Original subtitles

I've always wanted to build a car. And now you get to.

Yep.

Walk the great wall Of china,

Fly a kite Over the seine,

Sleep with Scarlett johansson.

What are you doing?

Just my list Of things I want To do in my life.

Right.

What's yours?

Find a cure For the hangover,

Find a cure For unrequited love,

Have jason's babies.

No.

No on that last one.

What if I was In love with him

And I didn't Even realize it?

Look. If you want Something that bad, Fight for it.

Look. If not, Be sorry that You didn't.

What if he's With someone else?

What if I'll never Be with someone else

Because I gave up My one chance to be With someone

Who really loves me And now it's my time To be punished?

I'm pretty sure There are other People

Who can love you.

What if I'm just Destined to always Be too stupid

A good thing when it's Right in front of me?

I'm always gone For dicks over pussies.

Always. That's, like, My signature.

What if this whole thing Is just to learn

That I shouldn't Listen to myself

Because myself has Bad ideas?

Ok. I see where You're going With this,

And as your friend, I can tell you, I am not on board.

I need your help.

♪ listen close ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how playing is an art ♪

♪ you'll never ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have any man You choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow The rules ♪

Oh, shit! Get down, get down.

All right.

Picture of me? Picture of me?

There's no picture Of me.

Hey. At approximately What time do you think

He's gonna be saying Something incriminating?

I don't know. Sometime between 9:00 and 9:00.

Ok. Well, this battery Only lasts for 15 minutes,

So you're gonna have to be A little bit more specific.

Oh, my gosh!

He has dinner Reservations at alinea Tonight at 8:00.

Why would he do that?

I don't know. It's a nice restaurant.

He's probably Going on a date.

Ryan!

Ow! What?

Do you realize What you just said?

Yeah. It's a nice Restaurant.

He's probably going On a date.

Oh. Oh.

We have to go Undercover.

Clear out.

Ok. Go.

Breathe, husband, Breathe, focus

On my tits.

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah.

1 out, 3-2 count, You got runners At the corners.

You're looking fastball Straight down the middle Of the plate.

You don't know me At all, do you?

Don't worry.

Ok. Girl walks Into the bar,

Ex-boyfriend Just moved on.

What goes In the drink?

Tequila, cinnamon schnapps, Champagne topper.

That's it. That's the confidence We're looking for.

Everyone's Getting married.

Not everyone, Just tyler and penni.

Still.

And that's fake. No one's getting Married really.

Still.

No one's getting Married period

Unless I pass This immigration Interview.

Oh, relax. It's just An immigration interview.

Do you know what you need?

You need something To take your mind Off things.

We need someone To plan a wedding!

Does anybody know A good wedding planner?

Oh, my god! Me! Me, me, me, me!

Can I plan it, Can I plan it?

Megan, I would love Nothing more than for you

To plan my Boyfriend's wedding.

Yes!

I know we broke up, But I'm gonna catch

That non-lying, Non-cheating,

Totally doing what He should be doing,

Kind-hearted, decent Motherfucker red-handed.

Roger that.

What are you Gonna order?

To eat? Yeah.

You think I'm eating?

Well, It's dinnertime.

I'm hungry.

Wow!

Yeah. She is hot.

Hottish, you know, If you're into That kind of look,

And I am--I am not Into that look.

I knew it!

Me, too.

How could you know it? You've never even seen Her before.

That is lizzie's Replacement at work.

That means jason is Basically dating lizzie.

That is not ok.

Not ok at all.

We need a better position. I can't see them at all.

I can't see them Either.

If I go over there, They'll recognize me.

I'll do it.

You? Me.

So I slide The contract Across the table.

She takes One look at it,

Uncrosses her legs, And says,

"You didn't strike Me as the type of Guy who would use"--

Lovett versus dwight!

Lovett versus dwight. Exactly.

That was a good one.

Shit! I think They're laughing.

Broadsword to base. Do you copy?

Copy.

Enemy is in sight.

Enemy is advancing On a bread stick.

Her mouth is around it.

Just taking it in.

An amazing mouth.

Gorgeous, full lips.

Wow! She is In great shape.

I mean, she must work Out, like, every day.

I know what She fucking looks like.

What about jason?

Uh, brown hair, Average height.

What's he doing?

Oh, sorry.

Right now, he is Looking into her eyes,

Seducing her With sincerity.

I know that look. Fuck!

Yo, yo. You spill That soup on that couple,

This could be yours.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Do you mind bringing An order of parmesan mussels

Over to that table In the corner?

