Original subtitles

You can buy the finest things, like frozen diamond rings, yet still

missing. Can't buy love, can't buy love. You can hang out with all the

superstars, drive a big long fancy car, yet still something's missing.

Can't buy love, can't buy love. But you go on and on, knowing something's wrong,

and you refuse to do what's needed.

Something's wrong, something's wrong. So your life is in a bind.

And you can't seem to find some adventure.

And it's ugly cold.

Money can't buy you everything.

Can't buy you everything.

Money can't buy you love.

Money can't buy you everything.

No, no.

Money can't buy you love.

Once upon a time, in the land of the very, very, very rich, there lived a

sleeping beauty who had yet to be awakened sexually, and her very

prince charming.

Why, even all of the king's horses and all of the king's men couldn't give her

an orgasm.

Our story begins one bright and cheerful morning when we find Prince Charming

kissing and licking and biting a very frigid sleeping beauty.

Good morning, Trent, darling.

I'm famished. Would you like something else to eat? I'll ring up the servants

and have freedom jar of a service breakfast in bed.

I'm exhausted.

Would you please... hurry up. I'd like to get up and brush my teeth.

Tiff, darling, how can you talk about food and brushing your teeth when I'm

practically buried inside your cunt? I wish you wouldn't use that word. It

sounds so cheap.

Besides, the proper word is vagina.

Servants.

They're never around when you need them.

I wonder what they're up to.

Well, you couldn't get two cents for what the rich folks are doing upstairs.

But downstairs, the maid and butler are fucking like a million.

it with servants.

You think it's polite to fuck when they need it?

You think it's polite for them to need us when we're fucking?

Please.

I

must

confess that it's a learn -off when we both make love, and neither one of us

achieve a climax. Because you never give me enough time.

I was about to have an orgasm when you stopped me just then.

Why can't you be like other husbands and have premature ejaculations?

Because I am trying to be considerate of you.

See, I am waiting for you to have an orgasm.

As a matter of fact, I've been waiting a year for you to have an orgasm.

Oh, baby.

Oh, yeah.

So let's eat.

No. Fuck no.

I will not allow that uncool word in my presence. Well, maybe if we would do it,

I wouldn't have to talk about it. Dirty talk has never turned me on, and I will

not allow dirty talk in my house.

Want me to fuck the shit out of you, don't you, baby?

You want my hot cock?

Yes, Daddy. Baby wants you to fuck her.

Baby wants your hot cock inside of her.

Tell me to fuck you, baby.

Say, fuck me, Daddy.

Fuck me, Daddy.

Well, say, fuck me hard, Daddy.

Fuck me hard, Daddy.

I think they're sleeping right through my ringing.

We tried that one last night. I didn't feel a thing.

I think that I have very little sex drive.

As a matter of fact, I think I'm frigid.

Listen to this.

It's the involvement exercise.

You don't get involved.

That's the trouble with you, Tiff. You refuse to break down those moralistic

barriers taught to you by your Victorian mother.

Of course, having a Methodist preacher for a father didn't help you much

And you didn't believe me when I told you I was a virgin when we met.

And I never thought that you were going to turn into such a Dr. Jekyll and Mr.

Hyde sex drive. You have got to break down your sexual prejudices.

You do want to save our marriage, don't you?

If I have to take one more cold shower, I'll kill myself.

Oh, no.

All right.

I'll try harder.

What's the name of that exercise?

It's the involvement exercise.

Let's try position number three.

This is the involvement exercise, right?

Involve.

What a shit.

It's gonna happen.

Sounds like Mr.

Tremaine's throwing a wild fuck into Mrs. Tremaine.

Not bloody likely.

Not the ice maiden of Knob Hill.

Come on, love. I was just about to give you my juices.

Oh shit!

Yeah? I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna... Oh, no.

Not again.

Oh, yes.

It's no use. I wasn't enjoying myself.

You selfish slut.

You... Oh, I forgive you. I realize you're... Yeah.

Upset. Forgive me.

Yes? Well, there you are.

Stop whatever it is you are doing and get our breakfast.

We'd like you to serve us a bed.

