All language subtitles for Dying To Be PerfectThe Ellen Hart Pena Story Crystal Bernard

This film is a dramatization of events
in the life of Ellen Hart Peña.

It's a learned behavior.

It can be unlearned.

You don't waste any time, do you? No, I
don't.

What are you getting from this?

What am I getting from this?

What's the payoff?

Well, there wouldn't be any payoff.

You like it.

Yeah?

See, I don't.

It makes you feel good. It doesn't make
me feel good.

You love it. I don't love it. It's your
best friend.

I bet it's all you can think about,
isn't it? It's better than sex.

No. You eat and you throw up and that's
all there is. That's all there ever is.

Hiding food and eating it and then
finding a place to throw it up.

I want you to tell me why. I don't know
why. Yes, you do.

It's your drug.

I want you to tell me why.

I don't know why.

Come on, come on, come on,

come on.

You're late.

32 seconds longer than yesterday.

It's an off day.

You don't have time for off days. The
trials are in two months.

If you want to qualify, you've got to
run faster. Are my arms tucked in?

Your arms look good.

What about my shoulders?

You need to be down and more relaxed.

What else?

Your stride's too long and you're
running heavy.

Heavy?

I could lose some weight over spring
break.

You'd run faster.

Five pounds?

Be honest.

You could stand eight.

Okay. Fine. Done.

Wow.

Scholarship to law school.

I don't have it yet. I'm just applying.

Isn't that kind of pushing it? Training
for the 10K and all?

Dad'll like it.

Another lawyer in the house.

That's not a very good reason to do it.

What am I doing?

Disgusting. How am I going to run
tomorrow?

What do you mean? You burn it right off.
You're a size four.

I'm just huge.

Are you trying to cheer me up because I
just got dumped?

I feel so bloated.

Good night.

Ellen?

Are you okay?

Boycott hasn't dimmed enthusiasm here at
the 1980 trials.

The stadium is packed here at Hayward
Field as we come up on the first women's

exhibition 10K.

All right, listen up, okay?

Now, be conservative.

Let's tell them our banks lead out.

Stay in contact and make your move with
three laps left to go.

Ready? Ready. Hey, hold on, hold on,
hold on.

Now, you either win this race or it's
over, okay?

Runners to the line. No pressure, right?

It's a beautiful day for the Olympic
trials out here in Eugene, Oregon, but

have to wonder what they're thinking.

Yes, Bob, you take a promising newcomer
like Ellen Hart, you qualify for the

trials, and then the Olympics are
boycotted.

You know, Al, I don't think any of us
can really understand what these

have been through the past few months.
It's a real shame when politics gets

mixed up with sport.

Banks, followed by Judy St. Valere and
Ellen Hart taking third.

An amazing race.

This has to be the most bittersweet
victory in the history of the Olympic

trials. Here's the new 1980 American
women's 10K exhibition team.

For them, the road to Moscow and the
Olympics ends here.

You made the team, Ellen.

Nobody can take that away from you.

Hey, Ellen!

Hey!

You serious about this guy?

Gabe, man.

Good, because you got your work cut out
for you if you're going to make money

off your running.

That's where you lost it, right there.

That's what cost you first place.

You got to work on your kick for your
bell last.

Money for running? You think I can?

Depends on what you want.

I want to be the best.

Then you come train with me.

Look, Ellen, I've been watching you
since Albany.

You got a load of raw talent.

Bill was a fine coach for you, but
you're not in college anymore.

I can take you to the top. Yeah, well, I
don't have a lot of time. I mean, I'm

not some rich Harvard girl. There's
eight kids in our family. I got loans to

off, so I got this teaching job. I got
to start next month. Now, you forget

about teaching. We'll get you on the
circuit. You get a few wins, you'll pay

that loan in a year.

How many times in one life do you think
you're going to get a shot at the

Olympics?

His name's Dave Shattuck, and he's
coached all the top runners.

So you're going to train with him?

She's not going to do anything until she
pays off her student loans.

Honey, give her a minute here.

She's already got a job teaching.

Signed a two -year contract. She's lucky
to have it.

Dad, Maggie's got the hose. Come on out.
Out. It's grown -up time.

Dad,

they said that... I could pay off the
loan by doing endorsements and doing the

circuit.

That's not a bad idea.

Well, I don't... Are we ever going to
cut that cake or are we just going to

admire it?

Maybe my math is off here.

Let's figure this out. Dad, give her a
break. We've got Joan Marie at law

school, three of you at Harvard, me
working three jobs so Ellie can just

graduate with a degree in art history, a
degree she doesn't have any intention

of using.

When I come back in the next life, I
want to come back as one of my kids.

Oh, this is sweet.

What is a four -letter word that means
response to an insult, starting with an

A? Well, Dad, I came in third at the
trials. I think that's really good.

Aren't you proud?

Of course I'm proud of you. I expected
it.

But you've still got a job to get ready
for. You gave your word. You get in

there and do a good day's work, and
that's what you're going to do.

Slap. Response to an insult. Four
letters.

And forget about law school for a while,
okay?

Teach. Save your money. Pay things back.

It's only two years, Ellie.

Then you can think about the next
Olympic trial.

Two -year contract.

How's that?

Of course I'm proud. I gave you word to
get in there and do a good day's work,

and that's what you're going to do.

That's a good run, guys.

