All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 05x25 - The Presidents Coming! The Presidents Coming!

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend"

Pussycat, are you doing
the grocery shopping today?

Yeah.
Something you want?

Uh, pick up a couple
of chicken breasts,

and why don't we say 40...

better make that 45 tubes
of sunscreen.

Oh, Sophia, I've made
that mistake before.

The best thing to do
is just turn the oven down

if you don't want
the chicken to burn.

Rose, honey,

I don't think my mother
was planning

on using the suntan lotion
on the chicken.

What do you mean, you've
made that mistake before?

President Bush is coming
to dedicate

the new senior citizen"
center down the street.

The motorcade goes right by here.
So?

So all the neighbors on the block
will be out on their lawns.

It'll be a hundred
degrees out there,

and they will need protection.

They can pay me
or fry in the sun.

Oh, Ma, that is a terrible
thing to do to your neighbors.

I'll cut you in for half.
We should also sell visors.

There's a man on our lawn.

Get the net.

(doorbell)

Well, hello there.
Anything I can do for you?

At least now she asks.

Good afternoon.
Sorry to bother you.

I'm Agent Bell
with the Secret Service.

Well, won't you come right in?

Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.

How did you know my name?

I know all your names.

This house has been under
surveillance.

Why are you watching our house?

It's a security measure.

The President wants to stop
at one house

on his way to dedicate
the senior citizens' center.

Why he can't he use the Arco
station like everyone else?

Are you saying Mr. President
George Bush might stop here?

He wants to keep in touch
with the people.

We chose this house
as a possibility

because there are four senior
citizens living under one roof.

Now, a few other houses are being
considered besides this one.

If you don't mind, I'll start with Mrs.
Devereaux.

Fine. We'll just be
waiting in he kitchen.

Not making fun
of the Vice President.

Now that we're alone,
tell me all about yourself.

You first.

I've always been the kind of
person who liked to have fun.

Dorothy, do you realize
it has been four days

since I have enjoyed
the company of a man?

I know, Blanche. I've been
marking the days off

on my Big Ships
of the Navy calendar.

I don't think I can
stand it much longer.

My body feels like a Corvette up
on blocks with its engine racing

and the wheels just
spinning and spinning

with nowhere to go.

I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Dorothy, you have to help me.
You have to do something.

Honey, there's nothing
I can do,

so get that look out of your
eye and let go of my hand.

Girls, I am so excited.

I just got a big bonus at work.

(both) Ah!

And guess what I've decided to do with it.
(both) What?

I'm gonna have
my breasts enlarged.

You're not serious, Blanche?

Sure I am.
Breasts are back in fashion.

And what God didn't give me,
Dr. Myron Rosensweig will.

Oh, that man is the Picasso
of plastic surgeons.

Just be sure he doesn't attach
one of them to your forehead.

Yes.

Oh, Rose, hi.

Listen, I just picked up
these pamphlets

at a cosmetic surgeon,
and I want you to help me

decide which alterations
I'll get.

Blanche, none of these
women have any tops on.

Well, I know, honey.

These are the "after" pictures
of satisfied customers.

I was thinking about having
my breasts done like hers.

All right, Blanche, but do you
think black really suits you?

Here you go, sweetheart.

Dorothy, have you ever heard of
something called dirty-dancing?

Well, of course, Blanche.
They did it in that movie.

What movie?
Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

This flier
that came in the mail

says they're gonna start
a dirty-dancing course

down at Lawson's dance studio.

What do you say, Dorothy?

Oh, no. I can't see
myself swinging my hips

and wildly gyrating my pelvis.

I am not interested.

And the world heaves
a collective sigh of relief.

You just hit that music,
girl, and follow my lead.

(♪ Latin music)
Look into my eyes.

Rose!

(♪ music ends)

Hi, girls.

This is not what it looks like.

What they do is their business,

but if I ever see your hand on
Rose's behind, it'll kill me.

