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♪
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(MAILBOX UNLOCKS)
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Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
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♪
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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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TAMMY: Hello, Sedona!
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Hello.
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Oh, my God.
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The sunsets out here.
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(CHUCKLES)
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Oh, are they gorgeous or what?
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Okay, let's get to it.
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This evening, we're going to start
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with what we know is real.
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The present.
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The now.
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I want you to take a deep breath
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and say to yourself,
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"I am in the now."
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Do it.
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Let's say it together.
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- I am in the now.
- CHIP: I am in
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- the now.
- TAMMY: Good.
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That's how I start every morning.
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I look in the mirror.
I say hi to myself.
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You do it. Say hi to yourself.
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- Hi.
- This is your best friend.
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I touch the mirror.
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(LAUGHS): Yes, I touch myself.
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- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.
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I tell myself,
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"You are my number one priority."
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You do it. Tell yourself,
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"You are my number one priority."
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You are my number one priority.
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TAMMY: "I love you."
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Do it. Say it.
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- Say to yourself, "I love you."
- Uh...
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- (DOOR OPENS)
- Oh, shit.
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- Oh! Oh, God. Sorry.
- Mom!
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How did you get in here?
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Well, I've got a key, honey.
I bought this place.
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(SIGHS) Well, knock.
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How do you like this outfit?
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Looks beautiful.
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- It's nice. I...
- Are you gonna be long?
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No, Mother.
I'm not gonna be much longer.
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Take your time.
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(DOOR CLOSES)
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- JOAN: No.
- MAGGIE: Oh, that's terrible.
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- JOAN: Hi, Chip.
- MRS. BASKETS: Oh.
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Hey, honey.
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We're right in the
middle of gown shopping
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for the wedding.
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Hey, there was a sale,
and I got you something.
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- (MAGGIE LAUGHS)
- JOAN: Whoo-hoo.
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Try it on. I think you'll like it.
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I'll be right back, girls.
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- Thanks, Mom.
- JOAN AND MAGGIE: Okay.
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- MAGGIE: Hi there.
- Hi, ladies.
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You know, between her place
and the rodeo and your place,
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Christine has a bathroom
everywhere in town.
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- (WOMEN LAUGH)
- Yeah.
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JOAN: Oh, beautiful apartment, Chip.
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Oh, thank you. It's actually a condo.
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BOTH: Oh...
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- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- JOAN: Christine has been telling us
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what a good little helper
you've been at the rodeo.
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MRS. BASKETS: You're up, Joan.
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JOAN: Oh, good.
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- JOAN: Whoo-hoo!
- Oh, you look so cute.
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Are you ready for school?
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That's what it reminds me of.
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Oh, I miss you.
You know, that house we're in,
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it's so big and lonesome.
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Why don't we all get together
for dinner on Sunday?
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We'll go to that Chinese
place by the Crystal Palace.
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I'll look at my work schedule.
Maybe I can pencil something in.
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- I think it would be so much fun.
- Yeah.
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Remember all the
dinners we used to have?
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We never went to dinners.
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Well, we wanted to.
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- Your turn.
- Oh, good.
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Oh. How 'bout those knobs?
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Oh, my God, they were gorgeous.
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- You just passing through?
- MRS. BASKETS: Maggie! Let's go.
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Big Gowns is gonna close.
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- Honey, there's no TP in there.
- Oh, my God.
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Oh, God, you'll have to go over there.
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- I cannot miss this place.
- Bye, Chip.
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- It's my favorite.
- Let's go. Bye, honey.
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Bye, honey.
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Bye, Mom. Thanks for stopping by
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- and using my toilet.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
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- Sarah!
- Mom...
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(TIRES SCREECH)
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Hey, princess, come on.
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I'm talking to my
daughter, Nicole, not you.
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You can just push that
copper tubing to the side.
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- Yep, like that.
- Dale,
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Sarah's failed her
last two history exams.
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Well, who cares? I mean,
the California school system,
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all they teach you about is
that we came from chimpanzees,
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and about sharing.
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I'll learn her.
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I'll make sure she's learned.
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Right, Sarah?
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Uh, can we just go?
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- We're gonna go.
- It's that phone.
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If she didn't spend so much time
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taking pictures of herself on it...
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I am not always taking
pictures of myself.
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Mom's just being a total bitch.
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- Do not talk to me like that.
- Yeah, well,
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I'm living with Dad now, so you
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- can't tell me what to do.
- Ooh.
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- I'm done.
- Emojis are just popular now.
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You have to live with it. Hey, sweetie.
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You want to come live with Daddy, too?
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No.
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(MUTTERS QUIETLY)
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The youngest is always
the most disappointing.
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♪ I drink one for my baby ♪
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♪ Who is long gone... ♪
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DALE: Uh, the guy that lives
in that RV right there,
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- his name is Walter Scruggs.
- (BICYCLE BELL DINGS)
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He's a very interesting man.
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And, uh, that's our place right there.
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That's our RV.
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Are we in a trailer park?
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Uh... well, that's one way
of looking at it, yes.
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Great.
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Well, I'd love to show you the place.
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It smells just like Febreze,
so you'll love it.
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Come on in.
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(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING)
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Dad, the lights don't even work.
