All language subtitles for Ian Lara - 2022 - romantic comedy ENG

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♪ ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome Ian Lara!

♪ ♪

- Yes.

Yes!

Come on, come on!

Sit down, sit down, stop!

Stop, stop, stop.

Sit down.

I know some of y'all
looking confused like,

"Nobody is standing up."

That's why we did the smoke.
We gonna edit that out in post.

They gonna have me
in a full standing ovation

when I come out.

It's nice to be here, man,
taping my HBO special.

This is nice.
I'm glad to be doing this.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

I wasn't even gonna do this.

They just through me on
last minute

'cause I just bought
this jacket,

and it's the only thing I got
invited to this weekend,

so it had to happen, you know?

That's one thing COVID
taught me--

wear your outfits
as soon as you get them.

Yeah.
Don't save them.

You never know when they're
gonna take this away from us.

You'll be stuck.

I went into a depression
during the pandemic

for different reasons,
'cause at first when it hit,

I was nervous.

I was like, no, this is crazy.

We got to stay inside
and stop the spread.

And then after a couple weeks,
I was like, ooh...

when am I gonna wear
this peacoat?

I was ready to come out.

As soon as things opened up,

I was outside
in my best outfits.

I didn't care
what the event was.

I was overdressed
to everything.

I swear to God, I was the
flyest nigga at the protests.

Dressed to the teeth.

I showed up to loot
in a suede tuxedo.

Everybody was confused.

Like, is this nigga
from corporate?

Why is he stealing a TV
in a suede tuxedo.

That's not how
you steal electronics.

He's gonna get hurt.

I liked the pandemic

for the break
it gave us from each other.

I think we needed that,
you know?

Things was getting out of hand
being on top of each other

all the time, you know?

Like, traveling was getting
too annoying for me.

Not for me.
I like to travel.

I don't like it
when other people travel.

I don't.
A lot of new travelers now.

People start traveling,

and they think
they better than you.

And I blame Groupon.

Groupon had to go and make
every vacation affordable.

Now you got people
that never left the hood

flying to Iceland for $175.

Then they come back
and get cocky with you.

Now I got to listen to a nigga
with face tats talk

about the Northern Lights
for three hours.

They get mad
when you don't understand.

It's like, "Dude,
don't talk to me about science.

"There's a Virgin Mary tattooed
on your face.

Talk to me about that.
I want to learn about that."

It was too much too fast,

especially
if you're a real New Yorker.

Y'all know New Yorkers--
we're not created

to just go experimenting
all over the world.

We function here.

We know the rules
to survive here.

There's rules to New York City.
It's common sense to us.

Like, you get on a train,
there's a homeless guy

in the corner
with a curtain around him,

you stay out of his apartment.

That makes sense to us.

But you can't take a man
used to wearing

Timberland boots
at the beach...

and just drop him off
in the middle of Iceland, okay?

No corner store bodegas,

nowhere
to get loosie cigarettes.

It's very dangerous.

You got to take niggas
out the hood incrementally.

Take them to Six Flags first.

See how they behave
at Fright Fest.

Then we'll talk
about traveling.

'Cause I travel now, but I had
to learn how to do it.

I wasn't born with it.

Like, I didn't know vacations
were supposed to be relaxing.

Y'all knew that?
I didn't know that.

My parents were immigrants.

Immigrant parents don't go
on vacation to relax.

Immigrant parents use vacation

like the Scared Straight
program,

where they take the badass kids
to the prisons.

That's how they'll treat you.

They'll take you to the worst
part of their home country...

to show you what your life
could be like...

[cheers and applause]

If you keep fucking up.

I remember the first time
I went on "vacation"

with my family--
they just took me to a lake.

They was like, "That's
where we went to school."

I was like, "How do you go
to school in a lake?

It's a lake."

They was like, "Keep acting up.
You'll find out."

I learned at a young age
that summer vacation

was a different experience
for the immigrant kids

compared
to the white American kids,

whole family born
and raised here.

Just culturally,
it was different.

'Cause the teacher
would quiz us when we got back.

She'd want to know,
so she'd ask.

She'd start
with the white kids.

"Hey, Tucker!

How was your summer?
What did you learn?"

And Tucker would have
a beautiful story.

He'd be like, "Well, me
and my family went to Europe,

"and we visited
all the museums,

and we learned all
about the Roman Empire."

