All language subtitles for top.gear.s13e07.ws_pdtv_xvid-fov

Tonight, Richard has a crisis...

..some sheep on our track,

and James and I go
to the lavatory.

Good evening! Hello! Hello,
everybody. Thank you very much!

Thank you very much! Thank you!

Thank you!

Yes, and welcome to the
final show in the series.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

Sad. Now, as I'm sure you know,

we don't often do consumer advice
on this show. But tonight, we are.

Because, if you were in the market
for a large, fast, spacious,

executive saloon car, you'd imagine
that you'd be spoilt for choice.

Me, too.

However, Richard Hammond,
who is quite mad,

has decided that every single one
of them has a fatal flaw.

It really doesn't matter
which one you pick.

Take this, for example - the Audi S4.

Yes, it's fast, and it's
well built, and it's safe.

But it has one big problem -

it's built entirely for businessmen.

And real businessmen are not
The Apprentice,

Dragons' Den, Richard Branson, all
helicopters and hostile takeovers.

They're actually quite dull.

And work in Swindon.

Their cars aren't cars.

They're uniforms -
silver or black paint,

maybe a splash of wood on the dash,
and that's your lot.

It doesn't matter where you go -
Audi, Mercedes, BMW - they're all
so obsessed with what each other

is doing that they all end up
making exactly the same car.

So, if you don't want a businessman's
sports saloon, what do you do?

Especially if, like me,
you're a bit of a...

Yes, what we need right now is
something to come and save the day.

This looks promising.

If you were watching
earlier in the series,

you'll have seen Jeremy
going on about a car

that sounds like it's having
a Lady Chatterley crisis.

And this is it.

The Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst edition.

The interesting bit
there is the Bathurst bit.

Because this car is Australian,

and the Bathurst is Australia's
most famous race.

Basically, it's a place where
Holden and Ford fans go to
have a massive fist fight.

And then in the interval,
when the paramedics go in,

sometimes a car race breaks out.

And this car, with its
supercharged 6.2 litre V8,

is one hell of a fist fight.

I just love the sound
of a supercharger.

That whine, you can hear it now,
that shriek.

It's an Outback choir, you've got
the tenor of the supercharger,

and then the base of the V8.

And it gets better, this button here,
it says "Bimodal" on it.

And if I press that,
it adjusts valves and things,

in the exhaust system,
and makes it louder.

What this car does is go to 11.

I fear that anyone
who likes the Bathurst

is probably quite a bad businessman.

The world of PowerPoints
will not take you seriously.

But the consolation is, when your
business does eventually go bust,

there's no way in hell will the
bailiff will ever catch you! Ha-ha!

0-60 takes just 4.6 seconds.

Top speed, a limited 155mph.

Of course,
the Germans will do that, too.

But they won't dish out as
much fun when you do this.

HE LAUGHS

Apparently,
the suspension is adjustable.

Presumably from oversteer, to,
"Oh, dear, we've just crashed!"

RICHARD LAUGHS

Just astonishing!

I'm sorry, if this car doesn't
move you, that is your problem,

not the car's. It's just a fact.

It costs £45,000, and for that,
you get almost limitless vulgarity.

No spoiler is too big.
No vent is too gaping.

No supercharger too red.

In short, the perfect fast saloon
for anyone who's not a businessman.

I'm thinking, actors, vicars,
professors, erm, children.

But what if you're a
builder or a farmer,

or anyone who has to move
around loads of stuff?

They really are in a petrol-head
wasteland, because often as not,

they have to drive about in
something as slow and dull as this.

I'm sure it's practical,
but 0-60 comes up in...

well, I've been on the go some time
and it hasn't happened yet.

And that's just not fair.

Ideally, what you need is a
combination of that...and that.

If only such a thing existed.

And for the second time today,

unfortunately, it's Australia
that comes to the rescue.

This is called the Maloo, which,
in Aborigine, means thunder.

Now, strictly speaking,
because it's Australian,

this isn't a pick-up, it's a ute.

And you can now buy it in
this country for £37,000,

which sounds like quite a lot.

But you haven't seen yet how it
can enrich your life.

Say you're at the lights next to
the IT boy in his supercharged Audi.

ENGINES REV

In a normal pick-up,
when the lights went green,

he'd leave you in a cloud
of business dust.

Not in this one.

Reining him in! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'm sorry, fella!

This is the fastest ute in the world.

0-60, five seconds.
Top speed, limited to 155.

That means you can
worry people in 911s.

And it's all down to a huge
419 horsepower, 6.2 litre V8.

But that's enough maths. Time
for a quick ute history lesson.

It started in the 1930s,
when a farmer's wife wrote
to Ford of Australia,

complaining that there was no car
that could take her to church
on a Sunday,

and the pigs to market on a Monday.

The answer was, the ute,
and the Australians

have worshipped them ever since.

You might think that because it's
basically a piece of farm machinery

with a big engine, drag racing
is all it can do. Not so.

The Maloo loves corners.

In fact, it gets a bit carried away.

Ha-ha!

Yep, there's no weight on the
back end, so it is a bit lively!

And adding weight to the back
doesn't work that well, either.

Oh, no!