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- (GENERATOR SPUTTERING)
- Hold on.
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I run my lights on clean,
off-the-grid diesel.
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- (GENERATOR STARTS)
- They on?
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Yeah.
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Pretty cool space in there, isn't it?
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Yeah, pretty cool.
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TAMMY: You know the voice
that plays inside your head...
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What you like, what you dislike?
146
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Where do you think that voice came from?
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Is it really you, or is it your mom?
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00:05:57,994 --> 00:05:59,593
Or it could be your sister or brother.
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00:05:59,619 --> 00:06:02,603
It could be you but when
you were nine years old.
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00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:04,939
Now, would you take advice
from a nine-year-old?
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(GRUNTS)
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These voices make a map.
Go left, go right.
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Avoid this situation,
take that situation.
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- But it's not even your map.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
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So what we're going to do is
we're going to build a new you,
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a new map, by bringing
all of you into the present.
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No more voices from the past.
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We're gonna go a different way.
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(PHONE RINGING)
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Oh, hey, Chrysanthemum.
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- Gosh. Hey, Martha.
- Hey, Chip.
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Um, could I ask you a question?
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How would you describe me?
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Hmm.
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Uh, male, white...
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... uh, swarthy.
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About five-two.
168
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- Five-two?
- Yeah.
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00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,767
Martha, I'm five-eight and a quarter.
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My God, get your eyesight checked.
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I don't mean physically, I mean, like...
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what is the energy that I put out there?
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00:06:58,276 --> 00:07:02,047
Oh, you're listening to Tammy's
Live in Sedona, aren't you?
174
00:07:02,072 --> 00:07:04,439
- You're doing the friend quiz.
- No.
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00:07:05,345 --> 00:07:07,533
Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am doing that.
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00:07:07,930 --> 00:07:09,876
Okay, Chip Baskets.
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00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:11,915
Um, he's a clown.
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A clown with a condo.
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00:07:15,416 --> 00:07:17,720
Um, you're really good
at helping people.
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00:07:18,217 --> 00:07:21,876
Like your mom, and
that couple with a baby, and me.
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00:07:22,533 --> 00:07:25,447
- A helper. So I'm a helper?
- Yeah.
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00:07:25,472 --> 00:07:27,273
That's it? I just help people?
183
00:07:27,410 --> 00:07:30,228
Like that glove on television
that helps hamburgers. Great.
184
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Yeah, well, Hamburger Helper has helped
185
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- a lot of moms make dinner.
- (SCOFFS)
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00:07:35,399 --> 00:07:37,095
I don't know what you want me to say.
187
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,948
- Who do you think you are?
- I guess I'm just misunderstood,
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00:07:38,973 --> 00:07:41,002
- that's all. Thanks.
- Okay, well...
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00:07:41,269 --> 00:07:42,502
(QUIETLY): Excuse me.
190
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,901
Thanks for coming by.
191
00:07:49,830 --> 00:07:52,447
- (BARKING)
- God, I hate dogs.
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00:07:52,596 --> 00:07:54,704
Any animal, any kind of animals...
where was I?
193
00:07:54,729 --> 00:07:55,877
Oh, yeah, I was telling you,
194
00:07:55,902 --> 00:07:59,354
I control the, the Wi-Fi modem
here at the RV park,
195
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,557
so it kind of makes me
the king of the park,
196
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:04,104
and you would be my,
my princess... hey, guys.
197
00:08:04,129 --> 00:08:05,565
Please don't call me "princess."
198
00:08:06,635 --> 00:08:07,680
These are some of my friends
199
00:08:07,705 --> 00:08:09,165
that I do a lot of my
fellowshipping with.
200
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:10,477
Uh, this is Sarah.
201
00:08:10,502 --> 00:08:12,493
- Hi.
- WALLIS: Wow. Nice work, Dale.
202
00:08:12,518 --> 00:08:13,526
Nice work.
203
00:08:13,551 --> 00:08:15,557
- Oh, my God.
- Wallis, she's my daughter.
204
00:08:16,549 --> 00:08:19,284
I know. Nice work parenting, whatnot.
205
00:08:20,104 --> 00:08:22,402
(SIGHS) And, uh, right
here, this is Duane.
206
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,657
He's got a Facebook Live page
about the end of the world.
207
00:08:24,682 --> 00:08:26,406
- It's really interesting stuff.
- Cool.
208
00:08:26,431 --> 00:08:27,713
DUANE: Chinese are gonna flood it.
209
00:08:27,738 --> 00:08:29,172
Whole thing's gonna be a beach.
210
00:08:29,335 --> 00:08:31,002
Dead fish flopping all over.
211
00:08:31,027 --> 00:08:32,027
Menthol?
212
00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:33,627
Uh, I don't smoke.
213
00:08:33,907 --> 00:08:35,309
Well, don't poo-poo it.
214
00:08:35,444 --> 00:08:36,812
It works out for some women.
215
00:08:36,837 --> 00:08:37,948
Keeps 'em thin.
216
00:08:39,471 --> 00:08:40,682
Cool rabbit.
217
00:08:40,707 --> 00:08:42,979
- Uh, does it have a name?
- Dinner.