I'll see you tomorrow morning.

Okay, coach.

I can run 10 miles, then do 20 -minute
interval laps in the pool.

I know it's been two years, but I kept
at it while I was teaching.

I want to train.

I want to be in the Olympic marathon
trials.

It's too late.

Too late? It's two years away. We've got
plenty of time.

Not for the Olympic marathon, Ellen.

Look, there's lots of other coaches.

All right.

Well, I got good time.

I got really good time.

You should try me.

Come on, Dave.

It wouldn't hurt you to try me.

Besides, I've already moved here.

Okay.

Six o 'clock tomorrow morning,
Chautauqua Park. Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank
you. Go on. Get out of here.

bone in my body, Terry. No, actually,
there's no bone left in my body. I'm

one big gelatinous mass.

This guy is too cute.

I'm going to roll into bed, and I'm
going to sleep for 12 hours.

Before or after your sister comes up
from Denver.

this isn't a bad time. No, this is a bad
time.

Ellen, I just drove all this way. I need
to talk to you.

I know. I'm sorry.

Hi, I'm Chris. Hi. I'm Terry.

Hi, fine.

Ooh, popcorn.

Have yourself.

Thanks.

Well, just pretend I'm not here.

I'm going to bed. See you guys. Good
night, Terry. Good night.

I'll be back.

Me and all my friends.

Well, I have your exams.

Some of you have done very well.

Tuesday people remember implications of
unexpressed terms.

Promises or obligations with particular
attention to Sir Lincoln versus Lynch.

Miss Hart.

You're midterm.

Normally those on scholarship get better
grades.

I know you're running.

I can bring it up, though.

I can do both.

Joe, what is the significance of Hadley
versus Baxendale?

Miss Hart!

Hadley purchased a milling grill.

You know,

it's not going to happen unless the
person learned about the gift and then

relied on getting it to their detriment.

What?

It's what you had trouble with in class.

A third -party, don't -eat, beneficiary
rule.

I'm sorry, I'm John.

Contracts I fit behind you in class? Oh,
right.

Hi. Excuse me. Oh, no, that's all right.
There's no reason you should know my

name. Oh, I can't believe the time.

We've got property in five minutes.

Listen, we could study together for the
final. Oh, I'm way behind. I'll just

slow you down.

Okay, ten -minute coffee break on
Saturday. It's my best offer. She's got

-miler in Denver Saturday.

Boyfriend? Oh, no, she doesn't have time
for coffee. How could she possibly have

time for a boyfriend?

Here's the route for the Mayor's Cup.

Thanks, Coach. I was going to let him
down slowly.

It's 10 miles through the streets of
Denver.

The mayor runs this himself, so it can't
be that tough.

You're going to be paid your usual
appearance fee. Maybe money well earned.

Ellen, your rankings just came back.

And?

And you're ranked top 10 in the U .S.
for all distances.

8K to marathon.

Boy, Dave, you're just too easy to
please.

Woman to cross the finish line in the
mayor's 10 -mile run is Ellen Hart.

And here comes Mayor Pena

himself, surrounded by his security, and
they look a lot fresher than he does.

Congratulations.

You beat the mayor of Denver.

Now

let's

have a big hand for this year's men's
winner of the 10 -mile mayor's cup race.

Bolton's only 23 miles away.

You live a serious life.

My one great feeling.

Another air for Ellen Hart!

Can you believe her?

Mm -hmm. It wasn't that bad.

Every time you start running some guy
over with your charm. He's being

ridiculous. Besides, you see those
glasses he wears?

He's going to take those off. I'm going
to take some other things off, too.

Well, we hardly said two words to each
other.

I mean, if anybody's too busy to do
anything, it's the mayor of Denver.

Hello?

It's the mayor of Denver.

You're beautiful.

Can I come in?

Of course.

How silly of me.

Yes, please,

please.

Make yourself at home.

There's a living room, and I'll be right
back. All right.

Can I help you? No, no, you stay right
there, or just take it easy.

How about white wine? Does that sound
all right?

Sounds great.

Great. Beautiful.

Thank you.

I was third, and then my mom had
triplets.

First in South Texas.

Oh, you Catholics, you're so busy.

Yeah, well, you're, what, one of eight?
Yeah, that's all I know.

Hey, you remembered.

I thought everything about you.

Uh, to the trials.

Thank you.

I know we don't have much time tonight,
so I'll be right back.

Okay.

I grew up in Brownsville. Yeah? Right by
the border. My dad was an international

cotton broker.

But my mom made sure we could cook.

It's incredible.

Thank you.

Oh, um, please serve yourself.

I'll see who that is. It's probably just
Bart or Sam or...

I forgot the tamales.

Thank you.

You forgot the tamales.

I tried meatloaf. I tried eggs.

I tried every recipe known to man that
had broccoli in it. Why? You like

broccoli? I hate it because it seemed
like the only vegetable I couldn't kill.

I love to cook. I got that from my mom.

I mean, kids are her life work, but she
was very smart.

And your dad?

Clusty, demanding.

He was a law professor.

But I adored him.

I probably wouldn't have been a runner
if it weren't for him.

He scared me to death, he said.

Actually, you remind me of him.

What scared you?

All that the cooking does.

When he boycotted the 1980 games.

I went through this time.

I felt like I was dying.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

I just want a shot. That's all.

