Original subtitles

Wrong again.

Fifteen seconds slow.

Riggs, where is everyone? Where's Mr. Gratton? Mr. Gratton? Yes.

Here I am, Mrs. Riggs. I'm right here.

Why, of course you are. I can see you. I'm not blind, am I? Thank you, Mrs.

Riggs. Gratton?

I think, as my secretary, you might afford a new tie occasionally.

Oh. Or else have the rooms redecorated.

And another thing.

That clock in the hall is fifteen seconds slow.

You'd better send for the clockmaker. But only yesterday, Miss Whitt. Very

then. Get another clock.

Decorate room, get another clock. Well, what are you all standing around like a

lot of ninnies for?

Serve the breakfast. Serve the breakfast.

Grattan? Yes, Miss Whitt?

I heard a rooster crow at half past six this morning. Oh, dear, dear.

Find out who's responsible and dismiss him. Dismiss Rooster, yes, Mrs. Wake? I

must have absolute quiet until half past seven. Yes, Mrs. Wake. I can't have

jealous sleep disturbed.

No, Mrs. Wake. Well, well, well, where is everybody?

Where's Alicia?

Good morning, Aunt Verona. Good morning. It's practically afternoon.

And I don't like the way you've done your hair.

You sleep well?

Oh, like a log.

Don't be ridiculous.

Logs have bumps. Young ladies do not. You couldn't possibly sleep like a log.

Bratton? Yes, Mrs. Wake? How long have you been my secretary?

Oh, for 20 years now, Mrs. Wake.

And for 20 years, I haven't had a decent night's sleep.

Oh, that's just a coincidence, I hope. I hope so.

Where's Gerald?

Evidently overslept 30 seconds.

Don't be impudent.

Grattan? Yes, Mrs. Wicks?

What's Gerald's schedule for today?

I have it. I have it right here, yes. We decorate the room and get a new clock.

What?

Oh, his schedule. Oh, for today. Oh, of course. Yes, yes.

Excuse me.

Yes, it's...

Oh, business administration at 10 o 'clock, French at 11, London at 12 .30,

scientific relaxation until 2, gymnasium until 3, international law and

interstate commerce until 4.

Plenty of sugar, will you, Oscar? Applied psychology until 4 .30,

What about his motor mechanics course?

The machine shop and motor mechanics course is scheduled for Mondays,

Wednesdays, and Fridays. Hmm. Go on.

Thank you, Mrs. Wicks, yes.

Relaxation in the open and the reading of some improving work until dinner.

After dinner... He gets locked back in his cell.

Locked in his cell.

What?

What a life.

Don't mumble, Alicia.

What were you saying? Oh, nothing.

Well, don't say it.

And don't put so much sugar in your coffee, Alfred.

If you want syrup, order it. Thank you, Mrs. Wake.

Oscar, syrup, never mind.

Aunt Leona, you trust Gerald with me, don't you?

I've decided that he's to marry you, haven't I?

Well, then why couldn't we go out and have some fun once in a while?

There's a dance tonight and I know... Now, don't be absurd.

Why can't you dance here?

Gerald's a perfect dancer, so his instructor tells me.

But that's just the trouble, Aunt Leone. You have him doing everything

perfectly. Perhaps too perfectly.

Well, what's wrong with that?

I should think that you'd be proud to think that your future husband is going

be the head of the Wicks Utilities.

He'll be the mental, moral, and physical superior of every one of his 10 ,000

employees. The perfect specimen.

That's what I'm afraid of.

It's the first law of motion and gravity.

Little force is needed to stop a moving football, but considerable force would

be required to stop a cannonball moving at the same speed.

Bad news?

Well, your arrival usually brings trouble.

You call my finding you a decent job trouble.

I've got a job.

I mean a real job.

What do you call this, a hobby?

Digging a ditch. Well, I dig a very pretty ditch. And you a college

Shh, don't say that. The foreman doesn't know it yet.

Well, come on, what's it all about?

That bridge band at Providence. They want an engineer, a Harvard man,

experienced and not very bright. You'd fill the spot perfectly, darling. Now,

don't give me that. You don't care where I work. How did you know I was here?

Well, when a man gives up a job supervising an engineer to become a

plow, there's a reason.

And you shouldn't leave those romantic love letters around.

Who is this gal, Alicia?

She certainly steams up a wicked fountain pen.

Does she live here? Does she work here?

I ought to give you a lick.

Say, look, Mona, will you be a good sport and get out of here before I get

from talking to strangers?

You didn't tell me who she is.

And I don't intend to. Do you think I want all Wickstead on my head?

Wickstead? We don't mean the Wickstead.

The place where they're raising that guy to be a perfect best man? This is the

place. Oh, let me see him, will you, Jink?

Introduce me to him. You can do it. Nobody can see him.

Nobody? Nobody.

How much do you want to bet?

Mona, for Pete's sake.

Say, where are you going? I don't know.

Maybe have tea with the perfect specimen.

Look, if you do anything crazy, you'll get me fired.

That'll be a blessing.

Body on your services.

Are you hurt?

Oh, I don't think so. You?

I don't think so.

Uh, my name's Wicks, Gerald Beresford Wicks. How do you do?

How do you do? I live here.

In that tree, you mean?

Oh, in the... No, I'd just been reading a chapter on gravity and the animate

object, and I was trying it out.

Oh. In the tree.

Oh, I see.

Do you mind if I get out and inspect the damage?

No, please do.

Are you sure you're not hurt? Oh, I think the only thing that's broken is

fence of yours.

Well... You're very calm. Most girls would have been hysterical.

You must have plenty of nerve.

Nerve? Be surprised.

I must look awful.

You, uh, said you wanted to inspect the damage. That's what I'm doing.

Oh. Well, that's very strange.

You nearly killed yourself, and all you worry about is a smudge on the nose or

something. Oh, is that?

Oh.

There, is that better?

Oh, yes, it's, uh... It was kind of, uh...

No, must he?

Oh, you're not very polite, are you? Oh, yes, I am, as a rule.

But you see, I'm onto your game.

Game? They all try it.

Who all tries what?

All the women I know, to be cute or fascinating.

But I saw through you almost immediately.

You're a reporter, aren't you?

No, I'm not a reporter.

Oh.

I'd like to sit down over there, may I?

Yes, please do.

Are you sure you haven't a camera with you?

Oh, I haven't a camera. Why, you're suspicious.

And I'm not a reporter.

Oh. Well, uh, what kind of a girl are you, anyway? Well, I'm a Dr. Jekyll and

Mr. Hyde -ish kind of a girl. When I do things like smashing through that fence,

it's the Tilly Specknagel and me coming out. The witch? Tilly Specknagel. You

see, when I was a kid and did anything very bad, like stealing jam or breaking

windows, I always said it was a bad little kid named Tilly Specknagel.

As a rule, I'm a very well -behaved young lady named Mona Carter.

The tilly is always there under the surface, waiting to crash through.

But I don't understand why... Why I was driving along your private road? Well,

I'll tell you.

Seems kind of foolish now, but I'd heard such fantastic things about you and

Grandma. Oh, yes, everybody has. Go on. But I wanted to meet you. I wanted to

see what a perfect specimen really looked like.

I'm sorry I had to smash your fence to do it.

Well, then, you must be the other kind.

What other kind?

The designing woman.

Well, I haven't a designing bone in my body.

I wouldn't have... I wouldn't have... Well, I've seen you now. I'm going home.

You don't think much of me, I think. No, I don't. I think you're dull and

conceited. Do you? Yes.

Oh, I don't think I'm conceited.

Well, I hope it'll get you home all right. My goodness, but you're

Apparently there's not much damage. How do you know?

Well, I'm a master mechanic.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, you would be.

I'd better have a look at the steering knuckle for you.

Have you some tools under the seat? Yeah, sure.

There you are. Oh, yes. Thank you.

What made you say just now that I was dull and conceited?

Have you ever been tight?

Of course not.

Ever see a burlesque show?

Certainly not.

Ever kiss a girl?

Now, listen, young lady.

Don't you start anything.

I can't afford to be compromised.

You can't afford to be compromised. And you say you're not conceited. Oh.

Hey, listen.

Why don't you get out in the world and mix with the common herd?

You don't know what you're missing.

Are you really so fragile you have to stay cooped up here all the time?

Hey, do you ever think of running away?

Where to?

Anywhere, just away.

Give the world a chance.

Get out at it like an ordinary man. Not an heir to 40 million dollars.

30, not 40.

Oh, that's tough.

Besides, what's so terribly exciting or interesting outside? Nothing happens

here or anywhere else that isn't dull and boring.

I think so much nothing.

I'd like to stay a little longer.

Why, Mr. Wicks, don't tell me I'm bending.

You see, I'm not really.

You said yourself. Well, you're really the height of something, Arthur, but I

can't waste time to find out what.

