 247 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,101 Would you buy the book if she was singing? 248 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:25,005 Okay, two coffees, one with Tippy-Top, and extra Tippy-Top, 249 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,107 and the other with just Tippy-Top. 250 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,442 No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. 251 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,644 Toby, why-- why are you saying that? 252 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,280 You see, this is why I don't bring him coffee. 253 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,849 No good ever comes of it. 254 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,550 Martin, I just saw the Tippy-Top galleys, 255 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,753 and I have to say, they look Tippy-Top. 256 00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:41,955 In fact, Gibby asked me to tell you that... 257 00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,624 ♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪ 258 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:47,160 ♪ Tippy-Top tickles me, ho-ho! ♪ 259 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,729 ♪ Tippy-Top feels my feelings ♪ 260 00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:51,998 ♪ Deep inside of me ♪ 261 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:54,801 They're driving batty. 262 00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:57,037 Marty, you okay? 263 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,040 Yeah, you're looking white as a Tippy-Top. 264 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,942 Uh, excuse me. 265 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,383 You've got to do something. 266 00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,719 Everywhere I go, I hear that song, it's like being 267 00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:14,888 trapped in a fucking Dr. Pepper commercial. 268 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:18,158 Martin, put down the trail mix 269 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,325 before you spill it. 270 00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:28,535 This is a very common symptom. 271 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,338 Now that we've brought your memory to the surface, 272 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:34,741 your subconscious is just urging you to reach closure. 273 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,743 Closure? Closure, right, right. 274 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,144 How-- how do you do that? 275 00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:40,847 Well, by confronting your Uncle Roy. 276 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:47,153 I can't. He's dead. 277 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:50,757 That's right. He's dead, and I'm fucked. 278 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:53,226 I'll never reach closure, and I'll never reach orgasm. 279 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,296 Why don't you just cut off my dick, and donate it to science? 280 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,531 Martin, don't panic. 281 00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:01,368 There is one other way to reach closure. 282 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,870 - Uh-huh. - It's a little unorthodox. 283 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,106 Oh, no, no, I don't care, I don't care. 284 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,173 I'll do anything. 285 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,777 I'm not sure about this. 286 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,048 Martin, role playing is the only option. 287 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,150 As long as we're role playing, can't the couch play 288 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,651 the role of the tub, and I'll just... 289 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,320 Leave the country and forget you ever knew me. 290 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,521 ...put on some clothes? 291 00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,624 Come on now, into the tub with you. 292 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,767 Off with the shorts. 293 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,769 For you, I have sacrificed my dignity. 294 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,940 Now, which of these feel right? 295 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,308 Uh... 296 00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,379 I guess the-- the battleship, 297 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:50,483 and-- and the PT boat. 298 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,485 Okay. 299 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,056 Now, we have to reenact this 300 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,191 exactly the way you remember it. 301 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,361 Now, let's begin. 302 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:11,471 Hello, Martin. I'm your Uncle Roy. 303 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,874 But you can call me Tippy-Top. 304 00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,444 Ahoy! 305 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,880 Hello, Tippy-Top. 306 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,983 Do you like me as an old salt? 307 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,954 You know what, Tippy-Top? 308 00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:28,988 What? 309 00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:32,092 You're my only friend. 310 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,293 Me? 311 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:35,495 ♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪ 312 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:39,065 ♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪ 313 00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:42,202 ♪ Tippy-Top feels my feelings ♪ 314 00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,571 ♪ Deep inside of me ♪ 315 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,906 You little landlubber, you. 316 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,877 Now, Martin. 317 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:54,180 Uh, stop, stop it, Uncle Roy! 318 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,216 That kind of touching is wrong. 319 00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,953 You are invading my personal space, and it makes me uncomfortable. 320 00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:02,288 Martin, you're right. 321 00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,657 I was wrong to touch you, 322 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,494 but I am a sick, sick person, 323 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,263 and I need to seek professional help. 324 00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:14,034 I'm very sorry. And thank you, Martin. 325 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,074 That's it? 326 00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,577 Do you think I'll be able to... 327 00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:29,816 notice the difference? 328 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,918 Why don't you hold off sex for a while 329 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,753 till we have a chance to talk this through? 330 00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:37,157 - Fine. - And I'll see you Monday. 331 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:42,629 You were naked? 332 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,531 Well, we were role-playing. 333 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:47,600 In some cases, that's the only option you have for reaching closure. 