Frida? Are you all right?

Yes, ma 'am, I'm fine.

I thought I heard you moan.

Just a slight pain in the back, ma 'am.

I'm fine now.

Sounds like Jarvis is down in her back.

They're fucking, dear.

Well, tell her to stop whatever it is she's doing and fix our breakfast.

No, no, no, no. I want to listen.

It might give me a hot flash.

I refuse to listen to those disgusting sounds. They sound like two wild

Am I fucking you hard enough, baby? Tell me I'm fucking you too hard.

She can do the work of three.

I'll sure be glad when the new cook comes.

I'm an upstairs maid. I'm not a cook.

And I hope she's ugly as sin for your benefit.

You know, I was thinking about what we were talking about upstairs, about being

rich.

You don't mind, do you?

I mean, that we're someone else's servants?

Not as long as you keep serving me like you did this morning.

Friendship is what I should have married for.

Friendship, loyalty, and companionship. Then you should have married a German

shepherd.

Look, there is one way we could save our marriage. If you really wanted to try.

Lodestone.

If Lodestone.

I saw a segment on 69 Minutes last month. It's that sexual encounter group

Carmel.

Oh, that's the group.

that have sort of a pornographic est.

Yeah, that's the one.

Well, I don't know.

All those men pawing all over me.

It's all part of the therapy.

It's supposed to help you remove all your sexual inhibitions.

Look, I'm going to have a crash course today.

If we left right now, we could be back by nightfall.

What do you think?

I'll think it over during breakfast.

But first...

I'm going to have a talk with those servants.

You know, I think you should let them stay on.

Maybe they could teach us something.

It's your side.

Straighten up.

Come in.

Good morning, sir.

Is everything all right, sir?

Is everything all right, ma 'am?

I think not.

Tiffany, darling, we can discuss that later.

No. Take this trash away.

Is there anything else I can do for you, ma 'am?

Yes. I would like you to disrobe.

I'll undress you.

I tried, dear. Remove Frida's clothes.

There goes breakfast.

Help me. Come on, put those things up.

That's it. Now get into our bed, both of you.

Snap it up.

Don't dirty our sheets.

That's it. Quickly.

Look lively.

That's it. It's rigged enough.

Will you hurry up, ladylike.

You know, I think her pilot light's gone out.

Probably some kinky sex game rich people play on their servants.

Really? They'll probably want us to watch them fuck in our clothes.

Watch and see if they don't.

Enter.

of Mr. Tremaine.

Continue.

Darling, that time again.

Oh, no.

Didn't we just do it last month?

Darling, all I want to do is put my pee -pee in your tee -pee.

Don't use that kind of language in front of me or I'll become a nun.

Freedom Jarvis and Leah, I'll never forgive you for eavesdropping.

Oh, but madam, you've left your intercom on on several occasions.

Trent, do you really sound like that?

Do I really sound like that?

There is something wrong with our sex life.

I'll go with you to Lone Star.

In fact, let's go right this minute.

into Lodestone to be ravaged by perfect strangers.

I may as well go as a maid, not as a rich woman.

In fact, I'll go as Frida and Jarvis Lear.

Wonderful.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I'm expecting a new maid.

She's Cuban.

I hired her to help me brush up on my Spanish.

Trent is taking me to Spain for our anniversary.

And don't forget, I want you both to take good care of the house while we're

gone. In fact, you can be lord and lady of the castle. That should be fun.

We borrowed your identity, and you're welcome to ours.

If you're good, we'll give you a raise when we return.

Have a nice trip, ma 'am. You haven't forgotten anything now, ma 'am, have

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my love, this is.

In America, everything is awkward backwards.

I think I like working here, if you know what I mean.

Oh,

I'm going to love this.

Who are you?

Buenos dias, senora y senora. Oh, I'm sorry.

I have to speak English now that I'm in America.

Mr. and Mrs. Tremaine. No, no, no. Yes, we are.

And you must be Mrs. Kelly Ansel?

Me. I'm muy grande supporter of the Women's Liberation Movement, ERA.

I'm Tiffany Tremaine, mistress of the house.

And this is Trent Tremaine, master of the house.

