Original subtitles

I can't believe Jenna's even Thinking

About getting back Together with him.

That one Or that one?

That one. That one.

You haven't ever Been tempted to get Back with jason?

Well... I don't know.

That one or that one?

That one. That one.

But he hasn't Cheated on me Over and over again.

That one or that one?

That one. That one.

Megan, why are We doing this?

I mean, do you have A new guy you're

Stalking Or something?

No, but I read somewhere That it's a good idea

To keep current pictures Of yourself,

So I snapped these Boob and but selfies Just in case.

Your boobs are Very photogenic,

But I can't Concentrate on Nipple lighting

And cleavage Cropping right now.

Jenna was on this Path to becoming

A more Independent woman.

Now she's just Slipping away.

Yeah.

How big was the ring?

On a scale Of "I'm sorry"

To "I royally Fucked up,"

Definitely closer To the latter.

I wonder what The makeup sex Was like.

Oh, she didn't Have any,

Or at least that's What they said.

They're "Taking It slow."

You know, I totally Get it.

Makeup sex is The fucking worst.

Carrie wants it to be, Like, this tender apology,

And I want to be, Like, this passionate,

"Holy fuck, my toes Are numb" sort of thing.

I thought all sex Is good sex.

Megan, sex is not Like pizza.

I have definitely Had bad sex.

Yep. Me, too.

I know, right? Me, too.

But breakup sex, That shit is Always awesome.

In fact, breakup sex With jason was

The best sex Of our relationship.

Am I right?

I never had Breakup sex With jason.

Actually, I've never Had breakup sex With anyone.

Well...Maybe you should.

No matter what, You'll have amazing sex,

And maybe you'll get The closure you're Looking for.

Kari kimmel: ♪ that you're A joke, oh, oh, oh, ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh ♪

Kristin diable: ♪ listen close ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how playing is an art ♪

♪ you'll never ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have any man You choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow The rules ♪

Do you have a good Relationship with your exes?

Uh, some yes, Others not so much.

Why some not so much?

Well, shane Was married,

Emma is in rehab,

And, um, dina Tried to stab me.

Whoa!

So no breakup sex With her, huh?

She tried to stab me During breakup sex.

Wow! Sounds painful.

Are you kidding?

It was Fucking amazing.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Oh, no. I love Breakup sex.

I go all out On that shit.

I'm talking, like, Acrobatics, Pyrotechnics,

You know, Endangered animals.

Why?

Because breakup sex Is the measuring stick

By which your ex is Going to gauge all Future hookups.

I want her to be like, "Oh, I used to hate The way he

"Picked his nose With a fork,

But, damn, that guy Could fuck!" you know?

See? Those two Know what I'm Talking about.

Do you think you get More closure from it?

I don't believe In closure.

Jason and I never Had breakup sex.

Yeah. I mean, If that's something

You feel like You should explore, You know?

[banging on table]

You don't think it's Something I would Regret, do you?

I don't believe In regrets either...

But better to regret Something you did

Over something You didn't.

[pottery breaks]

You ready For the meade Negotiations tomorrow?

When am I not ready?

The question is Are you ready?

Oh, I was born ready.

They may be sharks,

But I'm A killer whale.

Ok, shamu.

Watch me swim

Through the ring And splash them Into submission.

Ok. This killer whale Metaphor is getting

Less and less Intimidating By the second.

Hey. So I was Thinking when I win The negotiations tomorrow,

What about we go out To dinner to celebrate?

We'll see.

By the way, I spoke To your ex.

You did?

I think She's in need Of a little closure.

Sam: ok. What kind Of face cream Does penni use?

Hmm. She uses Face cream?

Looks like she just Licked her palms

And spread them On her face.

Ehnnn! Wrong! It's vodka.

[glass breaks]

Tyler: hey. Hey!

When I said Free drinks For life,

That does not Include using

My top shelf liquor For your personal Hygiene.

I can't-- I can't do this.

Give this to me. Gi--

Ugh! I cannot Do this.

I cannot fake Being in a straight Relationship

With that.

Amy: oh, relax. Being in a fake Straight relationship

Is easy.

I did it for years With my ex-boyfriends.

Sam: look! You have to find a way

To truly get To know each other,

Or you are gonna Lose everything.