Wow, what a hunk.

I know.
Eat your hearts out.

Blanche, did it ever
occur to you

that possibly Rose or I
might be interested in Jake?

Yes.

And you still used every cheap ploy
to nab him before we had a chance?

Yes. What do you have
to say for yourself?

Damn, I'm good.

Well, thank you,
Mrs. Devereaux.

If the President
decides to come,

this administration
would appreciate it if...

Well, if you didn't hit on him.

I thought everybody'd like
some flugelkaka.

Mrs. Nylund, would you mind
answering a few questions?

As long as it's not math.

Here, honey, why don't you
sit right down here?

He's very nice.

Oh, if you need to know
anything else about me,

um, I have pictures.

So do we.

Now, our records show that you
come from a town called St. Olaf.

You wanna tell me about it?

Mrs. Nylund,
are you all right?

It's just that nobody's
ever asked before.

Well...

I don't get it. They don't seem
to have anything in common.

I guess it's just like that old saying, you know
- "opposites attract."

Oh, that's very true.

Back in St. Olaf,

Ollie Knutenspringle
and his wife Bridget

were opposites in every way.

I mean, he was fat,
she was thin,

he was neat, she was sloppy,

he was tall, she was short.

He was cheap,
she was extravagant.

He was... Opposites.
We get the picture!

Anyway, I'll never
forget the time

they sang at our
annual talent show,

right after the herring
juggling act.

You mean to tell me that somebody
actually juggled herring?

No!

It was the herring
who did the juggling.

Tiny little Ginsu knives.

Really very dangerous.
I mean, one false move,

they could've
filleted themselves.

I hate you.

Rose, what in hell
are you doing? It is 2am.

I couldn't sleep,
so I decided to get up

and make a batch
of spearhuven krispies.

It's an ancient
Scandinavian midnight snack.

I guess after a night
of pillaging and raping,

a viking wants a little
something to go with his cocoa.

Well, they smell God-awful.

Yeah. Just when you're
about ready

to throw up from the stench,
that's when they're done.

Who wants some?

Rose, if these had been
offered to the Donner Party,

they still would've
eaten each other.

Don't be silly, Dorothy.
They're delicious.

You just have to know
how to eat them.

You hold your nose
with one hand,

and you pop a krispy in
your mouth with the other.

Mm. Mm!

That tastes like cheesecake,

fresh strawberries
and chocolate ice cream.

My gosh, you're right.

That is the best thing
I have ever tasted.

This is delicious.
Mm!

Hey, give me a break.
You can't smell that from the hall.

Then there was the time
Hans Erikson

wanted to take an elk
to the prom.

The whole town
was divided on that one.

Pussycat, if you're writing
to your brother Phil,

tell him I said thanks
for the Underoos.

And Spider-Man scared
the hell out of my doctor.

I'm not writing to Phil.

I'm just jotting down some things
that I want to say to the President.

Oh, Dorothy, you're not
gonna make a scene, are you?

Oh, hey, come on.
Give me a little credit.

I mean, it's not like
I'm some kind of hothead.

Please! I'd put you about
even with John McEnroe.

Except McEnroe knows
when to stop.

Come on, Ma.
She's right.

Don't you remember the ti-
How could you forget?

...only spare towels
I could find.

Put 'em around the bucket
in case the leak spreads.

Wait a minute, Rose.

Is that my Cabana Club
beach towel you have there?

Is it this one with the
naked man and woman

being swept up in the waves?

Yes, that's it.
You can't use this towel.

Blanche, Blanche,
it's an emergency.

We'll replace it next week.

Oh, no, you cannot
replace this towel.

There are too many fond memories
attached to this towel.

Blanche, please.
I am in no mood

to hear about the parade
of endless sexual encounters

that you have experienced up and
down the Florida coastline,

with only this towel
between your hot flesh

and the cold, wet sand.