Well, I think if you try now, she'll run, all right?

Thank you.

It's not a union title.

What? Those are shots.

Somebody's shooting. Who? I don't know. Oh, my word.

I'm not excited, no.

And don't you tell me not to be suspicious.

I'm suspicious of everyone except you, of course. Thank you. And you're too

simple for anyone to be suspicious of.

Well, come along, come along. What are you dallying for?

Well, it still looks like life imprisonment to me.

What you need to do is tilt a windmill or two.

Tilt a windmill?

Haven't you ever read Don Quixote?

Oh, yes, the man who fought the windmill?

Yeah, try it.

And if you ever feel like hopping over the walls, don't forget you've got a

friend outside.

Who, you?

No, Phyllis Stecknegel.

She'd love to help an escaped convict.

So long.

Here, come back here. Come back here at once. Get the number.

Grandma. Oh, oh, look at you. Are you hurt, Gerald?

What is all this?

Well, it's an accident, Grandma. Whose accident?

Well, this young lady was coming down... Well, what is she doing here?

Why wasn't she killed?

Anyone making a silly mistake like that? Who are you?

Mona Cordes, my name.

Your grandma, I suppose.

You've no right to suppose anything.

What are you doing here? Why did you crash through my fence?

What's the meaning of all this? Well, if you quit roaring for a second, I'll

tell you. Don't you tell me what to do. What do you mean by tearing across the

country, crashing through other people's fences?

And what is the meaning of all this? Are you sure you're not hurt here? Of

course he isn't. Neither am I, thank you. I didn't ask you. But I was telling

you. You don't have to tell me anything.

Look at that fence.

You'll have to pay, you know.

Grandma. How can you possibly ask... There, you see? He is hurt. He's hoarse.

I'm not... I'm not hoarse, and I'm not hurt. Miss Carter couldn't help coming

through that fence.

That's a very steep grade up there, and her steering gear broke. She might have

been injured.

That's a private road.

Will you tell me what she was doing on it?

Well... She's got designs.

She has no designs, and it was an accident.

She's good -looking, isn't she?

Answer your grandma.

Well, yes, she is.

Fairly.

Well, there you are, then. She's got designs.

Take a number. I have a number, Mrs. Wick. Well, take it again and look at

license. Oh, would you? Yes. Young lady, this is a very, very unpleasant affair.

Well, don't worry about it. But I want you to understand that you're really in

plight, a sort of a pickle, a predicament, a... A spot? Oh, no, no,

the word. It's from the Latin, a dilemma.

Yes. Let me see your driver's license.

Yes, certainly.

I didn't realize I was going so fast, officer. You see, there was a car

me and that boulevard stop signal.

Oh, not really? Oh, how terrible. Why, you might have been hurt.

Why didn't you honk your horn?

Oh, there's no boulevard. This is a private... Oh, I see.

I'm not an officer, no.

Let me see your driver's license, please.

Okay. Let me see now. Here's a birth certificate.

Dog license.

Ah, here's my new suit.

Oh, not really.

Oh, how effective.

It's sort of plaid, isn't it? Yeah.

It's going to have it made very plain. Well, the padded shoulders and one

button, you know.

It's going to be very becoming.

A new license, Mrs. Wicks. Let me see the driving suit, will you? The outfit,

the... Where am I?

Where'd you get the material?

It's Stratford's in Providence. Oh, really? Yeah.

$3 .50 a yard. No.

Oh, that's just stealing, isn't it?

For nothing.

Barrisfield, Pennsylvania. I know it well.

My sister used to live there. Oh, really? Tell me, do they still have the

in front of the soldiers' monument? Yes. And the flagpole with the flag? Oh,

what do you know?

Tell me, does Frank Jameson still run the commercial house?

Gracias. Her driver's license, Mrs. Wicks.

Now, young lady, what have you got to say for yourself?

I didn't know it was allowed.

What's allowed?

For anyone to talk but you.

The girl's impudent.

I'm awfully sorry. Grandma's out of bed. Oh, that's all right.

I had a good time, believe it or not.

Did you really?

Mm -hmm.

Don't forget what I said about windmills.

You better start on her. I never saw a bigger one.

What's she saying to you?

Something about windmills.

Then do something.

I'll write it down.

Will you?

Will... Will you think it over?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye, everybody.

Jake, I've got to talk to you.

Oh, don't you? You can't do that. Oh, yes, I can. In fact, I've already done

or maybe you didn't notice.

But you mustn't. I shouldn't even be meeting you like this. It's the only

we've got. That's the reason I took this job. I know, but it isn't fair. It

isn't fair to Joe. Oh, that's...

Say, listen, when are you going to tell that stuffed -up biggo that you're not

engaged to him anymore?

I think you've got him all wrong. He's all right. He's very nice, really.

Yeah, sure.

Darling, if you'd only go away, it would make it so much easier for me. I don't

want to make it easier. I want to make it tougher. That's the kind of a guy I

am. Well, you just say the word, and I'll go up there to the house.

It's Grandma Wicks. Well, she's been set on my marrying since I was 16. Yeah, I

get it. The perfect wife for the perfect specimen.

Well, she's my guardian, and I... Yes, and if she cuts you off, bang goes my

chances of ever being supported in the manner to which I've never been

accustomed.

what's coming around the mulberry bush.

Joe, I've got to go. Wait a minute.

Don't forget, tomorrow at the same time.

and this thing doesn't pay me to think now. Come on, get out of my car.

Oh, is this your car?

Certainly it is. Out of the last rattle.

Oh, that makes quite a difference, doesn't it?

I wonder if I could borrow it. I want to pay a visit.

If you pay away a year, you can have it.

Oh, I only want it till tonight.

Will you rent it?

How much?

Well, $25.

That's pretty near all I've got.

It's a deal.

Good.

When I say my man, don't mention that you saw me, will you?

Very well, my good fellow. And if you don't come back, it'll be too soon.

What?

I said if you give her plenty of oil, she'll take you to the top of the world.

Oh, good. That's where I'm going.

Oh,

Mr. Gretzky.

Mr. Gretzky. Mr.

Gretzky.

What's happened?

Don't yell in this house a word in the morning. What is it?

Something terrible has happened. What is it?

You sure?

Yes, sir. Oh, my word.

Did you look in his clothes closet?

Yes, sir. Did you look in his laundry room? Yes, I did, sir. Oh, well, I know

where he is. He's in his bathtub.

Did you look in his bathtub?

Yes, I looked there, sir. Well, he must be somewhere. I'm absolutely certain of

that.

Aren't you?

Undoubtedly, sir.

I'll see for myself.

What is it, Gretton? What's the matter with you?

What? Oh, nothing, nothing, Mrs. Wicks. Nothing's the matter at all, except that

you know this world is full of calamities. We seem to be surrounded on

with fires and floods and earthquakes and accidents. Do you realize that two

lives are snuffed out violently every minute of every hour? What are you

to say?

You mustn't get excited, Mrs. Wicks. You mustn't become overwrought. You've just

got to compose yourself. That's all. Compose yourself.

I know you.

Something's wrong.

Something's happened to Gerald.

Has it? Oh, to Gerald.

Mrs. Briggs, that's what I was leading up to. As a matter of fact, Gerald has

disappeared. He's nowhere to be found. What do you mean, nowhere to be found? I

mean, we can't find him anywhere.

Have you looked?

I give you my word, we've searched this estate with a grappling, with one of

those curry combs, and we cannot find him.

Well, he's got to be found.

Don't tell me that he can drop out of sight in the middle of the day.

Perhaps he's run away.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

What would he do that for?

Hasn't he got everything in the world here that he...

Now, you must keep cool. You must be excited. He's been kidnapped.

That's what.

Well, don't stand there like a couple of nincompoops. Do something.

Telephone the G -men or whatever their ridiculous names are. The G -men?

Call the police. Police, of course, yes.

Give me the police. The police, please.

Do you suppose that girl who crashed for the fence the other day can have

anything to do with it?

Alicia, you might be right.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Is this the police station? I want to speak to the chief.

This is Wicks Utilities speaking, and we at the house here have an idea that

something's happened to young Mr. Wicks. Hold the line.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

He's been kidnapped.

Yes, he's been kidnapped, I tell you.

No, I haven't any photograph.

No, he's never had one taken.

Because I wouldn't allow it.

What?

What does he look like?

Ah, he's male, six foot one.

operating. I'm not yelling.

I've had enough of your impertinence. You find my grandson.

Indeed. Tell the fellow up.

No, thank you. I'm looking for the Carter residence.

Well, you can take your choice. There's a whole flock of them around here.

There's Joe Carter. He runs a feed mill. And there's H .P. He's in the bank.

And old Doc Carter.

Old Doc. He's dead, but his widow lives right over there. The one I'm looking

for has a daughter.

They all got daughters.