You guys are gonna need To move in together.

Oh, my god.

You have A bathtub, right?

No. A shower.

Well, then where am I Gonna sleep?

Hey, guys. How's it going?

You ready for your Big interview next week?

Sam: it's not Going well.

Really, really, It's not going well.

What happens if They don't pass

The immigration Interview?

They'll pass it.

They have to pass it.

Failure is not An option.

They're a mess.

I mean, penni's out of Her antipsychotic drugs,

Which I don't know if She's taking for fun Or for real.

They'll probably Kill each other Before the interview,

In which event it won't Be an immigration case.

It will be A murder case.

All right. All right.

They have to move in With each other.

That is just what I was saying.

You can learn a lot About a person

Just from spending One night together.

I know. Right.

Wait. Why?

Did you recently spend The night with someone,

Like that girl From your work Rachel whatever?

Are we talking About this kind Of stuff now?

I don't want things To get weird.

No. We can be Friends.

Why would that Be weird?

Guys, sorry to interrupt, But I just talked with beth,

And I think we're gonna Give things another shot.

Oh, my gosh. Charlie, that's amazing!

I know, right? Yeah.

She's not here, Is she?

Yeah. Babe, come on over And meet these guys.

Beth, this is My sister sam.

Hi. Hi.

So nice to meet you.

So nice to finally Meet you.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, and this is jason.

[spits]

Hi.

So...You're...Beth.

Let's go.

Sweet. I'll call you.

Yeah. Call me In, like, a minute.

Were you just Checking out her ass?

Uh...

Yes.

Ohh!

No, sam, it--

Boo!

You're pretty.

Mmm, mmm, beth.

Before we go Any further,

There's something I need to tell you.

Ok.

Ok. When we were Apart,

I had a consensual Sexual encounter With another girl,

And I felt terrible About it.

It's just that We were broken up,

And I was feeling So sad and confused,

And she was Really cute.

That's neither Here nor there.

The point is that I immediately Regretted it.

I don't want To be with some Other girl.

I want to be With you.

I hope you're Not mad.

It's ok.

It is?

Yeah. I mean...

It happens, right?

Ok. Just to be clear, When you say it happens,

Do you mean that happened,

Or do you mean that, Like, other things happened,

Like things With you or--

What happened Happened.

What matters...

Is that we're here Together.

Leah nobel: ♪ I don't know what it is ♪

♪ about people these days... ♪

You can have...

A consensual...

Sexual...

Encounter with me.

♪ didn't your mama Teach you how to behave? ♪

♪ I guess not ♪

♪ no, I guess not ♪

♪ I guess not ♪

♪ no, I guess not ♪

Oh. So something Definitely happened then?

You know what? I don't even care.

You don't know her,

I don't know him,

And we can focus On us.

♪ pretend someone Is calling me ♪

♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

I don't know him, Right?

Charlie, you're Blowing it.

Right.

♪ why is it so hard To find someone who is kind ♪

♪ someone who respects An imaginary line? ♪

♪ I don't know what it is ♪

♪ about people these days ♪

♪ so inconsiderate, Always up in my face ♪

♪ didn't your mama Teach you how to behave? ♪

♪ didn't your mama Teach you how to behave? ♪

♪ I guess not, no... ♪

Was it that idiot Micah from your Writing group?

No.

Was it that Weird guy dave,

Who flirts with you At the juice bar?

No.

Was it one Of my friends?

Ok. I'm just gonna Start

Naming my friends,

And you have to tell Me if I'm right.

Ok. Dylan, isaac, Jackson, jeremy,

Jesse--mmm. Duffy, elliot...

♪ so inconsiderate, Always up in my face ♪

♪ didn't your mama Teach you how to behave? ♪

♪ didn't your mama Teach you how to behave? ♪

[cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey. Jason.

Sam.

I was just thinking Let's go to dinner Tomorrow night.

Ok. Ok. Great.

I just want to Catch up.

There's no reason we Can't be friends, right?

That sounds great.

So did you have A place in mind, or--

Why don't you just Pick a place

And, uh, text me The address?

Ok, but are you hungry For italian or vietnamese?

Sam, I'm sorry. I'm really late For a meeting.

Look. I'll see you Tomorrow night.

Ok. Um, bye.