I brought my son Skippy
home from the hospital

in this towel, Dorothy.

You're lying, Blanche.

Damn, you're good.

♪ Happy birthday,
boys and girls

♪ Happy birthday to you

Welcome to Mr. Ha Ha's
Hotdog Hacienda.

(cheering)

Isn't this fun?

Dorothy, you haven't even
touched your Mr. Ha Ha dog.

You're right.

There. I touched it.

Now it's the Mr. Ha Ha
birthday roundup.

When I call your name,
please come up on stage.

Robbie Speener!

Please say you didn't do this.

(Mr. Ha Ha) Jeannie Taylor!

Please tell me
you didn't do this.

Dorothy Zbornak!

I just wish you'd
watch yourself, Dorothy,

because we're all pretty
excited about this visit.

Forget it, Rose.
If President Bush steps in this house,

I'm not gonna waste
an opportunity like that.

I'm gonna give him
a piece of my mind.

You try and talk to her.

Dorothy, if the President comes
here, you can't criticize him.

Watch me.

Oh, Dorothy, don't ever
antagonize the man

who could answer the question,
"You and what army?"

What's your gripe with
the President, anyway?

He calls himself
the "education president,"

but our education system
has some serious problems.

I see the illiteracy,
I see dropouts,

I see kids who can't even
find India on a map.

Well, to be fair, Dorothy,
that stumped Columbus too.

And education
is just part of the problem.

I mean, there's age
discrimination,

women's rights...

Oh, Rose...

Rose, honey,

now why didn't you tell us
what was going on?

Because you can't
help me find a job.

Because nobody or nothing
can make me young again.

Oh, all right, Rose,

so your life isn't
the same as it used to be.

The rules have changed.
But it's happened before, hasn't it?

I mean, what did you do
after Charlie died?

Buried him.

I mean, what did you do
the next day,

when you had to start
putting your life together?

I couldn't do it!
I'd been a housewife for 32 years.

I totally depended on Charlie.

Yeah, but the point is,

eventually you did
what you had to do.

You took care of yourself.

Sweetheart, you're now
in exactly the same position.

Not exactly.

I'm five years older,

and nobody wants me around.

Oh, honey, we want you around.

We just can't
afford to pay you.

Rose. Rose, look at me.

Rose, listen.
You are feeling sorry for yourself.

Sure, you're five years older.
So am I, so is Blanche.

All right, so you have
a few more wrinkles.

So do I, so has Blanche.

All right, you're a little
thicker around the middle.

So is Blanche.

Oh, girls, I am devastated,
just devastated.

Honey, what happened?

I asked my teacher for help,
like you all told me to.

He said the only way I would
get an A on his final

is if I sleep with him.
No!

Oh, yes. I just
don't know what to do.

Get it in writing.

Blanche, that is terrible.
I hope you told him off.

Well, first I was so stunned,
I didn't know what to say.

And then I marched
back up to his desk

and I looked him
straight in the eye

and I said,
"I'll think it over."

Blanche, there is
nothing to think over.

What he did
is sexual harassment.

He cannot get away with that.

Nils Felander attempted
to harass me repeatedly.

What do you mean,
he attempted to?

He worked at Lars Erikson's
Drugstore and Tackle Shop.

He was a soda jerk.

Now that I think about it,
he was the town jerk.

Every Saturday afternoon
I'd go in and have a sundae.

Well, Nils would arrange the ice
cream scoops in an obscene way.

I could never prove it
because by the time

I would take it home
to show my father, the...

...the evidence had...

(both) Melted.
Yes.

To this day, every time
I pass an ice cream parlor

or a tackle shop, I blush.

Well, I just got off the
phone with Washington.

I'm sorry, ladies, but the
President would prefer to visit

a more typical American family.

Typical?
We're typical.

I'm the mother,
and I have 2.3 children.

You won't find a more
typical family than that.

Girls, look.
How do I look?