Oh. Well, this daughter is rather good -looking.

Well, why didn't you say so? That's Professor Carter's gal.

And when you say she's just rather good -looking, you better get yourself a pair

of cheaters, son.

Yes, well, where does she live?

Who?

Professor Carter's daughter.

Oh, well, now, don't get peevish.

How can I tell you where she lives if you don't give me a chance to get a word

in edgeways?

Now, you take this street.

The first road out of town, you turn to your right. You'll see a big brown

house. That ain't it.

But you keep on going till you come to an oak tree.

Behind that oak tree, you'll see a white house.

Now, if they ain't painted that some other color, that's it.

Oh, there's a picket fence around it. You can't miss it anyway.

You've got good eyesight.

All right, thanks very much.

I say, do you play golf?

Yes, sometimes. Why?

I got something here I invented.

Ain't that a beaut?

Yes, what is it?

That's a streamlined golf ball. That's what that is.

That's the second model.

The first one I had almost perfected.

Tied it out one morning, about a four -foot putt.

Well, I ain't seen it since.

I don't get a chance to work on that thing, though, the way I ought to.

pester me around here for oil and gas and want their cars fixed.

You don't know a good mechanic how to work, do you?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

No, I didn't think you would.

First to the right, did you say? Yeah, yeah.

Thanks very much.

Here's something for your trouble.

Oh, that's all right. I own this place.

Take your money, son.

Someday you can buy yourself a set of streamlined golf balls.

Well, thanks anyway.

Something terrible has happened in this household, my friends.

To someone very near and very dear to all of us.

However, we have got to meet the crisis bravely. This is no time for weakness.

We must hide our feelings with a smile.

No crying, Maggie. I said with a smile.

Thank you.

So I'm going to ask you, each and every one of you, to return to your places

immediately. I personally will convey your sympathies to Mrs. Wicks. You can

appreciate her overwrought condition, realizing, as we all do, how her

and heir in the hands of the kidnappers at this very moment is probably

suffering untold tortures.

Put those in the new bed and give them plenty of water. Yes, Father.

There's a phone there. All right, I'll take it.

Hello?

Yes, yes, this is Professor Carter.

They have?

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. Well, you might ask me if I'm hurt.

I asked you. It's very obvious you're not.

Oh, well, shall I go back and try again? No, don't bother. What is this? What

happened to you? I didn't know you had so much nerve. I'm amazed.

Well, I'm pretty much amazed myself, as a matter of fact.

How'd it happen?

Oh, I was coming along and saw something that I thought interested me and took

my eyes off the road and, uh, zowie, it happened.

Funny? Very funny.

How'd you get out of that satin line jail?

Through the hole you made in our fence.

Why?

Well, I'd been thinking about Mona and Tilly Specknagel, you see. Yes.

And what you said about being cooped up. Oh.

And, uh, oh, I'd been reading this, too.

Remember? Don Quixote. Yes.

And I was pretty restless last night and got up early and saw the hole in the

fence and, uh, well, it's spring, you know.

Mona!

Oh, Mona!

Mona!

Here's my father. I'd like you to meet him. Oh, I'd be delighted.

The Chinese lily bulbs have arrived from China, and I was... Oh, I beg your

pardon. Father, I'd like you to meet Mr. Gerald Barrison Wicks. This is my

father, Professor Carter. How do you do? Oh, excuse me.

Oh, yes.

Glad to meet you, young man. Thank you, sir. I must apologize. Oh, not at all.

Not at all.

Always glad to have Mona's friends drop in. Oh, yes. Thank you, sir. But I must

apologize about your fence. You see, I... Fence? I don't see anything wrong

the fence.

Why do you have to apologize for it? Right over there, Father.

Mr. Wicks had an accident. Of course, he couldn't help it. His steering wheel

broke and he came crashing through. Oh, bless me, that's very unfortunate.

Well, I must apologize to you, Mr., Mr., Mr. Wicks. What for?

For having the fence there in the way.

Oh. Yes, I can see it's a distinct menace to public safety.

I shall have it removed.

Mr. Wicks has started working on that already.

Oh, well, I've got some carpenter tools in the garage.

Oh, thank you, sir. That's very kind of you. Yes, he is kind, and he's

terrifically famous, aren't you, Father? Yes, indeed.

Yes, he's a horticulturist, and the King of Sweden gave him a medal.

What did he give you a medal for?

For my study of the psychological detail in the development of the zygote and

the coliaceae. What about that telephone call?

Oh, you know those Chinese lily bulbs that Professor Manheim was going to send

me? Well, they've just come in on the 512 local.

They're down at the station now.

Oh, and you want me to get them? Would you mind, dear? Okay, I'll change my

clothes for you later. Oh, thank you. That's fine.

Chinese, did you say, sir? Yes, from China. Well, that's very interesting.

You, uh...

You'll excuse my excitement, won't you, Mr... Which?

But they're the genuine Meng Hua.

Most rare.

Meng Hua?

Yes. Not the Meng Hua? Yes. From the Chang Kiang? Yes.

Really? Well, that's amazing. I don't suppose there's ever been more than a

couple of dozen imported into this country. No, I know that. I know, but I

didn't... Oh, I'm quite sure. More satisfactory, I thought. Yes, and I

thank you enough. Sorry to disturb you.

Oh, oh, Mona, Mona. He knows all about the Hmong wall.

Oh, yes, he would.

Well, you see, most of the mills and factories of which utilities have

planted around them, and I naturally had to learn horticulture. You'd be

surprised what Mr. Wicks has to learn, Dad. Yes, he's a very worthy young man.

He must stay to dinner. Well, goodbye.

Oh, goodbye.

Come on, Jerry.

He's pretty sweet, isn't he? He is. He could certainly give Grandma a few

lessons about how to behave when people knock their fences down. Shall I get in

first? Go ahead.

Bye, Dad.

Goodbye. Don't forget the early morning sun. No, I won't. I won't. And thank you

for all the information you gave me. Goodbye.

Flash, from Radio News Service. We interrupt all programs to bring you a

bulletin. An unverified report states that Gerald Beresford Wicks, heir to

Utilities and the $30 million estate of the nationally famous eccentric Mrs.

Leona Wicks, is missing, feared kidnapped.

Young Wicks, known the country over as the perfect specimen, disappeared at an

early hour.

Any information as to his whereabouts should be communicated to your local

police headquarters.

Well.

Well. Grandma's unleashed the bloodhounds already.

What are you going to do?

Well, I don't know.

I'm not certain of one thing. I'm not going to be dragged back like a runaway

schoolboy. Now that you're a wanted man, you can't drive me home, of course.

Maybe you could get near enough to drop me off, huh? Oh, no, please.

Look, just give me a few more hours, will you? The rest of the afternoon.

You know, remember your friend Tilly Specknagle said she'd always be a friend

mine if ever I got out?

Well, you ask her, and if she says no, well, then I'll take you home. Well,

would not encourage you in your weakness.

Tilly thinks it's okay.

So we'll go to the station by the way of East Shrewsbury.

Why East Shrewsbury? That's three hours out of the way.

Ah, fine.

Thanks.

They're funny little things. Yeah.

That's what Marco Polo said about them in the year 1272 when he first saw them

in Turkestan.

As a matter of fact, there's a species in Asia... Okay, pal, I get it.

Gangway, fellas, we're coming through. Look out!

You're kind of having fun, aren't you? Yes, rather.

You know, when you learn to relax, you feel very snappy, don't you?

Snappy, yeah.

You know a lot about everything, don't you?

Well, I have to. You see, someday I'll have thousands of men in my employ, and

Grandma thinks I ought to be superior in every way.

Oh, and are you?

Well, naturally.

Well,

I asked for it.

Come on, get out of there.

What's the idea of hugging a robe like it was each other?

Maybe they would love Pinky. I'm in love with you, ain't I?

Ain't I?

Yes, Pinky.

Do I act dumb like that?

Yes, Pinky, pal.

The middle of the road is no place for a honeymoon.

Get out of there!

Hmm, spring.

Smell it? Isn't it wonderful?

Everything's crying, birds singing.

They sound like birds to you, but it sounds to me like someone wants to pass.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Hold on.

I'm going to knock them so far they'll have to get on a comet to ride back.

are you going to do?

I'm going to fix that. Let me out of here.

Let go of me, will you?

Stay with me.

He seems a little Pete, doesn't he? You exaggerate.

Hey, what's the idea, you punk?

Oh, I beg your pardon. We were just... What's your idea, you big ape? You drove

us off the road, didn't you? You stay out of this, sister.

You want to make something out of it? Stay out of this. You ain't the first

I ever smacked.

Oh, really, my good man. You can't talk to a lady like that, you know.

My good man?

Don't you, my good man, me, you squirt. For two cents, I drag you out of there.

Come on, get out of there.

You're making a big mistake, you know.

Come on. Come on.