218
00:08:43,627 --> 00:08:45,502
- (MOUTHS)
- You want to see something even cooler?
219
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,698
WALLIS: Oh, this is my boy, Wally Jr.
220
00:08:49,205 --> 00:08:50,931
Hi. I'm-I'm Sarah.
221
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,674
- WALLY JR.: Hey.
- Uh, who's this?
222
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,284
Uh, this is Sally Sue.
223
00:08:54,309 --> 00:08:55,649
- (CHUCKLES): Hi.
- You want to hold her?
224
00:08:55,674 --> 00:08:56,674
- Can I?
- Yeah.
225
00:08:56,699 --> 00:08:57,830
She'll make a little
bit of noise. She's fine.
226
00:08:57,855 --> 00:08:59,924
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah, just like that. That's perfect.
227
00:08:59,949 --> 00:09:02,051
- (LAUGHS) Hi.
- (SHUSHING)
228
00:09:02,076 --> 00:09:03,478
(WHISPERS): It's okay. It's okay.
229
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:06,306
Um, can you take a picture of me?
230
00:09:06,331 --> 00:09:07,853
- Oh, yeah. Of course.
- Thanks.
231
00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:12,252
(CAMERA CLICKING)
232
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:15,438
- Let me see that. Is that nice?
- Yeah.
233
00:09:15,463 --> 00:09:17,649
- Oh, look at that.
- Oh, it...
234
00:09:17,674 --> 00:09:18,994
What the hell?
235
00:09:19,019 --> 00:09:20,111
No kissy-face pictures
236
00:09:20,136 --> 00:09:21,244
- with my daughter!
- Dad!
237
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:22,799
- Oh, my God.
- Okay?
238
00:09:23,086 --> 00:09:24,478
Keep an eye on your son.
239
00:09:24,963 --> 00:09:26,040
All right.
240
00:09:28,188 --> 00:09:31,213
- SARAH: Oh, God. Bye.
- Bye.
241
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:34,400
TAMMY: Never forget
that you exist in the now.
242
00:09:34,425 --> 00:09:37,670
So I want you to call all of
yourself back into the present,
243
00:09:37,695 --> 00:09:40,267
from all the places you've
left yourself behind.
244
00:09:40,348 --> 00:09:42,142
Now say hello to yourself.
245
00:09:42,175 --> 00:09:45,363
This is really you.
246
00:09:45,388 --> 00:09:46,388
Hello.
247
00:09:46,663 --> 00:09:48,831
And you're not going to do it alone.
248
00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:50,723
You know I'm doing it with you.
249
00:09:50,748 --> 00:09:52,683
So everyone say it with me.
250
00:09:52,708 --> 00:09:56,472
I'm the biggest me that I can be.
251
00:09:56,497 --> 00:09:57,503
I'm the biggest
252
00:09:57,528 --> 00:09:59,114
- me that I can be.
- I'm the biggest me that I can...
253
00:09:59,139 --> 00:10:01,919
Can I help you? Whoa, okay.
No, no, no, no.
254
00:10:02,698 --> 00:10:05,000
Don't touch it. Don't touch it.
You'll make it worse.
255
00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:08,489
Is there something I
can help you with today?
256
00:10:08,813 --> 00:10:12,263
Uh, yes, I am looking for some clothes
257
00:10:12,288 --> 00:10:13,692
that'll make me look like a...
258
00:10:14,716 --> 00:10:15,783
like a real man.
259
00:10:16,263 --> 00:10:18,083
Great. Great.
260
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,458
Well, we should get out of the
children's department, then.
261
00:10:20,972 --> 00:10:21,972
Follow me.
262
00:10:28,966 --> 00:10:30,239
Okay, history lesson.
263
00:10:30,264 --> 00:10:32,399
How did America win the Revolution?
264
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,630
SARAH: I don't know, Dad. How?
265
00:10:35,231 --> 00:10:38,114
Guns! America's greatest export.
266
00:10:38,139 --> 00:10:39,965
Oh, yeah, guns. Guns have gotten us
267
00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:41,653
out of a lot of trouble here.
268
00:10:41,678 --> 00:10:43,036
World War II, we used guns.
269
00:10:43,061 --> 00:10:45,380
Korea, guns. Vietnam, guns.
270
00:10:45,405 --> 00:10:47,606
Uh, Super Bowl XIII, guns. Feel that.
271
00:10:48,184 --> 00:10:50,153
- Feel it. Pick it up.
- I...
272
00:10:50,404 --> 00:10:51,981
(EXHALES) Okay.
273
00:10:52,732 --> 00:10:53,786
Ta-da.
274
00:10:54,565 --> 00:10:57,192
You look cool as shit with
that in your arms. Do it again.
275
00:10:57,747 --> 00:10:58,747
Pick it up.
276
00:10:58,772 --> 00:11:00,356
There you go... well,
there's no bullets in it,
277
00:11:00,381 --> 00:11:02,801
but don't point it at any...
don't ever point it at anybody.
278
00:11:02,826 --> 00:11:05,161
- (GUN DROPS ON TABLE)
- Okay? Now,
279
00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:08,669
first thing we need to do is
fieldstrip this thing, so...
280
00:11:09,372 --> 00:11:12,497
let me just, uh, take this out.