Just walked Away from me.

She is not Getting tipped.

Oh, yeah? Name one good thing

That comes From a relationship.

I can name several. Hmm.

Love, companionship, Stability.

Stability? Yeah.

Over 50% of marriages End in divorce.

Where's the stability In that?

Sam, I'm seeing Some friendly fire,

Some really Friendly fire.

This thing is gonna Blow up.

Get back here. We need to debrief.

Watch it! Excuse me.

Ok.

So...

What are our options?

Well, option "A" Would be sabotage.

I just tried that, But that waitress Could not be bought.

She was too pure.

Option "B," I throw myself Onto the grenade.

You would do that?

Yeah. It would hurt A little bit, But I'd do it.

Option "C" is just A flat-out retreat.

None of the above. Direct attack.

I just need to Go up to him And stop him.

I don't think That's a good idea.

If he knew I were here, He wouldn't go home With her.

Right?

Do you really want To find out whether Or not that's true?

You know what? What?

I think you Were right.

About what?

We should stop Before this becomes A relationship.

Kidding.

Oh, fuck.

Look at you.

Why do I feel like This is gonna be A hostile takeover?

Oh, god.

Be careful.

I'm gonna have to Hold you in contempt.

I hope that you do.

♪ so say good-bye to the night ♪

♪ say good-bye To the night ♪

♪ new day for you Burning so bright ♪

♪ so cross your fingers ♪

♪ and hope to die ♪

♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪ say good-bye To the night ♪

♪ say good-bye To the night ♪

♪ say good-bye To the night ♪

♪ it's new day for you Burning bright ♪

♪ say good-bye To the night ♪

You're welcome.

So...

Think they probably Went home together, huh?

Yeah. Probably.

She looks so smart.

Well...

Do you want to work On our boat?

I can't.

Yeah. We should probably Do something more low-key

Like go back To your place and...

Watch tv or work On our worm farm.

I can't.

What do you mean You can't?

I've got plans.

What do you mean You've got plans?

Well, I've got A date.

A date?

A night date.

A night date.

Night kayaking.

Sounds fun.

Yeah. Yeah. It should be.

♪ why have they Got to be so loud? ♪

♪ nothing to shout about ♪

♪ can't you hear The church bells? ♪

Do you want me to give You a piggy-back ride Out of here?

No, thanks.

Ok.

I'll, uh, I'll See you around.

♪ all right ♪

♪ wish I could Sleep tonight ♪

♪ it will be all right ♪

Tonight was fun...

And...

I got your nose.

I'll take Good care of it.

♪ can't you hear The last train ♪

♪ rattling the tracks again ♪

♪ going out of town ♪

♪ carrying the people out? ♪

♪ can't you hear That last train ♪

♪ deep inside my brain? ♪

♪ want to be on board... ♪

I thought you Had a date.

I did! I do.

God, you piss me Off sometimes.

I do?

You are so paralyzed With indecision

Until somebody makes A decision of their own,

And then you Finally woman up, Only when it's too late,

And then you are stuck With neither your choice

Nor your non-choice.

I...Don't--

I'm not gonna sit around And wait for you

To choose anymore.

So you're saying You've been waiting Here to tell me

You're not gonna Wait for me?

No. Yes. Maybe. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This is stupid. This is so fucking stupid.

No, it wasn't.

Choose him. Choose me.

Choose a pre-op Transgendered stripper For all I care, all right?

Just choose, ok?

Good morning.

Heh heh.

Good morning to you.

Mmm. I missed this.

What do you mean?

Well...

You know, it's been A while since...

Since sam?

Since spooning

And since sam.

Now's the part Where you tell me How much better

I was than her.

Oh. Someone's A little insecure.

A crack appears In the marble facade.

I'm not insecure.

I know.

Is that what you Think of me?

No.

Just never seemed Like you needed Reassurance.

Where are you going?

Right. You made it clear. You don't do relationships.

Stupid me thinking This was different.

Stupid you.

See you At the office.

Let's try this One more time.

What is tyler's Middle name?

Penni!

Mary!

Ok. This is not A joke, ok?

If they find out We're lying,

And I'm gonna get deported, And you're going to jail.

But I wasn't joking.

Heh. We're fucked.

That's her.

Good luck.

Ok.

I'll be right outside.

Ok.

Ahem!

Mmm-hmm!

Hi. Nancy, I.N.S.

They're waiting for you Right this way.

First question is For your bride to be.

What is his middle name?

Heh. Sit.

Ok.

Pardon?