No buts, dear. You've already had mine twice this morning.

I would appreciate it if you would not use our first name.

Mr. and Mrs. Tremaine will do.

Servants must know their place.

Now let us show you yours. The kitchen.

Aliente, you're not wearing any other pants.

I mean, it's very unsanitary.

I hope you wear a hairnet in the kitchen.

Do you mean you want me to wear a hairnet over my pussy?

So I don't get no public hair in the soup, I suppose.

You Americans are strange.

Well, my husband will show you the kitchen while I go upstairs and freshen

I'd like to have some lunch out by the pool.

Don't bother fixing anything special.

Just whatever you're used to fixing is fine.

Of course, we both love Mexican food.

Tortillas and tacos and pasta.

We're always flying down to Rio and other cities in Mexico just to get some

pasta. Right, Trent, darling? Oh, right, dear, right.

Of course, when you're filthy thinking rich, anything is possible.

Even putting Rio in Mexico, huh?

Where is the rest of the help?

Oh, we've given them the day off.

You'll love them. They're very nice people.

What's their name? Maybe I know them from another job.

Uh, Frida and Jarvis Lear.

They're the best help we've ever had.

You mean I have to do everything myself?

Cooking, the cleaning, answer the phone, do the laundry, take out the garbage?

I'm afraid so.

That's not so much.

I do more than that in Cuba.

And I also had to give the boss man good head.

I have to work now.

Now I have some boss man.

Which way to the kitchen?

Miss Caliente, we would appreciate it from now on if you would use the service

entrance for one round back with the empty scotch bottles by the door.

I quit if I have to use the service entrance.

I'm a minority woman, and I only choose front entrance.

Now I can both have a big tamale and pants.

Mrs. Caliente, you'll have to excuse my wife.

Call me Chilly.

I'm a hard woman.

Chilly, don't you see my wife?

She's a frigid woman.

I fix. I do something in her lunch that I have great big desire.

He's so big.

What would you like for lunch, Mr. Bosner?

I would like a twat sandwich.

And what is a twat sandwich?

A piece of meat between two hot cross buns.

No comprendo.

In plain English, I want some hot ass.

I'm Cuban, not Greek.

But I'm in America now, so I try Greek if you want me to.

Now, one sandwich coming up. I'll call you when it is ready.

Por favor.

We have to stop this charade. Do you realize that just now I practically

seduced the cook thinking I was Trent Tremaine?

We can't go through with this.

Why not? The Tremaines gave us... permission.

I just don't think it'll do us any good pretending we're something we're not for

a few hours.

Jarvis Lear, if you rob me of this one chance of being rich, I'll never speak

you again.

I just want to know how it feels.

Then I'll go back to being plain free to the maid.

Promise?

I promise.

Yes?

Senor Bosman, your lunch is ready.

Come and get it while it's hot.

I'll be right down.

Well, being rich does agree with you.

Just give me a few hours of being rich.

Now you better hurry and get your lunch, dear. It seems to be getting cold.

Silly. About done yourself.

Isn't it a bit hot in here?

The last place I worked, they tell me I cannot boil water.

So I chose Bosman, but I could.

Night, son.

Remind me of my native country.

So hot, sultry, and sexy.

Eat.

Oh, you see?

Eww.

Oh, my God.

oh wow

Chili pepper me. Chili pepper.

Oh, I wish Thorin's rich men were so easy to cook for.

Shucks, no comments.

La cucaracha ya no puede caminar, porque le falta, porque le falta.

Please, don't call me senora.

Mrs. will do.

And to be perfectly frank with you, Ms. Caliente, I'm worried about the effect

of your not wearing any panties on the male staff.

No worry, Mrs. Clement.

I have taken care of many male staff, if you know what I mean.

Good evening, Mrs. Clement.

Senor Bosman is waiting for his dessert.

We'll go and give it to him.

Wealth breeds impatience, you know.

oh

I don't know what they put in these beans but I want the recipe.

Did Mrs. Tremaine enjoy her lunch?

She's gonna love it. I put some Spanish fly on top of the fried beans.

She's gonna be so hot.

