Original subtitles

Oh, here it goes.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Welcome to the show. My name is Kenan. All right.

I don't see kale.

Kale!

Kale!

What?

Read it. Man, I don't want to read it.

Why don't you... Uh...

Ladies and gentlemen.

Uh... Please join me in welcoming the master of funk.

The king of cool.

And the lord of love.

Here.

Give me my shower.

Come here.

What are you doing?

Oh, I was trying to make a big entrance, you know.

Yeah. Well, do you mind if we get the show started, man? Oh, sure. Go ahead.

All right.

Now, our show tonight is about how when I'm... See...

There comes a time in a young man's life where he realizes it's time to grow up.

Come here.

I'm sorry. You didn't see I was talking, man?

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Take that stuff off.

See,

there comes a time in a young man's life when he realizes it's time to grow up.

He realizes what's important in life, like family, love, friendship.

Kenan, what are you talking about?

Whoa, man, I'm late for work. Catch up with me later. See y 'all all right.

Get in the car.

Kenan, but we can't drive.

Oh, here it goes.

What's up, boss? You're late.

Why do you always have to be late for work?

Well, I had a problem with my car, man. You don't have a car.

Well, that's the problem.

Well, get used to it. You're not old enough to drive a car.

What?

All right, I brought my stuff.

Oh, good, man. Bring it over here.

All right, now, how does this junk get us any closer to getting a car?

Look, I told you. I only got 400 bucks saved up, so we're going to have to sell

some of this stuff. I don't know. Buying a car? I mean, what if we get in

trouble? Why are you always concerned about getting in trouble? Because you

always get me in trouble.

Look, man, do you trust me? No.

is going to be having our own car.

You know, no more waiting for the bus, no more walking to school in the snow,

huh? And we get to go out on a date.

I don't want to date you. Not me, man.

Girl. Oh, girl.

What you got for us to say? I got a broken telephone,

my old toothbrush, teddy bear. This is my teddy bear.

What? I left this at your house in second grade. Oh, Teddy, I missed you.

Oh, will this be all for you, ma 'am? Yes, thank you. All right.

Want to buy a cactus?

No. Teddy bear? No!

Mom, I want to open the Google Puffs now.

You can open the cereal when we get home, sweetheart.

Now! I want to open them now! Now, now!

Kid's pretty hungry, huh? Oh, no. He just wants to win the Google Puffs,

thing. Yeah, if you find a golden monkey inside a box of Google Puffs, you win

$10 ,000.

Thank you very much. Come on.

Any more back?

No, we opened our 700 boxes.

Kenan, I need you to help me unload the melon.

Who violated the Google

Puffs? Didn't you feel the earthquake?

There's no earthquakes in Chicago.

Wind, sure.

See, where... Be quiet.

Kenan, this was coming out of your paycheck.

Now clean up these puffs pronto.

Cal, you're fired.

I don't work here.

Well, see to it that you don't.

Chris, calm down, man. You're twitching again.

Why must you always point it out?

Two million Google Puffs. And all we got is 12 Super Bowls, 12 packages of

removable tattoos, and a bunch of circus tickets.

Heenan, come here quick.

Man, what you do now, man?

What comic books are these?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll get them out of here. No!

Where'd you get these?

Oh, they were my dad's. He gave them to me when I was a kid, but... What are you

up on, like, Skankator or something?

Not Skankator.

Skunkator.

Half man, half skunk.

From the planet Pew.

These were the first scratch -and -sniff comic books ever to make it to the U

.S. of A. Here.

first -generation, original, skunk couture.

These are worth thousands.

What are you saying, man, that we can get thousands of dollars for them old

funky, nasty, smelly, fake comic books?

Sure. My uncle's a comic book dealer.

He'd buy these for sure.

All right, I'll tell you what.

You sell those for all that you can get, and I'll give you, uh, 5%. All right.

You want another whiff? No!

Stop sniffing the comic book.

Now, what time can you bring the money back?

Uh -huh.

Right. Cool.

Later.

So, what'd he say, man?

Who? Chris.

Oh, he said he's gonna bring the money by Saturday, 10 a .m. All right, cool.

Let's pick out a car.

Whoa, look at all those cars for sale. Uh -huh.

And, I mean, what was that?

I don't know.

Take the closet.

Nah. You were spying on me again, weren't you?

Prove it.

Hi, Cal.

What's up?

You look nice.

Well, you know, I have been working out. Excuse me.

What did you hear in the closet?

I couldn't hear anything.

Good. Time for you to go.

But why are you buying a car?

Kyra, you will not tell Mom, Dad, or anyone that we're buying a car.

I'll tell Mom you broke the TV.

But you broke the TV. That doesn't mean I can't tell Mom you did it. I'm not

scared of you.

Come here. Come over here and do this.

I want you to come over here and do this.

Kyra, please don't tell.

For me?

Okay, Cal.

For you.

Okay, bye -bye.

See you later.

All right, so what do we do, man? All right, check it.

See, we just post a message telling people we want to buy a car.

Then we just kick back and let the sellers bring the cars to us.

Now I just tell the people to bring the cars here on Saturday anytime after 10 a

.m. Bring the cars.

Dinner time!

Wait a minute.

What are your parents going to say when the people start showing up in here with

cars on Saturday?

We got to get them out the house.

Well, how are we going to do that?

No.

You know I got sent to the principal's office. I didn't. I just figured I had a

50 -50 chance.

Keenan! Huh?

Hey, Sheriff.

Didn't you say you wanted some more water?

No, I'm cool.