She'd be like, "Wow.

That's fantastic."

Then she'd get excited
and ask me,

"How about you, Ian?
What did you learn?"

And I'm nine years old like,

"Well, me and my family went
to the Dominican Republic."

[cheers and applause]

"And I learned how
to masturbate

without electricity, so..."

They used to send me
to the principal's office.

I used to get mad like,
"No, I don't know what Tucker

was doing with his vacation."

Anybody can masturbate
in Europe.

That's easy.
That's white privilege.

Everybody knows that.

You do it
in a Third World country,

that builds character.

That takes determination
and imagination.

Y'all should have seen
the pictures

I was painting
at nine years old.

That's when I knew
I was gonna be an artist.

I was like,
I think I got what it takes.

I'm a creative.

Now I'm 31.
I'm single, not married.

I see some couples
in here tonight.

You guys look good.
I like couples.

I'm trying to be in a couple.

My own--I don't want
to join your couple.

You got to be clear
about that now.

There's people out there being
in a happy relationship,

then, all of a sudden,
just want other people

to join their couple.

There's a word for them.

They're called--
people that want

to date multiple partners--
they're, um,

men--that's the word
I was looking for.

That was our thing first,

and they're trying
to steal it from us.

And I'm not gonna pretend it's
not fun being a single guy,

but I don't get the comfort

like you people
in relationship.

When you in a relationship,
you can get comfortable.

When you single,
you can't get comfortable.

You got to stay up to date

with all the new sex
that comes out,

'cause sex updates now.

I don't know why.

For thousands of years,
it was the same.

We agreed we was gonna
all do it the same.

From, like, the caveman era to,
like, 2007, it was the same.

Then I don't know
what happened.

Obama got elected,
it just started updating.

I don't know why.

It comes at you fast.
I can't keep up.

I remember when eating ass
just came out.

You guys remember that?

Y'all remember when it was new?

Not a lot of people--
you couldn't get it everywhere.

It was like poke bowls.

Only certain regions
of the country

knew how to do it right.

And people weren't open
about it like they are now.

Now they admit it.
Back then, no one admitted it.

Everyone had an uncle
that would admit it,

but he was way ahead
of the curve.

He shouldn't
have been doing that.

He'd just show up
to the barbecue like,

"What y'all got on the grill?

Y'all don't got no ass for me,
do ya?"

Your family would just be like,
"That's Uncle Freddy.

"He been talking about
eating ass since the '70s.

"We don't know why he do it.

"Just keep the silverware away
from him.

We'll figure it out."

Now we've evolved as a species.

Eating ass, that's first base.

That's like
a bachelor's degree.

That's not impressing anybody.

And I'm not trying to pretend
it's not fun being a single guy

or, like, it's harder to be a
single guy than a single woman.

It's not harder,
but when you a single guy,

when you hooking up randomly,
you have sex,

you got to stay basic.

You can't get too crazy
'cause you'll go to prison.

Women, y'all can take risks.
Y'all can do whatever you want.

'Cause men, we'll play along.

We never want to feel
like we left out

of whatever the new update
going around is.

So y'all can push us,
but sometimes it get crazy.

I remember this one time
I was talking to this girl.

We started kissing--

nothing crazy,
just making out, normal.

In the middle of it, she grabs
me by the back of my head.

And she took her two thumbs

and just started ramming them
into my eyeballs.

She just started jamming
her thumbs into my eyeballs.

In the middle of a make-out,
I'm getting my eyes gouged out.

And I had two thoughts
in my head.

One of them was like,
dude, just pretend you like it.

Don't be a bitch.
Don't be a bitch.

She gonna think
she's better than you.

Don't let her have that.

And then my other thought was
like, but you just got Lasik.

You can't be out here
doing shit like this.

This is gonna ruin
your corneas.

You shouldn't be doing this.

No part of me thought,
hey, just tell her to stop.

I didn't even think
that was an option.

'Cause men, we rationalize
things in our head.

I had made peace with it.

I was like, oh, no,
this is just

what white women are doing
in Minnesota, okay.

I guess that settles the debate
about who's hornier,

men or women?

I was willing to lose
my vision...

for a six in Minnesota.

I don't think you ladies ever
willing to go down that route.

Every time I tell people
that story,

I get two different reactions,
'cause when I tell women,

they're very empathetic.

They're like, "I can't believe
you let that happen to you.