Oh, great, Blanche.

Great? Or gorgeous?

Gorgeous.

Well, what about sexy?
Yes.

Enticing?
I'll handle this.

Blanche, no woman
ever looked better

than you look right now,

and no one ever will.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Honestly, Rose, sometimes
it's like pulling teeth

to get a little compliment
out of you.

What do you say, girls?
Are you in this with me?

You bet we are, honey.

This is what friendship
is all about -

banding together
when the going gets tough,

sacrificing sleep
and personal comfort,

putting someone else's need
ahead of your own.

It's beautiful.

Let me know how it turns out
in the morning. Good night.

Let's make a pact

that we'll always
take care of each other,

that we'll never desert
each other, no matter what.

You can count on me, honey.

Do you think it's gonna be that
easy getting rid of me, Rose?

That was rhetorical, Rose.

Ah, but what
a comforting thought,

knowing you'll never be alone.

And listen, what the hell?

If we do have to go to a nursing
home, let's all go together.

But what happens when there's
only one of us left?

Don't worry.
I can take care of myself.

Easy, easy.
Ma! That's my best china.

You got it for me when I
got married, you remember?

Who could forget?

I carried it all the way
from Sicily!

And for what?
So you could get divorced.

I should have gotten you something
returnable, like a donkey.

You know, I've eaten through

a lot of great times
on these plates.

Yeah. You know,
with Alma here,

I've been thinking a lot
about the two of us.

What do you mean?

The one thing you never do
is treat me like an old lady.

You treat me like a person.

I appreciate that.

You're a good daughter,
Dorothy.

Ma, I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know what to say.

I'll tell you
what you could say.

You could say I don't
owe you the $50.

Ma, you are a crazy lady,

and I love ya,
I love ya, I love ya.

I love you too, pussycat.

That's beautiful.

I've got to try to convince
him to choose you guys.

You're as close as any
family I've ever seen.

I can't believe he bought it.

What do you mean, Sophia?
We get along great.

He's got no idea
what it's like,

living with you monkeys.

I get sick every time
I think of the time...

Ma, Rose isn't talking to me.

Enjoy it while it lasts.
Now, good night.

Honey - Oh, hi, Dorothy.

Honey, can I talk to you?
No, go away.

But I can't sleep, Sophia,

and it's all because Rose
isn't talking to me.

I could care less.
Now get out of my room!

(knocking) (Rose) Sophia?

I'm not in.

Wait for the beep,
then leave a message.

Beep.

Hi, this is Rose...

Rose, shut up and get in here!

I see you're with two
double-crossing ex-friends of mine.

I'll come back later.

What do you think this is,
the 7-Eleven?

I'm not open all night.

Rose, we feel terrible
about what we've done.

What have you done?
We're really very sorry.

Sorry about what?
Sorry isn't good enough.

How can I ever trust you again?
Trust who?

Please, Rose, let's not
talk about trust

after the terrible things
you wrote.

Will someone please tell me what
the hell you're talking about?

Blanche and I
read Rose's diary.

And she wrote some terrible
things about us in there.

About you?
I didn't write anything about you.

I didn't even know you
when I kept that diary.

What are you talking about?
That was my 4-H diary.

I kept it one summer when I raised
two pigs for the county fair.

You kept a diary
about raising two pigs?

You know another way
to get a 4-H pig diary badge?

Stop! Even surgical stockings
only have so much elastic!

Hello.

Girls, this nightgown
is so sheer

I believe you can see
right through it.

Oh, hello, Fidel.

Hello, Blanche.
How are you?

You don't have cataracts -
you tell me.

Beat it, you 50-year-old
mattress.

Why, you...
you miserable old...

Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.
You know the rules.

When one of you is out
with Fidel,

the other one does not
interfere.

My apologies.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go take a long,
hot, steamy bath,

with just enough water

to barely cover
my perky bosoms.

You're only gonna sit
in an inch of water?

