All language subtitles for Daria - S03E07 - It Happened One Nut

- All right,
here are the results

of your career aptitude tests.

Perhaps they'll help you avoid
whiskey-soaked decades

wondering what might have been

if only you'd had the guts

to follow your dream
of a life at sea.

- That's right.
Let it out.

- Just make sure
you clean up after.

- My congratulations, miss Lane.

You've done it again.

- Perfect record.

I've gotten the same thing
three years in a row.

- Accountant?

- That's what happens
when you fill in

the letter "c" for every answer.

Gets the whole test over
within five minutes.

- You mean you didn't even
try to answer the questions?

- Questions?
What questions?

What'd you get?

- Let's see.

- Don't worry about it.

How much can they tell
from a standardized test?

I've had fortune cookies
that were more accurate.

- Petroleum dispen--
dispensation?

Hey-hey!
I'm gonna be an oil typhoon.

- Oh, kevy, that's great!

- Sound it out, Kevin.

This says you'll be pumping gas
at a filling station.

- I'm gonna be a gas jockey
for the rest of my life?

- Ew!

- Then again,

sometimes these tests
can be absolutely uncanny.

- Ahem.

Does anyone notice anything
special about me?

- Yes,
from just the right angle,

I really can
see through your head.

- Daria, please.

What are we supposed to notice,
honey?

- My neck.

I got my career aptitude
test results at school today,

and they said I have a future

as a neck model
for jewelry catalogs.

- So your head would serve
as sort of an accent piece.

- I think it's wonderful

that you're thinking
about the future, Quinn,

but you've got far more to offer
than your neck.

- Yes, what about
the untapped potential

of your shapely wrists?

- Daria, did you take
a career aptitude test?

- I don't remember.

- So I have to call the school
to get your results?

- If you so choose.

- Or maybe I'll just
drop by in person,

bring you a surprise snack
for your lunch box,

pop into class,
and give it to you myself.

- All right.
All right.

That's check and mate.

- A mortician?

- Hey, it's not my fault.

Neck model was already taken.

- "Your lack of interest
in personal interaction

makes you an ideal candidate
for working with the dead"?

Daria, have you given any
thought to your career plans?

- I guess I'll just wait around
for people to kick the bucket.

- I can't believe
you're not more ambitious.

- You want me to kill people
to drum up business?

- Daria!

- Daddy, can I have some money
for pictures of my neck?

- Why, sure, honey.

Pictures of your neck,
great idea.

I'll just run down to the bank
right now.

- Jake, you're not giving Quinn
any money.

- Can I go to the bank anyway?

- Sit down, Jake.

- But I need $500
to put together a portfolio.

- Quinn, if you want
that kind of money,

you can take a job and earn it.

- A job?

But the stress
could put wrinkles on my neck.

- Tell me about it.

And if Quinn's getting a job,
daria,

you can get one too.

I want you to get an idea

of what the working world
is about

so you can take an interest
in your future.

- And give up studying
for the priesthood?

- It says on this form

that they have peer counseling
at your school.

Either you get a job
or you get some counseling

to improve your people skills.

- Well, I guess counseling
would take up less of my time.

- Daddy, I don't have
any work clothes.

Can I have $500
for some new outfits?

- Is that the doorbell?

- Oh.

- You're that girl
from Quinn's house.

- Are you getting counseling
too?

- I'm the counselor.

It's volunteer work

to help the socially challenged.

- You're gonna counsel me?

Of course.

It's some kind of cosmic payback

for being too ironic.

Okay, is this gonna take long?

- "You too...

"Can learn...

To make..."

- Yes?
- "Friends.

"Making friends"--

- why don't I read that
to myself?

That way, we can both be
out of here before we graduate.

- "Making friends is"...

- Fun?

Interesting?
Impossible?

- "Important.

Friends can be very"...

- Useful?

Supportive?

Purple?
What?

- You made me lose my place.

Let's see.

"Making friends...

Is important."

- Now they're making me
look for a job.

- I thought you said
they gave you a choice.

- It's been 24 hours
since I met with Tiffany.

As far as I know,
she's still there counseling me.

- So what kind of job
are you thinking about?

- The kind
that's already been taken.

They said
I had to look for a job.

They didn't say
I had to find one.

- Yeah, I don't even
see any jobs available.

- Well, no sense
pushing our luck.

Cheese fries?
- Sounds good.

- Daria,
how did the job hunt go?

- It was really rough.

I looked everywhere

and couldn't find
a single thing.

- How can that be?
Unemployment is at a record low.