281
00:11:12,522 --> 00:11:13,722
There we go.
282
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:16,348
And, uh, double-check, yeah,
there's no bullets in here.
283
00:11:16,373 --> 00:11:17,942
Lefty loosey, righty tighty.
284
00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:20,169
It's all jammed up.
Oh, hold on one second.
285
00:11:20,194 --> 00:11:21,809
I see what's going on here.
286
00:11:22,870 --> 00:11:25,238
("THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
PLAYING OVER PHONE)
287
00:11:25,263 --> 00:11:26,872
Is that my phone? That's my phone.
288
00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:29,051
Oh, it's your grandmother. Hold on.
289
00:11:29,765 --> 00:11:31,892
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, Dale. What you up to?
290
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:33,259
I'm just teaching my
daughter life lessons.
291
00:11:33,284 --> 00:11:34,689
- Why?
- I want to take the family
292
00:11:34,714 --> 00:11:36,658
to that place by the Crystal Palace.
293
00:11:36,683 --> 00:11:39,041
Is that the new place with the
chocolate chip fortune cookies?
294
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:41,392
- Okay, we'll be there.
- See you there.
295
00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:42,417
Okay, bye.
296
00:11:49,902 --> 00:11:51,142
(WHISPERS): How did you do that?
297
00:11:51,675 --> 00:11:53,421
I looked it up, Dad, on my phone.
298
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,720
- Ooh. Uh...
- Give me that.
299
00:11:55,408 --> 00:11:56,725
SARAH: What the hell?
300
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:57,869
DALE: I want to teach you!
301
00:11:57,894 --> 00:12:00,251
This is about father-daughter bonding!
302
00:12:00,427 --> 00:12:01,478
Oh, my God.
303
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:05,470
Goddamn it.
304
00:12:07,087 --> 00:12:08,494
- (BICYCLE BELL DINGS)
- WALLY JR.: Hey.
305
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:12,361
Uh... (CHUCKLES) Hey.
306
00:12:12,756 --> 00:12:14,958
- (GUNSHOT)
- (BIRDS SQUAWK, WINGS FLUTTER)
307
00:12:15,063 --> 00:12:16,837
(CHUCKLES): Turns out it was loaded.
308
00:12:17,311 --> 00:12:20,001
TAMMY: As human beings,
we are uniquely equipped
309
00:12:20,026 --> 00:12:22,128
to take ownership and responsibility
310
00:12:22,153 --> 00:12:24,181
of the life we lead.
311
00:12:24,313 --> 00:12:25,822
We have choice.
312
00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:27,522
We have free will.
313
00:12:28,126 --> 00:12:29,461
You might have a pet dog...
314
00:12:29,486 --> 00:12:30,789
CHIP: Hi, Reverend Kwon.
315
00:12:30,814 --> 00:12:32,712
- Hi, Reverend Kwon. Sorry.
- Oh. Oh, hey.
316
00:12:32,737 --> 00:12:35,424
Hey. Chip, you are looking really sharp.
317
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,490
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
318
00:12:37,775 --> 00:12:39,408
What's a church youth conference?
319
00:12:39,712 --> 00:12:40,892
This is You Alive.
320
00:12:40,917 --> 00:12:42,970
Evangelical youths from-from
all over the Central Valley,
321
00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:45,006
they come here to find a
deeper fellowship with Christ.
322
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:46,728
Oh, that sounds like a blast.
323
00:12:46,753 --> 00:12:48,244
Best three days of my life. (LAUGHS)
324
00:12:48,269 --> 00:12:49,968
H-How are ticket sales?
325
00:12:50,184 --> 00:12:52,431
Oh, uh, really, really good.
326
00:12:52,456 --> 00:12:54,705
Like, we have probably 2,000 people...
327
00:12:55,306 --> 00:12:56,345
... who have applied.
328
00:12:56,370 --> 00:12:58,517
- We haven't finalized all...
- Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
329
00:12:59,771 --> 00:13:02,822
That sounds like something you
might need to rent an arena for.
330
00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:08,212
Oh. Well, we were thinking
about the Marriott.
331
00:13:08,237 --> 00:13:09,705
Marriott? No, no, no, no, no.
332
00:13:09,730 --> 00:13:11,566
Uh, Marriotts are owned by Mormons.
333
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,660
- I did not know that.
- This is a really good deal.
334
00:13:13,685 --> 00:13:15,884
- It's got Wi-Fi. It's got, uh...
- You have Wi-Fi?
335
00:13:15,909 --> 00:13:17,072
Yeah. Yeah.
336
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:18,608
Genderless bathrooms.
337
00:13:19,384 --> 00:13:21,423
Oh. Let's talk.
338
00:13:21,579 --> 00:13:23,814
Very good. I'll see you around.
339
00:13:31,799 --> 00:13:34,337
(ROOSTER CROWS)
340
00:13:34,362 --> 00:13:37,533
Oh, smell that Spring & Renewal.
341
00:13:37,558 --> 00:13:40,173
Mm. That's my favorite Febreze.
342
00:13:40,829 --> 00:13:43,330
Oh, that was a good sleep,
wasn't it, Sar-bear?