She is going to eat the whole enchilada.

Holy shit.

Hey, pool boy.

Yeah, I ain't no boy.

So I see.

Would you mind coming inside and giving me a hand?

I'll give you two of them.

Where's Jimmy, our regular pool boy?

The one with all the pimples.

He's my kid brother.

He went away to camp for the summer.

My name's Dirk.

Who are you?

Mrs. Tremaine.

You're Mrs. Tremaine?

You look shocked.

What did your kid brother tell you about me?

Well, he said you were a real fox, but... But cold, right?

Yeah, he said you're a real fox, but frigid.

In fact, he said you're the only married woman on his route that hasn't tried to

jump his bones yet.

Do I look cold? cold to you, Dirk?

No.

Would a cold woman do this?

No.

You know, Dirk, you've got more to take care of around here than just the pool.

Take it easy, I'll come.

You got me hot as hell.

Well, then let's get hotter.

You know what you're under, pussy?

They must be joking.

No, I'm owner and operator of Slavon's Sexual AIDS Company out of Dallas,

Here's a free sample of Slavon's Endure.

If your boyfriend, husband, lover, girlfriend, or all of the above is

hard time sustaining climax, just smear a little bit of this on your lips, and

next time you give head, you'll last all night, and so will they. You must be

joking.

Oh, and by the way, here's a...

A new fragrance called Corral for the man.

The man who's hung like a horse.

No kidding.

There's lady of the house in there.

What's the matter? You don't think I'm the lady of the house?

You don't think half Cuban woman can be lady of big mansion like this?

What's the matter? You prejudice?

And did anyone ever tell you that you talk with a funny accent?

You must be a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

What is your shit?

My shit?

Oh, you mean my shit.

Well, sugar, I don't wear my lay -on.

Now, if you'd be so kind as to call the Zinora dealer, don't push your luck to

having enough trouble with your English.

Besides, no one here needs sexual aid.

Believe me, I know from experience.

If you know what I mean.

Say, wait a minute.

I give my last toast to Mrs. Tremaine.

I sure do. I got several flavors.

I got statutory grape, banana cream, and cinnamon hole.

You got jalapeno flavor?

Nope.

That's too bad. I like to mix my Spanish flag with my eggplant.

That way I can come when I go.

That's the worst joke I ever heard, and I should know because I'm from Texas.

Big yoke in Cuba.

Castro Febrez. Who is it, Chili?

It's me, Thunder Clap.

Thunder Pussy.

Are you Mr. Jermaine?

Yes, sometimes.

Well, you're just the hombre I came all the way from Texas to see. I'm Magnolia

Thunder Pussy, owner and operator of Slave on Sexual AIDS out of Dallas.

Last month you sent for a Purple Passion home remedy kit.

I believe you stated that your wife was free.

That is why I wanted the Spanish flag.

I put my life in ministry, ma 'am. Pretty funny.

Would you mind if I take a little bit of your time?

I have a questionnaire that I'd like you to fill out.

What's the matter, Senor Bosman? You still hungry?

Here's another free sample, sugar.

Why don't you run along and abuse yourself?

I'm Cuban. I don't refuse anything free. I can believe that.

I'd be in the kitchen, Senor Bosman, practicing boiling water.

Now, Mr.

Tremaine, I need a more private place to conduct my survey.

Would you happen to have some place where two people can be alone on this

thread?

I have just the place, Miss Magnolia.

You can call me Thunder Pussy.

You must have been busting broncs in that bed.

Just what part of the spread is this, anyway?

Servant's quarters.

You mean you let the servants sleep in the main house?

Back in Texas, my daddy made them sleep out in the bunkhouse.

You own a ranch in Texas?

My daddy does, in a few measly acres.

And where are the few acres?

Downtown Dallas.

Now, let's get down to business.

As I stated, you wrote that your wife is frigid.

Did any of the products in the home remedy kit help the situation?

No. Sure, that's awful.

Now, don't be afraid to answer the questions as honestly as you can.

All answers be kept in strict confidence.

Until I publish my book.

Now, did you fuck, suck, rim, or all of the above?

Just fucking suck.