"That is crazy.

You could have got
yourself hurt."

Then I'll tell a man,
and they're like,

"Nigga, sometimes
you got to lose your vision.

What are you gonna do?"

They'll start bringing a Bible
into it for no reason.

"God only gives
his biggest battles

"to his strongest soldiers.

This is just the cross
you got to carry."

And my family, you know,
they want me to settle down.

They'll bring it up, you know.

You come
from an immigrant family,

they'll put that pressure
on you.

You ever had your family shame
you for being single in public?

Why is it always the person
in the worst relationship...

that wants to give you advice?

I got an uncle like that--
every time he see me,

he's like,
"Ian, you still single, man?

"You don't know what it's like
to have somebody else

"where you're
holding them down,

"and they're holding you down,

"and you holding
each other down,

"and it's just
an unbreakable bond, man.

It's beautiful."

I'm like,
"Your wife tried to stab you.

I drove you to the hospital.
She stabbed you, man."

He's like,
"Yeah, but she didn't leave.

"That's what I'm trying
to tell you.

You need to get you
one like this."

And my family--
they don't care where I'm at.

They'll just bring it up.
They don't care what I'm doing.

Like, tonight
I'm filming a special.

They don't care.
They'll bring it up.

After the show, "Yo, Ian,
what's wrong with you?"

I'm like, "What you mean?
I just bought this jacket.

I'm doing okay. Why?"

They're like,
"No, not the jacket.

"Why you here by yourself?
What's going on?

"You can't find a nice lady
to settle down with?

"Can't find
a pretty girl willing

to settle down with you?"

I never get mad or embarrassed.
I just tell them the truth.

I'm like,
"Listen, it's not my fault.

It's because women
don't settle anymore."

No, that was back in the day,

when you could trick
a beautiful woman

into marrying you on discount.

She didn't know
what was out there.

She thought you was the best
she could do.

She didn't know.

Now they know.

Thanks a lot, Instagram.
You ruined it.

Ruined it for everybody.

They don't want
to settle down anymore, no.

Every single woman in here
thinks they're one bikini photo

away from a DM
from Michael B. Jordan.

They're not settling down
with you.

You allowed to have
whatever crazy expectations

you have of dating as a woman,
you can just have them now.

They encourage it
with each other--I hear them.

I hear them, "Girl, leave him.
You don't need him.

"Who cares if he's a doctor?
You're on OnlyFans.

You're the breadwinner.
You leave him."

I had a woman tell me
to my face

that she wasn't even gonna
consider a relationship

unless she could be promised
a love like "The Notebook."

That's what she wanted--
the movie with Ryan Gosling.

That's what
she was looking for.

She wanted me
to go fight in a war

while she fucked another guy.

She said that to my face.

I said, "I got to wait for you

"to get Alzheimer's
to be with you?

This seems like a lot."

I remember when you just had
to be tall.

Remember that?

That's all you had
to aspire to as a man.

That's all women cared about.

You ain't need to have a job
or make any money.

Just tall, that's it.

They used to ask me,
career day,

"Ian, what do you want
to be when you grow up?"

And with all the confidence
in the world,

I'd reply, 6'2".

And the teacher
would understand.

She'd be like,
"You see, Ian's ambitious.

"This kid gets it.

He understands what it takes
to be successful."

Now you can't just be tall.
No, that's not enough.

I made the mistake--I asked
a girl what was her type.

Guys, don't ask.
You're not her type.

I'll tell you that right now.
You're never her type.

But I asked.
I wanted to know.

I said, "What kind of guys
do you usually date?"

And I feel like
she was trying to embarrass me

'cause she ain't even have
to say all this.

She was like, "Oh, I don't
really date guys like you."

I was like, "You ain't need to
do that motion with your hand.

"I feel like
this was unnecessary.

I kind of just understood
from the words, but okay."

She was like,
"Nah, it ain't you.

"It's that my ex-boyfriend
had neck tattoos,

"so I think it's real sexy
when a man has tattoos

all over his neck."

And I was like, "Oh, well,
if helps you feel any better,

"I also am unemployed, so..."

"Not that different,
me and your ex.

I think you have a type,
Cindy."

That's what's fascinating
about women.

Y'all can just have a type.

Y'all decide at an early age,

"This is the kind
of men I like,"

and that's the only type
of men you'll date.