My hay-based solution system
needs refining, but the fact is,

the next time you wake up and realise
that you're not a businessman,

but you like a fast car...

..remember, the Aussies
are here to help.

I had a good point,
it's a good point.

Is that your idea of
consumer advice? Yes.

You really are a steak and kidney
lock opener, aren't you? Oh, yes.

But we must now find how fast
these cars go round our track.

And that of course means handing
them over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he cut
that man's hair.

And that if HE compensated a soldier
for getting wounded, he wouldn't
try to take it all back again.

CHEERING

All we know is,
he's called the Stig!

And they're off.

Extraordinary whining from
the Bathurst, just distant

thunder from the Maloo,
as they go down to the first corner.

Straightaway, the front heavy
ute is getting frisky.

Bathurst responding, with a slide!

Oh, my God, how many bagpipes
are we hearing there? Two? Seven?

One, with a hole in it?

He's round Chicago
and now we're at Hammerhead.

Maloo does not look like the easiest
thing in the world to drive.

And the Bathurst is just a
supercharged portable drift machine.

Look at it! Fantastic.

That is literally the most painful
drone I've heard

since James tried to explain
fuel-injection to me.

Two corners left.

Bathurst's really getting its
tail out. And now, if we look,

the Maloo is as well! Sideways
cars from an upside-down country!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. You first, Hammond.
OK. Your pick-up truck.

My pick-up truck did it in 1.27.1.

It's as fast as an Aston Martin DB9.

That's unbelievable!

What a car!

Hang on, the Bathurst...

the Bathurst did it in 1.26.3.

So it's about the same as a BMW M5.

And that really does make
it the perfect car

for anyone whose business is
selling pegs and heather.

And now the news and the big
news this week is a new Ferrari.

Here it is. It's the F430
Scuderia convertible.

And if you are one of the 499 people
who have ordered one of those,

all we have to say to you is,
"You big daft cock."

Big mistake. Error.
A massive mistake.

Because while you were doing that,
Ferrari were working on this.

This is the replacement. Well,
yes, exactly. That's the 458 Italia.

And I have to say, from the front,
it looks absolutely exquisite,

but from the back, it looks even
exquisiter. How do you feel now?

How do you feel now?

It's just beautiful. And what's
more, this is fantastic to drive.

How can you possibly know that?

Nobody's driven it yet.

Because, a-ha! History teaches us
this, because every single time

the Ferrari Formula One team
is doing well, their road cars
are rubbish.

And every time their Formula One
car is doing badly, their road
cars are brilliant.

And this year,
do you see what I'm saying?

They can't win anything,
even an egg-and-spoon race.

He's right. The problem is,

if you've only got 100 people
working for you

and 50 of them are completely
bogged down designing a
windscreen wiper for a road car,

you haven't got enough people
left to win the championship.

And do you know why? Formula One
cars are designed by men and men
cannot do two things at once.

No, that's a good point. We can't.
Am I right? Yes, exactly.

We'll admit that,
we cannot multi-task.

"Don't ask me now, I'm
putting this pen away.

"Now you can talk. Hold on.

"OK, talk now. I breathed in.
Hold, I'm breathing out."
We can't do two...

Just breathing in and breathing out.
Is enough for us to be occupied.
Absolutely.

Now, people, can I just get serious
for a moment? Would you mind?

It's just that we've heard that
over in Amsterdam at night,
various drunken louts,

there's no other word for them,
have been picking up Smart cars,

and throwing them into the canal.
We've got a picture here.

Seriously. No, no, no...really.
Apparently, it only takes four
people

to pick one of those things up
and just lob it in the drink.

Now, I bring this up because
I'm just slightly worried

that over here in England people
might start picking up those
little electric gee-whizzes,

and throwing them in the river.
Can you imagine how awful that
would be for Mr Weird-beard

if his pride and joy were to
find itself in the Thames?

I really cannot urge you
enough not to do that.

Thinking about it, if you did lob
an electric car into a river,
wouldn't it kill all the fish?

Zzz! And they'd all float on the top.

Would it do that?

Are there any electricians here?

Yes. Would it electrocute...

Why aren't you at work?

Would it electrocute the fish?

No. Why?

The voltage is too
low and the amps...

So it turns out it's fine to
throw a gee-whizz into a canal.
Can't advise that. Yeah, it's OK.

I'm not convinced by that,
though, because I think
electricity is a mystery.

It is.

I don't actually believe in it.
You don't believe in electricity?

No, nobody really understands it.

What you are witnessing
here is Asperger's made real.

Is that what makes my
wee smell funny? No!

Oh, no, that's asparagus.

Now, you may have heard a
few days ago that Michael Schumacher

is standing in for the
injured Felipe Massa, OK?

Interesting timing. This is the
last programme in our series.

No more cars to test till
November on the track.

Suddenly, he's available.

We're not saying anything,
it's just those are the facts.

Those are simply the facts.

Actually, I do want to
talk about Felipe Massa.

Obviously, he was injured
in the Hungarian Grand Prix
when a spring hit him

in the face at 140mph.
I'm just staggered he wasn't killed!

Yes, because he weighs about
the same as what, a bag of sugar?

The thing is, he was wearing one
of those new regulation carbon-fibre

crash helmets and they are
unbelievably strong.