343
00:13:45,001 --> 00:13:46,494
Mm. Sar?
344
00:13:47,028 --> 00:13:48,028
Hey, Sarah?
345
00:13:48,223 --> 00:13:49,540
Let's get up, sweetheart.
346
00:13:53,994 --> 00:13:54,994
Sarah?
347
00:13:55,019 --> 00:13:59,014
♪
348
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,039
Hey!
349
00:14:00,619 --> 00:14:02,070
Amber Alert!
350
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:04,367
Dale, what's up with the Wi-Fi?
351
00:14:04,392 --> 00:14:05,778
I'm in the middle of a live feed.
352
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:07,165
Well, I'm in the middle
of an Amber Alert.
353
00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:10,001
No Wi-Fi. No pornography
until we find my daughter.
354
00:14:10,026 --> 00:14:11,712
- WALLIS: I saw your daughter.
- Where?
355
00:14:12,298 --> 00:14:14,017
She's off playing with Wally Jr.
356
00:14:14,042 --> 00:14:15,509
They're messing around in the tub.
357
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:18,665
(WHISPERS): In the tub?
358
00:14:19,643 --> 00:14:20,649
Sarah!
359
00:14:22,286 --> 00:14:23,361
WALLY JR.: Yeah, that's so good.
360
00:14:24,618 --> 00:14:25,618
- (CHUCKLING): Yeah. Perfect.
- (LAUGHS)
361
00:14:25,643 --> 00:14:27,165
Okay, maybe put your leg up on the...
362
00:14:27,190 --> 00:14:28,190
Oh, okay.
363
00:14:28,609 --> 00:14:30,384
And, like, over
the shoulder a little bit.
364
00:14:30,409 --> 00:14:32,712
- Yeah, perfect. That's so good.
- (CAMERA CLICKING)
365
00:14:32,737 --> 00:14:35,320
Step away from the princess, you pauper!
366
00:14:35,345 --> 00:14:37,533
Jesus! Dad, put the gun down.
367
00:14:37,558 --> 00:14:40,155
- Put the gun down? Are you crazy?
- Are you crazy?
368
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,181
- What's going on here?!
- WALLY JR.: It's just pictures, man.
369
00:14:42,206 --> 00:14:43,915
- "Just pictures"? Get down!
- You know? Yeah, Instagra...
370
00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:45,306
- It's just Instagram.
- Get down!
371
00:14:46,097 --> 00:14:48,266
(PANTING)
372
00:14:48,291 --> 00:14:50,314
Dad. Dad.
373
00:14:51,369 --> 00:14:53,095
I don't understand all this.
374
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,775
You're taking pictures of my daughter.
375
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:55,800
Yeah.
376
00:14:55,825 --> 00:14:57,806
Look how scantily clad she is, huh?
377
00:14:58,908 --> 00:15:00,233
DALE: What do you think about that, son?
378
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,531
- SARAH: Geez.
- DALE: Huh?
379
00:15:01,556 --> 00:15:02,845
- Pretty good. Oh!
- Give me this phone.
380
00:15:02,870 --> 00:15:04,881
This phone has caused
nothing but trouble
381
00:15:04,913 --> 00:15:06,541
WALLY JR.: Whoa, what the hell, man?
382
00:15:06,622 --> 00:15:08,256
Shit.
383
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:10,477
Goddamn it.
384
00:15:10,502 --> 00:15:11,635
I'm pretty sure you can just put it
385
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,034
in a bag of rice or something.
386
00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:14,934
I've heard that works.
387
00:15:14,959 --> 00:15:15,959
You know what else is good
388
00:15:15,984 --> 00:15:16,995
- for these phones?
- No, Dad.
389
00:15:18,940 --> 00:15:20,887
(GASPS) Are you crazy?
390
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,090
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
391
00:15:25,776 --> 00:15:27,660
Okay. Put your clothes on.
392
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,127
We got to go to a Chinese restaurant.
393
00:15:29,152 --> 00:15:30,152
Let's go.
394
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,080
TAMMY: Take responsibility...
395
00:15:33,237 --> 00:15:36,403
Hello. I'm here for
the, uh, Baskets party.
396
00:15:36,428 --> 00:15:37,682
- Hey, Chip.
- Yeah.
397
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,229
- Hey.
- Hey, Martha.
398
00:15:40,995 --> 00:15:42,151
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
399
00:15:42,176 --> 00:15:43,176
Do you work here?
400
00:15:43,201 --> 00:15:44,885
I don't. Your mom invited me.
401
00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:46,276
You're all dolled up.
402
00:15:46,468 --> 00:15:48,815
Just, uh, I don't know.
I just thought I'd put some...
403
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,338
Oh, you're still listening
to the Tammy stuff.
404
00:15:51,363 --> 00:15:53,588
- I like it.
- Yeah, I mean...
405
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,721
- it's for entertainment.
- The new Chip.
406
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,315
You look really grown-up.
407
00:15:58,183 --> 00:15:59,784
Thanks. Thanks, Martha.
408
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,338
- Well, you ready for some Chinese food?
- Sure.
409
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:03,906
How are you with chopsticks?
410
00:16:03,931 --> 00:16:05,784
No. Brought my own fork.