And as you get older, it don't
matter how attractive he is,

if he's not your type,
you just won't sleep with him.

That's fascinating to me.

'Cause, men,
we have a type also,

but I've never met a guy
that takes that shit seriously.

Here's a sentence you're never
gonna hear from a man, ladies--

"I told you,
I can't sleep with you.

"You got big titties.
I like medium titties.

"I'm sorry.

You're not my type.
This isn't gonna work out."

Men, we have a type the same
way we have a dream car.

It's very unrealistic.

When you young, you ambitious.

You young, early 20s,
you got shit to prove.

You like,
"One day, I'ma work hard.

I'ma get a Ferrari.
You'll see."

Then you get older,
your hairline starts receding,

and you're like,
"I'll take a minivan, yeah!"

I just need to get around, man.

And I'm not trying
to make excuses

for the men in the room,
I'm not,

but, women,
y'all control dating now.

You're in charge,
which is fine.

We had a good run.

10,000 years, it was good.
It was fun.

I'm just saying,
give us time to adjust, though.

A lot of new rules
when it comes to dating now.

Give us some time.

Like, women,
y'all don't even get upset

after breakups anymore.

When did this happen?

I thought,
you broke up with somebody,

she was supposed to be sad.

That's what every R&B song
in the '90s

said was gonna happen.

Y'all remember the music video
always had a girl crying

under a staircase
or in a hallway?

That's what I thought
was gonna happen

when I broke up with somebody.

'Cause your friends,
they'll lie to you.

They're like, "Don't worry.
She's not going anywhere.

"You got some time.
Figure it out.

She'll be there
when you get back."

Not anymore.

You break up with a woman now,

she starts living
her best life immediately.

[cheers and applause]

No, no, don't clap.
I don't like it.

It's too fast.
I don't like it.

You get
into an argument tonight,

in the morning,
she's posting from Bali.

Like, when the fuck did you go
to Indonesia?

I wanted to watch the game.

You flew
to Indonesia overnight?

These Groupon deals
are ridiculous.

I can't keep doing this.

And, again, not making excuses
for the men,

but sometimes
women like to call us immature.

That's a line I hear a lot,
"Men are so immature."

But I need y'all to understand,
when it comes to relationships,

men, we got to figure this out
on our own.

There's nobody we can speak to.
That's why it takes us longer.

Women, y'all have coaching.

Y'all got people
y'all can speak to.

Y'all going through
relationship trouble,

y'all get on the phone,
you have a whole team of women

that'll take a week off work
and move into your apartment,

have your living room looking
like the Pentagon war room,

with TV monitors
all over the living room

so they can dissect
every message

he's ever sent to you ever.

Then they'll move on
to phase two.

Y'all know what phase two is
in a breakup?

It's a brunch.

They'll schedule
a small brunch.

That's what they'll call it--
a small brunch.

67 women will show up
to a restaurant

on a Sunday afternoon

dressed like they going
to the Met Gala.

And that's where
the real work gets done.

That's where they decide
as a unit

when you text back,
when you don't text back,

when you block him,
when you unblock him.

Now they're so sophisticated,

they don't even need
to ask any questions.

They just got to
know two things,

two things they need to know--

when's his birthday
and what time he was born.

They can tell you everything
they need to know

about his personality.

These women don't play fair.

That's why I always tell
the men, "Guys, listen,

you got to stop telling women
when your real birthday is."

"I'm serious.
They'll research it.

"They learn everything
they need to know about you,

"and they'll use it
against you.

Don't tell them.
You got to do what I do."

I don't tell women
my real birthday.

I'll ask you
what your birthday is,

and I'll go on Google,
and I'll look up

the best match
with your birthday.

Then I'll pretend
that's my birthday.

Then every time we get
into an argument, I'm like,

"I don't know what to tell you.

The stars say
we belong together, so..."

"I think this is a you problem.
My moon is in alignment."

It's nice to have somebody
you can speak to

when you're going
through relationship trouble,

somebody you could just run
your problems by.

They'll give you
a clear perspective.

That's nice.
Y'all think we don't want that?

But who we gonna speak to--men?

You ever had
a good conversation

with a man about anything?

Now really think about that.
Juggle your memory.

When was the last time
you left a conversation

with an adult man thinking,
"Nah, I'm glad I did that.

"He understood exactly what
I was talking about.

