Original subtitles

Where are All the men?

Fuck 'em.

Yeah, fuck 'em.

Don't fuck 'em. Yay!

Seriously. Fuck 'em.

We don't need dicks To get our happy endings.

That's what vibrators are for. Am I right?

Rule number 612: Fuck happy endings.

Is that, like, A real rule?

One of the first. 612. Sam's birthday.

Problem?

He misread the Deportation notice.

If we don't get him Married stat,

They're gonna shanghai him Back to manitoba.

What? When did This happen?

Third grade.

It's when I found out I have dyslexia.

But jason went over The documents.

He must have Told you the deadline.

Yeah. He was like, "You'll be fine if blah blah blah."

I stopped listening.

Why don't you just go to the Courthouse tomorrow morning?

They're booked For a week.

Fly to vegas?

Penni's on The no-fly list.

Shocking.

Why can't blair Marry you right now?

Still need a license. And a bride.

Where's penni?

I don't know.

She's like A feral cat

Scratching at The door, trying to get out,

And then she's Gone for days.

Oh, and I promised My bubbe I'd get married

Under a chuppah.

A what-a?

A chuppah.

I also promised her I'd marry A jew and stop looking at boys,

But one out of 3 Ain't bad.

Oh...

Jenna, go find penni.

Megan, go to your florist. Get the flowers.

I'm gonna find a marriage license And make a chuppah.

If you're going down, We're going down together.

I'm going down, and Not in a good way.

This is supposed to Be my happy ending.

Fuck happy endings.

This is gonna be Your happy beginning.

♪ listen close ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom on How flirting is an art ♪

♪ you'll never, ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have any Man you choose ♪

♪ when you follow The rules ♪

♪ just follow the rules ♪

Uhh.

Mmm.

Hello? Hello?

Hi. I need your help. It's an emergency.

Sam? What's going on?

What does she want?

She says it's An emergency.

Of course she does.

You know what? Never mind.

Just put some clothes on. I'm coming up.

So, what do we do?

I'm sorry, sam.

I can't help you.

I don't know anyone At city hall.

But I do.

Wow. Is 5 minutes Not enough time

To put on Some pants?

Jason likes My pants off.

You're lucky I'm Wearing anything at all.

Would you like My help or not?

Uh...Yeah.

I have a friend At city hall.

I'll give her a call In the morning

And see if she'll help Your bartender.

She owes me a favor.

Great.

Good night, sam.

Yeah, well, Have fun.

"Have fun"?

I'm sorry.

I don't want tyler To get deported,

But I can't do it.

Megan, you have to.

Face your fears.

Help tyler get His happy ending

Even if you can't Have yours.

You want me To jack him off?

No. Megan, focus.

You have to overcome Your insecurities.

Just march in there.

Tell him that you really wanted Things to work out between you

But that's not why you're there, And then--

Great advice, princess.

Keep going.

Megan, failure Is not an option.

You have to do this.

I'm sorry, sam. I just can't.

Seriously? I have Been gone for less than 3 minutes.

Why don't we call A truce?

Why? So I can continue To do all the work

While you get Half the credit?

Like it or not, We're a team.

Let me make it up To you.

I'm listening.

Your friend megan--

She needs some Serious help with dudes.

I'm helping her With dudes.

I'm not saying You're not.

It's just, she's Kind of clueless.

Let me rephrase That.

She's extremely Clueless when it comes to guys.

Just give me One night with her.

There is no way That I am setting you up

With another one Of my girlfriends,

Especially not megan.

She takes weeks To get over a bangover.

I'm not gonna Sleep with her.

Just hear me out.

Give me one night With her.

That way I can Teach her all the tricks

That guys use To hump and dump,

And that way She can develop

Some sort of Counterattack.

Megan doesn't attack, Much less counterattack.

She's much more Of a flanker.

Listen, I know that I can be A douche sometimes,

But right now I'm not.

If I screw this up,

I'll give you the Thai tea account.

Deal?

Deal.

And if I don't, I get to teabag everything.

No.

Please!

Camilla jones design. Can I help you?

No, but I can help you.

Who is this?

This is your hairy Godmother.

Meet me at chicago Roast in 30,

And don't be late.

Otherwise your pumpkin Martini will turn into a pumpkin.

You?

Expecting Someone else?

