All language subtitles for Daria - S03E03 - The Old and the Beautiful

- And so the Democratic party

came to be associated
with the "welfare state,"

and the republican party
with a more darwinian approach.

Which do you favor?
Kevin!

- Darwin's the monkey guy,
right?

I like monkeys.

- A statement no doubt
once also made

by your mother!

- No.

She's more into kitties.

- I love kitties!

- That's terrific, Brittany,

and really adds an extra
dimension to today's lesson!

Uh, Ms. Li,
I wonder if I might--

- forget it!

I've already told you:

No staff resignations
while class is in session.

Students, aren't we a bunch
of lucky so-and-sos?

With all that this great land
has given us,

shouldn't we think about
giving back just a little?

- She's right.

I'm going to renounce
my citizenship.

- So as part of
the school district's

first annual awareness
of others week,

I'm asking each
lawndale high student

to sign up for
an extracurricular activity

to make the world
a better place.

- Let's start by rounding up

all the psychotic
school administrators

and putting an end
to their suffering.

- And ours.

- 100% participation
will earn me--

earn us

special recognition from
the superintendent of schools.

Now, I want all of you
to go out there and make me--

make the school look good.

Resume learning!

- Class, dare I ask whether
anyone can relate this appeal

for volunteerism
to the political philosophies

we've been discussing today?

Kevin.

- You know what's cool
about that Darwin guy?

When curious George
gets in trouble,

he always lets him slide.

- Ms. Li, wait!

Hear a desperate man's plea!

- I just think people should
volunteer for causes

because they believe in them,

not because it makes the school
look good.

- Absolutely.

Run down the list of causes
you volunteered for again?

- I protested that book burning
last year.

- You yelled at the TV screen.

- Hey, if more people spoke up--

- uh-oh.

Looks like a whole bunch of
people got here before us.

- I wonder if this has
anything to do

with the full day of
procrastinating we just put in.

- Look.

They need someone
for an arts and crafts class

at the children's ward
of the hospital.

- Calling Jane Lane.

- Too bad there's only one slot
left.

- That's okay.

I guess I'll be picking debris
off the highway.

That'll make me feel
all warm and fuzzy.

- Wait!

How about reading
to senior citizens?

- No, thanks.

I'll feel more comfortable
with the roadkill.

- Come on,
you're a people person.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, you're a person anyway.

- Oh, what the hell.

It'll be good practice
for when my parents turn senile,

which is probably any day now.

- Ooh, kevvy, look.

Reading with seniors.

- Hanging out
with the upperclassmen?

Excellent.

- So the fashion club voted, and
we're going to collect clothes

for the homeless.

- Isn't that wonderful?

- Well, I was given a talent
for accessorizing,

and it's sort of my duty
to share it with the world.

- I heard St. Francis
started the same way.

- What are you doing, daria?

- She got stuck
reading to old people.

- Hey, that's great, kiddo.

- Well, I'm proud of my girls

for caring about
the less fortunate.

Quinn, I'm going to go through
my closet right now

and see what I can donate
to your clothing drive.

- Your closet?

Mom, haven't the homeless
suffered enough?

- What does your foot odor say
about your sexual prowess?

Sniffing for love,
on the next sick, sad world.

- Are you sure they're going
to let you bring your own

materials to the hospital?

I don't know if sick children

should be working
with auto parts.

- Why not?

They're not just recuperating;

they're learning a trade.

There'll be no popsicle stick
picture frames

in Jane Lane's
arts and crafts class.

Tomorrow we're making voodoo
dolls of the hospital staff.

- Do you think
if you breathe on me

I might catch your enthusiasm?

- Hey, who knows what
you'll catch.

Come on, your assignment
isn't that bad.

You like reading.

How would you like it...

- You're not nervous, are you?

- No, no.
I'm not.

- You'll be fine.

If it helps, picture them in
their underwear while you read.

You may throw up, but at least
you won't be intimidated.

You feel like taking a walk
to the butcher?

This stuff would look great with
a few cattle bones thrown in.

- Hello.

Oh, you must be
from the high school.

Come on in.

We can always use
a ray of sunshine around here.

Some of your classmates
have already arrived.

- Hey, kevvy, look who's here.

- Daria.

Did you know there aren't any
high school seniors here?

They're old people,
and we have to read to them.

- What kind of lousy
volunteer deal is that?

- I know.

- This teleconference
of the fashion club

is hereby called to order.