Just one more shot.

249.

252. Come on, Ellen. You're two seconds
back.

Ellen!

Get back here.

You want to quit?

You want to pack it in?

Dave, I was seven minutes late. Big
deal. I said I was sorry.

You used to blow through these reps like
they were nothing.

You know, maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you just don't want it. The trials

are in five weeks. I qualified.

Your boyfriend made the tabloids last
night. He's a playboy, Ellen. He's using

you.

Look, we got through Gabe. We got
through John. We got through all the

are coming after you.

This guy's just like them. You've got to
get past him. You can't keep running

your body into the ground and expect it
to pack.

You can't do that. It's not going to
bounce back. Don't tell me that's not

you're doing because I can see it.

Look, you don't get your rest.

You don't eat right. You're going to die
out there. It's 26 .2 miles.

You're going to fail.

That's it. It's as simple as that.

Only three go on.

Drop him.

I wasn't going with him to begin with.

Fine. I won't see him anymore.

Good. Hey, this way.

I've got to focus on the trials. I know
that.

I just wanted to have a private... Wait!

Alan! I know you need to focus on the
trials.

Ellen, wait, it's just that... I'm
running. Could you just stop for a

I'm running. I noticed.

Anyway, it dawned on me.

Ellen, I can't keep... Just say it.

Okay, fine.

Am I coming on too strong?

What?

Am I chasing you too hard?

Is that it?

Am I scaring you by coming on so fast?

You hadn't caught me yet.

You owe me a phone call, Eleanor.

If you've got a sore throat, you should
go to bed.

I can't. I've got three more hours of
work left.

How far did you run today?

Fifteen miles.

An interest in land must vest or fall
within the life or lot... I've read this

five times. I still don't know what it
means.

Anybody call while I was out?

The usual.

Chris, your mom, the guy who called you
yesterday and the day before whose phone

calls you're not returning.

One phone call. Throw the guy a crumb.

You can dash his hopes later. Leave a
message. That's even better.

I don't know what to say to him.

Why don't you try the direct approach?

Federico, I think you're wasting your
time.

You should be dating a really nice girl,
like my roommate.

his private unlisted number before you
even hear it, Terry?

You know, the mocha chip was mine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll pick you up some tomorrow.

Fine, I'm going to bed. Good night.

I'm sorry.

Mayor Pena's office.

Uh, yes. This is Ellen Hart, and I...

Uh, no, I can just leave him at...
Ellen.

Oh, hi.

God, you called.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm so far behind,
you wouldn't even believe.

And besides, I told Coach Dave that I
wouldn't date until after the trials.

Hey, listen, let's go dancing.

Just the two of us.

Say yes.

I'll tell you what, if you say yes,
it'll be the last time you see me before

trials.

Just the two of us?

The governor's here.

Governor? You're absolutely ridiculous.

Your elegance and simplicity is... Let
me introduce you to some folks. Here is

the governor. Hello. Nice to meet you.
How are you?

You've

never

had an insecure moment in your life.

Actually, Mr.

Benjamin's dance class.

I was 12, sweaty, plumbed, and short.

I wanted to be anywhere else but there.

And you told him?

Yes, I did.

And he said, Federico, one day you're
going to be standing in front of the

beautiful woman in the world.

And when that happens, you're going to
be very grateful that you took the time

to learn to dance.

And are you?

Yes, I am.

In front of the most beautiful woman in
the world.

And yes, I'm very grateful.

You're trembling.

My fight or flight mechanism.

Those are the only two options.

He's a playboy, Ellen. He's using you.
Well, then, you'll have to do whatever

takes to run as fast as you can.
Normally, those on scholarship get

grades. I can do both. You're going to
die out there. It's 26 .2 miles.

You're going to fail.

Therefore, I respectfully submit that
the court airs in dismissing this case

because the treatment... Mr. Wortham,
begging the court's pardon, but Ms. Hart

is completely overlooking the impact of
Tuttle v. Buck.

Ms. Hart, how would you respond?

Are you familiar with the case?

A lot of, Ms. Hart. Yes, sir.

Just give me a minute in here and I'll
look at it.

Mr. Wortham.

Thank you.

You couldn't ask for better weather than
what we've got here in Olympia,

Washington. More enthusiastic crowds as
we get ready for the first women's

Olympic marathon trial. Well, that's
right, Les, and it's been a long time

coming. Now, the race itself is a
grueling 26 .3 miles.

I see Ellen Hart. She has trained very
hard the past few years, working with

nationally known coach Dave Shatner.

She came in first in the 1982 Pepsi
Challenge National Championship, third

the 1982 Nike Marathon. That's right,
and don't forget the American record she

set for the 30K.

Thank you.

I only dated him once. Yeah.

Twice. Mm -hmm.

Hey, I'm as surprised as you are.

Runner, two minutes to the start.

Look, I don't even know what the phase
is. You go out easy, stay in contact,

smart. Right, run a smart race. Put
those in water.

You know, Les, this is the most grueling
event in the trial. Just to qualify,

they have to run over 26 miles in just 2
hours, 51 minutes, and 16 seconds.

Right, Jill, and for the first time, a
chance to compete this race in the

Olympics.

Something is terribly wrong with Ellen
Hart.

Running down last right before the end.

Oh, my gosh, what a finish.