334 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,003 I don't know, it sounds a little radical to me, 335 00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:52,572 but, you know, if you feel like you're making progress-- 336 00:17:54,708 --> 00:17:57,777 So, have you ejaculated yet? 337 00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,846 It'll speed things up if you'll give me a hand. 338 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,682 No, no, not yet, but I have stopped hallucinating, 339 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,384 which I guess, is the next best thing. 340 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,856 Uh, well, what do you want to drink? 341 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,493 Uh, I got beer and... 342 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,530 ...salad dressing. 343 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,532 Would you like me as an old salt? 344 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:21,968 You little landlubber, you. 345 00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,770 Cut it out, Tippy-Top. 346 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:24,938 It's beginning again. 347 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,940 Did you say something? 348 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,375 Martin, come here quick. 349 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,377 - You're my only friend. - Me? 350 00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:33,013 ♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪ 351 00:18:33,013 --> 00:18:35,782 ♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪ 352 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,684 What the hell is this? 353 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,686 "The golden age of television. 354 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:42,522 Red Buttons and Ronnie Howard star in the delightful musical 355 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:46,026 about a boy and his imaginary friend, Tippy-Top." 356 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:50,630 That's not me. That's fucking Opie! 357 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:54,234 This never happened to me. My therapist is a fucking idiot. 358 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,036 Yeah, well, I can't say I'm surprised. 359 00:18:56,036 --> 00:18:59,506 When she called me a one-night stand, I knew she was a quack. 360 00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:02,409 ♪ Mysterious as he ♪ 361 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:05,345 ♪ Tippy-top is a person ♪ 362 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:07,881 ♪ Real as he can be ♪ 363 00:19:07,881 --> 00:19:11,184 Okay, Stan, go back. 364 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,219 You're in your room. 365 00:19:13,219 --> 00:19:16,222 Your father is there yelling at you, 366 00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:18,258 making you feel small. 367 00:19:19,793 --> 00:19:21,695 You are a goddamn moron! 368 00:19:21,695 --> 00:19:24,230 Don't yell at me, it wasn't my fault! 369 00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:27,867 - Oh, shut up! - I didn't mean to break your precious lawn mower. 370 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,302 Would you shut up? 371 00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:30,870 Martin, what are you doing here? 372 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:32,405 I just thought I'd let you know, 373 00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:35,508 Tippy-Top wasn't my Uncle Roy. Tippy-top was Red Buttons. 374 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:39,112 What? You were molested by Red Buttons? 375 00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:40,580 - No-- - Me? 376 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,916 No, no, no, it's just a stupid TV show 377 00:19:42,916 --> 00:19:44,250 I saw when I was a kid. 378 00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:46,319 Nothing ever happened. My uncle never touched me. 379 00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,054 He didn't even look like Red Buttons. 380 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:50,223 You're not my father. Who are you? 381 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:53,560 Just some sucker she ripped off for 1,500 bucks. 382 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,994 Martin, I know you're upset, 383 00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:57,063 but this is highly inappropriate. 384 00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,698 I'll tell you about inappropriate. 385 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,401 You tickled me while I was naked in a bathtub. 386 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,602 I don't want to do that. 387 00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,270 I'm just here for my eczema. 388 00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:06,806 Who molested him, huh? Ward Cleaver? 389 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:08,808 Maybe I should just go home now. 390 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:11,444 I can use the cream till next week. 391 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:14,914 Martin, even if you saw this on TV, 392 00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:18,385 it can be just as traumatic as a firsthand experience. 393 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,821 Perhaps we should discuss your overdeveloped sense of empathy. 394 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:24,290 Don't give me that psycho voodoo crap, 395 00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:25,392 I want my money back! 396 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,627 I tell you what. 397 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,262 I'll give you a full refund 398 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,830 if you let me use your case study. 399 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,232 What? 400 00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:35,301 I'm writing a book on repressed memory syndrome. 401 00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:38,171 I need ten cases. You're the tenth. 402 00:20:38,171 --> 00:20:40,073 No, no, I'll tell you what. 403 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,142 You write me a check for 1500 bucks, 404 00:20:42,142 --> 00:20:43,977 and maybe I won't sue your ass. 405 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,349 Fair enough. Come in tomorrow, and I'll cut you a check. 406 00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:50,984 Put it in the mail. 407 00:20:53,787 --> 00:20:56,322 I never want to see your face again. 408 00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:04,130 And now that that's decided, this meeting is adjourned. 409 00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:20,547 - Martin, you're like an animal. - Well... 410 00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:24,384 It's been a long time since any human being came into this hut. 411 00:21:24,384 --> 00:21:26,186 ...you're just so beautiful. 412 00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:29,789 Oh! 413 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,659 - Off with the shorts. - The-- 414 00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:34,227 Off with the shorts. 415 00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:37,897 Martin, is something wrong? 416 00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:41,668 No, no, no, no, no, I'm fine. 417 00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:51,611 Martin, what's the matter? 418 00:21:51,611 --> 00:21:53,513 You little landlubber. 419 00:21:53,513 --> 00:21:57,317 You little landlubber, you little landlubber, you. 420 00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:58,852 Huh? 421 00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:09,629 ♪ Tippy-Top Is just tippy-top with me ♪ 422 00:22:09,629 --> 00:22:12,399 ♪ Tippy-top with me ♪ 423 00:22:12,399 --> 00:22:14,134 ♪ Tippity-top ♪ 424 00:22:14,134 --> 00:22:16,836 ♪ With me ♪ 30640

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