I know rule number 72 says a true friend

Will share Her ex-fling,

But I think it's A little too soon

For me to be swapping Bodily fluids with jenna,

Not to mention The 10,000 other women

You've probably Slept with this year.

Hey, mini-sam, relax.

I'm not here To get in your pants.

You're not?

I'm here to teach you How to get into guys' pants.

How?

I know it's lame, But it's true.

Guys don't like Aggressive girls.

They like to Approach first.

But you can retain control And add an air of mystery

By making him work...

Megan. What a pleasant Surprise.

All righty. There you go. Thank you.

Oh!

Hey. I will have the grilled vegetable Salad with chicken

And a raspberry Lemonade.

Good for you.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Oh. I will be Right back.

You will? Ok.

I mean, really. Good for her.

You should have Seen it.

Like, last week...

Jenna, any news on Our runaway bride?

Nothing yet, But I'm used to tracking ben,

And he was a deviant Little fucker.

I'll find her.

Well, at least we Can cross the flowers off our list,

Thanks to dean.

Dean?

Megan was completely Freaking out about the florist,

So he offered to give her some One-on-one instruction

To boost her confidence.

It was really Helpful, actually.

How the hell Did that happen?

Maybe he felt bad about Stealing all my ideas and clients.

What was in it For him?

Nothing, I guess.

Wow.

♪ hit the lights, Roll the film ♪

♪ here we go, We're shootin' ♪

♪ turn it on, all your charm, You're a pro in provin' ♪

♪ such a star in the sky, Never shine so brightly ♪

♪ everyone looks at you, Isn't life excitin'? ♪

♪ every day, you know You're getting paid ♪

♪ you know it doesn't get Much better than this ♪

♪ you stole the show ♪

♪ you made your name ♪

♪ you've got everything That's fortune and fame ♪

♪ you can't say no, Gotta play the game ♪

♪ because it's all about The fortune and fame ♪

♪ fortune and fame ♪

Thanks so much for giving Me a second chance.

You're lucky I have A soft spot

For perfect peonies...

Uh!

And perfect penises.

♪ look at me, They all scream ♪

♪ like a crowd of groupies ♪

♪ he's gotta go, curtain calls, Audience is waiting ♪

Are we on lying on top Of calla lilies?

Are you allergic?

Yes, but it's ok. I'm close.

♪ you know it doesn't Get much better than this ♪

♪ you stole the show, You made your name ♪

♪ you've got everything That's fortune and fame ♪

♪ you can't say no, Gotta play the game ♪

♪ because it's all about The fortune and fame ♪

Ok. Ok.

That was fun.

♪ you'll sleep tomorrow Or the next day ♪

♪ right now's the time That you gotta play ♪

♪ every day... ♪

So...We're all set For tomorrow at 7:00?

Uh, actually, Make it 6:00.

Ok. Great.

Yeah.

I'll call you Later, ok?

Don't.

♪ it's all about The fortune and fame ♪

♪ fortune and fame ♪

Jones.

Camilla.

I need you to approve the pulls For the ralston house.

No. I said I want to move My facial to 3:00

And my anal bleaching To 4:00.

Serge can't hold it Any longer.

There's another Designer interested.

Oh, thanks, doll. Thank you. Ok, bye. Bye-bye.

It'll only take Two seconds.

I'll do it When I get back.

Sit.

Stay.

Now choose.

Ok. Um, right.

This one, this one, And this one.

We're done. Let's go. Let's go.

According To the police,

She hasn't been Arrested...

Recently, Anyway.

I talked to her Cousin patty.

What did she say?

She said she'll be out In 8 to 10 months

But she can smuggle some xannies In an inmate's ass if I'm desperate.

Why don't we Track her using that app?

Right. I should have Mentioned that earlier.

I'm pretty sure She stole my phone.

Maybe we can track her.

Wait. Isn't that Bootleg's address?

Yeah, but I checked Everywhere in bootleg.

Everywhere?

Yeah, everywhere Ex--

Except the men's Bathroom.

Oh. Ugh.

She's not in there.

Holy shit!

Penni, wake up.

Wake up.

Maybe we should Just slap her.

Haven't you ever Slapped a bitch before?

Yeah.

Nice.

That's for being A pain in the ass.

What the fuck?

Shit.