Now do you want some more water?

No, I'm cool. I'm kidding, baby.

I'm all right.

Now do you want to tell us why you were sent to the principal's office?

No, thank you.

Okay. See, um, today in school, we had a substitute teacher.

And?

And, um, well, you see, I sort of accidentally, on

accident, um, I glued her butt to her chin.

That's funny.

That's not funny. Yeah, Keenan, that's not funny.

Keenan, I want you to apologize to that woman first. thing in the morning. Yes,

sir. You're getting too old for that nonsense.

It's just a joke.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Huh?

Radio station.

Oh, hey.

It's WHBQ radio. If I answer the next question correctly, we win three tickets

to the Chuckerson Saturday.

Okay, what's the question?

Um, um, the question is, um, uh, what time is it?

What time is it?

It's, um, 7 .43! 7 .43?

We won?

Yes, we won!

We won!

We're going to the circus!

Hey, everybody!

So, is the doorbell broken?

I got front.

Kyra caught it first.

Oh, man.

Kenan will be back by three. Okay, don't rush. Yes.

Behave yourselves.

Bye, Cal.

Come on, Cal.

Man, I thought that was never going to leave. Yeah, all right.

Chris better hurry up with our money. I know.

Just imagine.

In a couple of hours, we're going to be cruising in our new car.

Hey, Chris, come here.

Don't sit on the car, man.

Hey, Chris.

Yeah, I saw the message you guys posted about when to buy a car.

Mine's that green one across the street. Ooh, not bad. Come on in, man. Let's

go. Thanks.

You know, now, it's 12 years old, but it's in really good shape. I'd like to

about 6 ,000 bucks for it. Ooh, 6 ,000.

What, something wrong?

In your ad, you said money was no object.

Not a problem, man. Sit down. We'll talk some business. All right.

Excuse me a moment. Okay.

I brought the comic books to my uncle, but as it turns out, your skunk -a

had been overly scratched and nipped. Oh, Chris!

I couldn't help myself.

You guys looking to buy a car? Yes.

Yes, we are, but we're a little short on cash right now. That's all.

Oh. Well, uh, how much do you have to spend?

About $400.

Oh.

Come here.

You like that car?

Ooh, that's fresh. Why?

Well, it's my mother's car, really, but she's getting a little too old to drive

it, you know? And it's worth a lot more than $400, but, uh...

I think it'll be all right.

Hey, you guys are over 16, right? No.

All right, then.

Want to do it?

You're serious?

You're going to sell us that car for $400?

Yeah, sure. I got the title and registration right here.

You guys have the money?

200 right there, man.

Oh, see, I got the other 200 at home in my underwear drawer.

No problem.

I'll just come and get the rest of it tomorrow, and you guys can go ahead and

take the car.

You're just going to trust her?

Yeah, sure. You work here. I know where to find you.

I'll hang on to the title till we settle up.

Congratulations.

Bye, guys. Hey, enjoy that car. Yeah, I will, man.

Yeah.

Ah!

We got a car!

We got a car!

Yeah, we got a car!

Say what? Say what?

What have you done, and who did you do it to?

No, man. We got a car, man. Check it out. C -A -R -A. Hey, whose blue car is

that parked out front?

His. Huh?

Hey, Chris, man, you know we not old enough to drive a car.

Yes, officer, it's my car.

Is there a problem?

Yeah, it's in a no parking zone.

Oh. And it's stolen.

So

you say

the guy who sold you this car is coming back tomorrow for the rest of the money?

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

All right.

I'll tell you what.

You help us nail this guy, and maybe I can let you off the hook.

I might be able to even get you your $200 back.

I think we can help you out.

Okay. All good? Yeah.

Bad boys, bad boys. What's that thing?

That's a wireless microphone.

It'll let us hear everything you're saying.

And where will you be?

We'll be right across the street in that van.

Okay. Officer, what should I be doing?

You know that Chinese restaurant on the corner of 6th and Lincoln?

Yes, I do. Then go get us some lunch. This may take a while. All right.

Okay, so, um, what's the plan?

As soon as he hands you the title and takes your money, you say the code line.

Right.

What's the code line?

The code line is, the chipmunk has pneumonia.

Oh, what chipmunk?

There's no chipmunk. That's the code line. What happens when I say the

has pneumonia?

Well, that's our cue to rush in and arrest the bad guy.

Okay. I got it. Yeah.

All right, kid. Good luck. Stay loose. And remember, we're right across the

street. Hey, don't go far, please.

Thank you. The chipmunk has pneumonia.

get the rest of the money.

the chimp has a banana?

Yes, I did.

Why?

I don't know.

Well, looks like all 200's here.

All right.

The chicken has a fever.

The choo -choo has a mucky fish.

Come a, come a, come a chameleon.

What are they saying?

you should count the money again. No, I don't think I should count the money

again. Oh!

Hey, hi, Kenan. Hey, son.

Mom!

Dad!

What are y 'all doing here?

We came to pick up some pistachio nuts for your aunt's birthday.

Uh, yeah, she has pneumonia.

Pneumonia! Man, the chip might have pneumonia!

Don't call your auntie a chipmunk.

And next time you buy a car, try to make sure it ain't...

Your daddy grounded us both till we 30 years old. Well, at least we were able

to, uh, salvage most of the Chinese food and... You still got the khakis?

Man, can I help it if the Dumbo police forgot to take them?

What's my name? Tell me twice.

Man.

We still got the Chinese food. Get my grab on. What the fuck?

was recorded in front of a live audience at Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando at

Universal Studios Florida.