Oh, that does it!
That does it!

No, no, no, no, ladies!

Dorothy, why don't we
have a pet?

Anybody want a cracker?

Never mind.

(doorbell)

Good evening.

Well, I guess you know
why I'm here.

Sure. Nobody can leave

after just one helping
of flugelkaka.

No, ma'am. And don't even
kid about that.

No, I'm here to tell you
that tomorrow

the President
of the United States

will be coming to your house.

Oh, my!

Oh!

What did you...
How did you do that?

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

Rose, what's all this?

Oh, I want the President
to feel welcome,

so I'm making him a sign.

It's gonna say "Welcome,
President Bush.

"We are pleased
to have you in our home.

"We're really thrilled
that you're visiting Miami.

"We hope you have a good time
and a safe trip home,

"and good luck on running
the country."

It's catchy, Rose.

Are you sure you want
to go to all that trouble?

Honey, he'll just be here
a few minutes.

Are you kidding?

This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.

More exciting
than winning the annual

St. Olaf me-and-my-pet
look-alike contest?

Yes. But mostly because I don't have
to swim with a duck in my mouth.

Boy, when the President gets here,
am I gonna let him have it.

What do you think I should
hit him with first?

Inadequate funding
for education?

The plight of the hungry
and homeless?

Pollution of the air
and the water?

I mean, the problems
are endless.

Dorothy, you can't talk
like that to the President.

Watch me.

Sure, there are problems,
but can't we just pray

they'll go away by themselves?

You haven't.

Dorothy, if you make
a scene, this whole thing

is gonna blow up in our faces.

Why do you say that?

Because something always does.

Let me refresh your memory.

OK, we have the suntan
lotion, Chap Stick,

and half a dozen cheap,
tawdry romance novels.

Then we're all set.
We have everything we need for the cruise.

Girls, listen, maybe we don't
have everything we need.

What are we missing?

Well, we are going away

for a romantic weekend
to the Bahamas

with Jeff and Rich and Randy.

In this day and age
it might be a good idea

to take along some protection.

What kind of protection?

Two armed Pinkerton guards.

No, Blanche is talking
about, uh...

A Nestlé's Crunch?

One over.

An enema bag?

To the right.

Dentu-Grip?

Condoms, Rose.
Condoms, condoms, condoms!

Calm down, lady.

You just get outta prison?

Girls, what do you think?

Well, it's not a bad idea,

but... I'm a little
embarrassed.

Oh, me too.
Embarrassed?

There's no reason
to be embarrassed.

These are discreet
professionals.

This is a private matter.

Whatever we buy is nobody's
business but our own.

I'd like a package
of these, please.

And, uh, I'll take these.

And I'll take these.

Now, that wasn't so bad,
was it?

Uh, Joe, I need a price
check on some condoms.

These three ladies here
want a couple of boxes

of the King George
prophylactics.

(Joe) The lambskins
or the ultrasensitive?

Two of 'em have the lambskins

and the blonde has
the ultrasensitive,

in black.

Plumber.

Could I see
some identification?

Come on in.

So, you two
are the proud parents

of the new Dolan
Standard Lowboy, huh?

Yes, we're sending out
engraved announcements.

Well, you probably want to get her
operational as soon as possible.

After all, she's quite
a showpiece.

Where do I install her?

Well, actually, uh, Lou,

we're going to
install her ourselves.

Follow me. Hold it.
You're not serious?

Why not?

You gotta be a man,
for God's sakes!

You know, to tell you
the truth, Lou,

women are capable of more than
just cleaning these things.

Is that so? Well, as long as you
ladies are playing plumber,

why don't you play
moving man, too?

Fine! Fine, we will!

Was that a plumber?
No, Ma, no.

It was a little girl
selling Girl Scout toilets.

You let a plumber get away?
We don't need him!

Like hell!
I'm going after him.

Come on, Dorothy, let's
move this little beauty.