No rim?

Too bad.

And

which

product did you use?

The Oriental Dragon Vibrator.

And the strawberry lube.

Strawberry lube for a frontal attack?

My, your wife must be young.

Now, before we go any further, I'll need to get your measurements.

Well, I'm six feet two and I weigh... No, no, I mean your dick measurements,

both soft and hard.

Well, I don't know. I've already come three times today.

My, you are a stud horse, ain't you?

But don't worry.

I ain't the owner and operator of the slave on sexual aids for nothing.

Now you just drop those drawers and I'll flip into my measuring outfit.

here come on oh crap i said soft measurement i didn't think it'd be that

well come on we got to get an erect measurement now i don't think that can

it we have to have any red measurements but we can find out that to cause your

wife's problem now which one of these colors you want to get sucked off with

sucked off pick a color excellent choice

my favorite passionate persimmon purple

Contains a patent and COX stimulator called Gemiticus Erecticus.

Now get that thing up here.

for your wife's recreation.

Yeah.

Come on, Dr. Percy.

Come on.

Ride me.

Oh, ride it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Where you going, bitch?

To the kitchen.

This is the lady, all right.

You think so?

Yeah, look at the way she's dressed.

This is the lady.

I'm no lady, I'm the cook.

Ah, cook, don't dress like that.

But, but... Oh.

You think a Cuban woman can be lady of big mansion like this?

Why not?

How dare you knock on high -class door like this?

Just the servant's entrance, you greasy gringos.

You're looking for a certain Mr.

Trent Tremaine.

And who shall I say is calling?

You tell him three of the pussy mallas wants words with him now.

Tres? Yeah.

Dildo's outside.

Case in place.

Dildo? Why'd you call him Dildo? Because he's always got his head up his ass.

If anybody wants to know who the pussy mallas are, you tell them we're an

offshoot of the Hells Angels.

My husband. is a high -class man.

What business has he with show -offs of the health angels? Hey, what?

Easy, Ethel.

His name is Ethel?

What's the matter, peep -squawk? You a funny person?

He wouldn't laugh if I were you.

The last cunt that laughed at him, he ravaged with his six -inch vibrating

tongue. Besides, your husband, he owes money to a gent.

We've given her a certain permission.

to make a little impression of his face out in the cement, if he don't come up

with the money.

My husband is taking a siesta.

He had a hard day.

If I was your husband, I'd have a hard day and a hard night.

In fact, I'd have a hard -on all the time.

In fact, he's got a hard -on right now.

Do not say such things, señor queer.

I won't ever be again, believe me. Do you understand?

Amore mio.

Oh, my poor husband.

He's got meek of magnesia.

Mr. May, there's a little honor there to $10 ,000 smackaroos, you know? What?

Money! What smackaroos?

Simoleon taco breath!

You don't come up with the money, you're going to take it out of your wife's

ass. Oh, no, buster. You no take out no smackaroos and no simoleons from my

house.

Okay, you gonna pay up?

Chili.

Thunder pussy.

I have a confession to make.

I'm not Trent Germain.

I'm Jarvis Lear, the butler.

We at Lodestone

welcome you with open arms, open hearts, and open legs.

Open up your space and share it with us.

And you will get it.

Do they have it?

No!

Will they get it?

Yes!

That's what we want to talk to you about.

Frida.

Travis Lear.

And to get it, you must have total honesty with your fellow assholes.

No false prejudices.

No false morals. No false pride.

Just truth.

Total fucking truth!

At this time, I wish to invite our graduates on stage to share their

experiences in this trust exercise.

I will ask you to share your experiences with us.

I'm going to ask you some questions that you must answer truthfully as possible.

Trust us.

Trust yourselves in my hands.

Now, Frida, tell me, what is the first thing that happens to you when you

get into bed?

I get into bed with a good book.

I get into bed with a good hard -on.

Asshole of assholes! Do you have a hard -on?

I think that's physically impossible.

But not mentally impossible.

Tell me the feeling in your crotch when you see your husband's... What do you

call it?

His penis.

Ah! Do not avoid this reality scientific propaganda!

What does he do with his dick?