Because the injuries he's got,
as far as I can work out, are
very similar to the ones you got.

Yes, possibly, yes.
Frontal lobe damage,

so that's personality, emotional
control, spatial awareness, all of
that. Hopefully getting better.

Does that mean that if he
gets better - and, God,
we're all praying he does -

that he's going to become an
irritating little arse?

I mean, it's a thought.

It could. You never know
with brain damage.

Or he could come back to work
and discover the people he
works with are,

well, they've become quite
incredibly irritating.

And quite fat. It can happen.

Anyway, look, Felipe, I
know you're not watching

because you're in Italy or wherever,
but we are thinking of you.

Everybody here wishes you a
speedy recovery. Good luck.

Now, you know we used to say in the
olden days that all bad drivers

drove Volvos, particularly bikers,
OK? Now this was a good thing,

because you knew where the bad
drivers were.

You saw a Volvo, you knew it
was a bad driver. All was well.

Then Volvo started making good cars,
the T5 and so on,

the bad drivers dispersed.
We didn't know what they were in.
So what are the bad drivers in?

I think quite a few
ended up in Micras.

Nissan Micras?
You might be right, yeah.

I think quite a few
ended up in Kia Sedonas.

I think Korean cars in general.
If I see one coming towards me,
I pull over,

get out, hide behind a
tree until it's gone.

You just don't want
to take any chances.

The thing is this, if you buy a
rubbish car, what you are saying
is, "I have no interest in cars."

If you have no interest in cars,
you have none in driving. If you
have no interest in something,

it means you're no good at it,
which means you must have your
driving licence taken away.

I went on the internet this week
to compile a series of clips

of people having parking accidents,
you know, minor bumps and scrapes.

See if you can spot something
that all the cars have in common?

Here we go.
Now what's that? That's a...

Which one are we looking at?
That one? That's a Hondo.

We're not talking here about a
good driver, are we? Because
they've got the pedals muddled up.

OK, right, it's a Skoda!

Big gate there. Oh dear, no.

Worst car in the world, is it...
It is, it's a Neon.

I believe this to
be a Chrysler Neon.

Anybody driving one of those,
take their licence away
or that will happen.

It's incredible!
I think that is a Pontiac.

Yes! That's gone wrong.

Now here we are, we're
in Britain for this one.

That's a bad driver, he's
got a bus but he's made it.

And here comes the Honda! Oh! No!

It's a perfectly valid theory
because if you had absolutely
no interest whatsoever in how

the human body worked, you wouldn't
get a job as a surgeon, would you?

If you haven't got the interest,
you can't do it. You shouldn't be
allowed to do it.

Exactly. I mean, it would be like
asking him to cook Sunday lunch.

Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
Yeah, you boil the meat
or whatever... You see?

I'm not interested in food, so
I'm not interested in cooking.

There you are. You wouldn't ask him,
because he's not interested,
to cook you any food.

You wouldn't ask me to do the
washing up, you wouldn't ask
James to direct a porn film.

You say that. I think I'd actually
direct quite a good porn film.

If you directed a porn film,
it would be you arriving

at the house of the woman in
the stockings and negligee.

"I've come to fix your boiler."
And then you'd just fix it.

Might do. What's wrong with that?

Now, that is the end of the news. So
we are going to move on with this.

Ever since 1963, when Volkswagen
invented the concept

of modern television advertising,
they have been king of the hill. OK?

And they still are,
thanks to ads like this.

This is the man
who put a million on black...

and it came up red.

This is the man who
married a sex kitten,

just as she turned into a cat.

This is the man who moved into gold,

just as the clever money moved out.

This is the man...who drives...

a Volkswagen.

Everyone must have something in life
he can rely on.

Now that's all very well, but you
see, every week we make films in
which the clouds go backwards,

a super car spins around, metaphors
get tortured, and they last for
what, five minutes, six minutes?

Yes, quite. So how hard can it be
for us to make a car advert,
which is over in 30 seconds?

Well, the producers decided
that James and I should find out.

Feeling like candidates for
The Apprentice, the two of
us got dressed up as ad men,

and went to the glittering West
London offices of Goodyear,
Stickleback and Bunsen burner.

There, the ad execs showed us
the car we'd be advertising - a
diesel version of the new Scirocco.

What would be your suggestions,
to do a commercial for a Volkswagen?

At the heart of all good
Volkswagen advertising,
there is always a product truth.

It's not sort of flimflam, it's
always based on a truth that
comes directly from the product.

But you never did one
that said, "The new Beetle -

"celebrating over half a century of
Europe's greatest mass murderer."

No, cos you pick on a truth
that matters, you idiot. What?

You pick on a truth that matters.

I think what you're saying
is, if you take Peugeot,
"The drive of your life,"

that line has nothing to do
with any Peugeot product,
all of which are dreadful.

It's just an ad man went, "The drive
of your life" is a good line.

That's that point there about
you've got to look for it,
you've got to try the product out,

you've got to drive it,
experience it, and find out what
the real truths of the product are.

We ought to go to drive the car.

At first, things were looking good.

The clever thing about this is,
it doesn't really cost all
that much more than a Golf.