OK.
Ohh!

Ooh. Wait, wait.

No, honey, she won't budge.

Oh, Rose, I don't think we're
gonna be able to move it.

Dorothy, if the Egyptians
built the pyramids,

now, we can move this toilet.

Fine. Get me
20,000 Hebrews,

and I'll have it
out of here in no time.

Oh, come on.

Give me a minute,
I'll think of something.

I'd love you to meet
my roommates.

Unfortunately,
they're not home right now.

Dorothy, I gotta talk to you.

I owe you a big apology.

For what, Ma?

For what I said before.

You know, about you not knowing
a thing about plumbing.

Dorothy, you're a genius.

Ma, wait. What are you
talking about?

I walk into the living room,
and there's a toilet

in front of the television set.

It's an old lady's dream
come true!

You wouldn't believe
all the security out there.

Of course,
they have to have it.

When the President
comes to town,

it brings out all the oddballs.

(doorbell)

Hi, it's me, Stan.

Stanley, what are you
doing here?

I'm glad you asked.

Inside this box
is my best novelty yet,

not to mention
the perfect tie-in

to the President's visit.

Ladies...

the George Bush
point of light on a stick.

You know, Dorothy, every
now and then it dawns on me

you had children with this man.

Stanley, get out.
Wait. Please.

I just took a bath on those
Daniel Ortega buttons

that say "four more years."

Out!

I can never tell
when you ladies are kidding.

Out!
Out!

Good one.

Stan, I want you gone before
the President gets here.

Come on, Dorothy.
I'm a big fan.

Maybe he'd like to meet me.

I almost voted for him.

I would've if I could
have registered.

You know those things
go straight to the IRS?

So could I.

See you.

Oh, what did I ever see
in that man?

Don't blame yourself.
You were young, you were carefree.

You were just
one of those girls

who marries the first guy
who knocks her up.

(doorbell)

Gee, this is really cool.

Yeah, I see that you've met...

Stanley Zbornak.
A novelty salesman,

your ex-husband,
father of your children,

and if you don't mind me
saying, first-class yutz.

Wow, they do know everything.

We had to run security
clearances on everyone.

Everyone passed except
for you, Mrs. Petrillo.

I can't believe it!

I spend one lousy night
with Mussolini -

and I do mean lousy -

and I'm marked for life.

No, that's not it.

Our records list you
as both Sophia Petrillo

and Sophia Weinstock.

What's the deal? Are you
trying to hide something?

Is there a Mr. Weinstock?

OK, OK.
I'm tired of running.

Where do I begin?

Max Weinstock and my late
husband, Salvadore,

were in the restaurant
business together in Brooklyn.

They had known each other
since...

Ma, what's the matter?

Esther Weinstock is dead.

We grew up together.
She was my best friend.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
What happened?

She was fighting
an oil rig fire

in the Gulf of Mexico.

She was 88!

Well, it's great that she was
able to work right up to the end.

Sophia?

Dorothy, do you hear
a dog howling?

Behave yourself.
Hello, Mr. Weinstock.

Oh, my goodness,
as I live and breathe!

Unfortunately.

You're little Dorothy Petrillo.

That's right.

You haven't changed a bit.
Same gorgeous smile.

Pretty eyes, beautiful figure,
long golden blonde hair.

You have cataracts,
don't you, Mr. Weinstock?

Since 1967.

Let's go.

Sophia. Esther would have
appreciated you being here.

I loved that woman.
She was the best,

which is why she deserved
a better husband.

Instead of a miserable,
no-good, lowlife sleazeball.

Sophia, if you knew now
what I knew then...

Ah, so what.

If you've got something to
say, spit it out, Weinstock.

Don't push me, or I will.

There. I pushed.
Too bad you weren't on a flight of stairs.

Ma, Ma, you're
creating a scene.

Look, that was a long time ago.
Forget about it.