This wasn't
a complete waste of time"?

Men don't give good advice.
I don't care how old you are.

No man in here
gives good advice.

And it's not
'cause we're stupid.

I don't like that narrative.
We're not stupid.

We're selfish.
It's different.

We only think about ourselves.

You come talk to me
about relationships,

I'll talk to you,
but I'ma be honest with you,

I'm a single guy.

Single guys,
we just want all of our boys

to be single with us so
we can run the town together.

So you come talk to me,
I might ruin your life.

I'm being honest.

Any minor inconvenience,
I'm like,

"Dude, you don't need
to be with her.

"Those kids are
six and seven years old.

"They're practically adults.

"Pack your bags.
We going out.

"It's wing night.

"You're 47.

You're too young
to be thinking about a family."

And, ladies, I think
y'all got a misconception

about men and our relationship
with our boys,

'cause I think women can keep
it real with each other.

Like, when y'all going
through stuff,

if you tell your homegirl
that you did something,

she could tell you
to your face,

"Hey, you're wrong about that.
You should apologize."

But men--we ain't trying
to have no awkward conversation

with our boys.

We'll say anything
to avoid shit getting weird.

I remember one time, one of
my boys was going through it,

so he got
the whole gang together

so we could give him "advice."

And, basically,
this is what happened.

He was hooking up
with some girl,

and I guess she wasn't
into it like that,

'cause he said that as soon
as he took his clothes off,

she just got up and said
she had to go to work.

And he was genuinely
asking us like,

"So y'all think
she really had to go to work?"

And he had three adult men
at the same time

look him dead in his eyes
and be like,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think it was you?

"No, she's probably a doctor.
That's what it is.

"You could meet a doctor
at the strip club, yeah.

A lot of doctors work
at the strip club."

You can't count
on your single friends.

And I know what y'all thinking,
what about married men, right?

You can speak to them.
No, you can't.

Married men are the worst.
I don't speak to them at all.

They're completely clueless
to what's going on.

Married men make me think
marriage is like prison,

'cause married men think
dating still works

the exact same way it did
the day they got married.

Like, no one
on the outside has updated.

Married men think how men who
just got out of prison dress.

It was Sean John going in,
Sean John coming out.

Their style not updating
for nobody.

You ever try to talk
to a man who's been married

a long time about women?

It gets weird.

Some of the stuff they suggest
is borderline illegal.

You're like,
"Sir, that's a crime now.

"I can't do that.

"I've seen a documentary
on Netflix about that.

I'm not doing that."

I tried to talk
to my grandfather about it.

He was married 62 years.

I'm thinking,
he's an expert on women, right?

Let me throw some
of my stuff at him.

He knows what I need
to be doing--he knows women.

So I told him some of the stuff
I was going through.

I was like, "Grandpa, I got
this girl--I really like her.

"I been after her
for a little while,

"but I don't think
she's feeling me the same way.

"I'm trying to be respectful.

I think
I'ma just leave her alone."

He was like, "First of all,
you going about it all wrong."

He was like,
"Why you speaking to her?

Call her father.
Get her father on the phone."

He was like, "Call her father.

"Let him know you want
to take his daughter out,

and he needs
to do what's right for her."

I said, "What?"

That's what men were doing
to women back in the day--

calling women's fathers
unsolicited.

That's what they was doing
to them.

Could you imagine--no wonder
you ladies needed a movement.

That's what
they was doing to them.

You see a woman, you like her?
Call her father.

Get her father on the phone.

That was considered romantic.

I said, "That's the plot
of the movie 'Taken,' okay?"

I don't think
that's how you do it anymore.

I had to call him back.

I was like,
"No, thank you, Grandpa.

"I'm not calling
nobody's father.

"Young men,
we know how to get women.

We know what they like to see."

I said,
"I'ma just send her pictures

"of my penis over the Internet

"until she finally
replies to me,

like somebody with class."

I'm not calling your father
like a pervert.

I'm sorry.
I was not raised that way.

I come from a Christian family.
I'm not doing that.

And I feel like I was lied to.

That's why I don't listen
to men.

Men lied to me.

Everybody told me growing up,
"Man, you got to be careful.

"Once you turn 30, these women,

"their biological clock
starts ticking.

"They're gonna want
to have a baby,

"so they're gonna
try to trap you,

"so be careful
when you out there dating

'cause these women,
they're gonna try to trap you."