Ok, people, listen.

My friend is getting Married,

And he promised his bubbe He'd do it under a chuppah--

That and that he'd actually turn out to Be straight, but that's another story.

So who's with me?

Leans a little To the left,

Which kind of reminds me Of the last guy I slept with.

But...

It'll do.

Oh, shit.

How are we gonna Get it there?

I have a truck.

It leans a little To the left,

But it'll do.

♪ I would never, Ever, never, never... ♪

Why the fuck Didn't you call me?

Why didn't you respond To my love letter?

Oh, was that What that was?

I was out of town Visiting my brother

For a few days, All right?

As much as I love, love, love your Fucked-up little heart,

The next time you have Something to say,

Just tell me.

I love you.

I don't want to fuck Anyone else but you.

And I don't want you To fuck anyone else but me.

I don't need a label, But...

If that's what being Boyfriend and girlfriend is,

Then that's what I want.

Is that all?

No.

I want you to Meet my friends.

Really?

Hope I'm not Disturbing you.

If you're asking Whether or not

A girl's here, The answer is no.

What are you Doing here?

I wanted to thank you For helping megan.

Don't look at me Like that.

Like what?

Like I'm some...

Tortured soul that Needs to be saved.

In fact, I know A guy in saa* right now

Who would love To have you back.

I don't want him.

I want you.

You don't want me.

You want the drama. You want the challenge.

Maybe I'm changing.

You know what?

People don't change.

You know what Never changes?

Is the fact that There are people who are loved

And they can't Accept it,

And all they do is Go out and fuck other people over,

Fuck over the people That love them.

What happened to you?

Who hurt you?

I'm not doing this. I'm not.

Shit! The wedding.

She's gonna come, Right?

I hope so.

That's a great dress.

Is nobody gonna Get her?

She doesn't have Anybody.

Thank you. Ha!

Friends, while we all know What this ceremony represents,

It's still a very Special occasion.

Today we celebrate The union

Between tyler mcauliffe And penni pearson.

Without penni, the love Of my life would be gone.

Thank you, penni.

If anyone can show Just cause

Why these two may not Be joined together in matrimony,

Let them speak now Or forever hold their peace.

Not you.

I object!

Ha ha ha! Bitch.

Ha ha!

I never got my invite.

Lizzie!

Bitch!

Why didn't you tell me You were coming?

Because I wanted To surprise

Your teeny, Tiny ass.

Get over here.

I missed you.

I missed you.

Lizzie.

Ok, if there Are no actual objections,

Let's get to The good part.

Tyler...

Do you take penni

To be your lawfully Wedded wife?

I do. Ha ha ha!

Penni, do you Take tyler

To be your lawfully Wedded husband?

Fuck, yeah.

You may place the ring.

Ok. I now pronounce you Man and what-have-you.

You may kiss the bride.

No.

Mmm.

Oh!

Congratulations! Thank you, everybody.

Have a great time tonight. The bar is open.

Please drink up.

♪ lay down ♪

♪ beside me ♪

♪ though you know This one's the last ♪

I'll be right back. Ok.

♪ let go ♪

♪ of our heartbeats ♪

♪ let them be... ♪

Hi.

Hello.

I thought You changed your mind.

No. Just thought I'd try to clean up a bit.

You do it well.

Thank you.

Are you ready To meet everyone?

Yeah, I think so.

Let's go.

♪ who I thought... ♪

Hey, guys, This is ryan.

Ryan, this is Megan and jenna.

I've heard a lot About you guys.

Thank you both so much For always being there for sam

When I--when I couldn't.

You're such A sweetie.

You guys, stay Right there.

I want to take A picture.

Oh.

Adorbs.

I'm gonna go grab us Something to drink.

Do you guys want Anything?

No.

I'm ok.

Ok. I'll be right back.

Ok.

I thought you said He was weird.

He doesn't seem Weird at all.

I know. He's being Totally normal.

It's weirding me out.

Hey.

Hey.

So I just wanted To say

That I had no idea That you and charlie were...

It's fine. Nothing happened, Right?

Right. Right. No, nothing happened.

Hi there, big boy.

♪ take me ♪

♪ take me to... ♪

♪ take me, take me, ♪ take me ♪

♪ take me to... ♪

♪ take me, take me, Take me, take me ♪

I'm sorry.