First order of business:

When do we go clothes shopping
for the homeless?

- You know, I saw this
homeless guy on TV once,

and he was wearing plaid pants
with a striped top.

- Ew!

Why can't he just reach inside
his shopping cart

and pick out something
that matches?

- Um, shouldn't we go through
our own closets first

for clothes to donate?

- You mean a homeless person
will be wearing my clothes?

- Uh, Quinn, are you really
comfortable with that concept?

- It'll stretch
our shopping budget.

The more clothes
we find for free,

the more we help the homeless,
right?

And the more room in our closets
for new stuff.

- Yeah!
- Oh, yeah.

- Shush.
Very well.

But I'll review your donations

to make sure
no past fashion mistakes

are inadvertently revealed
to our enemies.

Later.

- Bye, guys.
- Ciao.

- Hmm.
No, no, no.

Maybe.

No.

Ah!

Daria, I found your jacket!

- "As his fingers trailed
sensuously

"down the nape of her neck
to her

"bow-dice,

"she tingled uncontrollably

"with the knowledge that tonight
Jean Perrier

"would taste the fruit
of the garden

from which no man had e'er
picked produce before."

Oh!

- What a pretty voice she has.

Don't you think?

- Oh, yes.

She sounds just like Frances did
when she was younger.

- I always did have
a lovely voice.

- Thanks!

- And I looked
just like you, dear.

- Eeh!

- Pow! Blam!

Kablooie!

Cool, this guy just swallowed
his own teeth.

Happened to me last Friday.

Only they weren't my teeth,
if you get my drift.

- Yeah.

No.

- Daria, you'll be reading
to Mrs. Patterson.

I think you two
will really hit it off.

- What a pretty girl.

- Oh.

- That Brittany is.

- Oh.

- Are you two friends?

No, I don't suppose
you would be.

Never mind.

Let's hear what you brought
to read.

- I hope you like poetry.

- Oh, yes.

My favorite birthday cards

are the ones with poems in them.

"I saw the best minds of my
generation destroyed by madness.

"Starving, hysterical, naked.

"Dragging themselves through
the negro streets of dawn...

"...bang on the catatonic piano,

"the soul is innocent
and immortal.

It should never die ungodly
in an armed madhouse."

- Mrs. Patterson,
can I get you something?

- Get me my Walker.

And then hit her with it!

- I am just too cute in this.

- Forget cute.

You are adorable.

- Oh, no.

Well, yeah.

- Quinn.

I was just, uh,

shopping for the homeless.

- Um, me too.

- Stacy, are you shopping
for the needy too?

- Uh, yeah.

Do you think chartreuse
is a flattering color?

On the homeless, I mean?

- Oh, definitely.

- Great belly ring.

- It's between this
and a nose stud.

- Personally, I'd go
with an ear cuff,

but that's just me.

- No, I'd go for that too.

Especially if it looked like
a little person

clinging to your ear.

Those are so cute.

- Are you girls all updating
your wardrobes?

- Excuse me,
we're collecting garments

for the homeless.

- Wow, that is so nice.

You know, we've got a whole
sale rack that's 50% off.

- Sale rack?

- Yeah, you know,
leftover stuff from last season.

- Theresa, they're homeless.
They're not tasteless.

- Perhaps you just didn't select
the right material, dear.

You mean like
the adventures of ratboy?

- I'm sure you'll find
some stories in here.

Parables of the way?

I don't suppose that means
the way out.

- Now you'll be reading
to Mr. Gross.

Mr. Gross, this is daria.

She's going to read to you.

Isn't that nice?

- I want...

I want...

- Yes, Mr. Gross?

- I want Brittany.

- "And with the Thorn gone
from his paw,

"the lion turned to the mouse

"with tears of gratitude
in his eyes.

"He said, 'thank you, Mr. Mouse.

I have a feeling we're going to
become the best of friends.'"

that's not how it ended on
animal maulings on home video.

- Okay, who wants Brittany
to read to them next?

- Me, me!

Dear god, can you hear me?

- "Suddenly, way in the distance

"the tortoise spotted
the finish line.

"Once more he said to himself

'slow and steady
wins the race.'"

- Kevin, you have such
a soothing voice.

Aw.

- "And the tortoise crossed
the finish line first,

"to the surprise of everyone.

Everyone but the tortoise,
that is."

Another story, Mr. Gross?