So, it costs the same as the Golf,
but you stand out because you've got
a Scirocco, which is better-looking.

Quality is exceptional.

Just the fit and finish of
everything in here is superb. Yes.

It's practical for a coupe.

I don't know of any coupe
currently made that's got more
space in the back then this has.

Right, let's try some sporty
driving and see if it's sporty.
I'm gonna put it into sport.

And here, on twisting,
country lanes, there weren't
any problems, either.

Brakes?
The brakes are good, actually.

The brakes are good,
steering's good.

So what you're saying is, as a
sporty car, it's pretty good? Yes.

But, we then got
to the elephant in the corner.

Right, come on.
Is it fast? Put your foot down.

BOTH: Not.

So, that's a good five seconds of
absolutely nothing in fourth gear.

But if I change to third, OK...

Right. ..then I run out of puff, so
I've got to go back to fourth again!

It's the same as all diesels,
you have just a morsel,
and then it's gone.

So, performance? No. No.

The bottom line is this -
this particular Scirocco
is a good car, ruined.

We both agree, do we not?
The car is a stupid idea.

A car that looks like this
should have a petrol engine.

Let's make that absolutely clear.
Our personal view is that you
should not buy this car.

However, we are now charged
with selling it.

So, what? What?

Back in Apprentice land,
we outlined the problem.

As far as I can make out, the
Volkswagen Scirocco is a pretty car,
and what they've done is,

they've put the engine
from a canal boat in it.

And we have to somehow make
that seem like a good thing.

The idea of building that sort
of car with that sort of engine
deserves the strap line,

"What the bloody hell
were you thinking of?"

Which isn't really going
to work as an advert.

It's not, no. You're starting from
a negative, where you should

start from a positive. You're
saying, "You've ruined a Scirocco."

Whereas, you should be saying,
"You've improved diesel." Ah!

So that you make diesel more
exciting, rather than make
Scirocco less exciting.

Edward de Bono here has hit
it on the head. We've made
diesel more interesting.

Not VW Scirocco less interesting.

You see, that's why he's
sitting there.

And we're sitting here
in rubbish clothes.

James and I then tried
some blue-sky thinking.

Imagine, if it just said,
"Volkswagen Scirocco," across
the screen, "Diesel."

And then a polar bear just
stood there and just went, "BOOM!"

No. I'm going wrong.

What if we do a campaign based
around the idea of great
ecclesiastical figures,

from Thomas Becket down - would have
driven, had they had the chance,
the Scirocco diesel?

Cos it would be shit.

OK, what about the car just
approaching in the distance,

so you've got the advertising stuff
with the road, that famous road that
they use in Spain,

where it winds round and the
hills...you've got swelling music,
and the Scirocco.

No, that's a cliche.
I would just stop right there.

Are you listening to this, James?

An advert has to say almost nothing.
It's just got to go...WOW!

Hasn't it? And BANG!
With a huge explosion.

Well, point five on how to do a
Volkswagen ad is, "Speak to the
reader, don't shout, he can hear you.

"Especially if you talk sense."

You don't blow his head off.
It's important that the advertising
has intelligence.

It can't just be explosions.

Feeling like ad men,
we went to the lavatory.

And then we went to the track,
where I let Jeremy make our
first intelligent advertisement.

The new VW Scirocco Diesel.

It's explosive!

What d'you think of that?
It's rubbish.

Why is it rubbish?
It's not funny, and it's not true.

We've been to see those clever
blokes in the agency, they've told
us what VW advertising is like,

how can you hint at 55 miles per
gallon, with an explosion?

Well, what have you got?

The new VW Scirocco Diesel
produces 138 horsepower,

and 236lb/ft of torque.

So, it's faster
than you might think.

And there's room in the back
for your mother-in-law.

Unfortunately!

'The Scirocco TDI - your
mother-in-law will love it.'

That's the worst advert I've
ever seen. Your criticisms?

Way, way too much information.
And mother-in-law jokes, James,
I mean...

I'm identifying my market.

They're old people,
old people made mother-in-law jokes,
that'll make them feel useful.

Why didn't you get someone
blacked-up going,
"The Camptown Races"?

Cos they used to watch the
Black And White Minstrel Show?

James, it's not an idea.
You can't tell mother-in-law jokes.

I fear you and I, we're going down
two very separate roads here.

James decided to do more
blue-sky thinking,

while I rushed off to make an ad
that had no explosions in it.

Here we go.

Yeah, I was in a terrible accident.

Well, I ran out of petrol,
I was on the hard shoulder

waiting for the breakdown van,
and I was hit by this massive truck.

Yeah, that happens a lot.

But it won't happen to me.

I've got the new Scirocco Diesel.

It does 55 mpg!

'The new Scirocco TDI -

'for people who value their arms.'

So, the VW Scirocco driver
is deeply unpleasant?

He's not deeply unpleasant,
it's funny!

Children love a bit of that.
Old people love a bit of blood.

Old people won't like that.
It reminds them of the Blitz.

Think of the customer.
You're saying, "Buy this car

"if you're smug and you revel
in other people's misfortune."
You can't put that on a car ad!

He's offering him advice! He's
saying, "Get a Scirocco Diesel..."