What the fuck?

Are you trying to Get back with your ex?

No. We're just Going to dinner.

I think we need Some closure.

You're trying to Get back with him.

You can't tell me You never talk To any of your exes.

Exes. I need to Have girlfriends To have exes.

What about Mackenzie?

How do you know About her?

Do you have any idea How often you leave

Your e-mail open On my computer?

Do you know how often You wear stupid stuff? Shut up!

Man: what we're Offering your client Is more than fair.

We've already outlined The terms of the merger.

You said yes, Now you're reneging.

If you want to play this The hard way,

We've already got A team in place, Ready to turn this

Into a hostile takeover.

It's up to you.

Oh, my god. Did you see Their faces

When I said, "Hostile takeover"?

For a second there, I thought you blew The whole negotiations.

Whatever possessed You to--

I don't know. I just had This feeling.

Well, that feeling Closed us A huge deal.

You what this Means then?

Fat bonuses, keys To the executive Bathroom,

Riding around in The company's g6.

Even better.

I'm taking you Out to dinner.

We'll see.

That's what you Keep saying.

[whispering]

What's in here, A dead body?

Wouldn't be Too surprised.

[sneezes]

Will you quit with That voodoo crap?

You know I'm Allergic to sage.

I have a pill for that.

All right. I got to go back to work.

Have fun With your fiancée.

Uh, maybe I should Go to the bar.

No. You have to Stay here

Because you have To stay here.

Ohh.

God, I'm exhausted Just looking at all This shit

We have to do.

I have a pill For that, too.

[both humming]

Ok. Ready? Yeah.

Della swiss: ♪ every minute of every day ♪

♪ of every month For 3 years ♪

♪ thinking you were Coming back... ♪

What's this?

Home enema. What's this?

Stun gun.

Aah!

Thirsty?

♪ I'm gonna scream Into the sky ♪

Whoo-hoo! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

♪ and that's to burn, Burn them all ♪

♪ here I go ♪

♪ watch me do it ♪

Aah!

♪ here I go ♪

♪ watch me do it ♪

Hang on.

Ok.

♪ watch me do it ♪

♪ here I go ♪

♪ watch me do it ♪

♪ here I go ♪

♪ watch me do it ♪

Oh, ho ho ho!

Meehhhn!

Ohh. Mmm.

Ha ha!

Ok. What's my Grandfather's name?

Atticus.

Wrong!

It's finch.

Ohh!

Don't you dare, Don't you dare throw That at my head.

You are insane. I can't live like this.

Well, you begged me To move in with you.

I was perfectly Fine living Under the bridge!

Tyler: oh, yeah! You want to be homeless?

Go right ahead. The door's open.

Hi. Hey.

Ha ha! Sorry About all the noise.

Yeah. No problem. Breakups are noisy.

Break--breakup? No, no.

Just one of our Normal, everyday fights.

Are you kidding? It's just foreplay.

I like it angry.

Lex land: ♪ I know I may seem tough ♪

♪ and that I can play rough... ♪

Come on, you guys. Don't fight.

If you like, I can do a little dance

To "Twinkle, twinkle, Little star."

It always used to make My parents feel better After a fight.

We're not fighting.

We're just not Talking right now.

You know what we should Do tomorrow?

We should take one Of jenna's hot yoga classes.

I just bought the cutest New lululemon yoga pants.

You totally should.

There's this guy That takes The yoga class,

And he does The sexiest Lizard pose.

I can't. I'm working On a project with ryan,

And then I'm going To dinner with jason.

Whoa! Double dipping.

It's not like that. Ryan and I are just...

Well, I don't really Know what we are,

But jason and I are Definitely just friends.

Friends that Need closure.

Am I right?

Oh. So you Can be friends With your exes,

And I can't?

Seems a little Hypocritical, Don't you think?

Not really!

Jason didn't Screw around on me.

So that gives you The right to Screw with him?

You're delusional.

Amy: honey, I'm home.

[splash, scream]

Did you leave The toilet seat Up again?

Uh, yeah.

Ok. First of all, That is bizarre.

Second of all,

One of the benefits Of being a lesbian

Is that I don't Have to deal With this shit!

Fuck! It's just water.

Don't get hysterical.

Oh. Hysterical?