411
00:16:05,914 --> 00:16:08,659
Oh, is this like the lobsters
where you get to pick 'em out,
412
00:16:08,684 --> 00:16:11,205
- then you get to eat 'em?
- I don't think these are for cooking.
413
00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:14,433
Oh, what a shame.
They look so delicious.
414
00:16:14,544 --> 00:16:15,544
Monica, listen to me.
415
00:16:15,569 --> 00:16:18,205
Just make sure that it's not
the stain-repellent chemicals
416
00:16:18,230 --> 00:16:19,534
that's causing the problems.
417
00:16:19,890 --> 00:16:21,307
Ken, get off the phone.
418
00:16:21,332 --> 00:16:23,791
- We're gonna have dinner.
- Honey, gotta go. Walking in to dinner.
419
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:24,878
- Sorry, Christine.
- Let's go.
420
00:16:24,903 --> 00:16:26,628
The girls are having a
little carpet problem
421
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:27,761
- they got to deal with.
- Okay.
422
00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:29,394
MRS. BASKETS: Oh, Chip, Martha,
423
00:16:29,419 --> 00:16:30,821
you're here early.
424
00:16:30,846 --> 00:16:32,363
Well, time is money, Mom.
425
00:16:32,486 --> 00:16:34,394
- Isn't that the truth?
- Hello.
426
00:16:34,419 --> 00:16:36,050
Oh, thank you, Ken.
427
00:16:36,639 --> 00:16:38,475
- (EXHALES)
- KEN: Chip, like the suit.
428
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,511
Thank you, sir.
429
00:16:39,536 --> 00:16:41,449
Got a new clown act up your sleeve?
430
00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:43,050
Well, just, uh...
431
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,582
MRS. BASKETS: You know, Chip's
always dressed up in funny outfits.
432
00:16:46,607 --> 00:16:48,769
When he was younger,
I came home one time,
433
00:16:48,794 --> 00:16:50,972
and he had my bra on his head,
434
00:16:51,183 --> 00:16:54,152
and he was pretending
he was a praying mantis.
435
00:16:54,177 --> 00:16:56,391
- (CHUCKLES)
- It was your panties on my head.
436
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:57,683
- Oh.
- I'm just turning over a new leaf.
437
00:16:57,708 --> 00:16:59,910
- That's all.
- MRS. BASKETS: Oh, honey, good for you.
438
00:17:00,046 --> 00:17:01,047
DALE: Hey everybody.
439
00:17:01,072 --> 00:17:04,558
- Oh, my businessman son.
- (DALE SIGHS)
440
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,854
Oh, God, you're getting so tall.
441
00:17:07,879 --> 00:17:09,667
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
442
00:17:09,815 --> 00:17:12,144
- Nice monkey suit, stupid.
- (SARAH EXHALES)
443
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:16,097
MRS. BASKETS: I, uh, have
a money question for you, Dale.
444
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:17,339
Mom, you can ask me.
445
00:17:17,571 --> 00:17:19,190
Honey, if I had a clown question,
446
00:17:19,215 --> 00:17:21,684
I'd ask you because
that's your expertise.
447
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,918
WAITRESS: Hi. Do you know
what you'd like to drink?
448
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:26,089
Well, we just got here.
I'm all discombobulated,
449
00:17:26,114 --> 00:17:29,073
and the-the menu's in...
half of it's in Chinese,
450
00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:32,393
so I don't know what to do here. Mm-kay.
451
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:33,418
I'm ready to order.
452
00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:35,550
I'm gonna have chicken fried rice,
453
00:17:36,034 --> 00:17:38,073
and I'm gonna have, uh,
454
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:40,058
- kung pao chicken.
- CHIP: Mom, mom, mom.
455
00:17:40,083 --> 00:17:41,825
- I think it's just the drinks.
- Huh?
456
00:17:41,850 --> 00:17:43,792
- Oh, I got ahead of myself.
- Sorry, Christine.
457
00:17:43,817 --> 00:17:45,276
- I have to take this.
- What?
458
00:17:45,301 --> 00:17:46,308
Monica.
459
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,026
No, no, don't sign nothing
460
00:17:48,051 --> 00:17:50,737
until you double-check the inventory.
461
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,440
- What the hell's that about?
- CHIP: What?
462
00:17:52,675 --> 00:17:54,716
- MRS. BASKETS: Carpet, honey.
- My God.
463
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,198
Does he have to make such a scene?
464
00:17:56,861 --> 00:17:57,861
Uncle Chip?
465
00:17:57,886 --> 00:17:59,587
- Yes?
- Can I borrow your phone?
466
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,300
- For what reason?
- DALE: Don't do that.
467
00:18:01,325 --> 00:18:02,964
All she's gonna do is take
pictures of her titties
468
00:18:02,989 --> 00:18:04,362
- and put it on Twitter.
- Dad.
469
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:05,792
- Well, that's the truth.
- Don't say...
470
00:18:05,817 --> 00:18:07,406
- that at the table.
- You might as well call it "Twitties."
471
00:18:07,431 --> 00:18:08,431
Oh, my God.
472
00:18:08,541 --> 00:18:11,099
Um, anyway, uh, I just want his phone
473
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:12,953
so I can call Mom to
tell her to pick me up.