I can't forget. This man
stole money from us.

Because of him,
our family went hungry.

Ma, we never went hungry.

Some nights
I felt like dessert.

Listen, why don't we just
leave this mess

and go out and get
something to eat?

Yeah, I'll ask Ma
if she'd like to come.

It'll do her good
to get out of the house.

Oh, she's been so depressed since
she got back from that funeral.

I mean, she lost one
of her oldest friends,

and even though
she made up with Max,

she'll probably never
see him again.

Well, you go and get her,
we will try to cheer her up.

We don't want that poor little
thing getting sick over this.

No.

(Dorothy)
Ma! Oh, my God!

Dorothy, what is it?

What, honey?

Oh! Good Lord.

Ma, what is going on here?

Afterglow.

So let's see if I've
got this straight.

You and this
Max Weinstock were...

Getting it on.

Thank you.

If you write that down, make it three
times a night. He'd like that.

And send me a copy.

So this was a casual fling?

Please. I'm not the love 'em
and leave 'em type.

At my age, I don't have
the strength to do both.

We got married.

It was a lovely ceremony,
no thanks to Dorothy.

Ma, listen, I have
to talk to you.

Who's in charge here?

What's the problem?

I'm the caterer.
It's two o'clock.

The guests are waiting.
Why isn't the show on the road?

Ma, I know you're in there.
The wedding is off.

She doesn't approve.
She doesn't approve?

Now, look here, Stretch.

I have a hundred cheese puffs
and a sensitive assistant

both on the verge of collapse.

Whatever the problem is,
overlook it.

My mother did with my marriage.

And if you say something smart,
I'll slap you silly.

Listen, this is a private
moment, so butt out, Rambo.

Ma, I have
a confession to make.

Ma, I came here to beg you for the
last time not to get married.

I didn't want you
and Max together

because it looked like
you were cheating on Pop.

I know it doesn't make
any sense,

but I still think of the two
of you as being married,

and I didn't want Max
taking Pop's place.

But now that I see the two
of you so much in love,

I realize I was just
being selfish, Ma.

Ma, I want you to be happy.

And I know Pop would too.

I love you, pussycat.

This is more moving

than Susan Hayward's climactic
speech in I Want To Live!

You're ready to fly right
out of here, aren't you?

Well, excuse me for living,
Anita Bryant.

Could we please
get married already,

so I can get in on the hugging?

Places!
Oh, Sophia.

Honey, I want to wish you
all the happiness in the world.

Oh, thank you, Blanche.

And, Sophia,
I want to offer you

a tradition Scandinavian
wedding blessing.

Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen,

potetaflingin faflafen.

I'm really touched.

I'm also soaking wet.

All right! One group hug,
and let's hit the road.

Oh, Sophia, honey...

(♪ organist plays
"The Wedding March" by Wagner)

Uh-oh.

Either I mixed the Elvis list
with the wedding list,

or everyone in Max's family

appeared on
The Ed Sullivan Show.

Who cares already?
Let's just do it!

We are gathered here today

to join this man
and this woman in matrimony.

I just love weddings!
Oh, me too, me too.

You think you'll ever
get married again?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't think so.

Me neither.
How about you, Blanche?

Oh, absolutely.

If the right man
ever came along.

Course, he'd have to have
the body of Mr. Mel Gibson,

the personality
of Mr. Johnny Carson,

and the financial resources
of Mr. Donald Trump.

I have a feeling
the three of us

are going to be together
for a long time.

And do you, Max, take Sophia to
be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Then if no Elvis in this room

has any objection
to this union,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪ I do love you

♪ With all my heart

♪ Blue skies of Hawaii smile

♪ On this

♪ Our wedding day

Ahahuh!

Well, thank you,
Mrs. Petrillo.

By the way, what happened
to Mr. Weinstock?

We found out
we weren't compatible.

Thank God it was
before we had kids.