Joan Benoit followed by Julie Brown and
Julie Esporting, who searched late in

the last mile.

Here is our new Olympic marathon women's
team.

There's Ellen Hart finishing a
disappointing 11.

what should have been the race of her
life.

Those three world record holders, you've
got more talent than any of them. Would

you please help me understand this?

Just help me understand this.

What happened out there?

I'll come back, Dave.

I promise you, I'm going to come back.

It's going to be better.

You can't.

It's over.

You came.

You thought I'd only date you if you
were in the Olympics?

Ellen, I'm going to celebrate your
victory.

No.

26 .2 miles, 11th place to Ellen Hart,
who ran with

grace. No.

It's over, and I can't bring it back.

Get my brothers and sisters to run
around the block with flags and pretend

was the Olympics.

And I blew it. I blew it. I didn't eat
right. I didn't sleep.

I didn't do the things I know to do. I
can't let you do this to yourself. I

Do you realize how few people ever do
what you did?

You followed through.

I don't know if I'm brave or not. I
don't think my bravery's ever been

But you, I saw yours with all four eyes.

I'm so glad you're on this earth.

I love you.

I see out there many friends,
friendships that were forged in the fire

work and ethical conduct.

And once again, this will be a people's
campaign.

That campaign will be the commitment
that we made when we started together

last term.

Imagine a great city.

That city is ours, and the time is now.

I need people up over here. You take
Terry. Oh, Phil, hand these out. And

take Market Street.

You just go over the list of what their
responsibilities are.

Here we go.

Excuse me, Ellen.

Ed, handle that.

I'll call you.

You can't just leave in the middle

of the day.

I can do whatever I want. I'm the mayor.

Come on.

Look.

Look at that.

This is why we live here.

This is crazy.

We're living our lives cooped up in a
car between five -minute sound bites.

Let's get married.

What? I mean it.

Let's get married.

What?

Where's the romance and the flowers and
the bended knee thing?

Yeah, well, you know, we're on a
mountain hill.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll give you a room full of flowers and
my undying love.

God, please say yes. My knees in gravel.

I said, Vicar, you don't know me.

Know you?

I know how your hair sticks up in the
morning. I know how you love to send

you notes to the newspaper delivery boy.

Tell me something I don't know.

Ellen, is there something wrong?

What is it? Is there somebody else?

No, I love only you.

I love you too.

We're down nine points. How'd that
happen? Yeah, he's right here.

It's Alan.

There's Alan.

Hi, Ali.

Is Alan at the city desk? Just a second.

I'll call back in ten minutes. I can
take it out there.

Yeah.

No, no, no. It's just Chad.

He's gone. I just can't get caught up.

There's this endless wave of things that
I haven't done and things I don't do

right.

And every time I turn around, there's
more and more.

Okay, you know what? I'm going to give
you an assignment. I want you to sit

down, and I want you to write a list.

And then we'll go over it together, and
we'll prioritize.

Annie, are you okay?

Absolutely.

I'm fine.

You're right. This is all doable.

I'm just scared about my arguments for
my appellate brief. That's all.

Darling, you have a fine mind.

You just need to take a break.

You'll get back to it. It'll be okay.

Mayor, the post is on deadline.

Thank you. I'll be right there.

Listen. Look, I can handle this. Don't
you worry at all.

Everything's going to be fine.

You sure?

Absolutely.

I love you.

Now, don't you worry, okay?

Go ahead.

Okay. I wake up every day and I say,
today's the day I'm going to eat like a

normal person.

I don't even know what that means
anymore.

Sometimes I just think if I could die,
that'd be the best thing, you know?

It's already cost me everything.

Um, the Olympics?

Doing well in law school.

My stomach aches all the time.

My throat is raw.

My digestive system's all messed up.

My teeth hurt.

I get the shakes.

And I lie to everybody.

I lied to my sister, to Federico, and my
roommate.

I want to stop.

I want to stop more than anything.

Hi, sweetheart.

I have this problem with food.

Mm -hmm.

I eat things that I shouldn't and then I

throw it away.

There's lots or a candy bar? What are we
talking about? It's only when I'm

tense.

I can't control it right now.

Well, sweetheart, you have willpower.

And we can work on this together. I want
you to know that if you're ever tense,

talk to me. Call me.

And we can handle this.

We can handle anything.

Yeah.

Okay. All right.

When we get married...

I think that we should do it after the
election so that it's not a campaign

issue.

Are you saying yes?

You'll marry me?

Yes.

Actually, this is my favorite part. The
day after we've won.

It is your dream for this great city.
Your dream for what Denver is and can be

that has brought us another four years.

I guess I can tell you now.

Folks, Ellen and I are going to be
married.

I need your favorite oatmeal cookies
with

chocolate chips and some mushroom soup,
a little sandwich and some fresh fruit.

I knew you'd be starving.

So what's on the list?

Oh, well, there's nothing on your list
except to show up and have fun. I've

taken care of everything.

Mom, I came here early to finalize all
the details.

I knew that you'd be exhausted, and our
tastes have always matched.

But if there's anything that you don't
like... We were talking all the time on

the phone.

Well, I wanted to surprise you.

Okay, fine.

So what am I going to do?

Well, I ordered the mini fajitas and the
poached salmon with the little taquitas

that you wanted, lemon cake, and
champagne.

Oh, and the priest that married Dad and
I.

