Original subtitles

One minute!

Afternoon tea service in 55 seconds!

Leave him!

45 seconds!

Hey, who do I talk to if I need Thursday off?

Lovely. Everything looks absolutely... Absolutely scrummy.

Yum, yum. I fucking love tea.

Can I feed Camilla a sugar cube?

Just one.

Oh, she took it.

She's a good girl.

Would you pour a little bit of tea down Prince Philip's throat?

With pleasure, Your Royal Highness.

It's, uh, closed, ma 'am.

Here, let me give it a try.

Sometimes it sticks.

All right, Grandpa, let's open your mouth for William.

Really stuck this time. Is it like opening a jar? Maybe run it under hot

Why am I even participating in this?

Oh, neat.

Demi Lovato is non -binary.

Good for them.

Oh, look, you got it open.

Good as new.

I would like a treat.

I would like a treat. The Queen would like a treat.

Oh, Mummy, look at all the yummy, yummy, yummies. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy,

yummy. Yummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy.

You sound like a fucking idiot.

That's why you're not king, in case you're wondering.

Sorry I got caught up.

A selection of all your favourites, ma 'am. Where's the flummery tart?

Where's the flummery tart?

I don't see it. I don't... Oh, there it is.

I'll have that.

Very good, ma 'am.

Gimme, gimme.

So I went online to see what was new with Uncle Harry and Auntie Megan, and I

couldn't find a thing.

Isn't that odd?

I would have thought she'd have at least popped up in a tampon commercial by

now.

Excuse me.

You're fired.

Sorry? You heard me.

I won't tolerate your constant coughing and hacking.

Oh, Mummy, don't. I love that one. You are so weak, Charles.

Like this fucking tea.

Get him out of here.

Bye, Felicia.

From this day forward, you will be in charge of the tea service.

I don't know what to say, ma 'am.

I'm honoured. And I want you to know that I'm super easy and just have fun

it. Oi!

Tea!

Thank you.

Okay, that kid freaks me out.

Okay, slow down. What exactly did she say to you again? A promotion.

She gave me a promotion, Greg.

I didn't think things could possibly get any better after our wedding.

With the extra money, we could start saving for a surrogate. Nothing would

me happier than for us to raise a baby in this drawer.

That dresser has two drawers.

Twins, could you imagine?

I could.

Don't you see? It's all happening for us. We're going to be one of those

couples.

It's just... What?

Pea service is a lot.

Do you really think I'm up to it?

You listen to me, Douglas Mitchell Thorpe. I knew when I met you that first

changing Prince Philip's diaper that you were destined for even greater things.

That was already more than I had ever dreamt for myself.

But I've learned to dream bigger.

Thanks to you, I believe in you.

Just make sure he has that fucking tart.

Do you feel rested?

Not really.

Hey, Harry, I'm gonna... Okay, what are you doing?

Hanging out.

You know, relaxing.

Um, okay.

It looks like you're standing kind of rigid and formal. Not at all relaxed.

Really? No.

Opposite, actually.

Jesus, what did they do to you?

Anyway, would you mind looking after Archie? I have an audition.

Is it for Martin Scorsese? It's for Last Man Standing. But my agent said it

could be recurring.

I'm sure it's wonderful, darling. It only sounds shitty.

Yeah. Thanks.

Okay. See you later.

Oh, would you pick up some milk?

Everybody, may I have your attention?

I said, may I have your attention?

We are about to begin tea service.

I know some of you are anxious. Some of you are frightened.

But know this.

We do this for our queen.

It will be difficult. Some of us will fall.

But together, we will succeed.

We will give them biscuits. We will give them tea. We will give them guns.

Or we will die trying.

For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

Yay!

Bravo!

Bravo! Edmund, bring the flummery tar right away.

Now, does anybody have a question?

Yeah, who do I talk to if I need Thursday off?

Buck! Buck, I say!

The tarts.

Cheers. Thanks, mate.

Can nobody fix that?

I think the hinge is broken.

Just leave it. It's easier to put stuff in that way.

See?

Happy as a clam.

I told you I'll call when it's safe.

Wait. What's going on with you?

George is pretty.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Camilla, you should ask Mummy if she wants to do Pilates with you.

Yes, she would adore it.

Mummy? Camilla's desperate for you to do Pilates with her.

You know when I'm available, Camilla?

When fucking hell freezes over.

How dare she say I need Pilates?

She's going to think about it and give back to you, darling.

Flummery tart, ma 'am.

I don't like this.

But it's been your favourite for 90 years.

Yeah, and I just got sick of it. Now take it away. I never want to see it

Of course, ma 'am.

Ah, fuck.

If I ever see that tart again, you piece of shit, we'll be serving tea out of

your severed head. Do you understand me? Yes, of course, ma 'am.

Apologies.

I think he's doing a rather good job.

Yes, bang on.

Excuse me. Milk?

Fuck off. Right.

Okay, Arby.

Milk? Go to hell, asshole.

Aww, cute baby.

Thanks.

Milk?

Milk?

Milk? End of aisle one.

For your kindness, sir.

Um, okay.

What'd he give you? Get away, it's mine!

Fuck me.

The whole aisle is a refrigerator.

So today it went, you know, OK.

I think you did fabulous.

Doesn't everyone think Douglas did fabulous?

Don't.

Now, first order of business, the flummery tart.

We don't need them ever again.

She went off.

So what do we do about those things down there, then?

Yeah.

Somebody needs to take care of that whole situation.

So, I'll leave that to somebody.

Any other thoughts?

Reminder, I'm not here Thursday.

I know!

Hi, Kate, it's Megan. I was just wondering if you've heard from Harry?

Megan?

Megan Markle, your sister -in -law.

Oh, never mind, he's here.

Wonderful, darling.

Who was that?

Megan. Some tosser gave her our number.

Oh, sh...

Don't miss her.

Where have you been?

The most incredible thing happened.

I found this place. You're not going to believe it. Stacks and stacks of food as

far as the eye could see. And people just roaming the corridors taking it.

Mm -hmm.

So how was your audition?

The show was canceled by the time I got there.

Well, we don't need you to work anyway because I'm able to find this.

Game on, America!

Okay, well, you don't get paid for that, but I'm super happy for you. You're

figuring things out, I guess.

What happened to your ring? I gave it to the working people.

We're the working people!

I'm sorry, I just, uh... I need a drink.

I don't know about this.

It's like getting rid of mice.

Okay. Right, that makes sense.

Mice.

They're like mice.

Very humane.

Good. Good.

Holy shit!

Ah, that's done.

So, what are the big plans for this day?

Ugh, people keep sending me stuff.

It's... Literally never -ending.

Hey, do you want a jar of La Mer?

I would love a jar. I'm kidding. These are like 500 pounds.

Okay, let's go over my day tomorrow.

You have school and nap and snack, Your Royal Highness.

Okay, I'll need reminder texts for all of those.

Really good job lately, O. You've been crushing it. And you have a play date

later this week, sir.

Why am I just hearing about this now?

It's been on your schedule for weeks, sir. I'm not in the mood for one of your

excuses, so spare me.

First, we'll need a theme.

Start thinking Truman Capote's Black and White Ball. Oh, here I am doing all the

work again. Big surprise.

And I want the guest list kept very exclusive. Do you understand me?

Of course.

If Charlotte shows up, so help me God.

You know what?

This is going to be fun, O.

I have no doubt with you hosting, it will be the party of the decade, sir.

Aw, thanks, Owen.

I feel bad about before now.

You could have that jar of La Mer if you want.

The one that's cracked in half, not the good one.