474
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,460
I want to go home.
475
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:19,140
Call... call your mom?
476
00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:21,538
But I thought you hated your mom.
477
00:18:21,563 --> 00:18:23,098
Yeah, well, I want to see her again,
478
00:18:23,123 --> 00:18:25,695
and... you know what? She's not insane
479
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,874
- and living in a trailer park.
- It is not a trailer park.
480
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,086
I told you that. Those are
good Americans living there.
481
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,641
- Come on, you guys.
- They tried to get me to smoke.
482
00:18:32,666 --> 00:18:34,156
- DALE: Who did?
- I'll have a Tom Collins, please.
483
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,906
- SARAH: You're missing the point.
- DALE: What am I missing?
484
00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:37,156
I-I'm not missing anything.
485
00:18:37,181 --> 00:18:38,181
- Do you know what?
- Sir, do you...
486
00:18:38,206 --> 00:18:39,361
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna have a hamburger
487
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:40,416
with jack cheese, please.
488
00:18:40,441 --> 00:18:41,441
- I'm sorr...
- Hold the onions. I'll have
489
00:18:41,466 --> 00:18:43,894
- double the pickles.
- We don't have hamburgers here.
490
00:18:43,919 --> 00:18:46,081
(LAUGHING): You don't have
hamburgers in America?
491
00:18:46,106 --> 00:18:48,237
It's a Chinese restaurant, Dale.
492
00:18:48,262 --> 00:18:50,487
Yeah, but why do I have to
kowtow to their culture?
493
00:18:50,811 --> 00:18:51,811
Why is that?
494
00:18:51,836 --> 00:18:54,060
- Just get some moo shu, honey.
- I don't want moo shu, Mom.
495
00:18:54,085 --> 00:18:56,234
- You love moo shu.
- DALE: I don't... I don't love moo shu.
496
00:18:56,259 --> 00:18:58,859
He'll have the moo shu pork.
You loved that as a kid.
497
00:18:58,884 --> 00:19:00,820
DALE: I don't want any moo shu.
No moo shu.
498
00:19:00,845 --> 00:19:02,812
None. I don't want any moo shu.
499
00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:04,852
- Put down moo shu.
- I don't want moo shu.
500
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,655
- It's the principle of the matter.
- SARAH: Dad.
501
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,804
I mean, at Willy's Wontons,
you can order a goddamn corn dog.
502
00:19:08,829 --> 00:19:11,007
- Dale.
- MRS. BASKETS: Willy's Wonton?
503
00:19:11,032 --> 00:19:13,296
- SARAH: Sit down.
- Oh, my God.
504
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:16,843
Um, I'll have the
Grandma's Soup Noodles.
505
00:19:17,418 --> 00:19:19,632
Yeah, hello? Yeah, hey.
506
00:19:19,657 --> 00:19:20,830
Can I get a cheeseburger?
507
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,345
- Is that possible?
- Hey, Dale, Dale, Dale.
508
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:23,752
Listen. Breathe.
509
00:19:24,436 --> 00:19:25,436
Breathe.
510
00:19:25,461 --> 00:19:27,244
- Wha...?
- Repeat after me.
511
00:19:27,269 --> 00:19:29,502
Uh, say it with me.
512
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:30,536
Uh...
513
00:19:30,561 --> 00:19:33,720
- I am in the now.
- What are you doing?
514
00:19:33,745 --> 00:19:36,166
Look, you're in the kitchen, okay?
515
00:19:36,191 --> 00:19:37,725
Your family's out there.
516
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:40,322
We need to bring all
of you into the now.
517
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,424
Look, I'm tired of the
influx of immigrants
518
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:43,689
coming into this country
that don't know how
519
00:19:43,714 --> 00:19:45,033
to make a cheeseburger. (SCOFFS)
520
00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,408
I mean, am I... am I crazy
for-for being like that?
521
00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:48,916
I think you're just getting frustrated
522
00:19:48,941 --> 00:19:50,072
with your anger at your daughter.
523
00:19:50,097 --> 00:19:51,627
You're taking it out on the immigrants.
524
00:19:51,652 --> 00:19:53,754
Uh, I'm from Modesto.
525
00:19:53,849 --> 00:19:55,658
- I'm so sorry.
- Where's that?
526
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,572
It's up in the Bay Area.
527
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:58,767
Look, Dale.
528
00:19:58,792 --> 00:20:00,791
He's, like, a San Francisco type of guy.
529
00:20:02,156 --> 00:20:03,156
Dale, look.
530
00:20:03,181 --> 00:20:04,822
Everybody that you love is here.
531
00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:07,728
Just order the moo shu.
532
00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:09,220
Okay? Let's go have dinner.
533
00:20:10,158 --> 00:20:11,619
(CLEARS THROAT)
534
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,588
(SIGHS) Could you just figure
it out, please?
535
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:15,082
Chinese cheese is fine.
536
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:18,717
I'm sorry.
537
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,455
Can you make him a burger?
538
00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:24,416
You got too much facial
hair to be in here.
539
00:20:35,072 --> 00:20:36,416
Ken, you ever been to China?
540
00:20:36,441 --> 00:20:37,502
No.