His health's improved. He's going to
perform the ceremony.

Mom, you don't look very happy.

I'm happy, okay?

Honestly, if there's anything.

Oh, Mom, I'm fine.

What else? What else?

I found our cake, Hornman.

Look, I mean, you don't have to use it.
Just because Dad... I mean, if you

change your mind... It's fine. It looks
okay. Our

dress came.

Mom.

Well, it's dragging the floor.

You should have it in something.

I don't know.

Think it'll make me look fat?

It's a size four, Ellie.

And I had to take it in.

Oh, yeah?

You're stepping on that. Oh, I'm sorry.

Here I am.

Oh! That is kind of pretty, isn't it?
Oh, you look so beautiful.

It is good.

Right? That's right.

It's a lucky thing to do that. I know.

Excuse me, Mr. Mayor.

The reception is this way.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank
you.

Oh, no.

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

I'm so overwhelmed.

Wait a minute.

Fuck you.

I don't want to mess anything up.

There's nothing in the world you could
do that would ever make me stop loving

you. Just remember that.

I'm doing it a lot less now. I told
Federico that I stopped, but I'm going

kind of taper it off, and I think I've
got it under control.

And we've talked about having kids.
Ellen, get real. You can't have kids.

scarf and barf.

Or starve yourself.

And you haven't really been honest with
this guy. You haven't told him exactly.

Yes, I have, Gail. I told him.

You told him nothing but lies to make
him feel better.

He loves me, Gail.

He loves some fantasy, not the real you.

What are you going to do when he finds
out who you really are?

Think he's going to love you then?

There we go.

So, the good news is, Bixby, Harris, and
Cantor have just hired me.

Honey, congratulations.

That's great.

Yeah.

Keep going. What's the bad news?

They're moving their corporate
headquarters from Milwaukee?

No, my window's going to be right across
from your window.

Except my window's going to be much
smaller.

Are you happy?

Sweetheart, I'm ecstatic.

Do you realize, finally, somebody in our
family's got a real job?

You don't suppose they hired me just
because I'm married to you, do you?

To be so young and gorgeous.

And racked by such terrible self -doubt.

Of course not.

I failed to graduate in the top half of
my class, you might recall.

You might recall that you were training
for the trials and helping me campaign.

They loved you when you interned for
them last summer.

Face it, Alan, you're just very good at
what you do.

Look at this little boy.

All right, bye.

You're welcome.

Okay. Bye.

So cute.

Trick or treat?

No, thank you.

Oh, come on, honey. Trick or treat. No,
don't. Just reach in the bag.

Just reach in there.

Congratulations. You're a lawyer now. I
knew you'd pass.

So now that you're a real lawyer, what
do you say we celebrate by having a love

child so that you can be forced by your
Catholic guilt to quit and stay home,

huh?

What do you say?

Before we have that love child, I think
I need to go to my deposition in L .A. I

mean, Stan will kill me if I don't show
up. Oh, come on.

What, you really want to have a baby?

Only if you do. Well, of course I do,
but I don't know if I'll be a very good

mother. I can barely take care of
myself.

Besides, I don't know if I can have
kids.

You're going to be a wonderful mother.

And of course you can have kids. Look at
you.

You take great care of yourself.

My body's a mess. It really is.

Well, we'll just have to work on it.

Thank you. You're welcome.

You're going to be late for your 9 o
'clock meeting with the commissioner.

I know.

You're going to be late, too.

Don't worry about me. You just go.

Okay. Well, come on. We'll go together.

Oh, no. I've still got some things to do
around here. Okay.

Okay, okay.

Don't forget, the rec center opening
tonight at 7. I'll just meet you there.

You know what?

You know my schedule better than I do.

Don't you have to study for your brief?

Ernie Becker on L .A. Law knows more
than I do. That hour's not going to kill

at all.

Are you sure? I'm positive.

Have Skip pick me up at 6 .30.

Bye, honey.

Here you go. Hi, honey.

Hi.

Do you realize it's been two years since
we've gone anyplace without those guys?

Well, I think they were already packed.

Well, I think we're entitled every two
years.

I can't believe we've been married that
long.

Yeah, seems longer.

We've only been trying for a year.

The doctor says... I know what the
doctor said.

I thought it would have happened by now.

And every month it doesn't happen.

You know what?

Having a baby, Ellen, is not something
you put on a to -do list.

Okay? It'll happen when it happens.

My body's not working.

Ellen!

That's what you're thinking, isn't it?
That it's all my fault?

You want me to go get tested again, is
that it?

Is that what you want?

This is really putting us in the mood to
have some quality time together.

Honey, you are so intense about this. I
just want to have a baby. Is that so

bad?

I view women in these silly diets.

Well, you have seriously low levels of
potassium and iron.

Your BUNs and your triglycerides are
met.

We've got to bring those up right away.

So, follow the diet my nurse gives you
and take these

prenatals.

Prenatals? Well, that's what ladies
usually do when they're going to have a

baby.

A baby?

Congratulations.

What are those? Bite marks?

Some jewelry pinched me. Doctor, if I
don't eat right, you know, sometimes you

can't, but I will. Of course you will.
Of course. But if I throw up, because

sometimes... Relax.

Everybody worries.

I'm pregnant, and I throw up.

You're bulimic.

How far along are you?

Eight weeks.

Have you told your doctor?