No woman...

has ever tried to trap me ever.

When is that coming?
When is the trap coming?

They're going the opposite.
I'm going on dates.

These women are taking Plan Bs
like it's vitamin C,

just mixing it
right into their drink.

I'm like,
"We having sex tonight?"

They're like,
"No, we just want to make sure

there's no way possible
we could reproduce."

Women don't want
to settle anymore.

They don't care.
Men want to settle now.

It completely flipped.

All of my boys
in their early 30s,

they're all either married
or trying to get married

'cause they're afraid
they're gonna end up alone.

One of my boys just met a girl
six weeks ago.

They just got together.
Six weeks ago, they met.

He's going around
telling everybody

he found the one.

I'm like, "You got to see
how this plays out."

He's like, "Nigga,
she's a manager at T-Mobile.

I don't know if I could find
another one like this."

"I got to do
what's right for me.

"My clock is ticking.

I can't be out here
experimenting."

And men, we settle.
We do it.

We learned how to do it,
but we got big egos.

Y'all know the male ago,
we can't just come out and say,

"I can't do better.
I'm settling down."

That's not how you do it.

When a man's ready to settle,
this is what he got to do.

He got to pretend
that whatever girl he dates,

that's the type of woman
everybody should date.

That's how he do it.

It don't matter
what she look like.

You messing with a girl with
no teeth, all you got to do--

start making fun
of all your boys

who still messing
with girls with teeth.

Soon as they walk in,
you got to hit 'em with it.

"Yo, you still fucking
that shark bitch Kiesha

with all the teeth?"

They gonna be home
later that night like,

"Should I be messing
with girls with no teeth?

"'Cause my lady
got perfect teeth,

and she's kind of annoying,
so am I doing something wrong?"

'Cause men--we got big egos,
and I know, women,

y'all hate to deal with it.

The male ego,
very fragile thing.

I know, but one of the benefits
about the male ego is men--

we can just
fabricate confidence

where confidence
has no business being.

It's a gift. Women hate it.
They don't like it, you know.

[chuckles]

And I know women hate it,
'cause every woman here

has dealt with a guy
so confident yet so flawed.

You almost want to sit him down
with a PowerPoint presentation

and explain to him
all the reasons why

he shouldn't have confidence.

'Cause women--
they get frustrated.

They're like, "I don't get it!
He's an unemployed DJ!

Why is he so confident?"

You know why, ladies?

'Cause men--
we don't need nothing.

We don't need no one
to tell us nothing.

We just decide in our own head.

We just flip a switch like,
"All right,

confident about this now."

And you could ask them like,

"Who told you
you was good at that?"

They'll just be like, "Nobody.

"I just decided
I'm the man at this now.

It's everybody else's problem."

You know when I realized
men were the kings

of false confidence?

I had this dude
I used to work with,

told me
he was gonna get into porn.

He was gonna do pornography.

So I asked him, I was like,

"You got the equipment
to do porn?

You got a big--"

I thought porn
was like the NBA.

I thought you had to be big
and Black to compete.

I didn't know
anybody could just do it.

But apparently
it's open to everybody.

I didn't know this.

He told me that most
of the penises in pornography

are just average-sized penises.

Isn't that crazy?

Think about that.

In pornography,
that's professional sex.

When a woman wants
to get into sex work,

she can't just show up--
there's a look.

She got to go get her body--
there's a look.

Men will just grow a mustache,
show up--

"I'm here for the sex.

Get the cameras.
Record this for the sex."

You know how confident
you got to be as a man

to look in the mirror
with a 4 1/2-inch penis...

and be like, "I need to be
having sex professionally"?

"This needs to be shared
all over the Internet

for everybody to enjoy."

And, look, that's not
a cheap joke about porn.

I'm just saying, we got to show
them more respect.

We got to treat porn stars
with average penises

like motivational speakers.

Bring them to the high schools,
let them talk to the kids.

Let them know,
don't listen to the haters.

You can do whatever
you set your mind to

if you work hard
and dedicate your life to it.

And, look, don't look
at me like that, okay?

I'm in therapy.
I'm working this shit out.

All right?

I got a therapist.

You got to now.
It's mandatory.

In New York City,
you got to have a therapist,

or you can't do indoor dining,
I think--I don't know.

I don't know what
the rules are, but...

Two things you got to do,
you turn 30 in New York City.