It's a bit late, his arm's come off!
He'll have the other arm!

OK, close-up on
Jeremy's tongue, please.

We pressed on with some more ideas.

She loves me not... Action!

I bet you any money
this stays intact.

Did it? No.

Right, right, right.
Right, right, right. Left! Left!

James then decided
we needed a jingle.

# Diesel Scirocco

# Gets you down to Morocco

# On one fill-up of diesel

# At 55 mpg-iesel... #

Then I decided we
didn't need a jingle.

Yes! They're here!
Imagine now, James.

Explosion! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Massive fire coming
from the gunship...

Left, left, left!
Right, right! Left, left, left!

Oh, for God's sake!

Action. The New Scirocco Diesel.

Truly biblical economy.

This isn't working, is it?
I'm sorry.

Finally, after much trial and
error, we had an ad that we
could show to the Alan Sugars.

Check this out.

This is the new Scirocco TDI.

It's pretty fast.

But a Mazda RX8
will kick its backside.

And an Alfa Brera
will vomit in its face.

They'll have to stop
for fuel, though.

And you won't.

Get ahead.
Get a new Scirocco TDI.

Stunned is the word I'm... The first
thing I'd say is that,
how fast is that Scirocco going?

Do you ever see car adverts with cars
going fast in them?

So, you aren't allowed to show,
in a car advert, a car going fast?

No. No? No.

Also, I suspect, with
some enhanced sound.

No, we never... No. There's...
No, that was the real sound.

There's screeching tyres in there,
massively accelerating engine...
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

It's not just the driving, it's the
sound that you put in.

Happily, we had an idea
which would save the day.

We will go off this afternoon, and
I can mend that advert.

OK...

I believe we have a cure.

You remember the one yesterday...?
Yep.

How could we forget it?

This is the new Scirocco TDI.

It's pretty fast.

Get ahead, get a new Scirocco TDI.

You see, we've
addressed the speed issue.

No, you haven't. It says he's doing
29. The rest of the footage

of the car is exactly
the same, so there's no difference
in the promotion of speed whatsoever.

When we talked to you,
truth and honesty

were two of the things
we talked about,
and that feels dishonest.

Well, it's still going,
it was probably going 59.

And how fast were the other cars
going?

They were going 59
as well. So, twice as fast...

The rest of the ads didn't
go down that well, either.

THEME TUNE FROM MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE

# Common rail injection, you know
that's the new direction... #

The new Scirocco TDI,
for people who value their arms.

Don't you think that is tip-top?

No.

Right...
Desperate, I decided to show them
our remake of one of their classics.

This is the man who
put a million on black -

and it came up red.

This is the man
who married a sex kitten -
just as she turned into a cat.

This is the man
who moved into gold -

just as the clever money moved out.

If only he'd waited for the
new Scirocco TDI to go on sale.

The Scirocco TDI.

Life's not so bad.

Simple, tight...

You are showing in your ad there
a suicide. Yes.

You should be able to imagine that
the regulatory body does not allow
depictions of suicide.

I mean, it's pretty positive.

You either get shot through
the head or you have a VW.

Nick and Margaret invited
us to get out of their office
and go back to the drawing board.

Jesus Christ!

D'you know why an ad man won't look
out of the window in the morning?

No. Cos then he'd have
nothing to do in the afternoon.

But then, while Jeremy was
being ridiculous, I had an idea.

If we couldn't use speed,
why not set the ad in a location
where speed is impossible?

A funeral! Job one,
get ourselves a black Scirocco.

I couldn't help noticing, it's the
petrol one. We'll dub canal boat
noises on.

I'm gonna talk to the mourners.

Yes, just get them in the car.

This is a tragedy, it's a loved one.

It will all be resolved in
the VW Scirocco Diesel.

ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH

Who's driving that...?
Who's driving the Scirocco?

Jeremy. Well,
he's got the wrong idea altogether.

My driving made James quite cross.

Let's do the funeral thing
seriously, then, at the end,
we've got the message about the VW.

It's not complicated.

The funeral can be done seriously,
but there's nothing to stop a war
plane coming in the middle?

There's me. Cos I'm directing.
Soon, he was even more cross.
So, you're driving the hearse...?

I'm driving the limousine...

EXPLOSION

Clarkson!

TYRES SCREECH

None of that is going in.

We're not doing
a comedy Carry On funeral,
we are doing a real funeral.

James and I couldn't even agree
on how to direct the actors.

OK, madam, this is where
we'd like you to cry.

In a dignified,

adult, genuine grief, rather than...

Take a good sniff
of this onion, ready?

There we go. There we go, now cry!

Cry! Cry!

To get James out of my hair,
I sent him to look for a crow.

Crow? A crow.

Have you ever seen a funeral scene
in your life without a crow in it?

There'll be one in a
tree, or in a field.

That left me free to
direct the graveyard scene.

So, if you're mourning, look sad.

You're just professionally sad.

You...should be in a bikini,
I think, to balance it out.

So, good, OK.

No, wait, hang on, it's a funeral.

Yeah, it should be a black bikini.

OK. Roll cameras...

Back! With the graveyard done, all
we had left was the closing shot.