- That's the problem.

Everybody's working,
and all the jobs are filled.

- Guess what?

I found a job
the first place I looked:

The pet store in the mall.

- Are you sure it's a job?

Maybe they're just trying
to find you a good home.

- And I've only got one night

to coordinate my animal print
nail Polish.

- Daria, you're not dedicated

to finding a job at all,
are you?

- On the contrary.

I'm willing to spend
as long as it takes:

Weeks, months, years--

- hey, daria, I got you a job!

- Frankly, daria,

this is not what I consider
an ideal situation.

- That's funny, I'm in heaven.

- Because your father consults
for our national office,

my regional manager asked me
to give you a try-out,

but quite honestly,
I don't like nepotism.

And I don't like cronyism.

- Where do you stand
on vandalism?

- You get the same chance
as everyone else:

No more, no less.

I need my workers to think,
sleep, eat, and breathe nuts.

Only those who make it through
my rigorous screening process

are fit to represent
my merchandise to the public.

- Hey, hey.
How's it going?

I'm here to apply for a job.

- Can you bag nuts?
- Sure.

- You're hired.
- Cool.

Hey, daria.

- Each customer must be greeted
with our trademark slogan.

"Welcome to it's a nutty, nutty,
nutty world.

"We're just nuts about nuts.

"Crunch nuts with your lunch,

"buy them by the bunch,

send them to friends far away
to munch."

Now repeat that
so I know you've learned it.

- Welcome to...
- Have some nuts.

- It's a nutty, nutty,
nutty world.

- Crunch munch nuts.

- World of...
- We're just nuts about nuts.

- Nuts.

- You almost had that.

Try again after me.

Welcome to it's a nutty, nutty,
nutty world.

- Uh, like,
welcome to nuts world?

- Nutty, nutty, nutty world.

- Uh, nuts world nutty, nutty.

Um... uh, lunch?
- No!

- Hey, don't worry.

I'll get it right
for the customers.

- Just don't forget to smile.

Remember our guarantee:

If we don't smile,
the nuts are free.

And those free nuts
come out of your paychecks.

So come on, smile big, wide.
Let's see them.

Let's take a break.

- Let me guess.

This is your way of moving up
from pumping gas.

- Yeah.

I mean, that test was, like,
a wakeup call.

I got to think about the future.

I need a serious job with,
like, a serious career path.

- This is serious, all right.

- You got to take special care
of the animals.

Believe me,
when you neglect them,

they don't let you forget it.

- Eww!

Mr. Matthews, are you sure
these animals are safe?

- Ho-ho, sure they are.

Wouldn't hurt a fly.

Not even joanne.

- Joanne?

- My $1,000
prize boa constrictor.

Don't you have
any cuter animals here?

Those are the ones
I aspire to work with.

- I'll introduce you
to everyone.

Those are Maria and Pedro,
my two iguanas.

They need exactly
3 1/4 teaspoons of water

every 45 minutes.

These are my canaries--

be sure not to breathe too hard
on them--

Travis, mavis, Venus, Elvis,
cloris, clovis, and posh.

Got the names?
- Oh, yes.

- Great!
Then come meet the goldfish.

- Huh.

- Okay, kids,
let's do some business.

Remember, no unauthorized
personnel behind the counter.

And most of all,
smile, smile, smile,

or the nuts are free.

- Whoa!
Free nuts!

- Uh, Kevin,
he meant for the customers.

- Huh?

- Welcome to it's a nutty,
nutty, nutty world.

We're just nuts about nuts.

Crunch nuts with your lunch--

- yeah, can I get a bag
of pistachios?

- Okay.

Hold on a second.

There.

- Wow, you did it.
You sold a bag of nuts.

- That's right, Kevin.

I'm so happy you were here
to share it with me.

- Hi, welcome to nutty world.

Hi, there,
welcome to nutty world.

We're just crunching our lunch
and sending our nuts--

uh, daria,
what comes next again?

- Bankruptcy court.

- Can I get
two pounds of almonds, please?

- Sure thing, ma'am.

Hey, daria, which ones
were the almonds again?

- These.
Right here.

The ones with the sign that says
"almonds" on them.

That's the same word
on the sign over there

with the picture
of the almond on it.

- Oh, yeah, right, thanks.

So where did you point again?

- I'd like my nuts, please.

- Hang on.

- Here, birdies,

come get your birdseed.

- What was that?

Did I hear you say oops?

Oh, my god,
I only see six canaries.

Where's Travis?
- Um...