Jerry!

You're crazy. Well, I had to do it.

Come on, get up with him. With that, I'm going to wipe the road up with you. No,

please don't. Get out of that car and take off your coat.

I really don't want to spar with you, you know.

Spar with me? I'm only going to knock your block off, that's all. Come on, get

out of there.

Come on.

Well, if you insist.

Oh, Jerry, don't. Come on, get out of there.

Come on, get that coat off. You're going to get good and dirty.

Here.

Hold this. I don't want to get no powder on it. He wants to. Come on, let's go

back in the truck.

Grandma,

I think you've got something there.

What happened, Pinky? Did he trip you? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you

big sissy.

Come on, Pinky. Get up. Come on.

Be a man. Get up with your daughter.

Look at this. Oh, gee, get up, will you? This is a surprise.

First one I've seen this year.

A perfect specimen of teleopolyphemus.

Pretty, isn't it? They're quite rare around here, too. They feed on birch,

any kind of wood.

Why didn't you let him finish his dinner? Yeah.

Come on, Pinky, get up. Get up, will you, Pinky? You're not dead. Be a man.

up for me.

Pinky, Pinky, come on. I say, I hope I haven't hurt you seriously. You're a big

man now. Get up. Can I give you a hand up? Come on, that's your boy. Get up on

your feet. Take my mouth off you, you lug.

Pinky! Are you all right, Pinky? Oh, gee, did he hurt you?

Pinky! Pinky, you ought to be ashamed hitting him when he was helping you. Oh,

who's hitting anybody? I ain't. Gee, I never seen nothing like that before.

Yeah, and you never saw a rabbit spit thermomite before, either.

What weight do you fight at? Oh, I don't fight.

Oh, I suppose you just kissed this eye on me, huh?

Who taught you to punch?

Maxie Bain. You like it?

Maxie Bain, the ex -champ? Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me you was a pro before you started picking on me?

I thought I was good, but Maxie banged.

Well, of course, I don't fight professionally.

Well, what are you training with him for?

Well, you see, one day I'll be the head of the... He trains for exercise.

For exercise?

Oh, yes, exercise.

Listen, my name's Pinky Cassidy, and I know when I'm licked.

How do you do, Mr. Cassidy? This is my dame.

Clara Bell Murphy.

Pleased to meet you. Oh, thank you. Pleased to meet you, Miss Murphy.

This is Miss Myrna Carter, and my name's Gerald. What?

Gerald? So think that a guy named Gerald should give me this.

You've got a fist like a block of cement.

Gee, you want it? See your eyes. Yeah, here, look.

Holy mackerel, get a load of that shiner. Hot compress is very good. Oh,

beefsteak. Where are you going to get beefsteak? There's a cow over in that

field.

Gee, Tricky, this is terrible.

Oh, it'll be all right in a few days.

Oh, it ain't that.

In an hour, I'm supposed to have a fight again.

What do you do, have a fight every hour?

Well, you don't understand.

We're on our way to a picnic of the truckman's local.

You know, dance and music, heat and beer. Oh, it's swell.

Oh, it sounds swell.

And the best thing on the program is the prize fight. Yeah, and Pinky was going

to get $150 for fighting the headliner. And we were going to take the money and

get married. And if he don't, he might change his mind again, probably. He's

awful good at changing his mind fast, ain't you, Pinky? Yeah.

No. What are you talking about?

Of course, you might not have won, you know. Listen, that pushover's been

knocked over so many times, they call him Canvas Back Malone.

I could kiss him cold with a cough.

Gee, we never get to break.

Perhaps I could help you. How?

Well, I could substitute for him. You know, I could fight this fellow for you.

Would you do that, Tricky?

I'd be delighted to, Bingy.

Oh, what a pal.

Shake, pal.

Well, thanks, pal.

But we're up against a stone wall. We're in the dark. We don't know what he

looks like, and we can't take another step without a picture of it. Any kind

photograph will do.

Oh, you are a stupid man.

I've said a hundred times that he's never had his photograph taken.

Besides, what do you want a photograph for? I've told you what he looks like.

Mrs. Wicks, may I suggest something? No.

Oh, well, it was simply that as long as this sleuth... That is the technical

term, isn't it? Yes, sleuth.

As long as he feels that a photograph is necessary, I have one.

Well, then what are you standing there gabbing for? Go and get it.

Of course, yes. What?

Oh, yes, the photograph.

Excuse me, yes, of course. And it was about 7 .30 in the morning? Yes, sir.

you sure that he slept in his bed?

Oh, what a silly question.

Briggs? Yes, madam? Is my grandson in the habit of sleeping on the floor?

No, madam, certainly not.

Very well, then we can presume he slept in his bed.

Here we are.

Oh, lovely.

You say that any photograph of my grandson will help you to find him? Just

it's clear.

Very well, then there you are. Now go and bring him back.

Hey, Piggy, what's the matter with the lamp?

Why the black money? I was chopping wood for my grandmother and a stick blew up

and bit me.

Here's down the highway, folks. Very good help. Come on, Pinky, I'll make

Ladies and gentlemen, big five stars in five minutes.

Gee, I hope your boyfriend wins. Oh, so do I.

Have you been engaged to Pinky for long? He wasn't ever engaged. Pinky don't

care for grills. All I want to do is get my hands on that 150 snack and...

I'm practically Mrs. Creaky Cassidy right now. Oh, he's too steep. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, truck pushers.

I'm very sorry to announce that Canvas Back Malone cut his hand on a beer glass

and won't be able to fight the main event.

But we will have a main event just the same. And in place of Canvas Back

we have as a substitute none other than the undefeated state heavyweight

champion, the man with murder in both hands,

Chloroform Collie!

Oh, wait a minute, Tricky. I ain't gonna let you do it. You ain't got a chance

with that guy.

Chloroform's still paying off the widow of the last guy he fought.

Oh, I don't mind. In fact, I'd rather like to spell it. But it's dangerous.

Don't worry. I won't hurt him.

You won't hurt him.

Come on. We must keep him waiting.

You won't live long. Who's your shepherd, old piggy? Too bad, piggy.

Pinky, they're slipping in a ringer on you. We know all about that. Why don't

you do something, then? Tricky offered to fight for you, not die for you. You

said we wanted to get married, didn't you? Well, sure, but you think I want to

see this guy go sporting me every night? It's murder. Oh, forget it. Oh, Pinky,

let's... Never mind.

Here goes my wedding ring.

Ladies and gentlemen, main event...

Ten rounds or less.

In this corner, at 180 pounds, Tricky Berry.

And in this corner, at 197 pounds, Claude Blum

Connolly.

punches. In case of a knockdown, go to a neutral corner. When the bell rings,

come out and fight. Shake hands.

How do you do?

I'm shaking like an aspirin.

I've felt the same once when I've seen two guys walk a tightrope between two

buildings. They almost made it. Almost?

Yeah. Say, you in love with tricking?

Of course not.

That's what you think.

Hey, are you sure your boyfriend didn't have a rock in his hand when he...

think he's been there?

I think I'll get him some smelling salt. No, go out and get that monkey wrench.

It's safer.

Have

you

got something better, Stan?

No, no. Take on you to Oscar.

He looks like a dancing bulletproof.

Yeah, it's a waltz marathon.

Maybe I can dance.

Review? Look at the stiffs. Why don't they bring them up? They look like the

Siamese twins.

Come on, Tony. Play a wall.

Your partner?

What's the matter? Did you hurt your hand?

I heard it's all right. Why?

Why did you suck him like you sucked me on a roll? Oh, that was different.

I was annoyed with you, but this chloroform seems like a nice fella.

There's a nook three out there.

Why don't you kill that daffy, Dale?

All right, you catch him for me now, sock.

You ladies enjoying yourselves?

Did you learn that 50 -yard dash from Grandma?

Yes, how'd you know?

Gee, if I could just lay one on him once, I'd blast his ears away.

I got an idea.

Now, in this town...

Oh, baby.

Your boyfriend's certainly afraid to get these cameras up, ain't he?

Are you?

No.

Not a cent a mile.

It's going swell for him.

Listen, kid, let me throw him in the tub. I ain't going to let you go back

that gorilla.

I must stay in.

This Mr. Connolly is a very deceiving character.

Besides, you'll think he beat me.

He'll think.

Wait a minute.

Hey, Sheriff, come here.

Wait a minute. I'll be right with you. Hey, John.

What's wrong, Sheriff? Come up here and sub for me.

Wait a minute, Barney. Something's happened.

Ladies and gentlemen, the balance of this fight will be refereed by John

Phillips here. I have to leave.

What's the matter, Sheriff?

There's been a big kidnapping.

Gerald Beresford Wicks. They've got a drag net out all over the United States

and Canada.

We've got orders to watch all roads, stop all cars.

They say there's a woman in the case. And it's my duty as sheriff of this

to assist the search. Carry on, John.