Husband?

He's very busy, and he's under a lot of
stress right now, so I don't want him to

know. I'll be frank with you.

Setting the baby aside for the moment.

You keep this up, you'll have kidney
failure, a burst esophagus, ruptured

intestines. I... I hear that, and I
can't stop.

All I want to do is just have this baby,
get through the pregnancy, and then

after that... We could put you in the
hospital.

Well, I'd have to spend the rest of my
life there.

I don't eat junk food anymore.

I threw that all away.

And I've cut way down on throwing up. I
only throw up, like, once a week,

because it's just such a relief.

And now I use carrots as markers.

Markers. What does that mean?

Well, when I look at myself, and I'm
just getting so fat.

So what I do is I eat a really good meal
for the baby, and then I add carrots.

And so if I keep eating, when it's time
to throw up, I only throw up until I get

to the carrots, and then I know that
there's still something good in there

the baby.

Through the garbage bags.

And he almost caught me.

I need help.

Oh, I hate this.

Nothing fits.

I'm so fat.

I don't know if I'm going to get through
this pregnancy. I just keep getting

bigger and bigger.

Come on, honey. We got to go.

Sweetie? Call Dr. Adamo.

Come here.

No, call Dr.

Adamo. Get home. His number's on the
table.

I'm canceling New Year's.

No, you're not going to cancel New
Year's.

I've got to.

Is Dr. Adamo, please?

This is Mayor Pena.

That's right.

Now where's the patient?

How does it feel, hon?

It's cramping.

Yes.

Hi, doctor. This is Ellen's cramping
again.

No, I don't know.

I want to hear you talk to her.

Hello, doctor. I'm sorry to call you.

No, there were... No, just now.

Okay, I will.

All right, thank you again.

There we go.

It's a verdict.

Either the cramps will get worse, or
they'll stop.

I'm staying.

No, you're not staying. You're going.
I'm not going anywhere.

You have a responsibility.

That's right, to my wife.

There we go. There are 500 people who
have worked their hearts out for your

campaign, and they've gotten all dressed
up tonight to spend one minute in your

company. You're going. I'm staying.

That little boy who saved the toddler in
the lake, he's going to get his medal

from Chet?

And the cleaning woman who gave $40 ,000
to the city and all she asked for was a

dance with you. You have no choice. You
have to go. Even I understand that.

I'm sure about this. Go.

Come here.

Go.

Someday.

Bart knows where to reach me. Right. I
know. Call Bart. He'll take care of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Hi. This is Cindy from OA.

I'm calling to tell you Gail just died.

Thank you.

Thank you for calling.

When I heard that Gail had died from a
ruptured esophagus, that's when it

real to me.

That little...

a speck of life inside of me, counting
on me.

In that instant, I chose life. I chose
my baby's life.

That's when it all stopped.

Ellen, our work's just started.

I told you, I'm done with it.

You can say that now, but how can you be
sure?

You haven't dealt with any of the
reasons why you did it.

You're not listening to me.

I'm finished with it.

I'll never do it again.

Ellen, deal with it here.

Or deal with it later. I already told
you.

I'm done with it.

He has risen.

He is not here.

Behold where they had laid him.

But go your way.

Tell his disciples and Peter that he
goeth before you into Galilee.

And there shall ye see him as he said
unto you.

The word of the Lord.

Thanks be to God.

When we read the words of Mark, chapters
16, verses 1 through 7, we are

committing to wonder.

Wonder, art, or... I got her. Come on.
Calm down, ma 'am.

Hold on.

I can't get an IV.

I'm a tongue depressor now, in my hand.
You're going to need to get the IV in.

OBGYN, staff, emergency unit. I paged
them twice. My God, look at the enamel

the inside of her teeth. It's so...
Believe me?

Why didn't you tell me?

She's 190 over 120.

Go, go, go.

And climbing. I'm losing the baby.

Why

didn't

you tell me?

I'm sorry.

You told me you were over this.

Did I get it wrong?

Should I have listened to you in a
better way?

You were fine, Federico.

Fine.

I was fine.

Had I any idea you were doing this to
yourself, I would have said quit your

It wasn't my job.

You lied to me.

You stopped calling me, and I want to
know why.

You wanted me to call you?

Every half an hour?

Because that's how often it was.

To get you out of your staff meetings
and your council sessions and your work

groups and your press conferences every
half an hour?

What are you saying?

Well, that was it.

Trying to find a place to throw up.

There.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Do you want me to be clear?

Food was my whole life and not just a
little bit of it.

I could eat 10 ,000 calories at a time.

That's impossible.

I would eat, I would throw up, and it
was agony. Look at this.

Look, Federico!

Your teeth mark!

I would ram my whole fist down my
throat.

See, I wasn't lucky that way.

Throwing up wasn't easy for me.

Sometimes it would take 5, 10, 20 times
before all of it would come up.

And then it was time to do it again.

I marked it down.

I put little X's every time I'd binge
and purge.

On the bad days, there would be five X's
in a row.

I even threw up on our honeymoon.

Not cancer, Federico. It's something
that I've done to myself.

I took all my dreams and I just threw
them away.

I tried.

When I got pregnant, I really tried.

You have to know I did.

And I never threw up the vitamin.

I thought... If I told you to leave
me...

Ellen, how could I leave?

Ellen, I love you.