What is his Middle name?

That's actually A really funny Story, you see?

Because when His parents First realized

That they had Conceived a child,

They were under The impression

That they were Having a female,

So they were set On the name,

And then when They realized It was a boy,

They thought It would be Really funny

If they kept The same middle name As a joke,

Which was mary.

However, they took Pity on their Poor little boy

When they saw His beautiful eyes

And decided he's Already gonna be Ostracized enough

In the community For being canadian,

So they changed Mary to mark,

And they elected The germanic Spelling of the name

With a "K," Not a "C."

That's right. Heh.

Ok. Where and how Did you meet?

At the bootleg bar.

What's his Favorite color?

What day Of the week?

Wednesday. Green.

Friday. Blue.

Monday. Rainbow.

Which way does he dress, Left or right.

He hangs Slightly left.

Who was his favorite Teacher at school?

Miss meacham. She had killer Knockers.

What is desmond tutu's Granddaughter's Cousin's name?

Beth.

When playing def leppard's Album "Pyromania" backwards,

What is the hidden verse To "O canada"?

"How far would A woodchuck chuck If a woodchuck

Could chuck wood?" And for the record, It's 72.9 meters.

What was madonna's Best music phase?

That's good.

Pinky weenie.

Swallow. He spits.

Genghis khan.

Nobody's ever Got that right.

Well, I don't know What to say.

I've never seen a couple So clearly dedicated To one another.

I think that we are Done here.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

I have One last question.

Ahem. This is, uh, More off the record.

Could you tell me When I'm gonna meet My second husband?

Skip these.

Carnations.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry to keep you Waiting.

Let me guess. You want some flowers.

I do. Ha ha ha!

Get it?

Well, you've come To the right place.

Is this your wedding?

No. It's my boyfriend's Wedding, not mine.

I'm planning it. I love weddings.

I love them more Than anything!

Let me go grab something From the back.

Oh, my gosh. He's so handsome.

Why are all The best men Gay or married?

He's not gay.

There's no way That guy's not gay.

Gay men know these things. He's straight as a cucumber.

My gaydar's telling Me he's gay.

Even if he is, There's always A back door.

Hmm.

But I'm telling you He's straight.

5 bucks?

Deal.

I wanted to show you Something really important.

You know that old saying, "Something old, Something new,

Something borrowed"... "Something blue,

And a silver Sixpence In her shoe"?

No one knows the end Of that poem.

Except me.

And me.

Uh-oh. My drywall Guy called.

He ran out of caulk.

I got to go. Looks like you're

On your own to taste The wedding cakes unless...

I could do it.

Really? You would Do that?

Well, you can't taste Wedding cakes alone.

A girl needs Her backup.

Hey. Look at that!

I'll catch up With you two later.

Ooh! Ha ha!

I tried to book An appointment At vinnie's,

But they're booked For months In advance.

Well, today, You're with me. Hold on.

Hey, vinnie. Yeah. I'm gonna need you

To bring some Samples down.

It's a special Occasion.

♪ oh, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ I'm coming back, We belong together ♪

♪ oh, baby, baby, baby ♪

Hey, now! Cute butt.

♪ you are the one, The only one for me ♪

I completely agree.

Having a band Makes the wedding.

Live music is A tradition that's Been around

Since The tribal days,

And no ceremony's Complete without it.

That's what I'm Always saying, Always.

I have 9 bridesmaids.

I have 7 groomsmen, But I think It would work

Because they're Both odd numbers.

Spring or summer?

Summer! Summer.

2 or 5 kids?

5. 5.

Yes! Muffins!

You are so pathetic.

Why don't you just Go burn your balls With a tea bag?

Ok. That's Very specific.

Leave me alone.

Chill. I'm not The enemy.

You lie, cheat, steal,

Have no problem sleeping With your friend's fiancée,

And could care less About the hell she's Going through now.

News flash--enemy.

She wasn't Engaged then,

And he's not Just cheating.

He's in another Relationship.

Bullshit. That's what he does,

And you know it.

She has to know.

So tell her.

No fucking way. That's how I lost My last friend.

You tell her.

Ok.

♪ just give me a chance ♪

♪ just give me A chance ♪

♪ I won't let you down ♪

♪ I won't Let you down ♪

♪ just know that I want you ♪

♪ just know that I want you ♪

♪ want you around ♪

♪ want you around ♪

♪ 'cause I'm in the dark ♪

♪ 'cause I'm In the dark ♪

If you want to pretend I'm a man,

You can go In the back door.