So long, son.

I hope you get away with it. Thanks, not a lie. I say, do you think you'll find

this Wicks person?

Find him? Listen, if he's within a hundred miles of here, I'll smell him.

Thanks, sir.

Save me and fix this ticket for me, will you? Save me next election.

What's the matter with you? This ain't the last round.

This is for you, old chap.

of this advantage.

Oh, Big A, you looking for somebody?

We're looking for the gang that grabbed off Young Wicks. Ain't seen them, have

you? Sure. I got a whole truckload of them. Hey, you missed the excitement

you left.

What happened? The chloroform kill them?

Kill them?

Tricky knocked them cold and the traffic cops hot. And in the next round...

I don't know what you've done, and I don't care. All I know is you're a right

guy and a square shooter. And that goes for Clarabel, too.

Donut! It sure does, Tricky. When you get the Sing Sing, drop us a postal

will you? Sing Sing? Oh, yes, Sing Sing. I will.

Hey, I feel like a tramp taking this money. You sure you don't need it? No,

you'll buy yourselves a wedding present with it. Goodbye.

Well, take a dollar for gas, anyway. All right, well, I will. Goodbye.

Don't I get none? Sure, two dollars. For the marriage license.

Description number one, female, white, five feet, two inches, 108 pounds,

approximately. Eyes blue, teeth good.

Hello, Baker.

Roselle Highway, section 17212.

We've got a good -looking blonde, about 108 pounds.

with the Secretary of State.

No, no, no, no.

I don't want to speak to any secretary. I want to talk to the president.

What?

He's what?

You mean to tell me that Wicks Incorporated is paying $2 million a year

so he can go to sleep in the middle of the day?

Wake him up.

Well, what do you think of life now outside the big fence?

Marvelous. Grandma, Wicks dead. They seem like a thousand miles away. Do you

mind? It's strange, but I love it.

It is strange.

What are you thinking about?

I was just wondering if a man could be arrested for kidnapping himself.

Oh, sure.

And I'd be the woman in the case.

Tilly, the bobbed head bandit.

You're right if we go to the same jail.

Oh, look.

What? The law.

The law?

That looks like our goose is cooked.

Cooked? It's burned all crisp.

What are you going to do?

Do? We're going through with it. Through? Yes. See a game, Tilly?

Go ahead, I'm with you, kid. All right, hold on. Here we go.

Hold tight.

You all right? Yes, Neil. Yes.

Oh, we're really in trouble now. Go faster.

Oh, there's never such a thing like this. But Tilly's having a wonderful

Better give up.

Windmill.

I think we're shaking them off. I think we're shaking off everything but the

license plate.

Where'd you learn to drive like that? Oh, picked it up from one of our drivers

at home. Who is he, Barney Oldfield?

No, Barney's assistant.

Have you any idea where we are?

No. I think we're probably the first two white people to ever set foot in this

wilderness.

Do you know what time it is?

No.

Well, you don't seem to care.

No, I don't. What about me? What about the brobs and father and all those silly

things? That'll take a lot of explaining.

Yes, I suppose it will.

You know, I like you.

That's odd.

Oh, no, it isn't. You're spoiled, of course, but you've got several quite

qualities. Oh, what are they?

Well, I can't think for the moment, but I'm sure you have.

Anyway, I do like you.

Can you do something for me?

Yes, anything.

Let's go on home.

Oh, now, why? Look, it's such a lovely night. The moon, the stars, everything.

And the perfect specimen.

Perfect.

Home, James?

Oh, Mona, please, we just started. No, we've got to go home. Oh, but please.

Funny thing, but I feel rather breathless.

Do you?

So do I.

Do you? Yes.

So do I.

Oh, hey!

Hey, are you going my way?

How about give me a lift? How about a lift?

Oh, there's a man over there that wants us to pick him up.

Should we?

Oh, you think we should?

Yeah.

Well, if you want to, all right.

Blessings on you, Samaritan, too. I pain would have arrived with you. My feet

hurt, my feet. Well, certainly, sir. If you wouldn't mind riding in the back

seat. Oh, but you're never so humble. The back seat, the front seat, I'll even

ride in the rumble.

Thank you.

Samaritan? Yeah.

I'm a poet. My name is Killigrew Shaw.

You ever heard of me?

No. Nobody else did either. Do you write poetry for a living, Mr. Shaw? Oh, no.

Only for my own amusement. Only for when my feet hurt, the news departs. Oh, no.

When feet tingle, words won't jingle.

Pretty good. I made it up myself.

Very good. You don't happen to know where we are, do you, Mr. Shaw?

Oh, yeah. No, no, I have no idea where we are. Just keep driving around and

driving around, and you'll come to my house.

I never know where I am.

It's all right.

Well,

here we are.

Welcome to Raven's Roost. Is this your house? Oh, it's so nice. You like it? I

designed it myself, yes. It's a little cracked in spots, but it sort of

my personality, don't you think?

Yes, I can see it, darling.

Now, won't you and your wife accept my hospitality overnight?

Well, thank you, yes. But you see, when I... Oh, yes.

Well, you must be tired. You must be tired.

Darkness is falling. It's too late to roam.

This is no castle, but still, it's my home. Not bad for a fellow with bad

is it?

Thank you. We'd love to accept.

Come on. Come on. We can't. Where else can we go? Well, I don't know. We can't.

Mr. Shaw?

Yeah? Are you married?

Oh, yes. A marvelous woman. Sends me $500 a month.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, alimony, alimony. She goes away and goes back and goes

and goes back again. She's a wonderful woman, a lovely woman.

Yes, baby.

Why are you ringing the bell? Oh, you never can tell. Burglar, burglar. Go

in, go right in.

Now, this is the living room. My wife collected these things from all parts of

the world. All parts of the world.

Hello, Lulu.

My wife designed everything. She's very artistic, you know. She's got great

taste. She left me.

My house is yours.

There you are.

This is my wife's room.

She always liked antiques and fancy things like this little kewpie here.

Kewpie.

Smell that paint. I'll have to shut this door here. We'll paint this room in

here.

That's where I write all my poems at night.

Fumes won't bother you if you just shut the door. Just shut the door. But this

isn't bad here. It's kind of comfortable.

Though no suite at the Waldorf is this, discomfort vanishes through married

bliss. I wrote that myself.

Oh, the nightclothes. Here's your nightclothes. Over here.

Nightclothes. Some here for you.

in here for you. Now, if you want to wash your hands, the sink is right down

hall, right down the hall. But, Mr. Shaw, huh?

We're not, uh... Oh, yes, you are. You're going to be perfectly comfortable

there. Why, Longfellow's slept in that bed. Yes, but why not? Yeah, good night.

Good night.

Very fine bed, very fine bed. Good enough for Longfellow.

Sleeping gently in the room above, a young married couple, deeply in love.

That man said the night things are over there Paint

is

awful. Well, you have a solution for that too.

Well, what are you going to do?

What's good enough for Longfellow is good enough for me.

Good night.

Good night.

Werner.

Werner, it's been fun today. Really, it has.

You know, I like Pinky and Clarabel, too.

Is it so strange to like someone?

No, it's good enough.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Am I really such a dull fella?

Oh, no, Jerry.

No, you're... you're... Let me see. What are you?

You're... I'll tell you in the morning. Good night.

Oh,

Jerry.

Did you call me?

Don't forget to open the window.

Let me in, will you, please?

What do you want?

I must get some air.

Well, jump out the window.

I can't. They're stuck.

Don't bother me. I want to go to sleep.

I'm sorry.

I forgot.

Poor kid.

Come in. I'll help you.

Just a minute.

Jerry, Jerry, what an awful thing to happen.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes. I think so. I'll be all right now.

I just needed some fresh air.

I'm awfully sorry it's troubled you. I think I can get back now, though. Oh,

you don't. I'm going to spend the night dragging you along the floor.

Come out here. You need some fresh air.

not to tell me what you need fresh air. Sit there.

Hey, what's going on up there?

Oh, how do you do? Oh,

these young married people.

I'll get some blankets.

Dreadful thing, you suffer like that.

Why didn't you call me sooner?

Good. We're all alive.

Is that better?

Yes, thanks, Alicia.

Alicia.

Is that better?

That's much better.

Oh, Cheechonia.

Oh, the flapjacks.

Oh, the flapjacks.

I've searched all the doxologies to find words of apology, but... Oh, well, I

should have told you last night.

When my wife left, the cook went with her. She did?

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, no, that's all right. They go away together and go back together and go

together and go back together.

Oh, your wife will be back. That's what I'm afraid of.

Oh, Cheechonia.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Well, I didn't know you could cook. You didn't know he could cook.

Well, that is, ever since we got married, we've been eating hot dogs,

Haven't we, darling?

Yes, Dad.

Very unhealthy. Very unhealthy.