The shot has got be quite long,
because there's quite a bit of
information to get in at the end.

No, the back should... No! No!
Yes! Yes!

Get the wheels straight.

James! Yes?
Do you want mourners in this shot?

No.

It's untidy. Action.

And pull out... James! What?

I've fallen out of the basket thing!

Anyway...

Finally, though,
our masterpiece was ready.

Argh!

With its advanced, two-litre,
common rail diesel engine,

the new Scirocco TDI -

quiet enough for any occasion.

So...

Bang!

Now, that didn't go down very
well, and it was all his fault.

Why did the car blow up at the end?

Because you wouldn't let me cut
one of the mourners' arms off.

Why was that woman in a bikini?

Because I am a genius, and you're
a fool, and that is why, after

that advert was rejected,
as well as all the others,
we decided to split up.

Yeah, we decided we'd make one more
ad each, but this time, instead of
taking them to Nick and Margaret

to judge, because they loathed
everything we did,

we thought we'd bring them here, and
let you decide which one is better.

OK? And the winner,

the winner gets this
pair of exquisitely slim
advertiser's spectacles.

Yeah! Here's mine...

Hear that, James?
The sound of silence. Nobody...

Oh... No! Why are you applauding?!

It's cerebral. That would work on
BBC Four, where there's
no commercials!

And now behold to bask in the
turbulence of my magnificence.

This is my ad.

A state of emergency has been
declared in Poland as
the mass exodus continues...

Sources in Warsaw report mass panic
as those left in the city make
increasingly frantic

efforts to escape.

..thousands of people crammed
into... Military leaders say...

..the country's road network.

The army says it's now powerless
to prevent the ongoing mass exodus.

When in doubt, use the war.

Now, the time has come to vote.

All of those who think that James's
plant advertisement has won,
raise your hands.

Six or seven quite bright
people in the audience.

And all those who think my
Berlin one has won?

YEAH!

Thank you very much, ladies
and gentlemen, thank you!

Now, a special moment is upon us,
because, you might have thought it

had gone away, but oh, no, because we
are going to do the Cool Wall! Yeah!

It's here!

Take them off!
I can't see a damn thing.

What have we got first?
We'll start off with
this, it is the Ford Focus RS.

Now, this is a
brilliant car, there's no denying it.

What d'you you think of it?
I like it. You like it. It's green.
Is it relevant, is it cool?

Cool. Yeah. Don't like the colour.

At all. Is the car...?

No. No? No, and that's odd, because
he looks like he's got an ASBO.

That is the thing about this car...
It's brilliant. Yeah.

But it's for the bloke
who's always the first to start
the singing on the aeroplane.

You know, the fellow whose
holiday sombrero is too big to get in

the overhead locker, and that's what
he drives. You're wrong.

Nobody who's got one has
been on an aeroplane -

they get stuck in airport security
with their ASBO ankle bracelet.

Yes, that's... It's a great car,
but sadly, it's got to be. It's got
to be uncool.

The Lamborghini Murcielago SV.
What are we thinking?

I'm sorry, there's a man in here...
Coming in!

What was that? Seriously uncool.

Seriously uncool.

Come with me.

I want the ladies and gentlemen
to see this.

The Amish here.

You think this is...?

Seriously uncool.

Would you think it's uncool?
Cos it's a mad sports car.

What's the matter with mad sports
cars? Seriously uncool. How long
before he stabs me?

No, I think this man is
representing... Cos he's...

He's right, ladies and gentlemen!

He's right? Because every time I see
a man, and it is invariably a man...

Go back to the audience, please.

Every time I see a man
getting out of one of these things,

and it is invariably a man, I always
think, that man is wearing a thong.

Is this just something you like
to think about? I'm confused.

Nobody with boxer shorts has
ever bought a Lamborghini.

What? BLEEP I bought a Lamborghini.
Oh, my God! You in a thong!

Ah! Ah! No! It is, I'm afraid, not
seriously uncool, but it is uncool.

Now, this is a BMW Z4.

We like this car. Very much. Not
the old model, not for wife
swappers, nobody's ever

slept with somebody called Muriel
who's married
to Frank, who has one of these.

But we'd like to put it in
the cool section of the board.

Actually, it's resisting. Ready?

It's the weirdest thing. It won't go
in the cool section, and
there's a very good reason for that.

Yeah. The good reason is, James May
has said he's thinking of getting rid

of his Porsche Boxster and getting
one of these. And, well, that means,
that's all that can happen!

That's all it'll do! We can't put it
anywhere else! It won't go!

Now, this is the Nissan 370-Z, OK?
Now, this, as far as I can work out,
is for the sort of chap who likes

a stag night. Me and the lads,
you know the sort of bloke.

He's the sort that sends you those
e-mails that take you ten minutes to
open, and they're not funny.

That's why this is cool -
you're talking about

the bloke who doesn't complain
because you've given him the
wrong olive.

The man who has one of these has
never eaten an olive - he just has
pork itchings. He's a lager lout.

No, he drinks lager, what's wrong
with that? He drinks Stella.
It's just lager.

It's not just lager! You'd be
at the bar, saying,
"Have you got anything Italian?"

This is an old gag but what
are you gonna do about that?