All right. Now that the Weinstock
mystery is cleared up,

I only have one more
question to ask.

What organizations
do you belong to?

We have to make sure
none of them could be

considered a threat
to the President.

Oh, well, I'm a member
of the Sierra Club,

and Blanche belongs to the
Daughters of the Confederacy.

And I'm a member of
the Otto Club of St. Olaf.

Actually
I'm an honorary member.

My name's not Otto.

I don't think that group could
be considered subversive.

Subversive?

As in, "Do you
advocate the overthrow

of the government
by force or violence?"

Violence.
Rose!

Actually there is
one other organization

that Rose and I belong to.

We might as well tell him.

He'll find out sooner or later.

Well, that about concludes
the first meeting

of the Hunk-a Hunk-a
Burnin' Love Fan Club.

But before we adjourn,

our secretary has
a real special surprise.

A genuine Elvis artifact!

(oohs and aahs)

It's a partially-eaten
pork chop.

Let me see.

He had beautiful
teeth, didn't he?

It's wonderful!

This has to be a fake.

Elvis would never have left
this much meat on a pork chop.

(laughs hysterically)

Dorothy, you're out
of the club.

Meeting is adjourned.

Thank you, ladies.
See you next week.

Thank you for coming.

Well, I hope you're not
too upset over this, Dorothy.

I've just been thrown out

of an unauthorized
Elvis fan club.

I'll try to pick up the pieces
and go on with my life.

I mean, there must be a support
group for people like me.

We're sorry, Dorothy,
but the bylaws clearly state

that any derogatory
remarks about the King

are grounds
for immediate expulsion.

Maybe you ought to join
an organization

that is a little less
fanatical in its devotion.

Like what, Blanche?
The PLO?

Is anyone as nervous as I am?

I can't believe I'm gonna meet the
President of the United States.

Oh, if I say something
stupid, I'll die.

Can we make a donation
in lieu of flowers?

Dorothy, you're not
still planning

on saying all those things
to the President, are you?

Oh, absolutely.

When he comes through that
door, I am ready for him.

Read my lips.
I'm telling him off.

I'm telling him o...

Well, it's not really fair,
'cause I can hear you.

Dorothy, am I showing
too much cleavage?

Yes.

Then I'm ready for him too.

(doorbell)

Ladies, the motorcade
is running late.

Now, the President won't actually
be coming into the house.

He'll just be at the door
for a photo opportunity.

So, Mrs. Devereaux,
you might want to cover up.

(sirens)

Oh! Here he comes.

Mr. President, I'd like
you to meet Rose Nylund.

Hello, Mr. President.
Can I ask you something?

(President) Why, sure.

Is the Oval Office
as hard to vacuum

as I think it is?

(President) Well, I don't know.

There hasn't been a Hoover
in the White House

in, oh, 60 years.

(President laughs)

(all laugh)

That was a good one, sir.

And this is Sophia Petrillo.

(President) Well, thank you
for letting me visit your home.

You know, where I come from,
when you visit somebody,

you bring a little something.

A marble cake
would've been nice.

Sophia!
What?

This is the President
of the United States.

Then he should know better.

And this is...

Blanche Devereaux.
It's a real pleasure, Mr. President.

My! You do have a lot of
Secret Service men, don't you?

Hi, Blanche.

Hi, fellas.

Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.

And, Mr. President,
this is Dorothy Zbornak.

Dorothy, please?

(President)
Hello, Miss Zbornak.

I, uh... Oh...

(Agent Bell) Miss Zbornak
is a teacher, Mr. President.

(President)
Do you have suggestions

maybe on how we can help
with this education thing?

Y... Bush.

(President) Well, it's good
to know we have your backing.

Do you wanna let go
of my hand now?

I think he means right now.

Oh, y...

(President) Well, I hope you've
enjoyed this as much as I have.

Goodbye, ladies.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

(cars drive away)

(sirens)

I think he got the message.