You got to buy an air fryer
and then go to therapy

in that exact same order.

[cheers and applause]

I showed up to therapy.

My therapist was like,
"Where's your air fryer?"

I was like, "I didn't know
you needed an air fryer."

He's like,
"You go purchase an air fryer.

Then you come back, and we'll
work on your childhood."

Got me a Jewish therapist.

If y'all looking for therapy,
go Jewish.

Nah, they're very reliable.
They know what they're doing.

I had a Dominican therapist.

Had to get rid of him.

Found out he was
a party promoter on the side.

I ran into this nigga
at the club.

He tried to do a shot
with me at the club.

I was like, "I'm not gonna
be paying your co-pay

if we gonna be doing shots
together at the club."

I should've known,
'cause his therapy sessions

always used to interlap
with his side hustle.

I never picked up on it.

He used to be like,
"Ian, you need to work

"on how you express yourself
with others

"this Friday night at Penthouse
on my guest list...

between 9:00 and 12:00."

It's like, they give therapists
a guest list?

This is crazy.

My Jewish guy's great, though.

I'll give you guys
free therapy.

This is what he told me.

He said, "If you want
to better yourself,

"this is what you need to do.

"You got to set small goals.

"Once you achieve those,
you set bigger goals.

"And that's how
you climb the ladder

to becoming a better person."

I said, "Perfect,
I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna stop texting
and driving."

He was like,
"That's a good one.

"Are you worried that you're
putting other people's lives

at risk?"

And I was like,
"No, I'm worried

I'm putting my reputation
at risk."

And he was like,
"What do you mean?"

And I said, "Well, Shlomi--"

It's the Jewish guy.

I said, "Well, Shlomi,
I'm afraid one day

"I may get into a car accident
and lose my life,

"and at the crash scene,
they're gonna recover my phone,

"try to piece together
what I was doing

"when I got
into this car accident,

"start reading all
of my text messages

"all out of context.

"Then they gonna try
to make an example out of me,

"take one of my text messages,
put 'em up on a billboard

"on the side of a highway.

"Then every time somebody
drive past this highway,

"they're gonna see a picture
of me and a text message

"talking about eating ass,
and everybody gonna think

"I died trying to eat ass.

"And I'ma be dead,
so I won't be able to explain--

"'I wasn't really trying
to eat her ass.

"'I was trying
to get to know her.

"'That's how you get
to know women now.

You got to let her know
you mean business.'"

And Shlomi was like,
"I have no idea

what you're talking about."

I was like,
"I should have brought this up

with my Dominican guy."

"This is more his expertise."

Y'all don't worry
about things like that?

You ever worry about what'll
happen if somebody

recovered your phone
but you wasn't around

to explain what you was doing
on that phone?

I realized this
'cause I was at a red light.

I was texting
with a friend of mine.

He coaches a basketball team,

third-grade boys'
basketball team,

but he takes it real serious.

He thinks it's like real life.

He was complaining to me
about how the boys

wasn't taking him serious.

It was playoff time, but they
wasn't paying attention.

And I'm trying to console him.

This is my last text message
to him.

This is what I said to him--
I was like,

"If these little boys can't
keep they mouths shut,

then we just gonna have
to get rid of them."

What if that was
the last text message

I ever got to send out?

You trust your friends?

You think your friends
would defend you?

Mine's won't.
My friends all dicks.

They be at my funeral like,
"Ian was a good dude,

but he just couldn't leave
those little boys alone."

Just couldn't do it.

And I talk
about settling down a lot.

A lot of part of my act
is about dating

'cause that's what my grandma
always used to tell me.

I remember she used to tell me,
"Settle down young.

"Settle down young, 'cause
when you settle down young,

"you get to take
romantic vacations

with your partner
all over the world."

And that sounds good to me,

'cause I'm tired
of doing the guys trip.

I think
I'm getting too old for that.

Like, I've done Vegas
a bunch of times.

I've done Miami
a bunch of times.

And that was fun, but--my boy
called me up the other day.

He was like, "Ian, you know
what we still need to do?"

I was like, "What?"

He was like,
"We need to go see Paris."

I was like, I don't know
if I want to go see

the Eiffel Tower
with my niggas.

That's not the type
of vacation...

I don't know
if y'all know this.

Not every vacation
is meant for you

to go on with other men.