- Mr. Gross, what's wrong
with your respirator?

- Nothing.
I unplugged it.

- Don't blame me.

I didn't write this stuff.

- Damn it.

I must have left my x-acto
knives in the pediatric ward.

- You're really getting into
this, aren't you?

- Yeah, the kids and I are
redoing all the wall murals.

The happy clowns
holding balloons,

we turned them into mongol
invaders wielding maces.

- Wow.

You really are making a
difference in a child's life.

- How are things going
at the nursing home?

- It's just like high school.

The people with the good looks
and the inane bubbliness

are sought out and held up
as an example.

- And to think you could have
been picking old shoes

up off the highway.

- And giving them to you for
your arts and crafts class.

- So what are you going to do?

- Well, what I'd like to do
is quit,

but now I sort of feel like
I owe these people something.

- Maybe your sister can give you
some perkiness tips.

- I wouldn't give her
the satisfaction of helping me.

- I wouldn't let her know
she was helping me.

- Since we haven't been able
to find anything good

for the homeless yet,

I've been thinking we should
go door to door

for clothing donations.

- Well, we're only going to go
to nice streets, right?

- Yes, we'll only hit
good neighborhoods

where the people
are well dressed.

- Oh, okay.

- Why would we give the homeless
anything

we wouldn't want them giving us?

- Quinn, you are so smart.

- Speaking of dressing
like a tramp,

did you see Brooke's
new velvet top?

- No.

- I doubt it's even velvet
at all.

I think it's velour.
- Oh, my god.

- Crushed velour.

Which, it turns out,
can't be uncrushed.

- I see you've got
arts and crafts again today.

- Oh, yeah.

So how did it go observing
the Princess of pleather?

- "Do I have enough product
in my hair?"

- Hmm.
You'll never pull it off.

- Somehow, I find that
very comforting.

- Oh, daria, I'm so sorry
you're not popular

at the nursing home.

I mean, I understand why you're
an outcast here at school.

- Yeah, everyone
understands that.

- Even you?

- Um...

- But this is really sad.

Kevin and I were talking,
and we think it's your voice.

It's, like, a total bummer.

- Hey, I know what might
help you.

I got kicked once during
practice, and my voice...

Oh, I guess that wouldn't work
on a girl.

- Well, we can't all have rich,
soothing voices

like yours, Brittany.

- Wait.
That's it!

I could help you!

- Eureka!

- Oh, babe.
You're so thoughtful.

- Well, this week we are
supposed to be

thinking of the less fortunate.

Daria, come to my house
after school,

and we'll see what we can do.

This is going to be great.

I can help everyone.

- What just happened?

- You're spending the afternoon
with Brittany.

- You got anything sharp
in there?

- Hello.

- Um, hi.

I didn't know Brittany
had an older sister.

- She does?
Cool.

Maybe we can get manicures
together.

- No, I mean...

If you're not her sister,
then you're...

- Her stepmother.

Britty, honey, you didn't
tell me you had a sister.

- Daria, this is my stepmom,
Ashley-Amber.

Do you recognize her?

- I think so, but it's so hard
to remember

your childhood nightmares
clearly.

- She was the poster model
for St. Peter girl beer.

- "I'll cure what 'ales' you."

- Ooh, isn't she great?

- It's hard to believe
she's real.

- Come on, I'll introduce you
to my dad.

- He's not the maytag repairman,
is he?

- I don't think so.

- Dad, this is my classmate,
daria.

- Hey, daria.

Steve Taylor.

Always glad to meet one
of britt's friends.

You like cosmetics?

I'll get you into a focus group.

The pay is a joke,
but there's free lip gloss

out the yin-Yang.

Good stuff too.

They try it on cats first.

You meet my wife?

Boy, was she a knockout
when she was young.

- My pom-poms!

- That's my pebble beach hat,
you little turd!

Gerald Ford sold me that hat.

- Hi.
How are you?

- My feet hurt.

- Stacy...

For once, try to look beyond
your own petty concerns.

Today we're thinking about
others, remember?

- Um, sorry, sandi.

- Spare some change?

- It's all right, Stacy.

Just try to be a little more
compassionate, okay?

- Okay, so one, like, method
or whatever

to make your voice
sound more cheery

is to end each sentence
as if you're asking a question.

'Cause then you sound,
like, perky.

- "The rain in Spain
stays mainly on the plain?"

- Hmm.

Okay.
That didn't work either.