Thank you, that old favourite.

I'm hearing a strange mooing noise.

But you're
mistaking this for a democracy, and
it isn't one, it's a dictatorship.

Oh, dear, Hammond's
gone off in a huff.

Good! Anyway, now, I want to
talk about the Range Rover.

If you asked me, and you're
a small boy, what is the
best car in the world?

I will say, it's a Bugatti
Veyron, but the truth is...

What are you doing?

Oh, yes!

Oh, yeah!

Woah! That'll do. I'll tell you what.
Can you...?

Can you reach it there, shorty?

I can still reach that.

Look, he can't reach it,
poor little fella!

Oh! Tell you what,
from up here, it is going.

I reckon about there, there you go!

What?! No!

What I've just done, ladies and
gentlemen, is hit the kill switch!

Come on, then, come down!
It doesn't work! It's broken!

You see the Zonda,
your favourite car in the world?
Yes... No!

No! That's not right!

See if we put it down here... Yes!

Oh, look. And that. And that.
Look, I can have so much fun!

No, that's just...!

Can I come down now?

Nnnnno. Because it's time to put a
star in our reasonably-priced car.

What can I say about my guest
tonight? As the star of Rain Man,
Top Gun, Days Of Thunder,

Tom Cruise has almost certainly
been interviewed by him.

Ladies and gentlemen,
American chat show legend Jay Leno!

Thank you, thank you very much!
Thank you! I'll have a seat.

Have a seat! This is amazing.

You've been hosting your own show
in America now for what, 17 years,
five nights a week? 17 years, right.

I never thought the day would
come when you'd be here!

This is my favourite show.
We get it on BBC America.
I enjoy watching it.

And as soon as I got some free time,
you were gracious enough to invite
me, and that's why I'm here.

How can we...? The world's biggest
petrol head... Well... Apart from
Geri Halliwell.

..we've ever had here. I'll get on
to your show, if I may. You recently
had Obama Barack on...

Right. Which makes you... No, it's
the other way round, isn't it? Yeah,
but I'm somewhat dyslexic, so that's

all right with me. If people are
gonna choose their names from
Scrabble tiles, I... Anyway, so,

is it easy to get an American
President on the show, or
is it a bit complicated?

It's interesting, the difference.
I had him on as a
candidate twice before.

And each time he would come with his
jacket like on his finger,
with two guys.

As President, oh, my God.

Armies, literally armies come in.

They do a sweep of your staff, and
they go, "Are you Jeremy Clarkson?
Yes. Don't come in tomorrow.

Why? I said don't come in tomorrow!
What, just a background check think?

If you had a joint in your
sock in 1972, you don't...

And that's what they do.
You don't come in, you don't...
We were never told why.

You're just told not
to come in that day.

How weird. And does he phone
work when he's arriving, or is
that all shut down as well?

All cellphones within
60 miles are monitored.

So, be careful. So, everybody
within 60 miles of Barack...?

For key words, if there are certain
key words, they will track you down
and beat you senseless.

We're never more than 60 miles from
the Queen here, are we? We're 60
miles from the Queen.

That's got to be comforting, hasn't
it? I have to say, in terms of
America.

I used to think it was like going to
a prison, just with more food.

When you came home, you felt
like you were coming back to
a free country.

Now, it's the other way
round. You have these speed
cameras here... Just, nothing!

Like, see, in LA, people would say,
why don't you just shoot them out?

Exactly.

In LA, a day doesn't go by, you
don't see a Styrofoam cup stuck
over the lens of a speed camera.

It's not just speed cameras, there's
cameras to monitor everything.

Everything you've done since
you got here.

I'm talking about at the urinals,
I'm talking about in bed, sometimes.

Really? Oh, yeah,
Mr Brown has been recording that.

All right.
I hope he has enough tape!

Now, normally, at this stage,
when we've got people here,

I get to the point of the interview
where I say, talk about your cars.

OK. And they go, I've got
a Honda Accord, and my
wife's got a Toyota Prius, OK?

I just need you to understand how
big a petrol head we have here. OK?

So this is just his cars. Ready?

Dodge Viper, Packard
Caribbean, Chevrolet Corvette,
E-type Jaguar, Bugatti Type-37,

Lamborghini Espada, Chevrolet
Corvette ZR-1, Lamborghini Countach,

Brough Superior, Bentley Turbo-R,
Shelby Mustang 350-GT, Citroen XM,

Fiat Millicento, Corvette Z-06,
Bugatti Type-57, AC Cobra 427,
Lamborghini Miura-S...

Dodge Challenger,

Lagonda V-12, Bentley Speed Six,
Ford Model T,
another Lamborghini Miura,

Dodge Challenger RT, that's page
one. There's page two. D'you wanna
see page three? There's page three.

How the hell do you decide what
to go to work in in the morning?

Who wouldn't do that if they could?
I would, I must confess.
But see, I only have one wife.

I have one woman...

I have one woman and 150 cars.

Thank you!

See? Women know this...

Wouldn't you prefer your man coming
home reeking of transmission
fluid rather than cheap perfume?

Do you spend a lot of time
going to car shows?

That's really all I do, I work
in my garage, I like working on cars.