I learned that the hard way,
'cause a couple years ago,

I thought
it would be a good idea

to go on a cruise
with my best friend.

It was just me and him.

We thought it was gonna be
a singles cruise

with a bunch of single girls
running around,

but it wasn't.

It was just me
and my best friend on a boat

with 1,200 other couples
for 7 days straight.

And we both straight,
but after being on a boat

for, like, three days
with just couples,

you become a couple.

That's just how it works.

Everybody partners up
on cruises.

I didn't know that.

There's a dinner where couples
got to wear matching outfits,

and you don't want
to mess up anybody's picture,

so you put on matching outfits.

And then people come up to you.

They'll give you
compliments like,

"You guys look adorable."

You just say thanks
and keep it moving.

You don't got time
to explain to everybody

that you're not together.

Got to go to the salsa class
on the lovers' deck.

Y'all know how cruises work.
They start on time.

If you show up late,
you won't get a good seat.

Here's why you don't go
on a boat with another man.

Seven days, that's a long time.
You're gonna argue.

But you're with another guy,

so your arguments
won't make sense.

You start fighting about stuff

that men
shouldn't be fighting about,

and it'll change
your relationship.

I got upset at my best friend
at the dinner table

'cause he was ordering
too much dessert.

That's not the type of stuff
men should be fighting about.

But that's my best friend.

And diabetes runs
in his family.

I don't want to have
to see him go through that.

Craziest thing we did--

on the last night,
we went to the magic show.

Don't go to the magic show
with your boys.

There was a hypnotist
at the magic show.

He asked for two volunteers.

He was like,
"Can I have a single girl

and a single guy to the stage?"

Right away,
a single girl volunteer,

he called her up to the stage,
so I told my boy,

I was like,
"Look, there's a single girl.

You should go up there.
Maybe you could talk to her."

So my boy volunteered.
He calls him up to the stage.

Hypnotized both of them,
had them playing games.

It was fun.

I was very excited and proud
of my friend.

I was standing up, clapping
for him, cheering him on.

I was cool.

It was just weird
for everybody else around us

'cause everybody on the cruise
had already got to know us

as the Black gay couple
on the cruise.

So they was just confused
as to why I was so excited

for my boy going back
into the closet

in the middle of vacation.

So, for the rest of the trip,
they just kept sending me

drinks with little notes
written on them like,

"You don't need to be
with a man like that."

That's the last time I book a
vacation on Groupon,

I'll tell you that.

I don't like that.

This is great, man.
This is great.

I had a crazy year.

I lost my mom last year,
which was really--

[audience aws]

Yeah, it was a real tough time
for me.

I'm kind of still piecing
that back together.

My mom was one
of the most gangster people

I've ever met in my life--
strong Dominican woman.

She was born
in the Dominican Republic,

moved to the United States
at the age of 17,

lived in the United States
for over 45 years.

Never learned a word
of English.

People think that's lazy.
I think that takes skill.

You know how committed
you got to be to live somewhere

for 45 years and not pick up
on a single word?

That takes
Navy SEAL-level training.

And that's the knock
on immigrants.

That's what we tell them.

We're like, "If you're gonna
move to this country,

you got to learn out language
and adapt to our culture."

We say that--America...

the country that won't adapt
to the metric system,

the international unit
for measuring.

We're like, "Yeah,
we not gonna learn that."

That's what everybody uses.

You ever travel to Europe.
They'll try to convince you.

They're like, "Look,
kilometers is a lot easier."

And we like, "Yeah,
but we already made our signs,

so I'm sorry."

"You guys got to change.
That's how it works."

I think not adapting to society
is the most American thing

you could do,
and I'm a proud American,

born and raised
in New York City.

If I ever had to live
in another country...

[cheers and applause]

I ain't adapting to shit.

I'm bringing New York City
with me.

I got a New York attitude.
I can't live anywhere else.

I could be in the nicest place.
I could be in Canada.

I get on the train,
pissed off for no reason.

Like, "Yo, why nobody
masturbating in here?

"Nobody masturbates
on your trains?

"I don't like it here.
I don't feel safe.

Take me home."

Guys, I'm Ian Lara.
You guys have been great.

Thank you guys for coming out.
I really appreciate it.

This means a lot to me.
Thank you, sir.

Thank you.
I really appreciate it.

Thank you, man.

[cheers and applause]

[mouthing words]