A nice old lady just walked in
and bought him.

She brought her own cage.

- Fantastic.
Keep up the good work, Quinn.

Great, now I'm a whole bird
further away from my photos.

- Wow!
That's your third sale.

I thought you brains
only knew about school stuff,

but, like, you know
how to sell nuts too.

Amazing.

- Yes, Kevin,
you'd be surprised how handy

a command
of basic literacy skills can be.

- Kevin, what are you doing?

Angie told me she saw you here

giving some lady a bag of nuts
and smiling your head off.

You know women
can't resist your smiles.

- But, babe,
I got to smile at everyone.

It's part of my job.

- Oh, kevy.

It's just for the job, right?

- Sure, babe.
I promise.

Okay, but this sign says
a smile--just one.

If I catch you giving more
than one smile to a customer,

you're quitting.

- Now you're making me smile.

Figuratively speaking.

- I need four pounds of walnuts.

- Do you think he's smiling
at you because he wants to?

He's not, you know.

They're making him.
- Huh?

- World of crunch lunch nuts.

Munch the nutty, nutty?

- So how was the first day
on the job?

- It went great.

The animals love me.

- I heard a canary got caught

in the air filtration system
at the mall.

You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

- Stop making things up.

Besides,
it wasn't really my fault.

Hey!

What's for dinner?

Peanut butter sandwiches?
- That's daria.

She smells like peanuts
from her stupid job.

I what?

Oh, god.

That explains those squirrels
at the bus stop.

- While we're on the subject,
tell us about your job, daria.

- It went surprisingly well.
- Really?

- In fact, I doubt I can ever
top today's performance.

So I think I'll take early
retirement starting tomorrow.

- No, you won't.

You're not quitting until
you spend enough time there

to realize your future
is nothing to take for granted.

Right, Jake?

- Can we have our
peanut butter sandwiches now?

- When aliens eat out,

where do they
relieve themselves?

Extra-terrestrial
restaurant restrooms

tonight on sick, sad world.

- It's even worse than school:

You're trapped
in a much tighter space,

the rules are stupider,

and Kevin's very close.

- Should I come down and visit?

Offer some moral support?

- You've already seen me in
enough humiliating situations.

- So what would one more hurt?

Misery loves company.

- You don't
have to tell me that.

It's the basis
of our whole friendship.

All right.

You can come,

but don't let anyone else know.

- Hey, Janie.
Hey daria.

- Mm, hey.

- Didn't you make some coffee
last week?

- You look awful.
What happened to you?

- Jesse and I were up all night
trying to write a new song,

but we only ended up
with one chord we like.

- And which chord would that be?

- "A" minor seventh.

- No.
"A" diminished.

- I'll get another cramp.

Hey.

That's weird.

Suddenly I'm in the mood
for peanut brittle.

- Congratulations, daria,

despite your $15 penalty
for unsmiled nut sales,

you're our first
salesperson of the day.

- I've always dreamt of the day

my picture
would hang in a nut house.

- Well,
if you expect to keep it there,

you'll have to remember
to smile.

- Thanks for the ride.

I'm off
to get some art supplies.

See you.
- Okay.

See you.

Let's go hit that new nut stand.

I've been craving
honey roasted peanuts all day.

- Getting a snack?

Yum.

Let's go snack somewhere.

- Let's see.

You could take little puddy pie,

or there's little Fifi,

and this puppy over here
is snuggles.

- I like this one.

- Oh, no, that's barksy.
He's my favorite.

Why don't you take Fifi instead?

- But I want the other one.

- What's going on here?

Oh, no!

Where's joanne?

- Who's joanne?

- Mr. Matthews said not to let

the puppies' little paws
touch the rough floor,

so I put them on the lid
from joanne's cage.

- Who's joanne?

- How did she get
over the side of the cage?

Don't boa constrictors
have gravity?

- Come on, let's get some pizza

or tacos or cheese sticks
or stuffed pitas,

burgers, bagels,

chicken-fried b.B.Q.
Buffalo wings, my treat.

- Janie, I've been thinking
about peanuts all day.

I've got to get some.

They've, like,
hijacked my brain.

- Moth to a flame.

Hey.

- You've hijacked my brain.

- Moth to a flame.

- If you don't release me,

- it'll really be lame.

- No.

- I'll forfeit the game.

- Nah.

- My soul's waves of grain.

- I've heard that
somewhere before.

- You're driving me insane.

- Too many syllables.

- Oh, no.

Cover for me, Kevin.

I've got to take a break.