Especially without mustard.

Where'd you learn how to cook? Well, you see, as head of the Wicks Utilities, a

number of our factories have to have large cafeterias for the employees.

I'm glad I saw you fight before I saw you cook. Oh, would I were the bride of

cook. I'd sit all day with a book by a brook. Very nice.

Much better.

Oh, no, it's these lovely pancakes. They're delicious. I've had ten of them.

Have some more. They're very good.

Oh, are they fine?

I ate so many, I'm ashamed of myself.

Oh, that was delicious.

Is there anything you can't do? Oh, yes. I can't stand the smell of paint fumes,

for one thing. I wish I could prevail upon you two to stay here with me, you

especially, just to cook for me until my wife gets back. We'd better go, thank

you. Oh, thank you. Thank you for your company and a lovely breakfast.

Is there anything I can do?

No, not a thing. I'll get my hat and coat. Yes. Why, don't be long, dear. No,

haven't got anything.

Is there something you can do for me if you'd care? Oh, anything, anything at

all.

Well, I hardly like to ask you, you see, but I'm rather short of funds. Oh, it's

too bad.

Uh, I wonder if you could cash a check for me. Oh, yeah, sure.

Anything up to $50. I keep a fund around here for the tourists, you know. Their

checks don't turn out very good. They bounce back. But I like to do it. Sort

a weakness of mine. Ah, I see, yes. Well, look, this is made out to be by a

friend of mine by the name of Winks. Oh, yeah. And if I endorse it on the back,

it'll be all right. Uh -huh. I like to keep these for a rainy day, you see.

I have a rubber stamp on my own mark. Not sufficient funds. It saves the

of sending it to the bank. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, then, of course, I keep it. Sometime I can write poetry on the back,

know. Thank you. You're welcome.

Here you're both, Professor.

Oh. Are you sure she didn't come for them at all? No, no, I didn't see Miss

at all, Professor.

Are you sure you sent her?

Of course I'm sure.

Now, let me see.

Was it the day before yesterday or yesterday?

Yeah, yes, it was yesterday.

Oh, well, maybe she forgot.

You know, Moon is rather absent -minded.

I often have to remind her to remember to tell me something that I've

You say there was a young man with her. No, no. You told me that. I haven't seen

him. Oh, dear. They'll mill you if they get wet. What?

Never heard of people mill doing wet or not. Well, maybe I can find him

somewhere.

Professor, here you are. Oh, good gracious. I forgot them, didn't I?

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

What's the matter? Can't get your tongue?

No.

Cold?

Uh -uh.

What's the matter? You started out all right, but you've been getting grumpier

and grumpier.

I'm not grumpy.

I'm just thinking.

What about?

Oh, about windmills.

The kind you can't lick.

Who can't lick them? I can lick any windmill.

I'm not thinking about you. I'm thinking about me.

Oh, hello.

So you've got a windmill, too, huh?

A female windmill.

I didn't know about it till last night.

Hey.

What? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's raining.

Yes, you're right.

Better get out of this.

Yes, sir.

Good afternoon.

Look, uh, I'm traveling in underwear.

What? I'm a salesman. Oh, what are you selling? Well, that's it. Underwear,

hairbrushes, frying pans, anything you like. I get you now.

You drummers are sure great kiddies, aren't you? What can I do for you?

Well, I have my demonstrator with me.

She's outside.

I see.

Does she demonstrate flying fans? Never mind about that. Have you a suite

available?

A what? A suite. You know, four or five rooms and a bath, a good big fire so we

can get these things dried out. It's not a suite, four or five rooms. Why,

that's a floor.

Where's your baggage?

Oh, I haven't got any baggage.

I'll have to pay in advance then. Two bucks each and a quarter extra if you

the radio. All right, fine.

Holy smoke. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You haven't been on the road

have you?

G .B. Berry and Companion. Oh, you'll have to register your wife, too.

Mr.

G .B.

Berry, Spranton, Pennsylvania.

That's better.

Here you are.

Rooms 4142, right at the top of the stairs.

Oh, there goes Mona's reputation.

I knew Tillie'd get her in debt someday.

Maybe we'd better burn the place down.

Yes, I could always pay for it later, I suppose.

I believe you would.

Yes.

Oh, you're the man.

Here's your drum.

What is it, a roast ox? No, just sandwiches.

Well, I'll settle for those. Get your duds there, and the ladies' things will

up in a few minutes. Perfect. Say, you'll like those sandwiches. Write out

-Lite Cafe. I always eat them myself on holidays. I'll try it myself.

Who is this?

J .P. Berry of Scranton, paging Mrs. Scranton. Oh, Mrs. Berry, I mean.

Go away. I'm taking a nap.

Oh, you'll be sorry if I do.

Are you up?

Of course I'm up. I'm half -dressed.

I got some food here.

Oh, good.

Sandwiches, the boy says. I don't care what he says. What do you mean?

Ah!

What? What, madame?

Merci, garçon.

And pardon the disarray. S 'il vous plaît.

Monsieur, madame. Est -ce que vous voulez essayer, madame? Ah, you would

up with that fancy friend of yours.

Oh, you look so attractive. I bet I do. We both look like a couple of Indians

from a Wild West show.

Here's the list.

Yes, you bet. Me big Indian chief.

Got 500 wives.

Look, you, sit, squat.

Campfire. Eve, quick, make it snappy. Oh, okay, pal. We'll have a picnic. What

do you think, cheap brain in the face? Eve, picnic.

Oh, I'm starved.

I'm good, too.

I thought that rained on you.

I've never had so much fun in my life.

Mona.

Yours ham, too?

Yes, it's ham.

Mona.

I must tell you something.

I'm getting awfully fond of you.

Terribly fond of you.

I... You shouldn't talk like that with that funny blanket on.

It's unbelievable.

Mona, be serious, will you?

I must tell you this.

These sandwiches stick, don't they?

Yes.

But I want to tell you.

that yesterday and today were the two most marvelous days I've ever had in my

life. I never knew that people and things and life out here and on the

could be so exciting and... Mona,

do you think that we... I mean... I mean...

Oh, gosh, I wish I could say what I mean.

Oh, Jerry, we'd better go.

No, but listen to me, Mona. Oh, Jerry.

Darling, I love you.

I think I've loved you ever since that day you came crashing through the fence.

Yesterday. Was it?

Well, I don't care if it's five minutes ago, darling. I love you terribly.

But keep.

Darling, do you care?

Oh, Jeff.

Jeff.

This program has been interrupted by request of the Bureau of Investigation

the Department of Justice, which is now engaged in a relentless search for the

kidnappers of Gerald Beresford Wicks.

The last person to see the missing heir was his fiancée, Miss Alicia Brackett.

The only clue to the identity of the culprits is the following description of

suspected woman member of the gang.

That's that.

I guess you'd better go home to Alicia.

But Don...

I'm not in love with Alicia. You're engaged to her, aren't you?

Yes, but... Last night in your sleep, you called out her name.

I did?

Yes, you did.

That's the windmill you said you couldn't leave.

Yes, it is.

I... I forgot about it a moment ago.

Oh, Jerry.

I meant what I said about caring for him.

But... But what?

I don't know.

Just what?

But that doesn't make sense.

I know it doesn't.

But I really meant it.

Now you'd better go.

Go where?

Home, of course.

I'm not going home, and neither are you.

Oh, you've got to. I'm not. They're hunting for you. I don't care whether

they're hunting for me. Oh, shut up!

Why don't you practice what you preach? All that talk about women.

And look at me.

Sit up.

Eyes front.

Done.

Now, you hurry up.

I'm going down to see if you're close to ready.

Oi!

See you in a minute, darling.

It's stopped raining. Are you coming?

Oh, I don't think I'm going to marry you after all. It takes too long to dress.

Are you coming?

Oh, no.

Can I come in?

Did you see her? Your wife?

Yeah. She came down those stairs like a shot out of a gun. That's when the next

bus left.

Crying, too.

Too bad, mister.

Owner, please.

You can't do this.

Owner, I've got to talk to you.

I must talk to you. Do you understand?

Very workmanlike job. Are you a carpenter by trade? No, I just picked it

Well, you've been working here quite a while. You know, I feel I ought to pay

you for me. Oh, don't bother about that.

As for time, I've got plenty of that.

Matter of fact, I'm looking for a job.

You don't happen to know of any, do you? What kind of a job? Any sort. I know

quite a lot about horticulture. You don't need an assistant, do you? I'm

there isn't enough work here for two people.

Besides, Mona helps me whenever I need any help.

Yeah, I see. She'll be back soon, shouldn't she? Who?

Mona. Mona?

Yeah. Are you a friend of hers?

Well, I think so.

You remember me, don't you?

Yes, yes, of course.

You're the young man that brings the fertilizer.

Yes. No, that must be someone else. I'm the one who ran through the fence.