You'll like this story.
I had my McLaren F1 out,
I took it to a car show.

I see these two
LA gang members, scary guys,

tattoo, the thing on the neck
with the cross, the tear on the...

The whole bit. And they're looking
at my car, and I'm like, "Oh, boy!"

One of them says, "Gordon Murray
designed this, right?"
And I went, "Yeah!"

Then the other guy asked about
David Stephen, and I realised,
I'm prejudging people.

I assumed that because
they look different from me,
that they're criminals.

I felt bad about this.
I said, "You ever
been in one of these?" "No."

I said, "D'you wanna go for a ride?"
They said, "Yeah!" And I realised,
maybe this is a mistake, OK?

As big as they were outside, they
were enormous in the car. The guys'
head, and when that tattoo is here,

you know? With the
misspelled die, and everything.

All right, so, we're driving along.
Guy goes, "Go up here in the
hills, there's no traffic."

Oh, all right, so...

It's not good at this point.
There's a place called Canaan
Road, above Malibu.

There's some tunnels,
which go through the mountain.

I said, "Tell you what, I'll nail
it through the mountains, you guys
have got to hear the F1 McLaren."

I fly through the tunnel, 125.

As I come out of the tunnel,
police car right here.

Pulled over. And now I've got two
gang guys...

They're gonna run a check on these
guys, it'll be drug dealers, my
McLaren will be towed,

they'll drag it to impound,
I'll be arrested for going 100
and... Cop pulls over.

The Highway Patrolman goes, "Know how
fast you're going?" The two guys go,
"We're police officers." No way!

They were undercover,
they were undercover!

Exactly! It was like the
greatest day of my life.

That's just complete win-win.

We don't get that at the
Goodwood Festival Of Speed.
A couple of gang members...

American drivers...

I was talking to Stephen
Fry about this when he came
on a couple of weeks ago.

One of the things we notice,
if you

want to change lanes, you indicate,
nine times out of ten, the guy will
let you pull in.

That never happens in America.
Why can't people see that
you need to pull off...?

Because we're working on the
computer, we are drinking a soda,

we are doing any number of things
way more important than driving.

I do a thing - called Headlines -
we'd show advertisements
for different products.

And one was a laptop that fit on your
steering wheel, it clamped in,
so you could do this...

And this was legal!
They were selling this!

It had a cup holder here,
so you could work the internet
while you were driving your car.

And learning so much!

Now, obviously, you came here
to do a lap, in a car with a
steering wheel on the correct side.

The steering wheel is on
the wrong side. The spring
was broken in the shifter.

Yet, in that British tradition,
I soldiered on. How did it go?

OK, I mean, as long as I don't
get beat by Helen Mirren, I'm OK.

Helen Mirren, where is she?

Where is she? There she is, 1.528. I
think I did better than that.

Shall we find out how Jay got on?
Yes!

Here's your lap, in a Lacetti.

There we go, we're off,
plenty of smoke on the start.

Race car driving's
like sex, all men think
they're good at it.

So, you've got a smooth style there.

We could learn a lot from...
Oh, very smooth.

Much like the sex.

If it doesn't go well, blame it on
the car. Dressed up as Malboro Man.

Oh, I can't say that, can I?

Dressed up as Cowboy Man.
That's smooth again.

That's a little better, at least
I didn't miss a gear that time.

This is the Hammerhead,
this is where you can make
or break your lap.

You must be pleased with that.
Seems all right.

Looking good. Looking very good
coming out, maybe a little bit fast.

The Stig is quite a good instructor,
considering...he doesn't talk.

Let's have a look at this. This
is flat out through there.

Not bad. Yeah. Oh, that's quick!

That was very quick.
Brake, down to third.

Come on, this is the hard...

Yes! That's what I call a corner!

Now, it's Gambon.

That's Michael Gambon, around there,
maybe too much understeer.
But across the line!

Let's find out how you got on.

All right.
You did it...in one minute...

Yes?

..40... Yes?

..8.8.

You're way faster than Helen Mirren!

Oh, all right. You are...

In the middle of the pack.
..between Doctor Who and Will Young.

Actually, I did that once in LA.
Yeah.

This is a good place.

Are you the fastest American?
I'll take fastest American.

I'm just looking.

No, Mark Wahlberg! Mark Wahlberg.
You're the second fastest American!
Second fastest. Wow!

There we go, Jay Leno, everybody!

Jeremy, thank you, thank you,
everybody! Thank you so much!

Still here, obviously.

Now, at this point, I should be
down there, by that car.

But I'm not,
obviously, so please bear with me.

What that car is,
is the Aston Martin Vantage,
that's the smallest car they make.

But they just fitted it with their
510 horsepower, six-litre, V12.

And Jeremy decided to take it out
to see what it's like.

Well, it's an Aston Martin
Vantage, with a V12 engine.

So, what d'you think
it's gonna be like?

It is fantastic.

It's wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful.

What it makes me feel, though,

is sad.

I just can't help thinking that,
thanks to all sorts of things -

the environment, the economy,
problems in the Middle East, the
relentless war on speed,

cars like this will soon be
consigned to the history books.

I just have this
horrible, dreadful feeling that what
I'm driving here...is an ending.

Good night.

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