- Wait.
Where are you going?

- Further into my personal hell.

- Hey, I just remembered,

big string giveaway
at the guitar store, this way.

- You've hijacked my brain.

- Moth to a flame.

- If you don't release me...

- I'll go just the same.

Moth gonna fly.

Moth gonna fly.

Moth gonna fly from your love.

- Hey, look!
Monster trucks and naked models.

Naked, naked, naked.

- All right, second verse.

It's my personal hell,

where I roast in my shell.

- Roast in my shell?

- Oh, man,
I can't think straight

till I get those peanuts.

- Hey, welcome, nuts.

Munch a bunch
of your nutty friends' lunch.

- Um, okay.

I need some peanuts.

- Cool.

Um, peanuts.
Peanuts.

Hey, daria,
where do we keep the peanuts?

- Daria?

- Scrimmage injury.

- Daria?

Hey, daria!

You know where the peanuts are,
daria?

- Try the peanut bin, you idiot.

- Can you come out and show me?

- No.

- Um... you know what?

I don't want any peanuts
after all.

- But you said
they hijacked your brain.

- Well, now I think a burger's
taken over my brain.

What do you say?
- Cool.

- Hey, don't go.
Come back.

See you again at nut, nut,
nutty, nutty lunch world.

Hey, you can't go back there.

- Yeah, I can.
They changed the rules.

- Oh, cool.

- Hey.

- Welcome to it's a nutty,
nutty, nutty world.

We're just nuts
about humiliation.

- I tried to keep them away.

- Nice job.

- Come on,
you got a break coming up?

I'll buy you some junk food.

Something not in the nut family.

- Yeah, that'll be nice.

Let's go cruise the mall
in case there's someone I know

who hasn't seen me
in my nutty world uniform.

I'll see you later.

- Daria.
- See you later.

- Mrs. Morgendorffer?

This is Jane, daria's friend.

- Jane, do you need an attorney?

I don't do criminal work,
but I'll get you someone.

Don't say anything to anyone
until we get over there.

- No, no, I'm looking for daria.

- Daria?
Why are you calling here?

- She told me
she was gonna talk to you

about the way
they're treating her at work.

- Really?

- They probably
haven't let her off yet.

I bet she's still
in the back room bagging nuts.

- What?
In the back room?

How is she going to improve
her social skills there?

- Yeah, that's the thing.

She's the senior employee
at the nut stand

and the most qualified,

but for some reason,

her male coworker is the one
they've got behind the counter.

- What?

I knew I shouldn't have trusted

one of Jake's sleazy contacts.

- Listen, I need you guys

to find
a missing boa constrictor

while I work up front.

Don't worry, they don't bite.
They just strangle.

- I'll find it for you, Quinn.
- I'll find it.

- No, I will.
- No, me.

- How are we gonna
call the snake

when we don't know its name?

- You don't call a snake,
stupid.

You play
one of those flute things.

- I don't know how
to play a flute.

Can't we put out some snake food
or something?

- What do they eat?

- Hey!
Look.

That ought to do it.

- Where's daria?

- Welcome to
it's a nutty, nutty--

- oh, shut up.

- You can go back there now.
They changed the rules.

- Mom?

- What are you doing back here?

- Working with filberts.
- Oh, I see.

You're in back
doing the physical labor

while that goon
is up front networking.

- Hey, what are you doing?

- You can find someone else
to bag your nuts, pal.

You're not
exploiting my daughter anymore.

- You can't take her away.
She's my salesperson of the day.

- I'm sure your valuable
male counter help

is more than qualified
to cover for her.

- Hey, daria, wait!

My apron's caught
in the cash register again.

- The nerve
of that sexist caveman.

To think he could get away
with treating you that way.

- It was awful.

Awful.

Damn peanut smell.

- What are you doing here?

Can't you see I'm working?

Get this thing off me, man!

- Careful with her.
She has sensitive scales.

- I swear, babe, that wasn't
a smile the second time.

- I can't believe it.

Finally someone I know
is attacked by animals,

and I and my video camera
are nowhere to be found.

- I'm not sure
if cute little furballs

milling around your feet
really constitutes an attack.

- Hey, you don't know
what they were thinking.

- Well, now Kevin, Quinn,
and I are all out of a job.

Which suits me fine.

- What happened to you?

- It's daria's fault.

You got too close to me
with your stupid nut shirt.

You know I'm allergic
to pistachio dye,

and now I've got a rash.

My neck modeling career
is over!

- Hey.
- What?

- I think I just found
job satisfaction.