The fence?

Yes, you remember? Oh, yes.

Yes. Mona's out.

She's going to Europe.

What? To Europe?

Was it Europe?

Oh, no, no. No, I was thinking the time she came back from Europe. No.

No, Mona's gone.

She's gone to visit some friends. That's it. Some friends, yeah. When did she

leave? This morning.

Or was it yesterday morning?

No, no, it was this morning.

Yesterday morning, she got back from her last trip. And she left today just

before you arrived.

She seemed very much distressed.

You don't happen to know where those friends are, I suppose. No, I don't. But

she'll be back in two or three weeks. Doesn't that help?

Well, not very much. I suppose you're sure she will be back.

Of course I'm sure. She's got to come back. She lives here.

Oh. Would you come in the house and wait for her? Oh, no, thanks. I'd better

start looking for that job. I think we'll finish this first. Well, I hope

find a good one. Let's finish this job now.

All right.

Hello. How do you do?

What do you mean, sneaking in here? Scare the daylights out of you.

What do you want?

You ready with me?

Oh, it's you, is it?

Did you find that Carter house?

Yes, but she wasn't home.

Do you remember that mechanic's job you were talking about a couple of days ago?

Is it still open?

Maybe. Why? Do you know someone? Yes, me.

You? Uh -huh.

What did I tell you about flinging your money away?

You know anything about motors?

Oh, yes, quite a bit, I think.

Anyway, you could try me, and then if I wasn't any good, you wouldn't have to

pay me or anything. You see, look, I could take care of the whole place, look

after the cars and everything, and then you'd have plenty of time to divert to

that streamlined golf ball, wasn't it? Oh, I gave that up.

I started out here to make a nutcracker.

But the thing developed so fast that I call it Hooker's patent alarm.

You set this timepiece, when it goes off, that mallet whacks you here, that

whacks you there.

Just naturally knocks you right out of bed. You can't help but get up.

What do you think of it?

It's phenomenal.

You know, I think you've got something there. Why, it beats the world.

Beats the... Say, you're all right.

Beats the world.

There's a good slogan.

Hooker's patent alarm beats the world. Yes.

Well, what are you standing around for? Get to work.

Oh, I've started already.

I just sold some gas outside there. Look, here's the money, uh, the, uh,

We're going to get along all right.

New York Express. There's no statement from the press yet.

Captain, okay.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, excuse me.

I don't know why I tolerate all this. No. Making such a mess of my house. Yes.

Cafeteria in the daytime and barracks at night.

Bratton. I'm still convinced that that sassy brat who crashed through our fence

had something to do with Gerald's disappearance. Definitely, Mrs. Weeks,

definitely. Well, why can't you remember her address? Oh, it's shocking, isn't

it? But I had it there in my little notebook. You remember the little

It was right there in the middle of the page.

But somebody tore out the page.

And I've been thinking and thinking and thinking ever since to try and recall

it. I thought I had it the day before yesterday, so I rushed over to the

address. The whole place looked very familiar, and then I discovered it was

house I used to live in. Oh, idiot.

There's all this foul play here somewhere, Mrs. Weeks.

Who do you want?

Oh, just a second. Alfred, the Wicks National Bank is calling you. Oh, thank

you. Oh, for me?

Yes, take it. Of course, yes. Hello? Yes?

Yes? Yes?

Yes?

Oh, how awful.

Oh, my word, that's terrible.

What is it? It's terrible.

What's terrible? They found Gerald. Found him? Well, not him exactly, but

bank has found a check that he made out for $50 the day after he was kidnapped.

Yes?

Endorsed by two people.

Endorsed by two people.

Who was the first one?

A Mr. Berry? A Mr. Berry. And the other one?

Who?

The killer. Who?

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

The killer who?

Oh, Killer Grew. Killer Grew Shaw.

Oh, the other's Killer Grew Shaw.

Yes? They're holding him for instructions.

Well, why hold him for instructions with all the police here? Have him thrown

here at once.

Reverse the charge. I mean, fly him here at once.

Yes. Yes?

He looks crooked to me. I think I've seen his picture in the robes gallery.

Officer, what's the six -letter word meaning, incarcerated?

Jail.

Come in.

Is your name Mona Carter?

Yes, it is.

What can I do for you? We're from the Department of Justice.

The chief wants to have a talk with you.

Oh, I was expecting that. What is it, Mona? What's happened? Well, they

discovered that Tilly, the bob -teared bandit, is the woman in the case.

For further details, consult your daily paper.

I'll change and be with you in a minute, gentlemen.

Jink.

Jink. What?

Will you come out of that silly hole and talk to me?

Will you marry me? Oh, listen, Jink, you've got to be serious. We're going

up at the house. We've got to do something about Gerald.

Oh, darling, please come up and help me find him.

Did I hear you say darling?

Yes. Well, then that's different.

You know, I might have an idea about where he is. Well, then tell me.

Well, if I do, and I'm asking you this for the last time, I hope.

Will you marry me?

Oh. Oh, honey, we could set up mighty fancy housekeeping on that $25 ,000

reward. Well, I'll tell you what I will promise.

I'll promise I won't marry you ever if you don't help me.

Okay, you win.

Listen, if I go after him, will you come with me? Yes, of course. Where is he?

Well, I have an idea where we can find him. The first move is to interview a

young lady named Tilly Specknagel.

Who on earth is she? Oh, she's a crazy friend of my sister Mona's. Okay.

I'll go get the car. You change, and I'll meet you here in 15 minutes. Right.

Missing millionaire. Since no contemporary photographs are available

kidnapped millionaire, the Department of Justice had an artist get the... Oh.

Jeeper Joe.

Beaver Beersford.

Six foot two.

185 foot... Well, the... Oh, it's him.

Operator. Come on, Maisie, snap away quick.

Get me Mrs. Leona Wicks, Wickstead, Orange County, New Jersey, and hurry it

Hey! Is there a mechanic in the house?

Yes, right here. Having a little trouble?

Having a lot of trouble.

Okay, I'll be right out.

It's you.

It's me.

Sir, I'm sorry for keeping your car all that time, but after... How'd you know I

was here?

Oh, I was checking around, and I found out there'd been a certain young

who's been spending every evening on the Carter doorstep. Did you know Professor

Carter? Ever since I was this high. Well, is that so?

Well, if you came for your car this year, I suppose... Oh, no, no.

It's you I came for. Oh, no. I'm staying here.

Well, that'd be good news if I didn't need that $25 ,000 reward they have up

you, and I think you might be interested in why I need it.

Why? Because it concerns you and Alicia. You see, I'm going to marry her.

Now, look here, my good man.

Alicia's engaged to me. Did you know that? Wrong tense, my good fellow. She

engaged to you. Now, don't get tough, or I'll have to take care of you. Wait a

minute. There was a time when I could be pushed around, but not any longer.

I'm on my own here, earning 30 bucks a week.

And if I say I'm engaged to Alicia, then I'm engaged to Alicia. How do you like

that? Why don't you ask her how she likes it?

Alicia.

Excuse me. Oh, no, you don't. Hold on to him, Jig. Don't let him go.

Hold on to him, Jig. Don't let him go. Well,

I never saw such goings -on. Am I as homely as all that, Gerald?

I'm awfully sorry, Alicia.

But I wasn't really running away from you, you know. But when I saw you

there, I suddenly remembered Wickstead and the bars and the gates and the

regulations and always being guarded until I felt like a lily in a hothouse.

But since then... I've been out in the world, and I've been mixing with people.

People who can laugh and sing and play and be silly if they want to be.

Alicia, this is the side of the fence for me. I'm not going back.

I understand perfectly, Gerald. Do you really? Uh -huh. Oh, you're a darling.

Hey, hey.

Oh, excuse me. If you two have finished your little chat, let's go.

Alicia, are you in love with him?

Oh, well, yes, I'm afraid I am, Gerald. I suppose it isn't quite fair, but you

don't know what love can do.

Don't I?

And are you in love with her? Sure I am. What are you going to do about it? Not

a thing. Shake, pal. I'm in love, too. Ah, I knew it. It never fails. The fatal

Carter charm.

That's it.

Say, how do you know so much about the Carter charm?

Oh, I couldn't miss. Mona's my sister.

She is?

Then perhaps you can tell me where I can find her.

Well, right now I would say that a couple of cops are taking her to see

grandma, by request.

You mean on account of me? Well, that's the general idea.

Then what are we waiting for? Come on.

Attaboy!

Now listen, Shaw, you can make it a whole lot easier for us and at the same

clip a few years off that stretch you're going to do if you'll tell us who

you're protecting.

Now for the last time, where's Gerald Wicks?

I don't know. I never heard of him. Never heard of him. You mean to sit

and tell us you don't know what happened to my grandson?

I assure you, I never even met the young man. Never met him. Did you ever see

this check before?