- What about that squeak you do?

What squeak?

- I can't believe the t-shirts

that shop tried to give us.

- Really.

The homeless have suffered
enough.

Don't make them wear
a cotton-poly blend too.

- Yeah, but maybe we
should've...

- Oh, look.

Half-price hair styling.

- "Today only."

- You know, a new look

would really draw attention
to our cause.

"Cheerleader tip number 12:

"If you lose your place during
a routine, don't worry.

"No one's paying attention
to you anyway.

They're all watching the game."

- I'm sorry, daria.

This just isn't working out.

I tried.
I really tried.

But it's hopeless.

Face it, daria.

You'll never be like me.

- Guess I'll have to find
a new dream.

- My feet are...

I mean, um, uh...

How do your feet feel, sandi?

- They're killing me.

Is the box full, Quinn?

- Actually, it's kind of empty.

Maybe, um,
we shouldn't be so picky?

- Are you saying, Quinn,

that perhaps today's canvassing
has been mishandled?

- Oh, no.

No way, sandi.

You're a donation-seeking
expert.

- The best.

- Thank you.

All right, I may possibly have
been a little too selective,

but it's because I was thinking
of the homeless.

- Sure.
- Of course.

- Absolutely.

- New policy.

From here on in, we take
whatever is offered,

and we let the homeless make
their own fashion choices.

- Yes, girls?

- Never mind.

- Hey, are you girls
selling chocolate?

- "Her heaving bosom
Rose and fell

each time Drake looked her way."

Well, what do you think?

Am I ready?

- Who would like daria
to read to them?

- No!
- No!

- No!
- No!

- Mrs. Blaine?

Daria here is going to read
to you.

Daria, this is Mrs. Blaine.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

- "Her golden skin was the color
of a wheat field.

"Her lips like Rose petals,

wet with dawn's sparkling dew."

Who writes this stuff?

I mean, who's really named
"Sierra"?

If you ask me, these books
have nothing to do

with real emotions.

Mrs. Blaine, what do you say
I read you some Byron?

Or some really graphic smut.

You're deaf, aren't you?

Okay.

Well, then, here's a story.

Once upon a time, there was
a girl who wasn't good

at faking enthusiasm.

She volunteered to read
at a nursing home,

but everyone hated her voice.

So to humiliate her, they made
her read to a deaf person.

Big joke.

And they all live miserably
ever after.

- Oh, read me another, dear.

Please?

You have such a pretty voice.

- I'd like to congratulate
everyone

on a very successful awareness
of others week.

Our 100% participation
has earned us

a special commendation from
the superintendent of schools.

"Dear Ms. Li, congratulations
to all the students..."

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

"Rarely does one encounter
an administrator

"with your unique blend of drive
and compassion.

"You are one very special
educator

and a very special lady."

Oh.

"Of course,
the students also..."

Et cetera, et cetera.
I won't bore you.

- Too late.

- Now, let's acknowledge our
most outstanding volunteers:

Mr. Thompson and Ms. Taylor.

- I'd like to dedicate this
award to the senior citizens

at the better days nursing home,

who taught me a very valuable
lesson:

Always wear your sunscreen.

- Yeah!

Ratboy rocks!

- Please, god, an aneurysm.

- For them or for you?

- Both.

- Now let us welcome
lawndale high's fashion club,

here to present a generous
donation of clothes

for the needy.

A pair of go-go boots
and a belly chain?

Where's the rest?

- Um, that's it.

- They may be poor,

but that doesn't mean
they should be unfashionable.

- Right.
- Totally.

- They may be shallow,

but that doesn't mean
they should be executed.

- Yes, it does.

- Very well, I'm sold.

- I guess I won't be
needing this anymore.

- Oh, yeah.

Sorry your mural got you banned
from the children's ward.

- I still don't get it.

What's an old west scene
without a scalping?

Go figure.

- Well, anyway, national
awareness of others week

is over.

So we can all go back
to being self-absorbed again.

- On that note, want to come
over to my house and watch TV?

- Later.
I've got something to do.

"Melody powers sighed as she
began picking what was left

"of Misha out of her hair.

"She'd look into less aggressive
explosives back at h.Q.

"After her rendezvous
with team Algiers

"and the intriguing edouard.

"'I hope he's the strong,
silent type,' she thought,

"flicking away one
of Misha's molars.

'I've already had one man
go to pieces on me today.'"