You don't have to fight this thing alone
anymore.

Okay?

I'm here.

Don't go.

What if I can't stop?

Ellen,

I'd like you to meet Dr. Wallace.

Hello.

Ellen, I think it might be a good idea
if you and Dr. Wallace had a little

chat.

Learn behavior.

It can be unlearned.

Well, you don't waste any time, do you?
No, I don't.

What are you getting from this?

What am I getting from this? What's the
payoff?

Well,

there is no payoff. You wouldn't be
doing this unless you were getting

something.

No, that's not true. You are getting
something back.

I've already been through all this kind
of thing.

I've been through OA, TM.

I have a teen nutritionist.

I've traveled 50 miles to my therapist.

You like this.

No, I don't like this.

It makes you feel good. It does not make
me feel good. You love it.

I'm trying to tell you that this way of
treating me is not quite... It makes you

feel better than Federico ever did.

You know, this isn't going to work. It's
your best friend. This is not the right

kind of... Tell me how it makes you
feel, how much you love it. This is not

helping at all. It's all you can think
about.

It's better than sex, isn't it?

Nurse?

Nurse?

Hello? It feels so good going down. And
then when you bring it back up, that's

even better. You eat and you throw up
and that's all there is. That's all

ever is.

Hiding food.

I don't know you. And eating it. And you
don't speak to me this way. And then

finding a place to throw it up. And I
want you to tell me why. I don't know

Yes, you do know why. I don't know why.
Yes, you do. If I knew why, do you think

I'd be?

Yes. No, I don't know why. It's your
drug. It's not.

It's your drug.

Tell me why.

Tell me why.

I don't feel when I eat.

All the bad things go away. I don't feel
when I eat.

Is that what you want me to say?

Is that what you want me to say?

Okay.

Okay.

Ellen.

Oh.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Mayor Pena, is it true you're not
running for a third term? Is it true

made you step down, Mrs. Pena? Mayor
Pena, how is the pregnancy? The baby's

fine. My wife is fine. I just need to
get her home. That's all. No, Trish, I'm

not running for a third term. Is it true
this took your closest advisors by

surprise, Mayor Pena? Thank you.

Mayor Pena. My wife and I... Mayor Pena,
did we get a comment on why you're not

running? Thank you very much.

No comment from the mayor at this time
about... Mayor Pena and his wife are

leaving. Apparently the baby is fine.
But the big news is... Mayor Pena will

be seeking a third term.

More at ten.

How can you leave me here and trust I'll
do the right thing?

What course do I have?

Plenty. You have plenty of choices.

You could have Bart stand over me with a
gun.

You could take me to work with you.

Or stick me in a hospital.

Why did you marry me?

Was I just convenient?

Some convenient cover? Did you have any
feelings for me at all?

That's what it was, a convenient cover.

You lied to me. Yeah, I lied to you.
We've been through that.

Not just about your feelings, but about
who you were.

How you really felt.

Well, it was pretty easy because you
were never there.

I was here.

I was here every night I was here.

You want to stop this?

Is that it?

You want to leave?

What? No, I don't want to leave.

Do you want me to go?

No, I don't want you to go.

You're always going.

You're always someplace else. You have
to be somewhere else. Like you had to go

to the New Year's Eve party for 500
people that you didn't even know. How

you do that? You told me to go.

I can't read your mind.

If you needed me, you should have said
so.

Well, I needed you then.

And I need you now.

Better we go.

Don't.

Don't go.

Please don't go.

I can't cancel, Governor.

But if you really need me, I'll be home
right afterward.

These are the twins, fear and desire.

This one is fear, and this one is
desire.

Now, a lot of the ancient cultures
believed that in order to get back to

garden, you had to learn to walk the
path between them.

What are you afraid of?

Being a woman?

Being an adult?

confronting people, saying no.

See, I was always good at following a
script, because that way I could stay in

control. But what if you just let all of
that go?

Oh, I would have no idea who I was.

I wouldn't know what to do.

Right now, I'm holding on, and that way
I can keep everything in balance.

And if you don't?

Then... then it'll all blow up.

You have that much power?

Well, then there's no safe place.

Yes, there is.

But you have to create it.

How? By taking your power back.

One small, fearful act at a time.

scared to death what I have done to this
baby.

Do you understand?

Do you get it?

I am frightened. I have done something
horrible.

And you just ignore it. You just humor
me. You just put a band -aid on it. And

I'm so tired of being alone.

And I'm furious at you.

But she didn't eat.

I am, honey. God, I am. But do you
realize?

You didn't eat.

You were angry at me.

And you have every right to be. But you
didn't eat. You came here instead.

Oh. Oh, my God, Ellen.

Ellen.

Oh. What's wrong? Oh, God, what have I
done?

What's happening?

Oh, God, what have I done?

Oh, God, what have I done?

Janice. Oh, no.

Janice, stay right here. Oh, help me.

Say hi to Mommy.

Here's your daughter.

I can't do anything right. She cries all
the time. Babies do that. Well, Mom

holds her and she stops.

Ellen, if it makes you feel any better,
this is pretty standard stuff.

It's easier not to feel anything at all.

Okay.

Tell me something depressing.

Okay. People that have bulimia, women,
when they get pregnant and they stop, do

they start again?

A lot of them, yes.

Ellen, I'm not going to kid you.