What?

I can't do this.

♪ take me ♪

And you and...

Rachel.

You guys make A cute couple.

Thank you.

Looks like we Both moved on.

Yes, yes. Looks like We both have.

Unless you want To meet me in the bathroom

And make up For last time.

I'm just fucking With you.

Oh.

There you are. Hey, jason.

Mmm. I was worried You'd run off with somebody else.

Ha ha ha! I'm watching You, pal.

So, what you've Really come here to say

Is that you're Sick and tired of paris

And ready to come Back

And hang out With me in chicago, right?

Yes. I'm sick And tired of paris,

And I'm so ready to come back to chicago And hang out with you!

Yes!

I know, but no, You know what?

I have to admit I love paris,

And I kind of Love him.

What ever happened To rule number 612?

"Fuck happy endings."

Yeah. I've never heard you Use the "L" word before.

Yeah, I don't know. There's still some puke in my mouth.

Fucking adorable. Not weird at all.

I don't know what's wrong With him tonight.

He's usually Not this normal.

Sam, as long as he wasn't dropped on The head as a child,

I think you're fine.

I just haven't ever seen him Care so much

What other people Think.

Sam, I don't think it's other people That he cares about.

Look.

Does that-- Does that look ok?

I know. I know.

It makes no sense.

Hey!

Oh. Uh, beth, This is megan.

She...

I'm--I'm sam's Neighbor.

Yes.

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

Very nice To meet you.

Unbelievable. He slept with both of them.

Both of them. Oh.

She's the one.

Uh...

...Trashed All of us.

Hey there. Good. I see you two have met.

Yeah. Ryan was Just telling me about his brother

In sao paolo.

Drinks. I forgot The drinks.

He seems great.

Yeah.

He is.

So...

So...

Looks like You pulled it off.

The wedding Was perfect.

Well, I couldn't Have done it

Without you And...

Rachel.

Hey. That's what Friends are for.

Thanks, jason.

I gave him...

I knew it was you.

I was like, "Oh! Oh!"

Whoo! Man, what A night, huh?

Yeah.

You know, beth Is so hot.

I know.

Nope. Not gonna Go there.

I will say, it looks Like the student

Has become The teacher.

Well done.

Thanks, man.

No problem.

For everything.

What can I say?

It seems like things Are really working out, huh?

Yeah, until the next Big mistake.

Speaking of which...

I'll give you two A moment, hmm?

Thanks, don juan.

You still look Nice.

Thanks.

So are you gonna Try and find a skank

To take home tonight?

Maybe.

My place in an hour.

I blew it, Didn't I?

Yeah, you did.

So, 50% of marriages End in divorce.

You think tyler And penni will last?

I give it exactly 3 years.

And what about us?

Longer.

Can I get that In writing?

No...

But you can get it In lipstick.

What's going on With you tonight?

You're acting So weird.

I thought I was Acting normal.

That's what's So weird.

Since when do you Act normal?

I thought that's What you wanted.

Is that not what You wanted?

Since when do you Care what other people want?

Well, I don't Want to let you down.

You don't want to Let me down?

No.

Then why don't you Dance with me?

I am dancing With you.

No, you're not.

Yes.

Come on. Dance with me.

Oh, you want me to Bust my moves out?

Yeah, I want you to Bust out your moves.

I don't think the people in here Can handle my moves.

I can handle Your moves.

They're coming. They're coming.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Finally! Come on, come on, come on.

Everybody, come on. Get in here.

Get in your Positions.

Ok.

Oh, shit.

Yeah!

♪ supernova Shines so bright ♪

♪ you look so cool In those city lights... ♪

It looks like Someone still believes

In happy Endings.

Forget happy endings.

I am much more interested In happy beginnings.

I will drink To that.

Me, too.

Come on. I'm buying.

It's open bar.

Make it a double.

♪ you should be mine ♪

♪ uh-oh, you really Got me now ♪

♪ in way too deep ♪

♪ I'm all about you ♪

♪ it's all about you ♪

♪ up, down, or somewhere In between ♪

♪ you know exactly ♪

♪ what I mean ♪

♪ so take a leap of faith ♪

♪ with me tonight ♪

♪ never met A boy like you before ♪

♪ every day I need ♪

♪ a little more of you... ♪