Now you're not just Pissing like a man,

You're using Gender-biased labels, too?

I really take offense To that casual use

Of that word In our culture, That and crazy.

[knock on door]

Hey.

Um, I know it's late, But I was just wondering

If I could crash here For tonight.

Of course.

She can stay On the couch With me.

Uh, no. That's ok.

I've slept with enough Straight guys I my life

I can sleep On the floor.

Don't be silly.

You can just sleep In my bed.

But I-- Charlie.

Don't even try.

Just, uh--

I never get To have nice things.

You still feeding The squirrels?

Probably still hungry.

Well, next time, You can probably Feed them something

They don't eat a lot

Like a club Sandwich.

Probably fucking Sick of chestnuts.

Do you think I'm A hypocrite

For seeing jason tonight While telling my friend

Not to see her ex?

Oh, that's perfect!

No. I don't think You're a hypocrite,

And if something Inside of you Is telling you

You need to go See your ex,

You should probably Go see him.

You don't mind?

Why would I mind?

I have to leave, Like, right now

In order to make it To dinner.

Well, then you Better get going.

I'll just, uh...

I'll just add this To our found art pile.

[crunch]

Ok. That's gross.

This is good. It's got Red bell peppers on it.

[sighs]

Jason: ha! Somehow, I can't imagine you

With a hammer In your hand

And a tool belt On your hip,

But I think It's cool.

You're trying Something different.

It's been really Transformative.

It's like the whole world And all your problems Just melt away,

And it's you And your hammer And the wood

Or the clay and your hands,

And nothing else Gets in the way

Except for sometimes Your thumbs.

This is my hammer.

There are many Like it,

But this one Is mine.

Ohh. "Platoon." "Full metal jacket."

But I know What you're saying.

I've been on this String of cases Recently

Where I've just gone Into this zone, Like yesterday.

It's just like You said.

The whole world Melted away.

I went with my gut,

And I took the lead On this big deal,

And we won.

That's amazing.

To living In the moment.

To living In the moment.

This is nice. Thank you for--

You know, we never Had breakup sex.

Uh...No.

No. We--we never did Have breakup sex.

Right?

That's right.

Come here just For, like, one second.

I just want to Tell you something.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I'm just trying to Live in the moment.

[car horn honks]

[belt hits floor]

[sirens]

Heh heh heh.

Ohh!

I miss this.

Me, too.

Why wasn't it ever Like that when we Were dating?

I don't know.

Maybe it's better When there's No expectations.

That was the best Breakup sex I've ever had.

Thank you.

What a great way To end it.

End it?

[sirens]

Yeah. I thought this Was about closure.

What did you think?

Yeah. I--I guess I don't know What I thought.

I just...

I was just trying to Live in the moment,

Do what felt right,

And that felt Really, really Right.

You're not gonna Spend the night?

Spend the night Or get back together?

I don't know. I mean...

Why do we have To define it.

Let's just go With our instincts.

Well, my instincts Are telling me it's Time to move on.

[sighs]

What happened?

Do yourself a favor.

Stay away From ex sex.

Breakup sex, Makeup sex.

When you have sex With an ex,

All you do is Get fucked.

Ahh.

What are you doing?

You just made up A new rule.

I have to write it down Before I forget.

Dinner tomorrow night Alinea 8 p.M.

I don't do Relationships, remember?

Relax.

It's just dinner.

Hey. I feel really weird About how we left things.

Can we meet To talk it out?

At the amphitheater By the bean.

Jenna: hey, sam. Hi.

I'm glad you called.

So should we have Makeup sex now?

Ha ha ha!

Chauncey jacks: ♪ sorry I can't stay ♪

♪ got too much to do For you, baby ♪

♪ but ♪

♪ I wouldn't change a thing ♪

♪ I wouldn't change ♪

♪ a thing, a thing ♪

♪ I wouldn't change ♪

♪ a thing ♪

Ryan: Yeah. She is hot.

Right now, he Is looking Into her eyes,

Seducing her With sincerity.

Gorgeous, full lips.

See? Dinner isn't So threatening.

And then What happens?

Ahh!

We should stop Before this becomes A relationship.

Kidding.

Megan: I had the best Sex of my life last night.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Come sleep with me In dreamland,

My fiery dove.