Crick.

Cock.

He inserts it in my vagina.

Ah, sheist!

More scientific drivel! There's no room for science here!

Only the facts!

Facts! Facts!

Can't do it! He crams it up your snatch.

He crams it up my snatch.

He rams it up your pussy.

He jams it up your asshole.

He jams it up my asshole.

And look at Jarvis's cock, dick, prick is getting hard.

He wants to ram it, jam it, and cram it up your snatch, cunt, pussy.

And what does that mean?

It means he wants to fucking...

put his cock, dick, prick.

My cunt, Nat, put me. And what will happen to you?

I... I don't know.

Ah, this fucking slut.

Ah, how's this fucking dog?

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Okay, for the last time, Mr. Tremaine. Are you Mr. Tremaine? And for the last

time, no!

I'll lose my job for sure.

I'm Jarvis Lear, the butler.

My wife, Rita Lear.

Who's posing as Tiffany Tremaine.

Is in the sauna house.

Masturbating.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

I said you were crazy.

Is this your husband?

Yeah, she got horseshit for brains.

Who's she?

She's a cuck.

Who's she?

I have never seen her before in my existence.

I had it.

I want the money.

I'm gonna rape a lady.

Huh?

Could I interest you in a handy -dandy rape kit? Shut up!

I haven't raped you somewhere before.

You do have horseshit for brains.

I'm gonna fuck you!

I'm gonna fuck you!

Get the fuck out of here.

I want to feel your heart calm in my mouth.

I want to feel it striking the back of my throat.

And your balls hanging on my chin.

Very fast.

Very fast.

Got dick lady So

nice so nice

Oh, you've got to be ready for this dish.

I want it in my cup. Right in your cup. Baby, give it to me. Oh, you've got to.

Give it to me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

Red, I love it.

How do you feel?

Oh, I feel his hard cuffs deep inside me. All the way

inside me. Describe it, Frida.

Oh, it's sliding in and out of my wet pussy.

Take it, Frida.

And his balls, they're striking my ass like gentle socks.

Like a mouse with a...

that's trying to let him die.

Sure is a bitch.

Frida and Jarvis Lear, I hope you can explain this over a simple dinner.

Mr. Trent Tremaine.

Mrs. Tiffany Tremaine.

What?

To my beautiful wife, who has given me the best day of my life.

All right.

Let's eat.

They've got a lot of money.

They've got everything.

They live in San Francisco.

They really love to swing.

They've only got one problem. I thought it was a major one.

They can fuck and blow like when neither one can count.

Filthy rich.

Diamond mirrors on the ceiling.

Filthy rich.

But they cannot get the feeling.

Filthy rich. Having sex is so frustrating.

Filthy rich. When it can't be simulated.

She made every sound when it turned her upside down But he could do no good

cause her cut was made of wood

For three hours.

leave the theater yet.

Our movie isn't over.

Don't you want to know what happened to our sex -crazed cast of characters?

Frida and Jarvis Lear are giving sex demonstrations at Berkeley and are busy

penning their autobiographies. Screw the filthy rich.

Tiffany Tremaine screwed poor Trent Tremaine to death.

She inherited all his money and was last known to be living with a guru in

Azusa, California.

Spike and Ethel, after being savagely raped by the insatiable Chili, reverted

homosexuality and run a flower shop called Spike and Ethel's Petal Shop.

Magnolia Thunderpussy immediately took a vow of chastity and joined the convent,

where she runs a home for unwed lesbians who call her Sister Mary Pussy.

And last, but certainly not least, Chili Caliente now owns and operates a string

of twat taco stands in Tijuana.

As she was overheard saying recently, if God had not meant for man to eat pussy,

he wouldn't have made it look like a taco. Cha -cha -cha.

Well.

Don't just sit there.

Zip up your pants and close those raincoats and leave.

But, honey, we'll see you again soon.

Oh, do me, do me!

My turn!

Oh, damn you, Arch! Diamond mirror's on the ceiling!

Filter it! Oh, but it cannot get the ceiling!

Filter it!

Having sex is so frustrating!

Filter it!

When it should be stimulating!