It's going to take a lot of hard,
constant work to change these habits in

to cope.

You see, when I feel pain, I focus on
something else. I change the channels. I

tell a joke. You know, I've always
gotten stroked for doing that. I can't

weak. Why?

Well, Mama needs me to be strong.

You know, there was a lot of us, and I
was the only one that the gender

because... She wanted a girl for my
older sister, Joni, to play with.

And were you?

Was I what?

Were you best friends with Joni?

Uh, actually, actually my mom.

And Chris.

And your mother's name is Joan?

Yes.

So you were really the best friend your
mother never had.

For a second there, I wanted to eat.

That's interesting.

So what are you going to do instead?

You remember when I was a kid, I had
asthma?

Oh, honey.

Now, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say this.
No.

And you and Dad rigged that bell into
your room.

Now, I'm listening. I'm just going to go
give the baby her bottle.

And you told me, if I ever have an
attack, just ring the bell.

That was over 25 years ago.

one night i had an attack mom scared me
to death i think i was five and i

remember lying there wanting to ring the
bell i wanted so much to ring it but i

couldn't because you had a new baby and
you were always really tired but i

didn't ring it i never rang it i was so
proud of that because i wasn't a bother

sweetheart i would have come never a
point of rebellion.

I never did a single solitary thing to
cause a moment's worry. But see, I

didn't want that. That's not what I
wanted. All I wanted to do was please

knowing that I could never measure up.
What are you saying?

You okay, Ellie?

No, Dad, I'm not okay.

Was it crowded at the mall? See?

You're always teaching me to stay the
safe and the cheery thing, never

on anybody's toes.

I'm going to take the baby upstairs if
that's all right. What is this? What's

happening? I'm trying to tell you who I
am.

I know who you are. You know what I let
you see.

Peace at any price? No, Mom, not
anymore. The price is too great.

Somebody please tell me what's going on.

Ellie? Remember my coach at Harvard?

Yes. Well, spring break, he wanted me to
drop a few pounds, and I wanted to

please him, so I starved myself.

And then one day, I think I was working
on Easter presents.

Oh, the boxes. Is that the year that you
made those little wooden boxes?

Differences it make.

Well, I'm just trying to figure out when
it was and what year. That's all that

I'm trying to do. I don't know when it
was. Just let me tell you this.

I was so hungry, so I began to eat
everything.

And then it was somebody's birthday.

It must have been Dad's because it was
spring break. And we had this huge meal,

and I ate that.

And then I remember it was chocolate. We
had chocolate cake, and I ate that too.

Then I was disgusted at myself, and so I
got up from the table. I don't want to

hear this. I went down the hall, and I
got on my hands and knees, and I made

myself throw up. Oh, Ellie.

And I thought, wow, this is great. You
know, this is a great diet, but it was

horrible. So I decided that I never
would do that again, and then I

never stopped.

And, Mom?

You knew.

No. Yes, you did.

Two small bathrooms down the hall.

All these kids ate pie dough.

I ate bags of junk food. You had to have
known. You're wrong. Mom, you were

there.

I thought it would go away.

Oh, my God.

When we had three kids in college, there
were four more right behind you. You

were working so hard.

I couldn't tell you.

I thought it would go away.

I was 10 years, Dad.

Starving and eating and throwing up.

I almost lost the baby because of that.

I almost died myself.

I just wanted you to be happy.

And I wanted to give you that. Don't you
understand?

Like a present. But, Mom, we can't be
happy all the time.

I took all the bad things and all the
feelings I wasn't supposed to feel, and

buried them, and I buried them so deep
that I couldn't find them.

What should I have done differently? I
mean, obviously.

If anybody is to blame, it's me. Mom,
Dad, nobody's to blame.

I pushed you, Ellie. I was always
pushing you. I liked that you pushed me.

made me feel special.

I mean, growing up, I didn't think you
could tell any of us kids apart.

Ellie. But I ran. I ran, and I knew in
your eyes I was special.

My God, Ellie, you were always special
to me.

All of you.

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

I was always harder on you than the
others.

You seem stronger.

Tell me what I can do.

Tell me where we go from here.

Mom,

I'm bulimic.

And I'll always be.

It's going to be a struggle every day.

And I need your help.

I just want you here on this earth.

I just can't pretend anymore.

Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm mad and
angry.

I'm just not perfect.

Watch this. I'm going to catch the
bubbles.

Woo!

Okay, catch them.

Catch them. Catch it.

Hey!

Uh -oh, who called?

It was Warren Christopher.

President Clinton wants me to be his
secretary of transportation.

This is your choice, Ellen.

This is your chance to choose.

What do you think? If I don't want to
go, we won't go?

That's right.

It'd be long hours again, and we
wouldn't have Wallace here for therapy.

You'd be in a place where you didn't
know anybody.

Well, I'd have you.

A little toodle -doodle here.

Let's go, Federico.

Not just for you, but for me.

And for her.

I can't keep running away from life and
scared of trying new things.

Let's go.

As long as we keep talking.

We're going to Washington.

Boxes all packed.

Movies are coming when? Friday? Yeah.

What?

Just scared.

Stay in the moment. That's all any of us
has.

Just didn't know that it would hurt this
much. What, leaving?

Living. Then you're doing something
right, kiddo.

Bye.

How you doing?

Me at the present moment?

Yeah.

I'm doing well.