541
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:38,619
Me, neither.
542
00:20:42,477 --> 00:20:43,477
(MRS. BUCKETS SIGHS)
543
00:20:43,502 --> 00:20:45,580
Oh, hey.
544
00:20:45,989 --> 00:20:47,822
So sorry about...
545
00:20:48,276 --> 00:20:50,278
our family uproar.
546
00:20:54,523 --> 00:20:57,033
- Here you go, honey. Call your mom.
- SARAH: Thank you.
547
00:20:58,830 --> 00:21:00,478
Look, I think I...
548
00:21:01,112 --> 00:21:03,877
I think I'm just upset, uh, because...
549
00:21:03,902 --> 00:21:06,533
Sarah, I... you know, I was excited.
550
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,954
It's just, I'm just sad
that you're leaving.
551
00:21:08,979 --> 00:21:11,275
That's all. I'm just
temperamental about it. (SNORTS)
552
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:13,337
- (SPUTTERING SOB)
- Well, that runs in our family, honey.
553
00:21:13,362 --> 00:21:15,009
I just don't think anybody loves me.
554
00:21:15,034 --> 00:21:17,070
- MRS. BASKETS: Oh, honey.
- Dad, okay...
555
00:21:18,150 --> 00:21:20,040
People love you.
556
00:21:20,512 --> 00:21:22,514
Can you hand this over to him?
557
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:24,275
- MRS. BASKETS: Here, honey.
- Here, Dad.
558
00:21:25,265 --> 00:21:26,265
What's that?
559
00:21:26,611 --> 00:21:29,025
- It's for your face.
- Oh. Yes. (SNIFFLES)
560
00:21:30,227 --> 00:21:31,470
(BLOWS LOUDLY)
561
00:21:33,103 --> 00:21:34,727
- (DALE WHIMPERING)
- COOK: There you go.
562
00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:35,761
Happy?
563
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:37,720
MRS. BASKETS: There you go.
564
00:21:37,745 --> 00:21:39,486
That's love right there.
565
00:21:40,509 --> 00:21:42,201
That looks interesting.
566
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:43,618
(SARAH GASPS)
567
00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:45,837
Wish I would have got that now.
568
00:21:46,347 --> 00:21:47,915
- Hmm. It's not bad.
- (SARAH GROANS)
569
00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:49,298
- MRS. BASKETS: Oh, good.
- What's that little grin
570
00:21:49,323 --> 00:21:51,111
- you got on your face there, huh?
- Sorry.
571
00:21:51,136 --> 00:21:53,992
MRS. BASKETS: Hey. Don't be rude, Dale.
572
00:21:54,017 --> 00:21:55,790
I was smiling 'cause
you got your burger.
573
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,900
That's why I was smiling.
I was happy about it.
574
00:21:57,925 --> 00:21:59,227
MRS. BASKETS: Show some manners.
575
00:21:59,452 --> 00:22:01,087
What are we, savages here?
576
00:22:01,563 --> 00:22:04,095
Chip, thank you for saving dinner.
577
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,134
- Yeah. Yes.
- Let's have a toast to Chip.
578
00:22:06,906 --> 00:22:08,441
- Okay.
- Yeah.
579
00:22:08,466 --> 00:22:10,157
- KEN: Chip.
- MRS. BASKETS: Toast, Dale.
580
00:22:10,182 --> 00:22:11,743
Toast your brother.
581
00:22:15,056 --> 00:22:16,669
Well, he gave you a burger toast, honey.
582
00:22:16,694 --> 00:22:17,767
- I'm sorry.
- That'll work.
583
00:22:19,056 --> 00:22:20,523
CHIP: Well, that was tons of fun.
584
00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,532
- MARTHA: Yeah.
- Do you mind driving me to the rodeo?
585
00:22:22,557 --> 00:22:24,985
I got some contracts that
I need you to fill out.
586
00:22:25,712 --> 00:22:27,446
Wow, you really are five-eight.
587
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,165
I'm five-eight and a quarter.
588
00:22:29,190 --> 00:22:32,093
I need to get on a flight to
Denver as soon as possible.
589
00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,399
I want you to go with me.
590
00:22:34,424 --> 00:22:36,759
Oh. Um...
591
00:22:37,477 --> 00:22:39,291
DALE: Yeah, can I get some
ranch dressing, please?
592
00:22:39,325 --> 00:22:40,673
For the third time.
593
00:22:43,381 --> 00:22:44,712
Okay, I'll go.
594
00:22:45,759 --> 00:22:47,800
Thank you for the moo shu.
595
00:22:48,152 --> 00:22:49,152
TAMMY: Because the truth is
596
00:22:49,177 --> 00:22:51,102
each and every one of you is as special
597
00:22:51,127 --> 00:22:54,048
and unique as that glorious sunset.
598
00:22:54,182 --> 00:22:57,519
You don't need to convince
anyone who you are.
599
00:22:57,544 --> 00:22:58,978
(CROWD CHEERING)
600
00:22:59,003 --> 00:23:00,102
That's right.
601
00:23:00,127 --> 00:23:03,048
- (CLATTERING)
- Ow!
602
00:23:03,182 --> 00:23:06,582
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
44154
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