The back door?

You mean, As in anal sex?

Well, yes, I think.

Why would I want that?

Well, that's what You like, isn't it?

After spending An entire day With me,

You don't know what Or who I like?

Well, I mean...

You're not gay? No, I'm not gay.

Were just about To have sex.

So you're straight?

I just spent A 9-hour date With you.

Why would I do that With someone I wasn't Interested in?

That was a date?

That was the best date Of my life,

And I didn't even Know it was a date.

It was the best date Of my life, too.

♪ when I ask you To dance ♪

♪ please give me a chance ♪

♪ just give me A chance ♪

♪ just give me A chance ♪

♪ just open your heart ♪

♪ just open Your heart ♪

♪ I'll be just What you wanted ♪

♪ just what You wanted ♪

♪ I'll play any part ♪

♪ play any part ♪

♪ you're all that I want ♪

♪ you're all that I want ♪

♪ you're all that I need ♪

♪ you're all that I need ♪

♪ I'm begging you, darling ♪

♪ begging you, Darling ♪

♪ take a chance on me ♪

♪ you've got me entranced ♪

♪ please give me a chance ♪

♪ please give me A chance ♪

That was the best night Of my life.

May it never end.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ohh. I'm sorry.

Anyways, he's such A dirt bag.

Just couldn't stand To see my happy.

Wait. I'm confused.

Was he telling The truth,

Or was he lying?

The truth.

So the engagement's Off?

Of--of course.

And it's completely Over with ben?

Yes!

But you're mad At dean.

Yeah!

Listen. Dean is a douche, And I would love

To see him eaten By wolves,

But...He was looking Out for you on this one.

Fuck!

Yeah. The earth is Off its axis.

Dean is owed an apology. My worst fucking nightmare.

Ha ha ha!

What is going on With you?

I had the best sex Of my life last night.

What? What?

Yep! And there's A future with this one.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, my gosh. He's here.

Good luck.

Thanks.

You, too.

Ha ha ha!

♪ dun dun dun dun dun ♪

♪ dun dun Dun dun dun ♪

Megan!

Ow!

So how about tyler And pill pusher penni?

Who would have Thought, right?

No. I can't wait To go to that wedding.

I saw you on your date.

Really? You were Stalking me?

Rule number whatever?

I've always Stalked you.

It's one of the things You love about me.

I know, sam. I saw you.

We were so right Together.

Do you really want To be with her?

I don't know. Maybe.

I'm trying to Figure it out.

You really want To be with me?

Listen. I came here To do the thing That I always do,

Which is try And win you back,

But I was wrong.

You looked so happy With her.

You should Be with her.

What about you And, uh...

The guy in the plant?

Oh. Ryan?

He's not My boyfriend.

We just hang out.

Oh.

Why is it always So hard to figure Out what you want?

I don't know.

There's that thing,

You know, where you Close your eyes.

Did amy teach You this?

Yes. How did you know?

She taught me, too.

Did she make you Touch her breasts When you did it?

No. You?

Yeah.

Sorry I missed that.

You want to Give it a try?

Yeah.

So...

Maybe skip That part.

Yeah.

So...Close your eyes.

Listen To your breath.

Clear your mind.

Sam?

Lizzie.

It's the middle Of the night.

On your side Of the world, yes.

On my side, no.

Why are you Calling me?

I think I figured Something out.

Oh, good.

I like ryan.

Ok. Welcome back To the fifth grade.

No. I mean, the guy That I hate

I actually like.

Sixth grade maybe.

He has no ability To interact with the world.

He's really weird, And I hate the way That he does

Whatever he wants.

He doesn't care What anyone thinks,

But I feel myself With him.

Sam, it sounds like He's himself

And not ashamed Of it,

And perhaps that's New for you.

Come sleep with me In dreamland, My fiery dove.

Ha ha ha!

I, um, would love To be part

Of your big Epiphany, sam...

But I got to go.

Well, what should I do?

Do whatever You want.

Nothing's Irreversible.

There's always A back door.

♪ gravity fails ♪

♪ weaker than it ever used to ♪

Can I buy you A drink, sailor?

You know those Couples who you see

Walking down the street With that look on their face?

They're not thinking About what's coming next.

Someone's been Naughty today.

Those people Are stupid.

Are they The stupid ones,

Or are we The stupid ones?

Did you just break Into my apartment?

I can't break in If you leave The door unlocked.

I was such a bitch.

Maybe you should say That to someone else.

Women.

Bonjour, fiancé.

You could always Switch teams.

No.