Yes, I saw the check. I saw the check.

There's my name. There's my name, I said. Well, who is this G .B. Berry? One

your gang? He's a stranger to me. I only met him once. Do you mean to say that

you haven't seen this guy, Berry, since the night you cashed his check?

No, but I'd like to see him. If you catch him, I'd like to hire him as a

He's the best cook. He made the best flapjacks I ever ate in my life.

Marvelous. Oh, I wrote a poem about him. What a contender, though, the inner

man. Even though his cook's been in the can.

Oh, isn't that lovely? I like that.

That's lovely.

Yeah? Good, I got a lot more. I got plenty of bones. Have you? Have you

Yes. It's the meter. Da -dum, da -dum, da -dum, da -dum. Now, that dum, da

da -dum. The guy's nuts.

Yeah, so am I.

Hey, Captain.

The boys just brought in a girl named Mona Carter.

Well, what are you all sitting around there like a lot of dummies for?

Go and grab the ring.

Hurry, Joe. Go down to the front gate and bring that woman up here. You take

four men and see that nobody gets in or out. Bill, Henry, stand guard at the

back door. Put two men on the side gate. We're not going to take any chances.

Well, you cover that library agent.

Wait a minute. I'll go with you.

Now, Grattan, you take this Shaw person up to the blue room. I'll question him

later. And don't let him escape.

Remember, I hold you responsible for everything that happens. Mr. Shaw, I'm

going to ask you not to concern yourself with these human bloodhounds and so

-called sheriffs.

You know, I've never met a poet before.

No? No, I've been to Niagara Falls. I've been bitten by a bat, but I never met a

poet. I'm working on a great masterpiece now, you know. I write my poems just

for a laugh. I do my best work in the dark, I see.

Oh, isn't that good? Dark and laugh. Oh, that's very good, yes. You wouldn't

have a good rhyme for orange, would you? Banana?

I thought of porridge.

Now, remember, Grattan.

You take down every single word that this rat says. Yes, Mrs. Wicks.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Wicks. How dare you run away with my

grandson? What have you done with him? Where is he?

Let's talk.

You're impudent.

She's impudent. Yes.

Put that down. I haven't. I didn't intend to be impudent, Mrs. Wicks. But I

don't like being shouted at, if you please.

Very good.

I don't know what you brought me here for.

All I can say is that neither Mr. Shaw nor any of the suspects had anything to

do with Jerry's going away.

Jerry?

By any chance are you alluding to my grandson, Gerald Beresford Weeks? The

same. All he wanted was to get out of this penitentiary for a while. Oh,

been misinformed.

Why would he do that? He had everything here in the world that he wanted.

I've tried to bring him up as a perfect specimen of his type and plan.

You darn near did it, too.

Until you came along. Just in time, I should say. In time to ruin everything.

For Jerry's sake, I hope so.

I have it, Mrs. Wicks.

Oh, you should have seen your precious Gerald slap down truck drivers. And

out price fighters. And smash through police barricades. And tear along the

roads at midnight.

And make flapjacks. Make flapjacks? Oh, imagine, flapjacks.

Sit down, sit down, won't you?

Now, see here.

Tell me, what have you done with him? Where is he now?

I don't know.

I haven't seen him for weeks.

Don't lie to me.

You enticed him away, now you're hiding him somewhere. Don't try to bully me as

you did him. I won't stand for it. She won't stand for it. Now, see here, young

woman, I don't know what your intentions are, but if trapping my grandson into

marriage is any part of them, you might just as well dismiss the idea at once.

Well, I'm not very much of a trapper, but if it makes you feel any easier, I

wouldn't marry your grandson if you paid me.

Write that down.

Put that down.

Why not?

Because you're his grandmother.

Put it down.

Grandmother. You're a scandalous, designing woman.

And you're not going to leave this house until you tell me where he is.

Hello, Grandma.

Gerald. Gerald, my darling.

Oh, where have you been?

I missed you so.

Hello, Mona.

Hello?

What are you doing in those awful clothes?

I'm a $30 -a -week garage man. How do you like the improvement?

Improvement? Don't flatter yourself. You look the same silly idiot you always

were and always will be.

What a gratton.

But, Grandma, I... Windmill.

Okay. What's that?

I said you're a windmill.

Quiet!

Who ever heard of a windmill running on water?

Quiet!

Quiet!

I'll be here, Gerald.

If you think... Quiet!

Quiet! Quiet! I can't think. I can't concentrate. I can't think at all. Keep

quiet. Very good. Very good.

Water quickly.

I need it.

I'm going to get out of here before the shooting starts.

Wait a minute.

You're staying here. Oh, no, I'm not.

You're doing all right for yourself since you came home with Alicia.

Listen.

Alicia is going to marry your brother, Jink.

What?

Jink? What's that?

What Jink? That's me, ma 'am. You?

You expect to marry Gerald's fiancée? Oh, no, she's not his fiancée. He

her. But I haven't released her.

Alicia, who is this, this dink person?

Well, he's the man I was telling you about, Aunt Leona, working on the

Grattan, did you hear that?

Pipeline. I have it down.

Pipeline. Gerald, pipeline.

If you are insane enough to be serious about this, this pipeliner, may I ask

what you intend to marry, Aunt? On the money you're going to pay him for

bringing me back.

Oddly enough, Gerald doesn't want to marry me. He wants Mona. I don't want

Gerald.

Well, I want Jinx. And I want Alicia.

Now, listen to me, Alicia.

You're not marrying this upstart, this Jinx or whatever his horrible name is.

You're marrying Gerald. I am not. Of course she's not.

Well, why should you think that? Well,

everyone kindly shut up and I'll do some talking.

Now, look. The first thing you've got to get into your mind is you're marrying

me. Do you understand?

I am not.

Do you think you can force me to marry you, Mr. Gerald Beresford? Jerry to you?

All right, Jerry.

I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in the world.

Well, you are. Well, I'm not.

I don't like your family.

Especially this old tyrant over here. Who's a tyrant? You are. You're a

selfish, suspicious old tyrant. You think I'm a fortune hunter?

Well, I wouldn't marry this pet lamb of yours if he had $50 million.

Oh. I suppose he isn't good enough for you.

No, he isn't.

And you have the nerve, the audacity to stand there and refuse to marry my

grandson because he isn't good enough for you?

I never heard of such impudence.

Well... Isn't she marvelous?

Isn't she?

Now, see here, young lady.

You're going to marry Gerald, and that's that, and I don't want to hear another

word about it. Oh, no, she's not. Not that she doesn't want to, and you're not

going to make her.

Who's going to stop me? I am.

I'm choosing my own wife. Ah, that's what you think.

Well, get me that Pennsylvania law book. On the top, on the end, on the right?

Yes, that's the one.

Not that you deserve her, because you don't.

She is too good for you. Don't you contradict me.

She's got a will of her own. She's no milk -and -water, shilly -shally,

-floppity weathervane like some people I could mention.

She's got courage.

You have.

And don't you dare deny it.

She's the only one who isn't afraid of me. Now get out. Get out, all of you. Go

on and take your jinx and see that he washes his hands and face and stays for

dinner. Go on. Go on. Take them all and give them something to eat and drink.

Go on and... Ah!

That's what I want. Now you'll hear something.

Did you ever see that before?

Why, yes, that's... That's where you registered yourself on this sassy...

my name. Mona's my name, it's man and wife.

And here's the 1827 Pennsylvania law that has never been repealed or amended.

Would you like to hear it?

Would you, uh... What could we lose?

Here, you read it.

If any man or woman do jointly and before competent witnesses publish and

acknowledge themselves to be man and wife, and in addition if one or both do

written record under whatever name attest this status, this shall and does

constitute a legal article of wedlock, and so may be registered and recorded.

Amen.

Amen. Amen.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Kiss the bride.

Oh.

You call that a kiss? When I was young, if a girl could get back her breath

under three minutes, she'd think the gentleman had insulted her.

Stop it!

Well,

I've spent a million dollars making you the perfect specimen. And if you haven't

any answer for a simple little thing like that... Blonde!

Yes.

Oh, my word.

More water, Mrs. Wicks? No, give me a beer.

Come on.

How'd you come?

No, I won't budge. I like it here.

Will you come out of there? What do you mean by slapping my face?

I'll slap it again. You deserved it.

Oh, you will, will you? We'll see about that. What are you going to do?

You'll see.

How do you like that?

I don't like it.

A fine way to start our married life. I'll have it announced.

I'll get a divorce.

Oh, you will? On what grounds? That you don't love me?

Well, uh, yeah, I will tell you.

about grandma that she wouldn't find out about that old pennsylvania law you

mean to say you knew about that all the time well if i didn't then i spent half

a week sorry with the best lawyer in beresfield for nothing besides law

mondays tuesdays and wednesdays uh i think that the study kiss me instead

i

must take a course at this sometime